Guinan At The Bar

Guest Poster: Guinan









Anybody who thinks I just serve the drinks on the Enterprise is sadly mistaken. I have to listen to all the sob stories that the people want to give out.

I know what you are thinking. Haven't they got a Counselor to deal with that? Of course they have, but many people feel like pouring out their woes while under the influence of alcohol, rather than lying on the hard surface of Deanna Troi's sofa in her office.

I can't say I blame them. "I don't want to talk to him again."...."He is seeing another woman"...."I think my wife doesn't love mer any more."...."I don't think he wants to marry me."...yes, I've had things like that every night.

The worst thing is when the Counselor herself comes in spouting her problems! She, of all people should know better!

"I'm not sure if Will still loves me, Guinan." she starts, while eating her chocolate drink.

"I'm sure he does." I answer.

"Then why doesn't he put a ring on my hand?" she snaps back, "I want to be a married woman, I want to have children, I want..."

At this stage she bursts into tears, and I hand her a tissue. I tend to carry a box around with me nowadays for occasions such as these.

"Deanna." I say, consoling her, "He has an important role right now."

"You mean I'm secondary, and I'll never get married until he leaves Starfleet?" she wails.

Ooops. Wrong turning there.

"Not at all." I say quickly, "Hell soon be Captain of another ship, "Then he'll want to take you there as his new wife."

"You...you think so." she sniffs.

"Of course." I lie.

Deanna walks off, having ate her ice cream and satisfied with my answer.

Will Riker comes in ten minutes later.

"Guinan." he asks, "Have you seen Deanna?"

"Yes, she was having an ice cream here ten minutes ago." I say, not mentioned what she and I were talking about.

"Is she all right?" he asks, "She has seemed a little distant lately."

"Deanna will be all right." I tell him, "Get her a nice necklace and tell her that you are looking in the Starfleet Vacancies column in the Galactic Gazette. It might cheer her up."

Riker looks puzzled, but agrees, leaving Ten Forward.

Time to clean the bar before the next lot of problems arrive!

Looking Through CVs

Guest Poster: Will Riker

 Captain Picard has given Deanna and myseklf the unenviable task of looking through any applicants who want to join Starfleet. Though this is essentiallt done by the Academy, they thought we might be able to get a good idea of potential good students by looking through their CVs.

"These are a right shower, Deanna." I say disgustedly, "I doubt any of these will make it through the Academy, let alone get on a starship. They have no idea about how to write clearly.



"I know what you mean." answers Deanna Troi, "Listen to this one....I want to join Starfleet cuz I want to meet to meet lotz of sexy alien women."

"That's nothing." I reply, "James T Kirk said those very words on his CV when he applied to join. Still, times were different then."

"Quite so." Deanna answers, "He also adds....I also wanna blow up lots of evil aliens with my photon torpedoes."

"Perhaps we could put him in the diplomatic corps?" I slyly suggest.

"...If you want a galaxy war within a week!"  Deanna laughs. She takes a sip of her drinking chocolate, and I drink my coffee and eat my donut.

"Here's another one." I say, "She has sent her picture."





"She says....My name is Kara Thrace, although some call me Starbuck and want to be a pilot in Starfleet. I come from Caprica and was the top fighter pilot there. Give me a chance to prove myself.     She seems promising material, Deanna."

"I'm not sure, Will"  Deanna replies, "She looks a little too individual and wild for my liking.....listen to this other one...I want to be part of Starfleet for the glamour, the glory and the girls. If I save the universe a few times, then it's a bonus."

"That one is a real egotist." I tell her, "We don't want his sort in Starfleet."

"Then you'd better pack your bags, Will." laughs Deanna, "It was what you put on your CV many years ago."

Starfleet Redundancies (Part Three)

With all the talk of redundancies in Starfleet, the crew have been thrown into a right panic. Rumours abound be for the chop after the Evaluator talks to them in the one-to-one meeting that will come up for all of them. Things are now even more frantic, as he has now arrived on board.

------------

We go to ingratiate ourselves with the Starfleet Evaluator.



"Hello" I say, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard" I say, giving him my hand to shake. He doesn't respond.

"I'm George Smith, the Chief Starfleet Evaluator." he says coldly, "Please take me to a room where I may conduct the one-to-one meetings. I shall want to talk with all your senior staff, beginning with you, Captain Picard."

As we walk there, Riker beckons me aside.

