Monday, August 30, 2010

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Five)

The crew is all assembled in the holodeck, which haa been programmed to represent a typical Klingon wedding location. Bev is sitting next to me, with a tissue to her eye.

"I love a good wedding, Jean-Luc." she tells me, "I had to get a new hat for this event."

Sitting next to me on the other side is Worf, who is looking anxiously around in his red wedding outfit, awaiting his bride to be, Jadzia Dax, and for the woman who will officiate the wedding, his former lover, Deanna Troi. I have been Worf's Tawi'Yan, which is a kind of Best Man.

A weird form of music, which I can only assume is a build-up to the main event. Bev tells me it is called Hill Of The Skull. A charming title!

Deanna enters in one of her most revealing outfits to officiate the ceremony. A rather cheeky way of telling Worf what he has given up by going with Jadzia. About as subtle as being hit with a lead brick.

"We are here to witness the betrothal of Jadzia Dax to Worf. May the bride step out, please?"

Jadzia comes out in her matching bridal outfit, and momentarily raises an eyebrow when she sees what Deanna is wearing.

Worf gives a smile when he sees the bride, and they both step up to where Deanna is standing.
I then stand up and present the two of them with bat'leths. Worf and Jadzia will now stage a mock battle before the ceremony. Perhaps all humans should do this to save from the battles they have later on in marriage?

They stand ready, and draw their bat'leths.

"There's a betting pool on the Enterprise that says I'm gonna beat you, Worf!" calls out Jadzia, as the two of them parry.

"Jadzia" Worf replies, "This is merely a friendly contest. It is traditional that the male wins, so that he can display his superiority as a warrior to those gathered here."

"The only problem there." Jadzia answers, "Is that I'm a warrior as well.May the best one win!"

The two combat intensely, both determined not to let their honour slip. After ten minutes, each are battlling intensely."

Deanna bravely steps in between them, hoping that one of the bat'leths doesn't chop her in two.

"Wo!!!!" she exclaims, "I think we'll call that part of the ceremony a draw. Let's move on."

"That's why we're well matched." Jadzia tells Worf, "We are both strong warriors."

Worf contemplates this.

"You are correct, Jadzia, "It is why I love you. Now let's continue with the ceremony and get married."

To be continued...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

TWQ: Signs That Summer Is Ending

As we begin to enter September, the warmth of summer starts to go. Today on TWQ (the Weekend Question), we look at humourous ways we can tell.

How can  you tell that summer is starting to come to an end? List as many as you wish, and have a warped sense of humour!

My answers are:

* Christmas presents and cards are in the shops.

* You start trying to find where the sweaters are.

* It's too cold to eat an ice cream

* Vacations for next year are in the travel agents.

* You start feeling chilly while you read about celebrities relaxing on the beaches of Barbados, St Lucia etc.

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

I enter Deanna’s office slowly to find her waiting for me.

“Hello Jadzia!” she says cheerily, “This won’t take long. It’s merely a formality.”

I bet it is. I’m here to be approved by Deanna, a former partner of Worf, to see if I am a suitable marriage partner for him. I’ll have to answer some questions about his family. Although she is officiating, Deanna has the power to cancel the wedding as well.

Will our old rivalry prevent the marriage?

“Sit down, Jadzia” Deanna tells me, “We’re just going to have a little chat about your favourite Klingon, then it will be all systems go for the wedding itself.”

“All right.” I answer tentatively, “Where do we begin?”

“Well.”  She says with a slight smile, “As you’re marrying into Worf’s family, Let’s see what you know about them. Go back ten generations and say who the fathers were.”

I nearly choke on the tea that I was casually drinking.
 “Ten generations!” I exclaim, “Usually it’s only five!”

“Yes.” Answers the Counselor, “But you are getting someone who is worth knowing a lot about.”

I quickly reel off “Worf, son of Mogh” etc until I get to the end. Deanna looks surprised.

“Well done, Jadzia” she says, “You did it all in thirty seconds.”

“That’s because I agree with you.” I reply with a sly smile, “He is a Klingon worth knowing a lot about. I did my homework.”

“Very good.” Deanna tells me, “Do you think you can sing Worf’s favourite battle song?”

“No problemo!” I tell her, and quickly go into a wailing dirge about Kahless, the Plains of Victory. After eighteen verses, Deanna steps in.

