Sunday, August 31, 2008

Exploring In The Enterprise

Now that Wes and Karena are married, the Enterprise can get back to exploring the galaxy and defending the Federation against invading aliens.

Woe betide the galaxy if any aliens invade when a wedding takes place, or we have personal issues to sort out!

Come to think of it, the staff will have to have a discussion about the Enterprise Christmas Party soon.

I digress. Let's do some exploring. Starfleet will get mad if we don't.

I step on the Bridge, ready to lead the ship into new frontiers. Bev walks past and into the turbolift as I enter.

"Don't forget our date at 20:00 tonight in Ten Forward, Jean-Luc." she whispers, "I've bought a new dress."

"I'll be there, Bev." I whisper back, and she leaves in the turbolift.

All those on the Bridge turn their heads back to face the viewer as if they have not being listening.

Riker finishes eating his donut.

"Don't forget you have to be present at Ensign Britney's latest disciplinary at 10:00, Captain." Riker reminds me.

I groan.

"What's she done this time?" I reply in exasperation.

"Throwing bread rolls at Guinan in Ten Forward." Riker answers, "Guinan tells me she's going to sort that little madam out, as she puts it."

"It looks like we've got to placate the situation there, Number One." I conclude, "Where are we heading, Mr Data?"

"The Carva Sector, Captain." Data answers, "It is a completely unexplored part of the Quadrant."

"That's great!" I exclaim, "A chance to see some new things, make First Contact. Proceed there at Warp Eight."

After we have been going for an hour, the Warp engines gring to a halt.

I wince. Deanna tells me not to worry, and gives me a stress pill.

"What's going on Mr LaForge?" I ask on my ComBadge.

"The Warp Drive is all broken down, Captain," Geordi answers, "I can patch it together for a while, but it needs to be looked at properly at a Starbase."

"Where is the nearest one?"

"Starbase 27 is two light years away." Riker answers, "We can limp there and get fixed. It'll mean no exploring for a day or so."

Why does the Enterprise always break down just when we want it to do something interesting? The guarantee on the replacement parts has probably ran out as well.

Ah well, there is always another time.


Editor's Note:

The next post will be on Wednesday as I'm off to Brighton, so can only do two this week. This one and the Wednesday one is scheduled, so may not be able to comment on blogs.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

TWQ: Impolite People

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about your experiences with impolite people.

What difficulties have you had with rude and impolite people or with their children?

My answer is:

The best story I can remember is when on a flight back home from Russia, some French people all pushed their way in front of us in the queue out. One of our party had a real row with one of them. I would have joined the woman in supporting her, but felt gruesome at the time. The French eventually mumbled and grudgingly went to the back of the queue.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Wesley & Karena's Honeymoon (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Karena

My pumpkin Wesley Crusher and I are married. We have been spending our time at the Starlight Hotel on the planet Gemini II.

The two of us were errr.... celebrating our wedding when the Hotel Manager knocked on the door and interrupted us with a panic.

"The Taarl have invaded?" I ask, "Who are they when they are at home?"

"A most aggressive species." explains Mr Jackson, the Manager, "They have been threatening to invade for years, but now they've only just decided to do it. What they have done is sent a couple as scouts before the main ship comes."

"None of this was ever mentioned in the brochure." comments Wesley drily.

"Keep quiet, pumpkin." I order, and turn to Mr Jackson, "Are you saying everyone is evacuating because two aliens have landed? What if they fail to return?"

"Well, I suppose the main ship will think it too dangerous to invade."

"Right!" I answer, "Wes, where's my spear?"


A short time later, Wes and I are moving towards where the aliens have been reported.

"Do you think you should have taken a phaser instead, honeybunch?" asks Wes.

"No, Wes." I reply, "I find the thrill of using a spear far more....satisfying."

We get to a point and see one of the Taarl in the distance.

"He won't win in a Federation Beauty pageant." remarks Wes.

"Pumpkin." I say, "You go up to it and talk to it."

"What?" Wes replies, "It would want me for a meal!"

"You're just the diversion, Wes." I tell him, "Leave it up to me. We're a married couple. Trust the person you're married to."

Wes walks up up to the Taarl, and I move in the undergrowth, getting my spear in a good position to aim.