"That's difficult, sir." the Commander comments, "He is known as Shredder Smith for the ruthless way in which he has downsized key departments in Starfleet."




"Perhaps I ought to wear this short skirt?" Deanna suggests, "It might help."

"Deanna." replies Riker, "Even if you went in there naked, I don't think it would make any difference to Shredder Smith."

-------

Eventually, Smith says he is ready. I go in to sit down, and find that my chair has been lowered, and the Evaluator's is significantly raised, so that he looks down on me.

"Now then, Captain" he starts, "You have been with Starfleet for some time. "You could take voluntary redundancy. It would save trouble for someone else."

"I don't intend to do that." I say sharply, "I like the position I have and don't want to be pushed out."

"That's not a good attitude to take, Captain." Smith replies, "Starfleet needs to make necessary restructuring in order to make itself leaner and better."

"Restructuring is another word for getting rid of people." I aggressively tell him, "There will be less people to do the same work. Starfleet will suffer in how it functions. Why don't YOU take voluntarily redundancy."

"I am always needed." Smith comments smugly.

"And Starfleet Captains are not?" I reply.

Smith writes a lot on his form and sends me out.



"How did you do?" Bev asks.

"I may need to go into SickBay." I answer, "I think I've shot myself in the foot."

--------------

Over the next few hours, all the senior staff go in, and come out with a tired and harassed look. Eventually, Shedder Smith gathers us up in the Ready Room to discuss the results.

"I have found that a lot of the work here is duplicated, or could be centralised." he starts, "There are certain staff that  have been here too long, we are using for carriage, and duties where a planet could do on their own for a lot less money."

Everyone listens in close.

"I have therefore selected the following senior staff for redundancy. Captain Jean-Luc Picard, Alyssa Orgawa, T'Pol, Lieutenant Britney, Lieutenant Jennifer Baxter, Seven of Nine, Commander Jadzia Dax and Counselor Deanna Troi."

We are all stunned.  What shall we do now?

To be continued.....

Starfleet Redundancies (Part One)

Our communications have broken down over the few past few days while we were in deep space. It was also Christmas, so we were too busy opening pressies and having drinks, rather than getting everything fixed.

Now that Christmas is over, and everybody is sober, we have been able to set up the systems again. I hope nothing important has happened. It's not likely to, as the United Federation of Planets and Starfleet tends to close down over the period.

I look at my video viewer backlog. There have been no calls except from Admiral Bullock with the Title "URGENT: PLEASE RESPOND!"

Oh dear, this sounds bad.  I call back, although I know I'm going to regret it.



"Where the blazes have you been, Picard?" Admiral Bullock demands to know.

I explain to him what happened. He snorts back.

"More likely giving each other presents and getting drunk if I know the Enterprise." he says to himself, "Anyway, I need to tell you the information that came from Starfleet Headquarters on Christmas Eve."

"What's that, sir?" I ask.

"The President has decreed that a number of crew need to lose their jobs. We have too many on the starships, which are costing a lot to build." Bullock answers.





"I thought money didn't exist any more, sir?" I ask, puzzled.

"Get real, Picard!" Bullock sneers, "How do you think we build them? With cookies that girl scouts sell? All planets in the UFP have to contribute. Costs are increasing, and we need to lay off people...from the lowerst crewman right up to some of the Captains."

"What about the Admirals?" I ask Admiral Bullock.

"Oh, we have decreed that they are too important to lose, so they will keep their positions." he tells me rather smugly, "A visitor will come to talk to each of you to see if you are worthy of staying on."

"...or just dead wood." I add sarcastically.

"That attitude will get you nowhere, Picard." Bullock comments, "Besides, you could always leave voluntarily."

"I don't intend to!" I answerr sharply.

"So be it." Bullock answers, and switches off the video viewer. Riker comes in.



"What's going on, Captain?" he asks, seeing the ridged furrows of my brow that makes me look like a Klingon.

"We've got trouble, Number One." I tell him, "Big trouble."

To be continued.......

After The Party

This year, I was determined to wake up after the Enterprise Christmas Party without an enoumous hangover. Before, I've found others like the Borg Queen sitting in my Command Chair looking after things when I got to the Bridge.

Not this time.




"Have these." Bev suggets, giving me a bottle of pills when I wake up in our quarters with a sound noiser than the Notre Dame Cathedral ringing in my ears, "It will completely suppress the hangover you have and return you to normal."

