Filming On The Enterprise (Part Three)

Steven Spolberg the film director, together with his crew have been irritating everybody on the Enterprise with his invasive questions and general poking around. He is here to record the activities and interview staff so that a record of life on a galaxy class starship can be kept for posterity.

Not that anyone would want to watch it of course. I think they would rather watch 'Honey I've Transported The Kids To Vulcan.'

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As a deal for Spolberg, I gathered the senior staff together so that we can be filmed and answer questions. Afterwards, he can get off the ship and we can resume normal life.

Spolberg enters with the crew, while we get in position.



"Okay boys, get the camera set up and we'll start rolling. Captain, do you think we can have all the women sitting up front, to give more glamour?"

"No." I tell him.

"Oh, well." he answers, "Just a thought."

"Now, Captain Picard." he starts, "You're a veteran Officer, have you ever thought you'd like to take an easier job? It was only your birthday earlier this month."

"No I don't." I reply tersely, "I intend to remain in the post for a very long time."

"You have a lot of fine Officers, Captain." Spolberg, "I'm sure Commander Riker would be capable of replacing you. From what I read, he's been in this position for a long while. Do you think he needs a chance?"

"Commander Riker is more than capable of captaining a starship." I say with a fake smile, "But it won't be this one."

I feel the tension of annoyance in the air coming from Riker.

"Have you thought of applying elsewhere, Commander Riker?" Spolberg inquires.

"Can we move on, Spolberg?" I say irritatingly.

"Okay, "Now Lieutenant Commander Data, you're a robot, aren't you?"



"That is incorrect." he answers, "I am an android created by Doctor Soong. I have a positronic brain and.."

"Is it true you can't do contractions?" asks Spolberg.

"That is true."

"Do you want to give it a try? While in front of the cameras."

"Spolberg!" I say irritatingly, "Ask something sensible or we stop filming."

"All right." he answers, "Now Deanna Troi, in a starship like this, people are in a very enclosed space. Surely that means crewmembers must start getting attracted to each other. Have either of you noticed this?"

Beverly looks at me in alarm, as Deanna does to Riker. Also Jadzia does with Worf, Jennifer with Data, Geordi with Trisha and so do a lot of other couples.

"This stops right here!" I announce, "Spolberg, this isn't the sort of filming I wanted. You can leave the ship now."

Spolberg is about to pack up when there is a flash of light.



"My, Jean-Luc." he declares, "Whatever do we have here?"

An astonished Spolberg explains to Q what he has been doing.

"Well, Mr Spolberg." Q says, "If Jean-Luc and his minions don't want to be interviewed, you can always talk to me."

A grateful Spolberg invites Q to sit down. The cameras start rolling and Q is ready.

"Now then, Q." he asks, "You are a being that has control over..."

Suddenly Spolberg notices there are lots of giggles from the film crew; he looks down and notices that all his clothes have vanished. He quickly uses his clipboard to cover himself.

He and his crew run out with sounds of "Destroy that film." coming from Spolberg.

Q turns around.

"Well, Jean-Luc." Q tells us, "I thought I'd have a little fun on someone else for a change."

With that, he vanishes into the white light.

Sometimes Q can do just the right thing!