Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Third Blogaversary!

Yes, three years ago on 30th April was the day that 'Captain Picard's Journal' was first opened. In that time, some weird things have been happening, and some strange characters have appeared.

Let's see what's been going on in the last year...

Karena and Wesley got engaged....although it wasn't exactly mutual!

Not long after that, Worf, Beverly, Geordi went through the Reality Barrier and encountered a Stargate in a three part story

Ro Laren had a tough time when she crossed into a sinister universe that was strict on discipline here.

Worf and Jadzia had a fun time at a holiday camp

Some new people emerged during the last year. One was T'Pol, from the Terran Empire in the Mirror Universe of the 22nd Century.

Her best friend is Ensign Britney. This is how they met:

Beverly and I, Worf and Jadzia, Riker and Deanna all went on honeymoon. None of us were married, but we were trying to find who was abducting newly married couples.

Seven Of Nine helped us when a union firebrand official visited the Enterprise.

T'Pol and Ensign Britney went on vacation together. It could only lead to more trouble..and it did.

One of the major difficulties I had in the last year was when a piece of technology turned me into a criminal. In this five-part story, I had my own gang and a moll named Toots. . Even when I had recovered, it wasn't over, as I had to stand trial for the crimes I had committed.

Though they were already engaged, Wes finally fell in love with the Amazon Karena in this story, leaving lots of problems that still have to be sorted out.

I had a huge problem when I crossed the Unreality Barrier, and had to be an actor named Patrick Stewart playing my part in the 20th Century.

It was coming up to Christmas by now, and time for the traditional Enterprise Christmas Party, when you all send your viewpoints as to how it went. This was the last day:

Alexander was growing up. Worf and Jadzia thought it was time for him to have 'The Talk'

Wesley and Karena possed passed their Starfleet Academy exams here in this three part story, and Karena encountered a rival.

T'Pol and Ensign Britney ran away to the Mirror Universe here, but found things were not so bright as they thought.

The Borg Queen had an icy encounter at a Conference, when she and the Troi Borg Queen clashed. The Alpha Borg Queen, the supreme leader of the race was also there.

Ensign Britney had a tough assignment when she went undercover amongst the counterculture group known as the Dregs of Society in this six-part story.

Wesley and Karena were presented with their Ensign Diplomas here, and assigned to join the USS Rhode Island. Karena wasn't too happy to learn her rival was also coming along!

Seven Of Nine was framed for the murder of a female drone she disliked. The Borg Queen and myself joined forces to find the truth.


Those are just a few of the things that have been going on in the last twelve months. As for the future?

It's anybody's guess!

Thanks for all your comments. They really do help! It's been a pleasure writing in the last three years.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Playing 'Galactic Scrabulous' on Spacebook

After all the mess with T'Pol and her 'Spacebook' friend, who turned out to be a Romulan spy, I want to see what's going on in my Account.

Spacebook has been sweeping the Federation, with everybody having an Account and exchanging messages with each other. They even do it while they are in the same room!

Anyway, Bev is my number one Spacebook friend. The Account gives us chance to exchange a few private messages.

I have to be careful, though. I almost sent the message out to Riker. That WOULD have been embarrassing!

Data, naturally, does not have an Account. He is puzzled by it all. Neither does Worf.

"Klingon warriors do not have Spacebook Accounts!" he snorts out, "They do not send messages to each other, but only say "It is a good day to die." or chant old battle songs."

Still, I enjoy using my Spacebook Account, especially when playing 'Galactic Scrabulous' with Bev, she is a very good player. I sometimes think she has a Federation dictionary on cue.

The latest game continues. It is a version of the old 'Scrabble' board game. Bev is playing on her computer port. We exchange small messages as we enter words. Beverly is the next to play.

She enters VISTAED on to the board. Another seven letter word for a score of 83.

"Whatever does that mean?" I enter on the small message.

"Don't you know, Jean-Luc?" she replies, "It means when a person's computer has been corrupted. They might say "I've been vistaed."It's an old 21st century word."

I groan. My letters are awful. I can only put SUN for a score of 3.

"Why is it you're so good at this, Bev?" I ask.

"I guess some are able to make up good words, Jean-Luc." she replies, "Here comes my next word."

I see that she puts QLARZYTS on the board for a massive 178 on a triple word score.

"I've never heard of 'qlarztyts'" I type quickly, "Are you sure you're not making them up?"

"Certainly not, Jean-Luc!" she types, "If you ask Ro Laren, she'll tell you that it's the Bajoran name for a place to store clothes."

"Since when are we doing this in the Bajoran language, Bev?" I type back.

"Bajoran, Klingon, Cardassian, any language." Bev tells me, "That's why it's 'Galactic Scrabulous', Jean-Luc."

