In Sick Bay

Guest Post: The Doctor


"What is the nature of your medical emergency?" I say as I'm switched on. Sometimes I wish I had a different opening line.

Captain Picard is there.

"Doctor" he says, "The Enterprise has been in suspended animation for the last three years. I will need you, Doctor Crusher and Nuirse Delmara to help out with any stress the crew may have from learning that their loved ones have aged while they haven't."

The Captain walks out while I ponder this.

Three years? Another human foul-up I suppose.

Beverly approaches. I suppose she will want to take over the running of everything. Some things never change.

"We could have quite a rush of people, Doctor." she says, "Some of the crew might be very panic stricken about the outside universe ageing while they haven't. Give them a supply of stress pills."

Yes, sure. A stress pill is the answer to everything.

Penelope Delmara gives me a beaming smile and hugs me.

"Oh, Joe!" she exclaims, "It's go good to see you again. Though it seems like yesterday, I've missed having you around."

I must admit, I've missed her too. My personal nurse is the only one who calls me Joe. I must admit, I rather like it.

The first crewman comes in, holding his head as if it is going to fall off.

"I can't believe it." he says to himself, "My wife has probably got a new lover by now."

If she has any sense, she will, I think to myself.

Time to start giving out the stress pills. Before long, I might be wishing I could have one as well.

The Doctor's New Assistant (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Doctor













Though I objected at first to having a human medical assistant to help me in SickBay, I have been rather pleased with Penelope Delmara, a Spanish beauty who likes to be called Penny. She is also an expert with holograms and the rights they have. Penny is a campaigner to increase the rights.

------

"Hello Joe." she says to me, as Penny has insisted that all holograms should have a name, she has given me this one until I decide on one for myself. I must admit, I am getting rather used to the name and am getting to like it.

Penny is wearing a beautiful blue blouse that looks just right with her dark hair. What am I thinking? My programming seems to be going into unfamiliar territory.

"Joe?" she asks "Are you all right?"

"Err...yes, Penny." I hesitantly say, "Is there something you want?"

"I'm off duty now." she tells me, "I'm going to the holodeck, and inserting a beach program. Do you want to join me there?"

"Well. as a hologram I have some extra hours." I tell her.

"Nonsense!" Penny angrily says, "Holograms are not slaves. You have duty times just the same as other life forms. Come to Holodeck 2 in twenty minutes."

A short while later, I enter the holodeck to see a beautiful beach, with ocean water in the distance. The sun is beating down. There seems to be no one around.

"Still in your uniform, Joe!" Penny laughs, as I suddenly see her just to my right, under a sunshade in a black one-piece swimsuit, "We'll have to do something about that!"

Penelope calls up the Arch and adjusts some programming on it. Suddenly, my Starfleet uniform has changed into a pair of tiny beach shorts!"

"Penny!" I exclaim.

"My, don't you look rugged and handsome?" she says, "Come and lie next to me and put some sun tan lotion on my skin."

"I've never worn anything like these shorts before." I say, looking at the only garments I have on.

"Then be thankful I remembered to include them in the programming, Joe!" Penny smiles.

We both smile at this, then laugh at loud.

The Doctor's New Assistant (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Doctor













I'm arguing with Beverly Crusher, as usual, but this time it's about a different subject.

"I assure you, Doctor." I say, "That I most definately do not need a human assistant to help me with my medical work in SickBay. I have been programmed with the minds of the top doctors in Starfleet and am more than capable of handling things myself."

"Sorry, Doctor." she answers, "The order comes from up high at Starfleet HQ. Penelope Delmara not only is a qualified medical assistant, but is also an expert in holographics.2

I grumble, but know it won't do any good. I'll have some wrinkled old crone assisting me when I can do the job perfectly well by myself.

-------------

A few hours later, Doctor Crusher and I are standing by in the Transporter Room to welcome aboard my new assistant. The familiar buzzing takes place, and she appears in the room.

"Ah, hello Doctor Crusher." says the new arrival, in a charming Spanish accent, "I have heard so much about you. Pleased to meet you. I'm Penelope Delmara. Everyone calls me Penny."

Then she turns to me.

"I'm the holographic doctor." I say with a pleasant smile, "Welcome aboard the Enterprise."

"But what is your name?" she asks, "All holograms should have a name."

"I've never got round to it." I reply.

"Well, we'll have to do something about that!" Penny declares, "It's the fundamental right of all holograms to be individually named. I've campaigned for hologram activism for a long time. For the moment, I'll call you Joe until you decide on your name by yourself."

"Thank you, Penny." I say, warming to this young woman.

"No problem....Joe." she answers with a beaming smile as we prepare to leave the Transporter Room.

I think I'm going to like my new assistant!

To be continued.....

Starfleet Redundancies (Part Two)

My whole ready room is filled with noise and shouting, every member of the senior staff trying to talk above the other.

Ever since Starfleet put the word out that there are likely to be redundancies across the board, the crew have been thrown into a panic

I try to call order, but my voice cannot be heard. Bev gets a dreinking close and taps it loudly on the table. The noise goes over everything.

"Quiet for the Captain!!!" she yells out next to my ear.

I stand up and address them all when the ringing has gone from my ears.

"Now I know that you are all concerned." I start, "At this moment, we don't who what will be happening...."

"Too right!" says a female voice from the back that sounds very much like Lieutenant Britney. Others start making various complaining points.



"What about me?" protests Alyssa Orgawa, "I haven't been here that long. Is it going to be 'last in, first out'? I'm too young to be on the galactic dole queue.."

"I suppose they will be switching me off to save money!" grumbles the holographic doctor.

"There is a chance I may not be required also." Data calmly comments.



"What if Worfie gets the push?" Jadzia points out, "What will I do? There are a lot of couples here whose lives will be disrupted because of this."

