Christmas Party Planning

With the senior staff all gathered in my Ready Room, we are all assembled for the most important meeting of the year. To discuss plans for the Enterprise Christmas Party.

"Would anyone like to put their suggestions to where it should be held this year?" I ask. This is a neat way of passing the buck to the others as I haven't an idea myself.

"Definitely not in a gay bar like we did last year!" Worf gruffly barks out.



"Why not!!" yell out Lieutenant Britney and her girlfriend T'Pol almost together.

"I was approached by a young man named Nigel." answers a reddening Worf, as his wife Jadzia laughs next to him, "He suggested that I go outside and see his phaser gun. Naturally, I declined, but he still occasionally sends me messages."

Somehow, I resist the urge to laugh out loud, and see Annika Hansen is about to stand. I wonder which consiousness is dominating her?



"It must take place in a Borg Cube or at the very least a holographic representation of it ." she answers in her firm Seven voice, "The Borg Queen will expect an invitation, so it is rightful you maker her seem at home, especially as we Borg have extended a truce..."

She stops, sits down and starts talking to herself. It's clear that her Annika consiousness is having a few things to say about her suggestions.

"Can't we just have it in a holographic night club?" Will Riker suggests, "After all, it is the Enterprise Christmas Party. Visitors will just have to accept it the way it is."

"I agree, Will." pipes up Deanna, plus a few other individuals.

"Very well." I decide, "We will have the party on Monday 5th November in a holographic nightclub."

"The Queen will not like this." mumbles Annika in her Seven voice.

"Yes she will, Seven." I retort, "I think the Borg Queen knows how to enjoy a party a lot more than you do. If you don't like it, loosen up and let Annika enjoy it. This will be her first Enterprise Christmas Party."

Seven goes out in a huff.

I'm sure I'm sowing the seeds for more Party disasters.

Queenie's Warning

"Borg Cube on sensors." Data tells me, "A message is incoming. The Borg Queen wants to talk to us."

I roll my eyes. Is she chasing me? I know Queenie has the hots for me, but this is ridiculous.

Her image comes on the screen.



"Locutus." she says firmly, "It is urgent that I speak with your senior staff as soon as possible. A matter has come up that is of grave consequence."

I tell her to beam on board right away.

"I wonder what she wants this time."  Riker asks me.

"I don't know, Number One." I reply, "But when she wants to speak to all of us, it's not good news. When she is just chasing me, at least I know where I am!"

About fifteen minutes later, the senior staff are assembled in my Ready Room. All eyes are on the Borg Queen, as we are curious about what she is going to say.

"A few days ago." she begins, "My Cube was on a routine assimilation mission outside Federation space. We locked on a small transportation vessel. Though there were only a few humans on it, we assimilated them to keep our monthly quota up for the report we give to the Alpha Borg Queen."



"I seem to have lost the thread." Deanna comments, "What is all this leading to?"

"Be patient, Deanna." Queenie answers, "It will all become clear. Now where was I? Oh yes. We were assimilating this small group. One person in particular wasn't keen on it. After his consiousness entered the Hive Mind, we knew why. He was Agent R from Section 31."

Suddenly I look up, alerted to the name of the secret group that operates within Starfleet. "Them? What did he know."

"Apparently, none of them know each other's name except that of Luther Sloan." Queenie answered, "They only get invited to meetings through whispers and notes with invisible ink slid under the door. They even do that for the Section 31 Christmas Dinner & Dance."



"Come on!" urges Lieutenant Britney, "I've forgotten the start of the story already!"

Queenie glares at Britnery and carries on.

"What we ascertained." she tellsa us, "Is recently there had been a meeting of Section 31 top staff. They were looking at suspect people here on the Enterprise who could be trouble to the Starfleet if not dealt with. Those discussed were Locutus, Guinan, Data, Lieutenant Britney, T'Pol and Seven of Nine. In principal, they were very disdainful of the Federation/Borg peace treaty that you and I had set up, Locutus."

Britney almost chokes on her chewing gum when her name is mentioned.

"What do they plan to do?" I ask.

"They want to restart a human/Borg war, Locutus." Queenie answers, "They think as we supposedly don't know they will wipe us out."

"But you DO know." I tell her, "And that will mean the annihilation of billions."

"Precisely." smiles the Queen, "That;'s why I'm here, "Section 31 need to be stopped."



"We have the upper hand." Riker says, "We know they are planning something."

"Yes, Number One, but we don't know what. Queenie, both our forces need to be on alert for any wrongdoing. By the way, should you catch them, you have my permission to assimilate them all."

"Thank you, Locutus." the Queen answers, "But I don't think we want their sort in the Hive Mind. They are far to despicable. We do have standards, after all. Instead, we'll just vaporise them."

"Fair enough" I laugh, as Queenie turns to walk out, back to her Cube.

"Can't have anything disrupting our alliance, can we Jean-Luc?" she whispers huskily out of earshot from the others.

Sigh. She never misses an opportunity.

Borg Cultural Exchange (Part One)

"Locutus." Seven of Nine says to me as she walks into my Ready Room, "I wish to speak with you."

Seven never knocks when entering a room. She just walks straight in, as if the people in the room are waiting to be addressed by her. It's a relief she has not barged in while Bev and I have had one of our kissing times. I think I'll have to get the door locked.

I'm getting distracted.

"What is it you want, Seven?" I enquire.



"While I have been regenerating in my alcove." she starts, "I have been talking to my leader, the Borg Queen. She has a request to ask of you."

The sounds ominous. The Borg Queen tends not to 'ask' anything, but do it, whether we like it or not.

"What is it?" I reply.

"As I have been on the Enterprise to learn about human methods of behaviour." she tells me, "The Queen has informed me that she thinks it only fair that a member of this starship should spend some time on a Borg Cube to see how we function."

