Saturday, December 31, 2011

TWQ: Last Year's New Year Resolutions

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks if there are any New Year's resolutions you have managed to keep.

Have you managed to keep any New Year's resolutions from last year or any year. List them (if you have any!)

My answers are:

* Trying to think first before saying anything. I may not have succeeeded completely, but have made a good effort. I suppose that counts.

* To be a lot less tolerant of cold callers. I'm doing that all right!

Now it's over to you...

But before I do.....

Happy New Year!!!!

Friday, December 30, 2011

Starfleet Redundancies (Part Two)

My whole ready room is filled with noise and shouting, every member of the senior staff trying to talk above the other.

Ever since Starfleet put the word out that there are likely to be redundancies across the board, the crew have been thrown into a panic

I try to call order, but my voice cannot be heard. Bev gets a dreinking close and taps it loudly on the table. The noise goes over everything.

"Quiet for the Captain!!!" she yells out next to my ear.

I stand up and address them all when the ringing has gone from my ears.

"Now I know that you are all concerned." I start, "At this moment, we don't who what will be happening...."

"Too right!" says a female voice from the back that sounds very much like Lieutenant Britney. Others start making various complaining points.

"What about me?" protests Alyssa Orgawa, "I haven't been here that long. Is it going to be 'last in, first out'? I'm too young to be on the galactic dole queue.."

"I suppose they will be switching me off to save money!" grumbles the holographic doctor.

"There is a chance I may not be required also." Data calmly comments.

"What if Worfie gets the push?" Jadzia points out, "What will I do? There are a lot of couples here whose lives will be disrupted because of this."

A huge amount of talking ensues at this comment.

"You have a good point there, Jadzia." I say, "We need to be sure that the lives of couples and familes are not broken down as a result. I'm sure the person who comes to do the one-to-one with us will take that into account"

All of a sudden, I get a message, which I pass on to the others.

"I have just had word that the interviewer from Starfleet has arrived, and is now on board,"

To be continued after the TWQ........

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Starfleet Redundancies (Part One)

Our communications have broken down over the few past few days while we were in deep space. It was also Christmas, so we were too busy opening pressies and having drinks, rather than getting everything fixed.

Now that Christmas is over, and everybody is sober, we have been able to set up the systems again. I hope nothing important has happened. It's not likely to, as the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet tends to close down over the period.

I look at my video viewer backlog. There have been no calls except from Admiral Bullock with the Title "URGENT: PLEASE RESPOND!"

Oh dear, this sounds bad.  I call back, although I know I'm going to regret it.

"Where the blazes have you been, Picard?" Admiral Bullock demands to know.

I explain to him what happened. He snorts back.

"More likely giving each other presents and getting drunk if I know the Enterprise." he says to himself, "Anyway, I need to tell you the information that came from Starfleet Headquarters on Christmas Eve."

"What's that, sir?" I ask.

"The President has decreed that a number of crew need to lose their jobs. We have too many on the starships, which are costing a lot to build." Bullock answers.

"I thought money didn't exist any more, sir?" I ask, puzzled.

"Get real, Picard!" Bullock sneers, "How do you think we build them? With cookies that girl scouts sell? All planets in the UFP have to contribute. Costs are increasing, and we need to lay off people...from the lowerst crewman right up to some of the Captains."

"What about the Admirals?" I ask Admiral Bullock.

"Oh, we have decreed that they are too important to lose, so they will keep their positions." he tells me rather smugly, "A visitor will come to talk to each of you to see if you are worthy of staying on."

"...or just dead wood." I add sarcastically.

"That attitude will get you nowhere, Picard." Bullock comments, "Besides, you could always leave voluntarily."

"I don't intend to!" I answerr sharply.

"So be it." Bullock answers, and switches off the video viewer. Riker comes in.


"What's going on, Captain?" he asks, seeing the ridged furrows of my brow that makes me look like a Klingon.

"We've got trouble, Number One." I tell him, "Big trouble."

To be continued.......

Saturday, December 24, 2011

TWQ:What Will You Do On Christmas Day?

With Christmas almost upon us, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks how you will be spending the day.

What will you be doing this Christmas?

My answers are:

After opening presents, we lay flowers for my mother then have chicken Cheristmas lunch (I'm not fond of turkey). I'll be sending thank you e mails and making telephone calls, taking a good look at my presents, plus sitting down to enjoy TV or a DVD.

Now it's over to you...

But before I do...

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

TWQ: Office Christmas Party Rules

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) invites others to give useful advice before the office Christmas Party.

Can you think of any useful tips for people before they go to the Office Christmas Party? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Don't tell the boss what you really think of him/her while drunk. You can be sure they will remember that.

* Be careful not to get up to any kissing or whatever behind the stationary cupboard. The cost may well appear nine months late.

* Slapping or squeezing of bottoms is not advisable. Sexual harrassment applies even in an office party.

* Beware if the boss makes advances towards to. Best to suddenly feign illness.

Now it's over to you.....

Monday, December 12, 2011

After The Party

This year, I was determined to wake up after the Enterprise Christmas Party without an enoumous hangover. Before, I've found others like the Borg Queen sitting in my Command Chair looking after things when I got to the Bridge.

