Thursday, November 30, 2006

Party Preparations

I'm worried about the Christmas Party that is starting next week.

It could well have been a mistake having the Borg do the catering and playing the music; however, as the Borg Queen threatened to assimilate us if we don't comply, we didn't have much of a choice.

The senior staff are having a meeting in my Ready Room so that we can discus the final preparation before it goes ahead.

"How are things with the Borg, Seven?" I ask her.

"I have received a communication from Unimatrix o1, Locutus." she replies, "The Borg Queen tells me that The Strolling Bones have been rehearsing, and will be ready to perform; there are back up drones standing by in case one of the band members becomes faulty and needs repairing."

"And the Catering?" inquires Riker.

"That is also taken care of" she tells him, "There are drones who have been trained in carrying cocktails, cheesy snacks and vol-au-vants."

"Good." I tell them, "Now what about the invitations? How are we going there, Data?"

"We are getting quite a few replies, Captain." he answers, "Many are saying that they cannot wait to enjoy the occasion. For a few, I have had to assure them that they will not be assimilated by one of the waiters."

Seven looks the other way when this is mentioned, but she assures me there will be a truce while the party is going on.

"Where will the Enterprise be, Captain, while the party takes place?" asks Geordi.

"Hopefully in a very quiet part of the universe, Mr La Forge." I reply, "The party will go on for five days, and none of us will be in too good a condition to ward off alien invaders."

"They should know it's Christmas!" chimes in Deanna, and the others agree.

"How about the Christmas tree, Jadzia?" I ask, "Is that coming along?"

"I've got a team of 12 crewmembers working through the day and night on the decorations." she says with irritation, "If we'd have had the party in the holodeck, we could have created one instantly."

"It's not the same, Jadzia." Beverly tells her, "People like to see a real tree."

"Does that mean you'll join the volunteers, Beverly?" replies Jadzia drily.

"Now finally," I state, "Security. What is happening there, Mr Worf?"

" I will have a team of my best officers standing at the door, making sure we don't get anybody we don't want in, Captain." Worf states firmly, "The brig will be all ready so that we can throw any troublemakers in there right away."

"No need to be too heavy-handed, Mr Worf" I advise him, "Be discreet; after all, the crew are enjoying themselves and letting their hair down, like I will be doing."

I hear many try to suppress a slight giggle at this remark. I wonder why?

"Klingons are not known for discretion, Captain." Worf comments, "However, I shall think carefully before I throw anyone in the brig."

"All right, everybody." I tell them, "That's the meeting over. Now let's get ready for the party starting on Monday."

What are we all in for?


Author's note: Your last chance to submit an entry for the Christmas Party is Friday night 1st November! See previous posts for details!

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Bev & Deanna Go Trekking (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I don't know why I was so enthusiastic for Deanna and I to go exploring on Deva VI when we had some time off. She was keen on shopping in the mall, as usual, but no, I took her to this remote planet, and now we're in all sorts of trouble.

We've been fired on by someone from an above cliff top; we've hidden behind some rocks, and now someone is coming up to us....


"It's good to see you again, Beverly and Deanna" says the voice.

I look, and can't believe who it is; she has long red hair and is dressed in an all-red command outfit with Captain's stars.

It's me...or more likely Captain Beverly Howard from the alternate universe, where the Federation is known as the Federation Female Empire, as it is ruled by women.

"What are you doing here, Bev...errr...Captain Howard?" Deanna tactfully asks her.

"It's all the fault of that Captain Picard!" she replies angrily, "When he was aboard, he encouraged my loyal devoted follower Commander Troi to turn against me, with lies that men and women and should work together instead of being dominant over men. As a result, Troi and her minions put me in a pink Escape Pod, which went into the ion cloud and took me to your universe. The Pod crashed on this planet."

"Men and women ought to work together!" I tell me...I mean her. That might be a mistake as it will get her annoyed again.

"Fools!" Howard snaps, "I was hoping to recruit you both as loyal assistants, but I can see you are as blind to serving Picard as my Commander was."

We get up, ready to be led off to our inevitable doom, when I realise what I have in my pack; it's a good job I'm prepared.

"Distract her." I whisper to Deanna; she thinks for a momemt, and looks at the Captain.

"Err...nice hairdo, Captain Howard." comments Deanna.

I roll my eyes, but get out my phaser rifle., and quickly turn it to her.

"Back off, Captain Howard!" I tell her, "You're our prisoner now."

We take her back to the shuttle.

As we get ready, Howard chats to Deanna, who is holding the rifle."

"You have a lovely hairdo." says Howard, "Wherever did you have it done; I know I'd love mine like that."

"Thank you very much." replies Deanna, "I have mine done at..."

Before she can finsh her answer, Howard has jumped up, grabbed the gun and is pointing it at us.

"You'll never learn will you?" Howard tells us, "You wouldn't be good enough to be on my team. I'll take this shuttle and go. You can stay on the planet. However, to show womanly solidarity, I'll send a call to the Enterprise to collect you after I've gone."


A few hours later, we are in Jean-Luc's Ready Room, telling our story.

"Don't feel down about Beverly Howard getting away," Jean-Luc tells us, "I'm sure we will encounter her again. I'll just take the cost of the shuttle out of your salary."

"You're not going to do that, are you, Captain?" asks Deanna in astonishment.

"As you don't get paid, that's hardly likely to happen!" he replies.

Sometimes I think Jean-Luc has a very warped sense of humour!


Author's note: Just a few days left to put your Christmas Party Entry in! The deadline is Friday 1st December. See previous posts for details.

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Bev & Deanna Go Trekking (Part One)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

As Bev and I have got some time off from the Enterprise, we thought we might find something to do.

Naturally, I wanted to do some pre-Christmas shopping in the Starfleet Mall, but Bev had other ideas.