“That’s fine, Jadzia.” She tells me, “You can stop now.”

That’s a relief, as it was giving me a headache, and I would have had to start humming by the time I got to verse 20.

"You've really exceeded my expectations." Deanna tells me. She gets up and hugs me.

"See you at the wedding, Jadzia." she laughs, "I give you and Worf my blessings, and shall be happy to officiate at the ceremony."

I go out, feeling very pleased, and happy that I studied the book Everything You Need To Know About Klingons.

The wedding takes place after the TWQ...

Monday, August 23, 2010

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Three)

All the men of the Senior Staff are now in the holodeck. It has been programmed to look like a cave. What will be taking place is the Kal'Hayah, which is a sort of pre-wedding Klingon event that all males have to do. It's a sort of last hour of freedom boozathon. As Worf is getting married to Jadzia Dax shortly, we are all here to take part. I'm hosting the event, as I'm Worf's Tawi'Yan, which kind of means Best Man.


We are all sitting round a fire, the effects of the Klingon bloodwine are already getting to us,

"So, Worf." asks Geordi, "What do you think about Deanna having to conduct the ceremony because she is a previous girlfriend of yours? That's a real laugh."

"It is merely part of Klingon tradition, Commander." replies Worf stuffily, "I am honoured that the Counselor will be officiating the ceremony."

"I wonder what Jadzia think?" Riker comments, "I know both Deanna and Jadzia have had some catfights in the past."

"That is history." Worf tells us, "Although Jadzia and Deanna have had their disagreements, they have made up, and each have settled down."

"It'll open up a few old wounds." laughs Geordi, "I'll bet Deanna is laughing at the thought that she has to approve the marriage and then actually conduct it."

"The Counselor did seem in remarkably good humour before we came into the holodeck." Data tells us, "she was saying to herself "will I or won't I?" as I passed her."

Worf looks glum and takes a large swig of Klingon Bloodwine.

"Relax, Mr Worf" I say to him, "I believe Deanna was just teasing with you to make you seem a little nervous."

"I agree, Worf." Riker chips in, "She's just having a little fun at your expense, now what about the mock battle you and Jadzia will do with the bat'leths before the wedding?"

"I discussed this with her a short time ago." Worf says in an annoyed tone, "Jadzia tells me that she will go easy with me."

Everybody laughs.

"I told her that it will be ME that goes easy with her." Worf continues, "She then tells me that it looks like we've got a real competition going. This is nonsense. I cannot be defeated by my bride with a bat'leth!"

"Relax, Mr Worf." I tell him, "Enjoy your last few hours as a single Klingon."

We all drink lots more bloodwine until we eventually stagger out of the holodeck with massive hangovers....except Data, who has to prop us all up.

To be continued....

Saturday, August 21, 2010

TWQ: What Makes You Smile?

TWQ (the Weekend Question) is asking this week about what brings a smile to your face.

What makes you smile? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Waking up later because it's Saturday or Sunday

* Watching a favourite movie

* Seeing or hearing from a friend I haven't seen for a while

* Listening to a favourite song

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part Two)

Author's Note:

Captain Picard has been asked to be the Tawi'Yan at Worf and Jadzia's wedding, which is the equivilant of the Best Man position. He has also discovered that the marriage has to be approved and carried out by The Mistress, a title given to the previous sexual partner of the groom, which was Deanna.  He has just told her.

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

The male senior officers will soon be going for their Kal'Hayah, a pre-wedding Klingon ceremony for males.

I can't believe it. My title is now The Mistress. I hope that doesn't stick.

Naturally, I was shocked at first, but I'm gonna have a lot of fun having to vent my approval and carry out the wedding. Jadzia and I had a lot of rivalry when we were both with Worf, having the occasional fight and tearing teach other's hair out was quite commonplace. I'll make that Jadzia nervous when it comes to the part where approval is given.

Maybe I'll toss a coin.

A knock on the door. It won't take many guesses to see who this will be.

"Hello Deanna." Jadzia says carefully, as she steps in, "Is it okay if I jusr drop in for a little chat?" She speaks and walk hesitantly, as if she is crossing a fieldful of Dvorak explosives.

"Sure, Jadzia." I say with a smile as sincere as a holiday home salersman, "Dit down and tell me what's troubling you."

"Well I'm sure you've heard from Jean-Luc about the role he has asked you to play in the wedding, that of The Mistress?"