As Wes is in mid cringe to the Taarl, I let go my spear and ventilate the Taarl, who collapses on the floor, dead.

"That's for interrupting my honeymoon." I say as I sneer at the body. Then I look to Wes.

"Well done, pumpkin!" I exclaim, "We make a good team, let's get the other one."

Not long later, I return to the Hotel with a quaking Wes.

"You won't be having any more trouble with the Taarl." I tell the Manager, "Wes and I are going back to our suite to err....enjoy our honeymoon."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Wesley & Karena's Honeymoon (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

My new bride, the amazon Karena and I are on our honeymoon on the planet Gemini II at the Starlight Hotel.

After our altercation with the weird receptionist, we are on our way to our room.

"This room had better be good." says Karena to see as we stride to the suite, "Otherwise I'll be back to that reception and he won't know what's hit him."

I can well believe that.

We open the door and observe.

After a moment, Karena looks around.

"This will be sufficient."

I should think so; it has a sunken bath, sonic shower, jacuzzi, a huge bed and....well the list goes on.

Karena lies on the bed.

"My dearest Life Servant." she starts, "Do you not think....."

"What, Karena?" I reply.

"Well, we are on honeymoon."

"Oh." I say in realisation.


Several hours pass....

And then a lot more....

And even more....


Suddenly the two of us are disturbed by a frantic knocking on the door.

I rush to answer it, greatly annoyed. I almost thought of grabbing Karena's spear.

I open the door quickly; there had better be a good reason for this. I was just....well, never mind what I was just doing.

I see it's Mr Jackson, the Hotel Manager.

"What do you think you're doing?" I ask, "Can't you see the 'do not disturb' sign on the door?"

"I'm really sorry." he answers apologetically, "But we have to evacuate the Hotel. The Taarl have invaded."

To be continued...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Wesley & Karena's Honeymoon (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

Having just married my honeybunch Wesley Crusher, the two of us are on our honeymoon.

We have programmed our shuttlecraft to take us to Gemini II, one of the most popular planets in the galaxy for couples on their honeymoon.

I must admit that it was very useful to have the computer plot the course to take us. Wes and I were too busy err.... celebrating our marriage in the back of the shuttle.

"Gemini II within range." states the computer.

Drat. It was just getting interesting. I'm sure the computer did that just to stop the fun.

Wes and I touch down just outside the honeymoon complex. I get my spear and we head out.

"Do you think we need that, pumpkin?" he asks me, "After all, we're on our honeymoon, not a starship Away Team."

"You never know when we'll need it, Wes." I answer, and we head to the hotel.

Once we enter the Starlight Hotel, we walk to the reception. The man standing there looks rather strange, blond, with a moustouche and dark blazer, like something men on earth might have worn in the late 20th century.

"I'm Karena, and this is my husband Wesley Crusher." I inform him, "We are here for our honeymoon."

"I bet you are, I bet you are, nudge nudge, say no more." he answers.

"Sorry." asks Wes, "I don't know what you mean, just show us to our room."

"Oh yes." the receptionist continues, "Quiet room, lots of privacy, say no more, nods as good as a wink."

At this stage, Wes and I are getting a little irritated.

"Look." I say, gripping my spear firmly, "We're here for a quiet honeymoon, we'll have a 'do not disturb' on our door and..."

"Ooooh!!" he exclaims, "A 'do not disturb.'sign....I bet you do, I bet you do, nudge, nudge, say no more...tell you like sonic showers....?

That's enough!

Wes is about to answer, but I leap over the counter and hoist the receptionist up on a peg, leaving him hanging by his blazer. I take the room key off him, and as Wes and I walk away, I turn round and smile saying "Say no more!"

To be continued...

Saturday, August 23, 2008

TWQ: The Best Of Summer

Well, summer won't be too long with us. Just a few weeks and the autumn air will come. TWQ (The Weekend Question) is asking about summer this week.

What is it you like most about summer? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* The crisp summer breeze that stops it getting too warm.

* BBQs...although we rarely get invited!

* Blue skies...we seldom seem to see them in other seasons.

*Short skirts!

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Wesley & Karena's Wedding (Part Two)

Queen Diana takes her place behind the Oracle of Wisdom in her white robes to start the wedding announcement.

Karena the amazon is standing at the front, in ther battledress with wings added on. Wesley has walked up to her with Bev, who now sits down besides me.