"Don't keep thinking about shopping all the time, Deanna" she told me, "You can order anything you like online by doing it from the Starfleet BeamOrder website on the Enterprise."

This made me pull a face a little (glum me!), as there is nothing like going around these malls, window shopping, and feeling those gifts first before obtaining them!

"What about a hike?" she suggests, "The two of us could pick a planet, take some supplies and go for a long walk to see the beauty it has."

"Bor-ring!" was the first thought I had, but after much persuasion, Bev had got me round, and we were starting to organise what to take.

We mutually decided to go to Deva VI, a small planet that is both rocky with green areas and picturesque scenery.

There looked a lot of walking to do, but I could hardly use that as a defence to Bev, as I shop till I drop in the malls! giggle!


Two hours later, our shuttle was heading towards Deva VI; Bev was smiling away, as she was keen on exploring a new planet. In the meantime, I was looking at the latest shopping catalogue, thinking of where I ought to be right now.

We landed with a bump, but everything was still in one piece; why can we never land evenly?

Bev was all ready with her pack, that contained, drink, sandwiches and a high powered phaser. She was always someone who like to be prepared!

"I think we'll head that way, Deanna." she said, pointing south, "The greener areas are there, and will be better for us; have have you got the camera?"

"Yes." I replied glumly, and we trudged on.

"Isn't this absolute fun?" Bev asks me enthusiastically, "It's much better than those tiresome malls, isn't it?"

Does she really want me to answer that?

"There is a really beautiful waterfall" she exclaims, pointing in one direction, "And look, there is a..."

Bev's talking is interrupted by shots from above that just miss us; we dive for cover.

As we hide, I notice a strangely coloured escape pod nearby.

"I wish we were at the Starfleet Mall, Deanna." says Bev.

NOW she says it!

"Hello ladies" says a familiar voice, as a figure approaches.

To be continued...


Author's note: Don't forget, all the details for submitting your Christmas Party entry are in the post below (25th November)

Saturday, November 25, 2006

TWQ: James Bond Films

With a new James Bond film out, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at Agent 007.

What has been your favourite scene in a James Bond movie? If you have more than one, list them.

My answers are:

1: In Goldfinger, when Bond is on the industrial laser, Goldfinger says "No Mr Bond, I expect you to die!"

2: In On Her Majesty's Secret Service, the scenes as 'We Have All The Time In The World' by Louis Armstrong is being played.

Now it's over to you...

But before I go....

Here is a second showing of the Christmas Party Invitation. Note that the deadline for sending them in has been increased to Friday night 1st December.

This is your official invitation to the Enterprise Christmas Party that starts on Monday 4th December!

What I'm asking you to do is write a short post of what happens from your viewpoint at the party. It will be then published in the Journal.

These are the rules to remember:

1: The post is from YOUR viewpoint only. You can involve Enterprise characters, plus other known races and figures, such as the Romulans, the Borg, Q, Lwaxana Troi, Seven, Jadzia Dax, Karena or make some up yourself. You can even include some bloggers that are likely to be there (see my Guest Quarters' list on my blog).

2: There is the guest Borg band (The Strolling Bones) to consider; remember the Borg will be doing the catering as well. You are only limited by your imagination!

3: The length should be whatever you consider suitable.

4: Remember this is a family-friendly Journal, so take heed of what you write.

5: In accordance with Rule 4, I reserve the right to trim entries or not to publish them if I consider them unsuitable.

6: The closing date for entries is Friday 1st December.

7: Send your entries to: Captain Picard ( marking your entry 'Enterprise Christmas Party'. The E Mail address is also under 'Secure Channel' on my Journal page.

8: Don't forget to include your blog ID and your blog address so you can be credited.

9: If I get a substantial number of entries, I will be doing several posts together, to be changed daily from the 4th December onwards.

10: For any of those unsure of what their entry should look like, read some examples from last year's party in the December archives week commencing 5th December.

Good luck, everybody!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Life In Engineering

I'm getting really fed up with Lieutenant Davik.

Ever since Ambassador Spock bought the Vulcan on to the ship, and placed him in Engineering, morale has gone right out of the torpedo tubes.

Though I might be his superior, Davik adopts a rather patronising view of the others. No one else likes him. He's about as popular as the Tyrellian Flu.

Let's see what it's like there today....


I enter Engineering, and hear the familar sound of raised voices.

"I d-don't t-think that's the right t-thing to do." says Reg Barclay to Davik.

"What do you know?" replies Davik dismissively, "We Vulcans were experts in this field of engineering long before you were flying in starships."

"T-that's not a f-fair thing to say." comments Reg.

Tempers are getting frayed again. I rush forward and divide the two of them.

Trouble City Arizona, man. What am I going to do with Davik?

I had asked Captain Picard, but says I am responsible for Engineering, and need to sort it out myself.

There seems to be a little bit of buck passing there.

However, there is one person who might be able to help me out; Deanna. Hopefully, she can convince Davik that his behaviour is unaccaptable. I can't keep placing him on report every day.

Deanna arrives and I explain the situation.

"This could be difficult, Geordi." she replies, "Vulcans are very self-opinionated and tend to believe they are right, even if a superior officer tells them otherwise."

I monitor the situation by video as Deanna takes Davik into my office, though I can't hear what they are saying.

After a while, Davik comes out and approaches me.

"I'm very sorry for any problems that I've caused you, sir." he tells me, "I shall follow the chain of command on the Enterprise, and be a loyal member of the Engineering team."

With that, he returns to his duties, and talks in a friendly manner to the other crewmembers."

Deanna comes out with a smile.

"What happened?" I ask, "Davik has changed completely."

"Well, Geordi," Deanna replies, "I just happened to mention that the first few days on a Starfleet vessel is always probationary. After that, the Captain has the option to transfer them to a Klingon, Ferengi, or any vessel he chooses."