"With that logic, a person could put any combination of letters and win, because they bound to be in SOME language."

"Now you know why I always win!" Bev replies.

"I give up with this game." I tell Beverly, "The one drawback with Spacebook is that friends don't meet face to face when they could be doing just that."

"Especially if they were near to each other...." she replies tentatively.

"I agree." I comment, "Let's reserve the back seat of the Enterprise cinema tonight. We won't need our Spacebook Accounts there!"


Author's note:

30th April will be my 3rd blogaversary. Be sure to see that. It will be published late on Tues 29th.

Saturday, April 26, 2008

TWQ: The Last Two Weeks

This week's TWQ asks about what activities you have been up to recently.

What significant events have happened to you, or have you done in the last two weeks? Write as many as you wish.

My answers are:

1: I tried to book into see 'Hamlet' in the theatre at Stratford-Upon-Avon later this year. It runs from July until November. 'Hamlet' stars David (Dr Who) Tennant and Patrick (Jean-Luc Picard) Stewart. I was promptly told by the box office that EVERY seat of EVERY performance is sold out.

2: I joined 'Twitter' earlier this week, and have added a few blogfriends. If you look on the right side of my Journal, you'll see a section where you can follow me if you wish.

Now it's over to you...

But before you go,

Here's a satirical news story...

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Spacebook (Part Two)

I'm in my Ready Room, having a quiet doze, when suddenly I am woken by the sound of Ro Laren marching in, holding T'Pol's arm.

T'Pol is wearing a shamed expression, with her eyes to the ground, as if she has been caught by her mother raiding the cookie jar.

"What's going on?" I ask.

"Tell him!" Ro demands, looking at the Vulcan.

"Well, Captain." starts T'Pol, "Do you have a Spacebook Account?"

This is the social networking computer system that is sweeping all over the Federation. Many others are using it as well.

"Certainly." I reply, "Doctor Crusher and I use it to exchange err...certain important messages. Anyway, what does this have to do with what has happened?"

"Well I made a friend named Elena, and as we became acquainted, she casually asked if I knew what frequency the Enterprise shields worked on, where the border defence satellites are between the Federation and the Romulan Star Empire, and what frequency they are."

"You didn't tell her did you?" I say in shock, barely able to swallow my stress pill.

"No, Captain." replies, "That is why I went to Ro Laren to ask if she knew."

My head slumps, hitting the desk. I then stand up and bang my head against the wall a few times before facing them.

"Let's take a look at your Account, T'Pol."

When we do, I see the woman who calls herself Elena.

"T'Pol!" I exclaim, "This woman is a Romulan! They would do anything to find out that information!"

"Is she?" replies T'Pol, "I thought she was a Vulcan. The races do tend to look alike, don't they."

I'm about to return to hitting my head against the wall, when Riker and Deanna, who had been listening at the door come forward.

"Nothing has been gained by them, Captain." Deanna reminds me.

"It could be useful if we 'told' them." says Riker with a smile.

"I think I know what you mean, Number One." I tell him, and reach to the computer,

I send a message to Elena in T'Pol's Account.

Hi Elena!

I've been really lucky! The Enterprise shield frequency is 89.64 mhz, the defence satellites are at Kiros, VanAllen, and Tiros, and are currently running at 43.61 mhz.

Your friend,


Quickly, I get a message back from Elena.


You're a true friend! Great to know you. Sorry I won't be able to chat for some time as I'm going on a classified mission. Thanks again for all you've done.

Your friend as always,


"Well that should solve our problems." I tell them, "When the Romulan Fleet come to the border, or meet the Enterprise, they've going to get a nasty shock."

"I think Elena is likely to get into a spot of trouble." Riker comments.

"Indeed." I say, and turn to T'Pol, "I wouldn't expect any more messages from Elena. Where she will end up, there won't be any Spacebook Accounts."

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Spacebook (Part One)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Right now, there is a new sensation that is sweeping the Federation and the words beyond. It is a social networking system that is on computers called 'Spacebook'.

It seems like most crewmembers on the Enterprise have an account, and are making friends with people from all worlds.

Starfleet seem to like it, as it is promoting harmony between races even more than the regular visits they used to make.

When I set my account up, the first Friend I naturally put in was my soul sistah Ensign Britney. She loves it, as we can exchange secret messages even she is in the brig, which happens to be quite a lot.

I don't have many friends. After all, I did come from the Terran Empire of two centuries ago in a parallel universe. Not too much in common with these around me.

Still, I am pleasantly surprised when I look in my Spacebook Account and see that someone wants to be my Friend. Her name is Elena.

There doesn't seem to be much detail about her, but I accept, and send her a welcoming message. Quickly, she responds.