"Everything all right, Bev?" I ask.

"Well, fortunately I had some stress pills with me." she replies.

"You don't look nervous."

"They were not for me, Jean-Luc." Bev comments, "They were for Wes."

"Quiet!" Queen Diana speaks angrily in our direction, then carries on.

"We are gathered here today" she starts, "To unite this amazon with this err..male in matrimony. The two of you will stand before me and put your hands on the Oracle."

Wesley nervously puts his hand on the Oracle.

Karena does it proudly, and looks up into the eyes of her mother. You can see who had the nerves!

"Karena." her mother asks, "Do you promise to rule, take responsibilty and control whenever possible in your marriage, not letting others come between you and your Life Servant?"

"I do!" Karena states firmly.

"Wesley." Diana continues, "Do you promise to obey, listen to Karena and do what she says in your marriage, and not to let others come between you and her?"

"Err...I do." Wesley says, although he looks like he will pass out any moment.

"Then, by the power vested in me as Queen of the Amazons." Diana says with a smile, "I pronounce you Amazon and Life Servant. Karena, you may kiss your new acquisition."

Karena grabs Wesley and gives him a long, long passionate kiss lasting five minutes.

When it ends, he staggers away, a little dizzy.

"Hooray!" yells Ensign Britney, who has come in a totally unsuitable outfit, and proceeds to spray rice all over Karena and Wes.

As the pair get in their honeymoon shuttlecraft, with 'Just Married' painted on the back, an extra amont of rice drops out of nowhere all over it.

"Where did THAT come from?" exclaims Bev.

"Q!" I answer, with a slight smile.


Editor's Note:

My thanks to Mimi for this delightful Award below:

I'm really flattered by all the lovely things you said in your post.

Thanks again, Mimi!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Wesley & Karena's Wedding (Part One)

The crew of the Enterprise and Rhode Island are all settling down here on the planet Wondawowman, waiting for the wedding to start.

We are all seated in front of the Oracle of Wisdom waiting for Wesley to come in. It's odd here, but on this female-dominated world, weddings are done in reverse, as the male has to come in.

Ah well; each to their own, I suppose.

I'm sitting near the front, next to an empty seat. Bev will be sitting there when she brings Wesley in. I'm lucky, as I'm the only man sitting this near, as I have been duubed Man of Honour in the ceremony. All the other males from the ships have been placed far at the back. The amazons are walking up and down like security, making sure that none of them try to move closer.

I notice Ciera striding in from her latest adventure, pushing people aside and making sure she gets a good seat. She waves at me and I smile back, before looking around at the crowds coming in.

"I love a good wedding, don't you, mon Capitano?" says a voice from the empty seat next to me.

Q. I groan

"Q!" I exclaim quietly, "Get away from here. I don't want you spoiling the wedding!"

"Don't worry, Jean-Luc." he says, "No one can see me except you. I'm just here to see this odd ceremony that humans go through. I have some rice with me."

"That seat is reserved for Doctor Crusher!" I tell him, "Go away!"

"Oh, all right, Jean-Luc." he says with a smile, "Don't be surprised if an extra amount of rice appears on the couple from nowhere, though."

With that, he vanishes, and I heave a sigh of relief.

I look behind me, and Seven of Nine is escorting the Borg Queen to her seat.

"Greetings, Locutus" the Queen says to me, "It is a beautiful day for this wedding."

"Indeed it is." I reply, "I believe it was raining yesterday."

"Was it really, Locutus." she summisis, "Then we are indeed lucky."

I can believe it. I'm sitting here at a wedding making small talk about the weather to the Borg Queen!

Queen Diana steps in front of the Oracle of Wisdom, glaring slightly at me.

"Let the ceremony begin." she announces, "Play the amazonian anthem!"

Female of the Species is played out:

A thousand thundering thrills await me
Facing insurmountable odds gratefully
The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Shock shock horror horror shock shock horror
I'll shout myself hoarse for your supernatural force
The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Oh she deals in witchcraft and one kiss and I'm zapped
Oh how can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me
Oh how can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me

Frankenstein and Dracula have nothing on you
Jekyll and Hyde join the back of the queue
The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Oh she wants to conquer the world completely
But first she'll conquer me discreetly
The female of the species is more deadly than the male

Oh she deals in witchcraft and one kiss and I'm zapped
Oh how can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me
Oh how can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me

Oh how can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me
Oh how can heaven hold a place for me
When a girl like you has cast a spell on me

Karena stands up, and the signal that Wesley is coming towards us with Bev. The amazonian is wearing a battledress with wings on the back.