Not this time.

"Have these." Bev suggets, giving me a bottle of pills when I wake up in our quarters with a sound noiser than the Notre Dame Cathedral ringing in my ears, "It will completely suppress the hangover you have and return you to normal."

I consume four of them quickly,  and suddeenly feel very different. Alert and bright again.

"Err, Jean-Luc." she says with a worried look, "You were only supposed to have one of those pills. They are largely experimental, we don't know about side effects and..."

"Never mind!" I say, with a spring in my step, "I'm off to look after the Bridge. Wow! I feel so much better now!"

On the way there, I see crewmen staggering around, as if their heads have been hit by a shovel.

When I get to the Bridge,  Riker looks barely awake.

Thomas Riker

"WAKEY, WAKEY, NUMBER ONE!" I yell out ou, laughing. This causes Riker to suddenly shoot up, hold his head in pain and collapse unconsious.

The Borg Queen, in the Command Chair shows surprise.

"Well I am intrigued." she says, "Usually you are too worn out to assume command and have a massive hangover, so I have to run the ship for a while. You are quite different this year."

"That's because I've had these pills, Queenie." I explain, "I feel I've got a fantastic amount of energy and could stay awake for a week."

"Most curious." she comments.

"Yes, so thanks for helping." I tell her, "But we won't need you to command until I recover this year."

"Very well, Jean-Luc." Queenie smiles, as she gets ready to leave., "Just be careful all your energy doesn't burn up in one go. Your body could wear out very soon."

"That's not gonna happ..." I start to say, before I feel my body falling to the floor, and me ready to board a First Class train to the Land of Nod.

I just about hear Queenie sighing as she turns round and goes towards the Command Chair again.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

TWQ: Christmas Changes

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks how you thinbk Christmas has changed from how it was when you were young.

How has Christmas and the run up to it changed over the years from when you were younger? List as many as you can.

My answers are:

1: Far more secular. So many people are embarrassed to mention it in case it offends minorities.

2: Carol singers in shopping centres are 'moved on' as they get in the way of the shops.

3: Less cards seem to be given out at office and the quality has lessened.

4: The quality of TV programmes are now abysmal on British TV. Instead of all fresh programmes over Christmas, the vast majorirty are repeats, soaps and family Christmas films that no one would watch.

Now it's over to you.....

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

No one takes my man away from, me!

The Enterprise Christmas Party had been going well, the usual this and that going on, until the Borg Queen arrived. She has two burly drones with her, who keep me aside while she whisks Jean-Luc on to the dancefloor. He can't do anything about it, and the pair of them have been doing smoochy dances since then.

I have stormed off to my quarters, to get my dress ammunition. Deanna follows me.

"What are you going to do, Bev?" she asks me desperately, "Don't do anything dangerous."

"I'm not going to." I reply, "It's time to break out the Emergency Dress."

" mean...."

"Yes." I say, "If anyone is going to dance with Jean-Luc, it's going to be me."

I free the Emergency Dress from it's wrapping and show it to Deanna. She gasps in amazement.

"Beverly." she comments, when she recovers from the shock, "You can't wear that, It's too short."

"I know," I reply, as I take off my first party outfit and put onthe Emergency Dress "But I'm wearing it all the same."

With it on, I emerge and stride back towards the holographic nightclub. I can tell the crewmen are turning their heads round as they go past.

Finally I walk in and head towards the dancefloor.

The Borg bodyguards look in stunned amazement. Even The Strolling Drones have stopped playing for a few seconds while everyone looks at me.

I walk up to The Borg Queen and Jean-Luc, both who I can tell couldn't believe the outfit I had on. I push the Queen aside and take Jean-Luc in my arms, saying calmly, "Thanks for looking after him, Queenie, I'll be dancing with him from now on."

Queenie has a defeated look on her. I see her say to herself "I can't beat that tonight."

"You must have broken open the Emergency Dress that I've heard so much about." Jean-Luc whispers in my ear as we glide the floor. You look sensational."

I smile as the hours go by. Queenie is forced to dance with Annika who is in her Seven Of Nine consiousness.

The songs the Strolling Bones play from the point I return tend to have a common theme. They play The Mini Skirt Song, Miniskirts In Moscow, Mini Skirts, and also Mascara Miniskirts and Madness.

"I think mini skirts are very much in the Hive Mind right now!" I laugh.

"Merry Christmas, Bev." he says.

"Merry Christmas, Jean-Luc." I answer before we kiss.

Monday, December 05, 2011

The Enterprise Christmas Party (Part One)

"What are THEY doing here." I ask Riker, as the Party is about to begin.

Before Riker can answer, Annika butts in with her Seven Of Nine consiousness.

"The Borg Queen prefers her resident band The Strolling Drones to play in the holographic nightclub, rather than one put together by a computer." she says sniffily.

"Now see here, Seven...." Riker starts to complain.

"It's all right, Will." I tell him, "A live band probably is better, even if they are just Borg drones. If it will keep Queenie placated, then we will go along with it."

