Thursday, November 19, 2015

In Sick Bay

Guest Post: The Doctor

"What is the nature of your medical emergency?" I say as I'm switched on. Sometimes I wish I had a different opening line.

Captain Picard is there.

"Doctor" he says, "The Enterprise has been in suspended animation for the last three years. I will need you, Doctor Crusher and Nuirse Delmara to help out with any stress the crew may have from learning that their loved ones have aged while they haven't."

The Captain walks out while I ponder this.

Three years? Another human foul-up I suppose.

Beverly approaches. I suppose she will want to take over the running of everything. Some things never change.

"We could have quite a rush of people, Doctor." she says, "Some of the crew might be very panic stricken about the outside universe ageing while they haven't. Give them a supply of stress pills."

Yes, sure. A stress pill is the answer to everything.

Penelope Delmara gives me a beaming smile and hugs me.

"Oh, Joe!" she exclaims, "It's go good to see you again. Though it seems like yesterday, I've missed having you around."

I must admit, I've missed her too. My personal nurse is the only one who calls me Joe. I must admit, I rather like it.

The first crewman comes in, holding his head as if it is going to fall off.

"I can't believe it." he says to himself, "My wife has probably got a new lover by now."

If she has any sense, she will, I think to myself.

Time to start giving out the stress pills. Before long, I might be wishing I could have one as well.

Woken Up

What's this then?

I wake up after a good night's sleep and the ship's chronometer tells me that three years have elapsed.

That's what I call some sleep!

I hurriedly call a conference; Data tells me that we entered a cloud which put the Enterprise in suspended animation. Sensors could not penetrate it, so the Federation could not detect our presence. Only now, with solar activity nearby, did the cloud's composition weaken, and allow us to emerge and wake up.

 Deanna is very upset about all this.

"It means I'll have to get a whole new wardrobe!" she wails, "All my clothes will be out of fashion."

I roll my eyes at this, and decide to contact Starfleet right away.

"Picard!" snorts Admiral Bullockwhen I use the videoscreen to contact him, "We thought you were all dead. Do you know how much it's cost the Federation to have a funeral for every member of your crew? Now we'll have to rewrite everything and get you back on to our files."

"I'm sorry sir." I start, "But it was beyond our control. We had entered a ...."

"Yes, yes.." Bullock snaps, not wanting to hear any more, "Just report back for a debriefing."

"Very well, sir." I reply, "Has anything important happened in our absence?"

"No, it's been very quiet." the Admiral replies, "It seems like we only get trouble and universe-threatening problems when you are around. Now that you are back, we'd better strengthen our defences."

The videoscreen goes off, and I turn to the crew.

"Well, it looks like the Enterprise is up and running. We'll have to see what is going on in the universe."

Saturday, July 21, 2012

TWQ: Disappointments

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at letdowns and disappointments.

What sort of letdowns and disappointments have you ever had? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Two weeks ago I was told that I wasn't going to get a job I applied for, although I felt certain that I would.

* Earlier in the year, I was told I would be in the group facing mandatory redundancy, despite having worked there for 36 years.

* A necklace I sent off for as a present for someone turned out to be a cheap-looking item that was made in China.

Now it's over to you...

Saturday, July 14, 2012

TWQ: Lost Items

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about whether you are a loser. That is to say someone who consistantly loses items and never finds them again.

Have you lost things never to find again, or have found after a long time? List as many as you wish.

My answers are (although it is mainly my dad that does this!)

* Tube for mouthwash
* Driving Licence
* Key to get out into the garden

Now it's over to you...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Shopping With Bev & Kathryn

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi 

As we promised her, Bev and I are taking Kathryn Janeway on a tour of the Starfleet Mall. She has been away for seven years. Her fashion sense is pretty shocking. Kate is wearing clothes that I wouldn't be seen dead in.

If anyone asks who is dressed in that strange garb, I'll just have to say I don't know who she is. Kathryn joins Bev and I and we set off.

 "Bev and Deanna." she says, "I want to thank you both for taking me out here to see the latest fashions. It's been so long since I've had a good shop..or a real drink for that matter."

Beverly explains that she and Kate used to go out and cruise the bars, getting drunk many years ago. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. It's not the Bev I am used to knowing, but we all did things differently in our younger days.