"Indeed I have." I tell her, with barely the hint of a smile.

"Well." Jadzia continues quietly, "We are friends now, aren't we, Deanna. I know he had some difficulties when both you and I were competing for Worf."

"Personally I found the fights a lot of fun." I say with a laugh, which depresses Jadzia.

"Perhaps they were, Deanna." she tells me, "But we've grown up. You have Will Riker, and I'm about to marry Worf.  You WILL approve the marriage, won't you? And officiate it?"

"We'll all have to wait and see, Jadzia" I say teasingly, and usher her out of my study.

As she goes, I whisper quietly in her ear "Everything will go fine."

To be continued after the TWQ..

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Wedding Of Jadzia And Worf (Part One)

I'm in my ready room, relaxing with a drink of Earl Grey, and reading The Klingon Wedding Guide, so that I can familiarise myself with the whole ceremony when Worf and Jadzia get married in a few days. Frankly, it all looks bewildering. I sometimes wish they had gone through with it at the Elvis Galactic Chapel on Vegas VII, where we happened to be recently.

Listen to all this...

The Klingon wedding is a highly ritualized ceremony, resembling an opera. Klingon warriors beating their drums receive the couple as the Lady of the Great House of the groom recites the traditional story of the Klingon creation in which the Klingon male and female are created and join together and rise up against their gods. The groom's Tawi'Yan presents the couple with bat'leths as they do mock battle with each other in representation of the struggle of the male and female Klingon hearts against one another.

After the couple recites their vows, swearing to unite against all their opponents, the guests attack them with ceremonial weapons, the Ma'Stakas.

In preparation for the wedding the bride must be approved by the Mistress of the groom's house. The bride must display her ability to perform several traditional Klingon rituals. She also must recite the history of all the females of the house she is joining. The groom prepares with his closest male friends, including one designated as the Tawi'Yan, the Klingon equivalent of a best man. They go to a cave, or a simulation of a cave if necessary, for the physical and spiritual journey of Kal'Hyah.

Quite a lot there. It would seem a lot easier to have the minister singing Love Me Tender.

I hear a knock on the door.

"May I speak with you, Captain?" Worf asks.

"Of course." I reply, "What is it?

"I wonder if you would be my Tawi'Yan at my wedding?" he enquires.

"It would indeed be an honour." I answer, beaming, "I have read the nuances of the ceremony, and am familiar with what I will have to do."

"Then I have chosen well, Captain." Worf tells me, "My original Tawi'Yan had fallen ill, and I needed a replacement in a hurry."

He walks out, leaving me somewhat deflated.

Nevertheless, I'll have to invite all of Worf's male friends to a  Kal'Hyah, which is the equivilant of a stag and bachelor party, held on the eve of the wedding.

 Even more awkward  is this line...In preparation for the wedding the bride must be approved by the Mistress of the groom's house. The Mistress they are referring to, I have discovered, is a long-time partner of the groom, who is not married to him. That will have to be Deanna Troi, who was with Worf for some time before he started going with Jadzia. There was a lot of fighting between the two women before they made peace.

Deanna will hit the roof!


I call her in, and tell her everything that will happen. I then get to her role as The Mistress.

"I'm no mistress!" she shouts, "You can fotget about that.

"But Deanna." I plead, ""You are the only other woman that Worf has had. He needs you to fill the role."

I tell her that as The Mistress, she will have to give Jadzia her approval. This makes Deanna smile.

"Not only that." I tell her, "According to Klingon Wedding Lore, the Mistress will be the person who will perform the wedding ceremony."

Deanna is shocked, but laughs our loud.

To be continued....

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Vacation Dislikes

As many of us are on vacation around this time, TWQ (the Weekend Question) is asking about what part of it you're not keen on.

What part of your vacation always annoys you? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Embarkation and disembarkation at airports or on cruises.

* Queues on motorways (freeways), particularly if they have been caused by road repairs.

* No places to park cars.

* High priced hotels for poor quality rooms that are little value for money.

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Britney & T'Pol The Celebrities (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

I hope Britney can come up with something in this television interview, or the two of us are forever doomed to be celebriries, chased by the Federation paparazzi. The worst thing is that using beaming technology, they can get to where we are going before we do!

It started when we did a photoshoot for Galactic Picture Magazine. Since it's publication, everyone has been chasing us, and asking very personal questions about Brit and myself.

