Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Battle Stations

Things are kind of busy at the moment.

Shields are down, the warp engines are offline and we are about to be boarded by an unknown enemy that refuses to answer our hails.

It could be said that it is not our day today, and another one where the Enterprise Christmas Party is skating on thin ice.

It's too late to cancel the order for Bajoran Brandies. Those had to be booked at the beginning of August.

Some ladies have already asked me to dance with them at the party. It looks like they may be disappointed.

I'm getting distracted.

"They are about to beam in." says Riker.

"We cannot let that happen!" demands Worf, who reaches for his phaser.

"Options, everybody." I say.

It's always a good thing to say when I haven't got a clue what to do myself.

After a few useless suggestions from the others, Data comes up with a plan.

"Could it be done?" I ask.

"It will require spilt second re-modulation of the transport alignment matrix buffer."

I pretend I understand what he is talking about and tell him to go ahead.


The aliens land on the Bridge; they are a mysterious aggressive race.

"We are the Vargh. We are taking command of your ship. You will all we executed." one of them growls.

The crew look at each other and ask the Vargh leader to look at the screen.

The Self Destruct is counting down slowly ""

The leader shouts to the others in panic, "Leave the ship immediately, it is about to explode!"

They beam out and hurriedly leave at high warp.

The holodeck returns to normal.


"Well done, Mr Data." I say, transporting them from to the holodeck before they materialised was an excellent idea. They actually thought the ship was going to blow up."

How is it I think of all these good ideas?

Monday, August 29, 2005

Stalking Worf


I have been getting a lot of strange messages lately.

It appears that I am being stalked by a woman who has designs upon myself.

This is not the sort of thing that happens with a Klingon. We are very 'upfront' about our relationships, and do not go in for such 'sneakiness'.

Here is the latest message:

Dear Worf,

You know you are the one for me; sooner or later, you and I will come together in joy and harmony.

Untrill then, your eternal love,


I have no idea who this mysterious 'JD' is; she seems to be a bad speller.

Naturally, Deanna is livid that I'm getting all these messages.

"When I find out who it is" she says, "I'm gonna tear her hair out!"

I have tried to pinpoint the direction the messages; they seem to be coming somewhere in the Bajor direction, near the wormhole.

The sensors must be disrupted in some way.

While I am looking, another message is coming in.

My darling Worf,

You don't know how much I desire you. Everyday I am thinking of yourself. The space deep in my heart wants to be filled with your love. And Dax the truth.

Your lover,


Her writing skills are awful; she certainly can't spell, or write a note properly.

Deanna looks like she wants to explode.

"I don't know who this 'JD' is, but if I ever found out, there will be one less woman in the universe!"

I can't say it to Deanna, of course, but a Klingon enjoys women fighting over him; I just wish I knew who 'JD' was.

Probably some wrinkled old woman hundreds of years old.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

TWQ: Island Essentials

This week's TWQ is inspired by the tv series 'Lost'.

You have crashed on a desert island. What are the five essential things you need to sustain yourself?

Be as imaginative or as weird as you like!

Here are my five items:

1: Swiss Army Knife: This will help in a lot of awkward cutting to do.

2: A working lavatory: There are certain things we all need!

3: A tent: Essential to protect yourself from tropical storms.

4: A book: "What to do when you crash on a desert island".

5: A tribe of natives. The chief has a beautiful daughter aged 20 whom he wants you to marry. The two of us can live in idyllic paradise for the rest of our days.

Now it's up to you...

Nic's Thoughts About Me

If you take a look at my blogfriend Nic's latest post on As My World Turns , she gives an interesting summation of myself:

Next up is the warm, the witty, the distinguished Captain Picard. A frequent visitor to Nic’s Place from a distant galaxy, Captain Picard has always been nothing but gracious, kind and encouraging. A real great blogfriend to have! Captain Picard’s blog is a highly entertaining peek into the life of a harassed and beleaguered Starship captain in the 24th century. You definitely won’t want to miss out on the fun there!

