The Stalker (Part Five)

Things are looking pretty bleak right now.

I've been kidnapped by the redheaded stalker Valerie, who is so obsessed with me, she is taking us to the Elvis Galactic Chapel on Vegas VII to be married. Naturally, I have no say in the matter. I just hope those in the Enterprise can find some way of tracking me down.

-------------

As we land on Vegas VII, Valerie turns to me.

"Get your groom's outfit on, Jean-Luc." she tells me, "The minister is waiting for us. I'll put my wedding dress on on now. Aren't you excited! Soon we'll be husband and wife!"

She goes happily into the other roon. Reluctantly I put my outfit on while still behind the forcefield. I know that Valerie is so warped she could easily disintegrate me with one of her weapons.

Talk about a shotgun wedding!

Valerie comes out again.



"Isn't this simply ravishing!" gushes Valerie, "I love this dress, and you look so masculine in your outfit. We'll make a perfect couple."

While I do concede she has chosen a good dress, I still don't marry this crazy lady.

The two of us leave her ship, Valerie carrying a bridal bouquet, plus a small disintegrator in case I do anything out of line.

We see the Elvis Galactic Chapel in the distance.

"Let's go and meet the minister." Valerie tells me as she pushes me along. We go through the doors, wehich are festooned with images of an Elvis lookalike marrying off couples.

"Hello, minister!" Valerie cheerily says.



"You look a mighty fine cute couple."  the minister tells us, "You can call me Elvis."

"Sure, Elvis." Valerie giggles.

"Let's get the ceremony underway." says Elvis, "The winesses and the band are right this way."

A few moments later, Valerie and I are standing in front of the altar.

"Ladies and gentleman." announces Elvis, "We are here to witness the wedding of Valerie To Jean-Luc Picard."

He then lapses into song, and sings I Can't Help Fallng In Love With You.

Wise men say

Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you


Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you


Shall I stay
Would it be a sin?
That I can't help falling in love with you


As a river flows gently to the sea
Darling So it goes
Some things were meant to be

Take My hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't Help falling in love with you

As a river flows gently to the sea
Darlin So it goes
Some things are meant to be

Take Myyyyy hand
Take my whole life too
For I can't Help falling in love with you


For I can't help falling in love With you
For I can't help Falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love With you
For I can't help Falling in love with you.

"Quit the singing and get on with the marriage ceremony, Elvis!" shouts Valerie.
 
"But I've got a dozen songs to do." Elvis protests.
 
"Well can them!" she orders, then looks to me, "I can't wait for our wedding night, darling. It'll be in a few short hours."
 
Personally, I'd rather Elvis had gone through a few more songs!
 
To be continued...

The Stalker (Part Three)

I've been kidnapped by a mad woman named Valerie, who is obsessed about me.

We decided to meet in a cafe so I could perhaps reason with her, but despite Worf's security forces, Jennifer's multiphase disruptor and Britney's umbrella, she quickly held my hand, typed a series if numbers into her bracelet, which made the two of us beam out and reappear somewhere else.

--------

While I am still somewhat dazed, evidentally from the effects of the drink, Valerie quickly puts me in the rear of her little cargo ship and switches the force field on.

Like any idiot who has to see if a 'wet paint' sign is still relevant, I test the force field and for my trouble, I get a massive electrical shock, which shoots me back.

"Don't touch the force field, my love." calls out Valerie, who tells me she is just setting the ship on auto pilot, and will be with me shortly.

I suddenly notice nearby a suit.



"What's this suit for, Valerie?"

She walks in and looks at it. "I would have thought that was obvious, my darling." she says, "I made a lot of enquiries as to your size, and know that it fits you."

"But's it's a groom's outfit!" I protest.



"Of course it is, sweetheart." Valerie tells me, "I have my wedding dress hidden away on the ship. Naturally, I can't let you see it until the ceremony, which will be very soon. You know how unlucky it is for a groom to see a bride's dress before."

Right now it seems like I'm not having a lot of luck.

"But, Valerie." I protest, "We can't get married. I don't love you."

"Well then you'll have to LEARN to love me!" she says angrily, "If you try and get away, I'll kill you."

So much for the loving bride!

"It won't be long." she continues, "The banns were announced at the Elvis Galactic Chapel, which is where we are heading right now."

Valerie skips off, trilling Here comes the bride, while I look like I've got my last hours of freedom.

To be continued......

Picard's Psychiatric Evaluation (Part Two)

At the moment, I'm having a psychiatric evaluation by Dr Sarah Hollis. It seems like all Starship Captains are having to have these to show their competance and if they are fit for such a demanding role.

Right now, she is driving me crazy!

Her questions seem to be offensive and irritating. Nonetheless, as it is mandatory, I have to go through with it.

---------

"Shall we go back in the office, Jean-Luc?" Dr Hollis suggests, "Then we can continue with this evaluation."

"Very well, I say grudgingly.



