Thursday, September 29, 2005

Talent Night

It's Talent Night.

The crew are gathered to see the senior staff make fools of themselves entertain them.

First up is Worf. He's here to sing a Klingon ballad.

"Kahless walks the desert plains,
In pursuit of his only love.
Through fire and storms,
The river torrents,
Help will come from far above.

Shine on me in my lonesome quest,
Let my journey succeed to set her free.
Through the perils,
The dangerous waters,
May my love be there for me."

There are a few half-hearted claps as Worf files off.

Deanna comes in and does a mind-reading act.

She makes a mess of it as she is wearing a revealing stage outfit. She can't mention the only think a lot of the crew are thinking about.

She gets a lot of cheers from the male members of the audience, while the women don't do anything.

Riker is on next. He fronts a band with his trombone. It tends to go flat a few times.

A few more half-hearted ripples of applause.

Data comes on and does a comedy act.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?."

Picard: There are four lights!

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by an kind of combustion- propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of...yes, sir.

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with women than I do.

Worf: KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be something wrong with the universe.
Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal whootchacallit on the computers and...

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't be able to comprehend the answer.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

The Borg: Crossing the road is irrelevant. The chicken will be assimilated.

The crew have a good laugh.

I think I need to have a talk with Mr Data; his sense of humour chip is defective again.

Beverly is next. She does a tap dancing session with a top hat, tails and stick; she almost falls over a couple of times but staggers on until the end.

She limps off to muted applause.

Geordi is next up. He sings with a band the latest record 'Federation Boogie'.

Everyone likes that one.

Now it's my turn. All the staff turn to look at me.

Wearing a tuxedo, I get the microphone and start singing....a song from the 20th Century...'Dancing With The Captain'.

Do do do do do do do do
Do do do do do do do
It was full steam ahead

Destination unknown

I asked our position
The crew didn't know
They were all jiggin' up in the riggin'
'Cos the captain loves to rock and roll

I looked out to sea
there was no land in sight
The ship kept on sailin' right into the night
Ev'ryone cheerin' nobody steerin'
But we seemed to be doin' all right

Ev'rybody was dancing with the captain
Ev'rybody was dancing with the captain
Just look at them dancing with the captain
Well we all had fun the whole night long
And the ship sailed on

Pretty soon the captain was out of control
He said "This here's the plaice if you go the sole"
Keep on cruisin' let's have the music
Your captain loves to rock and roll

Ev'rybody was dancing with the captain

There was raptuous applause.

I think the morale was raised!

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Morale Boosting

Today, we're having a meeting about how to boost the flagging morale of the crew.

"They need to be told to be efficient!" says Worf.

"That doesn't achieve the objective, Mr Worf." I say, "The crew will work a lot better when they are happy."

"Then they need to be ordered to be happy." he replies.

"I think they need some entertainment." suggests Deanna.

"That's an excellent idea; what do you suggest?"

"Er...I'm not sure, Captain."

"What about The Dregs?" says Geordi.

"Who are they?" I reply.

"The newest international rock band in the Federation. They play heavy metal at 200 decibels."
"We want to entertain the crew, Mr La Forge, not turn them all stone deaf."

"How about Christina Spears, the teen pop sensation?" asks Beverly.

"Is she the 19 year old singer who has married 4 times?"

"Yes, she's very popular."

"I don't think that's possible." Data says, "As she is on tour in a distant part of the galaxy?"

"Can we not do a holographic concert by her."

"It's hardly the same thing, Captain. The crew will want the real thing." Deanna tells me.

"What about a Talent Night?" suggests Riker.

"What do you mean, Number One?"

"Well, the senior staff could all come and entertain the crew with their various skills. I'm sure it would be highly entertaining."

All of the others agree enthusiastically. I can see a problem here.

"Err, surely the Captain wouldn't need to take part, would he?" I ask.

"But you'd have to," says Deanna, "It would be the highpoint of the show."