"But that isn't true, Deanna."

"Well." says Deanna with a smile, "I guess there are things that even a Vulcan doesn't know after all."

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Spock's Visit (Part Two)

Spock and I arrive at the Bridge to see what the emergency was about; he was touring the ship with me after having delivered a male Vulcan, Lieutenant Davik to us after Starfleet said there wasn't enough Vulcans in senior positions.


"What's the Emergency, Number One?" I ask.

"We've passed through an unidentifiable gas cloud" replies Riker, "It's affected the systems and we look set for a Core Breach in two minutes."

"Don't panic!" I shout out, "Prepare for evacuation; ideas anyone?"

"Calm down, Captain." comments Spock, "I'm sure this can be handled easily."

"Well you stay and handle it, while we leave the ship." I reply quickly.

"Vulcan logic will always arrive at a solution." he tells me, "I'm sure Lieutenant Davik has solved the problem by now."

"He's only been here half an hour." I remind him, "He's unlikely to have..."

I get a message from Geordi on my Com.

"The problem is over, Captain." he tells me, "The threatened Core Breach has been averted just in time."

"Well done, Mr LaForge." I reply, "You did an excellent job in saving us all."

"Actually, it wasn't me, Sir." says Geordi, "Lieutenant Davik was the one who did that; he did some spellbinding work on the computer and everything was running normally again. If it wasn't for him, we'd all be space dust."

"Pass on the ship's thanks." I tell him.

I hope we haven't got someone else here who is going to keep saving the ship like Wesley used to do? He's only been here half an hour, and he's already saved it once. That's a faster rate than Wes does it.

"Shall we continue our ship's tour, Ambassador?" I say to Spock.

"Yes, Captain." he replies.

During our walk down the corridor, we encounter Seven.

"This is Seven of Nine." I tell him.

"Fascinating." comments Spock, "A Borg drone."

"A Vulcan." replies Seven, "A most pedantic and overlogical race."

"Would it be possible if I had a Mind Meld with you, Seven?" asks Spock, "I believe the experience would be most... enlightening."

"I will not comply!" snaps Seven, "The thoughts of the Hive Mind are exclusive to the Borg. The only way you shall be part of my mind is if I assimilate you. Do you wish me to do that?"

"No, thank you, Seven." says Spock, and we walk on.

"Sorry about that, Ambassador." I say apologetically.

"No need, Captain." he tells me, "Although it may not be wise to consider Seven in the Diplomatic area of Starfleet."

We reach one of the holodecks; Spock studies them closely, raises an eyebrow; I know what he'll say in a moment.


I knew it.

"I wonder what Captain Kirk would have made of a holodeck?" he muses, "I'm sure he would have enjoyed using it."

"It would have been interesting to see what programs he would have installed." I say.

"Actually, Captain." he replies, "I know exactly the sort he would use; the ones that are banned by Starfleet regulations."


After the tour ends, I take Spock back to Transporter Room 2; we are ready to beam him out. Lieutenant Davik is with us.

"Goodbye for now, Ambassador" I tell him.

"Live long and prosper, Captain" he replies, just before beaming out, "Good luck in Engineering, Davik. Remember not to press the 'Self-Destruct' button like you did on the other ship."

I knew it!

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Spock's Visit (Part One)

We are all in our best Starfleet outfits in order to welcome a very special visitor to the ship.

Ambassador Spock is beaming on; we encountered him some time ago when we thought he was going to defect to the Romulans, but thought he could unite them and the Klingons. It all turned out to be a trick, though.

Shows how much Vulcans know, I suppose.

We are all standing ready in Transporter Room 2. Two figures beam in.

With Spock is another male Vulcan, who is in a Starfleet uniform.

"Greetings, Captain Picard." says Spock.

He gives me the Vulcan hand signal that I am never able to do properly without breaking my fingers; I try, and Spock smiles slightly.

I thought Vulcans had no emotion?

"Welcome to the Enterprise, Ambassador Spock," I reply, then look at the other Vulcan.

"This is Lieutenant Davik" answers Spock, "He is my protege' and will be joining your ship from now on."

I look puzzled.

"I haven't heard anything about this, Ambassador" I say in a slightly protesting voice, although I know what the end result will be.

"Check with Admiral Bollinger." Spock replies, "He agreed with me that there is a marked lack of Vulcans on the ship, and it could do with the enlightenment that we have."

I grate my teeth slightly at this remark.

"Very well, Ambassador." I reply, "We'll find something for him to do."

"Captain Picard." says Davik, as if someone has woke him up, "I am an expert in all forms of Engineering, and would like to be put there."

"Very well." I comment with restraint, "Lieutenant Commander LaForge will take him to Engineering; Commander Riker will assign him quarters."

They both roll their eyes and escort Davik out.

"Now, Captain" continues Spock, "Is it all right if you show me around the ship?"

"Of course" I reply, "Come with me."

As we walk around, Spock is looking around.

"Fascinating." he says to himself.

Why does he always say that?

"I must say" he comments, "Things are remarkably different here than the Enterprise. I used to be on. Even the uniforms are tougher."

"How do you mean, Ambassador?"

"Captain Kirk always managed to get his uniform torn." he replies, "Perhaps it was made of flimsier material. The women are dressed differently here as well. Captain Kirk made it mandatory that all females wore mini-skirts. He had a remarkable memory as well."

"In what way?" I ask.

"He knew the cabin number of every female crew member." Spock answers, "Captain Kirk always seemed rather tired first thing in a morning, for some reason."

"Indeed." I say drily.

We arrive at SickBay; Spock looks around and raises and eyebrow when he sees Beverly and the holographic doctor.

"Fascinating." he comments, "Very different from Doctor McCoy."

