1200th Post!!

Editors Note:

My apologies for being absent the last two weeks when the 1200th post was due to come on. Blogger robots incorrectly identified this Journal as a spam blog and deactivated it. I had to appeal to have it properly checked, and was only reinstated today. Without further ado...

-----------------


Phew!

Yes, after a huge amount of problems with alien invasions, but mainly witrh awkward people, this Journal has made it to it's 1200th post.

Don't ask me how it's made it. I would have thougfht it would fall over as soon as it started walking! (ho ho!)

Sorry about the humour, friends, but I had to have a little smile there.

"It wasn't exactly funny, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me, who is sitting next to me as I record this.



"Well, I don't know about that." I reply in defence.

"Don't be ridiculous," she laughs, "I've always been sharper and the one who has kept this Journal going. After all, who would want to listen to you if there wasn't a good-looking woman involved with the main character.?"

"I dispute that." I answer, "This is a record of my tenure as Captain of the Enterprise. The others are supporting players who...."

"That is negative." answer a soft female voice from the door. The Borg Queen, who was visiting, walks up to me.



"I agree with Beverly." Queenie comments, your Journal records require that you have a full-bloodied woman by your side. The only discepancy is that it should be me and not a redhead."

"Queenie!" snaps an indignant Bev, "Don't you have a Cube to catch?"

"In a few moments, my dear." she answers, "Clean out a few bedpans while I chat privately to Jean-Luc, here."

"Jean-Luc!" says another female voice from the door, "Are these two women leaving the room? I need to discuss when we can meet in a discreet place."



Natalia, the Deltan Ambassador, who is bald and has endless legs steps into view.

"The ship is just ferrying me to the next planet." she tells me, so I thought I would just have time to..."

I sigh.

"Who are you?" Queenie asks.

"I am Natalia, Captain Picard's Woman." she answers plainly.

"Well THAT is who I am!" the Borg Queen replies.

"You two can get to the back of the queue." Bev reminds them, "Jean-Luc will tell you that I am his Woman and always will be!"

The Video Screen comes on.



"Hiya Johnny!" Toots yells out, "I bribed a guard...don't ask how..to give me some videotime so I can wish you a happy 1200th post. When you're ready to bust me out of the pen, send me a message in a cake, and we can go on the lam together."

I cringe and take a stress pill.

"Hey Johnny." Toots continues, "Who are the floozies with you? I recognise the redhead, but that metallic one ain't gonna win many guys, and the bald dame looks like she was on a Vegas street somewhere."

At this, a furious row row ensues between the four of them. I decide the best course of action is a tactical withdrawal to let them fight it out.

I quietly exit from the room, hearing high-pitched screaming behind me.

What happened to my intentions of putting together a milestone 1200th post?

Ah, well, better luck another time.

----------------------

Editor's Note.

This marks the 1200th Post of Captain Picard's Journal. Many thanks to all those who have read over the years, and I have picked up along the way!

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Four)

With Starbase VI almost within sensor range, I will be able to breathe a sigh of relief as we drop off the man-hungry Natalia. Though she is married, and Ensign Britney's mother, she believes in 'open' relationships, so she and her husband Yul go off and seek 'other interests'. Natalia clearly has her sights set on mt, but Bev and Britney have been able to prevent any problems happening.

------------

Ambassador Natalia and I are on the Bridge, as we see Starbase VI drawing dear.



"We shall be docking with Starbase VI in one hour." Data informs us with his usual I-speak-your-weight-machine tone. He would have had a good second career as the voice of them.

"It's been a delight seeing my daughter and you, Jean-Luc." Natalia breezily replies, I'd better head down to the beam-off point. Britney has collected all my items and will be waiting for me."

"In that case, Natalia." I say in my best diplomatic voice, "I'll escort you down to the Trtansporter Room."

We get in the TurboLift and order it to go to Deck 10. Only then do I realise what I've done.

"Halt TurboLift!" Natalia shouts out, and turs to me, "Now, Captain, I believe we have some unfinished business..."

Despite me commanding the lift to move, it refuses to answer my orders.

"I know a little about electronics." explains Natalia, "I had the voice codes for the Turbolifts altered so that my voice overrides the commands of all the others. Now then, Jean-Luc. There are no red headed doctors or bald daughters who try to stop us getting together..."

