Monday, October 31, 2005

Halloween On The Enterprise

I am now approaching Holodeck 2; at the moment I'm wearing a doctor's outfit. Underneath is a 19th century suit.

"Computer, set holodeck programme "Frankenstein castle."


I enter, and the lightning and thunder are already in action. A huge wooden door is in front. I open it and enter Doctor Frankenstein's laboratory. There are boxes and switches all ready.

A giant table is in front, that can be elevated to the roof of the castle.

Music is distantly heard in the background:

I was working in the lab late one night
When my eyes beheld an eerie sight
For my monster from his slab began to rise
And suddenly to my surprise
He did the mash
He did the monster mash
The monster mash
It was a graveyard smash
He did the mash
It caught on in a flash
He did the mash
He did the monster mash

The door opens. A twisted little man comes in.

"There are a group of people here, master."

"Show them in, Ygor," I say.

Deanna walks in. She has a diaphanous white dress on, and her dark hair is up, as if she has had an electrical shock There is a streak of white running down both sides.

"You look a fine bride, Counselor" I tell her, "Where is the groom?"

"Right behind me, Captain, he's having a little difficulty wearing that outffit with those heavy shoes."

I hear a clump, clump, clump.

Riker comes in, wearing a square head, metal shoes, and struggling under a giant metal body. He also has a bolt out of both sides of his neck.

"I don't know why I agreed to this costume, Deanna" he complains, "It's hardly the sort I'd have. Maybe it would be better suited for Worf?"

"Will, you know the two of us are a couple" she whispers, "You want us to have matching costumes, don't you?"

"I don't have to lie on that thing do I, Captain?" asks Riker.

"Of course not, Number One...unless you want to see the view from the roof."

Data comes in with his friend Ensign Jennifer Baxter. She has an operatic dress on and her hair has long flowing curls. Data has a plush tuxedo, a wide rimmed hat, and has a mask over half his face.

"You both look excellent; the ideal Phantom and Christine". I encouragingly say to them.

Ensign Baxter holds on to Data and gives him a playful squeeze. He appears to look worried.

Worf comes in; his face is all covered in hairs. He looks annoyed.

"This Wolfman costume is hardly dignifying; if any fellow Klingon saw this, they would say I have no honour."

"Be careful you don't moult, Worf!" laughs Riker.

Deanna gives Worf a slight smile. He reciprocates.

Geordi enters; he has a flowing cape and a slight tooth problem.

"I am Dracula." he bows.

"Where is Doctor Crusher?" I ask.

"She'll be here in a moment" tells Geordi.

Beverly enters; she has a black wig on, thigh high boots, and the skimpiest black outfit I've seen.

"Greetings all" she annouces, "Elvira, Mistress of the Dark here to be with you."

I suddenly cough.

The ship suddenly jolts. Then the computer voice comes on.

"Warning, incoming vessel"

I talk with the lieutenant who is looking after things on the Bridge. He tells us the Varren, a highly aggressive race have cancelled out our shields and are preparing to board the Enterprise and take over the ship.

"What can we do?" screams Deanna, "They are going to wipe us out!"

I think I know. I tell the lieutenant to send the boarding aliens to Holodeck 2, where they can meet the Captain.

He says they agree.

"Quickly, Number One" I say to Riker, "Get on the table!"

The table elevates through to the castle roof; the thunder and lightning rages.

I am aware that the aliens have beamed in, but pretend not to take any notice, and pull lots of switches that flash on and off.

I tell Ygor to lower the table. As I examine it, Riker moves slightly.

"IT'S ALIVE!!!" I exclaim madly.

"What is this?" says the leader of the Varren, with a worried look on his face, as he sees the Wolfman, Elvira, Christine, the Phantom,Dr Frankenstein, the Monster, the bride, Ygor and Dracula.

"Welcome to my castle."

The quickly panic and beam out.

The lieutenant informs me they have departed at Warp 9 speed.

"Number One" I say to Riker, you may need to keep that outfit for future invasions."

Saturday, October 29, 2005

TWQ: Costume Parties

As Halloween is coming up, The Weekend Question (TWQ) is about costume parties.

What would be the 'ideal' Halloween outfit you would select?

What Halloween outfit have you chosen in the past?

What would be your 'ideal' outfit for any sort of costume party?

What costumes have you worn in the past?

My answer is:

For Halloween, I would like to wear a regal outfit, with a high coller, so that it covered my head, and I carried a false head that had been 'chopped off.'

Once, I went to a Halloween party as an undertaker, with a black outfit and top hat.

My 'ideal' costume would be a 'Las Vegas' studded Elvis Presley outfit, or possibly an Austin Powers costume.