I nearly drop my hot Earl Grey tea in my lap. I must learn not to drink whenever I am talking to someone, as I never know what they are going to say. This is the second uniform I've ruined in a month. The Enterprise Dry Cleaners are making a fortune out of me.

"That's out of the question!" I exclaim, "We can't allow one of our people to go on a Cube and get assimilated!"

"The Borg Queen has given her guarantee that this would not happen." Seven replies, "Whoever goes would just be there for a few days and be allowed to return to the Enterprise afterwards. You must decide who to send within 24 hours."

Seven strides out and I summon the rest of the senior staff.

------------

The staff are all assembled and I explain the situation to them.



"You can't be serious!" Riker exclaims, "Who would want to go?"

"It could be a good thing, Number One." I tell him, "It would give us a chance to learn more about the Borg way of life than they've let on before. We've had to let Seven study us, now we can see them as they normally are."

Everyone looks around at each other, waiting for someone to volunteer

"All right." says a voice from the back, "I'll do it."

We all look to see who it is....



To be continued...


-----------------

From the editor:



Mimi of The Queen's Meme has sent this in....

The Blog Outside The Box Meme
This meme is all about using your imagination. Free your inner blogginess. Step outside the proverbial blox (that's blog + box for all you non-blog speakers). Answer these ridiculous situational questions and post them on your own blog. Here's the situation for today. We won't tell a soul. And remember:
Don't end up in the dungeon.



1. You are in court. You are in deep doo-doo. What did you do? ('Cause if you want, I might could talk to the judge and get your sentence reduced to Bloggingham dungeon time.)

She wanted me to see the new warp conduit in Engineering...yes I know it was midnight.

2. Your blog just became a best-selling book . What is the title of your book ?

How to make masses of money.

3. It is midnight. The phone rings. It is Michael Jackson calling from the Great Beyond.
What would you like to ask him?

"Michael who?"

4. You are having your future told. The fortune teller looks in the crystal ball, screams and leaves the room in fright. What did they see?

Me doing a kareoke performance at the Enterprise Christmas Party.


5. You're blogging along minding your own blusiness (that's blog + oh...you know) when Google unexpectedly puts a Objectionable Content Warning on your blog. Your own mother is afraid to enter! What, pray tell, did you do to warrant it? How did this happen? Do you think you deserve it? Just how objectionable are you? Do tell.

The Enterprise destroyed the Google HQ as it was taken over by aliens.

6. You suddenly become God Of The Universe. What would your first Commandment be?

Let's get rid of the Q Continuum!

7. And finally, what secret would you like to tell the Queen?
Not to worry. What happens in Bloggingham, stays in Bloggingham.

"Well you know when I was supposed to be on duty with Bev on the Bridge during the night shift......?"

Dancing With The Federation (Part One)

"I want to be out there in the battlezone, sir." I tell Admiral Hollister, "Why does the Enterprise have to be involved in PR stunts all of the time?"

"I appreciate your frustration, Captain." Hollister replies, "But remember that your ship is a Galaxy class. The flagship of the fleet. It's only natural that the Federation shoud want to see representatives of the best ship there is."

I can see that Hollister is trying to flatter me again, hoping that will persuade me. The trouble is, that usually does.

"So what do we have to do, sir?" I say grudgingly, knowing that what an Admiral wants, they always get.

"I'll tell you fully when I brief your senior staff." he tells me, as the two of us walk towards the Ready Room.

-------------

With the senior staff assembled, they all listen to the Admiral.



"The Federation Television Network are keen for the public to see who the people are in she starships that defend our planets." he starts, "Therefore they are setting up a special Dancing With The Federation edition, in which four couples from the Enterprise will dance against each other in a competition. The winner to be judged by the public."

Bev's face light's up.

"I wanna do it!" she exclaims, "Come on, Jean-Luc, you know we'd win easily against these losers!"

"Err...Doctor Crusher is an accomplished dancer." I tell the Admiral, "I would be happy to partner her."

"Excellent." Hollister comments, "Now we need three couples."



"I'm a trained dancer." Ensign Jennifer Baxter declares, "Data has all dance steps in his programming. We would win easily."

"That's good." Hollister muses, "Two more to get."

"How about you, Mr Worf." I ask, "Would you and Jadzia like to take part?"

"Klingons do not take part in dancing competitions!" he snorts decisively.

"Number One?" I suggest, "How about you and Deanna?"

"Come on, Will." Troi urges, "You can do it!"

Riker agrees, albeit unwillingly.

"Well, we just need one more couple." Hollister tells me, "Who can we pick?"

"Hey! how about us?" shouts a familiar voice.



Ensign Britney. No..not her!

"T'Pol and I are great dancers. We really wow the people at the clubs with the routines we do..when we're sober that is."

"That's right." T'Pol confirms, "Brit and I will really wipe the floor with you lot."

Admiral Hollister looks a little embarassed. He doesn't know quite what to say.

"Err.." he stutters, "But you are both...errr...women."

"Got something against that, Admiral?" challenges Britney, "I thought the Federation was past that sort of discrimination."

Hollister has painted himself into the proverbrial corner.

"Of course we are." Hollister declares, "We'd be happy to have you two ladies as contestants."

"Yay!" shouts Britney, who does a high-five with T'Pol, "Sistah, let's dance to victory!"

To be continued...

The New Television (Part One)

Today is going to be a great day!

I've ordered a new hyper-standard television from the suppliers. It should be delivered to the Enterprise in a couple of hours. From what I've heard, it's a top of the range model that shows holographic pictures from all the planets.

Deanna rushes in.



"Has it come yet, Captain?" she asks.

"Has WHAT come yet, Deanna?" I reply.