Hi Sweetie!

This is Elena, Happy to make your friendship, T'Pol. I know we'll have a lot of fun chatting.

I reply, and tell her a few things about myself, my past, and where I am. She sends another message.

Hi T'Pol,

That all sounds so cool! Being on a Galaxy class vessel from Starfleet. You are so lucky! It must be a really powerful starship. Do you know at what frequency the shields work on?

Your Spacebook Friend, Elena

It sounds an odd question. Anyway I tell her I have no idea. Elena sends another message.

Hiya, T'Pol,

That's too bad. I always was interested in shield frequencies. I know the Federation has a powerful defence system. Do you know where the border defence satellites are between the and the Romulan Star Empire, and what frequency they are?

Hugs, Elena.

This girl keeps asking me all manner of questions that I have no idea of the answers. I tell her that I'll try and find out for her. Elena thinks I'm so cool, and a true friend in taking the trouble.

It's great to be able to help a friend in need.

I decide to go to Ro Laren.

"Ro." I ask, "I just wondered if you happened to know what frequency the Enterprise shields work at, where the border defence satellites are between the Federation and the Romulan Star Empire and what frequency they happen to be?"

Ro has a look of alarm on her face, and asks why I want to know.

"Elena, my Spacebook Friend was curious to find out. She tells me that she was interested in..."

"Oh she did, did she?" Ro comments sharply, "I think we need to see the Captain. We could have a potential problem on our hands."

Sigh. It seems like Elena might not be a friend after all.

To be continued...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Wesley & Karena's New Captain

"You have a private message coming through, Captain." Data informs me, as we travel routinely to who-knows-where.

"I'll take it in my Ready Room, Mr Data." I inform him.

Secretly, I always hope these are going to be private messages that Bev wants to send to me, but they never are. Usually, they are trouble of some sort.

I switch on, and a woman's face appears.

"Greetings, Captain Picard." she says, "I am Captain Erika Hernandez of the USS Rhode Island."

My heart sinks, as I can guess what the subject of our discussion will be about: Wesley Crusher and Karena.

"What can I do for you, Captain?" I ask in innocence.

"As I'm sure you're aware, my ship will have three new Ensigns shortly, two of which you may have some prior knowledge. I was hoping if you can tell me what they are like?"

I'll have to tread carefully, here. I don't want Hernandez to be put off having them, particularly Wesley. If she knew the truth, he might end up on the Enterprise.

"Well." I say, "Ensign Crusher served as an acting Ensign here for some time. In fact he saved the ship on a number of occasions."

"Really?" says Hernandez, looking impressed. I miss out the fact that Wesley is disaster prone and when he saves the ship they are generally from disasters that he started.

"He should be a valuable addition to the crew." she concludes.

I cough at this remark, and Hernandez moves on.

"Now on to Ensign Karena." she says, "I understand that she is the fiancee of Ensign Crusher, and an Amazon....what is she like?"

"Err..." I say hesitantly, "She is very errr...independant."

"You mean she doesn't follow orders?" asks the Captain.

"She comes from a matriacal society." I remind her, "Where women are the dominant species, She isn't used to taking orders from men."

"Well, if I tell her to take orders from men, she'd better." Hendandez comments sharply.

"I'm sure she will, Captain." I reply with a forced smile.

"Do you know anything about this Andorian female named Tarah, Captain Picard?"

"I did see her when the Diplomas were being handed out." I reply, "She seems to like Ensign Crusher."

"Athough he is the fiance of Ensign Karena?" asks a bewildered Herdandez, "What do you suggest I do?"

"Paint the brig a good shade of pink." I tell her drily.

Bev walks in as I am talking; she recognises Hernandez, and get's in front of the videoscreen,

"Captain Hernandez!" she says to her, "Please look after my Wes! He's very delicate. Make sure he gets fed properly, and don't send him on any missions that are too dangerous and don't...."

"Bev!" I say quietly, "I'm sure the Captain will look after Wes. There's no need to panic."

"Thank you, Captain Picard, Doctor Crusher." Hernandez says, "I think I've got a pretty good idea of the Ensigns when they eventually come on my ship."

She definately said that with sarcasm!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

TWQ: Best Foreign Language Movies

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about favourite Foreign Language Movies

What are your favourite Foreign Language films (non-English language)? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

1: The Lives Of Others: This German film, recently made is regarded as one of the best movies ever. It's about the East German Stasi, and a hardened officer who listened in on a suspect couple, and starts to sympathise with them. It won 'Best Foreign Language Movie' Oscar in 2007.

2: Pan's Labyrinth: This Spanish movie competed with the above for the Oscar. A fantasy/war movie that shows a little girl who slips into the fantasy world during the last war.

