Wednesday, March 30, 2011

T'Pol In The Hot Seat

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

I'm in charge on the Bridge for the first time since my promotion to Lieutenant Commander. Naturally, it's during the 'graveyard shiift', when the Enterprise's corridors go very quiet and most of the crew are in bed, or in  bed with someone else. Indeed, the only activity that tends to happen is that staff walk very quickly from their quarters into someone else's.

Technically, of course, in space, there is no night and day, and so we have an 'artificial night' to get the bodies adaptable. An invading enemy isn't going to know that, though. We can't ask them to come back in the morning when everyone is awake. Hence the skeleton staff we have to pilot the ship.

"What's it like out there, Lieutenant Britney?" I ask. Naturally, I wanted Brit to share the shift with me and a be a helmsman. She wouldn't want to be alone in our quarters. We can then go back together later on when it is all over.

"All quiet, sweetie." Brit answers, as she turns around to blow me a kiss.

"Brit!" I whisper, "I'm your commanding officer on the Bridge. You shouldn't address me like that. Only when we're together alone."

"I've seen Captain Picard talk to Beverly Crusher like that!" she replies.

"Maybe in the corridors, but not on the Bridge!"

"Okay, honey." she winks, "I won't do it again."

"Object closing in on sensors!" interrupts Ro Laren, who is on Tactics.

"Identify" I say in my authoritive voice.

"It's a Romulan ship!" Ro answers, and I am told they are hailing us.

"Captain Picard....who are YOU?" asks the Romulan on the videoviewer.

"This is Lieutenant Commander T'Pol." I tell them, "I am in charge of the Enterprise."

"A Viulcan Commander.?" sighs the one on the left, "That's all we need. Where are Picard, Riker, or the robot?"

I explain to them that it is an artificial night here and that I am on the graveyard shift while the Captain and the others sleep.

"It's just like going to a stage show on Romulus, sir." says his assistant, "One goes to see the top performers, and we end up getting the understudies."

Understudies? I think I've just been insulted.

"It serves you right for coming when the matinee was on." I tartly reply. with that, the Romulans switch off the videoviewer, then reverse course towards Romulan space.

"What was that all about?" asks Britney.

"I'm not sure." answers Ro, "We may just have prevented a hostile invasion by not being the people they wanted to see.

We look at each other, then laugh out loud.

"Time for some coffee and donuts!" I exclain.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Serving Two Masters

"She's WHAT!" yelled Admiral Bullock over the video in my Ready Room. He is so loud I have to turn the volume button.

Bullock goes and has a drink of whisky, then sits down in front of the viewer.

"Now look, Picard." Bullock informs me in seething calmness, "It was all very well allowing Seven Of Nine to take the Starfleet Entrance Exam to try and become an Ensign. It looks very diplomatic, smooths over any problems.....but she wasn't supposed to pass!!"

"But she did, sir." I answer, "She got 100%"

"You should have faked the answers so she didn't pass!" the Admiral angrily tells me, "We can't have the enemy serving in Starfleet."

"I'm sure she will be very loyal, sir." I tell him, "As an Ensign, she will do what I say."

"You mean what the Borg Queen says!" Bullock snaps back, "Did it never occur to you to think what Seven of Nine will do if the Enterprise has to come up against a Borg invasion? You'll be the first to to get shot with her phaser on 'kill'."

For the first time I look worried, and tell the Admiral I will sort it out. I summon Seven to the Ready Room and set up a video link to Borg Cube 01, where the Borg Queen is.

"Hello, Jean-Luc" she tells me in a very feminine voice, "What a pleasure it is to hear from you. It has only been a couple of days since we last conversed. Have you dumped that Beverly Crusher and decided you want me instead?"

"No, Queenie, I have a serious problem.

"Well perhaps a Borg implant might help you?"

"No!" I answer, "It's about Seven Of Nine.". As the drone enters, I explain to them both the difficulty that Admiral Bullock has placed me in.

"He should be assimilated!" sneers Seven, "He is preventing me becoming an Ensign."

"I think we have to consider another solution." Queenie comments over the link. "How about these parameters: Seven is ordered to do everything that Locutus commands her to do, regardless of whether it is detrimental to the Borg race. However, when she is on leave, Seven will report to me."