On earler occasions, I have gone as a Chinese mandarin and also as a 'Twenties man' with striped blazer and straw hat.

Now it's over to you....

Thursday, October 27, 2005

100th Post!


This is my 100th Post!

I'd like to thank everybody who have visited this Journal since it's incarnation on 30th April this year. Without your comments and thoughts, I would not have the incentive to write as I have.

In particular, I'd like to mention Ciera , who was the first person to comment in my Journal, and is also a very good friend. Other early commenters are Xtessa, Nic, A True Jersey Girl, Jon, Master Yoda, Michele , Mrs Mogul, MommaK, and Trinity. It was these that first appeared in my Comments.

Where does the Journal go from now? How do I know? I can't see into the future! I'd like to have a better looking one, and also have more features. One of the other pleasures of visiting others is to give me ideas has to how much better it can be improved.

Keep on beaming in; the Enterprise transporter will always let you in so that you can look around.

Here's to the future!

. Jean-Luc Picard

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

More Party Planning

The senior staff have been called in for an urgent conference.

The subject: Update Reports on the Enterprise Christmas Party.

"How are we doing with booking the band, Number One?"

"Sid Starr and The Starrlighters have agreed to be with us for the evening." Riker informs us, "However the nursing home staff tell us that Sid will have to have an oxygen cylinder nearby."

"See to that, will you, Beverly." I ask, "We can't have the band dropping dead during the party."

"How about the catering?" asks Deanna, "We need to have plenty of chocola...I mean food for the guests."

"I have arranged for Federation Foodies to take care of all this." I tell them, "Other starships speak highly of them."

"Were they the caterers that were on board the Excelsior shortly before they had that food poisoning outbreak?" asks Data.

"It was never proved, Mr Data." I inform him, "Besides, they are under new ownership now."

"What about security." Worf inquires, "We cannot allow for uninvited guests. Do you wish me to throw them in the brig?"

"Mr Worf," I calmly tell him, "Everybody is at the party to relax; let's just have a good time...including yourself."

I then turn to the staff.

"Now then, have you all got dates for the party?"

"Ensign Jennifer Baxter has told me that I shall be taking her to the party." states Data, "She seems to be most eager to go, so I shall be escorting her.

"I will be taking Counselor Troi." Riker says with the satisfied smile that he usually has.

"That's good, Number One" I say, "Although you may have to dance with some of the people from the Guest Quarters of the Enterprise from time to time."

"I shall be happy to keep Counselor Troi occupied when Commander Riker is busy." Worf states.

Deanna suddenly giggles.

"That's very generous of you, Mr Worf." I tell him.

"Captain Picard and I shall be going together." states Beverly suddenly.

Everyone looks round at me.

"Err...yes, I shall be very pleased to accompany Doctor Crusher to the party." I tell them. "Like Commander Riker, I may have to dance withy other guests, but the Doctor shall be my escort, and partner during the important Last Dance.

Beverly has a beaming smile.

"What about Geordi?" asks Riker, as he turns to him, "Who is going to be your date?"

"Err...I'm not sure yet" says Geordi, "So many women on the ship want to come with me, I'm having difficulty choosing one."

That might not be quite true, I suspect.

Monday, October 24, 2005

The Enterprise On Broadband

Today is going to be a big day.

The Enterprise computer is going to be fitted with broadband.

Starfleet Command think it's about time that our Galaxy Class starship, flagship of the fleet was fitted with something more advanced than a dial-up system.

After all, it is very disconcerting when, in a battle with Borg, the computer suddenly fails and the message 'Connection has failed, please dial again'. appears on our viewscreen.

It has been the cause of many headaches, I can tell you.

Anyway, Starfleet is stretching the budget, and coming on board will be Admiral Hoyt, Head of Computers, together with Onorio, the alien technology expert. Also there is Ted, the repairman.

Hoyt will be watching, while Onorio does the fitting. Ted is there just in case we need him.

Naturally, Geordi is very concerned about this; his never likes visitors coming and playing with the computers and engines that he regards as 'his own'.

The three men beam aboard; Onorio is carrying a small package; Hoyt is looking pleased. Ted has his overalls on, his cap and a bag of tools.

"Well, Captain." he says, "You're about to step into a new age; the computers will be going at a hyper speed to match warp drive. Hey! It might even render you guys obselete!"

"And you, as well, sir?" I reply.

Hoyt mumbles something to himself and turns to the box.

"Onorio here is going to fit the package; rest assured, there is nothing that can go wrong."

If there's anything that makes me worried, it's when someone confidentally states there's nothing that can go wrong.

The senior staff and our two guests all go over to the main computer drive. Onorio gets out a small disk.