She wouldn't look out of place in Ride of the Valkyries!

Here we go. We're ready for the wedding!

To be continued...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Karena's Wedding Preparations

Guest Poster: Karena

As I am getting married to Wesley Crusher in two days, all the wedding preparations are under way.

The Oracle of Wisdom is being laid out in all it's decoration, and my fellow amazons are making sure that their best armour is polished in time for the ceremony.

My mischevous sister Nexa takes me to the top of the Hill of Truth, where we oversee the main city of our planet Wondawowman. Sometimes, I cannot be sure if she is playing tricks on me. She was always jealous of me getting Wesley instead of her.

"Sister." she says, "Our planet will be joyful when you and Wesley get married. It will indeed to be an honour to be acting as Best Woman for you, when the weddings take place."

As we are a female-dominated society, wedding roles are reversed compared to what takes places in most Federation planets.

"Don't forget, sister Karena." Nexa continues, "I shall be putting the pre-wedding bodypaint on you tonight, to ensure that you have good health, luck and fertility throughtout your marriage."

"Just make sure you get it right, Nexa." I reply, "We can't afford to have the wrong symbols painted on, it will look ridiculous."

"Oh, you can rely on me, sister." Nexa answers, in a somewhat sly voice.


Later that night, Nexa is carefully administering the paint on my back. It is only meant to stay on a short time, but is essential to be there when the wedding service is going on.

"How is it going, Nexa." I ask.

"Just beautifully, sister." she replies, "Those who see it will think it is just right."

Valana, one of my amazonian friends enters the tent. Nexa tries to push her out.

"Whatever are you having THAT on your back for, Karena?" exclaims Valana.

"Why?" I say, "What's wrong?"

"Well," Valana answers, "It's a traditional dragon design, which all amazonians have when they get married, but it's not Elisia, the Dragon of Good Luck and Fertility, but instead, you have Morosia, the Dragon of Misery."

"Is it?" asks Nexa in mock innocence, "Silly me! I'm always getting the two mixed up!"

I quickly kick Nexa out of the tent, and get Valana to adjust the design to show the dragon Elisia on my back.

The Dragon of Misery ought to be renamed Nexa!

Saturday, August 16, 2008

TWQ: Screensavers

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Collection) takes a look at your computer and it's screensaver.

What screensavers do you have on your computer? What have you had in the past?

My answer is:

I've always had my montage of Nicole Kidman pictures, which change every few seconds.

Now it's over to you..

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Karena's Hen Night

Guest Poster: Karena

As I'm getting married next week to my pumpkin, Wesley Crusher, Ensign Crusher and her friend T'Pol has taken open themselves to organise something called a 'Hen Night', also known as a Bachelorette Party.

It is a ceremony where female friends take to woman out for one last evening before she weds. The event all seems very pointless, but decide to go along with it. After all, nothing will change when I get married. I'll still be ruling over Wesley.

All of the group, which comprises of myself, Britney, T'Pol, Seven of Nine, Deanna Troi, Jadzia Dax, Ro Laren, Jennifer Baxter, and Guinan. Beverly thought it best not to come, as she was Wesley's mother.

We are in the Starfleet Mall.

"Where are we going, Britney?" I ask.

"To one of T'Pol & myself's favourite hang-outs." she replies, "It's one of the few places that let us in. It's called the Cafe Sordid."

Some of the women shiver slightly. I hope it's the weather and not that they could have heard of it before.

"It's a groovy place." T'Pol adds, "Brit and I tried to get in two nights ago, as our favourite act, Joy Delight was playing. It turns out some people had booked before we did. We'll have to settle for the male act tonight."

"The male act?" I say in puzzlement.

"You'll see!" Britney answers with a laugh. Some of the other women are looking at each other as if they're not sure it's been a good idea to come.


Inside, the room is all dark, the occupants are mostly women, and looking very eager for the show to start. However, they take a look at the spear I am holding, and decide to move their chairs a little further away.