1. Random: Encouraging, champion, stoic, hidden mischief

2. I’ll tell you what song or movie reminds me of you:Song: Unchained Melody (Cyndi Lauper’s version). The lyrics remind me of the feelings you have for Bev. Feelings you will only admit to yourself, alone in your quarters, in the dark of night after having some good brandy.Movie: Close Encounters of the Third Kind. That is your life, you seek to make contact with new, emerging and undiscovered civilizations.

3. I’ll pick a color/flavor of jello to wrestle with you in. Since I’m not into jello wrestling, this is a hypothetical question:Since Earle Gray doesn’t make a jello flavor, I’m going to have to go with Sparkling Grape (made by adding ginger ale instead of water). You have hidden depth and many facets to you that are only shown under the right light. It is a surprising and welcome treat.

4. I’ll say something that only makes sense to you and me:Beware of wearing your red shirt on your initial visit to a planet

5. I’ll tell you my first memory of you:I found you through a comment you had made on Master Yoda’s blog and followed the link. There were only a few posts up as the blog had just started but I was amused and intrigued by the humor in the posts and kept coming back.

6. I’ll tell you what animal you remind me of:Deer b/c it denotes Gentleness, Caring, Sensitivity, Peace and Wisdom

7. I’ll ask you something I’ve always wondered about you:When will you ever admit to Bev how you feel? It’s so obvious to everyone. It’s almost a tangible entity, those sparks between the two of you.

A great summary, there, Nic.

Take a look at her blog for regular well-written posts.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

In Trouble Again

I'm facing an Enquiry again.

It's amazing how often this happens; I seem to leave the Disciplinary Room via a Revolving Door.

As ever, it's Admiral Karchov, 'the screwdriver of Starfleet' who is asking the questions.

That meeting with the Zetek has caused all this.

"Now then, Picard", Karchov asks.

What happened to 'Captain?'

"We want to know know what happened when you and your Officers went to receive the Zetek. Eighteen months had gone into the planning to bring them into the Federation, yet you destroy all that in a few moments. We thought even you wouldn't make a mistake here."

Was there an insult somewhere there?

"Admiral" I say, "This wasn't my fault, but that of the being known as Q."

"So you say, but why is it this Q person always seems to show up on the Enterprise and nowhere else?"

"Errr...I can't really say; he seems to find our crew rather....amusing for some reason."

"I would think you encourage this sort of behaviour from him; instead of being firm, you play along. Let me tell you, your position as Captain is looking very precarious, and I'm recommending you get demoted to...."

Suddenly I notice that Karchov has changed into a frog.

"Rebit, Rebit."

Q again.

Karchov reappears.

"What happened to me?" Karchov shouts.

Q appears in the corner.

"Greetings, mon Capitano!"

"What are you doing, Q?"

"Well, we can't have you demoted, can we Jean-Luc? Where would I be without you to visit?"

He turns to Karchov.

"Remember, Admiral, I can do that anytime in the day, have you turned into a frog or demote you to an Ensign. What happened was my doing, and not Jean-Luc's."

"Errr...yes, I understand" Karchov whines, "Sorry about that, Q. My apologies, Captain Picard."

"Goodbye, mon Capitano...I'll see you soon."

Q vanishes.

For the first time, I don't need a stress pill after a Disciplinary.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Test: Are You An Ensign Or An Admiral?

Do you know your Bajorans from your Borg?

What is the trouble with a Tribble?

Below is a test provided by Joe Anderson. By answering the questions, you will be designated the rank between Ensign and Admiral.

It's called "Are You A Trekkie?

Good luck; let me know how you get on in the comments.

Monday, August 22, 2005

Q At The Helm


Humans are so strange, aren't they?

They never fail to fascinate me with their absurd behaviour in all sorts of situations. The way they react when something happens makes them the peculiar beings that they are.