A huge amount of talking ensues at this comment.

"You have a good point there, Jadzia." I say, "We need to be sure that the lives of couples and familes are not broken down as a result. I'm sure the person who comes to do the one-to-one with us will take that into account"

All of a sudden, I get a message, which I pass on to the others.

"I have just had word that the interviewer from Starfleet has arrived, and is now on board,"

To be continued after the TWQ........

Doctor Alyssa Ogawa (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Alyssa Ogawa

My arrival back on the Enterprise was met with a little resistance from Beverly as she feared I was encroaching on her territory now that I am a doctor. However, things developed when she collaped. I analysed that she has a virus in her appendix. It needs to be removed right away, otherwise she will die.

-----

I get my surgical gear on. As I expect, Captain Picard shows up, looking distraught, as if he has been told there is no more Earl Grey tea on the ship.

"Doctor Orgawa.." he stutters, "What is going on?"

"You must let me operate now." I reply in my best 'professional doctor' voice. "If I act fast, I will be able to save her."

I call up the EMH to assist me.



"What is the nature of the medical emerge....oh."  he says as the Doctor sees Beverly lying on the operating table, then looks at me.

"You are a mere nurse." he tells me coldly, "I will have to carry out the operation."

"I'm a doctor now!" I reply sharply, "Update your programming. You will assist me by handing out the instruments."

"Handing out the instruments!" he gasps, "I am not a nurse!"

"Doctor." calls out Captain Picard, "Please assist Doctor Orgawa so that Beverly lives." The EMH  mutters, as if he has been told he can't sing opera any more.



Fortunately, the Captain is backing me up, although I've got a strong feeling that if I fail to save Beverly, I'll be back amongst the bedpans faster than I can say "I'm sorry Captain."

I open Beverly up and see the poisoned appendix. The virus in it is about to spread throughout the rest of the body, but the removal of that stops it happening. I check throughout to make sure there were no traces left inside and sew her back up again.

"Well done, Doctor Orgawa." the EMH grudgingly says, "Your fast work saved the patient's life. Had I examined it, it may have taken a little longer and maight have endangered her."

"You did a magnificent job, Doctor Orgawa." the Captain tells me.

-------------

Hours later, a slightly sleepy Beverly is sitting up, and has been told of everything that happened.



She hugs me.

"Thank you, Alyssa." she says, "You saved my life.". She then hesitantly continues, "I  know I was a little cold towards you when you returned. I'm sorry for that. Welcome back to the Enterprise."

Holodeck On The Blink (Part Three)

Have you ever considered anything so ridiculous. Bev is is in the broken down holodeck with me, unable to get out after we passed through a cloud, which shorted out the systems. As we were in swim costumes lying on the Copacabana Beach of brazil, she had her bikini on, and I had my Speedos trunks on. Now I'm sitting in a black room which went for a few seconds to the arctic wastes!

---------

"What is Riker going to do?" Bev asks desperately, "We can't go on like this!"

"He's sending the holographic doctor in by special transport. They can't risk beaming us out they way things are, Bev." I reply, "He should be able to correct the fault that is in here. We can't get to it."

"But I only have my bikini on!" she protests.

"He's a doctor, Bev." He knows what men and women look like."

A few moments later a figure beams in.



The doctor looks around, then notices Bev, who is valiantly trying to cover every part of her body with her hands. He raises an eyebrow.

"There's no need to be shy, Dr Crusher." he says calmly, "My programming knows all about different bodies, and have indeed conducturing numerous medical examinations on many of the crew."

He then turns round and sees me wearing my micro-thin Speedos trunks.

This time he raises both eyebrows.

"Excuse me, Captain." he says, and walks quickly to the Arch on the other side of the room.

I hear him trying to control the giggling; eventually it gets louder, with the howls of laughter filling the room.

"Doctor!" I shout, "Can you do what you came to do?"

"Err...yes, very well." he answers, "I errr...think there must have been something wrong with my program."

The hologram reaches up into the Arch and starts to adjust a few buttons that are not accessible from inside.

Eventually, the entrance opens, and we see the corridor. Crew are walking past and watching us. We shut the door quickly. The doctor manages to retrieve our uniforms from the Arch wall that we could not open before.

"Everything is all fixed now." says the doctor, "You may put your uniforms and leave."

"Is the Copacabana Beach program repaired as well." Bev asks. The doctor confirms that it is.

"In that case." she says to him, "When you've left, the Captain and I have an appointment with an ice cream seller on the beach."

"Double scoop for me, please, Bev." I ask.

The Doctor On Night Shift

Guest Poster: The Doctor

It's a wonder I ever get to put anything on a computer log.

What with all the mundane duties that Crusher gives me to do, such as cleaning out the electronic bedpans, the only brief time I get to sneak an entry on is when there are few patients around and Crusher and the Captain are on one of their assignations.

Of course, the medical staff never mention where she goes, but occasionally I like to say a few choice comments like "Had a good time while I've been working away?"

That usually gets me switched off for a few hours, but I don't mind. It's fun seeing the expression on Crusher's face when it reddens.

Tonight, none of the medical staff are in. They are all at the Enterprise cinema watching the new science fiction that has just come out. Naturally, they didn't ask me.

"I'm sure you'll do well at the Sick Bay, Doctor." she had said to me, "Just don't sing any opera to them. You know it disturbs them."

Pah! What does she know? The woman has no class. All she knows is how to tapdance. It's no use doing that, like she was the other week, and a patient was suffering from Dyrellian Fever with his skin falling off.

I sang a burst from La Boheme this morning. The patients seemed to relax a lot from it. At least until one of them keeled over. I'm sure the incidents are unrelated.

I hear a sound behind me.



"Hiya Doc." asks Guinan, "Is everything running smoothly?"