I consume four of them quickly,  and suddeenly feel very different. Alert and bright again.

"Err, Jean-Luc." she says with a worried look, "You were only supposed to have one of those pills. They are largely experimental, we don't know about side effects and..."

"Never mind!" I say, with a spring in my step, "I'm off to look after the Bridge. Wow! I feel so much better now!"

On the way there, I see crewmen staggering around, as if their heads have been hit by a shovel.

When I get to the Bridge,  Riker looks barely awake.



"WAKEY, WAKEY, NUMBER ONE!" I yell out ou, laughing. This causes Riker to suddenly shoot up, hold his head in pain and collapse unconsious.

The Borg Queen, in the Command Chair shows surprise.



"Well I am intrigued." she says, "Usually you are too worn out to assume command and have a massive hangover, so I have to run the ship for a while. You are quite different this year."

"That's because I've had these pills, Queenie." I explain, "I feel I've got a fantastic amount of energy and could stay awake for a week."

"Most curious." she comments.

"Yes, so thanks for helping." I tell her, "But we won't need you to command until I recover this year."

"Very well, Jean-Luc." Queenie smiles, as she gets ready to leave., "Just be careful all your energy doesn't burn up in one go. Your body could wear out very soon."

"That's not gonna happ..." I start to say, before I feel my body falling to the floor, and me ready to board a First Class train to the Land of Nod.

I just about hear Queenie sighing as she turns round and goes towards the Command Chair again.

Christmas Party Planning

With the senior staff all gathered in my Ready Room, we are all assembled for the most important meeting of the year. To discuss plans for the Enterprise Christmas Party.

"Would anyone like to put their suggestions to where it should be held this year?" I ask. This is a neat way of passing the buck to the others as I haven't an idea myself.

"Definitely not in a gay bar like we did last year!" Worf gruffly barks out.



"Why not!!" yell out Lieutenant Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol almost together.

"I was approached by a young man named Nigel." answers a reddening Worf, as his wife Jadzia laughs next to him, "He suggested that I go outside and see his phaser gun. Naturally, I declined, but he still occasionally sends me messages."

Somehow, I resist the urge to laugh out loud, and see Annika Hansen is about to stand. I wonder which consiousness is dominating her?



"It must take place in a Borg Cube or at the very least a holographic representation of it ." she answers in her firm Seven voice, "The Borg Queen will expect an invitation, so it is rightful you maker her seem at home, especially as we Borg have extended a truce..."

She stops, sits down and starts talking to herself. It's clear that her Annika consiousness is having a few things to say about her suggestions.

"Can't we just have it in a holographic night club?" Will Riker suggests, "After all, it is the Enterprise Christmas Party. Visitors will just have to accept it the way it is."

"I agree, Will." pipes up Deanna, plus a few other individuals.

"Very well." I decide, "We will have the party on Monday 5th November in a holographic nightclub."

"The Queen will not like this." mumbles Annika in her Seven voice.

"Yes she will, Seven." I retort, "I think the Borg Queen knows how to enjoy a party a lot more than you do. If you don't like it, loosen up and let Annika enjoy it. This will be her first Enterprise Christmas Party."

Seven goes out in a huff.

I'm sure I'm sowing the seeds for more Party disasters.

The Betazoid Conference (Part Four)

Editor's Note:

Apologies again. This should have been in last week. Blogger are playing up.




Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I've got a bad telepathic feeling about what is happening outside the conference hall.

All of the delegates are in total silence, but the room is still abuzz with speeches, as it is all done telephathically. It's like tuning in to a radio with lots of stations going on at the same time. The trouble is, my mind is tuned to another station outside.

It involves Will Riker and Lynne Shelloi, who was my deadly rival as a teenager. She stole all my boyfriends from me at the time, and looks set to do the same with Will.

Not if I can help it. I shuffle off from the back of the hall just as the delegates are going to have a vote on what will be the Protected Bird of Betazoid, the Woody Wood Pigeon, or the Fanta Orangebird.

Emerging into the daylight, I go towards the pool and find Will is not there. I grab the lifeguard, threatening to throttle him until he tells me he went a walk with a 'blonde girl'.

Using my mind to hone in, I start to get nearer, and feel the voices.

"Do you want to come to my apartment, Will?"

"I really can't, Lynne."

Good. That's saved Will from getting two black eyes at least.

Eventually, I come upon them.