"Why, the television of course." she answers, as if the couldn't be anything else. "I want to see it working."

Bev and Riker run in.

"Has it come yet?" they ask.

"No." I tell them.

"Well we don't want to miss the first programme in holographic vision." Bev tells me, "As The Universe Turns is my favourite show."

All the other senior staff who filter in say this.

"Honestly." I tell them, "I don't know what the fuss is over a daytime soap opera."



"Captain." explains Data, "What is important is that Brad is engaged to marry Stephanie, but is secretly in love with Angela. Meanwhile next door, Jeff is losing money in his hovercar business and plans to fake his death. He does not realise that his wife Joanne has killed his rival, which will..."

"Enough!" I tell them, "Let's just get the television. Remember it is mine!"

-----------

A few minutes later, to rousing cheers, the television arrives. Two engineers start to tax it out of the box, as the entire senior staff look on in eager anticipation.



The expectation turns rather glum as the top of the range holographic television is unveiled.

"This isn't quite what I was expecting." I tell them.

"What is it?" Jadzia asks.

To be continued...

Sleep Deficiency (Part One)

"I couldn't sleep last night, Bev." I tell her, "It's the second sucessive night."



"I noticed you were tossing and turning." she replies, "As it happens, neither could I."

"I guess we'll just have to go through the day at half speed and hope that nothing complicated happens." I comment, "The ship didn't seem to be passing through any space storms, so I don't know what it was."

--------------

Two hours later, the senior staff are all assembled in my Ready Room for the morning briefing. All of them look a little peaky for some reason. Even Data is yawning.

"Sorry if I look a little dozy." I tell them, "Neither I nor Doctor Crusher got any sleep in bed last night."

Bev reddens, and I hastily add that neither of us could get to sleep for some reason.

This provokes a whole barrage of comments, with everyone trying to talk at once, with the consensus being that they could not sleep as well.

"Deanna and I didn't either." Riker informs us.

"Nor did Jadzia and me." Worf tells me.

"Neither did me and my soulsistah T'Pol." Ensign Britney comments, while sleepily chewing gum.

"My alcove is failing to re-energise me sufficiently." Seven tells us, "Therefore I am not at optimum strength right now."

"Ensign Baxter and myself failed to as well." Data states.

This last comment raises a few eyebrows.

"You, Data?" I ask, "You're an android. How can a non-sleeping bug affect you?"



"I do not know." he answers, "I am fitted with an EverReady superpower rechargable battery that would go for 100 years even if I did not charrge it up at night. When I activated myself this morning, I was in a state of extreme sleepiness, but not enough to make me sleep."

"Just like the rest of us." I say to them all "Something has happened, or somebody has done something to prevent us all sleeping. In the state we are in, the Enterprise is very vulnerable. This this goes on, any alien could just walk on in a couple of days and take over the ship."

"What can we do to prevent this anti-sleeping bug." Riker asks, "We all need to hit the hay."

Data looks confused, but Jennifer Baxter tells him that she will explain it later.

"A lullaby always worked wonders when I was young." Jadzia tells us.

"I am a Klingon warrior!" Worf retorts, "Klingons do not have lullabies!"

"Well we'd better think of something soon." I tell them all, "Before something bad happens."

To be continued...

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part Five)

Editor' Note:

Luther Sloan, Director of the secret unit Section 31 is sending two of his newest and most beautiful agents to infiltrate the USS Enterprise. Agents J and K will pose as Ensigns Jayne Jackson and Kay Kassandra, and will report on whether the ship is run properly and if Captain Picard is up to the job, otherwise he will be replaced by a Section 31 operative. The two agents are now on the Enterprise, and are causing a stir. They got in a fight with Ensign Britney & T'Pol, who were then taken to the brig until they released information about the new Ensigns to Bev and Deanna.

------------



So here I am in my Ready Room, relaxing as much as I can. With no aliens to fight, everything seems so trouble free.

That can't last long, can it?

Suddenly there is a ruckus and I drop my earl grey tea into my lap. Why is it most of the tea I am about to consume ends there rather than me?

Four women barge into the room. Bev, Deanna, T'Pol & Ensign Britney. What a quartet!

"What's going on?" I struggle to say through my poured tea, "I thought these two were in the brig?"



"They were, but I got them out." Bev answers, "They know vital information about Kay Kassandra and Jayne Jackson...or whoever their names are."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that they are Section 31 operatives, Jean-Luc." Bev answers.

I go white, as if I've been working in the chalk mines.

"Are you sure?"

They all tell me the story, which makes me groan more with every telling. I decide to get all the senior staff in to discuss it.

--------

"I should think Seven would be keen on assimilating them." Riker comments in that humour that he has.

"She can have them, Number One." I reply.



"The collective would not want them." Seven states sharply, "There are some individuals the Borg would not want to add into the hive mind, and human spies such are these are two examples. It would give the Borg a bad name."

I try to keep my face straight at what Seven says and talk to the group.

"All right." I tell them, "In short, if we know they are Section 31 operatives, can we just remove them."



"They will just deny it ever happened and what T'Pol & Britney said." Deanna tells me.

"So we've got to catch them at it?" I ask.

"That's it." she answers, "Get someone to be friendly to them and act as a spy for us."

To be continued...

Planning For Jean-Luc's Birthday

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

For a change, I'm the one in charge of a senior staff meeting.

I've called it without Jean-Luc's knowledge as he is currently at a Captain's Conference at Rhiaana VI.

"Listen, everybody." I tell them, "I have a special reason for calling this meeting. I wanted to talk about Captain Picard's birthday on 14th January."



"Are you going to pass round an envelope and force them to contribute for a present?" asks Seven of Nine, "If you are, I would like to volunteer. I could then assimilate them if they refused to comply."