"Yes, it is." I reply, "I thought you'd be at the cinema with the others seeing the new film."

"No." she answers, "I've seen it before."

I look puzzled.

"I thought it was a Premiere tonight?"

"So it is." Guinan answers, "It just so happens I was the Executive Producer."

"A neat sideline from running Ten Forward."

"I guess it is, Doc" she says, "Let's hear some more opera."

"Well, Doctor Crusher asked me not to." I tell her.

"Do you always do what she says, Doctor?" Guinan asks with a knowing glance.

"Err....not always." I laugh.

"Great!" Guinan tells me, "Let's start with some Bizet".

I swing into The Toreador Song as Guinan puts cotton wool in the ears of the patients.

Tonight won't be so bad after all!

Emergency Command Hologram (Part Three)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

With me running the Enterprise as Emergency Command Hologram, things were supposed to be running smoothly.

I've come up with what might me a problem.

With the rest of the crew in stasis while the ship travels through a large poison gas cloud in order to deliver medical supplies, Vic Fontaine, the holographic night club singer and I find a ship is heading in our direction.

------------

"What shall we do?" I say to Fontaine.

"Well, we don't know if it's hostile or not." he replies, "How about a friendly greeting?"



"It doesn't look too friendly." I say, "It's a warship."

Nevertheless, I give out the bright cheery greeting, welcoming them. They reply by hailing us.



When we are on visual, I see the strange image of a figure in a silver pressure suit. Not a pretty sight.

"This is the USS..." I start to say

"You should not be functioning!" the figure shouts loudly, "I am Commander Falas of the Breen race. We sent this poison cloud across this sector."

I am about to tell him I am a hologram, but Fontaine jumps up and tells him we are impervious to it. Despite the Breen Commander wearing a pressure suit, I can tell when someone is frustrated.

"We have superior weapons capability, Doctor." Fontaine tells me.

"Very well." I say smugly, as if I am about to assign bedpan duty to Beverly Crusher, "Use a torpedo to take out their weapons array."

We do so, and leave them stranded.

We both sing The Toreador Song, followed by I've Got You Under my Skin!

----------------

Some hours later, we have gone through the gas cloud. All the crew come out of stasis, and I tell the Captain what happened.

"We may have to watch out for the Breen in future." he tells me, "There aren't that many presssure suited aliens around. Well done, Doctor. Time to change you back."

I think I may like the times I'm ECH. Red looks so much better than blue!

Emergency Command Hologram (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

Anyone seeing my picture above will note a distinct difference. The red in it means I am now an Emergency Command Hologram, and can start being in control.

What has happened is that Picard and the other solids have to pass through a poison gas cloud in the Enterprise so that they can deliver medical supplies to Vasilon IV. They will all have to be placed in stasis pods for the journey. Even the android Data has to go in one. I'll be running the ship when that happens!

-------------

"Well, that's it, Doctor." Picard tells me as he stands next to his stasis pod, "Once I get in, you'll be in charge of the Enterprise. I'll see you on the other side of the gas cloud."



He jumps in, and looks and Beverly Crusher's pod. I think he wishes the pods were made for two. As it slides shut, the mist goes over, and the Captain falls asleep.

"Right." I say to myself, "Now we have a decent person running the ship, I'll make sure it's running properly.

I go up to the Bridge, and find the Captain's seat already occupied.



"Hiya, Doc." Vic Fontaine says cheerily, "How are things?"

"You're in my seat, Mr Fontaine!" I point out sharply, "I'm the Emergency Command Hologram. See the red uniform? It means I'm in charge. You're around in case I need anything doing. Is that clear?"

"Whoah, Doc." Fontaine replies, "Keep your hair on...I mean stay calm. I was just keeping the place running until you got here."

"All right." I tell him, "As long as you understand that."

"Yeah, sure. Boy, this voyage in the cloud is gonna seem like an eternity." he says to himself sarcastically.

-----

We have been travelling a while in the poison cloud. I'm in the Captain's Chair, and Fontaine is on the Com. He starts humming I've Got You Under My Skin before eventually singing it.

"Do you mind?" I tell him, "You are getting under MY skin singing that. Kindly keep quiet!"

"And I'm supposed to keep quiet while you sing out The Toreador Song?" Fontaine answers, "Frankly I find opera very boring."

"BORING?" I say aghast, "Clearly when you were programmed, taste wasn't included. Opera is one of the most beautiful forms of..."

"Hold on!" interrupts Fontaine, "There is something on the sensors. An alien ship is approaching us in the poison gas cloud."

To be continued...

Emergency Command Hologram (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

I am summoned to the Ready Room of Captain Picard.

On the way there, I think to myself whether Beverly Crusher has been reporting me for anything I've done with the bedpans, or have been singing too loudly.

Surely my recital of that part from Turandot didn't disturb the patients. I know it was the middle of the night, but a little opera will do them a lot of good.

"Ah, Doctor." Picard exclaims, as I enter. "Do come in and sit down. I have decided to entrust you with a most important mission."

What will it be? I say to myself. Checking patients who have particularly unpleasant illnesses that solid lifeforms would not want to do?

"A huge poison gas cloud is on it's way here." Picard goes on, "It's so vast that any attempt to go round would put days on our journey. We have to go through it, and it means the entire crew having to be put into stasis until we get out the other side. We have to arrive soon as we are delivering vital medical equipment to Vasilon IV."

"What does it mean to me?" I ask.

"We want to make you an Emergency Command Hologram for the duration, Doctor." he answers, "Vic Fontaine will give you any back-up."

Back-up from a nightclub singer? Still, I'm elated at this promotion.

"Err...what about the robo....I mean Commander Data?" I ask, "The gas would not affect him."

"We have done some tests." Picard answers, "It seems the gas could burn into his positronic brain, so he will have to go into stasis like everyone else."

