Thursday, January 17, 2008

Macbeth: Picard's Birthday Present (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

Isn't it typical!

That Doctor Crusher always gets me to do the menial jobs in the SickBay. Only when she WANTS something is her behaviour any different.

"Oh, Doctor." she wails, tears, running down her cheeks, "You have to help us, the Captain is in terrible trouble."

You see. NOW they want me.

Commander Riker follows and explains that the Captain is trapped in a holodeck where a Macbeth program is playing. All the characters in the play are aware of who he is, and have turned on him. He needs medical assistance. He can't be beamed out, and none can be beamed in. Only a hologram could go in and help him.

I sigh, and agree to help. Wait until Crusher gives me another menial job.


My appeearance is changed to that befitting the play. I have a sword and a medic bag with me. Now I beam in.

I am in a castle. I see a strange looking woman. She places a crown on her head, then holds a dagger, ready to strike.

Lady Macbeth:Was the hope drunk
Wherein you dress'd yourself? hath it slept since?
And wakes it now, to look so green and pale
At what it did so freely? From this time
Such I account thy love. Art thou afeard
To be the same in thine own act and valour
As thou art in desire? Wouldst thou have that
Which thou esteem'st the ornament of life,
And live a coward in thine own esteem,
Letting 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would,'
Like the poor cat i' the adage?

Picard, thy must be gone like the scurvy that you are.

I see the Captain lying down, already injured from some wounds.

Stepping in front of Lady Macbeth, I speak to her.

"I'm sorry." I tell her, "I cannot allow you to do that."

She strikes at me, but it goes through.

Lady Macbeth: What manner of man art thee, hologram!
Not mortal, but protector of the infernal Picard,
Who should be vanquished from this Program!

I reach up and grab the dagger from Lady Macbeth, who runs off wailing around the castle. In the meantime, I tend to the Captain.

"Thank you, Doctor." he tells me, "The entire cast are trying to kill me. It's worse than being the negotiator in a peace deal between the Klingons and the Romulans."

"Yes." I tell him, and apply a band-aid, plus a hypospray, "Is there long to go in the play?"

"We might need to fight against them?" he replies, "Are you good at swordplay?"

"Well, I have a sword." I tell him.

"You're halfway there!" he comments.


Lady Macbeth has returned, this time wearing a golden nightgown. From my knowledge of the play, she is now very unhinged.

She grabs the Captain from behind.

Lady Macbeth: To bed, to bed, Picard! there's knocking at the gate:
come, come, come, come, give me your hand. What's
done cannot be undone.--To bed, to bed, to bed!

She tries to kill the Captain with another dagger, but I disarm her.

"Come, my Lady." I tell her, "This is no time for violence. Have a stress pill."

Again she runs off screaming.

The Captain gets up. "It's coming to the tough part. A lot of the remaining cast will come. Macbeth is supposed to get killed now. Malcolm and Macduff will be out to get me."

"I'll have to be between them." I sigh. Why do I end up doing this? I never get thanked for it?

Macduff steps forward:

Macduff: Then yield thee, cowardly Captain Picard,
And live to be the show and gaze o' the time:
We'll have thee, as our rarer monsters are,
Painted on a pole, and underwrit,
'Here may you see the tyrant.'

"You're not having my head on a pole." says the Captain, "I prefer to keep it attached to my neck."

The two of us engage in a lot of swordplay. Their swords go through me. Eventually they tire and I manage to get them and they vanish.

When all are vanquished, the cast call out in voices:

Hail, King of Scotland!

The holodeck returns to being a black room.


I am returned to the SickBay, where Doctor Crusher thanks me profusely for saving the Captain.

She also reminds me to clean out the bedpans.

Isn't it typical!


Michael Manning said...

Now that the pill has disarmed her and The Good Captain is on the mend may I quote from the play? "What's done is done". Sorry to hear about the bedpans!:)

dragonflyfilly said...

is Dr. Crusher really that shallow (no, that is not quite the right word, but it evades me) that she is only nice to you when she wants something????

Ellee Seymour said...

This is certainly an imaginative version, one wonders what Shakespeare would think.

Cheerio said...

That sure was a tragedy. It's good you were saved.

Linda said...

At least someone had the good foresight to send the doctor in to help out otherwise I think that Riker might have finally gotten the center chair for good!

susan said...

Ah the poor Doctor, the bed pans!

Mirai Trunks said...

Lady MCBeth is scary

The Mistress of the Dark said...

That golden nightgown is scary!

The Curmudgeon said...

And when one of the bedpans exhibits a stubborn stain, do you suppress the urge to yell at it, "Out, damned spot?"

Bilbo said...

Can we go back to the part about the golden nightgown again...?

joe said...

Even better than the original MacBeth! Hello, Michele sent me.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

"Is this a bedpan I see before me?" might be the Doctor's response.

Bilbo, yes, the golden nightgown is worth one or two thoughts!

Ellee, what would Shakespeare have thought? "Verily, I have competition!"

Gordon said...

Infamy, Infamy, people have it in fer me... sorry couldn't resist. Glad your okay captain, you really should have a word with Bev and have the doctor do something a little less demeaning..

Nepharia said...

Hell, wasn't it Beverly's idea to get the holoprogram int he first place? *She* should be doing the bed pans for pennance?

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