"There's no need for that, Seven." I reply, "I'm sure they will contribute willingly. Now we want to make it very special, as it is the Captain's 50th birthday."

"I didn't know he was THAT old." comments Ensign Britney, "He must be past it by now."

"He most certainly is not 'past it', Ensign." I say annoyingly to her, though there are several giggles in the room, "Any more talk like that and you'll be in the brig."

"You'll have to be careful with the candles on the cake." T'Pol says, "If they are all lit at once, there could be a major fire hazard that could go out of control."

Both T'Pol and Britney fall about laughing, and I indicate to Lieutenant Worf to remove them from the room.

"Well, What are we going to get the Captain?" Geordi asks, "He does seem to have everything."

"How about a surprise birthday party?" Jadzia suggests.

"That might be good." Riker comments, "We could put towards a trip for two to the planet Romantica, a holiday resort for couples only."

"Who would the Captain wish to take?" Data says out loud.

All eyes are then looking at me.

"Err... well.." I stutter, "The Captain may wish me to come...just to check if he is alright, of course."

Everybody has a look that says to me "What a fib!"

"That's it, then." Riker says, "Let's collect for the Captain's trip."

"....and mine." I think to myself.

Back From Vacation

We all assemble in the Ready Room after our Christmas vacation. Each one looks worn out, even Data, as if he needs a recharge in his power cell. Seven of Nine looks like she hasn't been in her alcove to be regenerated in months.

I must admit, I feel dreadful as well.

"Well then, everybody." I say, "We're all back from our Christmas break. How did you all get on?"

This provokes a mass groan and heads collapse on the tables. Worf almost slides under the table.
"How did Alexander like WallyWorld, Mr Worf?"



"Oh, he was sick on all the rides." Jadzia interrupts, "His poor stomach couldn't take it."

"I'm sorry for Alexander." I reply.

"Oh, it wasn't him." Jadzia corrects me, "It was Worf. He just has no stomach to take funpark rides."

That explains Worf's greenish tint.

"How was Lwaxana Troi, Number One?" I ask.

This, predictably gives a glum look from Riker, but Deanna answers for him,



"Oh, we all had a super time." Deanna tells us, "My mother hosted everything very well, and Will did what he was told and didn't misbehave."

This comment appears as if they are talking about a five year old, and explains Eiker's glum reaction.

"How about you, Mr Data?" I ask. "What about you and Jennifer Baxter?"

The two both have a satisfied smile, and Data responds with "Is it all right if I keep that classified?"

Well two people had a Happy Christmas!

I start to ask Ro, but a get a "No comment." I ask Geordi the same abot his time off with Trisha Lewis and get the same reply.

This is like being a reporter on the Galactic Gazette!

"What about you two?" I ask Ensign Britney and T'Pol, "You must have had a fun time that you want to tell us?"

The problematic pair look at each other with a secret smile and then laugh.



"Shall I tell him or you, Brit?" T'Pol asks.

"Go on, sistah." Britney urges her.

"Well, we went to the supernightclub Eternal, as we said before." T'Pol starts, "The music was way too quiet for us, though, it was only 110 decibels. We sneaked behind the amplifiers and doubled the volume. The two of us had a great time dancing together. Not many others were around."

"I'm not surprised." Deanna comments.

"Did you deliver your Report to the Borg Queen, Seven?" I ask her.

"Yes, Locutus." she answers, "However that bottle of Klingon Bloodwine you gave us was diverting. The Queen and I drank it between us and in ten minutes were were singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas."

We all laugh except Seven.

"What about you and Doctor Crusher?" Riker asks, "Did you enjoy the Bideaway Hotel?"

Bev and I both grin to ourselves and say jointly "No comment."

Christmas Destinations (Part Two)

Now that I've had my cup of Earl Grey, I can resume my talk with the Senior Staff about what they will be doing over the Christmas vacation. We all reassemble in my Ready Room.

"What about you. Ro?" I ask, "Will you be visiting anyone on Bajor during the holidays?"

At this question, the young Bajoran becomes very shy, as if she is reluctant to say anything.



"Err...well..." she stutters, "I'm not sure. I might do, I'm not sure."

It's all very secretive. Prising anything out of Ro Laren is a very tough thing to do.

"Ro's got a boyfriend!" sings Ensign Britney over and over again. Ro goes red-faced, like a young schoolgirl. Has Britney hit upon the answer?

"Well, what about you, Ensign Britney?" Riker asks, "You've been teasing Ro. What about you?"



"Hey, I've got nothing to hide." answers the trouble-prone Ensign, "My soulsistah T'Pol and I will be heading to the new supernightclub Eternal on the planet Salavan. The are having a multi-night-all-you-can-eat and and dance spectacular. Days of non-stop jiving."

I raise my eyebrow, but not really surprised. It's just the sort of thing they would do.

"How about you, Geordi?" Deanna asks, "What will you be doing for Christmas?"

"Not much." he answers, "My girl Trisha and I are going skiing on the ice planet Chiili. I've always wanted to try it for real. It's not the same in the holodeck."

"Just remember that there are no safety protocols in place." I warn, "We want you back in one piece, not pieces."

We turn to Seven of Nine.

"What about you, Seven?" Bev asks, "How will you be enjoying Christmas?"



"Enjoyment is irrelevant!" says Seven, "We are the Borg, resistan..."

"Put a sock in it, Seven." Riker says, "You know the Borg Queen enjoyed her visit at the Party, and even her superior, the leader of the Borg race did, so loosen a few implants and have a good time."

"I will consider this." she says "When I visit the Borg Queen on Cube 01. I shall give her my report as to the current events."

"Then take her this Klingon bloodwine." I say, "I know it will go down well on the Cube."