"Now then, Jean-Luc." she begins, "In the last session, you seemed to want to stress that you have a perfectly normal life."

"That's true..." I start, "I think that..."

"And that you have a relationship with with Beverly Crusher?" she interrupts.

"Well, yes," I reply.

"You are aware that Starfleet frowns on relationships between crewmembers?" she tells me.

"Yes," I tell her, "But we are discreet, and do not affect our working life. I trust this is bound by doctor/patient confidentiality?"

"As you wish." Dr Hollis answers, "Tell me, Jean-Luc, do you find ME attractive?"

The doctor moves slightly so that I can see the mini skirt she is wearing while sitting down. She also removes her glasses.

"Well, D-doctor Hollis.." I stutter, starting to sweat, "Do you think this is appropriate for my evaluation?"

"Call me Sarah, Jean-Luc." she says softly.

"Err doctor...err Sarah." I mumble, "You are indeed very attractive, but I am with Beverly."

She sighs and mutters, "If you had been Kirk in the 23rd century, the outcome would have been different."

"Can we go on with the evaluation, Doctor." I plead.

"Very well she sighs, and holds up a card.



"Now we'll have the inkblot test." Sarah says to me, "Just look at the card and tell me the first thing that comes into your mind."

I look closely..

"It could be a minor starship with two shuttlecraft, or a man with large eyebrows jumping with his arms outstretched."

"Really?" Sarah responds in surprise, "No one has ever said that one to me before!"

She writes it all down and puts her pad aside.

"Well, Jean-Luc." she concludes, "I'm pleased to say that you have passed your psychiatric evaluation."

"That's good to know. Thank you, Sarah."

"Thank YOU, Jean-Luc." she purrs softly, "Remember, if you ever want another session, just call me."

She hands her card, and leaves the office.

She scares me. I think I'll leave any future psychiatric work to Deanna. I suspect in another session with Sarah Hollis she wouldn't bother to bring her pad along!

Picard's Psychiatric Evaluation (Part One)

"I don't want to have a psychiatric evaluation." I tell Deanna, "These sort of things are a waste of time."



"But you've got to, Captain." the Counselor tells me, "It's a mandatory directive from Starfleet that all Captains of starships must undergo a psychiatric evaluation to make sure the pressure of their role isn't weighing down on them."

"Can't YOU do it, Deanna?"

"No, Captain." she replies, "It must be conducted by an independant expert. I'm sure Dr Hollis will be very good."

"I don't want some old whiskered fool telling me the standard shrink baloney." I protest.

Deanna smiles, and leaves me to drink my Earl Grey.

----------

A few hours later, I am sitting in Deanna's office, which she has loaned to Dr Hollis for my evaluation. I hear the sound of footsteps.



"Good morning, Captain Picard." says the woman, "I'm Doctor Sarah Hollis. You may call me Sarah if I can call you Jean-Luc."

"You're a woman." I say, "I was expecting..."

"...a dodderly whiskered old fool?" she answers, "Tell me, do you often feel intimidated when you are with a woman?"

Dr Hollis starts writing on her pad.

"No, of course not!" I reply quickly.

"If you say so, Jean-Luc." she says dismissively, "No you are not married, are you?"

"No, but.." I start to say, but see Sarah is already writing her theories down.

"Are you in a relationship right now? she asks.

"Well yes." I tell her, "It's with the ship's doctor."

Sarah raises an eyebrow, "You mean the holographic male doctor?"

"NO!" I shout, "It's with Doctor Beverly Crusher, who is all flesh and blood!"

"I see." Dr Hollis mutters, "Do you always tend to get hostile when you masculinity is questioned?"

"No I don't." I tell her, "Now can we move on?"

"As you wish." she says, and holds up a photograph of a naked woman, "Now tell me what this is."

"It's a nude woman."

She then holds up another photo of a naked female. "What is this?"

"It's another nude woman." I answer.

"I see." Dr Hollis comments, "Do you tend to see naked women in all the pictures you see?"

"That's all you've shown me!" I say in exasperation, "As they are photographs, they couldn't be anything else."

The doctor stops to write a lot on her pad.

"I can see that we need another session, Captain." Sarah says formally, "We need to analyse your problems."

She walks out, with me feeling like my mind has been taken apart.

To be continued...

Survey Interference

This is interesting. I go to Bev in the SickBay.

"Hello, Jean-Luc." she starts, "Would you like to see me later and..."

Good evening , sir I'm sorry to interrupt you.

What? What is this?

My apologies.My name is Nigel. I just wondered if you would be free for me to conduct a survey. Starfleet are asking us to appear on random logs so we can get an opinion on...

No it isn't, Now clear off. I'm trying to write my latest adventure here.

That's all right, sir, now tell me who you are and we can begin our survey. I assure you that it is totally confidential and will just take up a few moments of your time.

Sigh. Very well. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise.