"Ah, there you are, Deanna," smiles Lynne, "I knew you were following us. Your telepathy is pretty good in managing to locate us, despite only being a half Betazoid."





"Stay away from us, Lynne." I warn her, "I'm not that weak Betazoid you used as a doormat when we were teenagers."

"From what I heard about you and men, you had 'Welcome' printed on you, my little doormat!" retorts Lynne.

I blow a fuse, and the two of us go into a catfight, with Will standing a discreet distance away. We pull at each other's hair, then kick and scratch. Eventually, we grapple and roll over. I bash her head against the ground underneath.

I'm about to deal the winning blow...at least I think I am...when three security officers come and separate us. The one in charge tells Lynne and I that we can either both go to jail or be expelled from the planet the conference is held at.

"Well the conference is pretty boring." I decide, "So I'm off. Come on, Will."

Lynne gets up, tends to the scratches on her body and starts to go off to her ship, which is in a different direction.

"Beware, Deanna." she telepathically tells me, "I'll get my hands on Will sometime when you're not around. You'd better keep a close eye on him."

I ignore here warning and march off, holding Will tightly, but with a grain of worry at the back of my mind.

The Betazoid Conference (Part Three)

Editor's Note:

This was meant to be in last week, but Blogger changed it to draft!





Guest Poster: Will Riker

Deanna has just been rushed into the Betazoid Conference, but warned me before of Lynne Shelloi, a notorious maneater from her teenage years who used to steal all her boyfriends. Lynne has been seen here.

Personally, I think Deanna is overreacting over what happened years ago. Anyway, I'll be wary. Right now I'm going to lounge by the pool.

-------------

I'm now by the sunbed, wearing my shades, outfit, and drinking a pina colada and eating a donut while we all have a good time. It's great to get a chance to catch the rays.

Suddenly, a shadow looms over my body.

"Well, if it isn't Will Riker!"




The alarm bells start ringing as I see the shape, figure and face of Lynne Shelloi. It's like the Enterprise going on to red alert.

"Errr...hello Lynne..." I stutter.

"Now don't be alarmed, Will." she laughs, "I'm not going to ravish you....unless you want me too! Deanna has been spreading a few untruths about me. Her ex-boyfriends used to say that she put therm off her, and came to me instead. Say...do you want a donut?"

My eyes light up when she gives me the donut. "I love them." she tells me, "I can see you do too. I bet Deanna tells you off and says something like they are too fattening. Well I say, you only live once, so enjoy it as much as possible."

I have to agree with her there.

"The Conference will be on for a good few hours yet." Lynne tells me, "Shall we go for a walk around until then?"

"Well...I" I say hesitantly.

"Go on." coaxes Lynne, "You're not shackled to Deanna awaiting her beck and call are you?"

"Certainly not!" I reply indignantly.

"Well, come on then,." Lynne says with a beaming smile, "Let's take that walk."

I get up, and we walk away, Lynne grabbing my hand to hold as we do.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing?

To be continued after the TWQ......

The Betazoid Conference (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

I pace up and down the hotel carpet floor over and over in the room that Will Riker and I are sharing.

"Relax, Deanna!" Will says, "There is no need to get so tense about everything!"

"You think so?" I exclaim, "We arrive on Faros V for the Betazoid Conference, and who should be here but my greatest rival Lynne Shelloi, who stole all my boyfriends when we were teenagers. She's after you, Will., and she'll get you, I know she will!"



"Now she won't!" Will answers firmly, "You've told me to be on my guard against Lynne Shelloi. She won't get her claws into me. Now you go to the Conference and have a good time while I relax."

I then realise how silly I am.



"You're right, I'm just overreacting after seeing my old rival." I say, "She's probably completely changed. We might end up being friends!"

"That's more like it, Deanna!" Will says, "Now go and enjoy the first Conference while I relax by the pool. Let's hear no more about Lynne Shelloi."

I put on my Conference outfit and get ready to go out.

"Now have a good time while I'm with the other telepaths." I say, then head off toiwards the hall.

As I reach the door, I am greeted by Lynne Shelloi.



"Hello again Deanna." she says in a friendly manner before changing her tone, "Enjoy the Conference. While you're in there, I'll be stealing your man Will Riker. You know I can, as well, don't you?"

The rush of people entering in the Hall prevents me coming out. The officials won't let me out again, as I see Lynne walk away casually in the direction of the hotel pool, where Will is.