I decide to visit my old friend Jean-Luc Picard; whenever I do, I can be assured of a good laugh; this I needed, as my colleagues in the Continuum had beaten me at poker again.

Naturally, I like to make an entrance; at the time, Jean-Luc and his cohorts were in full diplomatic uniform meeting some nonentities.

How stuffy; time to liven it up a little.

I changed to uniforms to Mexican ones, put a cigar in their mouths and created a band playing lively music.

Much better! Then I appeared.

"Greetings mon Capitano!", "Your old pal Q thought he'd drop in."

Jean-Luc looked livid; he always tends to put that expression on when I visit him.

"Q!!" he bellowed, "Not now!"

There never seems to be a good time; he always pretends he's doing something important.

"This is very important!" he said, "The Zetek delegation, who are right here, are very formal, and will not tolerate your sort of behaviour. We want them to join the Federation. Now please go away!"

"Oh, Jean-Luc, they are not that important; they need loosening up in their diplomatic skills."

I transform the Zetek uniform into Mexican ones as well.

They look at each other and walk out in disgust.

"Q, you've ruined eighteen months of careful negotiations; do you realise the trouble I'll get into at Starfleet?"

"I'll put in a good word for you, if you like, Jean-Luc."

"You've done enough damage as it is, Q"

That's typical; he's never grateful for all the favours I do him.

It makes me wonder how he gets anything done witrh the crew he has.

Riker has been Commander for so long; he keeps recommending to Starfleet that Jean-Luc gets promoted.

Worf definately has an attitude problem; always the first to show aggression. Typical Klingon; shoot first, ask questions later.

The Betazoid, Troi is a flighty girl; she has Riker, but has moonlight flits to Worf.

That one with the visor, LaForge; no wonder he never gets women when he has one subject matter; engines. Yawn. And what is that jargon, he talks in? Even he probably doesn't know.

Data is a jumble of wires. A mixed-up metal man with an emotion deficit!

Wesley is one that drives me mad; I think he could beat me at poker in the Continuum.

His mother....well, if only Jean-Luc knew about her....she really has the hots for him, as the humans say.

Guinan is a bad one amongst them; I've dealt with her many hundreds of years ago; very tricky.

Well, obviously, Jean-Luc isn't in a party mood.

"Take these Mexican outfits off, Q!" he shouts.

"Oh, very well, mon Capitano."

With a click, the outfits are off.

"Q!!!!" he shouts, "Put our uniforms back on! Don't leave us here naked!"

"You might have said, Jean-Luc."

Time to leave the humans for now Hopefully I'll do better in the poker game after that refreshing visit.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

TWQ: A Perfect Weekend

As it is the weekend, it might be appropriate to ask this:

What is your idea of a perfect weekend?

Here is my reply:

Though there are many answers to this, I can envisage two, one at home, the other away.

At home: A long lie in, following by keeping in touch with my friends on the internet. Then a visit to the cinema, then at night seeing a favourite DVD like 'The Hours', 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' or 'LOTR'. The next day would be much the same.

Away: A visit to London, looking around the shops before having dinner at a great restaurant before going to the theatre. The next day, a full English breakfast before heading back home.

Now it's over to you....

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Academy Report Card

Beverly has been boasting to everyone how well Wesley is doing at the Academy.

She's just had the Report Card from the lecturers there, and they are all glowing.

However, I remember when I last visited there, Boothby the gardener, who has been there longer than anyone can recall, tells a different story.

"Ignore what you read on the card, sonny." he said, "There is a hidden message behind what they say."

To help, here is what the comments in a Starfleet Academy (or any educational institution) really mean:

1: Satisfactory progress: I can't think of a single interesting thing to say about this person.

2: Easygoing: Bone idle.

3: Lively: Thoroughly disruptive.

4: Good progress: If you think his/her work was bad now, you should have seen it a year ago.

5: Sensitive: Never stops whining.