I'm eager to start, but Picard lifts up his hand.

"Just a moment, Doctor." he says, "I just have to switch your setting with this watchamacallit."

He gets out a small box and starts twiddling with it.

"Now Doctor Zimmerman told me what to do." he mumbles to himself, "Do I turn this switch left or right?"

Does the man know what he is doing? Sussenly I start to change...



That's more like it!

To be continued...

The Artificial Life Forms Convention (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Data

The Doctor is still looking annoyed that his holographic opposite number on the USS Rhode Island chooses to call himself 'Ted' and is a very different personality. Ted informs us that he like soft music and heavy metal, much to the disgust of our Doctor.

The doctors, plus myself, Grell, Vic Fontaine and Seven of Nine are all at the Artificial Life Forms Convention. No carbon based units are allowed. Seven only managed to get in when she disconnected the robot guard.

--------

"There are humans over there." I point out, ""I thought they were not allowed."

"Yes." deduces the Doctor, "They are only employed as servants, to wash the tables and deliver things." I see that the Doctor has a very smug expression when he says that, as if that is the way it is meant to be.

"Hey" says Vic, "What's that going on over there. It looks like a beauty pageant. I should have been compering that."

We all walk over. The robot compere is just about to announce the winner.

"Fellow beings." he announces, "I will now be announcing the result of this years Best Female Artificial Life Form."



"Why was I not told about this?" complains Seven, "I would have won this event easily. Had I not, I would have disconnected the Judges."

I am about to remind Seven that she is not completely an artificial life form and that part of her is human, but refrain as she might switch me off.

The compere continues.

"The Winner is a Miss...Six!"



A blonde woman in a figure-hugging transparent red dress marches on to the stage, looking very pleased with her win.

"Wow!" comments Vic Fontaine, "Is she really an artificial life form? I wouldn't have known."

---------

Ten minutes later, Six is walking around, clutching her trophy. Seven marches up to her.

"You look human to me!" Seven says aggressively, "What are you?"

"I'm a Cylon." Six explains, "We are ultra-sophisticated copies of the human species, unlike the crude joining up of carbon and cyborg elements that the Borg practice."

"We are Borg!" shouts Seven, "Resistance is futile."

"Keep on thinking that, Borg drone." warns Six, "While all the time, the Cylons are working away, taking what is yours."

Seven goes purple with rage, and we all have to restrain her. Then Six sees me.

"Now YOU are far more interesting." she says, "Who and what are you?"

I explain that I am Data, an android created by Dr Noonian Soong.



"Fascinating." comments Six, "You really must come back with me, as you would be an interesting companion to have."

"I must decline." I reply, "I am a Starfleet Officer and have a human girlfriend by the name of Jennifer Baxter."

"A human!" Six exclaims, "You are a traitor to the life form you are. I will see that you come with me in good time."

Six marches off.

"That was scary." Vic comments, "I think we might have a bit of trouble with Six and the Cylons."

"The Borg will annihilate them!" Seven says confidentally.

"Don't be too sure, sweetie." Doctor Ted tells her, "We haven't heard the last of her."

With that, the Convention starts to draw to a close, all of us leave, most of us with more concern then when we came in.

The Artificial Life Forms Convention (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

I've been looking forward to this covention. At last a place where artificial life forms can be with our own kind.

I'm going along with Data, Vic Fontaine and Seven of Nine. She demanded to go, although I said that she was an assimilated human named Annika Hansen, and ought not to be allowed to come.

That got her back up.

"I am not human!" she had shouted, "We are Borg!"

Captain Picard urged me to allow her to come along, although I told him she may have difficulty getting through the admission gate.

"Why is it called that, Doctor?" asks Data, pointing to a sign.

I groan.

"Calling it The ALF Convention sounds so derogatory." I say, "It's hardly respectful. I imagine some carbon solid thought of that."

"Loosen up, Doc." says Fontaine, "We're here to enjoy ourselves."

We approach the Entrance, Seven is stopped by the Admission Guard Robot.



"You cannot enter here." he says firmly, "This Convention is for Artificial Life Forms only."

Seven gets angry and quickly pulls the power supply out of his back so that he crumbles to the floor.

"Resistance is futile!" Seven states triumphantly, "We are the Borg."

As we get through, I see lots of Artificial Life Forms that look like me.

"Wow!" says Fontaine, "We'll have to remember we leave with the right one!"

Two figures approach; one is a doctor that looks like me, the other is a green-skinned robot.



"Greetings." he says, "I am Grell, the clockwork robot from the USS Rhode Island, where Wesley Crusher and his wife Karena are assigned. This is our holographic doctor."

"Pleased to meet you." I reply, shaking hands with myself.

"Would you mind winding me up?" Grell asks Data, while carrying a giant key, "It will keep me going for the next thirty minutes. I hate to run down while in conversation. I sometimes miss the end of a good joke."

"What's your name?" the Rhode Island holographic doctor asks me.

"I never really thought of one." I answer, "So I just use Doctor."

"How boring!" he replies, "I thought at first of Bill, but people might think I was a Quack Doctor! Geddit! Bill, duck, quack?"

He pokes me in the ribs as he laughs. What is wrong with his programming?

"Anyway." he continues, "I settled for Ted."

I wince.

"Do you like opera?" I ask him.

"No way, man." answers Ted, "No offence, but that's way too starchy for me. I like to hang loose, listening to soft music or heavy metal."

I shudder.

"Actually." comments Fontaine drily, "I think we'll be able to tell them apart. Now let's enjoy the Covention."

To be continued...

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part Three)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

With the entire Enterprise staff beamed on to another planet, the holo entertainer Vic Fontaine and I are trying to save the ship from being taken to a scrapheap by the Myranians, a most unpleasant race who really only want the metal and parts for their own use.