"I suppose it is, Ambassador." I reply, "I read that he used to insult you a lot, calling you a 'emotionless green blooded Vulcan' at times."

"That is true, Captain Picard," he tells me, "However Captain Kirk used to call me the same thing when he'd had some secretly imported brandy."

My Com badge goes off.

"Captain" Riker informs me, "We have an emergency."

To be continued...


Author's note: don't forget, the full details for sending an entry to the Enterprise Christmas Party can be found below on 16th November!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

TWQ: New Greetings Cards

TWQ (The Weekend Question) this week looks at greetings cards, and the increasing variety available.

Can you think of some new greetings cards that ought to be printed for today's world?

My answers are:

1: "We'll miss you"....from all the boys in prison.

2: "Commiserations on being sacked."....from your ex-boss.

Now it's over to you....

But before I do....

Don't forget the Enterprise Christmas Party Invitation has been sent out!!

Look directly below (Thursday 16th November) for all the details of what to do and how to send your entry.

Look forward to seeing you there!

...and one more thing....

I've been cruelly Meme'd by Dragonflyfilly

Here we go....

:What color are your kitchen plates? A: A bluey sort of pattern

Q: What book are you currently reading? A: Innocent Traitor by Alison Weir

Q:What's on your mouse pad? A: The Lady of Shalot by John Waterhouse.

Q:The Thing You Look Forward To the Most? A: Friday night

Q:Your favorite Smells? A: Good food

Q:Your least favorite smell? A: Hospital smell

Q:What's the first thing you think when you wake up in the morning? A: “Where am I?”

Q:Biggest Fear? A: Being alone

Q:What's most important in life? A: My friends and relatives.

Q:Chocolate or Vanilla? A: Strawberry...yes, I am awkward aren't I?

Q:Do you like to drive fast? I can't drive but if I could, the answer would be a big YEP!

Q:Favorite TV show? A: I don’t have just ONE favourite at the moment, but love 24, Smallville, Lost

Q:Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? A: No.

Q:Storms - scary or not? A: I find them attractive.

Q:First Car? A: The first car I remember being with my parents in was a Ford Anglia

Q:If you could meet one person? A: Miss Right or possibly Nicole Kidman or Enya

Q:What's your sign? A: “Capricorn.”

Q: If you could have any job, what would it be? A: It's certainly not the one I do now!

Q:If you could have any colour hair, what would it be? A: Dark grey!

Q: Is the glass half full or half empty? A: Why is the glass never full, up?

Q:Ketchup or Mustard? A: Mustard

Q:What's under your bed? A:The bogeyman.

Q: What screensaver is on your computer right now? A: Nicole Kidnman montage of pictures.

Q:Do you have any pets? A: Nope.

Q:The best place you've ever been? A: The Great Pyramid of Giza, Egypt

Q: Name something that you have in your bathroom:

A: A bath.

I WON'T be passing this on.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Your Christmas Party Invitation!

This is your official invitation to the Enterprise Christmas Party that starts on Monday 4th December!

What I'm asking you to do is write a short post of what happens from your viewpoint at the party. It will be then published in the Journal.

These are the rules to remember:

1: The post is from YOUR viewpoint only. You can involve Enterprise characters, plus other known races and figures, such as the Romulans, the Borg, Q, Lwaxana Troi, Seven, Jadzia Dax, Karena or make some up yourself. You can even include some bloggers that are likely to be there (see my Guest Quarters' list on my blog).

2: There is the guest Borg band (The Strolling Bones) to consider; remember the Borg will be doing the catering as well. You are only limited by your imagination!

3: The length should be whatever you consider suitable.

4: Remember this is a family-friendly Journal, so take heed of what you write.

5: In accordance with Rule 4, I reserve the right to trim entries or not to publish them if I consider them unsuitable.

6: The closing date for entries is Wednesday 29th November.

7: Send your entries to: Captain Picard ( marking your entry 'Enterprise Christmas Party'. The E Mail address is also under 'Secure Channel' on my Journal page.

8: Don't forget to include your blog ID and your blog address so you can be credited.

9: If I get a substantial number of entries, I will be doing several posts together, to be changed daily from the 4th December onwards.

10: For any of those unsure of what their entry should look like, read some examples from last year's party in the December archives week commencing 5th December.

Good luck, everybody!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Seven The Elf

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Locutus approaches me.

"Ah, Seven" he says, I've got a small favour I'd like to ask of you."

"What is it, Locutus?" I reply.

"Well, I'm due to be Santa Claus for the children in the Enterprise Grotto" he starts, "I'd like you to be one of my Elfs, along with Beverly Crusher, Deanna Troi and Jadzia Dax."

"I will not comply." I tell him.

"Actually, it's an order, Seven." Locutus tell tells me, "Or else I will revoke your privileges around the ship."

"Very well." I say grudgingly, "But the Borg Queen shall hear of this treatment. She will not be pleased. The Borg are supreme!"

"Yes, yes" he says dismissively, "And don't call me Locutus. It's Captain Picard."


A short while later, I am dressed in a green outfit with an absurd hat. Crusher, Dax and Troi are with me in similar outfits of different colours.

"Is this what humans are supposed to be like?" I ask them, "It's little wonder the Borg can crush them so easily."

"It's for the children!" Troi tells me irritatingly, "We create a make believe world for them in which we guide them through Santa's Grotto in the holodeck and take them to Captain Picard, who plays Santa Claus."

"Just who is 'Santa Claus'?" I ask.

"He is the patron saint of children, Seven" Crusher goes on, "He delivers toys that have been made by his elves, puts them on his sleigh and takes them to all the children on Christmas Eve?"
This is puzzling.

"Such a feat cannot be accomplished." I tell them, "Is he a member of the Q Continuum?"

"Err, no" Dax replies with a smile. I fail to see the humour.