6: Helpful: A creep.

7: Reliable: Will always grass on their friends.

8: Adventurous: Will probably break their neck soon.

9: Has difficulty forming relationships: I can't stand him/her either.

10: Expresses themselves: Insolent.

11: Enjoys physical activites: A thug.

12: Popular: Sells obscene pictures.

13: Friendly: Never stops talking.

14: Easily distracted: Hasn't produced a single piece of good work all year.

15: Works better in groups: Daren't take my eye off him/her for a second.

16: Imaginative: Lies and cheats regularly.

17: Needs praise and encouragement: Thick as a plank.

18: Expresses themselves clearly: Foul mouthed.

19: Keen to do well: Has a big ego.

20: Does not accept authority easily: Father is in prison.

21: Is upset easily: Was spoilt rotten.

22: Often appears tired: Stays up all night watching horror or porn films.

23: Works better at practical activities: Illiterate.

24: Good with his hands: A pickpocket.

25: Independantly minded: Totally obstinate.

26: Enjoys extracurricular activities: Sells cigarettes and drugs.

27: Determined: Totally lacking all scruples.

28: Inclined to daydream: Anything said goes in one ear and out the other.

29: Reads well aloud: In love with his/her own voice.

30: Quiet: Lacking any individuality whatsoever.

31: Easily influenced: The Academy fall-guy.

32: A born leader: Runs a protection racket.

33: A vivid imagination: Never short of an excuse.

34: Does not give glasses his/her full attention: Smokes cigarettes or drugs in the toilet.

35: Often need's guidance: Never out of the Academy Principal's office.

36: Chooses his friends carefully: Mixes with revolutionaries.

37: Mixes well with students: Caught in bed with Academy student.

38: Interacts well with teachers: Caught in bed with their lecturer.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Promotion Block

Why is it I'm still just a Captain?

I've had this position for a number of years, yet Starfleet don't promote me to Admiral.

I've asked them a number of times, and I always get the same answer, as if they've been instructed to give it to be on every occasion.

"I'm sure your time will come, Captain Picard. You're doing a great job on the Enterprise. Just keep it up and you'll get noticed eventually."

What a response.

It seems that if one does a great job, they want to keep you there; why move anybody is their logic?

Over the years, I saved the Enterprise, the Federation, humanity and the universe.

Still, here I am; same as ever.

I've spoken to Riker & Deanna about it. They both agree, and are very keen that I get promoted as soon as possible. It's good that they're on my side, isn't it?

The weirdest logic is that if a person makes a mess of their job, then their superiors find somewhere else to put them. As a result, they have vast experience in lots of areas after a while and they get promoted to Admiral.

While here I am, still saving humanity.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Engine Chatter


Yo! Geordi here for a little serious word or two.

I wanna know one thing, man; why is it the chicks go off me so easily?

I'll tell you what happened to me just yesterday. There I am, chatting up Ensign Joanne Weston, the new kid on the Engineering block during our break in Ten Forward.

Naturally, I've been telling this stunning beaut all about how well I look after the engines and that a warp conduit that I had in reserve managed to give the ship that extra boost it needed a month ago.

She starts looking around the room.

Man! As any guy knows, that's a bad sign when dating a chick. It means she is not interested, and she is saying "No way, Jose'" in all but chatter.

I haven't found the way to Romance City, Arizona, that's for sure.

Another prospective gal bites the dust.

I'll tell you, my track record with babes is distinctly on the low side. I'll say low; it's more like non-existent.

The worst part is that Data gets more women than I do, and he's a machine!

It must be a chatup line he has, or maybe women find it an interesting prospect. I know that many a time he asks me to look after Spot, that cat of his, as he says he has to 'entertain a ladyfriend' in his quarters.

I ask you, man!

All I ever get at night is scratches from Spot.

The one groovy thing I like is the hours of fun from looking around Spare Parts For Starships in the Starfleet Mall.