"This is the 'in' thing right now." declares Bev, pointing at a shop window. There is an elegant dress there, with a split cut to the waist.

"It's a little daring." comments Kathryn, "Not only that, it looks transparent."

"So it is." Bev agrees, "But you'll look great. Go and try it on.

We push the reluctant Kate into the shop. She goes to the changing room and comes out to see what we think.

"You look fabulous." we agree.

"You don't think I'm showing too much leg do you."

"Not at all." I answer, "The fashion now is to expose the legs. In other words, legs are 'in', Kathryn."

"It's a good job I didn't wear this on Voyager." she smiles to herself, "There would have been quite a few glances in my way from fellow crew members."

The three of us leave the shop.

"I have to meet Will. now." I tell them, "We are going to the cinema to see Indiana Jones In The Care Home. See you later."

"That's all right." Bev replies, "Kate and I have got a lot of catching up to do in the local bars. We are going to drink each other under the table."

Saturday, June 30, 2012

TWQ: Questions Not To Ask The Interviewer

For all those in a job interview, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks others to supply questions not to ask the interviewer

What questions would it be unwise to ask the interviewer in a job interview? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Do the female employees wear mini skirts?
* How many sick days am I entitled to?
* What time do you get off work, as I'd like to ask you out.

Now it's over to you...

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Kathryn, Bev & Jean-Luc

Guest Poster: Kathryn Janeway 

Well, it's great to be back on Earth at last after seven long years away on Voyager. Next time I'll take one of those navigation devices that fit in cars. Tom Paris could never find his way around anywhere!

Would you believe it, the ship lands on Earth, just outside Starfleet Headquarters. Some bigwig comes on and makes me an Admiral!  All this for getting their ship lost for seven years. The logic of some people. I know B'Elanna wouldn't have been happy about it, but she had just delivered her daughter and was in no mood to complain.

Finally I get off board and go to my apartment. The mail that I have. Despite the regular items, seven years of junk mail is a lot, I can tell you that.

Eventually I have a hot bath and change. The door bell goes. I answer it and find it is Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher.

"Hello erm...Admiral Janeway." Crusher begins, "Captain Picard and I would like to welcome you back to Earth and congratulate you on your new appointment."

Kowtowing to the new Admiral! Before I left, seven years ago, Beverly was very much the friendly sort. We would hold each other up in the bars and come back drunk at night!

"Yes." Picard adds, "We thought we'd lost you when the Voyager vanished." It's so good that an invaluable member of Starfleet is back with us."

Oh puh-leeze! Pass the sickbag, someone!

"Call me Kate like you used to!" I yell out at last, "All this formality is driving me crazy! For seven years I've had to maintain top rank as Captain on a tin can at the other end of the galaxy. It's about time you let the Starfleet collar off!"

"Err...yes, Admiral...I mean Kate." Jean-Luc answers, still rather reluctant to address a superior officer in that way, even off duty.

Beverly is different. She stands up and hugs me tightly.

"Welcome back, Kate!" she says warmly. "I've missed you SO much!"

"That's more like it!" I answer, "Now remember, Jean-Luc, the next time you visit here, leave your starchy collar behind."


"Now, Bev, I haven't been to the Starfleet Mall in seven years, nor have we been able to go to the bar and have enough drinks that we get thrown out.."

"That's something we are going to have to do." Bev answers, "But be sure that you don't end up in jail. It won't look good on your Admiral's resume."

"Well it was already on yours and mine the last time we did it." I guess one more won't harm!"

Jean-Luc rolls his eyes. He always was the party pooper.

He won't be invited!

Saturday, June 23, 2012

TWQ: Film Prequels

This week, TWQ (the Weekend  Question) invites you to submit some supposed prequels to famous movies. Time to get your sense of humour going!

List some supposed prequels to famous movies. Name as many as you wish.

My answers are:

 * Tomorrow  (the Day After Tomorrow)
* W Men (X Men)
* Men in Beige (Men in Black)
* Let's Not Bother About Kevin, He's Just Going Through A Phase (We Need To Talk About Kevin)
* Alice Lives Here (Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore)
* Hello Baby Jane (Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?)
* The Puppy of The Baskervilles (The Hound of The Baskervilles)

Now it's over to you....