"This will start the conversion process for the computers." Onorio confidentally states, as he inserts the disk, "This will bring the starship into the new age of technology, where new frontiers can now be explored."

All the lights and power on the Enterprise suddenly go off; we are all there in the dark.

"Was that supposed to happen, sir?" Data asks me.

Hoyt is looking a little confused...from what I can see of him.

"Just a little teething trouble there, Captain. Onorio will soon repair it."

He takes a good look and in a few moments, the lights and systems are all running again.

"Excellent!" says Hoyt, "Captain, consult the computer about anything you wish, it will be able to answer in far faster speed."

"Computer, what is the fastest way to travel to Starbase 7?"

A high pitched sound comes out; the computer is speaking at such a fast rate, no one can tell what it is saying.

"What do we do here?", Hoyt asks Onorio.

"Err...I don't exactly know." he replies, "This is a new system for Starfleet, and there was always the problem of err... technological difficulties arising."

All of us then turn to Ted.

He sighs and looks in his bag of tools.

"I think I've got what you want here, mate." he says.

He gets out a large hammer and whacks the top of the console. Hoyt, Onorio and Geordi do white with shock.

The computer voice suddenly changes from a high pitch wail to that normal voice we have, that seems to remind me of someone.

The new broadband seems to be working properly now.

"Ropey connection, mate" he tells us, as he turns to Deanna, "Make us some char, love, then I'll be on my way."

There were always rumours that Ted had come from a temporal field when Starfleet were experimenting with time travel.

I'm beginning to think they are right.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

TWQ: Spending the Weekend

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week is actually about the weekend:

How do you like to spend your weekend? What sort of pursuits do you do on those days?

Here's my answer:

It's always a chance for me to catch up on my computer work. I can write blog scripts and visit those in my bloglist and meet new people. Sadly, I don't have time to do this as much in the week.

Besides this, when a good movie comes on, the weekend is the time to visit the cinema. Saw 2 will be released later this week!

Birmingham (England) is a great place for shopping; as Christmas draws near, the weekend is also a time for going there.

As well as the above, it's a great chance to relax from the routine of the office.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The New Recruits

Today, the first intake of recruits who have applied to join Starfleet after that awful ad are going to have a tour of the Enterprise.

They beam on board; there are five teenagers; three male, two female.

"Hey look!" says one of the girls, "There's the boss we saw in the ad; doesn't he look dreamy, Ken?"

"Nah" replies a boy, "He looks ancient, Deb."

The five are introduced as Ken, Debra, Jenny, Brad & George. The boys are wearing baggy clothes and the girls have low slung mini skirts, cropped tops; their noses and navels are pierced.

What a shower.

Still, I now have to escort the five around the ship. I take them to the Bridge.

"This is where we....." I start.

"AAAAGHHH!" screams Jenny, "Whats that?"

She looks at Worf.

"I am Lieutenant Worf, Head of Security." he informs them.

"It's a monster" shouts George, "And he's got a ray gun!"

"Calm down, all of you." I tell them, "We have many alien species living on the Enterprise."

"I wouldn't like to meet that Worf guy on a dark night" laughs Brad.

Worf says something to himself that I can't quite hear.

Data comes on the Bridge.

"It's the funny robot!" says Ken, "Hey robot! Do the Gort impression again; that really creases me up. All of our family were laughing when you did it."

"Excuse me?" states Data, "I have duties to do at the Com."

"Well, I didn't think THAT was too funny!" sniffs Debra.

"No it wasn't, Deb." Ken tells her, "Hey, Cap, let's go into outer space and blow up a few aliens."

I angrily turn to him.

"This is a ship of peace; we do not go around the sectors destroying aliens. You are here solely for a tour around the Enterprise as part of your induction process into Starfleet and the Academy."

"Bor--inng!!" yawns Jenny, "Oh, Ken, take me home and we can watch a holographic film together."

Deanna steps on to the Bridge; Ken, Brad & George look eagerly.

"It's that gorgeous babe in the ad!" they whisper to each other.

"Hey baby", calls out Brad to Deanna, "What kind of outfit is that supposed to be? We expected you to be wearing that skimpy number in the ad."

"This is my Starfleet uniform." Deanna informs them, "What you saw was only for the purposes of the advert."

"What a cheat!" says Brad to his friends, "Meeting babes in skimpy oufits was the only reason I applied."

"Me too!" his two friends say.

"Come on, Jen" Brad states, "Let's get that holographic film, and get something good from the replicator at your place."

"Ooooh!" she giggles.

All five leave, and suddenly all is silent.

"I presume they will not be part of our crew, Captain?" asks Data.