Man. that's such a hip place, with all those far out parts I would not think of getting normally. Often, I get a whole truckload of extras, charge them to the Main Man's account and beam them up to the Enterprise on a quiet night.

Hey! There's nothing bad about this. What the Main Man doesn't know that is that there would have been a warp core breach on many a time had it not been for the extra plasma relay or conduit that I just happened to have in my bag as a result of shopping.

Without those, we would have been in Core Breach City, singing away with our harps by now.

There's just one great tip always to remember when the Main Man wants something urgent doing: now this is just between you and me. It's Secrecy City, Arizona.

If he says how soon can a job be done, triple the length of the time it will really take. He will halve the time, and when it is actually done, it will seem we have done a miraculous job.

It works everytime, man!

I'm surprised no one has ever spotted it.

Right now, I'm gonna look at the engines, make sure they're A-1, then go and catch some z's.

Saturday, August 13, 2005

TWQ: Blog Wishes

The TWQ this weekend has been used with the kind permission of MommoaK, who runs the Petroville blog.

You have stumbled upon a magic lamp and are hereby granted 3 wishes.However, there is one condition...
These are blog wishes and are not intended for use in the real world. Your wishes will only come true if you use them for your blog, blogging in general or about another blogger. Not the... "I'd wish for world peace" kind of deal, get it? Ready? The Genie is waiting....

Here are my wishes:

1: I would love to have a perfect template that would go with the theme of the blog.

2:Lots of time to read all the wonderful blogs that I discover out there.

3: Inspiration to write good posts.

Now it's over to you...

Friday, August 12, 2005

Jersey's Thoughts About Me

In her Thursday Post, Jersey from A True Jersey Girl said that if I submit my name, she will answer the following six statements about me:

The song that reminds her of me: The theme song from Star Trek

Colour or flavour of jello to wrestle with me in: Paceship Strawberry.

Say something that only means sense to you or me: has nothing on this one!

Her first memory of me: Thos is the oddest blog I have ever seen, but it's cool too.

What animal I remind her of: Teddy bear.

Ask me something she always wondered: Why didn't you take me to Porttugal with you?

Thanks, Jersey, for answering. They were really entertaining.

If any want to see the best blog by a Jersey Girl, take a look at her blog.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Uncharted Planet (Part Two)

We've been on this planet for a day talking with Gar. It's like been caught at a party with the one person nobody wants to speak to.

In that time, we have been telling him everything we know. Beverly has been going on about medicine, shoes and fishnets, Deanna has been talking about counseling and shopping, Geordi has mentioned his precious engines, and Worf has been reciting old Klingon stories.

I didn't have too much to talk about. After all, I've never being that good at small talk and general conversation.

What concerns me is that very soon, Gar will get bored of us; what will happen then. I know that once Geordi started mentioning the engines, it was a challenge to stay awake.

While Deanna tells Gar all the details of her latest shopping trip, Geordi pulls me aside.

"I think I know how we can get off the planet; the forcefield is noticably weaker then Gar listens to us. It's because he has to concentrate more. The Enterprise will have been watching, waiting for an opportunity. If we all talk at the same time, we might be able to beam up."

Geordi might be able to earn his pay this week.

Eventually, I tell the idea to all the others.

We all approach Gar.

"What do you think of the shops in Starfleet Headquarters, Deanna?" I say.

"Oh, they're absolutely gorgeous" she replies.

"I agree" says Beverly, "Especially 'Ferengi Fishnets'."

"'Kahless's Coats'" is a disgrace." says Worf, "They should not use the name of a revered Klingon."

"Spare Parts For Starships.' is a great place." adds Geordi, "Anything I want to keep the Enterprise going, I can find there."

Everybody chats away meaningless drivel at the same time; much like they do on a rest break in Ten Forward.

Gar is struggling to keep us with the constant chatter.

I know how he feels; it makes me sympathise a little with him!