"I'm not too sure that this was a good idea, Jadzia." Ro whispers to her.

"Don't be sure." Guinan interrupts, "Let's see the show first."

"If the show fails to come up to expectations." declares Seven, "I shall assimilate those responsible."

The stage lights come up, and a voice announces that Rex Platinum is on the stage.

The other women in the audience rush forward, screaming "Rex!"

He then procedes to remove his clothing by starting with his shirt.

Rampant screaming ensues all around. The Enterprise women maintain a dignified stance, until Guinan shouts and rushes forward.

"Oh yeah, honey!!" she shout, and starts throwing Credits on the stage.

After that, we all proceed to do the same thing. The place goes crazy, as Rex is forced to flee the stage as the surge of women increases.


A little later, we leave the Cafe Sordid. Deanna takes me aside.

"Listen, Karena." she starts, "I've talked with the other women, and they've decided that the show we saw there should be forgotten about. Don't tell Wesley. I don't intend to tell Will. They might not quite understand why we went there."

"Sure, Deanna." I answer with a smile, "We went for a very quiet night out."

"Absolutely!" she answers with a smile, "That's what all Hen Nights are like."

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Wesley's Stag Night

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

As I'm getting married next week to my honeybunch, Karena, my male friends who used to be with me on the Enterprise has decided to throw what they called a 'Stag Night Party' for me.

This also used to be called a 'Bachelor Party' and it was traditional for the groom's friends to do this before they got married.

"It's your last few days of freedom, Wes!" pipes up Geordi, "After that, Karena will have you doing what she likes."

"I don't mind that." I reply, "I'm in love."

Geordi laughs as we all settle down at our table at the Cafe Sordid.

"This place looks a little dubious." I remark to Commander Riker, "Couldn't we have found somewhere else?"

"Sure we could, Wes." Will replies, "But we wanted to find somewhere where you'd ...enjoy your party." he continues with a sly smile.

"It is a pity that Captain Picard himself could not join us this evening." remarks Data, "Did he say why he couldn't come?"

"He informed me that he had an important meeting with the admirals." Worf answers, "Though judging by his his tone, I'm not sure whether this is accurate."

"I think he didn't want us to know that he already knew all the doormen and staff!" laughs Geordi to Data, who immediately looks confused.

The room becomes dark, but the stage becomes a mass of lights.

A young brunette walks on to the stage, wearing a long black dress, and a beautiful hat, fishnet stockings and red shoes.

"I'm Joy Delight, and I have a treat for a young man named Wesley Crusher." the woman announces seductively.

With that, Riker hand me a 'Learner' shirt to wear, and we carry on looking up at the stage.

Joy Delight has removed her hat, and is about to step out of her dress.

"Why is the lady removing her clothes?" asks Data. He is clearly confused, and Geordi tries to explain has best as he can, while keeping an eye on the stage.

Not long after, when Joy has finished her stage act, we all get up to go.

"Well, what do you think of your Stag Night, Wes?" asks Commmander Riker.

"Pretty good, sir." I reply, "I think it's been quite an experience for Data as well!"

"Yeah." he answers, " might be a good idea not to mention where we've been to Karena or Deanna. They might not quite understand."

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The Wedding Invitation

"Have you had yours yet, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks as she rushes into my Ready Room.

"Have I had what, Bev?" I reply, though I think I can guess what the subject is about.

"Why, the Wedding Invitation for Wesley and Karena's wedding, that's what!"

Beverly waves a document cheerily in front of me, as if it is a Treaty foe eternal peace in the Quadrant.

"Oh, that." I reply, "Yes I have it right here. They came together and were sent to all the senior staff."

I open mine and read it out.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard,

You are invited to the Wedding of the Princess Karena to Wesley Crusher on the amazonian planet of Wondawowman starting 19th August. The ceremony will take place at the Oracle of Wisdom and be officiated by the bride's mother, Queen Diana.

Please note that as you have been designated Man of Honour, and will serve the Life Servant-to be during the ceremony, you will be allowed to sit near the front. All other men, due to their low ranking in our matriachal society, will all have to sit at the back and not be allowed to speak until called to do so.

We hope you enjoy the occasion.

Queen Diana

"Well that's an interesting one." Bev says, "Mine is slightly different."