"That's a safe guess, Data." I reply, "If they ever are, I suggest we surrender to the Borg immediately. Assimilating them into the Collective might do the Borg more harm than anything else."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Transporter Repairs

Ted, the Transporter Repairman has come on for his annual check up of the system.

It's notable that Ted doesn't use the transporter to beam to the Enterprise. He tells me that he 'doesn't like those things', and so always comes aboard by shuttle.

He brings his repair box, which usually consists of a couple of extra circuits plus a hammer and screwdriver.

"Hi, mate." he says, as he leaves the shuttle. He is wearing his traditional oily overalls, flat cap and also carries a lunch box with his sandwiches.

We arrive in Transporter Room One.

"Any trouble here, mate?" he asks me.

"The transporter has jammed a couple of times in the year, and two people were merged with each other for a few days."

"Yeah, well," Ted tells me, "Those things were always a bit dodgy, mate. They need to checked looked at. Hold on, I'll get my hammer and give it a whack."

"These systems are very delicate, Ted. Our Chief Engineer spent many hours testing it all so that everything worked out fine."

I am having to shout at the top of my voice because of the sound of his hammer.

He throws out a circuit.

"Cheap rubbish there, mate." Ted says in disgust, "This is the sort of dangerous stuff that'll break down anytime. I'll fit in something decent. Get me a couple of char, please, mate."

I give him some tea. He drinks some and coughs.

"That's too weak!" Ted tells me, "Real char is so strong, you sand stand yer spoon in it."

I get what he wanted; after he drinks it, I think there is a permanant stain on the tea cup.

Ted proceeds to visit the other Transporter Rooms; he spends a while hammering and throwing out circuits. In one Room, the system explodes.

"Cheap modern rubbish." Ted says to himself, "No quality around nowadays."

Ted finishes his checking and heads off to his shuttle.

"See you next year, mate." says Ted, as he closes the door and prepares to depart.

The com switches on.

"Riker here, Captain, one to beam up."

"Number One, it might be a good idea if you came up by shuttle; I'm not quite sure where you'd end up if you used the transporter."

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tagged: 20 Random Facts

I have been tagged by the delightful Xtessa, who used her charm to evade the sensors and the shields. I am supposed to write 20 random facts about myself and tag the same amount of people that it takes minutes to complete it. Don't worry, this won't happen!

1: I have to have Earl Grey tea before I can start a staff meeting.

2: I have a artificial heart; Riker asked me the other day if it ever get rusty.

3: After being told by Deanna Troi that if she ever marries Will, there would have to be a nude ceremony on Betazed in which all attendees are unclothed, I had a stress pill.

4: I had another one when I was told I would have to be Best Man.

5: I bear an uncanny resemblance to Professor Charles Xavier

6: I tried to have Wesley Crusher put in the cargo hold of the airplane we travelled in to Portugal this year.

7: I pleaded with the head of Starfleet Academy to accept Wesley, otherwise he might end up in an airlock.

8: Whenever I am philosophical, I strut around quoting lines from Shakespeare plays.

9: I tried on Geordi's visor once; it gave me a headache that lasted a week.

10: I have the key to the restroom on the Enterprise.

11: It was me who wrote 'I Luv Bev' on the mirror.

12: I can't remember what 'The Picard Manouvre Is'.

13: Last week, I sent off six job applications for Riker to try.

14: I'm always listening to see if Data's programming goes awry and he uses a contraction.

15: Guinan poured a drink over me yesterday when I asked her how old she was.

16: Worf wasn't keen on seeing the ballet that was on the other night.

17: I've looked in the Starship manual parts catalogue and ordered a broadband system.

18: Guinan also said an actor in the 2oth & 21st Century also bore a resemblance to me.

19: Riker told me the first time I said "Make it so", he thought I said "Make it GO."

20: I'm still trying to figure out who the voice of the ship's computer reminds me of.

Well that's it. Shall I tag someone? Who said, "Yes, as long as it's not me"?

Sorry, but Tigerlily has drawn the short straw.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Like Mother, Like Daughter


Being Ambassador for Betazed is a wonderful position; after all, one meets so many interesting men people that it is fascinating to, er, get to know them.

A lot of people tend to think I flirt a lot, but really, darlings, it's just the effervescent way I am. There is nothing wrong with being friendly towards people.

I know a few get nervous about this; Jean-Luc's face is such a picture of neurotic nervousness whenever I visit the Enterprise, it's a joy to behold. Admittedly, I have found him a rather attractive man, but frankly, darlings, a nervous man is a bit of a turn-off, don't you think? I do like to worry him when I visit,though.