The forcefield starts to weaken; Geordi sends a signal to the Enterprise and we are all beamed up.

Straight away, we post a warning beacon in orbit, saying, "Unless you want to chat meaninglessly to a Yeti for all eternity, avoid this planet."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Uncharted Planet (Part One)

One of the things I've learnt over the years is whenever an uncharted planet is located, there is something on it.

And it's hostile.

Still, there I am, forgetting the above, and Deanna, Beverly, Geordi, Worf and myself all go down, with Riker and Data looking after the ship.

Not even a 'spare man'.

'Spare men' are what Away Teams are supposed to take when we visit an unknown place. It is their job to get killed so we can carry on.

We all beam down into a rough terrain; that will do havoc with my Starfleet-issue boots.

Geordi detacts a lifesign, so we all walk towards it.

A giant Yeti-like creature comes out of a cave.

"Greetings Captain Picard and crew of the Enterprise. Welcome to your new home."

Now a statement like that sounds full of trouble.

"How do you know who....." I say.

"Your ship was scanned by me; I know all the details of your crew."

A force field comes up all around us. We cannot contact the Enterprise; we use the phasers against the creature.

About as useful as a chocolate teapot.

"I am Gar, and you will be spending all eternity with me" he says. "I shall provide you with meagre food and you will keep me entertained."

Worf looks very angry; I sense some Klingon-style hostility arising in a moment.

"We shall do nothing of sort." he says, as if he is going to explode with fury.

"Mr Worf, calm down." I whisper, "Let's try and talk to this Gar creature."

"A good idea." says Gar, "You creatures are so fascinating; the last visitors didn't last long; I had to kill them all off. They were also unco-operative"

Not exactly Mr Hospitality, is he?

"Captain.", Deanna whispers,"I sense he is very serious; it's best to stall him while the Enterprise try and rescue us."

"There is no way off this planet.", booms Gar, "Don't consider plotting anything."

It could get rather boring here. The chances of being at the Ten Forward Christmas Party are looking rather slim right now.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Is Anyone There?



Is anyone out there?

This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation starship Voyager.

We are sending a distress call through a mioroscopic wormhole from the Delta Quadrant. We have no idea where or when this will appear, but we hope someone will see it and send help.

At the moment, we are 70,000 light years from home, and it will take us about 70 years to reach home, even travelling at maximum warp.

All right, I know you must be having a good laugh back at Starfleet, saying to yourself, "Janeway's got lost again!"

So I'm not too good with directions; everybody at the Academy knew it wasn't my strongest point. But it really wasn't the reason we are here. We got dragged by The Caretaker when we were in The Badlands...oh, it's a long story, I don't want to go into it now.

I'm just trying to sent this message with a few comments.

We've had to join forces with the Maqis ship we went after. Some of them are a bit hot tempered, like B'Elanna Torres; honestly, you can't ask her if she's had a good day without her biting your nose off. She's so aggressive, I think she will.

Chakotay is alright as a First Officer, but sometimes I catch him trying on his old Maqis outfit, as he looks longingly at it often.

Tuvok keeps giving me sagely advice as if he lives on the top of the mountain.

Harry Kim is Mr Optimistic, with his "We're gonna get home!!" every time a slight opportunity comes up. I could clout him!

Tom Paris lives in a fantasy land. He keeps telling the rest of the crew, "Call me Captain Proton."

Neelix & Kes, the two aliens we picked up are operating a smuggling racket, I think, with all the goods that seem to turn up. He knows a few dodgy characters out here.

As for medical assistance; all we have is a hologram! The EMH has a very superior attitude and talks down to patients. Occasionally, he bursts into opera songs, which is very disconcerting when he's operating on someone.

Are all the EMHs like this, or did we get a duff one fitted in?

Seska looks a little weird, too; there's something not quite right about her.

Anyway, before I go, there are a few important messages I need to give to those at home.

1: Cancel the milk deliveries. I can see that the milk is simply going to pile up outside the apartment.