"What about classified Starfleet secrets?" I ask, "The Hive Mind will know about it."

"That can be adjusted." Queenie tells me, "I can make sure that Seven still gets access to the Hive Mind, but her thoughts will not go to it. Nor will I ask Seven about secrets."

A video contract is drawn up and Seven goes out of the Ready Roon to resume her new Ensign duties.

"Thank you for sorting that out, Queenie." I say, smiling at her on trhe video viewer.

"That helped us both out." she replies, "Incidentally, there is a charming French restaurant on a planet we've just assimilated. Would you like to go there with me for dinner and who knows what afterwards?"

"Sorry, Queenie." I say quickly, "The Enterprise has a mission elsewhere."

"Another time, Jean-Luc." the Borg Queen says with a sly smile.

I switch the monitor off hurriedly.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

TWQ: Bored!

First of all, apologies for a story not showing up last Wednesday. It had all been set, but nasty Blogger had changed it from 'schjeduled' to 'draft'.

The TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks what you do whenever you are bored..

When you have nothing to do, or are bored, how do you occupy your time? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Go on Facebook (I do this regardless of whether I'm bored)

* Put on a classic DVD film or boxset

* Read that book that I currently have

* I don't have time to get bored at the office, though!

Now it's over to you.....

Monday, March 21, 2011

Seven In Starfleet (Part Three)

Editor's Note:

Apologies for not putting the TWQ in over the weekend. I thought Ialready had.


Guest Poster: Seven Of Nine

For the first time since I was a Borg, I am totally alone.

I am no longer in connection with the Borg Hive Mind. This has been done by the Queen so that I can sit my Entrance Exam into Starfleet as an Ensign. Locutus has said that if I were connected, I would have been able the access the minds of Stasrfleet Officers that we have assimilated in the past.

Eventually, I pull myself together and get used to the idea that it is just my thought in my mind and no one else's. I can no longer her the Borg Rolling News Channel, for example.

On entering the Exam room, Deanna Troi is there to greet me.

"Hello, Seven." she says cheerily, "Are you ready for your big day?"

I nod, and sit down; the Counselor approaches me.

"Now then......sorry Seven, you can't have that!"

She gets a wet towel and rubs off the crib sheet answers that I have written underneath my arm..


"Now, Seven." she tells me, "I'm sure you don't need that. As the exam hadn't started, I won't say anything to Captain Picard. You can pass this exam on your own. You don't need any help."

"Then you come and do it." I answer sarcastically.

Deanna giggles, and places the paper down in front of me, face down.

NAME: It states.

I write 'Seven Of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One', although there is not much room to put this down

Several questions are relatively simple, due to my experience on the Enterprise, and write them down quickly. This is terrible. I am having to think like a human, rather than a Borg. I hope I'm reconnected really soon.

Here is one question.."You are in command of a starship and you come across an enemy ship. What do you do?' I am about to write 'Tell them they will be assimilated as resistance is futile, or if it is a Borg ship, surrender willingly' when I realise that this may not be the answer. Instead, I put a typically Starfleet answer which I find repellant, to do with diplomacy and negototiation.

Another question: "The ship is about to explode. You and your second in command are in the engine room. The only way to survive is for one of you to go in and release it, which will mean certain death. What do you do?" I immediately consider writing "Send the second in command in." but realise this may be a trick question, so I write, "Go in and get killed, but save the ship." As if I would! The very thought!

Two hours from the start, Deanna stops eating her chocolate and calls "Time's up, Seven."


Shortly after, I am back in the Ready Room with Locutus. We are looking at the Borg Queen's image on video. I heave a sigh of relief as I am reconnected to the Hive Mind. What a relief that was. I can now listen to the rolling news, and catch up with all the soap operas.

Deanna comes in with the exam sheet after marking it.

Locutus looks at it and goes pale.

"Well?" demands the Borg Queen, "How did she she do?"

"Incredible." answers Locutus, "She got 100%.....errr....welcome to Starfleet, Ensign Seven."