3: Sophie Scholl: This true German movie tells of Sophie Scholl, a member of the White Rose, an anti-Nazi group within Germany during WW2. A show trial follows, with an electrictifying performance by Sophie. A little known, but brillianty movie.

4: Seven Samurai: This Japanese movie, made in the 1950's was the inspiration for 'The Magnificent Seven'.

5: Raise The Red Lantern: This Chinese movie, which tells of the fourth wife to a rich man, who has to deal with the other three wives who live with him is unforgettable. Unable to get on Region 2 DVD with subtitles.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Seven Of Nine On Death Row (Part Three)

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

Locutus and I have gone to the Borg Union planet to try and save the life of Seven Of Nine. She has been arrested and accused of murder. She is now on Death Row awaiting termination, which will be very shortly. She killed her hated rival Nine of Ten, a female drone from Unimatrix Cube 15.

Time is running out, and we are facing opposition, as the Union Committee like neither me nor Locutus. The welcome wagon was hardly rolled out for us.

One of Five comes to the cell. He is the Union Commitee leader.

"How was Nine of Ten killed?" asks Locutus.

"It is none of your business, human." he answers, "But in deference to the Queen here, "She was found with blood around her, then taken to the mortuary"

"We wish to see the body." Locutus says.

I do not think One of Five likes taking orders from a human. Nor anybody for that matter.

With a grudging agreement akin to agreeing to have his teeth pulled out, he takes us to the mortuary and opens the casket.

It is empty.

"I do not understand!" exclaims One of Five, "What has happened?"

"Did you check the blood?" asks Locutus "Was it hers?"

"We did not need to." he answers, "Her heart was stopped."

Locutus turns to me, "Could Nine have used some blood that was not hers and stopped her heart for a short time by artificial means, so that people would think she was dead?"

"Of course she could." I answer, "What would it have achieved?"

"All she needed to do was wait until Seven was terminated." he answers, "Then after that she would come back saying that she was just grazed by a cut from Seven and people would believe her."

A figure emerges from the shadows in the back of the mortuary.

"Very good, Locutus." says Nine of Ten, "You would make a fine addition to the Collective."

She lunges forward at Locutus, with her arm outstretched in 'assimilation mode', but I intervene, hitting her firmly, and knocking her to the floor.

It's wise to avoid hitting the implants, as it can give one a lot of pain.

"You shall be taking Seven's place on Death Row, and there won't be anyone to help you." I say with a triumphal smile, winking at Locutus.


Several hours later, my Cube has reached the Enterprise. We are just about to beam Seven and Locutus back to the ship.

"I am grateful to you for saving me, my Queen." Seven tells me.

"Thank Locutus." I say, "It was his human thinking that found the truth."


"We are indeed strange bedfellows." he says to me before we depart.

This time, both Seven and myself are confused. I shall have to learn more human phrases.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Seven Of Nine On Death Row (Part Two)

I have been expecting Seven of Nine to return from her Borg Assimilated Drones Union (BADU) meeting, but there has been no sign of her. We are at the meeting point.

Suddenly, a Borg Cube appears after coming out of a Transwarp Conduit. We go to Red Alert, but even as we do, a figure appears on the Bridge.

"Hello, Locutus." says the Borg Queen, "I hope you are well. We have an urgent matter that we need to discuss."

"What is it?" I reply.

"I'll explain on the Cube as we travel to the planet." she tells me, then says to the others, "No harm will come to your Captain. His presence is needed if we are to save Seven of Nine from being terminated."

I tell the Bridge crew it willl be all right, and to remain at this position in space. With that, the Queen and I vanish, and appear on the Cube.

"What's happened to Seven?" I ask, as the Cube travels via the TransWarp Conduit.

"She was arrested for the murder of her dispised rival, Nine of Ten at the union meeting." the Queen answers, "All the evidence is pointing towards her, with fingerprints etc. One of Five, the Head of the Union Committee, has placed her on Death Row, where she will shortly be terminated pending an investigation. In Borg circles, this means she has no chance. Seven sent a message to me asking to help, and to bring you along, as she thinks only us can prove her innocence."

"Can't you Borgs work it out for yourselves?" I ask, "I thought with the Borg Collective and the Hive Mind, you would be able to read each other's thoughts and find out who did it."

"This is true, Locutus." the Queen answers, "But some Borg have learnt to close off parts of their minds. Whoever the guilty one is has mastered this, so we cannot find out any other way than detection."

"So we are the CSI in this matter?" I ask with a hint of sarcasm. The Queen fails to see the joke.


As the Cube comes out of TransWarp, the Queen turns to me.

"Beware, Locutus." she says, there are many who would raise objections to a human dealing with Borg matters, especially as the matter is decided in their eyes."