I have been told that I am to stand with the children and escort them in, taking them in to Locutus, where Dax, Crusher and Troi will take them right up to him; Locutus is dressed in a red cloak, hood and white beard. Every so often he practices by saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" or "What do you want for Christmas?" in an absurdly deep voice.

I still fail to see the purpose of it; the Borg Queen will be fascinated by my Report about it.

A few children are gathered by me; some are crying very loudly.

"You shall be silent!" I tell them.

They look at each other then cry even louder.

"If you are not silent, I shall take you to the Borg Queen and have you assimilated!" I inform them with some authority.

"Are you the Borg woman?" a young girl asks me, "I'm Meredith, and my mommy says you will assimilate all of us in our sleep. Have you assimilated Santa Claus?"

"Actually we have" I tell them.

All the children scream and run out of the holodeck. Crusher comes running in from the inner Grotto.

"What was all that noise?" she asks, "Where have the children gone, Seven?"

"I informed them that Santa Claus has been assimilated." I announce, "They chose to scream and leave."

"You did what?" she replies, "Stay there and I'll try and get them back."


Some time later, after the children have been rounded up, and taken into the Grotto, Locutus comes out; he looks worn out.

"I don't know how I manage to do this job as Santa every year." he says, "Those children get worse; they cry and are sick over my uniform. It takes forever to get the stains out."

"You have completed this assignment for this year." I say to him.

"That is true, Seven." he replies, "Though I couldn't understand why the first question they asked me was whether I would assimilate them when I bought their toys on Christmas Eve."

Sunday, November 12, 2006


I've heard some ridiculous things, but this has got to top everything.

Starfleet has told us that our personal journals are costing too much to maintain, and the only way to sustain them is to introduce advertising.

For the best clothing, don't forget to go to 'Ferengi Furs'.

The trouble is, these are likely to appear anywhere and will upset the flow of any entries For the right time, go to 'Klingon Klocks' we make. However are we supposed to read them back later on?

I talk to Riker about the situation.

"I agree it's annoying." he says, "But I did see a great advertisement pop up on mine for a new sort of donut. I ordered some right away."

I groan.

For the best weapons, see Ak'ra. All sorts of death-inducing weapons and shields for your protection.

"Deanna saw something she liked as well" he continued, "She was composing her Journal and Supacool Ice Cream came up; she went out and ordered a vat right away."

Is everyone falling for this advertisement business; it could Don't forget the annual Starfleet vs Klingons soccer match is on Galactic tv tomorrow night at 7pm! destabilise the entire Federation.

Surely Data isn't prone to these? I go to ask him.

"Naturally I am aware that all advertising is exagerrated, Captain." he starts, "And would not buy something because they said it was very excellent."

"That's good to know, Data." I reply.

"However" he adds, "In my Journal, there was news of Alana's Android Skin Cleaning Lotion. I had to have some of that."

Has everyone gone mad? They are buying all the useless materials they see advertised.

Do you want some jewelry for your sweetheart? Go to Javana's Jewels for the very best in town.

That sounds good; I wonder if Beverly would like something from there for Christmas?

Now I'm starting to think like the others! Is there something wrong with the advertisements? I decide to consult Admiral Poindexter, the man responsible for putting them on the Journals.

When I see him on the videoscreen, he is wearing a weird trendy outfit. I ask him why.

"Well, Captain" he says, "There was this great advert from With-it Fashions that popped up on my Journal. It just looked so good."

"It seems like someone has been using the advertisements in a hypnotic way, Admiral." I tell him. "Even android Data has become infected."

Get your office redecorated with OfficeSupreme!

Poindexter returns.

"You're right, Captain!" he says alarmingly, "Someone has put subliminal programming in the adverts. They are so powerful, even Data can be infected. I'll get the adverts closed down right away."

What a relief those adverts are off. Now I can write my Journal in peace.

I think my office needs redecorated. I wonder if OfficeSupreme could help?

Saturday, November 11, 2006

TWQ: Unusual White House Occupants

There are three matters to mention in a packed TWQ (The Weekend Question) this weekend.

1: Regular TWQ

2: A link to a joint story written by
Padme Amidala and myself.

3: Early alert as to the Enterprise Christmas Party.


Firstly, the TWQ:

As the mid-terms have just been carried out in the USA, are there any unusual people you think might do a good job as President. Say why.

Here are my answers:

1: Superman: Here is someone who would do a good job, with his slogan of 'Truth, Justice and the American Way'. Lois Lane would be a good First Lady as well. It might be a good idea to line the White House walls with lead, though, just in case kryptonite was around.

2: Dr Hank McCoy (Beast): As we saw in 'X3', he is a great diplomat, but also tough when it needs to be.

3: Logan (Wolverine): for those who want to dispense with diplomacy, and want a straight-talking President, this is the man for you!

Now it's over to you....

Secondly, there is a joint story co-written by Padme Amidala and myself. Here is how it starts:


Data alerted me as soon as I arrived on the Bridge.

"There is a message for you on the Starfleet Emergency Channel" he said.

"Who is it from?" I asked.

"I do not know; it is strictly classified, and the indentity of the sender is only meant to be known by you, Captain."

Starfleet secrecy; always keeping things to themselves, even if it's just to tell us when the next Captain's conference is."

I went into my Ready Room and turn on the monitor; naturally, I had to say the codewords; woe betide if ever I forgot them.

A face appears on the screen; it was a young woman.

"Hello Jean-Luc."

"Senator Padme Amidala!" I exclaim, "What a pleasure it is to hear from you again; how are you?"

At this question, she is a little hesitant.

"Jean-Luc, I need to speak with you privately" Padme says quietly, "Can you meet on the third planet in the Balar Sector?"

"That is a long way away, Padme; can't you tell me here?