Personally I wouldn't mind, but my program is embedded in the ship, and I have been promoted to Emergency Command Hologram for this mission. A status I rather like, as I can boss someone around, even if it is just a holographic singer.

----------

"What are we going to do?" shouts Fontaine in desperation, "If we don't take out the other five Myranians, us and the ship will be sold as scrap to a merchant."



"Then we have to act quickly." I answer, "Let's go to Engineering."

We open the doors to see two of them working on a screen. They turn round and fire powerful weapons at us. They pass right through us, but both of us start to flicker.

The holo emitter was hit! Isn't that always the way? Why are they put in such prominent places.

Fortunately, our disruptors strike them and finish them off, and we run out of Engineering before we disappear.

"We just made it into the corridor." I say, "Let's get the other three. This will be the most difficult, there being so many."

"I'd rather be singing I've Got You Under My Skin right now." complains Fontaine.

"You're getting under my skin right now." I retort, "Let's get the job done."

It's sometimes hard being in command when your subordinates are troublesome and whine a lot.
Instead of taking the turbolift, we decide to use the element of surprise and beam ourselves in with guns blazing, like cowboys and their six-shooters in the saloon.

-----------

We both appear on the Bridge, firing our disruptors at anything that moves.



"What..." the Myranian sitting in Captain Picard's seat said as he turned round.

It turned out to be the last thing he said. The other two get destroyed with ease with our six shooters...I mean disruptors.

--------------------------

Several hours later, we arrive at the planet where the beaming signal came from, and all the crew are returned to the ship.

"Well done, Doctor and Mr Fontaine." says the Captain, "You did an excellent job of saving the ship, "Had we lost the ship, we would have had to pay for a new one out of our salaries."

Never mind that I would have ceased to exist!

Doctor Crusher approaches.

"You did really well." she says with praise, "The Captain will put you back to being a normal EMH again. The burden of responsibility is tough. I know you wouldn't like to be a permant ECH."

Thanks for asking! As if I have any say.

"Jean-Luc....I mean the Captain and I will be going to the cinema tonight." she continues, "So you'll be on bedpan duty during that time."

Sure. That's what all heroes have to do!

-----------------------------

Authors's Note:

Mimi sent me a meme regarding her 'Message In A Bottle'. See her blog for the rules. This is my bottle:




Author's Note:

This is the 599th Post. Be here for the next one, which is a combined TWQ and 600th Post!

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Docter

What is the nature of your medical emergency?

That's typical. That call me up and then there's no one around.

It's strange, though, as the Sick Bay is empty. Dr Crusher is usually ordering people around.

Suddenly a holo- image of Captain Picard appears in front of me.

"Doctor." he says, "We have an urgent mission for you. The Myranians have beamed us all of this ship. The Enterprise is being taken to one of their scrapyards to be destroyed and useful parts taken. You must stop them before it's too late. Enlist the help of Vic Fontaine, the holo singer. I'm giving you the status for this mission of ECH...Emergency Command Hologram. You will be able to locate us by the beeper signal Commander Data has within him. Good luck."

It's like a tape should be burning at this point like a 1970's tv series at this point.

My uniform changes to Command Red.

Now they want me. Doctor Crusher keeps giving me the drudging jobs like sweeping the floor and cleaning the bedpans. The mood soon changes when they need me.

I decide to call the computer.

"How many Myranians are there on board the Enterprise?"

"There are six. Three on the Bridge, two in Engineering and one in Ten Forward."

Next I'll get Vic Fontaine.

I go to the Holodeck where The Sands nightclub is,. Fortunately holo emitters have been installed throughout the ship, so I can move freely.

Opening the door, I see Fontaine rehearsing, singing I Get A Kick Out Of You. I explain the situation.



"That's tough." Fontaine muses, "It's not much use if I don't have an audience to sing to every night."

I roll my eyes in despair. "That's not all. Our programs will be destroyed when the Enterprise is scrapped."

"Okay, Doctor." he says, "We've got a big problem. Now what I suggest is..."

"I'm in charge!" I remind Fontaine sharply, "See the red on the uniform? I'm the ECH. The C stands for Command, now you have to do what I tell you."

"Yeah, sure." he replies, "Keep your hair on, fellah. You're the boss man."

"Good." I say with a satisfied air, "We'll go to Ten Forward and take out the Myranian who is on his own, hopefully without alerting the others. "

"What about weapons?" Fontaine reminds me, as if I've forgotten.

"I know about them." I say, "The armoury happens to be on the way there."

----------

We get kitted out so that we look like a pair of Rambos. Disruptor phasers shouldn't make too much noise, but it'll make a great impression on a Myranian when we fire.

The two of us enter Ten Forward. The Myranian turns round in surprise and we ventilate him with our disruptors.

"One down, five to go, Doctor." Fontaine comments.

I look outside and see a planet with scraps of starships flying around.

"We've arrived at the scrapyard." I say in alarm, and take a look on the surface with our scanner.



"We'll have to work quickly." I comment, "Otherwise that will be us. I don't fancy being the spare part of an old alien starship."

To be continued...

Macbeth: Picard's Birthday Present (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

Isn't it typical!

That Doctor Crusher always gets me to do the menial jobs in the SickBay. Only when she WANTS something is her behaviour any different.

"Oh, Doctor." she wails, tears, running down her cheeks, "You have to help us, the Captain is in terrible trouble."

You see. NOW they want me.

Commander Riker follows and explains that the Captain is trapped in a holodeck where a Macbeth program is playing. All the characters in the play are aware of who he is, and have turned on him. He needs medical assistance. He can't be beamed out, and none can be beamed in. Only a hologram could go in and help him.

I sigh, and agree to help. Wait until Crusher gives me another menial job.

---------

My appeearance is changed to that befitting the play. I have a sword and a medic bag with me. Now I beam in.