I reluctantly agree to the show; it looks like I've got to find a talent.


I have been cruelly Klukked by Tigerlily Lounge and must reveal 5 things about myself.

1: I am left handed.

2: I live in Birmingham, England.

3: I am a great lover of cheese, especially mature.

4: I love Harley Davidsons, although I cannot ride a motorbike.

5: I happen to like spiders and snakes.

I hereby Klukk MommaK of Petroville

Apologies..someone has to do it!

Monday, September 26, 2005

Data's Day


Today, I have decided to compose a record of my day.

07:00 : My internal alarm wakes me up ready for the new day.

First of all, Spot is restless around my quarters, demanding that she is fed. I go to the replicator and ask for Feline Sustinence Number 24. This provides an all-round balance for any cat. If Spot has been good, she gets Feline Sustinence Number 27.

She rarely receives this.

Unfortunately, Spot has acquired a bad reputation amongst my friends, and they are somewhat reluctant to look after her when I go on an Away Mission.

07:15: I head towards the Bridge as my duty shift is due to begin at 07:30.

07:45: Commander Riker reactivates me in the garbage container. Somebody has been quietly walking behind me and switching me off. I am then thrown down the garbage chute. It seems it may be one of the children of the crew. Commander Riker tells me that as I am so punctual, that if I am late at all, they will always know the garbage container is where I'll be.

We spend all morning studing a cluster. This is very fascinating, and suggest we probe further. Captain Picard and Commander Riker are looking a little bored, and quickly inform me that they think we have seen enough.

12:00: Break time. I spend some time in Ten Forward; Guinan serves me a drink. The new recruit, a young female human named Ensign Jennifer Baxter sits next to me and starts talking to me.

"Is it true you're fully functioning, Data?" she says in an odd voice that emphasises 'fully'.

"Err...yes, Ensign Baxter."

"I'll have to remember that." she replies.

Guinan walks away, giggling loudly.

I wonder what that was all about?

13:00: I go down to Engineering to see Geordi. It is time for my weekly diagnostic. Geordi calls it my 'oil change', although I can't see why. There is no oil involved at all.

"Well, Data, it seems you're still ticking well."

I tell him about the incident this morning with the garbage container.

"Err....yes, Data, there are some bad people around. Ummmm, I wonder who it could be?"

Geordi seems very hesitant for some reason.

16:00: My duty shift has ended for the moment, and I go to the holodeck. I don my Sherlock Holmes outfit on and decide to pursue Moriaty through the London docks. Geordi records my exploits, as he is dressed as Doctor Watson. Naturally I win, as I programmed the simulation.

20:00: I am on my way to the Bridge for the night shift. On the way, I see Ensign Baxter; she must have an eye afflication, as she winks at me when she passes.

I am now sitting in the Captain's chair while the other senior staff are sleeping. Commander Riker calls this period if duty 'the Graveyard Shift', although there are no dead bodies around.

04:00: The day is ended; I deactivate myself, with an alarm in place for the next day.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

TWQ: The Worst Films

The Weekend Question (TWQ) is a reversal of an earlier question. This time, I'm asking you to name the five most awful films you have ever seen. Say a little about each one and who was in them.

Here are mine:

1: The Magic Christian starring Peter Sellars & Ringo Starr. This was a mish mash of a plot made at a time when no one seemed to have an idea of filmmaking. It's truly excrutiating.

2: Twister starring Helen Hunt, Bill Paxton Natural disaster movies have never appealed to me. This one was the worst, with cardboard characters and a flimsy plot. I was rooting for the twister to take the entire cast and whisk them away.

3: Mission Impossible II starring Tom Cruise. I thought 'Mission Impossible' was about a team working together to solve a problem. This was just one big ego-trip for Cruise to do it all himself. I only watched about half an hour of it. The movie was that bad.

4: Good Will Hunting starring Matt Damon Ben Affleck, Robin Williams. Why this film did well at the Oscars is a puzzle to me. The characters are unlikeable and the film is full of f-words. I was waiting for it to get better. It never did.