"I don't think that's wise, Natalia.." I try to say...



"Jean-Luc." she says seductively, "I'm a woman with needs. Us Deltan women are well known for our love of passionate pursuits. I have the ability to seduce anyone. Just fifteen minutes in this lift with me and you will forget Beverly Crusher ever existed..."

Natalia starts to unzip her suit, as I find myself more and more hypnotised by her exotic beauty....

Suddenly the lift starts moving, to Natalia's surprise, and we arrive at Deck 10. Beverly is there, waiting for us. She smiles at me, and Natalia huffily marches Bev to the Transporter Room..

"What hasppened, Beverly?" I ask.,

"Luckily I know a lot more about Enterprise technology than she does", Bev tells me, "I programmed my voice to supersede Natalia's voice, should it appear, after a few moments."

"I think you saved me there,." I confess, "Natalia has some hypnotic technique.."

"I've heard about it." she tells, "Perhaps you ought to be wearing dark glasses if she ever appears again."

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Now that Captain Picard has been recued from the attentions of my overly-amorous mother Natalia, she, my girlfriend T'Pol and I are heading for a drink at Ten Forward before we arrive at the Starbase to drop my mother off.

-------

Guinan serves us the three drinks that we ask for, and we start to chat.

"Mother." I say, "You must really stop being so forward with Captain Picard. He has Doctor Crusher, and you are married to my father!"



My mother takes a drink and laughs, obviously aware that all the male crewmembers in Ten Forward are stealing glances of her endless legs and short white minidress.

"I must say, Britney." my mother chuckles, "For a rebel daughter and a Deltan, you are remarkably strait-laced. I would have thought you would be like me, having a very open relationship with my husband, but free to explore 'other' options whenever possible."



"It's not like that with me and T'Pol." I say firmly, "We've always been in love and hope to get married sometime."

"Oh really?" my mother says, "Well that will be the first monogamous relationship that has occurred involving a Deltan. I remember when me and your father Yul went to a Party. We picked names out of a hat and then....."

"Mother!" ?I shout, "You're embarrassing T'Pol!"



I see the red-faced image of my sweetie sitting next to me.

"It's okay, Brit." she says, "No matter how unusual Deltans are in their behaviour, I know that you and I are together for keeps."

We kiss, and my mother smiles.

"Well that's all right then." says my mom. Then she gets up,  "I really must get along. I can see that the Starbase is almost here. I'll want to say goodbye to all...especially Jean-Luc."

My mother winks at us and goes out of Ten Forward.

"Come on, sweet sistah." I quickly say, "One opportunity, and my mother will have the Captain in her clutches."

To be continued.......

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

With the arrival of Ambassador Natalia on the Enterprise, things are a little tense. She is Ensign Britney's mother who is attracted to Jean-Luc. Though she is married to Yul, they both believe in 'open' relationships, which is trouble for anyone else. Natalia has already started as soon as she beamed on, by making straight for the Captain and kissing him in front of everyone, including her own daughter!

-----------

"Isn't Ambassador Yul with you, Natalia?" I ask sharply, as soon as Jean-Luc manages to prise himself away from her.

"No, Beverly, he isn't." Natalia answers, "While you are taking me to Starbase VI, he has decided to take his young female secretary Valeria on a trip to the beach planet of Paradiso. I'm sure they will have a lovely time."

She grabs a bewildered Jean-Luc's arm after saying a brief hello to Britney and T'Pol, saying she will chat with them later.

We follow the two of them to the Captain's Ready Room. I am about to enter when Natalia starts to close the door in my face.



"Sorry, Doctor." Natalia says to me, "Jean-Luc and I need to go over some official business. Captain to Ambassador matters, I'm sure you understand."

The door promptly slams shut and all I can think of is Jean-Luc at the mercy of those endless legs, that white mini-dress and a gorgeous body.



"Beverly!" exclaims Britney, as she run up to the door with T'Pol, "You've got to stop it. My mother will try and have her way with....."

"Easy, Brit." T'Pol tells her, "I'm sure Captain Picard will be able to resist your mother's charms."

"What if he can't?" protests Britney, "Mother!!! Put your clothes back on and come out of there!"