The drones set up their instruments. I must say, they look smart in their bow ties and black suits, despite being covered in metal and having an implant over one eye.


Not long after, the guests are starting to pour in. Bev is standing next to me by the piano.

"You look a little tense, Bev." I say to her, "Anything wrong?"

 "No, Jean-Luc." she answers, "I'm just wondering what trick the Borg Queen is going to use to get you away from me so you two can dance all evening."

"Relax, Bev." I tell her, "You and I both have our dance cards full throughout the entire Party...and our names are one each other's"

"Oh, Jean-Luc." see says before kissing me, "You always know what to say."

Worf comes up to me, wearing an evening suit, but still sporting a phaser.

"Excuse me, Captain." he warns me, "I have had warning that the Borg Queen has arrived and will be making her entrance shortly."

"Thank you, Mr Worf." I answer, but before he can say anything, his wife Jadzia Dax whisks him on to the dancefloor where the Okey Cokey is just starting up. Worf looks annoyed at this, and I can lip read his protest to Jadzia that "A Klingon warrior does not do the Okey Cokey!"

Our gay crew officers Lieuternant Britney and T'Pol go over to meet their friends Annette and Amanda, who they met last year. They were the proprieters of the gay bar where the last Enterprise Christmas Party was held.

I do my best not to listen in, but the four of them all talk very loud.

"It's so good to see you two again." Annette says, hugging them, "Thank you for inviting us."

"Well I tried to get the party at your place again, but you-know-who wouldn't let us." Britney answers.

I feel my ears burning at that one.

"The four of us don't get together very often." Amanda adds, "I'm glad you did, "We can get in some serious drinking and dancing done here"

"Absolutely, let's head to the bar." T'Pol comments, "The first round is on us."

"Yeah, what's your favourite?" asks Britney as their voices go out of earshot. Bev nudges me in the ribs as a way of telling me not to eaversdrop.

Suddenly, The Strolling Drones stop their music and play a fanfare of music. Obviously it is to herald the arrival of their leader.

The Borg Queen whisks her way into the holographic nightclub, flanked by two drone guards. She looks around, sees me and heads my way.

The Queen walks up and smiles, ignoring Bev after a cursory greeting and glance. The bodyguards position themselves between me and Bev.

"I'm looking forward to dancing and smooching with you ALL night, Jean-Luc." she quietly says in my ear. As we were lovers when I was assimilated, the Borg Queen has always had designs on me.

"Sorry, Queenie." I answer, "I'm with Bev.".

The Queen looks around, and as Bev is stuck behind the drones, she is not visible. "I see no Bev." Queenie teasingly says, and drags me towards the dancefloor.

While the two of us dance a smoochy number, I see Bev storm off outside, and hear her tell Deanna that she is going to put on an outfit that will put that Queen in the shade.

To be continued.....

Saturday, December 03, 2011

TWQ@ Postal & Phone Spam Solutions

We all get postal and phone b(not computer spam) sent to us. TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about solutions.

Do you have any tips on how to lessen the amount iof spam that comers through our door, or the phone scams that happen? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Phone scams:

* Tell a caller to hold on for a moment, then leave them waiting on the phone.

* Talk in a made-up language

Postal scams

*Refuse to accept mail if the mailman brings it in.

* Return it in an unstamped envelope.

* Rip it up.

Now it's over to you

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Christmas Party Planning

With the senior staff all gathered in my Ready Room, we are all assembled for the most important meeting of the year. To discuss plans for the Enterprise Christmas Party.

"Would anyone like to put their suggestions to where it should be held this year?" I ask. This is a neat way of passing the buck to the others as I haven't an idea myself.

"Definitely not in a gay bar like we did last year!" Worf gruffly barks out.

"Why not!!" yell out Lieutenant Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol almost together.

"I was approached by a young man named Nigel." answers a reddening Worf, as his wife Jadzia laughs next to him, "He suggested that I go outside and see his phaser gun. Naturally, I declined, but he still occasionally sends me messages."

Somehow, I resist the urge to laugh out loud, and see Annika Hansen is about to stand. I wonder which consiousness is dominating her?

"It must take place in a Borg Cube or at the very least a holographic representation of it ." she answers in her firm Seven voice, "The Borg Queen will expect an invitation, so it is rightful you maker her seem at home, especially as we Borg have extended a truce..."

She stops, sits down and starts talking to herself. It's clear that her Annika consiousness is having a few things to say about her suggestions.

"Can't we just have it in a holographic night club?" Will Riker suggests, "After all, it is the Enterprise Christmas Party. Visitors will just have to accept it the way it is."

"I agree, Will." pipes up Deanna, plus a few other individuals.

"Very well." I decide, "We will have the party on Monday 5th November in a holographic nightclub."

"The Queen will not like this." mumbles Annika in her Seven voice.

"Yes she will, Seven." I retort, "I think the Borg Queen knows how to enjoy a party a lot more than you do. If you don't like it, loosen up and let Annika enjoy it. This will be her first Enterprise Christmas Party."

Seven goes out in a huff.