The two of us encountered Marion, the assistant to Oprah18, the clone who will be interviewing us. From that point, Britney seemed to have an idea, though I have no idea what it is.


We walk on to the set, with the people cheering. Oprah18 has already introduced us and we sit down.

"Well, you are two very unusual young ladies" she starts, "Is it true that you met in the brig of the USS Enterprise?"

"Yeah." answers Brit, who is wearing her blonde wig and red spandex outfit, "I guess we warmed to each other right away. The two of us were both rebels in a way, TPol from another universe, and me from Delta, having to learn to cope with a different sort of life on the Enterprise."

"Indeed." says Oprah18, "Yet despite your reputation for insubordination, the two of you have saved the day in many ways, such as from the counterculture group The Dregs of Society and from an amazonian tribe known as the Virago."

 "We've had our moments." I tell her, "We couldn't have accomplished it without the help of each other."

"Which leads me to my next question." Oprah18 comments slyly, as if she is coming to the real reason we are here, "Now due to a magazine, you are celebriries, and clearly together. You must be strong friends and have a good relationship. I've heard that you're involved with each other and are blissfully in love. Is that true?"

I am stunned by the directness of the question, and the audience lean forward, as if keen to hear the answer. I feel like I'm in a Coliseum, surrounded by lions who haven't eaten for a long while.

"You mean in the same way you and Marion are involved?" Britney asks her sharply.

Oprah18 goes red and is momentarily shocked, as if she has been caught smoking behind the bikesheds.

"Stop the cameras!" she orders to the bewildered studio producer, and looks at us, "Come with me!"

"Now look you two!" she tells us angrily, "If you breathe a word of this to anyone, you're finished as celebrities. I can bribe the studio audience to keep quiet. I'm the most powerful woman in Galacticwood. You'll never be wanted by magazines or tv again if you say anything."

"Really?" Brit tells her, "Well in that case, our price for keeping quiet is to put the word out to everyone not to have anything to do with us again. We don't want to be celebrities."

Oprah18 looks puzzled, as if it doesn't make any sense. "In that case, I agree to your terms."

We walk out, pleased with the result.

"How did you know about Marion and Oprah18?" I ask Britney.

"Sistah." she replies, "Your gaydar sensors just weren't operating. I knew the clone didn't want anyone to know, even in this day and age, as she prides herself with her husband and children.. I could tell that Marion was a little secret she had."

"Surely it wasn't right to bring up something as secret as that, Brit?" I ask, "After all, it was highly personal."

"Of course it wasn't right, sweetie!" she laughs, "If Oprah18 wasn't so uptight about it all, she could have laughed it off an no one would have batted an eyelid. Her prejudices and determination to keep what after all is quite common in the 24th century secret backfired on her and helped us. Now let's go and celebrate with a drink at The Pink Klingon before going back to the Enterprise."


A day later, we are back on the Enterprise, talking to Captain Picard.

"How odd." he says, "The Federation channels were full of stories about you two, then just after you went for the recorded tv interview everything stopped. It looks like no one was interested anymore. The paparazzi, tv, anyone, just didn't want to know."

"Ah well." Brit answers, "That's showbiz."

Monday, August 09, 2010

Britney & T'Pol The Celebrities (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Things haven't been easy for T'Pol and myself since we were featured in a photoshoot in the Galactic Picture Magazine. Since then, we have been instant celebriries, with the Federation Paparazzi chasing us everywhere we go, and asking intrusive questions about the relationship between T'Pol and I.

To make matters worse, we are about to be interviewed in a galaxy wide tv show...


"We're in a right jam here, Brit." T'Pol tells me, "The bigger celebrities we become, the worse it will be for us. Before long, we'll get interviewed by the Romulans and Klingons!"

"I agree, hun." I tell her, "This celebrity nonsense ends here. We've got to stop it so we can go back to out normal lives on the Enterprise."

We enter the tv studio and are greeted by a young woman armed with a clipboard.

"Hello Britney and T'Pol." she says to us, "Welcome to the studio. I'm Marion. As you know, the two of you will be interviewed by Oprah18, a clone of the original model. She is the 18th in the series, and as a result, the show has been going in the late 20th century. I'm her personal assisistant."

"Do you like working with her?" I casually ask.

"Oh I love being with her!" she gushes, "Oprah18 and I have been together for the last six years."