She takes it.

"Well that was fun, finding out what you are doing."

"Hold on, Captain." Riker says, "You haven't mentioned what you and Doctor Crusher will be doing."

Bev and I start to go red, like Ro did earlier.

"Well, of course." starts Bev, "We will be visiting Wesley and Karena on Wondwowman, as they are staying with Queen Diana."

"That confirmation for the Bideaway Hotel must have been a mistake that I saw come in on the computer." Data states, "I shall cancel that."

"Don't do that!" Bev and I both say, "We'll sort it out."

I'll have Data's rewired for that!

Another voice pops up from behind.

"Hey! What about me?"



Q!

"You never ask what I'm doing, Mon Kapitano!" he exclaims, "Consider my feelings hurt."

I sigh.

"Very well, Q" I ask, "What ARE you doing this Christmas?"

"Oh, it's so BORING in the Continuum." he moans, "As there is no concept of time or space, everyday is the same. Here, pull this Christmas cracker."

He gives me a cracker to pull. He wins, and as the explosion goes off, all the clothes of the Senior Staff vanish.

"Now I've had a good Christmas, Jean-Luc." Q says as she vanishes, "Have a super time!"

----------------

And to all Journal readers......Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Christmas Destinations (Part One)

"Hello everybody." I say, "I know you are all starting to pack for your various locations over the Christmas vacation, but I thought we'd all have a chat."

A slight groan comes from those senior staff in the Ready Room. They know I am always curious to know where there are going.

"Well." I say, "It's fun knowing what we will all be doing. After all, we will go in different directions, visiting families and friends."

"What would happen if some aliens invaded while we were away, Captain." Geordi asks, "It seems like the whole Federation is on holiday."

"Oh,there will be a skeleton staff looking after the whole of Starfleet." I reply, "The Skeletas from the planet Skeleta have volunteered."



"Hence there Skeleton staff." Riker comments drily.

"Err...yes." I say, "Now let's start with you, Deanna. Where will you be going?"

"Not very far, Captain." she answers, "Will and I were all set to go the romantic waterfall on the planet of Elixa, but my mother called me, and said that she wanted to visit, so we are staying at my Earth home in San Francisco while I cook lunch for Will and her."

I can sense Riker's irritation. The waterfalls of Elixa are a lot better than spending Christmas with Lwaxana Troi!

"What about you, Jadzia?" I inquire, "Will you be doing anything interesting this Christmas?"



"Worfie....I mean Lieutenant Worf and I will be taking his son Alexander to WallyWorld, the planet for children, where he can meet Malcolm Muskrat and all the characters that the famous Uncle Wally created." she answers.

"Alexander to too old to go there!" snorts Worf, "He should be going to Klingon warrior training on the homeworld over Christmas."

"Don't be such a sourpuss, Worfie." Jadzia, "I know you always told me that you were a huge fan of Malcolm Muskrat."

Worf goes red...as much as Klingons do.

"You said you would never mention that!" he whispers."

"Never mind, Mr Worf." I tell him, "That's a secret that will stay in this room. Now how about you, Mr Data. What will you be doing?"



"I had planned to go to the cybernetic lectures," answers Data, "But my girlfriend Jennifer Baxter has threatened to use my 'off' switch if I consider it."

"Too right!" Jennifer says, interrupting him, "I want to spend a romantic Christmas with Data, not go listening to sleepy scientists talk about robotic theories. The two of us will be spending time in a icy log cabin on the planet Thermos, where there are warm heating inside."

"It sounds super." I say, "Shall we continue this discussion in a while, after we've packed a bit more?"

To be continued....

The Enterprise Senior Staff Christmas Meal (Part Two)

"What is this?" Seven of Nine asks as she picks up a wrapped brightly-coloured roll object from the table.

At the moment, all the senior staff are assembled in my Ready Room round a huge table, as we are having a special Christmas meal for the staff. Things have been threatening to get out of hand with the shrieks of Ensign Britney and her friend T'Pol.

"That, Seven, is a Christmas cracker." I answer, "Hundreds of years ago, it was a tradition in England to have these at a meal such as this. The cracker consists of a paper hat, a joke and a plastic toy. Two people pull the cracker. As it comes apart, it makes a large noise, and the one with the large part wins the contents."

"Very fascinating." she comments, "I will relay this peculiarity to the Borg Qeen in my next Report."

Seven then turns to Barclay.

"Will you pull this cracker with me?" she says to him, "If I do not get the major part, you will be assimilated."

Barclay nervously pulls the cracker. Seven gets the contents. She puts a pink paper hat on her head, looks at the plastic starship, then starts to read out the joke.

"Why did the Starfleet chicken cross the road. Answer: to go where no chicken has gone before."




Seven looks at me.

"I do not understand this, Locutus."

I smile, then hear more shrieks.



"C'mon, Brit!" shouts T'Pol, "Let's pull our cracker!"

The pair proceed to do so, and Britney wins the cracker contents, and reads out her joke. It is so filthy, even Worf and Data blush. T'Pol is the only one to laugh out loud.

I grab the joke and find it is an innocent one.

"I made the joke up, Captain." Britney says, "It seemed a lot funnier than the one in the cracker."

"You two are confined to quarters!" I say angrily.

"Aw, Captain." says T'Pol, "We haven't had our Christmas meal yet."

"It'll get sent to your room!" I say, "Now off you go!"

The problematic pair walk out, mumbling to each other.

"Lucutus." says Seven, "I do not understand that joke either." she says.

"You'd better not tell that joke to one of the admirals, Jean-Luc." says Bev.

"You're right." I reply, "But knowing them, they would probably love it. Ah...the first course is coming....I'm having a battered Vlarian mushroom."