My daughter Deanna is growing up fast, don't you think? She has an attractive boyfriend in Riker, and also that Worf to keep her occupied when Will is away.

That's my girl! She's a true Betazoid. Never one to feel lonely.

Deanna also put paid to that Trill called Jadzia. I told her when she visited, "Daughter, a Betazoid isn't going let any of her men be taken away by another woman. Go to her and tell her you mean business!"

That she did, and the Trill now supports a black eye and multiple bruises.

I'm really proud of my daughter. Just like me, she is, darlings!

I wonder what will happen if Deanna marries Will? The ceremony would have to take place here on Betazed, and of course, no one at a ceremony on our planet wears clothes.

Poor Jean-Luc! I would dearly love to see the look on his face! The wedding invitation would have to add 'Clothing not required!'

That thought has really made me smile!

I'll have to encourage Deanna to marry Will for that reason alone, darlings!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

TWQ: Your First Novel

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week takes a literary slant:

You are about to write your first novel. What will the title be? What is the basic plot outline? Name two or three characters.

Here is mine:

If I were to write one, it would be called something like 'Lucy Parkinson's Revenge'. It would be set in the English Regency period, with a woman cheated out of her inheritance by her relatives. Lucy, who is mad, kills off her family one by one to get the title and to run 'Savannah', which is the estate. Aside from Lucy Parkinson, there would be Sir Giles Parkinson, who runs 'Savannah', Christina Parkinson, Lucy's cousin, who is the only person who sees what is going on and Lockley, the gamekeeper who plans secretly to burn down Savannah.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Starfleet Advert (Part Two)

The Starfleet Advert has been made.

Despite my protestations to Admiral Marsh, he has decided that the screening will go ahead, even though he hasn't seen it.

"Captain Picard" he says, "Billy Fortune is the latest trendy film director. His movies are all the rage amongst the young. We'll publicise he made it, and lots of people will want to join Starfleet."
"But, Sir" I try to say, "The advert isn't very good."

"No buts, Picard! The advert will get shown at 20:00 tonight."


At 20:oo, we are all there to see the tortuous advert unfold....


Geordi: "We're under attack!"

Riker releases Deanna from a passionate clinch. She is wearing a mini skirt and a cropped top.

Riker: "Send for the Captain"

Picard walks on to the Bridge.

Picard: "What's going on here, my loyal crew?"

Deanna: "Oh, Captain, we are under attack from hostile aliens!"

Data walks on stiffly

Data: "Klaatu Barada Nikto"

Geordi: "He's been seeing too many science fiction movies in our holodeck cinema."

Everyone laughs

Deanna (addressing camera): "Well there are so many facilities on a starship nowadays; on a holodeck, you can create ANYTHING you like, your quarters can be designed in a style you want. Generous holidays offered, even at ensign level"

Picard(addressing viewscreen): "This is Starfleet, part of the Federation; lay down your weapons."

Fearsome alien comes on screen

Fearsome Alien: " We're really sorry to attack a Starfleet vessel. They are the top ships in the Quadrant, with the best crews around."

Wesley beams on to the Bridge, and addresses the camera.

Wesley: Don't forget folks, you can be a part of Starfleet today. Go to your nearest recruitment office and get forms for enrolling at Starfleet Academy. Soon, you could be a part of this fab outfit. I'm in the Academy, and have served on the Enterprise for some years, saving it from destruction every week. You could be doing all this. Be part of Super Starfleet...

All of the cast: "NOW!!!!"


I cringe; it's even worse than I thought.

The next day, I get a phone call from Admiral Marsh, expecting him to be incensed, and ordering the film to be burnt.

"Captain Picard, that was wonderful acting there. We have been inundated with requests from people wanting to join Starfleet. You and the crew did a superb job."

If the new recruits think this is what it's really like, they'll have a big shock coming.

I hear a voice.

"Klaatu Barada Nikto!"

"Not now, Data."

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Starfleet Advert (Part One)

I have been summoned to Starfleet Headquarters on Earth.

When I get there, I see Admiral Marsh, who is the Head of Recruitment. With him is a man in his early twenties with dark glasses and so called 'trendy clothes' who is obviously trying to look intellectual at the same time.

"Captain Picard" says Marsh, "This is Billy Fortune, the hot film director. As recruitment to Starfleet has fallen over the last few years, we have employed him to make an advert for us that will be shown on screens at home. We want you to work with him in creating that."

"I don't know whether I'm the one for this role, Sir." I say.

"Of course you are, Jean-Luc, baby!" exclaims Fortune, "We want the Captain of the flagship of the fleet in this ad."

I dislike him intensely already.


After meeting the senior staff, Fortune talks to me about what he thinks.