"No!" she replies quickly, "I need to talk to you face to face. Something has happened and I need your advice, Jean-Luc."

"Of course, Padme" I say gently, "You know you can always rely on me."

"Thank you, Jean-Luc." Padme sighs with relief.

I switch the monitor off and go to the Bridge.

"Number One, you will look after the Enterprise for a short while soon." I say, "I have been called on an urgent mission."

"Where to?" he asks.

"I can't say, except that it is highly classified."


After taking the Enterprise part of the way, I get on a shuttle to the third planet. It is a barren, lifeless planet. I take it down to the area where Padme asked me to be.

As I walk from the shuttle, I see her approach me.

"Hello Padme" I say with a smile.

"Jean-Luc!" She cries out in relief, "I so need to talk to you!"


The rest of it was co-written on Just Padme (9th November).


Thirdly, I want to alert you that later this coming week, the Official Enterprise Party Invitation will be going out. You will be asked to submit you account of what happened to you at the party. Remember to use characters that appear, plus some from the blogroll that might also submit theirs. More details will be seen when the Invitation goes out!

Get your thinking caps on!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Journey To Wondawowman (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

This situation was ridiculous; no one was taking my Wes away from me!

We are here on the planet Wondawowman, and Queen Diana has told Jean-Luc, Deanna and Wes that her daughter Karena, who is a Cadet in the Academy, wants my son as a Life Servant, but her other daughter Nexa has expressed an interest and wants to duel Karena for Wes.


"What do we do, Jean-Luc?" I ask him, "We can't this happen to Wes."

"The trouble is, Beverly" he replies, "Is the diplomatic wrangles it would cause between the Federation and the Amazonian world of Wondawowman. We have to tread carefully."

"Mom!" shouts Wes, "I don't want to be a Life Servant!"

"I won't let you, sweetheart." I call back.

Deanna talks to us.

"Perhaps there are a number of options we can take if we ask the Queen? Perhaps I'd better ask, Captain, as she tends not to be fond of men."

Jean-Luc grudgingly agrees.

She goes forward and consults with the Queen. After a while, she stands from her throne.

"Counselor Troi speaks wisely. As Beverly Crusher is Wesley's mother, she will have to have the right of seeing her, regardess of the victory." declares the Queen, "My daughters may not injure each other, but one shall be declared the victor. Karena is too young to have a Life Servant, he may serve Karena as long as he is in the Academy. Should Karena wish him to be a Servant afterwards, the matter will be reviewed."

That sounds like a big concession.

"However." she continues, "Should Nexa win, she will claim Wesley now"

I think I spoke too soon; now I find myself backing Karena.

Nexa steps forward. She looks like a top champion with a huge sword. I'm staying well clear. I tthink the rest of us are doing the same.

"Karena, my sister" declares Nexa, "It is time for our duel, "Wesley pleases me, and appears to have much potential as a Life Servant."

"You shall not have him, sister." replies Karena, "Come forth and oppose me."

Jean-Luc is having a stress pill; he doesn't like getting caught up in these sort of incidents. Neither do any of us, and Deanna, Wes and myself have one as well.

Karena gets a large pole and begins to hit Nexa with it as she tries to get near with her sword; a few swift manouvres, and Karena gets a scratch on her arm.

That's worried us.

"So, my sister, Nexa" she says, "You would harm your own flesh and blood to get what you want?"

"Indeed I would, Karena." replies Nexa, "I want Wesley as my Life Servant."

As Nexa talks, Karena swiftly moves in, knocks the sword of Nexa to the ground, and then her sister along with it. As Nexa lies strewn on the arena floor, Karena declares victory.

"All your talking defeated you, sister." declares Karena with a smile, "Do not challenge me again."

Nexa angrily gets up.

"Wesley will be mine one day" she tells Karena, "This is not over, my sister."

She stalks off, and Karena comes back to us.

"Well done, Karena." I say to her.

"Thank you." she replies, "We need to return to the Enterprise and back to the Academy as soon as possible."

"What's the hurry, Cadet?" asks Jean-Luc.

"Wesley has lots of ironing to do" she tells us, "Plus he has to cook a victory dinner for me and my friends. Come on, Wesley."

I sigh., as I see poor Wesley trudging off.

I thought he had got out of being a Life Servant?

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Journey To Wondawowman (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Karena


"Just why do you want to take us to your home planet on the Enterprise?" Wes asks me for the umpteenth time.

I give him a prod with my spear and tell him to be quiet, as all will become apparent soon.

Men! They are so impatient.


We beam up to the Transporter Room. Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher are waiting for us there.

"Welcome Cadets" he says with an annoyed look, "We shall now be taking you to Wondawowman. I'll have a crewman take your bags to to your quarters."

"That won't be necessary." I reply, "Wesley will do all that for me; come on, Wes. Pick up the bags."

For some reason, Beverly Crusher looks astonished; perhaps she hasn't seen her son do hard work. Far too soft on him, I think. She whispers to the Captain, but it appears he has a slight smile.


In my quarters, after Wesley has bought my luggage up and departed to talk to his old friends on the ship, I have a sonic shower, and put my battle armour on so that I can practice in the holodeck with my spear. Firstly, though, I put the monitor on so that I can talk to my mother, Queen Diana of Wondawowman.

Her image comes on the screen.

"It is wonderful to see you, daughter" she says to me, "Have you done everything I instructed you to?"

"Yes, mother." I reply, "Wes has no idea that he was chosen as Life Servant by me, and of the challenge by my sister Nexa to take him off me."

"Good" she says, "The Federation are strangely backward in these matters; they might believe that Wesley Crusher has rights."

"That is true, mother" I concur, "However, once we are on Wondawowman, they will be subject to our laws. The Captain of this vessel and Wesley's mother may present some problems."