The Enterprise Senior Staff Christmas Meal (Part One)

"I thought we had just had our party, sir?" Riker says to me in my Ready Room, "Why are we having this Christmas meal.....before the day?"

"It's very easy, Number One." I reply, "It's a chance for all the senior ataff to get together in a pleasant way, have a chat and enjoy a Christmas dinner. After all, we can't do this on the day itself, as we all go off to see families and friends then."



"Should we have Ensign Britney, T'Pol or Seven of Nine, then?" Riker queries, "After all, they are hardly err..."

"Senior staff?" I say, "Be charitable, Commander Riker. Britney & T'Pol might be a noisy couple, but thisd might encourage them to behave in a more civilised manner. As for Seven, I think this quiet, sit-down meal might be a good lesson for her to report back to her Borg superiors."

"I hope you're right, sir." he says.

So do I.

--------------

A few hours later, the table is beautifully decorated with Christmassy items, and the senior staff file in, looking around curiously. Britney, wearing leather boots, trousers, plus a top hat and blonde wig, but sporting a bare midriff, runs to one of the seats and calls out to T'Pol at the top of her voice.



"Yay! I bags this chair!" she yells, "T'Pol, you sit there and we can do some serious chatting."

She eagerly does, and the other senior staff sit down calmly...until T'Pol and Britney start throwing bread rolls around.

"You will refrrain from throwing those rolls around or you will be assimilated!" says Seven to them sharply.

"Party pooper!" Britney mumbles, "Now sistah, what was the lastest gossip?"

Everybody seems seated with their parners. I'm with Bev, Riker is with Deanna, Worf is with Jadzia, Britney has T'Pol, Data has Jennfer Baxter, Geordi LaForge is with Trisha Lewis. The only one left out is Ro Laren, who is looking miserable with Lieutenant Barclay.



She is always secretive about her boyfriend. I believe she has one, but does not let anyone know about him. I wonder way?

My train of thought is derailed with the shrieks of Britney and T'Pol, as the latter has spilled a glass of Ktaran wine on the tablecloth.

I groan and roll my eyes, and try not to look at Riker, who is wearing his smug 'I told you so' expressions.

Ah well. It might get better.

Then again, it might not.

To be continued...

The Race Afraid Of Women (Part One)

"Who is this delegate we are going to meet, Captain?" Riker asks me as we sit down to a meeting, "I have heard very little about him."

"Let's wait until they all come in before I explain, Number One." I reply, "There are a few delicate things I have to go through."

Riker looks puzzled, but complies as the senior staff assemble.

"Now then, everybody." I start, "We are about to welcome Ambassador Zoran from the planet Malakos. Well that is to say some of us will."



"What do you mean by that, Captain?" Deanna asks, "My empathic abilities detect a hint of nervousness from you."

I wish she could turn that off!

"It means, Counselor," I say, "That all women will have to be confined to quarters while the men talk to Ambassador Zoran."

All the women in the room look disgusted, and start talking at once. Seven talks about assimilating the Ambassador.

"Let me explain." I continue, "There are no women on the Planet Malakos. Only men are born there, and as a result, over the centuries, they have been afraid of encountering any women. It's a different culture."

Data looks puzzled, but Riker manages to ask the question that is on everybody's mind.

"If there are no women on Malakos." he says, "How do they errr.... increase in population and not die out?"

"They are very scientifically minded, Number One." I reply, "All their children are grown in test tubes, and the DNA is conditioned so that only men come out."



"That must be the most miserable planet in the galaxy." Jadzia comments wryly, "After all, no dates, no fun at night."

"I agree." Geordi answers, "Remind me not to go there. I wonder what he'd think of Wondawowman, the planet of the Amazons?"

I smile to myself at that remark. "Still." I say, the Ambassador will be there in a couple of hours. Mr Worf, ensure the women cannot be seen when the Ambassador arrives."

We all leave the Ready Room, but I see the women go back in for a meeting of their own.

I wonder if they are planning something mischievous?

To be continued...

Preparing For The Enterprise Christmas Party

I assemble the senior staff for a meeting. I'm not sure if they are going to like what I tell them.

"Hello everybody." I start, "At this time, we need to make some arrangements for an event coming up soon."

"It's not the Enterprise Christmas Party is it, Captain?" asks Riker.

"I'm afraid it is, Number One." I answer.

A collective groan comes round from everybody, even Data, and he has his emotion chip turned off.

"I thought you liked the party?" I ask them.

"We do." answers Deanna, "But the preparation seems to take forever, and it is only September."

A murmur of agreement trickles around the room.

"Well, it's best if we can sort these things out early." I tell them, "We have to decide how we are going to hold the party. Last year we had it in The Sands holographic nightclub. Now this year, I suggest..."

Seven stands up and interrupts me.



"I know how your party shall take place, Locutus."

Everyone turns round, astonished. Geordi almost wakes up and Worf looks disgusted.

"Indeed?" I ask, "Perhaps you'd care to elaborate on that?"

Seven gets a small disk out and places it in the videoviewer.

"What you are seeing is a recording made by my Cube Leader, Borg Queen 01." she starts, "It was recorded specially for the time the Party was to be discussed so that she could tell you what to do."

A few unprintable comments are made by various members of staff at this time. Ensign Britney releases a few colourful expletives that are hardly Starfleet protocol.

I must say, I agree with her, though!

The screen comes on with a familiar face.



"Greetings Locutus and other Enterprise staff." starts the Borg Queen, "I hope you are well. As my representative Seven of Nine will have informed you, I have instructions for you as to how the Enterprise Christmas Party will be carried out."

"I can't believe her nerve!" comments Deanna.

"You will listen!" Seven snaps back, "Anyone who fails to listen will be assimilated. Now be quiet!"