2: Cancel my delivery of "Starfleet Times". The news in it will be pretty old by the time we get back, and the bill will be high.

3: Take my library book, "Reading Starcharts For Beginners." back. The fine I'd have to pay would be colossal.

I guess that's it. Please try to help us; 70 years with this lot is more than anyone can stand.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

TWQ: Your Favourite Three Course Meal

The Weekend Question (TWQ) this week has a culinary flavour as I ask:

What is your perfect three course meal?

The three dishes do not have to go with each other, but just the ideal starter, main course and dessert.

Here is my choice:

Starter: Breaded mushrooms in barbecued dip. As long as this is very it, it is delicious.

Main Course: Lasagna with layers of beef, egg, cheese and tomato, sprinkled with parmesan cheese. Has to be served very hot.

Dessert: Jam sponge with custard.

Though it may be cheating, I can't forget the cheeseboard afterwards with lots of choices and then coffee!

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Morning Conference

It's time for the senior staff Morning Conference.

That's what it's officially called; actually it is unofficially named Gripes & Groans Time. They do the griping and I do the groaning. Usually I get a headache right afterwards.

Why is it all the staff have something to complain about? I have far more to worry or get annoyed about, but can I make a comment?

Not a chance.

All the complaints I have ever made are 'passed forward' to Starfleet Headquarters. They are then mislaid and never heard of again.

Anyway, back to today's conference; I'm already getting a throbbing pain in the back of my head.

LaForge opens up with a thought. It's bound to be about his precious engines.

"About the engines, Captain." he starts.

I told you!

"The performance of them have been wearing down slightly." he continues, "We need new parts for some of it to keep it to optimum efficiency. None seem to have come for some time."

"Can your Engineering staff not keep it going at peak until the parts come?" I ask.

"Err...yes, of course, Captain."

That's the way to win against LaForge; make him think he can't look after the engines.

Beverly pipes up.

"I'm still having a lot of trouble with the Emergency Medical Hologram. Ever since it was fitted, he keeps trying to take over the SickBay and wants me to be the assistant."

"The EMH is just a tool to help you, Dr Crusher. He may be programmed with routines of many different doctors to handle all problems, but he is just an assistant in a crisis when the medical staff need extra help."

"That may be so," says Beverly, "But I caught him singing some opera the other day."

Time for a stress tablet.

Data starts to say something.

"Captain, someone on the ship is playing a vicious trick on me."

"What's that, Data" I groan.

"They are walking up behind me, switching me off and throwing me down the rubbish chute. I am only switched on when the space garbageman collects the debris."

"I'll have Worf and the security team investigate that" I say, while trying to keep a straight face.
Deanna thinks it's her turn.

"Captain, I've been worried about some of the couselling sessions that I've been taking."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, err...they haven't exactly been very complimentary about you. In fact, they've been rather hostile."

"Who are they Counselor. Let's have their names!"

"I can't tell you, Captain; it's Counselor/Patient privilege. But I'll try and encourage them, and show them what a great man you are."

There appears to be a suppressed giggle in the room.

Riker has something to say.

"I think someone has been intruding into Counselor Troi's quarters."

Deanna suddenly coughs.

"While I was away at a Conference, a large hooded figure was seen to walk slowly into her room."

"Were you aware of this, Counselor?" I ask.

", they must be mistaken."

"Mr Worf, you and the security team should investigate this."

"Er...I'll take care of this personally, Counselor." Worf says to her.

Did she just wink at him then?

"Captain." says Worf, "I have a complaint of my own.

Not something else?

"There has been some anti-Klingon graffiti in the Enterprise washroom. I believe it was there after we had the visit from the Romulan Ambassador."

"What does it say?"

"It is typical of the Romulans; they have no honour. It says ''How does Worf hold on to the side of a rockface? He 'klings on'".

Worf looks disgusted.

Another supressed giggle in the room.