"But you are the Queen." I protest, "They will have to do what you say."

"This is a Borg Union planet, Locutus." she replies, "The Management, which is myself, have no say in the affairs of what go on. Seven is the only member of my Cube here. We have to find the evidence to save her."

"We are strange bedfellows." I say to her.

"But we are not sharing a bed, Locutus." she replies, "Sometimes I find your comments rather strange."

The Borg certainly have a sense of humour extraction when they are assimilated. I shouldn't think there are many Borg comedy programmes on their television networks.

The Queen and I beam down, and are greeted by a hostile looking Borg, who fronts four others. This must be the Union Committee.

"Welcome, your Majesty." the Borg at the front says contemptuously, then looks at me, "I am One of Five. What is the meaning of bringing this human to a Borg Union planet?"

"He is a former Borg named Locutus." answers the Queen, "And we are both here to help Seven of Nine and to find the truth regarding who killed Nine of Ten."

"That matter is decided." One of Five declares, "Seven of Nine will be terminated in the near future."

"We shall be the judge of that." she replies, and we stride past the sour faced drone, on the way to Death Row, so that we can talk to Seven.

"I don't like that One of Five." I comment.

"Neither do I, Locutus." the Queen replies, "I'm going to have a word with the Queen of his Cube. He'll be in for a shock when he gets back."


We reach the cell. Seven, who had been looking very dejected, is elated to see us.

"Your Majesty and Locutus!" it is good to see you." she says, "I didn't kill that Borg. I have been framed."

"Yes." says the Queen, "I know you would not kill, unless I tell you to. Locutus and I intend to find out who it was."

To be continued...

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Seven Of Nine On Death Row (Part One)

Guest Poster: Seven Of Nine

I have been given time off by both Locutus and the Borg Queen to attend the Annual General Meeting of the Borg Assimilated Drones Union (BADU).

As the Union Representative of the Cube Unimatrix Zero One, I have to go and put my grievances of the drones to the Committee. What happens then is that the Committee then go to the respective Queens, put their viewpoints and are then promptly disconnected.

It's why we have a new Committee every year.

Anyway, I am going to listen to the latest viewpoints. The Borg Queen has told me that everything is fine on the Cube, which I haven't visited too often since being assigned by her to go to the Enterprise, and I am inclined to believe her.

Suddenly I hear a sarcastic voice pipe up.

"Well, if it isn't the human-loving drone from Unimatrix Zero One!" the voice says.

"Nine of Ten!" I exclaim, "What are you doing here? Surely the Unimatrix 15 Cube haven't been that desperate as to sent you along. What happened to the last Representative from that Cube?"

"Four of Four was destroyed in an attack by humans." she replies pointedly, "Your friends, Seven did it, so I was eager to act as the new Representative in order to meet you again."

A crowd of drones are gathering. It seems that some love nothing more than a couple of female drones fighting each other, and pulling at their hair and Borg implants.

"I had no say in that." I reply, "It was a different Starfleet vessel."

"And your Queen is very pally with your human Captain, who was a Borg himself." Nine goes on, "Human are meant to be assimilated and destroyed."

A member of the Committee, One of Five, comes between Nine and myself before we start to fight.

"You are Borg drones." he says, "You will do the will of your Queens and not engage in fighting."

Nine and I walk off in opposite directions. We were always rivals, and I never got on well with her.


A few hours later, there is banging on the doors of my Quarters. When I open it, I am greeted by two large Borg Security Drones. Between them is One of Five, with a very official and stern face.

"Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01." he reads out, "You are arrested for the murder of Nine of Ten, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 15." You will be placed on Death Row until a court date. If found guilty, you will be formerly terminated."

"I am innocent..." I start.

"Evidence has been found to suggest otherwise." he replies.

I am dragged off and placed in a seedy looking holding cell.

This is a big problem. Only two people can assist me now.

To be continued...

Saturday, April 12, 2008

600th Post & TWQ: Hippie Names

Yes, it's both the 600th Post plus a TWQ today, so there is a lot to do today. Let's see what the TWQ (The Weekend Question)is:

We see some odd hippie names, like Moon Unit etc. If you had the chance to rename your hypothetical hippie family (mother, father, son, daughter), what names would you choose?

My answers are:

Sunshine (wife)
Lightning (me)
Rain (son)
Snow (daughter)

Now it's over to you.....

Now regarding the 600th Post, it's hard to believe that after nearly three years, I have reached this point. I can recall the time..

"Oh, stop being so boring, Jean-Luc, it's like listening to Data drone on without contracting."

"Q!" I exclaim, "What do you want, I'm doing this very important post."

"Yes, yes, I know." he answers, "Do you think you know how to do these? You answer them like you're going to do one of those endless speeches to Admiirals that send them all to sleep. You'll have every one that sees your post drifting off elsewhere. Here. This will keep them..."