I'm sure I'm sowing the seeds for more Party disasters.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Betazoid Conference (Part Four)

Editor's Note:

Apologies again. This should have been in last week. Blogger are playing up.

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I've got a bad telepathic feeling about what is happening outside the conference hall.

All of the delegates are in total silence, but the room is still abuzz with speeches, as it is all done telephathically. It's like tuning in to a radio with lots of stations going on at the same time. The trouble is, my mind is tuned to another station outside.

It involves Will Riker and Lynne Shelloi, who was my deadly rival as a teenager. She stole all my boyfriends from me at the time, and looks set to do the same with Will.

Not if I can help it. I shuffle off from the back of the hall just as the delegates are going to have a vote on what will be the Protected Bird of Betazoid, the Woody Wood Pigeon, or the Fanta Orangebird.

Emerging into the daylight, I go towards the pool and find Will is not there. I grab the lifeguard, threatening to throttle him until he tells me he went a walk with a 'blonde girl'.

Using my mind to hone in, I start to get nearer, and feel the voices.

"Do you want to come to my apartment, Will?"

"I really can't, Lynne."

Good. That's saved Will from getting two black eyes at least.

Eventually, I come upon them.

"Ah, there you are, Deanna," smiles Lynne, "I knew you were following us. Your telepathy is pretty good in managing to locate us, despite only being a half Betazoid."

"Stay away from us, Lynne." I warn her, "I'm not that weak Betazoid you used as a doormat when we were teenagers."

"From what I heard about you and men, you had 'Welcome' printed on you, my little doormat!" retorts Lynne.

I blow a fuse, and the two of us go into a catfight, with Will standing a discreet distance away. We pull at each other's hair, then kick and scratch. Eventually, we grapple and roll over. I bash her head against the ground underneath.

I'm about to deal the winning least I think I am...when three security officers come and separate us. The one in charge tells Lynne and I that we can either both go to jail or be expelled from the planet the conference is held at.

"Well the conference is pretty boring." I decide, "So I'm off. Come on, Will."

Lynne gets up, tends to the scratches on her body and starts to go off to her ship, which is in a different direction.

"Beware, Deanna." she telepathically tells me, "I'll get my hands on Will sometime when you're not around. You'd better keep a close eye on him."

I ignore here warning and march off, holding Will tightly, but with a grain of worry at the back of my mind.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

TWQ: New Gadgets You Would Not Buy

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about new gadgets you would not consider buying.

With the new inventions on the market,  which would you not consider buying and why? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* 3D television (just a passing gimmick)
* e-book (I like the feel of a real book, rather than reading a screen)
* iPad (with a computer and a cell phone, I don't need one.

Now it's over to you...

Monday, November 07, 2011

The Betazoid Conference (Part Three)

Editor's Note:

This was meant to be in last week, but Blogger changed it to draft!

Guest Poster: Will Riker

Deanna has just been rushed into the Betazoid Conference, but warned me before of Lynne Shelloi, a notorious maneater from her teenage years who used to steal all her boyfriends. Lynne has been seen here.

Personally, I think Deanna is overreacting over what happened years ago. Anyway, I'll be wary. Right now I'm going to lounge by the pool.


I'm now by the sunbed, wearing my shades, outfit, and drinking a pina colada and eating a donut while we all have a good time. It's great to get a chance to catch the rays.

Suddenly, a shadow looms over my body.

"Well, if it isn't Will Riker!"

The alarm bells start ringing as I see the shape, figure and face of Lynne Shelloi. It's like the Enterprise going on to red alert.

"Errr...hello Lynne..." I stutter.

"Now don't be alarmed, Will." she laughs, "I'm not going to ravish you....unless you want me too! Deanna has been spreading a few untruths about me. Her ex-boyfriends used to say that she put therm off her, and came to me instead. you want a donut?"

My eyes light up when she gives me the donut. "I love them." she tells me, "I can see you do too. I bet Deanna tells you off and says something like they are too fattening. Well I say, you only live once, so enjoy it as much as possible."

I have to agree with her there.

"The Conference will be on for a good few hours yet." Lynne tells me, "Shall we go for a walk around until then?"

"Well...I" I say hesitantly.

"Go on." coaxes Lynne, "You're not shackled to Deanna awaiting her beck and call are you?"

"Certainly not!" I reply indignantly.

"Well, come on then,." Lynne says with a beaming smile, "Let's take that walk."

I get up, and we walk away, Lynne grabbing my hand to hold as we do.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing?

To be continued after the TWQ......

Saturday, October 29, 2011

TWQ: School Reunions

This weekend, we at TWQ (the Weekend Question) don our school ties and ask about reunions.

What are your experiences of School Reunions? Were they good or bad?

My answers are:

I recently went to a plaque unveiling in which many former pupils were there. I was amazed how much older those around my year looked!

Two younger students asked if I was their teacher!

Tonight (Saturday) I'm going to a massive school reunion.

Now it's over to you....

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The Betazoid Conference (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I pace up and down the hotel carpet floor over and over in the room that Will Riker and I are sharing.

"Relax, Deanna!" Will says, "There is no need to get so tense about everything!"