------------

Nearly an hour later, Natalia comes out of the Ready Room, and adjusts her dress slightly.

"Wel, that WAS fun, Jean-Luc!" she says to him, "We'll have to do that again sometime. Hello Britney, hello T'Pol. Shall we go for a drink in Ten Forward?"

"Mother!" Britney exclaims, "What have you and Captain Picard been doing in the Ready Room?"

"Just chatting, dear daughter." Natalia laughs, "I pretended to adjust my dress just to tease you all. If I WAS going to seduce Jean-Luc, it would have been in a better place than that cramped Ready Room."

We all laugh at this, including an embarassed Jean-Luc. Natalia comes up to me.

"And I would have succeeded, Beverly." she whispers, "No man can resist me."

"Unless when they have me with them, Natalia." I whisper back, and grab Jean-Luc's arm and take him down the corridor while Natalia, Britney and T'Pol head towards Ten Forward.

To be continued after the TWQ........

Jean-Luc And Natalia (Part One)

I am relaxing in my Ready Room, drinking my Earl Grey, and dunking a chocolate biscuit into it when I get a call on the videoscreen from Admiral Johnson.

"Captain Picard." he starts, "The Enterprise will be expecting a visit from a Federation Ambassador shortly. Please show her the usual starship hospitality and escort her to Starbase VI where she is due to be present at an Ambassadorialk meeting,"

"Certainly, sir." I reply, "Do I know the Ambassador?"

"I believe you do." he answers, "She is Ambassador Natalia from the planet Delta, and the mother of your Ensign Britney."

I choke at this information, and my chocolate biscuit disappears into my Earl Grey.

"Are you all right, Picard?" asks the Admiral, "Your face seems to have gone green."

"Err..I'm fine, sir." I quickly say, "We'll pick her up at the co-ordinates you have relayed."

After I switch the videoviewer off, I call Bev to get in here quickly.



"What is it, Jean-Luc?" Bev asks, "You look like you've found out your Earl Grey was a cheap version."

"It's not that." I answer, "We've got to take Natalia to Starbase VI?"

"Britney's mother?" Bev exclaims, "That man-magnet who tried to seduce you last time you saw her?"

"The very same." I grudgingly admit, "Stay close to me, Bev, otherwise she'll have me pinned against a wall in a lip-lock the first chance she can."

I summon Ensign Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol to tell them who is coming.



"My mother?" Britney says, "You were caugfht in a compromising position with her last time, Captain."

"Britney." I try to answer, "You know that despiute the fact that your mother is married to Ambassador Yul, she believes in a 'live and let live' relationship, so she tried to err...get to know me."

"It's true, sweetie." T'Pol tells her, "Your mother is very much the outgoing type."

"Whatever." Britney answers, "Just don't let her...."

"Don't worry." Bev assures her, "I won't."

-----------

A few hours later, we are at the rendezvous point. We are all in the Transporter Room.

Natalia beams on.



"Ambassador Natalia." I start, "Welcome to...."

"Jean-Luc!" she exclaims, "I have SO been looking forward to seeing you again!"

Without looking at anyone else, including her daughter, she walks up to me and kisses me on the lips.

Britney and Bev both look disgusted. The next few days are going to be tough!

To be continued......

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Six)

Now all the diplomatic problems on Ensign Britney's home planet of Delta have been sorted out, and I have got out of that awkward situation with Natalia, we are all ready to return to the Enterprise. T'Pol has met Britney's parents.

There is still one awkward problem.

As we have to say goodbye to the Ambassadors Yul and Natalia, there is the risk that something might happen when Bev collects us. As Natalia is so forward, anything could happen.

----------

The shuttlecraft touches down and Bev emerges. It's good to see her again.



"Jean-Luc!" she calls enthusiastically, and kisses me firmly, "It's so good to see you again."

Bev then whispers quietly in my ear, "There's lots more of that for you when we get back on board."

I try to look as pleased as possible, but can hear the twin footsteps of Yul and Natalia approaching.



Natalia sits down and reveals her long legs. She has decided to wear that short white dress again when she tried to seduce me the other night.

"Ambassador Natalia." Bev says somewhat icily, looking at her shapely figure.