"Q!" you're interfering with my post, now...."

"I'm trying to help you, Jean-Luc." he says, "You have a very haphazard crew. Every other starship travels around normally, but not the Enterprise. You seem so frought with disasters, getting boarded by aliens, entering parallel universes, time travel, getting turned into a criminal. This doesn't happen with any other Captain....except the delightful Kathryn, but that's another story."

"Q!" I shout, "Just go away and let me..."

"Of course, the nature of your crew doesn't help." he continues, "What other starship has a Chief Engineer with those shades, an android, a donut eating Commander, a barmaid that is 600 years old, a Counselor who can read thoughts, a Borg drone, a red headed female doctor that fancies you, who has a disaster prone son with an Amazonian fiance, a holographic doctor who sings opera, a Klingon with a bad temper, a Trill, an insolent girl who spends more time in the brig and a rebel from to centuries ago that came from a mirror universe?"

"Don't forget being tormented by a being from another Continuum." I retort.

"Touche, Jean-Luc." he replies.

"Look, Q" I tell him, "I'm running out of time to do my speech. I'll have to leave it."

"Then I'm sure the readers will be thanking me for doing them a favour." he answers, "Until the next time, goodbye."

Q vanishes, leaving me just enough room to thank you all for visiting my Journal throughout the 600 posts.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part Three)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

With the entire Enterprise staff beamed on to another planet, the holo entertainer Vic Fontaine and I are trying to save the ship from being taken to a scrapheap by the Myranians, a most unpleasant race who really only want the metal and parts for their own use.

Personally I wouldn't mind, but my program is embedded in the ship, and I have been promoted to Emergency Command Hologram for this mission. A status I rather like, as I can boss someone around, even if it is just a holographic singer.


"What are we going to do?" shouts Fontaine in desperation, "If we don't take out the other five Myranians, us and the ship will be sold as scrap to a merchant."

"Then we have to act quickly." I answer, "Let's go to Engineering."

We open the doors to see two of them working on a screen. They turn round and fire powerful weapons at us. They pass right through us, but both of us start to flicker.

The holo emitter was hit! Isn't that always the way? Why are they put in such prominent places.

Fortunately, our disruptors strike them and finish them off, and we run out of Engineering before we disappear.

"We just made it into the corridor." I say, "Let's get the other three. This will be the most difficult, there being so many."

"I'd rather be singing I've Got You Under My Skin right now." complains Fontaine.

"You're getting under my skin right now." I retort, "Let's get the job done."

It's sometimes hard being in command when your subordinates are troublesome and whine a lot.
Instead of taking the turbolift, we decide to use the element of surprise and beam ourselves in with guns blazing, like cowboys and their six-shooters in the saloon.


We both appear on the Bridge, firing our disruptors at anything that moves.

"What..." the Myranian sitting in Captain Picard's seat said as he turned round.

It turned out to be the last thing he said. The other two get destroyed with ease with our six shooters...I mean disruptors.


Several hours later, we arrive at the planet where the beaming signal came from, and all the crew are returned to the ship.

"Well done, Doctor and Mr Fontaine." says the Captain, "You did an excellent job of saving the ship, "Had we lost the ship, we would have had to pay for a new one out of our salaries."

Never mind that I would have ceased to exist!

Doctor Crusher approaches.

"You did really well." she says with praise, "The Captain will put you back to being a normal EMH again. The burden of responsibility is tough. I know you wouldn't like to be a permant ECH."

Thanks for asking! As if I have any say.

"Jean-Luc....I mean the Captain and I will be going to the cinema tonight." she continues, "So you'll be on bedpan duty during that time."

Sure. That's what all heroes have to do!


Authors's Note:

Mimi sent me a meme regarding her 'Message In A Bottle'. See her blog for the rules. This is my bottle:

Author's Note:

This is the 599th Post. Be here for the next one, which is a combined TWQ and 600th Post!

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Docter

What is the nature of your medical emergency?

That's typical. That call me up and then there's no one around.

It's strange, though, as the Sick Bay is empty. Dr Crusher is usually ordering people around.

Suddenly a holo- image of Captain Picard appears in front of me.

"Doctor." he says, "We have an urgent mission for you. The Myranians have beamed us all of this ship. The Enterprise is being taken to one of their scrapyards to be destroyed and useful parts taken. You must stop them before it's too late. Enlist the help of Vic Fontaine, the holo singer. I'm giving you the status for this mission of ECH...Emergency Command Hologram. You will be able to locate us by the beeper signal Commander Data has within him. Good luck."

It's like a tape should be burning at this point like a 1970's tv series at this point.