"You think so?" I exclaim, "We arrive on Faros V for the Betazoid Conference, and who should be here but my greatest rival Lynne Shelloi, who stole all my boyfriends when we were teenagers. She's after you, Will., and she'll get you, I know she will!"

"Now she won't!" Will answers firmly, "You've told me to be on my guard against Lynne Shelloi. She won't get her claws into me. Now you go to the Conference and have a good time while I relax."

I then realise how silly I am.

"You're right, I'm just overreacting after seeing my old rival." I say, "She's probably completely changed. We might end up being friends!"

"That's more like it, Deanna!" Will says, "Now go and enjoy the first Conference while I relax by the pool. Let's hear no more about Lynne Shelloi."

I put on my Conference outfit and get ready to go out.

"Now have a good time while I'm with the other telepaths." I say, then head off toiwards the hall.

As I reach the door, I am greeted by Lynne Shelloi.

"Hello again Deanna." she says in a friendly manner before changing her tone, "Enjoy the Conference. While you're in there, I'll be stealing your man Will Riker. You know I can, as well, don't you?"

The rush of people entering in the Hall prevents me coming out. The officials won't let me out again, as I see Lynne walk away casually in the direction of the hotel pool, where Will is.

To be continued after the TWQ.....

Monday, October 24, 2011

The Betazoid Conference (Part One)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

"Well I don't know why you want me along." protests Will Riker as we travel in a shuttle to Faros V, "After all, this is a Betazoid conference, strictly for members of your mother's race. Chances are I won't hear anything as you'll be talking in telepathy."

"You may well be right, Will." I reply, "But when it comes to the night time, after the conferences, this particular Betazoid isn't going to be stuck for something to do." I giggle saucily, and Will laughs along.

"NOW I know why I'm here." he smiles, "Quite a sound reason if you ask me. your mother going to be there?"

"Don't worry, Will." I reply, "My mother can't attend as she has to attend a wedding of a friend in another sector. She had to go to a spa to get her body in shape, as all weddings are conducted without clothes, even those who are guests."

Will sounds relieved. I can't say I blame him. It means we will have the conferences to ourselves, with no one interfering at night.

"When I was a teenager." I say, "My mother was always checking on my boyfriends. Not that I had them for very long."

"Why not." Will asks, "Did your mother drive them away?"

"No." I confess, "Most of the time, it was another teenage girl by the name of Lynne Shelloi. That girl always stole my boyfriends deliberately. I despised her."

"Forget about her. In that case, here's to a good time on Faros V!" he says, and we kiss.


A few hours later, we land, and are greeted by a Betazoid official.

"Welcome, welcome, Miss Troi." he says telepathically, in an overenthusiastic manner, "I'm sure you will have a great time at the conference." He then realises that Will cannot hear him and talks to him, "We also have plenty of non-conference activities for you, or you can lie by the pool in the sun."

"Well, well, well" says a familar voice in my head, one I had been dreading to hear for years, "If it isn't Deanna Troi!"

I turn round and see the predatory sight of Lynne Shelloi.

"Lynne.." I stutter.

"That's right." she responds telepathically, and looks at Will, " do have a hunk of a man...a non-Betazoid, too."

She then talks to Will.

"Hello, Will Riker." Lynne says, "I found your name by reading your mind. I'm Lynne Shelloi, and am the singer at these confedrences. Providing the entertainment. I'll be seeing a lot of you while I'm here, I'm sure. Bye for now, Deanna and Will."

She winks, and saunters off, doing a provactive walk.

"That woman is trouble." I tell Will.

To be continued...

Saturday, October 22, 2011

TWQ: Christmas Preparations

With a week left of October, thoughts are turning to Christmas. TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks just how much have you thought.

What have you done so far in preparation for Christmas? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Purchased Christmas cards

* Brought presents for overseas friends

*Brought DVD & books for myself

Now it's over to you....

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Secont Time Lucky? (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Karena

I'm being plagued by many, not least my own mother, who is Queen Diana, to get pregnant again, as my earlier daughter grew up overnight to a seventeen year old on Tarsus II in a device built by the Doolittles. As a result, she can now talk to animals and is Queen of the Jungle there. My mother, therefore needs another daughter that will eventally sit on her throne.

Wes and I are on our way to the USS Rhode Island SickBay to see Doctor Ted. He can be a bit annoying. Instead of having a liking for opera, such as other EMHs, this one has a bad sense of humour.

"Come in, come in, come in!" he cheerily says, "This is gonna be fun!"

"I would hardly say so!" I retort, giving him a prod with my spear, "Let's get this over."

"All right." Doctor Ted continues, "Lets go into separate rooms and take our clothes off. That doesn't include me of course!"

"Can't we change his programming, pumpkin?" I ask Wesley, "His sense of humour is already driving me spare."

"Just try and put up with him a little while longer, honeybunch." he replies, "All this will be over soon."

"Now then, Wesley." he says, as Wes goes into the other room, "We just need a sample from you. You know what that means? Nudge. Nudge"

Wesley reddens and closes the door, while I remove my clothes behind the screen. "Any leering and you'll find yourself deprogrammed for two months and adquatly replaced by a pop-up toaster! I warn Ted.