"Doctor Crusher." replies Natalia, "We have being showing your Captain EVERY hospitality while he has been here. It will be sad to see him go."

Natalia really skates around her words; the emphasis on every that she used is not lost on Bev. The beads of sweat on my brow start to increase.

"Oh, really." Bev comments, "Well that's what I'll be doing from now on."

Bev grabs my arm, and the two of us get on the shuttle, along with Britney and T'Pol.

--------------

Once back on the Enterprise, Bev and I are walking along the corridors together.

"Ambassador Natalia was very beautiful, don't you think, Jean-Luc." she asks.

This is like a hand grenade thrown in. I know there is only one way out.

"Yes she was." I reply, "In fact she tried to seduce me on one night, but I turned her down, saying I had someone else."

Bev smiles.

"Well said, Jean-Luc." she laughs, "I pressed Britney and T'Pol to tell me the truth and that's what they said. Britnery even said how amorous Natalia is. You did well to survive."

I did indeed, especially from Bev!

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Five)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Now that Brit and I have sorted out the problem Captain Picard had with Brit's mother Natalia, who tried to seduce him while we were all on her home planet of Delta, I have a problem of my own to face.

Britney's parents, Ambassadors Yul and Natalia have invited their daughter and me for a dinner party. Doubtless it's a 'getting to know you' event, and they want to find out all about me.

-----------

"Relax, sugar." Brit tells me as we prepare for the dinner, "They'll love you. Say, what do you think of this?"



"It looks great on you, honey." I reply, "But it's hardly dinner-party wear. Do you think you ought to look a little formal?"

"Nah." she laughs, "They love little old me just the way I am. I'll take the wig off, though. Mom and Dad like to see me as Deltans look.

I choose a more sober black outfit, and we set off in the direction of the Ambassadors' apartments.

"Mom! Dad!" shouts Britney as we go in, as Natalia and Yul hug her, and warmly say hello.

"I know we've met, T'Pol." Natalia says, "But I hope with this little dinner we can all be friends."

"Quite so." Yul pipes up from behind, "Britney, we have had the finest chefs prepare your favourite meal this evening...Deltan sea bass together with potato fragments."

"Yay!" Brit yells, "Fish and chips."

We all settle down, and Britney eats her food at a rate of knots. As she does, I feel the eyes of her parents turn round to me...here it comes....



"So, T'Pol." Natalia asks, "My daughter mentioned that you're over two hundred years old and from a parallel universe?"

"Err...yes." I reply, "I escaped from Captain Jonathan Archer in the 22nd century and went into suspended animation until the Enterprise woke me up."



"It was then you met Britney?" Yul chimes in.

"Err right..." I say, making sure I don't trip up and say the wrong thing, "Yes, that's right. Theb universe I came from was bent on galactic domination. I tried to return with Britney once,, but found they saw me as a fugitive. I realised that she and I were better off in this world."

I wonder if I said too much, but look at Brit, who winks at me and eats another chip.

"You and my daughter managed to get banned out of most of the nightclubs in the galaxy." Natalia asks, "That's quite a feat."

I'm a little stuck now, as I don't know how they want me to answer.



"Err..yes." I continue, "Britney and I are very much alike like that. We believe in enjoying ourselves."

A big smile appears on Natalia's face.

"I'm sure you both do, T'Pol." she says with a laugh, "When I was young, I only managed to get banned from half the nightclubs in the galaxy! Keep on going. You two are good together."

I heave a sigh of relief. It seems like I've been 'approved' by Britney's parents. As the whole family is so unorthodox, I should have realised nothing on Delta is like it is anywhere else!

-------------

"There you go, sistah." says Brit as we head back to our apartment, "I told you it would be a breeze. It will be time to head back to the Enterprise tomorrow."

We meet Captain Picard on the way back, who has a worried frown. Actually he tends to most times. He informs us that Doctor Crusher will be meeting us to take us back.

Normally the Captain would be pleased at that, but I think he is concerned in case Natalia shows up at the same time!

To be continued...

--------------

Editor's Note:

The memes featured each week are now on my new blog Captain Picard's Meme Holdeck

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Three)

I came to Ensign Britney's home planet of Delta with her and T'Pol so that I could avert a diplomatic crisis on her planet, and it looks like I've walked into another!