"This ad needs some bizaz, baby. We need it to say to those viewers, ''Come and join this go-ahead outfit, this is the place to be, this is where it's all happening!"

I think my Universal Translator must be malfunctioning.

"That Worf guy is way too scary." he says, "He might put people off joining. What about that funny robot, Data? He could do a bit of comedy like the one in that ancient series 'Lost In Space'.
That Riker could be good; the two you you could be a double act and do some funny routines there. Makes 'em laugh and start listening."

"Well we gotta have that Deanna Troi in it," he continues, "We need a babe in a skimpy outfit. It'll get the men watching the screen. Now that Geordi needs to be in it; a blind black guy. Wow! that gives a great message saying anybody can join. Do you think that Beverly would wear a skimpy outfit as well?"

"NO!" I say.

"Ah, well, never mind."

"Is that it?" I ask, wanting to throttle him.

"No, baby, we need youth. We need some kid to tell them to join Starfleet Academy. A bright one. I think I know who."

I can see it coming, I know I can.

"That Wesley Crusher is just right, baby. He's in the Academy, he's bright, and hey! he's even served on your Enterprise for a few years. Let's get him on the scene and we can start shooting.

Pass the headache tablets.

Monday, October 10, 2005

The View From The Bar


Running this bar is a cinch after all that I've been through, I can tell you.

It keeps me young as well. Though I'm over 600 years old, I sometimes don't feel a day over 350.

It's those drinking songs that annoy me, though. When Worf has had a few, he really gets going, and there we are, back on the Klingon homeworld and singing songs of Kahless and his epic quests.

Do me a favour, Worf!

Geordi, now he's another one. I'm there behind the bar, and I have to hear his witless attempts to chat up women. He has no idea.

He starts with, "Hiya babe, I'm the Chief Engineer."

I ask you!

The unlucky woman look in pity and disgust at him and walks off, while Geordi looks amazed. If any female actually responded to his awful chat-up lines, he wouldn't have a clue what to do next.

Jean-Luc and Beverly are a pair, though. They will come in at different times and tell me how much they like the other, but have to maintain a professional distance.

Come on, you two!

Of course, I'm a great friend of Jean-Luc; I met him in the 19th Century when he time-travelled here. I've had a few dealings with Q as well. I got to Earth when my planet had been invaded by the Borg.

Talk about a backward planet! No warp drive, no space travel!

In the 20th Century, I changed my name for a while and went into acting. Some of the movies were ridiculous. I never understood the plots myself, but I had to dress up in this black outfit called a nun's habit.

Afterward, I went on this television quiz show called 'Hollywood Squares'. The producer told me just to say any idiotic answer. This I did, and for some reason, the audience laughed.

I went into hiding for a while, and when Jeffram Cochrane had a slight idea about warp drive, I gave him a couple of hints. As he was always drunk, he forgot to mention my involvement.

Nearly a century later, I applied for the job of Communications Officer on Captain Archer's Enterprise, but failed to get it. No Starfleet experience, they say.

If only they knew!

Another century passed; I then applied for the same job on the 'five year mission' on the Enterprise that Kirk was on. He personally interviewed all the women, but this Uhura got it.

What does he know?

In the end, after nearly yet another hundred years, I finally get on the Enterprise; as a bartender!

With all the people I've met, I ought to have been at least First Officer, don't you...hold on, Deanna and Riker are giggling with each other.

I'll be listening in...

Saturday, October 08, 2005

TWQ:influential & Memorable TV

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week is asking you to take a look at the tv programmes of the past.

Name the ten tv programmes that were influential or memorable in the past. Why were they?

Here are my choices: note: this list has been revised from the first day of asking the question.

1: The 'Star Trek' series: Naturally, this was hugely influential, especially seeing the original series as a child.

2: Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In: This comedy so funny when seen; I would dearly love to see it again. Who can forget the flying fickle finger of fate, "Sock it to me!", "Here comes de judge" and "Verrrry interesting!"?

3: Steptoe and Son: This comedy series about two rag and bone men was wonderfully acted, with great scripts. A version of it was made in the US called 'Sanford & Son'.

4: Whatever Happened To The Likely Lads?: This comedy series about two men in the north of England has never dated, despite being made in the early seventies.

5: The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin: This was a first rate comedy series. Reggie is an executive who tires the life he leads, and fakes his own death. He comes back later and remarries his wife.

6: Dallas: This was the first of it's kind, and made all the better by Larry Hagman's portrayal of JR Ewing.

7: The 'Blackadder' series: This comprised of four comedy series, 'The Black Adder', 'Blackadder II', 'Blackadder III' and 'Blackadder Goes Forth'. In each, Rowan Atkinson plays Edmund Blackadder, then a descendant with the same name. Hilarious.