I come from behind and lay on the table, Ted managing to keep a straight face.

"Ahh......ummm......interesting." I muses to himself as he prods and takes scans all over.


A few minutes later, Wesley has returned and he and I are ready for his verdict.

Ted turns to Wesley, "The Crusher genes are as strong as ever. You're certainly not firing any blank cartridges down there!"

"Then why aren't I....?." I jump in.

"Who says you're not?" laughs Ted as he smiles at me, "You, Karena, are pregnant again with your second daughter. I know it's a girl because you amazons can only have them."

"But how far....?" I stutter, like someone who has been told something impossible."

"Oh, the date of conception is very recent." Ted answers, "Have you two being 'trying' a lot lately?"

"Yes." Wesley answers, "As soon as every shift ends, we go straight to our quarters and..."

"Wes!" I shout, "I'm sure Doctor Ted doesn't need to know every facet of our love life."

"Of course not." Ted answers, "But it's fun listening!"

I get up and take Wes out. "What's the hurry?" he asks.

"I've got something to tell that mother of mine!" I beam back with a smile.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Second Time Lucky? (Part One)


Guest Poster: Karena

It's been a little lonely on the USS Rhode Island, where my husband Wesley Crusher and I both serve.  Ever since our baby daughter Sheena grew up overnight from a tiny infant to a seventeen year old overnight who can talk to the animals as well as normally. As she elected to stay on the jungle planet, I've missed her over the last few months.

After all, diapers to seventeen, bypassing puberty isn't what I wanted. Some mothers might welcome it. Although my Wesley comforts me, I feel more at home sharpening my spear and winning at target practice.

Wesley enters the room, looking as cheery as ever.

"Hi sweetie." he says with his cheeriness, "Why are you looking so glum?"

"You know why." I say, "I miss my Sheena."

"We both are." he counters, "Well he HAVE been trying for another....and the trying IS fun, isn't it?"

"Yes." I admit, ""But so far, we haven't been successful. Maybe we should get you looked at?"

"There's nothing wrong with me!" exclaims Wesley, "The Crusher family are known for having..."

Before this continues, the sound goes to tell us there is a video signal coming in.

It's my mother, Queen Diana of the planet Wondawowman, planet of the Amazons.

"Greetings, daughter." she says with a smile, "It is so good to see you again, if only on a video screen. I'm calling on a matter of great importance."

"What is it?" I ask, thinking there must be a revolution at the palace there.

"You must have a baby!" my mother ueges, "Darling daughter, though Sheena was chosen to be future Queen of the Amazons, we can no longer be certain that she will she to be so. Right now, she is Queen of the Jungle on Tarsus II and will wish to remain so. You and Wesley must try for another so that Wondawowman has a leader in years to come. There could be a crisis otherwise."

"Mother." I say, reddening slightly, "Wes and I have err....being doing as you asked, but far no results."

"Well he'll have to do better!" my mother snaps, and switches off the viewer.

"I think we are going to have to see the Doctor." I tell Wes. We get up, and I grab my spear.

To be continued.....

Saturday, October 15, 2011

TWQ: Really Hard Questions

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks a series of really hard quiz questions. Don't try to look them up, but see how many you get right. I'll publish the answers in two or three days..

How many can YOU answer?

1: In Jules Verne's "from Earth to the Moon" 3 men are blasted to the moon by cannon. Their speed of departure has proven to be the earth's escape velocity. What is it?   7 miles a second

2: Why was the novel 'Fahrenheit 451' by Ray Bradbury so named? The temperature at which book paper burns.

3: What is the number of Fox Mulder's apartment in The X Files42

4: Will Smith played the part of Steven Hiller in the film 'Independence Day'. What was his codename? Eagle

5: What was Mickey Mouse's original name?  Mortimer Mouse

6: Acid rain is composed mainly of the oxides of two elements. Give either. suphere or nitrogen

7: What name is given to the negative electrode of an electrolytic cell? Cathode

8: In mythology what was Minerva the Goddess of?  Wisdom

9: Who invented the lift/elevator in 1853? Elisha Otis

10:Which country produces 70% of the world's olive oil?  Greece

Good Luck!

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Journal Under Attack! (Part Two)

Captain's supplemental:

I'm still angrily writing my Journal with a bit of paper and a pencil after my Journal was deleted by Starfleet robots who decreed that my writings were a Spam Journal. I've filled in the appeal, but have heard nothing yet.


"You've got to calm down, Captain." Deanna Troi urges me, "All the angry stomping around isn't doing you any good."

"It must be a plot by some rogue member of the Borg." I grumble, "Only they could come up with something like this."

"No need to get paranoid." the counselor tells me as she consumes her third chocolate milk shake, "It's just simple computer error that will be rectified as soon as possible."

"Your wouldn't if it was YOUR Journal!" I snap back, drumming my fingers.

Bev comes in and sighs when she looks at me.

"Is Jean-Luc still giving you problems?" she says to Deanna, "I tell you he's been impossible to live with the last few days. It's like a child has taken away his favourite toy."