Really? Hey, Bill! We've hit the paydirt with this one. You'll never believe who I've got on my monitor! It's Picard of the Enterprise. Jasmine, MaryAnn, Jeff, Ritchie! Come over and take a look at my screen!

I thought this was confidential? Everybody seems to be reading it.

Forget what you heard, Captain Picard, your answers are completely confidential.

Well what do you want to know?

Do you have a wife and child?

No I don't!

All those gals on the starship I suppose? I remember in my History class what Kirk was like. Do you try to be like him?

Is this a question on the survey?

No, Captain. Sorry. I was just distracted. (giggle)

Did I hear a giggle?

Sorry, Captain. That was Georgina. She was bringing the drinks round for us in the call centre. She was looking at my screen. Everybody is finding it hard to read it with all the staff looking over my shoulder.

This doesn't sound at all confidential. Watch what you ask, or I'm switching off.

All right, we'll get back to the survey. Now I know you have those replicators, but where do you do your shopping when here on Earth?

Well, my favourite shop is....hey this isn't going to result in a lot of junk mail being sent to me, is it?

Of course not, Captain....that is if you specifically request it now, then send a form to the Preferential Deletion Unit, then make a Video request to the President of SellQuik Galactical.

I thought so. This is all one big marketing scam.

Certainly not, Captain. We prefer to classify it as Customer Resource Appropriation Preferral.

With a very appropriate acronym!

I'm not sure I understand that, Captain. Now back to the question...

Sorry, Nigel. I think this will have to stop. You can tell your superiors that Starfleet Officers will be on it's way to SellQuik Galactical to close it down and put them in the penal colony.

The screen goes blank.

-----------

With a satisfied smile on my face, I go back to what I was doing.

Now what was it?

A Job Offer For Picard

When I am called to my video monitor in the Ready Room, I expect an important message, possibly affecting the fate of the galaxy.

After all, I do feel like saving the universe again. Every now and then I like to do that. Whenever that happens, I give the stars on my uniform an extra polish.

But instead, I am greeted by the oversmiling face of Felicity, the secretary of Admiral Bullock.



"Hello Captain Picard." she says in her simple way. I can see all her make-up items on the desk. She has forgot to remove them.

"Hello, Felicity." I say, "Did you enjoy your hotel visit with the Admiral?"

At this, she goes a shade of red that even her make up can't disguise. Felicity then starts to go into a cheeky giggle while informing me that she is paging me through to Admiral Bullock.



Bullock's image flashes up. As it does, I see a lipstick mark on his right cheek that happens to match the same lipstick used by Felicity.

"Ah, Captain Picard." he starts, "I have something important to say to you."

"Do you have an important mission for us to go on, or a planet to save?"

"Err...nothing like that, Captain." he answers, "We at Starfleet Command noticed it was your 50th birthday in January."

Uh....here it comes....

"Well." Bullock continues, "We thought that it is really difficult to Captain a starship at your...I mean when one gets older, and thought you might like a desk job here on Earth."

"No, thank you, Admiral." I say sharply.

Bullock looks slightly taken aback, as it wasn't the answer he was expecting.

"We thought you might like to give a younger man a chance at the helm, so to speak."

I repeat my answer, this time a little more slowly in case he has wax in his ears.

"Captain." he tells me, "This job that we have for you is a very prestigious one. Many people will want it, but we are choosing to give it to you. It's Chairman of the Veteran Captains Retirement Home. You just have to visit each Retirement Home, hold the Bingo sessions, play Santa Claus at Christmas..."

I try to refrain from laughing.

"It sounds wonderful, Admiral." I say with a supressed smile, "But I have a starship to captain."

The bemused Admiral Bullock goes to switch off.

"Goodbye, Admiral." I tell him, "Don't forget to wipe off the lipstick."

The sight of Bullock attempting to find the lipstick as the videomonitor image fades puts me in a good mood for the rest of the day,

Back From Vacation

We all assemble in the Ready Room after our Christmas vacation. Each one looks worn out, even Data, as if he needs a recharge in his power cell. Seven of Nine looks like she hasn't been in her alcove to be regenerated in months.

I must admit, I feel dreadful as well.

"Well then, everybody." I say, "We're all back from our Christmas break. How did you all get on?"

This provokes a mass groan and heads collapse on the tables. Worf almost slides under the table.
"How did Alexander like WallyWorld, Mr Worf?"



"Oh, he was sick on all the rides." Jadzia interrupts, "His poor stomach couldn't take it."

"I'm sorry for Alexander." I reply.

"Oh, it wasn't him." Jadzia corrects me, "It was Worf. He just has no stomach to take funpark rides."

That explains Worf's greenish tint.

"How was Lwaxana Troi, Number One?" I ask.

This, predictably gives a glum look from Riker, but Deanna answers for him,



"Oh, we all had a super time." Deanna tells us, "My mother hosted everything very well, and Will did what he was told and didn't misbehave."

This comment appears as if they are talking about a five year old, and explains Eiker's glum reaction.