To be continued after the TWQ.....

The Betazoid Conference (Part One)

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi

"Well I don't know why you want me along." protests Will Riker as we travel in a shuttle to Faros V, "After all, this is a Betazoid conference, strictly for members of your mother's race. Chances are I won't hear anything as you'll be talking in telepathy."

"You may well be right, Will." I reply, "But when it comes to the night time, after the conferences, this particular Betazoid isn't going to be stuck for something to do." I giggle saucily, and Will laughs along.

"NOW I know why I'm here." he smiles, "Quite a sound reason if you ask me. Err...is your mother going to be there?"

"Don't worry, Will." I reply, "My mother can't attend as she has to attend a wedding of a friend in another sector. She had to go to a spa to get her body in shape, as all weddings are conducted without clothes, even those who are guests."

Will sounds relieved. I can't say I blame him. It means we will have the conferences to ourselves, with no one interfering at night.

"When I was a teenager." I say, "My mother was always checking on my boyfriends. Not that I had them for very long."

"Why not." Will asks, "Did your mother drive them away?"

"No." I confess, "Most of the time, it was another teenage girl by the name of Lynne Shelloi. That girl always stole my boyfriends deliberately. I despised her."



"Forget about her. In that case, here's to a good time on Faros V!" he says, and we kiss.

-------------

A few hours later, we land, and are greeted by a Betazoid official.

"Welcome, welcome, Miss Troi." he says telepathically, in an overenthusiastic manner, "I'm sure you will have a great time at the conference." He then realises that Will cannot hear him and talks to him, "We also have plenty of non-conference activities for you, or you can lie by the pool in the sun."

"Well, well, well" says a familar voice in my head, one I had been dreading to hear for years, "If it isn't Deanna Troi!"

I turn round and see the predatory sight of Lynne Shelloi.



"Lynne.." I stutter.

"That's right." she responds telepathically, and looks at Will, "Mmmm...you do have a hunk of a man...a non-Betazoid, too."

She then talks to Will.

"Hello, Will Riker." Lynne says, "I found your name by reading your mind. I'm Lynne Shelloi, and am the singer at these confedrences. Providing the entertainment. I'll be seeing a lot of you while I'm here, I'm sure. Bye for now, Deanna and Will."

She winks, and saunters off, doing a provactive walk.

"That woman is trouble." I tell Will.

To be continued...

Annika On The Enterprise (Part One)

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

Getting used to a starship like the Enterprise is taking some time, despite the help I've had from many of it's crewmembers. After spending so long in Unimatrix Zero, the real world is something very different. My shared consiousness Seven of Nine, isn't a lot of help and will snort "Humans are irrelevent." at the most awkward times. As a result, it's me that says it.

I have been given Seven's old job in Astrometrics. She does give me tips occasionally, but if she is in a huff, and won't let her come to the fore in my consiousness every now and then, things can get very tricky.

Commander Riker comes up to me. He's not bad looking.



"Hello Annika." she says, "How are you doing on the Enterprise; do you like Astrometrics?"

"Fine, thank you, Commander." I reply, "Do you want to come to Ten Forward with me for a drink, then see the stars from my quarters?"

"Too direct!" warns Seven in my mind.

Riker goes red and nearly chokes on the donut he is eating at the time.

"Err...I'm really flattered." Riker answers, after gathering his thoughts, "Actually, Deanna Troi is my girlfriend, and am devoted to her."

"Such a pity." I say to myself, I think you would have liked my company. If you tire of Deanna, let me know."

"That won't happen, Annika." Riker comments, "But I appreciate the thought. Is it not time for your counselling session with Deanna?"

I look at the time, and head towards the office and knock on the door. Deanna is waiting for me.



"Hello, Annika." good to see you.

"Sorry I'm late, Counselor." I say, "I was just asking Commander Riker out on a date."

"Wrong!" shouts Seven in my consiousness, "Don't tell her that!"

"WHAT!" Deanna replies in a loud voice.

"It was all right." I quickly reply, "He turned me down, as he said he was devoted to you."

"Good job too." mutters the Counselor, "Look Annika, you can't go around asking men out when they are in another relationship."



"I understand." I reply.

Deanna sighs, as she seems to think this session will last a long time.

To be continued ...