I'm avbout to complain about Bev's remark, when my computer flashes on, with a myriad of lights and letters. When it finally settles down, a notice is visible...

Dear Mr Picard.

Your Starfleet Journal was removed from circulation some days ago as our robots incorrectly identified it as a spam journal. Upon further investigation, we have found that this is not the case and have restored it to the computer system. We do hope you realise that we need to be vigilant, and we apologise for any inconvenience that may have happened....

On the Journal (not a bit of paper)

"Well that turned out all right in the end." Deanna says in her cheery self, "Now you have your Journal back."

"Are you kidding?" I rertort, "They 'apologise for any inconvenience' while the Captain of a Galaxy-class starship has been deprived of his Journal for the past few days. We could have been invaded over the last few days and Starfleet would not have an official record of the event."

"But we weren't." answers Deanna, "Things have been very dull over the last few vdays. The most exciting thing was that Guinan had formulated a new cocktail for the crew to try in Ten Forward."

"That's not the point." I continue to moan as we three leave the room.

Still, it's good to have my Journal back!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Journal Under Attack! (Part One)

Now that my 1200th post has been written, I can go onwards. Time to discover new wonders of the universe, save the earth from certain doom and sort out the complicated love lives of my crew.

I must admit that composing this Journal is one of the perks of being a Captain. It providses a valuable record for others in the years to come of how enlightened we are  in the 24th century and how.......

Beeep!!!  Beeep!

ATTENTION: This Journal has been closed down as Starfleet automatic robots have deemed it a Spam Journal. Please reapply if you wish to have it reinstated otherwise we will disintegrate it for all time.


Captain's Supplemental:

I'm having to log this the old fashioned way; with a bit of scrap paper and a pencil.....

What's going on? How dare they call my Journal spam! I've won awards and put a lot of my own effort into it for the last six years!  I'll sue them,,,,I'll....


"What are you doing, Captain?" asks Deanna, who has just walked in, "Why are you banging your forehead against the table."

I tell her all that has happened.

"Never mind." the counselor cheerily says, "You can always borrow mine."

"I don't want to do that!" I snap back, "The Captain's Journal is for me to use, and not to be deleted by a machine who thinks it is spam!"

"Don't let it get to you." advises the Betazoid, "Just fill in the application details to get it reinstated, Wait patently, and it will all be restored."

I do as she asks and fill it out. Deanna takes a look at it first.

"Very good, Captain." she muses, as she looks over it, "However, I think you should withdraw the sentence that says "If I don't get my Journal back soon, I'm going to pull your tonsils out with my hand." It does sound a little threatening, don't you think?"

Regretfully, I do so.

"That's much better." Deanna says with a smile. "Now just send it off and all will be restored."

I press the button and submit the application for reinstatement.

I'd better not wait long!

To be continued.......

Saturday, October 08, 2011

TWQ: Regretted Buying

Now that we are back after that enforced deletion, TWQ (the Weekend Question) can get bavck to business. This week, we look at items you have regretted buying.

What items have you regretted buying? What did you do with them afterwards? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Inlaid wood chess/games table (exchanged the day after for a super writing desk)

* The Time Traveller's Wife novel. (lies somewhere in a box unfinished)

* Expensive computer course (never followed it)

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

1200th Post!!

Editors Note:

My apologies for being absent the last two weeks when the 1200th post was due to come on. Blogger robots incorrectly identified this Journal as a spam blog and deactivated it. I had to appeal to have it properly checked, and was only reinstated today. Without further ado...



Yes, after a huge amount of problems with alien invasions, but mainly witrh awkward people, this Journal has made it to it's 1200th post.

Don't ask me how it's made it. I would have thougfht it would fall over as soon as it started walking! (ho ho!)

Sorry about the humour, friends, but I had to have a little smile there.

"It wasn't exactly funny, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me, who is sitting next to me as I record this.

"Well, I don't know about that." I reply in defence.

"Don't be ridiculous," she laughs, "I've always been sharper and the one who has kept this Journal going. After all, who would want to listen to you if there wasn't a good-looking woman involved with the main character.?"

"I dispute that." I answer, "This is a record of my tenure as Captain of the Enterprise. The others are supporting players who...."

"That is negative." answer a soft female voice from the door. The Borg Queen, who was visiting, walks up to me.

"I agree with Beverly." Queenie comments, your Journal records require that you have a full-bloodied woman by your side. The only discepancy is that it should be me and not a redhead."

"Queenie!" snaps an indignant Bev, "Don't you have a Cube to catch?"

"In a few moments, my dear." she answers, "Clean out a few bedpans while I chat privately to Jean-Luc, here."

"Jean-Luc!" says another female voice from the door, "Are these two women leaving the room? I need to discuss when we can meet in a discreet place."

Natalia, the Deltan Ambassador, who is bald and has endless legs steps into view.

"The ship is just ferrying me to the next planet." she tells me, so I thought I would just have time to..."

I sigh.

"Who are you?" Queenie asks.

"I am Natalia, Captain Picard's Woman." she answers plainly.