8: When The Boat Comes In: This drama was a wonderful portrayal of the opportunistic Jack Ford and life in the 1920's.

9: Battlestar Galactica: The original version was really well made; despite the new version having some good special effects, I am very loyal to this one. The last series of it, 'Galactica 80: Galactica Reaches Earth' , wioth different actors is worth seeing as well.

10: The Phil Silvers Show: The Sergeant Bilko stories have always been worth seeing. My favourite episode is when the troop think they are in a song contest, but it is an experimental laboratory for killer bees.

also ones that I have to squeeze in somehow....

11: The Twilight Zone (black & white originals): These were mini-classics. Everyone has their own favourites.

12: Twin Peaks: Was there ever a show like this?

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Fitness Program

Another useless piece of rubbish directive from Starfleet.

This one is telling that all Senior Staff (why is it always us?) are to assemble for a weekly fitness routine in a holodeck program that has been sent over.


Later, we walk in the holodeck. Worf has that outfit on he trains the crew with those Klingon routines with. Riker has the proper gear. Top of the range.

He would have.

Geordi has a colourful outfit, all in jazzy styles. Data, who is far fitter than any of us, turns up.

"Data" I say, "You can't become fit; as a machine, it won't do you any good."

"I realise that, Captain." he replies, "But as a member of the Senior Staff, it is my duty to attend."

I am there in my regulation Starfleet-issue fitness outfit.

Beverly and Deanna both join us; they both have skimpy leotards on.

Riker looks at Deanna and tries to put his eyes back in their sockets.

I look at Beverly.

Perhaps this fitness program won't be as bad after all?

I see the weights. Worf and Data have had little trouble with them; let's see how I get along.

I attempt to lift them; a few seconds later, my back is in agony. Perhaps I should have set them at a lesser weight?

Geordi seems to be doing well, although seeing that outfit is a pain on the eyes.

Riker is showing off, as he always does; he manages to do well on them all. On the treadmill, he gets a high speed, he handles the rowing machine effortlessly.

I am worn out.

The treadmill speed is lessened, and I still feel as if I am on a walk across the Vulcan desert.

Beverly spends more time trying to pick me off the floor, rather than do her own fitness exercises.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Jean-Luc." she says quietly, "It is rather an ordeal for those, err...not fully fit."

"Yes!" I reply, determined to carry on.

I go to the multi gym.

"Jean-Luc." says Beverly, "That has been tough for any of us, "Even Data found it hard going."

"Then as Captain, I should be able to do this."

I think at this time, my sense of reasoning had gone by way of a transporter signal: disappeared into thin air.

I got strapped into position.

"Get the weights set." I say, "I can do this!"

I start, ready to lift the weights that are lowering on to my neck.

I pass out.

The next thing I see is Beverly in her doctor's outfit.

"Where am I?"

"Sickbay, where do you think, Jean-Luc?"

"What happened?"

"You passed out after taking on too much. Don't worry. you're not the only one. A lot of Captains are currently injured after taking on too much. The program has been scrapped."

"What a relief!" I say.

Although Beverly's leotard wasn't a bad part of it.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Starship Etiquette

A new directive has been sent from Starfleet ordering how staff Bridge Staff should behave in certain situations. I am reading this out to them.

1: Don't slouch on the chairs; when the viewscreen comes on, people want to see a smart, efficient crew, even if they are hostile and about to invade.

2: If an alien announces "We will destroy your ship.", don't immediately respond with a full spread of photon torpedoes. This will cause hostility. Instead, put on an understanding smile and ask gently, "Do you REALLY want to do that?" Offer them coffee and a donut, so you can talk peacefully.

3: If an alien group invades the ship, remember to say "Welcome to the Enterprise." when they board. Show them around the ship and take them to Ten Forward. This will break the ice between races, and encourage friendship.

4: Don't set the Self Destruct sequence off. Starships cost a lot to build. It costs a lot to train personel as well.

5: Namebadges should be worn by all personel. How will anyone know each other is, especially in a Galaxy-Class starship?

6: Stardates will be used at all times. It is not acceptable to use terms like 'half past eight last Thursday'.

7: Don't go into Red Alert everytime there is a minor mishap. This causes a lot of stress amongst crew members. Remember, we only have one Counselor per starship.

8: The Captain will not use his own odd sentances to utter commands. "Go ahead" or "Go on course." is acceptable. "Make It So." is not.

9: When an alien diplomat visits the ship, make sure you know as much as you can about the race. Customs and greetings can vary. The slightest twitch or wrong phrase could cause an interplanetary war.