She reads it out:

Dearest Beverly,

I have pleasure in inviting you to the wedding of my blessed daughter Karena to your son Wesley on my home planet of Wondawowman starting 19th August. As you are giving away Wesley in the ceremony at the Oracle of Wisdom, you shall have a place of honour.

As for the men, we'll keep them out of the way.

I look forward to your arrival,

Your sister in strength,

Queen Diana

"The Queen seems to have worded all of the invites differently." I comment, "I wonder what she put for...."

Ensign Britney marches in.

"Have you seen what the Queen has wrote on my Wedding Invitation?" she grumbles.

Our Deltan Ensign starts to read it:

Ensign Britney,

As a woman, you are naturally invited to the wedding of Karena and Wesley at the Oracle of Wisdom on Wondawowman starting 19th August. However, I warn you, if I see one spot of chewing gum anywhere, you'll be in the amazon prison before my daughter has the chance to say "I do."

Queen Diana

I try not to smile as Britney storms out in disgust. When she's gone, it all becomes too much and both Bev and I fall about laughing.


Editor's Note:

There is an invite here for YOU, the blog reader as well....

Blog readers,

You are invited to the wedding of Princess Karena and her hapless Life-Servant-to-be Wesley here starting 19th August. Women, remember your new hats, and men, remember to sit at the back!

Saturday, August 09, 2008

TWQ: Olympic Sports

With the Olympic Games just starting, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you will be watching.

What sports will you be most interested in watching during the Olympics and why? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

Aside from the obvious (Ladies Beach Volleyball), I will be watching:

* Weightlifting: This sport always fascinates me, with the amount of effort required to lift, and the agony when it comes crashing down!

* Pole Vault: This is a good one, where like weightlifting, the competitors strive to get a little more each time.

* 1500 metres: A great event, probably one of the best.

* Marathon: A good way to see the host city as well as share the endurance.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, August 07, 2008

Safety Check

"What's this?" I say.

"It's a directive from Starfleet." Riker answers, "It says you have to do a spot check on all crewmembers to see whether their workstation is operating within health and safety paremeters."

"What tosh!" I comment, "Throw it in the cyber wastebin."

"I can't do that, Captain." he answers, "When the directive came through, I had to answer that it had been received. I did that."

I sigh. Starfleet think of everything to ensure their pointless directives go through. They would have me doing this check even if we were being invaded by beings from another dimension.

"What do I have to do, Number One?"

"You have to go to each workstation." he answers, "Look to see if it is clear of personal effects, then look underneath each station to check if there are not any loose wires hanging down that might be a hazard to both the crewmember and the ship."

"There are over 1000 crewmembers here!" I protest, "What do you think my back is going to be like after that? I'll have to delegate it to Data, who won't feel the effects."

"Sorry, Captain." Riker answers, "The Directive specifically insists that the Captain of each Starship must carry out the check."

I start off by checking the first few crewmembers. Nothing of any significance yet, but even now, my back is starting to feel the strain.

I come to Ensign Britney's workstation. When I look underneath, all the wires are stuck together with chewing gum.

"What's the meaning of this, Ensign?" I ask.

"Yeah, well, Captain." Ensign Britney answers, "I've been given a real tatty workstation, and the computers keep going on the blink. The only way to keeo them going is to stick them together with my chewing gum."

"This is disgraceful." I answer, "I'll see this gets repaired right away."

"Captain." Britney asks, "Can you make sure I get the chewing gum back, please?"

I move on to inspect some more workstations. With a third of the ship done, my back is excrutiatingly painful.

I come to Jadzia Dax's station.

"What's this?" I ask, looking at a 3D photo.

"It's a picture of Worfie....I mean Lieutenant Worf ." she answers, "He's such a cute honey."

I cough.

"We can't allow personal effects on workstations, Lieutenant." I say, "You'll have to take it back to your quarters."

I hate being stern like that. I hope they don't find my picture of Bev hidden in my Command Chair.

As the inspection starts to come to an end, I am virtually bent over with the pain my back has given.

"Have you anywhere else left to inspect, Captain." asks Riker.

"Just one place, Number One." I reply, "That's the SickBay. It's an ideal place to end, as I'll need a lot of treatment when I finish!"