I take another couple of stress pills.

Morning Conference is over again.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

A Business Opportunity

This is exciting!

I've just had this message come through on the Enterprise screen.


Dear Mr Picard,
I am a solicitor on the Ferengi homeworld. My father was killed under unknown circumstances on Diatza II. Before he perished he deposited 45 million bars of Latium in a vault in Rigel IV. I decided to retieve the goods.

This has been difficult for me as the consignment could get confiscated by the Diatza II's authorities.

I need your help to process the release, and then live a free life in the Federation. Then I can send money to my poor lonely mother.

You will get 35% of the takings as a means of your part in all this. Just send me all your financial details, and we can put the value of the Latium in there.

After that, we can divide the money!

With thanks,



Wow! It isn't often I get a great business transaction like this.

I show it to Riker.

He thinks it's it a fake; what does he know? He's just jealous because he's not going to get the 35%.

A few hours later, I get another message.


Dear Mr Picard,

The offer has been cancelled; Sorry.



Riker comes in.

"Has that offer been cancelled, Captain?" he asks.

"How do you know, Number One?"

"I made a few enquiries. Quark is a notorious con man on Deep Space Nine. Constable Odo now has him in the brig."

"Errr...thank you, Number One."

Why does he always grin when he gets one over on me?

Wait until he tries to play that trombone again; I'll have it blocked up!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Out Shopping


Keep guard while I type this on the Cappy's Journal, won't you. Can't have him coming in while I type away what happened today, can I? Aren't I a bad girl? Giggle.


Yeah! When the Enterprise is back at Earth, there's nothing like some serious shopping with the girls to enjoy yourself.

Bev, Guinan & I have ganged up together, and we're going to take a look at the Starfleet Shopping Mall.

Look out world!

Bev loves looking at the antique Manalo Blahnik & Jimmy Choo styles; she keeps falling off those high heels, though, and has to settle for those bo-ring flatties that Starfleet seem to like so much.

"I was an advisor to Manalo" boasts Guinan. She always keeps saying she met all these people in the past, as she is over 600 years old. What a name-dropper!

First port of call is 'T'Pol's Secret', the Vulcan underwear designers. We all have a great laugh picking cetain designs. Guinan has a real dirty laugh, and the customers start talking about us. The salesmen look disgusted.

Eventually, we go out with our bags, and head off to the next shop.

I see 'Kahless's Coats' have opened a branch here. There are the Klingon outfitters for men. Worf isn't too keen on them as he says they have no honour in using a great name from his race in trading.

I buy two coats, one for Will and one for Worf; I'll have to swap the labels for another outfitter in the coat for Worf, otherwise he won't wear it.

By the way, don't tell Will, I see Worf as well, will you? It's our little secret. Hush, hush!

I have to tell the girls this; they both giggle.

Bev heads into 'Ferengi Fishnets'. I think she's been keen on wearing those fishnets ever since that 'Dixon Hill' program. She blushes when coming out.

Another little girly secret! No telling, now!

After lunch, we head to 'Federation HairPort' to have our hair done. It's a chance to read the latest gossip in the magazines and hear from the hairdressers about all the scandal going on around Starfleet Headquartes. I'd write it down here, but it's so wicked! Giggle!!

A couple of hours later, Guinan's hair is all a very weird pattern. She says that Nicky Clarke in London in the 20th Century did a much better job.

Name dropping again! I think Bev and I will go on our own next time. Don't tell her, will you?

Bev's hair is deep red and curly, while mine is long and black curls.

We're just about to head to the Ferengi Bar to sink a few Bajoran Brandies when we hear a familiar sound.

It's the com signal; the Enterprise calling. Yuk!

Cappy wants us back; he knows how to spoil a good day out for the girls!


That's it. I've just managed to type it in before the Cappy returns. I can here the thump thump of his approaching stride. I'll put my serious face on and pretend I wanted to see him about something.

Aren't I sneaky?