"Well THAT is who I am!" the Borg Queen replies.

"You two can get to the back of the queue." Bev reminds them, "Jean-Luc will tell you that I am his Woman and always will be!"

The Video Screen comes on.

"Hiya Johnny!" Toots yells out, "I bribed a guard...don't ask give me some videotime so I can wish you a happy 1200th post. When you're ready to bust me out of the pen, send me a message in a cake, and we can go on the lam together."

I cringe and take a stress pill.

"Hey Johnny." Toots continues, "Who are the floozies with you? I recognise the redhead, but that metallic one ain't gonna win many guys, and the bald dame looks like she was on a Vegas street somewhere."

At this, a furious row row ensues between the four of them. I decide the best course of action is a tactical withdrawal to let them fight it out.

I quietly exit from the room, hearing high-pitched screaming behind me.

What happened to my intentions of putting together a milestone 1200th post?

Ah, well, better luck another time.


Editor's Note.

This marks the 1200th Post of Captain Picard's Journal. Many thanks to all those who have read over the years, and I have picked up along the way!

Monday, September 26, 2011

Jadzia & The Borg Queen Run The Ship (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

While I was commanding the ship during the 'graveyard shift', an irate Borg Queen decided to visit to complain about how Seven was treated. This triviality coincided with a complete power failure  on the Enterprise, with only a basic life support remaining. Queenie and I are sealed on the Bridge, and are the only ones who can possibly restore things to order.


"I wonder what happened?" I say to myself.

"More than likely someone put too many plugs in a power point." Queenie sarcastically comments, before sitting in the Captain's chair.

"What do you think you're doing?" I shout, "I'm the only member of Starfleet here, and therefore am senior to you. I'm sitting there!"

The Queen rolls her eyes and starts to explain slowly, as if to a naughty child.

"The Borg have assimilated many Starfleet personel in nthe past. Captains, Admirals, Engineers...and of course, Jean-Luc himself." she says, "As a result I can call from the Borg Hive Mind all I need to restore this ship."

I'm annoyed at her logic, and grudgingly I relinquish the seat, muttering a few choice comments about the Borg under my breath.

Queenie smiles as she sits in her seat of power.

"All right, Jadzia.", she orders, "Are there any computers that are working?"

"Only this one that monitors life support." I answer.

"Well convert it to a Power Grid Enhancer." Queenie dictates.

 "Will it affect Life Support?" I enquire.

"Probably not." Queenie muses, "But it will only be for a few moments."

I shake my head at her attitude, but carry on with her instructions. The screen continues until a REBOOT message flashes upon it.

"That's good." the Queen comments, as she walks up to me, "Just press return."

I do that and the screen starts on a 10-9-8-7 cycle.

"That's annoying." Queenie says to herself, and gives the screen a whack with her fist. It stops as it reaches 3. All the lights and computers come on, and the doors open. Captain Picard and the other senior staff walk through.

"What would have happened if the cycle had reached 0?" I quietly ask the Borg Queen.

"Oh, the ship would have exploded."  she answers casually, and goes over to hug the Captain in her flirty way, who thanks us both for rescuing the ship from the power outage.

I think I'll keep the information about the ship nearly exploding to myself!


Editor's Note:

The next post will be the 1200th Be there!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

TWQ: Would Not Do

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks if there are certain things you would not do.

What seemingly routine things would you absolutely refuse to do. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Eat any Indian food.

*Drink alcohol

*See anything with Ricky Gervais in it.

*Subscribe to Pay Per View

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Jadzia & The Borg Queen Run The Ship (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

This is a rare treat..

Having obtained Commander status, I have been given the opportunity to look after thship and run it from the Captain's chair during the graveyard shift, when most of the crew is sleeping.

All right, I know it's at a time no one else wants to do it, but out there in space, there is no such thing as day and night. We artificially create it here so that people can live naturally. I guess we've been lucky that we have most problems with aliens during the day period. I wonder why that is?

I look upon the video screen whie eating some potato chips; suddenly the sensors spring into life. A Borg Cube is upon us. I alert Captain Picard, who sounds very dozy. Inh the background, I hear Beverly Crusher complaining.

As I wait, a figure beams on to the Bridge,

"Now see here, Locutus.." the Borg Queen begins, "I've had a complaint from Seven that her consiousness isn't being given enough time to......where  is Jean-Luc?"

"He WAS sleeping until you turned up, Queenie." I tartly answer, "It is night here on the. I have woken him up and he'll be with you shortly. I'm Jadzia Dax, and am commanding the ship at this time."

The Borg Queen shrugs her shoulders. "Day and night is irrelevent." she states, "Out here in space, there is no such thing."

Suddenly the ship grinds to a halt. All the lights and computers go off.

"What's happened?" asks Queenie.

"I don't know." I reply, "From what I can tell, there is a systems breakdown with only Life Support functioning. Communications are down, doors cannot be opened, and there is no way to control the ship, except perhaps in here, once we get things sorted out.

"Then that means...." Queenie trials...

"Yes...only we can fix the ship."

Groan. I could have done with a better helper than the Borg Queen!

To be continued after the TWQ.........