"Do not worry, daughter Karena." my mother assures me, "I am Queen Diana, and absolute ruler here. They won't be a problem."


A little while later, after much practising on the holodeck, Wesley, myself, Deanna Troi, Beverly Crusher and Captain Picard beam down to the co-ordinates on the surface. Wesley is looking a little worried, as if he is about to be given a lot of extra ironing.

"Welcome to Wondawowman, Captain Picard, Dr Crusher, Counselor Troi, Wesley, and of course, Karena." announces my mother, "I am Queen Diana, absolute ruler here."

"It is a pleasure, your Majesty" says the Captain, "May I ask why you needed us here?"

"NO YOU MAY NOT!!" she shouts, "You are just a man; I will tell you, and not just respond to your questions."

" that case, may I ask, your Majesty?" Deanna Troi inquires.

"Of course." my mother replies, "You are a woman. The reason is that since my daughter Karena chose Wesley as a Life Servant, her sister Nexa has expressed an interest and wishes to challenge Karena in a duel. The winner will have Wesley as Life Servant."

Captain Picard, Deanna Troi and Beverly Crusher look stunned.

As for Wesley, he has gone pale.

Perhaps he might be worried that he could lose me and have to serve my sister Nexa instead?

To be continued...

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Journey To Wondawowman (Part One)

It's very hard doing the housework for two people.

Ever since Karena, the Amazon from the planet Wondawowman has joined Starfleet Academy, I have had to virtually be her slave and do all the work.

The officials at the Academy have ordered me to look after her, and get her used to life here, as she is a new Cadet, and also a Princess on the planet she is from.

Somehow, I can't help feeling that it is just to keep me occupied.

I haven't been able to save the Academy from burning down so often as I used to, althpough I must admit it hasn't actually done this. Though I used to like to experiment with the gelignite in chemistry lessons, Karena just gives me a prod with her spear and say, "Come on, Wesley, you have some of my washing to do."

In the evening, she will go out with her friends while I do all the ironing and the cleaning. Why the Academy can't have everything on automatic I don't know. It's like the dark ages in the 22nd Century here.

Things have been a little odd, lately; Karena has been eyeing me and thinking.

"What are you doing, Karena?" I ask.

"Nothing" she replies, "Just get on with polishing; I have friends round tonight; I can't let them see what a scruffy place. When you've done, go hide yourself in your bedroom, and don't come out until they've gone."

"Why?" I ask her, "Are you ashamed of me?"

"You're a man" Karena tells me, "That should tell you enough. It is a woman's meeting."


After the meeting, Karena approaches me.

"I've had a talk with the other women," she informs me, "And also with my mother, the Queen of Wondawowman via videolink. You are to come with me to my home planet. Ask your mother, Beverly Crusher to get the Enterprise to take us."

"Captain Picard might not agree." I reply, "He's a busy man."

"He's just a man!" Karena says, with an exasperated air, "Tell your mother to have the Enterprise ready to pick us up in two days."

I sigh.


Not long after, I am on the monitor to my mother. I tell her the situation.

"Wes!" she says, "Karena can't order the Enterprise to pick you and her up just on a sudden whim. It has important missions."

"I know, Mom" I reply, "But when I mentioned it to Starfleet, they said that as she was an alien Princess, we should try and help her as much as possible."

A few moments later, Captain Picard comes on the monitor; I can't help feeling he has an irritated air about him. Maybe I am mistaken?

"Starfleet authority has ordered the Enterprise to pick you and Karena up" he says with an annoyed tone, "Have you any idea why she wants to go to her home planet now?"

"No, Captain." I reply, "She won't say."

"Very well, we'll pick you up in two days." he informs me, "While you're on the ship, try not to touch anything."

I wonder why he says that? Strangely, the tutors at the Academy are always telling me the same thing.

To be continued...

Saturday, November 04, 2006

TWQ:TV Intros

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about the start to some tv programmes.

Which tv programme intros do you like the most?

My answers are:

1: The Prisoner: This, without doubt, is by far the best of all, with an extra-long intro what goes on for some time. A classic!

2: CSI: Miami: The wonderful song 'Won't Get Fooled Again' by The Who launches the show off.

3: The Beverly Hillbillies: A great song starts this off, with the picture of Granny in her rocking chair on top of the Clampett car!

4: Washington: Behind Closed Doors: This mini-series had a great driving beat as it started.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Ambassador

An Ambassador from Karos is visiting us today; Starfleet haven't told me anything about him; all they are is 'Just take the Ambassador back to Karos.'

We seems to be forever ferrying these dull people like a glorified taxi service; perhaps the Enterprise ought to be painted yellow, and we get a tip at the end of the journey?

The senior staff are assembled, ready to receive him.

As the figure beams on, I see something very different.

The Ambassador is a breathakingly beautiful redhead, with a gorgeous figure.

"Errr, ummm" I say.

"Captain Picard." she says, giving me a soft kiss on the cheek, "I'm Ambassador Sylvia from Karos. I've heard so much about you and your brave exploits. You simply must tell me about them over dinner tonight. I'm sure we can do that privately."

"Err..umm...yes, Ambassador" I say hesitatingly.

"Oh, call me Sylvia." she replies softly in my ear, "I'm sure I can call you Jean-Luc."

"Err...yes Sylvia" I tell her, as I keel over due to Beverly kicking me in the foot.


A few hours later, I am knocking on the door to her Guest Quarters. It opens, but the light is very poor.

"It looks like the light needs fixing here, Ambassador." I say, "I'll send someone along to fix it."

Sylvia steps forward, wearing a diaphanous gown.

"The light is set just for us, Jean-Luc." she slowly tells me, :Sit down, and we can talk about things together."

Her perfume is overpowering, as Sylvia sits close to me. She kisses me as I go dizzy.