I notice that he goes and has a stress pill immediately after saying this.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Seven In Starfleet (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Seven Of Nine

The time is coming up to when I'll be sitting my Starfleet Entrance Exam and be an actual Ensign. Locutus is not very pleased that a Borg drone could be a fully fledged member of his staff and in Starfleet, rather than just an observer on the Enterprise.

I am summoned by Locutus to a meeting where we can video conference with the Borg Queen. The machine flickers on, and I see the face of my Queen.

"Hello, Seven." she starts, "It is wonderful to see my favourite drone again. What is it you want, Locutus? I hope you have not found a way to stop her taking this exam."

"No answers Locutus, "I have spoken with the Starfleet Admirals, and despite their objections, I have managed to persuade them that it will be in the intersts of good Federation-Borg relations if we let Seven take them exam."

"Excellent." the Queen enthusiastically, "But in that case, why are we here talking about it? I sense there is still some sort of problem."

"There is." Locutus sats hesitantly, "The Admirals have said Seven would undoubtably get 100% marks because she can call on the Hive Mind of the Borg and get the answers from all the Starfleet staff that have been assimilated in the past. That would be like cheating. The only way Seven can take the exam is if we cut her off from the Borg."

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!!" I scream out, "I can't lose the connection!!"

The Borg Queen looks at me intently.

"Now listen, Seven." she says, "We both want you in Starfleet, but unfortunately Locutus is right. You would be able to call up any memories in the Hive Mind. I can switch off the connection here, and as soon as you've finished it, I'll switch it right back on. It'll only be for a short time."

"Are you ready to start the exam in a few moments, Seven?" Locutus asks me.

"Very well." I answer, "You may sever the connection, my Queen."

I hear a click, and all of a sudden, my mind is emptied. I scream out.

"The voices have gone!" I call out, "I'm totally alone and isolated!"

"Pull yourself together, Seven." the Queen orders on the video monitor, "Now go and do that exam. The Collective will be waiting for you when you get back."

I hold my head. My mind is in disarray. Locutuis takes me to the exam room. However will I manage to qualify on my own?

To be continued after the TWQ......

Monday, March 14, 2011

Seven In Starfleet (Part One)

I am relaing in my Ready Room with a cup of earl grey tea and two chocolate biscuits. I am just about to dunk the first one into the cup when Seven Of Nine strides in. The suddeness of it causes the entire biscuit to drop into the tea.


"I wish to speak to you. Locutus." she demands, as if I have any choice in hearing the drone drone away for who knows how long.

"What is it, Seven?" I ask annoyingly, as I try to fish the remains of my chocolate biscuit out of my tea with a spoon.

"I have observed that in recent times, you have promoted Jennifer Baxter, T'Pol and Britney." she starets, and I can see this is leading to something I won't like.

"Err....yes." I confirm.

"But you have not promoted me." Seven tells me in a sharp tone.

I nearly fall off the chair in astonishment, but manage to regain my composure.

"But Seven." I answer, "You are not even IN Starfleet! You are merely a guest on the ship as part of a truce between your Borg Queen and us, so you can observe human ways."

"That is irrelevent." the drone snaps, "When I told the Queen, she thought I ought to be promoted as well and be a member of Starfleet."

"You can't be a member of the Borg AND of Starfleet!" I protest, although I haven't a chance of winning this argument.

"Why not?" answers Seven, "There are many races on the Enterprise, "You will promote me to Commander immediately, Locutus."

Then, I see a flaw it what she is saying.

"You have to earn your status, Seven." I reply, "You will have to take the Starfleet Entrance Exam, and the Ensign Exam.. If you take and pass those together, you can be an Ensign in Starfleet. Like the others, you will get promotion on merit.."

"Very well." Seven replies, "I shall take those exams and pass easily." Satisfied for now, she walks out of the Ready Room while I go on the hunt for my biscuit, which the tea appears to have melted. Will Riker comes in.

I tell him what Seven has asked for.

"She'll never pass, will she?" asks Riker, amazed, "I mean...having a Borg drone actually in Starfleet."

"I don't know, Number One." I reply, "She may just do it and actually be one of us."

To be continued.........