"How about you, Mr Data?" I ask. "What about you and Jennifer Baxter?"

The two both have a satisfied smile, and Data responds with "Is it all right if I keep that classified?"

Well two people had a Happy Christmas!

I start to ask Ro, but a get a "No comment." I ask Geordi the same abot his time off with Trisha Lewis and get the same reply.

This is like being a reporter on the Galactic Gazette!

"What about you two?" I ask Ensign Britney and T'Pol, "You must have had a fun time that you want to tell us?"

The problematic pair look at each other with a secret smile and then laugh.



"Shall I tell him or you, Brit?" T'Pol asks.

"Go on, sistah." Britney urges her.

"Well, we went to the supernightclub Eternal, as we said before." T'Pol starts, "The music was way too quiet for us, though, it was only 110 decibels. We sneaked behind the amplifiers and doubled the volume. The two of us had a great time dancing together. Not many others were around."

"I'm not surprised." Deanna comments.

"Did you deliver your Report to the Borg Queen, Seven?" I ask her.

"Yes, Locutus." she answers, "However that bottle of Klingon Bloodwine you gave us was diverting. The Queen and I drank it between us and in ten minutes were were singing We Wish You A Merry Christmas."

We all laugh except Seven.

"What about you and Doctor Crusher?" Riker asks, "Did you enjoy the Bideaway Hotel?"

Bev and I both grin to ourselves and say jointly "No comment."

Christmas Greetings From...

It's Christmas.

Time to hear some special Yuletide messages....

Alexander...my father has given me permission to wish you a Happy Christmas.

Beverly Crusher....goodwill to all people....Jean-Luc...I've got some mistletoe here.

Boothby...oh yeah, Happy Christmas. Just stay off the grass and no crushing the flowers.

Data...to you all and especially Jenny, I wish you a most enjoyable Chrstmas.

William Riker.....Have a great time. If you see any donuts anywhere, will you let me know?

Guinan....peace to all the creatures in the universe.



Kathryn Janeway.....Happy Christmas to those in the USS Voyager. Am I wasting my time in sending this across the universe? Will anyone hear us?

Deanna Troi...Happy Christmas, Will and mother....stay stress free...but not TOO stress free otherwise I'll be out of a job!

Lwaxana Troi...oodles of love to you all at Christmas!

Jadzia Dax...special Christmas Wishes to you all, especially my Worfie.

James T Kirk....has anyone seen the woman I'm supposed to fall in love with this week? Anyway, Happy Christmas.

Jennifer Baxter..Have a special, Christmas, Data, my darling . Hugs and kisses from your Jenny.

Lieutenant Worf....make sure you do not partake in too much alcohol consumption, otherwise my Security Team will be forced to put you in the brig.



Lore.....have a thoroughly miserable time, humans.

Karena....A Christmas greeting to all women, and also to my Life Servant husband, Wesley.

Erika Hernandez...I send you all greetings from the USS Rhode Island and...notnow, Mark, I'm trying to send this message.

Mark Hatherway...Have a really cool Yule...c'mon, Erika, here's the mistletoe.

Nexa...have a great time...except Karena, of course.

Elizabeth Shelby....I wish good health and happiness to all, except those who are blocking my promotions to the top.

Geordi La Forge....have a fab time...from me and Trisha.

Luthor Sloan...watch what you do over Christmas, because Section 31 will be watching you.

Captain Beverly Howard...may all those on the Enterprise have a terrible year, especially that copy of me.

Ro Laren....special secret kisses to my love, Gul Vorak.

Gul Vorak....an encrypted message of Christmas love to Ro Laren.

Seven of Nine....Enjoy this human festivity.

Wesley...our first Christmas married, Karena!

Ensign Britney....kiss kiss to you all, and special hugs to my soulsistah T'Pol.



Mirror T'Pol....Have a great time everybody, especially my number one girl, Brit.

Borg Queen...enjoy yourself in a reasonable manner or be assimilated.

Alpha Borg Queen....this is all very fascinating. What does one do with this mistletoe?

Ambassador Spock....I wish you a logical Christmas.

Thomas Riker...I wish you a Maquis Christmas.

Annika Hansen....special greetings from Unimatrix Zero

Borg Queen Troi....I wish you doom and destruction, which I shall happily bestow, especially on the Enterprise.

Holographic Doctor...I would sing you a suitable operatic medley, but instead shall wish you compliments of the season.

Vic Fontaine...I can sing an excellent White Christmas if you like....what? Just a message? Oh, have a good time then.

Well I think that's it. All that remains is for me to...



"Hold on, Mon Capitano. You're leaving me out again."

"Not now, Q"

"I want to be included. Don't you know your readers love me?"

"I can't think why. Very well, Q. Make it brief."

"Of course. Well on this most happy occasion, I feel honoured to be able to give this special Yuletide greeting to all those in the universe. After all that have gone before it seems that the best is last. You may remember that earlier, I said...."