After that, she skips off to the dressing room marked Oprah18.

T'Pol turns around to look at me.

"What's going on, Brit?" she asks with a smile, "I can tell when your mind is working on something."

"Let's see, sistah." I tell her, "This might be a long shot."

A few moments later, while we are preaied to come onto the interview set, we see Oprah18 walking towards there, with her entourage.

"Good evening everybody." she announces when the cameras start rolling, "Tonight we have two extraordinary young women with us. One is from the planet Delta, there anything goes and everyone is bald, the other comes from the mirror universe in the 22nd century. They met on the Enterprise in the brig, fixed a very special relationship, and are now celebries because of their recent photoshoot. Here we have....Britney and T'Pol!"

The applause and cheers ring out from the audience.

"Here we go, sweetie." T'Pol whispers to me.

To be continued.....

Saturday, August 07, 2010

TWQ: Weekend Luxuries

This week TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about what you like regarding the weekend.

What do you like doing when the weekend is here? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Being in bed for a long time
Blog story scripting
Talking to friends on the telephone
Having the time to arrange things for the future, such as theatre visits etc

Now it's over to you...

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Britney & T'Pol The Celebrities (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

My sweetie Britney and I may have made a mistake.

The two of us agreed to do a photospread for Galactic Picture Magazine. Since it has been published, we have become instant celebrities, besieged by paparazzi wherever we go, and being asked all sorts of personal questions.


"What are we gonna do, sistah?" Brit asks me pleadingly, whle in our hotel bedroom, "We can hardly go to the Forever time portal and undo the photo session we took."

"You're right." I concur, "We're going to have to work this one out ourselves...and live with the consequences. Still, maybe the media have lost interest in us by now? We could be yesterday's news?"

"Yeah." Britney concludes, "What say we take a walk out now and see if the paparazzi have found someone new to hound."

The two of us step out, although Brit hardly helps by wearing a micro mini dress.

"Britney!" I whisper, "The photographers will spot you from miles away wearing a dress like that!"

"If I can't wear what I like, honey." she complains, "We are in trouble. Besides, some have been looking at you in that old 23rd century starfleet uniform."

She has a point. We walk about 100 yards down the main road. There are no photographers anywhere.

"See what I mean, Brit?" I tell her, "The galactic press have lost interest. They've probably heard some movie couple are splitting up and have gone to park around therir house."

"IT'S BRITNEY AND T'POL!!" shouts someone in the distance. Suddenly, like a herd of buffaloes, reporters and cameramen descend on us. We start running away as fast as we can, with a blaze of questions following from behind.

"Are you going to do another photoshoot?"

"Is it true you are both insubordinate on the Enterprise?"

"Did you two meet when in the brig?"

"Is it true you share the same quarters?"

"Do you love each other?"

We duck into a nearby hotel and ask the doorman not to let the reporters in. The two of us go in the ladies. Britney puts on her emergency outfit on that was put in her handbag. How she got it in there, I don't know.

She gives me another of her wigs, and after I buy a cheap dress in the hotel shop, the two of us look unrecognisable.

"That should do it, Brit." I tell, "We should be able to get around without being bothered."

"Yeah." she answers, "But whar are we gonna do when we go on television for the galaxy-wide broadcast interview?"

To be continued after the TWQ....

Monday, August 02, 2010

Britney & T'Pol The Celebrities (Part One)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

The Galactic Picture Magazine has just been published. It contains the photospreads that the photographer did of me and my soulmate T'Pol when he came aboard the Enterprise recently.

As it was predicted it would cause a media reaction, Captain Picard has given is both temporary shore leave when we get interviewed by the press.

"Here we go, Brit." T'Pol says to me as we are in the Transporter Room, "I wonder what it will be like being celebrities?"

"We'll soon find out, sistah." I reply, and we beam down to the point where the media are due to meet us.

We appear in  front of hundreds of cameras, everybody jostling in front of each other, each of them trying to ask a question. The noise gets so loud we can't hear anything, and we yell at them to pipe down.

I have come in my red mini skirt, black/red socks, silver wig. It looks useful that I've armed myself with my umbrella, just in case any of them come too near. One of them shouts "Undo the top button of your blouse, Britney!" . He promptly gets a whack on the head, and the others refrain from asking me any others like that.

Other photographers are concentrating on T'Pol, who came in a long black dress. She is posing in front of the ocean.