Saturday, March 12, 2011

TWQ: Confusing Gadgets

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks whether you've mastered any of today's confusing gadgets.

Do you use any of today's modern gadgets to their full use, or do you just use their basic needs to get through? List as many gadgets as you wish?

My answers are:

Simply put, I find ALL gadgets confusing, and use them all just a little, notably:

* The digital TV & digital DVR

* The digital camera (that instruction book is so complex)

* The Windows 7 computer (I have a 1000 page book, but is too complex to view further!)

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Training T'Pol

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

As I have just been promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Commander, I am currently being trained into the role by Data.

Talk about boredom! It's like listening to a recording that never stops! I wish I knew where that 'Off' button was he had.

"The next thing you should remember, T'Pol." Data drones on, "Is that when you are in command on the Bridge..."

"Give it a rest, Data!" I exclaim, "I might just have been promoted here, but two centuries ago I had that role in the mirror universe."

"The two hardly compare." answers Data, somewhat irritated, "In the mirror universe, Commanders frequently put offenders in the airlock or in the pain booth. I recall that you mentioned some time ago that Phlox put someone in because a crewman was late for his shift. Do you think your friend Britney would have survived in the mirror universe with her high level of insubordination?"

Rats. He has a point.

"I guess not." I glumly reply.

"In that case." he continues, "Learn the duties of a Lieutenant Commander in this universe, and forget about how things were back then."

I go back to filing my fingernails while Data's words go in one ear and out of the other. We are in a holodeck simulation of the Bridge.

"Now then, Lieutenant Commander T'Pol." Data instructs me, "You will sit in the Captain's chair and observe this scenario."

I get into position, having put my nailfile away.

"There is a colony that desperately needs our help from an invading enemy, yet we have to cross the borders of a offensive area where we are banned from travelling to get there quickly. What do we do?"

This is a tough one. Perhaps I shouldn't have been using my nailfile?

"Errm...tell the hostile race we are on a mercy mission?" I suggest.

"That is a possible solution." Data comments, "But what if they refuse?"

Drat. Drat. He's making it tough.

"In that case, we'll go anyway." I continue.

"We could be risking a diplomatic incident and a war by doing so....." Data reminds me.

"We have no choice." I say, "The lives of the colony members are more important. We can solve any diplomatic wrangles later on."

"Well done, Lieutenant Commander T'Pol." Data tells me, and shakes me hand, "You have successfully completed the training. You answer was correct."

Phew! A lucky guess there. I hope I don't get too many situations like that. In the future, something nasty will come up.

Monday, March 07, 2011

Strong-Armed Britney

"How long has she been a Lieutenant, Deanna?" I ask, while waiting for the newly-promoted Deltan to appear in my Ready Room after being summoned there.

"Just a few days, Captain." the Counselor replies, "I expected Britney to be lax in her new role, but it's turned out quite differently."

"Yes." I comment, "I need to talk to her before things get out of hand."

I hear a knock on the door, and Lieutenant Britney enters.

She is wearing an absurd top hat, blonde wig, pants that look sprayed on, plus huge boots and a very exposed midriff. I see her dress style hasn't changed at all.

"Now then, Lieutentant Britney." I start, somewhat hesitantly, "I've been having a little negative feedback about your new role since you were promoted. It seems that the Ensigns are somewhat afraid of you."

"Who are the ringleaders?" Britney snaps, "I'll throw 'em in the brig!"

"As you've already put most of the Ensigns in the brig." I reply, "It's hard to say."

"Well, now that I'm in Security." Britney explains, "I'm trying to make sure that everything is all right."

"Having an Ensign wash the corridor floors with a mop and a bucket because the top button of their uniform is undone is extremely heavy handed, Lieutenant." comments Deanna, "Even more so throwing another in the brig because they walked out of the turbolift before you did."

"Indeed." I say to the Deltan, "I mean you hardly wear an official Starfleet uniform, do you? Deltans have a freewheeling live and let live philosophy."

"I have dispensation to wear what I like, according to the Deltan-Ferderation Agreement that brought me here." sniffs Britney, who finds a tissue in that hat of hers and has a little cry, "You said you wanted me to live up to my rank. I wanted you to be proud of me so I started cracking down on everyone and......I'M SORRY!"