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Shopping For Karena's Wedding Dress (Part Two)

Guest Poster Karena

I'm here in the Starfleet Mall with my mother Queen Diana to look for a wedding dress for myself when I get married to Wesley Crusher.

I say 'wedding dress' in a very loose term, of course. Being an amazon, it will have to be a traditional battle outfit, with a breastplate and spear.

That's romance for you!

Currently, we are in the 'Amazon' shop, run by Helena. We are going through possible items that might be suitable.


"Oh, I don't think that spear is sharp enough!" says my mother, "We need it razor sharp to show what a tough woman my daughter is."

"We can always have it sharpened for you, Queen Diana." Helena insists, "We can make it so sharp it will cut the air in two. Now come and see these dresses."

She leads us to a section named Amazonian Wedding Attire.

My mother's face lights up.

"Ah, now this is the sort of thing I've been looking for." the Queen comments, "Don't you agree, daughter?"

"It looks lovely." I answer, "The ideal sort of thing to cast fear into any Life Servant."

"It will need a breastplate, though." my mother adds.

"I have the very thing." Helena answers, and brings out a matching plate.

"Perfect!" Diana says,while looking at some weapons "Now how about that sword?"

I go to the changing room, put all three on.

When I come out, both my mother and Helena agree that they look just right. As I wave the sword, I look so fearful, a customer about to enter the shop suddenly runs away.

"I can see your daughter is going to have a very special honeymoon night." says Helena, with a smile.

We are about to leave, when I see a special line of bridal clothes called "Valkyries."

"What are those?" I ask.

"Ah." answers Helena, "That is a very special line of bridal clothing for top amazons."

My mother is offended.

"My daughter is a Princess and is therefore a top amazon." she says angrily, "Let's see what it is."

I try it out, and know this will be my wedding day battle dress.

"I want this one, mother." I say.

"I agree, Karena." she replies, "It suits you perfectly. What a magnificent outfit."

We pack it all up and leave the shop, very satisfied.

Wes will get a surprise on his wedding day!


Editors Note: For obvious reasons, Karena's wedding day battle dress will not be shown here until the day she gets married. We can't let anyone see it beforehand, especially Wes. It's bad luck!

Sunday, August 03, 2008

Shopping For Karena's Wedding Dress (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

My mother, who is Queen Diana of the planet Wondawowman, is visiting Earth and walking with me in the Starfleet Mall area.

We have come to find a wedding dress suitable for my marriage to Wesley.

"Mother!" I quietly whisper as she prods an individual with her spear, "You cannot expect everybody to bow down before you if they approach."

"But I am a Queen!" she protests, "That last one was a mere man anyway."

"That's true." I reply, "But we are on Earth, and things can't be just as they are on our planet.

My mother grumbles at this, "I don't see why we have to come here anyway, Karena. All the other Amazonians get their wedding day battle armour handmade."

"That's true." I answer, "But Helena is known for making the best...and you do want the best for your Princess daughter, don't you?"

"Yes, of course." she grumbles.

That tactic always works.

"Look!" I exclaim, "We're here!" I see the familiar sign.

"Helena bought this company a while ago." I continue, "Now it caters excusively for Amazons. If you're one, you'll get anything you want."

"Interesting." Diana says, "Let's see what they have."

"Greetings." says a statuesque woman who advances forward, "I am Helena, owner of Amazon. What can I do for you?"

"I am Queen Diana of Wondawowman." explains my mother in her most authoritarian voice, "I would like you to supply battle armour wedding dress for my daughter, the Princess Karena."

"I am most honoured to be in your presence." Helena answers, "I'm sure I will be able to help, come into the Wedding Room and I'll show you our range."

To be continued...

Saturday, August 02, 2008

TWQ: Vacation Problems

As it's the time of year when a lot go on vacation, this TWQ (The Weekend Question) is themed to find the things we dread.

What problems don't you like to face while going on vacation? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

1: All the trouble getting on and off an aircraft. It takes longer than the flight nowadays.

2: The drive by holiday reps to sell optional excursions, making the vacation cost far higher.

3: When on a coach tour, we are told we can't stay too long in a really interesting place as he wants to take us to an interesting carpet place where his brother wants to sell us some.

4: The fact that when we get home, we are more exhausted than when we left... and it's supposed to be a restful vacation!

Now it's over to you...