"Q!!!"

"Oh very well, Jean-Luc. May you all have a most wonderful Christmas and a prosperous New Year"

He's gone. What a relief.

And after that, I extend my Christmas good wishes to you all, and the hope for a peaceful and Happy New Year.

Christmas Destinations (Part Two)

Now that I've had my cup of Earl Grey, I can resume my talk with the Senior Staff about what they will be doing over the Christmas vacation. We all reassemble in my Ready Room.

"What about you. Ro?" I ask, "Will you be visiting anyone on Bajor during the holidays?"

At this question, the young Bajoran becomes very shy, as if she is reluctant to say anything.



"Err...well..." she stutters, "I'm not sure. I might do, I'm not sure."

It's all very secretive. Prising anything out of Ro Laren is a very tough thing to do.

"Ro's got a boyfriend!" sings Ensign Britney over and over again. Ro goes red-faced, like a young schoolgirl. Has Britney hit upon the answer?

"Well, what about you, Ensign Britney?" Riker asks, "You've been teasing Ro. What about you?"



"Hey, I've got nothing to hide." answers the trouble-prone Ensign, "My soulsistah T'Pol and I will be heading to the new supernightclub Eternal on the planet Salavan. The are having a multi-night-all-you-can-eat and and dance spectacular. Days of non-stop jiving."

I raise my eyebrow, but not really surprised. It's just the sort of thing they would do.

"How about you, Geordi?" Deanna asks, "What will you be doing for Christmas?"

"Not much." he answers, "My girl Trisha and I are going skiing on the ice planet Chiili. I've always wanted to try it for real. It's not the same in the holodeck."

"Just remember that there are no safety protocols in place." I warn, "We want you back in one piece, not pieces."

We turn to Seven of Nine.

"What about you, Seven?" Bev asks, "How will you be enjoying Christmas?"



"Enjoyment is irrelevant!" says Seven, "We are the Borg, resistan..."

"Put a sock in it, Seven." Riker says, "You know the Borg Queen enjoyed her visit at the Party, and even her superior, the leader of the Borg race did, so loosen a few implants and have a good time."

"I will consider this." she says "When I visit the Borg Queen on Cube 01. I shall give her my report as to the current events."

"Then take her this Klingon bloodwine." I say, "I know it will go down well on the Cube."

She takes it.

"Well that was fun, finding out what you are doing."

"Hold on, Captain." Riker says, "You haven't mentioned what you and Doctor Crusher will be doing."

Bev and I start to go red, like Ro did earlier.

"Well, of course." starts Bev, "We will be visiting Wesley and Karena on Wondwowman, as they are staying with Queen Diana."

"That confirmation for the Bideaway Hotel must have been a mistake that I saw come in on the computer." Data states, "I shall cancel that."

"Don't do that!" Bev and I both say, "We'll sort it out."

I'll have Data's rewired for that!

Another voice pops up from behind.

"Hey! What about me?"



Q!

"You never ask what I'm doing, Mon Kapitano!" he exclaims, "Consider my feelings hurt."

I sigh.

"Very well, Q" I ask, "What ARE you doing this Christmas?"

"Oh, it's so BORING in the Continuum." he moans, "As there is no concept of time or space, everyday is the same. Here, pull this Christmas cracker."

He gives me a cracker to pull. He wins, and as the explosion goes off, all the clothes of the Senior Staff vanish.

"Now I've had a good Christmas, Jean-Luc." Q says as she vanishes, "Have a super time!"

----------------

And to all Journal readers......Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Christmas Destinations (Part One)

"Hello everybody." I say, "I know you are all starting to pack for your various locations over the Christmas vacation, but I thought we'd all have a chat."

A slight groan comes from those senior staff in the Ready Room. They know I am always curious to know where there are going.

"Well." I say, "It's fun knowing what we will all be doing. After all, we will go in different directions, visiting families and friends."

"What would happen if some aliens invaded while we were away, Captain." Geordi asks, "It seems like the whole Federation is on holiday."

"Oh,there will be a skeleton staff looking after the whole of Starfleet." I reply, "The Skeletas from the planet Skeleta have volunteered."



"Hence there Skeleton staff." Riker comments drily.

"Err...yes." I say, "Now let's start with you, Deanna. Where will you be going?"

"Not very far, Captain." she answers, "Will and I were all set to go the romantic waterfall on the planet of Elixa, but my mother called me, and said that she wanted to visit, so we are staying at my Earth home in San Francisco while I cook lunch for Will and her."

I can sense Riker's irritation. The waterfalls of Elixa are a lot better than spending Christmas with Lwaxana Troi!

"What about you, Jadzia?" I inquire, "Will you be doing anything interesting this Christmas?"



"Worfie....I mean Lieutenant Worf and I will be taking his son Alexander to WallyWorld, the planet for children, where he can meet Malcolm Muskrat and all the characters that the famous Uncle Wally created." she answers.