Communication Breakdown (Part Two)

Right now, everything is in disarray throughout the Federation, and here on the Enterprise. Various races cannot talk to each other with the breakdown of the Universal Translator. Communication between all ships has broken down. This occured because Admiral Nakamura insisted a new and so-called improved system be fitted in.

We all know what the  result of this would be!

Riker, Data, Beverly and I gather together along with all the staff who can speak English. Deanna is with us. Although she usually speaks in Betazoid through the Translator, she knows enough of our language.



"What are we going to do, Captain." she says, although it tends to come out as "What um we do Cap?" in her attempt to speak English.

"I'm not sure yet." I answer, "It looks like it'll be down to us to save everything again."

"It appears thart the entire system was short circuited by the influx of information that was downloaded into it." analyses Data, "As a result, the memory bank of languages in the Universal Translator was deleted. and communications between ships failed as a result."



"That's a huge loss" Annika comments, then in her Seven voice gruffly says, "Who did this should be assimilated."

"Sorry about that." apologises, Annika, "Although I'm in agreement with my other self on this. It's a massive mistake that wasn't tested before."

"Actually, there may well be an answer." Data ventures to say, "If I download all my communication knowledge into the empty Universal Translator, it should restore things. My positronic brain has the vocabulary of every language in existance."

"No!" cries out Jennifer Baxter, "You can't do this, Data!"

"It sounds dangerous, Mr Data." I warn him, "Such a copy would be huge and may damage both you and the Universal Translator."

"There doesn't seem to be an alternative solution, Captain." Riker reminds me.

As a result, we get ready to open the circuit to Data's head.



"Are you ready, Data.?"asks Geordi, who flips the lid of his friend's head up like he is about to look at a car engine. He attaches a long wire to the Universal Translator computer and flicks the switch,.

Immediately, Data's eyes start revoilving around,  and starts babbling away in various languages I've never heard before. After about five minutes, he comes to a halt and his eyes stop moving.

"Are you all right, Mr Data?" I ask hesitatingly.

He starts:

"Mary had a little lamb, it's fleece was snow, and everywhere that Mary went, that lamb was sure to ...Q'Pla!" Her carries on saying languages at the same speed he did earlier, with his eyes going round. Eventually he stops again.

"Data?"

He opens his eyes.

"Hello, Captain. I trust it was all successful. Hello Jennifer. Why are you looking so pleased?"

"Yeah, that's Data all right." Geordi comments sarcastically.

Communication has been restored throughout the Federation, and the Universal Translator is restored. It's a pleasure to hear Worf and Deanna clearly..

Hopefully, whoever suggested the update is being well and truly carpeted by the President of the Federation!

Communication Breakdown

"I don't know why we need to do it." I protest to Admiral Nakamura, who is visiting the Enterprise.

"Change is essential." states the pint-sized official, "If we are to keep up as a force in this changing universe. It has been years since the communication system was administered, Picard. The new one will be far better."

"I always say 'If at ain't broke, don't fix it', Admiral." I mutter to him.



"Now that's just the sort of backward-thinking we are trying to discourage, Picard." Nakamura angrily tells me, "We want to look to the future, "If the world were full of people lioke you, we wouldn't have got as far as the telephone. Activation of the new system throughout the whole of Starfleet will commence in ten minutes."

He strides off.

"Is Shorty causing more trouble, sir? Riker asks me.

"Yes he is, Number One." I answer, "The trouble is, the system is untested. They are going to throw the switch and assume all communication will be faster, especially the Universal Translator."



"But what if.....?"  Riker starts to say.

"Yes," I reply, "What if....?"

--------------

A few minutes later, the Admiral proudly flicks the switch. Lights buzz on brightly, then all off.

The Admiral starts talking a strange language, which I later realise is Japanese. He can't understand my English voice either. The Universal Translator has broken down!

I try and communicate with other ships, but there is no answer. All connection in Starfleet has juddered to a halt and we can't understand each other!



Worf strides up and spouts some incomphehensible Klingon dialogue

" jIH ta'laHbe' nuq 'oH ja'ta'".   (note: "I can't understand what anyone is saying.")


Then...


"lI'be!"    (note: "Useless!"

We've got to try and get things back to how they were, otherwise the Federation is doomed.

To be continued.....

Queenie's Warning

"Borg Cube on sensors." Data tells me, "A message is incoming. The Borg Queen wants to talk to us."

I roll my eyes. Is she chasing me? I know Queenie has the hots for me, but this is ridiculous.

Her image comes on the screen.