I am in a castle. I see a strange looking woman. She places a crown on her head, then holds a dagger, ready to strike.



Lady Macbeth:Was the hope drunk
Wherein you dress'd yourself? hath it slept since?
And wakes it now, to look so green and pale
At what it did so freely? From this time
Such I account thy love. Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem,
Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'
Like the poor cat i' the adage?
Picard, thy must be gone like the scurvy that you are.

I see the Captain lying down, already injured from some wounds.

Stepping in front of Lady Macbeth, I speak to her.

"I'm sorry." I tell her, "I cannot allow you to do that."

She strikes at me, but it goes through.

Lady Macbeth: What manner of man art thee, hologram!
Not mortal, but protector of the infernal Picard,
Who should be vanquished from this Program!

I reach up and grab the dagger from Lady Macbeth, who runs off wailing around the castle. In the meantime, I tend to the Captain.

"Thank you, Doctor." he tells me, "The entire cast are trying to kill me. It's worse than being the negotiator in a peace deal between the Klingons and the Romulans."

"Yes." I tell him, and apply a band-aid, plus a hypospray, "Is there long to go in the play?"

"We might need to fight against them?" he replies, "Are you good at swordplay?"

"Well, I have a sword." I tell him.

"You're halfway there!" he comments.

--------------

Lady Macbeth has returned, this time wearing a golden nightgown. From my knowledge of the play, she is now very unhinged.



She grabs the Captain from behind.

Lady Macbeth: To bed, to bed, Picard! there's knocking at the gate:
come, come, come, come, give me your hand. What's
done cannot be undone.--To bed, to bed, to bed!

She tries to kill the Captain with another dagger, but I disarm her.

"Come, my Lady." I tell her, "This is no time for violence. Have a stress pill."

Again she runs off screaming.

The Captain gets up. "It's coming to the tough part. A lot of the remaining cast will come. Macbeth is supposed to get killed now. Malcolm and Macduff will be out to get me."

"I'll have to be between them." I sigh. Why do I end up doing this? I never get thanked for it?

Macduff steps forward:

Macduff: Then yield thee, cowardly Captain Picard,
And live to be the show and gaze o' the time:
We'll have thee, as our rarer monsters are,
Painted on a pole, and underwrit,
'Here may you see the tyrant.'

"You're not having my head on a pole." says the Captain, "I prefer to keep it attached to my neck."

The two of us engage in a lot of swordplay. Their swords go through me. Eventually they tire and I manage to get them and they vanish.

When all are vanquished, the cast call out in voices:

Hail, King of Scotland!

The holodeck returns to being a black room.

----------

I am returned to the SickBay, where Doctor Crusher thanks me profusely for saving the Captain.

She also reminds me to clean out the bedpans.

Isn't it typical!

Party Aftermath

Why does my head feel like a hammer is striking it constantly?

I close down the Christmas Party on the Sands holodeck and stagger towards the Bridge in a dazed manner. All the drew are walking around in a state of semi-consiousness as if they are a group of zombies on the march.

I reach the turbolift and mumble where I wish to go. Hopefully Data is manning the ship while the crew are recovering from the Party.

"Please repeat." says the computer.

Struggling, I pick myself up from the floor and find a wall to hold on to.

"Take-me-to-the-Bridge." I say slowly and methodically.

"Affirmative"

The turbolift opens at the Bridge and I fall out on to the floor.

"Hello, Captain"

"Hello, Captain."

"Greetings, Locutus."

The trio of voices is not those I was expecting to hear, and I look up to see who they are.

In the Captain's chair is the Doctor in his Emergency Command Hologram setting; to his right, in the ship's com chair is Vic Fontaine, and in Riker's Chair is the Borg Queen, who is still wearing her blue paper hat from a Christmas cracker.

"Just what is going on?" I ask before I fall on the floor again, "Where is Lieutenant Commander Data?"



"I regret to inform you that Commander Data is not capable of functioning right now." the Doctor tells me, "He is currently undergoing recharging after the excess energy that was used during the Party."

"I know how he feels" I reply, "Right now, I am not capable of functioning, and require recharging as well."

"As a result." the Doctor continues snootily, "I took it upon myself to change to the Emergency Command Function so that I may run the ship."



"No matter that I am better at running the ship." interrupts the Borg Queen, "As the Queen in charge of Unimatrix 01, I have more experience at command than you do."

"You are a Borg." the Doctor tells her, "I am qualified to run a Starship when in this Mode.

"I would have assimilated you had you not been a hologram!" the Borg Queen says angrily.

They continue to argue.

"It's been like this since the three of us came on the Bridge, Captain." Vic Fontaine tells me, "Both think they are better at leadership."

"Not only that, Captain." the Doctor tells me, "I have had to hear Mr Fontaine singing away to himself, with tunes like 'Fly Me To The Moon' and 'I've Got You Under My Skin.' Well I can tell you, Mr Fontaine, you got under MY skin!"

"What about you, Doctor?" Vic retorts, "You've been singing pieces of opera all the time. It's worse than hearing nails scrape down a blackboard."

"I've had to listen to BOTH of them, Locutus." the Borg Queen tells me, "Which is more than anyone should endure."

"ALL RIGHT!!" I shout. My head was throbbing enough before, but now it is falling apart at the seams.

I motion the Doctor to move off the Captain's chair and then slump on it; then I turn to the Borg Queen.

"Thank you for helping to look after the ship." I tell her.

"My pleasure, Locutus." she says with a smile, "I look forward to seeing you at the Party next year, or when we assimilate you. Whichever comes first."

I'm not sure whether she was joking there. The Borg transporter beam takes her away.

"Take us to Starbase 4" I command, "Make it so."

That's the last thing I remember before falling asleep.

-----------------

And now a meme!