"Alexander to too old to go there!" snorts Worf, "He should be going to Klingon warrior training on the homeworld over Christmas."

"Don't be such a sourpuss, Worfie." Jadzia, "I know you always told me that you were a huge fan of Malcolm Muskrat."

Worf goes red...as much as Klingons do.

"You said you would never mention that!" he whispers."

"Never mind, Mr Worf." I tell him, "That's a secret that will stay in this room. Now how about you, Mr Data. What will you be doing?"



"I had planned to go to the cybernetic lectures," answers Data, "But my girlfriend Jennifer Baxter has threatened to use my 'off' switch if I consider it."

"Too right!" Jennifer says, interrupting him, "I want to spend a romantic Christmas with Data, not go listening to sleepy scientists talk about robotic theories. The two of us will be spending time in a icy log cabin on the planet Thermos, where there are warm heating inside."

"It sounds super." I say, "Shall we continue this discussion in a while, after we've packed a bit more?"

To be continued....

No Christmas This Year

"Who is coming aboard, Captain?" Data asks me, as we stand in the Transporter Room.

"It's someone newly promoted, an Admiral Simon Crooge." I reply. I've never met him.

The transporter flashes and an odd looking man appears.



"Err..Admiral Crooge?" I ask, not sure if this is the man.

"Yes, yes." replies, "My Admiral's outfit has been sent to the cleaners, and I've had to come in this casual outfit. Please excuse me."

"That's allright." I tell him, "Happy Christmas."

The Admiral looks alarmed, as if I have just done something unforgiveable.

"Humbug!" he snorts, "Christmas is for those making a pretty penny out of us all. I have recommended to the Federation President that Christmas be cancelled this year."

Riker listens and says, "You can't do that, Admiral!"

"Oh, can't I, Commander?" Crooge tells him defiantly, "Just you wait and see. I'm sending a directive that Christmas will not be celebrated on any starship or Federation planet. Instead, the day will be declared December Holiday. Happy December Holiday to you."

We all walk through the corridors, with Deanna and Bev joining as as we walk. Suddenly, we see an off-duty couple kissing with a mistletoe.




"How sweet." Deanna says, "It really brings Chrstmas to the ship."


"Humbug!" Admiral Crooge shouts, and walks over to the couple, breaking them up, and telling that mistletoe will not be used from now on and Christmas is cancelled. The girl runs off in tears.


"This directive could upset a lot of people, Admiral." I warn him.


"Nonsense, Picard." he replies, "They still get December Holiday. What more do they want?"


We get to the Bridge, where Data tells us the there is an urgent message from Starfleet Headquarters from the Federation President. It is for Admiral Crooge."


The face of our President comes on the screen. He is not happy.


"What the devil do you think you're playing at, Crooge?" he shouts, "You can't go around cancelling Christmas. All the Federation planets celebrate it."


"Err...I don't happen to like it, sir." Crooge says in a grovelling tone.


"Well you can come to Starfleet Headquarters and work all day here" the President answers, "You'll be the only one here, as I, and all the others will be away for Christmas."


"Err...yes sir." Crooge mumbles.


"And Crooge..." the President adds, "Happy Christmas."


We lead the Admiral back to the transporter room. On the way, we meet Ensign Britney, who is eating a bag of sweets."


"Do you want a sweet, Admiral?" she asks.


"What are they?"


"Humbugs."

The Race Afraid Of Women (Part One)

"Who is this delegate we are going to meet, Captain?" Riker asks me as we sit down to a meeting, "I have heard very little about him."

"Let's wait until they all come in before I explain, Number One." I reply, "There are a few delicate things I have to go through."

Riker looks puzzled, but complies as the senior staff assemble.

"Now then, everybody." I start, "We are about to welcome Ambassador Zoran from the planet Malakos. Well that is to say some of us will."



"What do you mean by that, Captain?" Deanna asks, "My empathic abilities detect a hint of nervousness from you."

I wish she could turn that off!

"It means, Counselor," I say, "That all women will have to be confined to quarters while the men talk to Ambassador Zoran."

All the women in the room look disgusted, and start talking at once. Seven talks about assimilating the Ambassador.

"Let me explain." I continue, "There are no women on the Planet Malakos. Only men are born there, and as a result, over the centuries, they have been afraid of encountering any women. It's a different culture."

Data looks puzzled, but Riker manages to ask the question that is on everybody's mind.

"If there are no women on Malakos." he says, "How do they errr.... increase in population and not die out?"

"They are very scientifically minded, Number One." I reply, "All their children are grown in test tubes, and the DNA is conditioned so that only men come out."



"That must be the most miserable planet in the galaxy." Jadzia comments wryly, "After all, no dates, no fun at night."

"I agree." Geordi answers, "Remind me not to go there. I wonder what he'd think of Wondawowman, the planet of the Amazons?"