5: The War Of The Worlds (2005) Starring Tom Cruise. Another Cruise film. Directed by Spielburg, I was surprised he made such a bad movie. I saw this as I thought it might be good. The only parts of the film were when Cruise wasn't in it. Unfortunately, he was in it 98% of the time. See the 1953 original version instead, for a classic story.

Now it's over to you....

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Planning The Party

Today, the senior staff are having one of the most urgent meetings of the year.

We're planning the Enterprise Christmas Party.

Riker asks, "Which band shall we have playing there?"

"How about Sid Starr and The Starrlighters?" suggests Data.

"No way!" replies Geordi, "They are really old fashioned. I think Sid was leading that orchestra when Guinan was young,,,and she's 600 years old!"

"We want someone a little more groovy and up to date." Deanna says, "How about The Flesheaters?"

"Who are they?" I enquire.

"They're an earsplitting heavy metal rock band from the planet Saurus. They used to er, eat things during the act, but they have toned that down now."

"I don't think that's what we're looking for, Deanna" I say to her, "We want a relaxed party, where people can enjoy themselves. Don't forget everybody in the Guest Quarters, as well as the regular personal.I'll pencil Sid in for the moment, but I'll look elsewhere. Now what about food?"

"We need to have plenty of Klingon food." Worf declares immediately.

"Aren't you the only Klingon?" I ask.

"Err, yes, Captain"

"I'll get a small supply of Bahgol, Gagh, Gladst and Bloodwine. Is that alright?"

"Yes, Captain. I'll need Rokeg Blood Pie as well, though."

I say alright and ask about other suggestions.

"Romulan Ale"
"Bajoran Brandy"
"Hasperat Souffle"
"Utterberry Crepe,"
"Aldorian Ale"
"Lots of chocolate."
"I'Danian Spice Pudding."
"Plomeek Soup."
"Jumbo Mollusc"
"Cihicken Tetrazini"
"Yamok Sauce"
"Jumja Tea"
"Dom Perignon champagne"
"Pecan Pie"
"Ice cream..all flavours"
"Pipius Claw"

Whew! All these dishes and drinks will keep the stockroom full or the replicator going until it runs out.

"Meeting closed for now." say, 'We'll reconvene another time."

As we leave, Beverly asks me a quiet question, away from everyone else.

"Jean-Luc, have you thought about who you will be having the important First Dance with?"

"There are some in the Guest Quarters who have asked me, Beverly."

"Well, don't forget me, Jean-Luc." she says softly, as she leaves the room.

I may have a diplomatic problem when the Party takes place.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Ferengi Information

Every day seems to be getting worse in the SickBay.

The holographic doctor struts around giving out his orders. Everyone there is afraid to challenge him, as he threatens to call HUD (the Holographic Union Of Doctors).

Beverly is simmering, as if ready to explode at any time. She is biding her time, though, as she thinks the tide will turn.

When that happens, I pity the EMH!

Starfleet are still thinking of a way to help us; the EMH will be able to detect any attempts we make. If we try, Hud will be on board right away. We can't even have any staff meetings to discuss the problem. The EMH has a clause to be present at ALL meetings.

Data tells me I have message from Admiral Dexter on an Encrypted Channel.

I talk to Dexter, who seems pleased.

"Jean-Luc", he says, "I think I have something here that may be able to help you."

I smile when I see the information.

"Thank you, Admiral, I think this will be very useful."

I visit the SickBay, where the EMH is telling Beverly off for not cleaning the beds properly.

"Could I chat to you, Doctor?" I casually ask the EMH.

"Of course" he replies, "Though I do have some opera practise shortly."

"I don't think you have time for that, Doctor. Your Ferengi friends have sold you out"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that when we arrested the Ferengi, they were keen on getting a reduced sentence, and told us that you bribed them with Federation Latinum to steal the Enterprise, then you would try to rescue it and look good in front of everybody."