We carry on listening.

"Earlier this year." the Borg Queen continues, "I had a meeting with the Alpha Borg Queen, who is the Supreme Leader of the Borg race. She was aware of the Party that you had every year, and asked if she could come this year. Naturally, I said you would be very honoured to have a guest...WOULD'NT YOU, LOCUTUS?"

My head falls on the table in shock. Beverly treats me for the bruise I get as we continue to listen.

"So I can see you're excited about that, Locutus." the Queen speaks, "This is what will happen. One of your holodecks will be made to look like a Borg Cube. Our resident group The Strolling Drones will play, Borg will serve meals and drinks while you welcome our Great Leader as a special guest of honour at the party. I will escort her there, and you will greet her. I look forward to seeing you at the party in December."

The picture goes off, and Seven speaks to us.

"There you are, Locutus." she says, "Our Supreme Leader will be visiting a human starship for the first time. It is a great privilege for you. Start preparing for the event."

Seven leaves the room, quite pleased that her message has been delivered.

I, in the meantime, continue to bang my head on the desk.

"There, there, Jean-Luc." Bev says to me quietly, "Perhaps it will all go quite well?"

"I'm sure it will, Beverly" I answer somewhat sarcastically, "The Alpha Borg Queen is likely to assimilate everyone if she doesn't like the vol-au-vants or I put a step wrong if I have to dance with her."

No one can say anything as they agree with me.

What a memorable Christmas Party THIS is going to be!


-------------------

Editor's Note:

For those who didn't see the answer in my comments in the previous post, the world's longest running police drama is the Scottish series 'Taggart'. It's been going 25 years, and is still called that even though the actor who played the title character died years ago.

Filming On The Enterprise (Part Three)

Steven Spolberg the film director, together with his crew have been irritating everybody on the Enterprise with his invasive questions and general poking around. He is here to record the activities and interview staff so that a record of life on a galaxy class starship can be kept for posterity.

Not that anyone would want to watch it of course. I think they would rather watch 'Honey I've Transported The Kids To Vulcan.'

------------

As a deal for Spolberg, I gathered the senior staff together so that we can be filmed and answer questions. Afterwards, he can get off the ship and we can resume normal life.

Spolberg enters with the crew, while we get in position.



"Okay boys, get the camera set up and we'll start rolling. Captain, do you think we can have all the women sitting up front, to give more glamour?"

"No." I tell him.

"Oh, well." he answers, "Just a thought."

"Now, Captain Picard." he starts, "You're a veteran Officer, have you ever thought you'd like to take an easier job? It was only your birthday earlier this month."

"No I don't." I reply tersely, "I intend to remain in the post for a very long time."

"You have a lot of fine Officers, Captain." Spolberg, "I'm sure Commander Riker would be capable of replacing you. From what I read, he's been in this position for a long while. Do you think he needs a chance?"

"Commander Riker is more than capable of captaining a starship." I say with a fake smile, "But it won't be this one."

I feel the tension of annoyance in the air coming from Riker.

"Have you thought of applying elsewhere, Commander Riker?" Spolberg inquires.

"Can we move on, Spolberg?" I say irritatingly.

"Okay, "Now Lieutenant Commander Data, you're a robot, aren't you?"



"That is incorrect." he answers, "I am an android created by Doctor Soong. I have a positronic brain and.."

"Is it true you can't do contractions?" asks Spolberg.

"That is true."

"Do you want to give it a try? While in front of the cameras."

"Spolberg!" I say irritatingly, "Ask something sensible or we stop filming."

"All right." he answers, "Now Deanna Troi, in a starship like this, people are in a very enclosed space. Surely that means crewmembers must start getting attracted to each other. Have either of you noticed this?"

Beverly looks at me in alarm, as Deanna does to Riker. Also Jadzia does with Worf, Jennifer with Data, Geordi with Trisha and so do a lot of other couples.

"This stops right here!" I announce, "Spolberg, this isn't the sort of filming I wanted. You can leave the ship now."

Spolberg is about to pack up when there is a flash of light.



"My, Jean-Luc." he declares, "Whatever do we have here?"

An astonished Spolberg explains to Q what he has been doing.

"Well, Mr Spolberg." Q says, "If Jean-Luc and his minions don't want to be interviewed, you can always talk to me."

A grateful Spolberg invites Q to sit down. The cameras start rolling and Q is ready.

"Now then, Q." he asks, "You are a being that has control over..."

Suddenly Spolberg notices there are lots of giggles from the film crew; he looks down and notices that all his clothes have vanished. He quickly uses his clipboard to cover himself.

He and his crew run out with sounds of "Destroy that film." coming from Spolberg.

Q turns around.

"Well, Jean-Luc." Q tells us, "I thought I'd have a little fun on someone else for a change."

With that, he vanishes into the white light.

Sometimes Q can do just the right thing!

A Present For The Captain

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I've called a meeting of the senior staff while Jean-Luc is in the holodeck.

"What is this all about, Beverly?" Ro Laren asks. The others talk among themselves in speculation as to the possible answer.

"Surely you must know." I tell them, "Next Monday on the 14th of January is Captain Picard's birthday. We have to decide what to get him."

A sound of realisation plus a few groans run around the table.

"Well, I have no idea." Riker says, "He seems to have everything."

A few more nods of agreement are seen.

"Has anyone any ideas?" I ask.

"You are closer to him than anyone else, Beverly." Deanna comments in a delicate manner. I hear a few giggles. "Perhaps it is you who have the answer?"

"I suppose you're right, Deanna." I answer, "But the opinions of others will always help."

"In the Terran Empire." T'Pol suddenly says, "Our birthday present to the Captain was that we let him live another year."

"Yes, T'Pol." I reply, "I think that situation won't apply here."