Splotchy's Story Meme



I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.

I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIAm)

I half noticed at first glimpse that there was something odd amidst the solidified apple sauce as I reached for the broom and the dust pan. As I knelt down to clean up the frozen mess, I could clearly see a tiny figure within the goopy mess. It was a human eye, with tiny arms and legs! I resisted my initial urge to pick it up with my hand, and then reached down to scoop it up with the dustpan. The eye looked up at me in horror and gave out a frightening high pitched screech as it ran for the living room.

I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. I didn't even like applesauce - And I had guests coming for dinner! It would not be proper to have a homunculus eyeball running around during the appetizer - I had to think fast. I crept into the living room so as to not startle the small creature. The eyeball was under the coffee table, peeking out from behind one of table legs. When I approached, it quickly darted under the couch!

I got on my hands and knees to look under the couch, but I could not see the eye through all of the old newspapers and dust bunnies that had accumulated under there. I had to hurry! the guests were coming at seven o'clock, and I had not even started the buffalo chicken skewers with blue cheese dipping sauce yet! Not to mention the couscous and the broccoli noodle salad. (Zaius Nation)

I shook my head and leaned back against the wall. Surely this couldn’t be happening, surely there isn’t an anthropomorphic eyeball running around under my couch. It just couldn’t be real, could it?

“Ahem,” a little voice squeaked. “Ahem.”

I looked all around for the source of the voice. I finally found that it was from the eyeball peering around the back of the couch. I leaned in and looked at it closer. It still appeared to be uneasy (I mean, I’m sure that’s how it appeared, but then again I’m not all that certain about behavior patterns of walking eyeballs.

“Did you say something?” I asked it.

“You’re not going to poke me are you?” it asked. “I hate getting poked.”

“Uh no,” I answered dumbfounded. “I won’t poke you.”

“And you’re not going to lock me away in a jar of applesauce are you?”

“No, I’m not going to do that,” I replied, still bewildered by the sight in front of me.

“OK.” He made the eyeball equivalent of a nod, hitched up a pair of nonexistent trousers, adjusted the chimerical hat on his head, and walked up to me. “I am forever in debt to you, sir, for freeing me from the confines of that jar.”

“OK, sure,” I smiled lamely. “How’d you get in there?”

“The evil wizard trapped me in there,” he answered. “He knows the only way to trap a geneye is to use a jar of applesause.”

“You’re… you’re a geneye,” I managed to blurt out. I may not get the appetizers done, but this may be one heckuva party anyways.

“At you service,” it bowed. “And to thank you for freeing me, I would like to reward you with two wishes.”

“Oh, so you’re like a genie.” It all started to make sense to me now. No, not really.

“Yes,” it rolled its eye. “Like a genie, only we’re geneyes. They sure do know how to warp a good story in Hollywood, don’t they?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, again dumbfoundedly. “So I get two wishes? What about three?”

“Ugh!” the geneye slapped the top of its head, or the top of its eyeball at least. “You get two. Two. Only two. That’s how it works. And no wishing for more wishes, we’re onto that. Aladdin tried that once, it wasn’t pretty.”

“OK, so I get two, let me think,” I said thoughtfully. Screw the party, this is way more interesting.

“Yeah, hurry up, I don’t have all day,” the magical homunculus eyeball tapped it’s foot. “I’ve got places to go.”

“OK, OK,” I answered. Well, I could always wish for a lot of money, except that never works in the stories. The villain always wishes for riches and gets trapped in the cave with the gold, or sent to the bottom of the sea with it or audited by the IRS because of it. As much as I’d like to pay off the mortgage, I don’t think I can.

“Well?” it asked impatiently.

“I want peace on Earth and good will toward men,” I say with a forfeiting shrug.

“Peace on Earth and good will toward men?” it repeated. “Is that one wish or two?”

“One,” I replied. “You know, ‘tis the season and all.”

“Nice choice,” it nodded. Then the geneye snapped its fingers. “It is done.”

I felt it. For one moment, I felt nothing but peace and joy all around me. Others felt it, too but no one would ever be able to explain it. All around the world, people stopped what they were doing and just enjoyed the moment. Evil men stopped thinking evil thoughts and just smiled nicely. The hurt, the sick, and all who were in pain be it physical, mental, or spiritual, felt the warmth of a brief reprieve. Bells rang. Angels sang. Then I felt it end.

“Hey, that was nice,” I said. “Why didn’t it last?”

“Come on,” the magical being snorted. “I’m not that powerful. You got one more wish.”

One more wish. What should I wish for? Hmmm. (Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator )

"How about 'as many wishes as I'd like?"

"Hey! That's cheating." the Eye said, "It's not allowed in the Geneye Code Of Conduct. It's one wish only, and that's your lot."

"How about 'trying to understand the opposite sex?'" I suggested.

"Too tough" it replied, "No being is as capable of such an undertaking."

I sighed and thought. This was going to be harder than I imagined. I wanted this wish to be a good one that was value for money.

Suddenly I thought about it. Friendship.

"How about friendship?"

"It's possible." said the Eye.

"Would it last a long time?"

"Oh, sure." the Eye replied, "It's not like that peace and goodwill one where it applies to all. A wish like that means you'd always have good friends."

"That sounds great." I said, "I'll select as my other wish to always have friends, and no enemies,"

"Fair enough" and the Eye clapped his fingers.

Suddenly the telephone started ringing.... Captain Picard

This is an installment of Splotchy's Story Meme. According to Splotchy, "Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out." You can read all of the details here

The following people may wish to try it themselves: you are under no obligation.
Eastcoastlife
Serina Hope
Curmudgeon
Titania Starlight

Deanna & Riker Take Over (Part Three)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

Why I end up having to fix everything for Picard and other other solids is beyond me. It just goes to show that us holograms are valued far more than they would have us believe.