I smile to myself at that remark. "Still." I say, the Ambassador will be there in a couple of hours. Mr Worf, ensure the women cannot be seen when the Ambassador arrives."

We all leave the Ready Room, but I see the women go back in for a meeting of their own.

I wonder if they are planning something mischievous?

To be continued...

Exploring In The Enterprise

Now that Wes and Karena are married, the Enterprise can get back to exploring the galaxy and defending the Federation against invading aliens.

Woe betide the galaxy if any aliens invade when a wedding takes place, or we have personal issues to sort out!

Come to think of it, the staff will have to have a discussion about the Enterprise Christmas Party soon.

I digress. Let's do some exploring. Starfleet will get mad if we don't.

I step on the Bridge, ready to lead the ship into new frontiers. Bev walks past and into the turbolift as I enter.



"Don't forget our date at 20:00 tonight in Ten Forward, Jean-Luc." she whispers, "I've bought a new dress."

"I'll be there, Bev." I whisper back, and she leaves in the turbolift.

All those on the Bridge turn their heads back to face the viewer as if they have not being listening.

Riker finishes eating his donut.

"Don't forget you have to be present at Ensign Britney's latest disciplinary at 10:00, Captain." Riker reminds me.

I groan.

"What's she done this time?" I reply in exasperation.

"Throwing bread rolls at Guinan in Ten Forward." Riker answers, "Guinan tells me she's going to sort that little madam out, as she puts it."

"It looks like we've got to placate the situation there, Number One." I conclude, "Where are we heading, Mr Data?"



"The Carva Sector, Captain." Data answers, "It is a completely unexplored part of the Quadrant."

"That's great!" I exclaim, "A chance to see some new things, make First Contact. Proceed there at Warp Eight."

After we have been going for an hour, the Warp engines gring to a halt.

I wince. Deanna tells me not to worry, and gives me a stress pill.

"What's going on Mr LaForge?" I ask on my ComBadge.

"The Warp Drive is all broken down, Captain," Geordi answers, "I can patch it together for a while, but it needs to be looked at properly at a Starbase."

"Where is the nearest one?"

"Starbase 27 is two light years away." Riker answers, "We can limp there and get fixed. It'll mean no exploring for a day or so."

Why does the Enterprise always break down just when we want it to do something interesting? The guarantee on the replacement parts has probably ran out as well.

Ah well, there is always another time.

--------------------

Editor's Note:

The next post will be on Wednesday as I'm off to Brighton, so can only do two this week. This one and the Wednesday one is scheduled, so may not be able to comment on blogs.

Picard Loses His Memory (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I'm worried about Jean-Luc. Ever since he had that accident on Darius VI, he's been very secretive.

Not only that, he is watching everybody carefully, writing things down when he finds something out. When I ask Jean-Luc what he was doing, he just says "Nothing."

I'm sure things aren't right, though. We went to the Enterprise cinema, and instead of kissing in the back row, as we usually do, Jean-Luc let me watch the movie while he crawled around the cinema, taking notes about who was sitting with who.

"It's not right, Will." I say when talk to Riker and Deanna, along with the other senior staff, "The Captain seems to be a changed man."



"I should say." Ensign Britney complains, "He didn't tell me off for chewing gum this morning when he walked past. The Captain was concentrating more on the message he was about write on his handviewer."

"That's not right, soulsistah Britney." her friend T'Pol comments, "If the Captain is out of sorts, how can we be rebels?"

I try to work that out.

"We have a more serious problem concerning the Captain."Riker starts, but eats a donut. I think that's to calm his nerves.

"We were told by Starfleet Headquarters via a secret message there was an Admiral Rickman appointed to lead a Task Force to root out all Section 31 agents from Starfleet."

"What has happened, Commander Riker?" asks Data.

"Since then, Starfleet authoriies have told us there is no record of such a Task Force, or none of any Admiral Rickman existing."



"It sounds like Section 31's work." Deanna, "But what does this have to do with the Captain."

"We were the only ship to get the message." Riker answers, "And shortly after we announced that, there was an unuauthorised message from a concealed channel on the ship. It was his private channel, and could only have come from the Captain."

"Jean-Luc is no spy!" I exclaim.

"He has been acting differently, Beverly." Jadzia summises, "Perhaps more happened to him on Daruis VI than he knows...or is telling us."

"The Borg Queen would not tolerate a spy!" Seven says disgustedly, "They would be disconnected."

Jean-Luc suddenly enters the briefing room.

"What's going on?" he says, "A meeting without my knowledge?"

Suddenly I rush up to Jean-Luc, but my arms around his neck...and knock him out with a hypospray.

------------

"So that's it, Doctor?" Riker tells be, "Your examination tells that he had clearly lost his memory for some time during his accident?"

"Yes." It looks like someone took advantage of the situation. Still, the concussion is healed. He should be all right now."

Jean-Luc gets up and recalls in horror as he tells us what he has done for Section 31.