While Britney was introducing her parents, it became quite clear that Natalia, her mother, was very attacted to me.

Now how do I get out of this?

-----------------

I'm sitting in the room that has been assigned to me on Delta, talking to Riker on the ComLink

"Britney and T'Pol have gone out for a night on the town. It looks like the problem that I came to solve has been averted, Number One." I tell him, "I think they just wanted me to show up and say a few words. Yul and Natalia will carry everything out, although I think Natalia was just looking at me. The problem is.."

I get a knock on the door, tell Riker I have to go and say "Come in."



"Jean-Luc." says Natalia, "May I see you?"

Before I can say that it might not be a very appropriate thing to do, the door is closed and she is in.

"Err...Ambassador.." I stutter.

"This is no place for formalities, Jean-Luc" she tells me, "I'm Natalia. I notice you had been avoiding me. Do you not think I am a beautiful woman."

I must admit she is stunning, but regain my composure.

"Err...yes, of course, Natalia." I tell her, "But you're a married woman. What about Yul?"

"Do you not know the Deltan philosophy, Jean-Luc?" she tells me, "It's live and let live. All marriages on this world are very open. We all live the way we want to, and naturally raised our daughter to be self expressive and to do whatever she wishes."

That explains a lot about Ensign Britney, her lifestyle and why she's in the brig so often!

"Your baldness is most desirable, Jean-Luc." Natalia says softly, "It makes me feel very...."

"I have a female friend on the Enterprise." I say quickly, "Bev and I...."

"No matter." Natalia smiles, "You can have both her and me...live and let live."

She starts to unzip the white minidress she is wearing; it looks like I've ran out of excuses!

Suddenly, there is a swift knock, and Britney, who is holding on to T'Pol while carrying a bottle of Saurean Brandy puts her head round the door.



"Goodnight Capt...." she starts, then looks at the barely clothed Natalia, "What are you doing with my mother?"

"I was just leaving, Britney." smiles Natalia, "Goodnight, Jean-Luc."

The Deltan Ambassador zips up her white minidress again and walks out as a stunned Ensign Britney and T'Pol look on.

Now what do I do?

To be continued after the TWQ...

Ensign Britney's Parents (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

This is great! Me and my soulsistah T'Pol are in a shuttlecraft on the way to my home planet of Delta. I wanted to introduce her to my parents.

The only drag is that we've got Captain Picard in the shuttle with us. There's some sort of diplomatic problem for him to sort out. We'll let him do that while the two of us go out and enjoy ourselves and chat to my parents.

-----------

"It looks like we are nearly there." says the Captain, and turns to me, "I shall have to talk to your parents about the problem."

"Why's that?" I say, "What's it to do with them?"

"Did you not know that both your parents have assumed Ambassadorial roles in Starfleet?" he asks, "They need me to mediate a problem between Delta and the Federation."

I groan. How boring!

I go and change into the new outfit I bought for the trip.



"What do you think of this, sistah." I ask T'Pol, "Doesn't it look cool."

"Sure does, Brit, honey." she replies. The Captain just winces.

We land on Delta, and I see the familar figures of my parents approach.



"Hi, dad." I cheerily say, "Wonderful to see you again. This is my sweetie, T'Pol, and this is Captain Picard.. Captain, this is my father, Yul."

"Pleased to meet you, Ambassador Yul." replies the Captain.

"Likewise." my father replies, "Britney, you don't need to wear a wig. Nor do you, T'Pol."

"Err...it's my own hair, Ambassador." T'Pol nervously mentions.

"My apologies." he answers, "Please call me Yul. This is my wife Natalia.



"Hi mom." I say enthusiastically, "This is T'Pol and this is..."

"Yes, I know." she says, hardly listening. All she is staring at is the bald head of Captain Picard.

"Ambassador Natalia." says the Captain.

"Please call me Natalia." she says, "Britney, I had no idea that your Captain looked so...stunning."

The Captain looks taken aback and panic stricken. The alarm bells start ringing in me as well. Is my mother falling for Captain Picard?

To be continued......

-----------------

Editor's Note:

IMPORTANT: The Meme that usually shows up at this time has been moved to my new blog Captain Picard's Meme Holodeck. Be sure to take a look!