He looks flustered.

"You can't accuse me...HUD will defend me."

"No they won't. After they saw they proof of the transactions, you were thrown out of HUD for giving holograms a bad name."

"So what will you do?" he says with a defeated air.

"Well, you can either go to the holographic prison for life, be re-programmed, or stay here doing very menial jobs, only needed as a last resort."

Sadly he says, "I'll stay here, Captain Picard."

He goes off to sweep the floors.

Beverly comes over, smiling brightly.

"Thank you, Jean-Luc" she says softly. She kisses me on the cheek.

It's good to have things running normally again.

Monday, September 19, 2005

My First Day As An Equal


At last! Today is my first day as an equal member of the crew. Now that I am, there will be some changes taking place.

I think I shall have opera playing throughout the SickBay. After all it is so soothing for the patients.


Dr Crusher marches in and kicks me off the chair.

"Don't you forget that I am the senior doctor here. You were sitting on my chair as if you were actually important. Now get over there and look at some medical records."

She will have to be the first thing to go. I think I should report her to HUD for abuse of a hologram. Employees can't be treated like that.

I wonder if I can get her demoted to a nurse?

The way I get trea....hold on a moment...

Je vous parle d`un temps
Que les moins de vingt ans
Ne peuvent pas connaître
Montmartre en ce temps-là
Accrochait ses lilas
Jusque sous nos fenêtres
Et si l`humble garniQui nous servait de nid
Ne payait pas de mine
C`est là qu`on s`est connu
Moi qui criait famine
Et toi qui posais nue

La bohème, la bohème
Ça voulait dire : On est heureux
La bohème, la bohème
Nous ne mangions qu`un jour sur deux

Sorry about that...I just felt the urge to sing 'La Boheme'. I hope you enjoyed it as well.

"What was that awful racket?" says Dr Crusher.

Obviously, the woman has no taste.

Well now that I'm an equal member, I shall be insisting that Captain Picard has me on all consultations. After all, how will the ship run without me.

While I am on these important discussions, Dr Crusher can help out with menial jobs in SickBay.

My status was no doubt increased when the Ferengi hijacked the Enterprise. Fortunately, no one knows that I paid them to do that, then double crossed them, ensuring the Ferengi were arrested.

Who says holograms aren't smart?

Saturday, September 17, 2005

TWQ: The Burning House

This week's TWQ involves some decisions you may have to make in a hurry; let's hope you never do.

Not counting relatives and pets, what five things would you rescue from your burning house first?

Here are my choices:

1: Hard drive computer
2: Photo albums
3:Favourite overcoat
4: Sheridan bedspread
5:As many DVD & VHS tapes as possible.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Dude, Where's My Starship?

I know where I left it.

So where did the Enterprise go?

We all went off to the pleasure planet of Rigel IV. After all, as Geordi says, we can always have a lot of fun there.

The trouble is, he tends to get locked up for enjoying himself too much.

The Enterprise was put in standard orbit, and the entire crew went down for some fun and frivolity.

This could have been a mistake; it's wise leaving someone there, but how could I leave anyone on the ship while we were having a good time? Even Data wanted to come along.

Anyway, there we are, all ready to beam up automatically.

Nothing to beam up to.

It was fortunate that the automatic transporter spotted this, otherwise we would have been in airless space.

"Are you sure you left it there, Captain?" asks Riker.


"There is a Ferengi ship in orbit, Captain. No lifesigns." says Data, looking at his tricorder.

We beam up and see that everyone has gone.

Geordi looks at the ship's records.

"It looks like they all beamed aboard the Enterprise and had that instead."

We follow the warp trail and get to the Enterprise, which is returning back.

When beaming aboard, we find out that the two Ferengi are in the Brig.

A message comes in from Sickbay.

It's the holographic doctor.