Lieutenant Britney breaks down in a blubber of tears.

Deanna looks at me and gives Britney a box of tissues.

"Now then, Lieutenant." I tell her, "You just need to ease off and relax. Be more like the woman you were as an Ensign."  I regret saying this right away.  "I mean...just be careful."

"Are you sure?" says Britney.

"Yes." I answer, "Just get all the Ensigns out of the brig and apologise to them. They'll soon forget about it all."

Britney eagerly gets up, takes some chewing gum from inside her top hat and inserts it into her mouth.

"Well, Captain, counselor." he says, "I'll get them released, then head off for some serious necking time with T'Pol. I'll see you around."

After she departs, Deanna and I look at each other.

"I hope we haven't released a monster!" Deanna says in a worried voice.

"No." I replies, "It means that Britney is back!"

Saturday, March 05, 2011

TWQ: New Laws

Every day, we seem to see ridiculous new laws imposed on us, but never any that suit us. TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks for laws that WE like.

What new laws would YOU like to see passed? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* The volume of TV adverts to be halved

* All cars to remain at least 30 feet behind and not to push the driver into going faster

* All employess who come intom the office as hoodies to be shot.

*Any neighbours who park their cars in front of another's driveway to be dragged out of their house legally.

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Britney, T'Pol & Jenny Promoted

Guest Poster: Lieutenant Britney

Yeah, that's right, I'm a Lieutenant, or at least I will be in a few moments.

Right now, there is a gathering of crew all around, with the Senior Staff bagging the front seats as usual.

Jennifer Baxter, T'Pol and me are sitting on a separate area, as it is the three of us who are gonna get promoted. Jenny is in her full dress Starfleet uniform, my girlfriend T'Pol has put her best 22nd ISS uniform on. As for me...well I'm rustled up something. At least I remembered to put my underwear on for a change, so they can't complain.

"Just what are we getting promoted for, sweetie." I whisper to T'Pol, who is sitting next to me.

"I don't know, Brit." replies the Vulcan, "Maybe you managed to stay out of the brig for more than a month?"

There is a trumpeting. Beverly Crusher comes out in her official uniform, carrying a wooden box.

She places it on the podium and opens it. There are three medals. Captain Picard then follows with his speech. I hope I get the promotion first so that I can fall asleep and not have to listen to him droning away.

"Every so often." he starts, "We see that this crew have individuals whose actions are way above what we would normally expect of them.."

It sounds like he's doing the longwinded speech. I'll switch off mentally and be back in a minute.


 "And so we now come to the medals and the promotions." after what must have been an eon. Firstly, for her work in averting a diplomatic catastrophe and stopping The Baroness, I promote Ensign Jennifer Baxter to the rank of Lieutenant."

Jenny gets up, walks over, does the salute and gets the medal pinned on. "Thank you, sir."

Data, naturally claps the loudest when the applause starts.

"Secondly" Picard continues"For her fast work in preventing a brainwashed Deanna Troi from flying the Enterprise into the sun, I promote T'Pol to the rank of Lieutenant Commander."

My girlfriend gets up and receives the medal. I give her a congratulory kiss when she returns to her seat.

"Well done, Lieutenand Commander." I say with a laugh.

"Lastly." Picard informs the assembled people, "For the great contribution she has made, such as her fight against The Dregs Of Society, finding an antidote for her friend T'Pol and err....staying out of the brig for more than a month., I promote Ensign Britney to the rank of Lieutenant."

Wearing my black wig, black mini dress and large black boots, I get up to receive my medal. Captain Picard rolls his eyes and sighs.

"Congratulations, Lieutenant Britney." he tells me as he tries to find a place on the silk dress to pin it, "Try to live up to the rank."

"Well done you two!" Jenny calls out when I return to my seat, "Shall we go to Ten Forward to celebrate?"

T'Pol and I look at each other.

"I think you'd prefer to celebrate alone with Data." I say with a smile, "T'Pol and I are going to do so in our quarters."

With that, the two of us take a couple of bottles of Galasian Champagne and head in the directions we need to go.