"Locutus." she says firmly, "It is urgent that I speak with your senior staff as soon as possible. A matter has come up that is of grave consequence."

I tell her to beam on board right away.

"I wonder what she wants this time."  Riker asks me.

"I don't know, Number One." I reply, "But when she wants to speak to all of us, it's not good news. When she is just chasing me, at least I know where I am!"

About fifteen minutes later, the senior staff are assembled in my Ready Room. All eyes are on the Borg Queen, as we are curious about what she is going to say.

"A few days ago." she begins, "My Cube was on a routine assimilation mission outside Federation space. We locked on a small transportation vessel. Though there were only a few humans on it, we assimilated them to keep our monthly quota up for the report we give to the Alpha Borg Queen."



"I seem to have lost the thread." Deanna comments, "What is all this leading to?"

"Be patient, Deanna." Queenie answers, "It will all become clear. Now where was I? Oh yes. We were assimilating this small group. One person in particular wasn't keen on it. After his consiousness entered the Hive Mind, we knew why. He was Agent R from Section 31."

Suddenly I look up, alerted to the name of the secret group that operates within Starfleet. "Them? What did he know."

"Apparently, none of them know each other's name except that of Luther Sloan." Queenie answered, "They only get invited to meetings through whispers and notes with invisible ink slid under the door. They even do that for the Section 31 Christmas Dinner & Dance."



"Come on!" urges Lieutenant Britney, "I've forgotten the start of the story already!"

Queenie glares at Britnery and carries on.

"What we ascertained." she tellsa us, "Is recently there had been a meeting of Section 31 top staff. They were looking at suspect people here on the Enterprise who could be trouble to the Starfleet if not dealt with. Those discussed were Locutus, Guinan, Data, Lieutenant Britney, T'Pol and Seven of Nine. In principal, they were very disdainful of the Federation/Borg peace treaty that you and I had set up, Locutus."

Britney almost chokes on her chewing gum when her name is mentioned.

"What do they plan to do?" I ask.

"They want to restart a human/Borg war, Locutus." Queenie answers, "They think as we supposedly don't know they will wipe us out."

"But you DO know." I tell her, "And that will mean the annihilation of billions."

"Precisely." smiles the Queen, "That;'s why I'm here, "Section 31 need to be stopped."



"We have the upper hand." Riker says, "We know they are planning something."

"Yes, Number One, but we don't know what. Queenie, both our forces need to be on alert for any wrongdoing. By the way, should you catch them, you have my permission to assimilate them all."

"Thank you, Locutus." the Queen answers, "But I don't think we want their sort in the Hive Mind. They are far to despicable. We do have standards, after all. Instead, we'll just vaporise them."

"Fair enough" I laugh, as Queenie turns to walk out, back to her Cube.

"Can't have anything disrupting our alliance, can we Jean-Luc?" she whispers huskily out of earshot from the others.

Sigh. She never misses an opportunity.

Picard's Log Secretary (Part Two)

Editor's Note:

All comments in italics are written by Anna (Captain Picard's new Log Secretary) Any misspellings and grammatical errors are entirely due to her! I have correctly spelt (I hope) trhe words not issued by Anna.



Hi! I'm Anna, and I'm gonna be writing this log. naturally the Captin has alreddy told me wot to say, but I'm tiepin it all down now.

"What's the new girl like, Jean-Luc?" asks Bev quietly when she comes in. Anna continues to type.

The bloomin' cheek! That redhed talks like I'm not in the room! I can tell she's got the hots for old baldy. Wouldn't it be a shok if she came in and saw me sitting in his lap taking notes?

"She's fine I reply, "Although I must have a word with her about her dress sense. Her clothes are too short, and the way she buttons that blouse..."



"Do you want me to wear them?" giggles Bev, so that my Log Secretary doesn't hear.

"Don't you usually when no one is around?" I reply.

Will you pare get a room?? I have to sit hear and listen to these two at it all the time. He should have got sumone wiv poorer hearing.

Deanna and Will enter. Both look at Anna.



"Hello." Deanna says to Anna, "Do you like it here?"

"Yes, it's very pleasant." my Secretary replies in a neutral voice.

Here's anuvver cupple that go off with each other! The beardy guy and the dark haired woman spent the night together. You can see that this ship is like! Ho Ho!.

"She's not bad, sir." whispers Will in my ear.

There's anuvver eying me up!