"I hope you'll take a little more notice of me, Captain." he says in that irritating tone of his, "I could see they had put a couple of wires together and were on their way with the Enterprise. With my superior knowledge, I was able to beam the two of them directly into the Brig. Then I made a course correction and headed back."

"Er...well done, Doctor."

"The Holographic Union of Doctors will hear of this, of course, Captain. I'm sure us holograms will get equal recognition and pay from now on. "

It looks like we have a new member of the crew.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Equal Pay For Holograms

In my office, I suddenly get a buzz on my Com System.

"Jean-Luc, this is Beverly. I've got a spot of bother down in Sickbay. Can you help sort it out?"

I don't like the sound of that. Beverly's idea of 'a spot of bother' is usually a calamity.

When I arrive there, the EMH is standing there with her.

"Captain," says Beverly, "the holographic doctor is demanding we pay him more."

"WHAT!" I say, almost speechless.

"It's not so amazing!" shouts the doctor, "I perform an invaluable service here, and I deserve more recognition. I also need more time off for my leisure pursuits, such as opera singing and book writing. Eventually, I hope to leave this rather mundane existance and pursue a life in the arts."

My head starts to throb.

"How did this all start?" I ask Beverly.

"I've no idea" she tells me, "Maybe it is a design fault in all the EMHs?"

"Can we give his program a tweak?" I carefully whisper.

"I heard that!", says the doctor, "I happen to have very good hearing. How would you like someone to give YOUR program a tweak? Anyway, my development is protected by HUD."

"What's that?"

"The Holographic Union of Doctors. It is us who are demanding equal pay for holograms, or we shall withdraw our labour."

"But you don't do anything." I tell him, "You're only a last resort when the medical team needs someone else.

"That's another problem!" he says, "Holograms should be at the forefront of all things, working equally with you solids. Don't forget, I have a combination of many different doctors knowledge in me. We are actually superior to you."

He looks at Beverly, who seems apoplectic.

"We'll have to talk to the Admiral about it, Doctor."

Beverly and I both go to the screen to talk to Admiral Fisher, who handles Starfleet Employee Relations."

"I'm afraid HUD have us over a barrell, Captain Picard. All the EMHs in every starship are refusing to work. It looks like we may have to give in. If a disaster happens, we need them."

Beverly looks mad.

"Wait till he's not looking. I'll get a screwdriver and fix him!"

"HUD will catch you, Beverly."

I think we're in for some opera.

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Betazed & Deep Space Nine


Usually, I welcome a chance to go away with Deanna somewhere; but when that 'somewhere' is Betazed, where her mother Lwaxana lives, I shudder at the thought.

However, I could hardly say no, and as the Enterprise was under repair in the Earth Space Dock, we both set off for her home planet.

This worried me enormously. I know many would regard Deanna as a wonderful bride, but with Lwaxana as a mother-in-law...

What if she was in a husband-hunting mood and took a shine to me herself? I could end up with Deanna as my daughter in law!


When we eventually arrived at Betazed, Lwaxana greeted me in her usual style; I could see both of them talking telepathically. I don't need to tell you what the subject was as they both eyed me, worried that I might overhear them.

"Mother!" Deanna says, "We ought to talk to Will as well."

"I suppose so." Lwaxana said reluctantly.

The three of us carried on pleasant talks in meaningless banter for a while during the rest of the day, although I still felt like an outsider.

Later on, during the night, I heard a few creaks, so I got up and followed the sounds.

From the top floor, I could see Deanna and Lwaxana talking telepathically excitedly. What the subject was, I have no idea.

The next morning, Deanna informed me that we would regretfully have to leave Betazed.

What a relief!

"We have to make a small detour to Deep Space Nine on the way back to the Enterprise."

"That's a BIG detour!" I protested.

"I need to do it, Will." she says, "Please let's go."

She knows how to win me over, when she uses that soft voice.

Eventually, we arrive at the station. Deanna asks me to stay in the shuttle while she goes to settle something.