10: Bridge staff shall maintain a decorum at all hours. Drinking songs are not permitted. Especially while on duty.

There was a few choice remarks during the reading of this., mostly from Worf.

Now where is the Enterprise Shredder Room?

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator has cruelly tagged me; it was able to get through the shields, which we thought had been modified to prevent this kind of attack.

I shall be giving the Romulans your blog address.

Ten years ago I was:

*Ten years younger.

*Captain of the Stargazer.

*An admirer of Beverly Crusher.

Five years ago I was:

*Five years younger.

*Captain of the Enterprise.

*Still an admirer of Beverly Crusher.

One year ago I was:

*Wondering when Riker was going to take another command.

*Wondering if Mott the barber would be too scary to be seen at Halloween.

*Glad that Wesley had gone to Starfleet Academy.

Yesterday I was:

*Wondering what was going to happen at the Christmas Party.

*Wondering if Data has a Warranty for parts.

*Thinking of going skiing in the holodeck program.

Snacks I enjoy:

Cheese ones, of course.

Songs I know the words to:

Crocodile Rock, American Pie, Hey Jude, Life On Mars, See My Baby Jive.

Places to go to:

Cannes, New York, Florida, Sydney, Rigel IV pleasure planet.

Not suit., TV I am merciful, I won't tag anyone.

Monday, October 03, 2005

Whatever Happened To Doctor Pulaski?


A lot of people keep asking me "Whatever happened to Doctor Katherine Pulaski?"

She was the woman who replaced me on the Enterprise for a year while I went to Starfleet Medical on Earth.

It was assumed that this was a position I eagerly wanted, but that's not the way it was. After all, I was very fond of the Enterprise; my son Wesley was serving on it, and I like the company of certain people, although we keep a professional distance from each other.

This is the truth of what happened that year...

All of a sudden, this directive came from Starfleet Headquarters that I had successfully obtained the new position at the Medical Council. I was puzzled, as I had made no such application.

The Admiral who informed me said there was no chance of changing my mind, and that I had to go there.

I was most distraught, and there was a tearful farewell from my friends on the Enterprise.

When I arrived in San Francisco, there was a message from Wes on the monitor. He said there was a new woman, a Doctor Katherine Pulaski, and she was now doing my job.

Jean-Luc also sent a message, saying that Dr Pulaski was rather annoying, getting on his fraying nerves and that the two of them had got into a lot of arguements. He said he was missing me.

That cheered me up no end.

While I was at Starfleet Medical, I did a lot of detective work; I was determined to find out how I had ended up here, rather than on the flagship of the fleet.

I tracked down my application form, sent in by computer. By doing this, I was able to find out the location of where it came from.

It was from the office of Doctor Katherine Pulaski.

That woman had got me posted to that job so she could take the job that any doctor in the Federation would dearly want.

What was I going to do to get my job back? Sneak on the Enterprise and put her body in a Jeffries Tube? Though it did seem rather appealing, I knew I had to do something a lot more subtle.

Three weeks later, there was a call on the monitor from Wes on the Enterprise.

"Mom, you'll never guess what happened? Dr Pulaski has been summoned take to part in a long-range scientific survey around the galaxy on the New Frontier vessel. It's a voyage that involves suspended animation, as it involves long distances. They could be away for over 100 years."

"What did Dr Pulaski say, Wes?"

"Well, she protested, saying she never wanted to go, and also said "It's HER, I know it is". I don't know what that means, Mom."

"Strange, isn't it, Wes?"

"Well, the Captain is pleased to have her along, as the doctor they were going to have suddenly fell ill through stomach poisoning. I think she worked at Starfleet Medical with you, Mom."

"What a coincidence." I said.

"I'll have to go, Mom; by the way, I saved the ship again last week."

"That's nice of you, Wes."

Jean-Luc came on a little later. He explained that Dr Pulaski had been called away, and pleaded with me to come back to the Enterprise.

Naturally, I was there, and have been the doctor ever since.

Aren't we women sneaky?

Saturday, October 01, 2005

TWQ: Childhood Ambitions

The Weekend Question (TWQ) asks you to look back and remember your ambitions.

When you were very young, what did you want to be when you grew up?
How did that change as you grew up?
Have you managed to achieve any of it?

I always wanted to be a writer when I was young; I wrote little stories, especially when I was in primary school. Sci fi film stories, comic books and Star Trek were a great influence on my imagination.

This was negated when I entered the primary school stage, as I had 'serious' studies to do.

When the internet arrived, my imagination was rekindled. I have a poetry website in which I have written a few. Also, this blog is a great creative outlet.

Now it's over to you...