My uniform changes to Command Red.

Now they want me. Doctor Crusher keeps giving me the drudging jobs like sweeping the floor and cleaning the bedpans. The mood soon changes when they need me.

I decide to call the computer.

"How many Myranians are there on board the Enterprise?"

"There are six. Three on the Bridge, two in Engineering and one in Ten Forward."

Next I'll get Vic Fontaine.

I go to the Holodeck where The Sands nightclub is,. Fortunately holo emitters have been installed throughout the ship, so I can move freely.

Opening the door, I see Fontaine rehearsing, singing I Get A Kick Out Of You. I explain the situation.

"That's tough." Fontaine muses, "It's not much use if I don't have an audience to sing to every night."

I roll my eyes in despair. "That's not all. Our programs will be destroyed when the Enterprise is scrapped."

"Okay, Doctor." he says, "We've got a big problem. Now what I suggest is..."

"I'm in charge!" I remind Fontaine sharply, "See the red on the uniform? I'm the ECH. The C stands for Command, now you have to do what I tell you."

"Yeah, sure." he replies, "Keep your hair on, fellah. You're the boss man."

"Good." I say with a satisfied air, "We'll go to Ten Forward and take out the Myranian who is on his own, hopefully without alerting the others. "

"What about weapons?" Fontaine reminds me, as if I've forgotten.

"I know about them." I say, "The armoury happens to be on the way there."


We get kitted out so that we look like a pair of Rambos. Disruptor phasers shouldn't make too much noise, but it'll make a great impression on a Myranian when we fire.

The two of us enter Ten Forward. The Myranian turns round in surprise and we ventilate him with our disruptors.

"One down, five to go, Doctor." Fontaine comments.

I look outside and see a planet with scraps of starships flying around.

"We've arrived at the scrapyard." I say in alarm, and take a look on the surface with our scanner.

"We'll have to work quickly." I comment, "Otherwise that will be us. I don't fancy being the spare part of an old alien starship."

To be continued...

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part One)

"Are you sure we are not in any hostile territory, Number One." I ask Riker as we sit on our chairs in the Bridge.

"Of course not, sir." he replies petulantly. He had been complaining a few moments earlier about that plastic seat he has to sit on.

"Then why are we being signalled by four battlecruisers?" I ask. Apparently, Riker had been too busy picking the donut crumbs off his chair to notice the events on the screen.

"Oh, them." he replies hesitantly, "I'm sure they want to welcome us to their part of the galaxy."
"I don't think so." pipes up Deanna, "I feel there is distinct evil emanating from their ship, as well as opportunaties to get something."

I tell Data to activate the videoscreen to see what we've got this time.

Charming. This alien needs to work on his smile a little, although it looks like he visits the dentist often enough.

I go into my usual welcome spiel, although aliens tend to ignore it.

"I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Star..."

"You will be silent!" the alien barks before I can finish, "I am Captain Karas of the Myranian ship Conquerer." he informs me, "You have strayed into our part of space. You will hand your vessel over to us."

"Now look..." Riker starts, but I urge him to sit back.

"Captain Karas." I say, in my best diplomatically grovelling voice, "We are explorers, and made a simple mistake by coming into your airspace. If you'll let us turn round, we'll remove ourselves, and I'll send a letter of comnedation to your government for the masterful way you conducted this incident."

"Your entire crew will be transported in five minutes by our mass transporter." Karas tells us, "To a safe planet in your space where you can reside. In a few months, we may choose to inform your commanders where you are, and they can rescue you."

"This is outrageous!" shouts Worf, "You will pay for your insolence!"

"...Or we may not." continues Karas. "Your starship will be taken by us to a Myranian scrapyard, where it will be crushed, and the metal used to build a Myranian ship. You can take comfort in knowing that your puny vessel will be making a REAL ship, that is worthy of battle."

The signal is gone.

"We have to attack the vessels now." says Worf and Riker, as if in tune.

"We cannot." Data tells them, "Sensors show that the four battleships have far superior weapons. We would be destroyed if there were just one."

"What are we going to do, Captain?" asks Deanna.

THIS is the woman that I ask for advice? Time is ticking away before we are all beamed off.

Come to think of it, there are two I know that won't be beamed off. Only they can save the ship.

Quickly, I instruct the computer to record a message to be activated with a holo-image of me the instant everybody leaves the ship.


Suddenly, we all vanish, and over 1000 of us find ourselves on a tree-infested world, that looks well stocked with fruit and water.

Some crewmembers, who were on the nightshift, and were sleeping, are still in their jimjams. Ensign Britney complains that she did not have time to collect her chewing gum.

I instruct the staff to search for various places we can stay and things we can eat while we wait for the Enterprise to come back... if it ever does.