My curiosity beats me, and I walk to the Promenade, seeing Deanna stride off into the distance.

I hear a scream.

Deanna strides back, her hair all ruffled, and a slight scratch on her cheek, but with a satisfied smile on her face.

Behind her, a dark haired woman, who appears to be a Trill, staggers out. She has a black eye and her nose is bleeding.

Deanna gets back in the shuttle.

"What was that all about?" I ask.

"Nothing you want to bother yourself with, Will." she says sweetly, "We've got to get back to the Enterprise."

Women. Will I ever understand them?

Friday, September 09, 2005

Dude, Where's My Car?

Though I said I wouldn't be back on the computer until Sunday, due to travel back on Saturday, my father and I actually returned a day earlier, as we decided that it might be a good idea to have a full weekend of relaxation before I went to back to the office.

The week was very eventful. We went to Salperton Castle, where we hoped to see some jousting last Sunday. Unfortunately, it rained badly, and we just had the tour of the castle. The rest of the week, ironically, was very sunny, so my arms and face look quite red.

We went to Plymouth on the Tuesday, which is a lovely place; there was a beautiful statue of Drake on the hoe, and an excellent shopping centre. It was only when we returned to the car did our problems start; we couldn't find where we had parked it. The two of us got very desperate, walking the streets trying to find where it was. Eventually, we went in a hotel and called the police, as we thought it had been stolen. A police car picked us up. What onlookers must have thought as they put us in the back seat, I don't know!

We went around the streets, unable to find the car, until finally the driver went into one small road we hadn't been, and there it was! We had completely forgotten it was there.

On Saturday night, we went to a summer show version of 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire', in which prizes are awarded instead of money. For only the second time in the summer season, the contestant get the top prize of a Jaguar car.

We also went to the theatre on Thursday night to see an Agatha Christie play, which was very good.

On two other nights, we went to the cinema and saw 'War of the Worlds' (dreadful) and 'Bewitched' (quite good).

Remind me never to see anything with Tom Cruise in!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Week-Long TWQ

As I'm away in Torquay, and won't be on the blog until September 11th, here is a TWQ to keep you all going until then.

This has been borrowed from the delightful Michele Agnew who has a wonderful participation blog.

Following my first example, name another film the actor was in and then another actor from that film. The next person has to follow suit.

I'll start the ball rolling with The Hours starring Nicole Kidman.

The next person must list another Nicole film, and another actor in it.

Come back as many times as you like!

I'll see you all on September 11th.

Look after yourselves!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

In Space Dock

The Enterprise has limped back to Earth after the battle with the Vargh.

"Why is it you keep needing it repaired, Captain?" an Admiral asks me, "The Enterprise is such a regular in there. All the mechanics know every nut and bolt on it. Do you realise the cost of insurance premiums on it?"

As a result, we are all on leave from Saturday 3rd until Sunday 11th September.

Data is going for a visit to the Doctor Noonian Soong Museum; he'd better be careful, or the guards might think he's an exhibit trying to escape.

Geordi is going back to the pleasure planet Rigel IV. The authorities have been warned about him, as he caused so much trouble last time. I'm not going to bail him out of prison for the unruly behaviour this time.

Worf is going to the Klingon homeworld; he wants to learn any new drinking songs. I hope he doesn't find any, as this is quite embarrassing, especially late at night in a Ten Forward staff break.

Deanna and Riker are off to Betazed; they are staying with Lwaxana, Deanna's mother.

Riker isn't eactly keen on the idea; he has pleaded with Beverly to say he is too ill to travel, but she says she can't falsify information.

So he's going to Betazed.

Deanna asked me quietly if I knew a woman called 'JD'. I told her I didn't, and she looked disappointed. She seems to be checking the databases.

I wonder what that is all about.

Beverly says she's going to Starfleet Academy to spend some time with her son, Wesley.


I'm off to Torquay on Saturday, on the south coast of England. It's part of the Torbay area that's called 'the English Riviera.