"In the Borg Cubes." Seven of Nine tells us, "If we forget the birthday of the Borg Queen, we are deactivated. She certainly gets a lot of cards that way."

"I'm sure she does!" Geordi says drily.

"We're going off course here." I remind them, "We need suggestions about what we can get the Captain."

"The Captain has always been a man of culture." Data observes, "We might need to get something very cultural."

The staff nod their heads in agreement.

"Data is right." Jadzia tells us, "What cultural item would the Captain enjoy?"

"He likes acting and plays." adds Riker.

"That's true." I answer, "We're doing well. We might be getting a solution. Is there anything in the Galactic Gazette 'For Sale' column?"

We call it up on the screen and see an interesting entry:

Do you have a holodeck? Are you a potential actor? Live out your fantasies in The Shakesperian Holoprogram. All the plays are here. You can live any role in them. The program is more real than typical programs. It's like no program you've had before!!

"That sounds perfect!" Jadzia says. All the others agree.

"Very well." I tell them, "We'll all put in for that and present him with the program when he has his party on the 14th."

We all break up to leave. Deanna holds me back to whisper something.

"What is it?" I ask.

"This program" Deanna tells me, "I have bad feelings about it."

"Don't be silly Deanna." I tell her, "What could go wrong?"

Sometimes a brash statement like that isn't a good idea.

Final Party Preparations

I've gathered the staff to discuss the final preparations for the Enterprise Christmas Party, which will be starting in a few days.

"Right then, everybody" I start, "We haven't got long to go, what's the latest on the things we have?"



"I went down to Guinan this morning." Deanna tells me, "She appeared very frustrated. Her helpers were getting the vol-au-vonts all ready, and Guinan was saying to herself about bothering to take on these tasks."

"Everything will be all right, won't it, Deanna?" Riker asks.

"Oh, sure." replies Deanna, "But I'd advise everybody to say how good her vol-au-vants taste, otherwise they could be in for an earful."

"All right," I say, "Now what about the music with Vic Fontaine?"

"I went to visit him during his rehearsal the other day." Riker tells us, "I asked him if he needed an extra trombone player in his band. He saw me holding my trombone, but looked a little worried. However, he told me that it was going great, and if one falls ill, he'll let me know."

As his band were all holograms, I don't see that happening. It appears that Vic has been programmed with tact as well.

"How are we with the Guest List?" I ask.



"I am a little concerned, Captain." Worf states, "Though we have the brigs all ready, I fear that some of the Guest who have sent RSVP messages could be a little err...difficult."

"What do you mean, Mr Worf?"

"To know that a Terminatrix will be coming to the party is a worry. Captain."

Seven becomes annoyed at this.

"Sky is my friend and I will vouch for her!" she replies angrily.

"To have a Borg drone recommend a Terminatrix is scant indeed." Worf says, "I do see on the List that there may be a vigilante crime fighter who may help."

Seven marches towards him; this could get difficult.

"Look." I try to say to them, "All guests try to leave their aggressive personalities at the door when they come to our Parties. It's Christmas. Any that fail to adhere to that will be dealt with."

Seven and Worf each grumble to themselves and go to sit down again. Why are parties as complex as a diplomatic summit?

"Well, me and my sistah T'Pol are gonna make this a party to remember!" Ensign Britney announces, and she and T'Pol do a high-five.

Sigh. Just a few more days and it all starts. Has anyone seen my stress pills?

---------------

Author's Note:

There is still a chance to put your Party entries in!

The Enterprise Christmas Party starts on Monday 3rd December; the entries will change on a daily basis throughout the week. Be there!

Christmas Party Update

"Now that Halloween is over." I say to the assembled senior staff, "It's about time we had an update on how the plans are going for this years's Christmas Party."

"Are parties all you think of, Locutus?" asks Seven, "We have just stopped having a strange party that is supposed to commemorate being scared, and already we have another one planned. What would you do if the Borg or another race invaded your vessel during one of your parties?"

"They'd have to book an appointment." Riker drily comments, "When it's the party season, we can't be invaded."



"I might have agreed with Seven." T'Pol states, "But my soul sistah Ensign Britney tells me this is the time to let our hair down."

The influence that Britney has over T'Pol. She terrifies me.

"How are things getting on, Jean-Luc." Bev asks me.

"Things appear to be on schedule." I reply, "The invitations will be sent out around mid-November for the Party that starts Monday 3rd December."

"I am concerned about one thing." Worf says, "Most of the guests appear to be from the early 21st Century, who will arrive via a time portal or other similar means."

"Yes, what's the problem, Mr Worf?" I reply.

"The Temporal Directive, Captain." he tells me, "These people could easily inform others of what they see in the 24th Century and alter the course of time."

"They are quite sensible people, Mr Worf." I reassure him, "Many have been here last year, and also the year before. They know that they have to keep quiet and not tell anyone."

"If they do not, I shall go back and assimilate them." Seven tells us seriously.

"Well, I don't think we want things to get like that, Seven." I tell her, "We are losing track. Now let's see about the party planning."

"Guinan tells me that she and Vic Fontaine have the Party in good hands." Riker informs me, "Fontaine and his band are rehearsing a Christmas set to play in the holographic Sands nightclub, and Guinan is setting out the menu for everyone to eat. She even has her own home-made vol-au-vents on standby."

"That's good to hear." I tell them, "This year's party looks like being a great one. What about outfits? How are we doing there?"

Everyone tells me they have ordered something from Starfleet Fittings. Beverly whispers to me.


"I have ordered a lovely outfit that you will like, Jean-Luc."she says softly.

This stops my train of thought for a moment, until I decide what to do.

"Well, I think that's all for now. On that note, we'll close the meeting.

---------------

Author's Note:

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