To be continued...

Saturday, April 05, 2008

TWQ: Vacation Brochure Hidden Meanings

As people are booking their vacations, they look in brochures. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into some of the phrases they use.

Can you think of an alternate meaning that some of the vacation brochures might mean? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

'Simple rooms' .... walk 100 yards to the toilet.

'Two minutes to the beach' ... if you take a jet plane.

'Locals are friendly' ...women might get sexually attacked.

'Locals are very friendly' ... men might get sexually attacked.

'Busy area of town' .... very noisy.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Do Not Disturb Picard!

Guest Poster: Will Riker

The Cap approaches me as he is about to leave after a shift.

"Now then, Number One." he starts, "I know you're about to do the 'graveyard shift' for tonight. I am telling you that I've had a very exhausting day, and under NO circumstances am I to be disturbed and woken up."

"But what if we get an alien invasion, Captain?" I ask, "Won't we..."

"I'm sure you can handle it." he says, "This is your chance to sit in the Captain's chair and look after everything."

The Cap walks off and I fit down on the Captain's chair. It feels very comfy.

"Deanna." I point out to her, "Why is it the Captain's chair is comfier than the Commander's?"

"Perhaps for the same reason he has got one more star on his uniform than you have?" she points out.

Sometimes Deanna has a way of putting things.


Some hours later, we are surrounded by four unknown shipsd, and get a visual hail on the screen. I put away the donut I am eating.

"I am Inspector Vartak of the Chameloid race." he declares, "You will be ready for boarding."

I tell him who we are, and that we will not allow ourselves to be boarded. He switches off.

"We may have to let him on, Will." Deanna tells me, "We are in Chameloid space. If we have committed an offence, it may be in our best interests. Besides that, there are four warships around us."

"You're right, Deanna." I tell her, "Though I'm not fond of letting a Chewbacca lookalike on the Enterprise."

I switch on and talk to Chewie... I mean the Inspector, asking him what the problem is.

"We've had reports of a disturbance in the area." he informs us, "We have been told that an alien starship has assaulted a member in the Sleazy Tavern on our planet and made off with a replicator. The starship was this one, the Warbird Centreprise."

"You've got the wrong ship," I tell him with smugness, "Warbirds are Romulan ships, this is the USS Enterprise. We saw the ship you are referring to six light years away."

Vartak looks embarrassed. As much as any of his race could look that way.

"Sorry to trouble you, Commander." he tells me, "We'll be on our way."

The four ships hurry off in the direction I pointed them. Worf will be happy that some Romulans will be in a Chameloid prison.


A few hours later, the Cap is up, and I am telling him what happened.

"Well done, Number One." he comments.

"Thank you, sir" I say, "I just wanted to ask something about the Captain's chair..."

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Mayor Of Unimatrix Zero

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

All the inhabitants of Unimatrix Zero are getting a little bored right now.

There are all these people campaigning to be Mayor. So many posters fixed on the trees.

Of course, we are all Borg in real life, but those of them that possess the recessive gene in their bodies are allowed to exist in Unimatrix Zero when they are regenerating in their alcoves. My counterpart Seven of Nine wouldn't be too happy if she knew she was also Annika Hansen here!


I hear a knock on the wall of my cave.

"Hello Annika." says a familiar voice.

"Axum." I say with a groan, "What do you want? I thought you'd be with your new lover, that Trill named Vi Toran. She's not up to much, is she?"

"Annika." he replies, "Don't speak ill of Vi. I know we used to be close, but that's not why I'm here. I've decided to run for Mayor, and I was hoping if I could count on your vote?"

After I stop laughing, I remind him of all the secret assignations he went on before we parted, and all his time at the golf club.

"You'd be a politician with a sordid past." I tell him, "You had a mistress while you were with another woman. Axum, come to thing of it, you have the ideal image of a politician!"

Axum walks off sadly, as he knows my vote is not one he is going to get. After all, he can't have a policy to put car park fees up for the time someone is absent, just because their Borg selves are away from their alcoves.

Korris, my Klingon next door neighbour walks in and says he heard the commotion and laughing, and asks to make a suggestion.

"Why don't YOU run for Mayor, Annika?" he says, "I'm sure you'd be very popular. I could persuade all the Klingons to vote for you if you give them some favours in the tax system."

I consider this.

"Do you think it's possible?" I say, "I'd have to run against my former lover Axum. He would have the support of the Trills because of his mistress Vi Toran."

"But you will have the Klingons." Korris reminds me, "And all those who like your famous upside-down cake."

"What about the other contenders?" I ask.

"They will soon fall out of the running once they see the opponents. I'll be your Campaign Manager."

"All right, Korris." I say with a firm decision, "Let's start the ball rolling."