As Commander Riker and Counselor Troi have been hypnotised with a sleeper code used by Sloan of the subversive Starfleet organisation Section 31, they have taken over the ship and locked everone away. They are taking the ship to a rendevous point where the Enterprise will be fitting with a cloaking device so it can do lots of evil things.

Picard has already told me that anaesthetic gas cannot be filtered through to the Bridge as that has been circumvented by the computer. I am the only way of sorting things out...as usual!

Beverly Crusher wishes me the best of luck; that's a first. Usually she assumes complete control in the Sickbay and only calls on me as a last resort. My superior talents are never called for.

Come to think of it, I was never invited to the Enterprise Quiz that was in Ten Forward. I would have done well in the 'opera' category.

Still, back to the present.

I walk through the door; as there are holoprojectors around, I can walk around the ship at will. Crusher only usually lets me do that in the night shift when she is asleep and the crew want me to give them a band aid or something trivial.

There is no one around, as the crew are in their quarters; I need to get to the Bridge and access the 'release' button for the doors that will get the crew out, and also to switch Data on.

I'm up to the Bridge door; this is it. I put my head in and take a peek; I want to be sure they don't catch and disconnect me. I'm writing a guide about opera this week, and don't want to lose it all.



Riker is in the Captain's seat, and Troi is with him.

"How are we going, imzadi?" she asks him in a purring voice.

"Almost two hours to rendezvous, Deanna" replies Riker, who leans over to kiss her; they embrace.

This is my chance; I sneak in and reprogram the computer; all the crew's doors are released. I then rush over and switch Commander Data on.

Before they know what is going on, Riker and Deanna are swiftly caught by Data and the rush of Worf's security guards that come in.

"Well done, Doctor." says Picard, "You've saved the Enterprise. We are indebted to you."

I'll get switched off again soon enough, I imagine.

------------------

A few hours later, I talk to the Captain.

"What will happen to Commander Riker and Deanna?" I ask, "And the Section 31 people at the rendezvous point?".

"Somehow, it seems the Section 31 people know everything." he replied, "They had intercepted my message to Starfleet as to the events that happened, and had fled from the point the Enterprise was programmed to go. As for Deanna and Riker, they will undergo deprogramming by Doctor Crusher and Commander Data. They should be fine soon. Let's hope no one reads out Dante's Divine Comedy for a while."

Beverly Crusher enters the room. She talks to the Captain quietly about a date at the Enterprise cinema. Saw XXXIX is on. She then turns to me.

"Err, Doctor." she starts, "Will you mind doing the night shift five hours earlier tonight? I've got an umm.... appointment elsewhere."

I grudgingly accept; sooner or later, these solids will know how important I am!


-------------------

Charmed And Dangerous (Dari) has tagged me to ask which five bloggers I would take along on a desert island to stay there for one year.

This isn't easy.

I'll go for Ciera as she would be a good companion as she thinks like me. Nic is a great friend with a practical resolve. Miss Cellania is good person that would keep spirits up. Nurse Ratched would help with any medical problems and Secret Squirrel would keep everything in order to stop us going into a panic.

Deanna & Riker Take Over (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

As Jean-Luc is thrown in to the Sickbay by Deanna and Riker, they smile at me.

"You two lovebirds can stay imprisoned in here, while we pilot the ship." says Deanna, "You ought to thank us for keeping you together."

"You'll never get away with it!" I tell them, "Starfleet will soon be on your trail; don't you realise that Sloan hypnotised you with that sleeper message. You are acting under his willpower."

They both give a typically evil laugh, like the villains that they've been turned into.

"On the contrary, Beverly." Riker answers, "He has opened our eyes to the truth. The crew are all locked in their quarters, and the Enterprise can be run on autopilot. When we get to the rendevous point with Sloan and the rest of Section 31, they will fit a cloaking mechanism to the ship."

"That's illegal" pipes up Jean-Luc, "The Treaty of Algeron strictly prohibits the use of cloaks on Federation vessels."

"That is true, Picard." answers Riker, "But Section 31 isn't a group that follows things by the book; besides, technically, they don't exist. The group will be able to carry a few subversive attacks on groups we don't particularly like, and none will be any the wider. Sloan tells me we have quite a few to get through!"

They both do another evil laugh and leave.

"Well, what do we do now, Jean-Luc?" I ask as we assess the situation, "We've got to regain control of the ship."



He thinks for a moment; I'm not sure if his expression reads 'I've got an idea' or 'I haven't a clue'. Unfortunally, they look very alike.

"Perhaps we could contact Seven?" he suggests, "Where is she now?"

"I thought of that." I tell him, "According to the computer, she is regenerating in her alcove, and they have circumvented the controls so her auto alarm clock has been switched off."

Then a thought occurs to me; we might have the answer right here.

"What about the EMH Doctor?" I suggest, "Since we've had holographic projectors fitted throughout the ship, he should be able to go through the ship and sabotage what they do."

"Well done, Bev!" exclaims Jean-Luc, and kisses me.

I ought to try and get a few more good idea in the future!

I activate the EMH.

"What is the nature of your medical emergency" he exclaims, then looks disappointed when he sees it is only us.

We explain the situation to him, then the Doctor smiles.

"Oh, I see all too clear." he tells us, "You keep me switched off and only activate me when there is something you can't handle. Once it's done, you switch me off again until the next time, or when you want the Sickbay sweeping up; I tell you this, it might be to my advantage Riker and Troi taking over. Perhaps Section 31 will treat me with a little more respect than you do and.."

"Look!" exclaims Jean-Luc, "What also may happen is that Section 31 might reprogram you, remove the holoprojectors or delete your program."

The Doctor pauses for a moment to weigh up the situation.

"Very well." he says, "I'll do it."

To be continued...