"What are the Enterprise shield defence codes, Jean-Luc?" is the last thing I remember.


I wake up in SickBay; Beverly is standing next to me.

"What am I doing here, Bev?" I ask.

"Fortunately for you and the Enterprise." she replies, "I can tell a bad lot when I see it. I certainly didn't like her the moment I saw her. Sylvia seemed so false. She was straying where she didn't belong."

I decide not to ask about that, but let her continue.

"The Karosians have been known to gain a lot of territory lately, and it seems to be after their Ambassadors have visited there. Data checked, and found she has perfume that dulls the senses and makes others tell the truth. Fortunately Worf and the Security team broke in and stopped herbefore she started asking you questions."

"Where is she now?"

"Enjoying a pleasant trip in the brig." smiles Beverly.

"Does that mean I should be careful of redheads from now on, Bev?" I quietly ask.

"Only of me if another one entices you in the future, Jean-Luc." she replies, as Bev kisses me.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Halloween Party

Apologies for this not being published on the 31st. The Enterprise broadband ISP ceased to function, and I was left stranded!


It's not easy wearing a pair of fangs; they tend to keep falling out.

Beverly offered to surgically alter my teeth, but I'm just not keen on having that done; better just to have some false ones for the Halloween Party.

We've decided to hold the event in Holodeck 2, and the theme this year will be at Dracula's castle.

Naturally, I'm the vampire!

I look rather splendid dark outfit,, waistcoat, white shirt and black cape.

"I am.....Dracula" I say to myself in my best Bela Lugosi voice while standing in the corridor. Unfortunately a crewmember walks by and giggles as he walks away.

What does he know.

I meet Data at the entrance, dressed in a 19th century outfit.

"Hello, Captain" he says, "I am dressed as Jonathan Harker, the unfortunate man who visits Castle Dracula in the novel."

"Very good, Data" I reply, "Let's enter the holodeck and wait for the others"

I set the program.

"Computer, enter holodeck program 'Castle Dracula' Picard1"

"Confirmed; you may enter."

We go through and the castle is set, with creepy noises all around.

As we look around, Geordi comes in; he has a hunched back.

"I''ve come as Ygor, your assistant." he tells me.

"I thought that was Doctor Frankenstein?" replies a confused Data.

"Well, yes it was, but you've got to have a little artistic with these things."

Seven enters, but she has her regular Borg outfit on. As someone told her that she ought to come as she is to a Halloween party, Seven has complied. She still looks the scariest.

Riker enters with a dashing black cape and trilby; he has a collection of wooden stakes fastened to his belt.

"Van Helsing, I presume, Number One?" I ask.

"That's right, Captain," he replies, "He always wants to rid the world of vampires."

Sometimes I can't help feeling there is a subliminal message in Riker's choice of costume related to his position at Starfleet.

Beverly & Deanna then enter; they are wearing capes that cover themselves. Simultaneously, they throw off the capes.

I nearly choke on my fangs, as they are wearing micro-costumes. They must be the ones that were given to them by Vampirella .

Riker rushes to cover Deanna up, but she says she isn't interested. I ask Beverly what they have come as.

"We're the Brides Of Dracula." she exclaims triumphantly, then whispers in my ear, "Don't you like it, Jean-Luc?"

I admit I do.

With Worf here as the Wolfman, Jadzia here as Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, and Trisha Lewis & Jennifer Baxter covered in fake blood as victims, the party is underway.

Worf is soon at the bloodwine and cheesy crunchies.

A familiar song echoes through the castle:

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise

He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash

From my laboratory in the castle east
To the master bedroom where the vampires feast
The ghouls all came from their humble abodes
To get a jolt from my electrodes

They did the mash
They did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They did the mash
It caught on in a flash
They did the mash
They did the monster mash

The zombies were having fun
The party had just begun
The guests included Wolf Man
Dracula and his son

The scene was rockin', all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains, backed by his baying hounds
The coffin-bangers were about to arrive
With their vocal group, "The Crypt-Kicker Five"

They played the mash
They played the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
They played the mash
It caught on in a flash
They played the mash
They played the monster mash

Out from his coffin, Drac's voice did ring
Seems he was troubled by just one thing
He opened the lid and shook his fist
And said, "Whatever happened to my Transylvania twist?"

It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash
The monster mash
And it's a graveyard smash
It's now the mash
It's caught on in a flash
It's now the mash
It's now the monster mash

Now everything's cool, Drac's a part of the band
And my monster mash is the hit of the land
For you, the living, this mash was meant too
When you get to my door, tell them Boris sent you

Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash
The monster mash
And do my graveyard smash
Then you can mash
You'll catch on in a flash
Then you can mash
Then you can monster mash

Seven looks puzzled at me.

"I still fail to see this human fascination with being scared, Locutus." she asks me, "Why do people celebrate being frightened."

"It's all part of the fun of Halloween" I reply.

"Well who is this 'Dracula' person?"

"He used to bite people on the neck and turn them into vampires, like he was" Riker goes on to explain, "Then they would bite other peoples necks and they would be vampires as well."

"Ah!" exclaims Seven, as if she understands everything, "This Dracula must be an early form of Borg that assimilates his victim. I can well understand you taking his part in this celebration of early Borg history."

I groan; sometimes, I know I'm not going to get anywhere with Seven.

After a few dances, Bev announces that the highlight of the evening is about to occur. She and Deanna get on the platform and begin to sing away, still in their Vampirella outfits.

When you see it's getting dark,
And is into the dead of night.
Get your fangs over here
If ever you fancy a bite.

If you want to fly your wings,
Swoop down to my way.
My neck is here for you,
All you have to do is say.


Later, I'm dancing with Bev. Suddenly, she's looking at my mouth.

"Glad I noticed, Jean-Luc." she says, "It's time for your dental check-up tomorrow."