 I need to unbutton my blouse a bit. It's too stuffy in here.



That's better.

I decide to go over and take a look at Anna's progress so far. I look horrified.

"What's this supposed to be, Anna?" I ask angrily.

"It's your official log, sir." Anna answers. I notice she has unbuttoned her blouse even more.

"You are not supposed to put your own thoughts into the log, or pictures of yourself!" I tell her, "It is meant to be my viewpoint, not my empty-headed secretary, who clearly has no idea about spelling, grammer or syntax."

What's he talking about tin tacks for? That's insultin to say I'm no good at spellin.

"Have you seen what she's said about you and me, Will?" calls out a frantic Deanna, "Bev, she's said a few things about you, too."

"Youi're fired, Anna!" I tell my Log Secretary, who shrugs her shoulders and picks up her make-up bag and departs.

"It's okay." she says as she walks out,  "An Admiral on Earth had asked me to be his Secretary and take the minutes at the meetings he attends."

"Those minutes that Anna produces should be most entertaining!" laughs Bev.

Deanna Abducted (Part Four)

Editors Note:

Deanna Troi has been abducted by an all-female group of mobsters named The SisterHood. These gangsters secretly control crininal activity in the city and in many other places, even into space. They have Deanna in order to replace the stripper that they liquidated as she tried to get away. Deanna has been practising in the club, The Girly GoGoBar, and is about to do her first performance as DeeDee Delmar. The Starfleet officers are trying to find the Counselor, but so far, no luck.



Guest Poster: Lieutenant Britney

"What are we doing around here., Brit?" asks T'Pol, "Deanna is hardly likely to be here, is she?"

"I know that, sweetie." I answer, "But Starfleet has hundreds of officers around. They won't miss a couple of us for half an hour."



"This must be the seediest part of San Francisco." my girlfriend complains, "Anyone wearing a flower in their hair would find it dead in seconds. Even the rats have moved out in pursuit of better accommodation."

We walk on till I find I building with a photo of a semi-naked dancer in front of it. The words 'THE GIRLY GO-GO BAR" are emblazoned on the front.

"I know we like it here, Brit." T'Pol points out, but why are we going here now?"

"Because I looked on my SpaceBook, and I read a message that a hot new dancer named DeeDee Delmar was starting tonight." I answer.

"Really?" T'Pol asks, "Then I guess we ought to be there to give her our support."

"Just what I was thinking!"" I smile, "Come on, let's go in."



The large auditorium is dark and smoky. There are many men and women all waiting for the first appearance of the new female performer.

"Ladies and gentlemen." announces a husky woman's voice over the intercom system, "The Girly GoGo Bar is proud to announce the first performance by our new artist, Miss DeeDee Delmar!"

We all cheer; being late arrivals, we are somewhat at the back. A statuesque brunette in a black dress comes on. She also has black stockings and long black gloves.

"She looks a hot one, Brit." laughs T'Pol. I agree. DeeDee effortlessly slides her gloves off and casts them away. The slow seductive music helps with the effect..

"Actually." remarks my friend, "She looks vaguely like someone we've met before. I can't place her. Let's get nearer the stage."



"Good grief!" I exclaim, "It's Deanna!". We rush forward. The Counselor is about to climb the pole wearing her underwear and stockings when she sees us. She gives us the deaf language sign of  'HELP ME'. Two burly heavies rush forward to intercept., but we kick the stage steps down and they fall. We grasp Deanna. I activate my Com. "This is Britney. Three to beam up!"

--------------

A few hours later, we are all talking with Casptain Picard.

"What I don't understand." asks the Captain to T'Pol and myself, "Is how you knew Deanna would be there in that club."

"Err..."  begins T'Pol.

"What she means, Captain." I interrupt, "Is that we err...shown her picture to a group around that area and they said she had been seen practising in the club."

"I see, most interesting." Picard comments, in a way that he doesn't believe our story, but is glad to have Deanna back.

"What about the SisterHood, Captain." Riker asks.

"They all scattered as soon as Deanna was taken., Number One." the Captain tells him, "The Girly GoGo Bar was empty when we investigated. They will reappear sometime. We need to destroy their crime syndicate."

"Come on, Will." says a tired Deanna, "Take me back to our quarters so I can sleep. Before I do, though, I want to show you a new dance I've learnt."

The two live the Ready Room. Picard raises his eyebrows, while T'Pol and I laugh out loud.