"I'm glad it worked." I comment, "My alternative solution was to hit you with a brick to get your memory back."

"What can we do, Will?" he asks.

"I think a few false messages to Sloan will sort things out." says Riker, "If he still thinks you're with them, they will get puzzled with disinformation and not sure what is real."

"Excellent, Will." says Jean-Luc, who then looks at me, "Beverly, I think we both need to go back to the Enterprise Cinema. This time, we'll both stay in the back row!"

-------------

Meme alert!

Mimi has sent me this meme where I have to type my first name plus 'needs' in Google and see what the results are. Here are some of the replies:

* I have told Arsene Wenger he needs to spend big on up to four major stars if he is to challenge Manchester United and Chelsea again.

* needs to turn 3 more or gain 75 more Vampire points to reach the next level: Vampire Warrior. This is from my own Facebook!

* needs to tighten some bolts so that the propellers on the very top of the tower start spinning.

* will be hospitalized about one week. He will then need about one month at home to fully recover.

* needs a slap.

* needs to learn from Errict Rhett’s mistakes.

* needs to get his “butt back out to practice.’’

Picard's Official Review (Part One)

I beam down to Starfleet Headquarters. This is the sort of meeting I dislike intensely. An assessment of how well I'm doing by some official who has never even left the planet.



So I'm having to wait in a Reception while some secretary, whose name is Jennifer according to the nameplate works on her electronic computer record.

"Admiral Bullock." will see you in a moment, Captain." the secretary says, "He is just finishing his lun....I mean his important document work."

After a while, a button goes off, which seems to wake Jennifer up from her intermittant make up and computer work.

"Admiral Bullock will see you now, Captain." she says somewhat apologetically, and point me to the door with his name on, as if he could he anywhere else!

"Come!" a voice beckons from within.



"Ah." he starts, "It's Picard of the Enterprise, isn't it? I thought it's time we had a little chat about how you've been doing."

"Yes, sir." I say somewhat demurely.

"I must say, we've had to repair your ship a few times, Captain." he starts, "I don't know what's holding it together now with the amount of repairwork it's had to have. Do you think you enjoy having it battered? Starfleet can't afford to keep patching it up."

"The Enterprise has fought a lot of battles." I say somewhat irritatingly, as if I want to throw a custard pie in his face, "If saving the Federation and the universe means matching the ship up a little, then so be it."

"Mmm." Bullock says to himself, then continues, "I must say, Captain, your crew leaves a lot to be desired. An android, a holographic doctor, a Borg drone, a rebel from an evil dimension two centuries ago, not to mention an Ensign who seems to be in so much trouble, she is mostly in the brig."

"All together, they are a fine group." I tell him defensively, "They may be unusual, but it's still the best ship and crew in Starfleet."

"Mmmm." Bullock again says to himself, and writes down some information on his page.

"Just what is this for, Admiral?" I ask, "Is it just a review or something more?"

"Well, Captain." he answers, "Every so often we have to do a review, as you say, but certain Admirals, and I won't say who, think you may have, shall I say, been in the saddle too long."

"You mean they want me to quit?" I ask.

"Oh, that's being too blunt." Bullock answers, "After all, you know what a generous pension allowance we at Starfleet have. You could relax on a farm with Doctor Crusher instead of worrying about the fate of the universe."

"How do you know anything about Doctor Beverly Crusher?" I say with annoyance, "That is not relevant."

"Well you can have whoever you like, Captain." Bullock answers as if he has been caught out, "I was only using the Doctor as an example."

"Mmmm." I say in similar way that he does, "What do you think of space travel I ask him."

"I've always been based at Starfleet Headquarters." Bullock answers, "I've never had the need to fly in a starship."

"Do you think you're qualified to ask me then."

"Careful, Captain." Bullock warns me, "I am an Admiral. I'll take my Report and see you with the findings in a couple of days."

To be continued...

A Small Plumbing Problem

Lieutenant Geordi LaForge looks particularly panic stricken; with him is Commander Riker.

"We've got a small problem." They both seem to say at once.

"Well see Doctor Crusher about it." I answer, "Or failing that, see Counselor Troi."



"No, Captain." Geordi tries to say, "It's a plumbing problem."

"Oh, I see." I tell him, "Then you DEFINATELY need to see Doctor Crusher."

Both of them seem to be frustrated, as if I'm not understanding what they are saying.

"The problem is this." Riker says slowly, "The errr...lavatories in the Enterprise washrooms are ceasing to function. As they are all linked, none of them are working."

"And we've got over a thousand people on board..." I say in realisation.

"That's right, sir." Riker answers, "And with the Bolian digestive system, it could be a major difficulty."

"It was their system that probably caused the washrooms to fail. " I tell them, "Get the emergency repairers out here."

"It's under way, sir."

"Tell everybody to errr...hold tight." I say, in a somewhat poor choice of words.

--------------

A few hours later, the repairer is beamed aboard. Everybody on the ship is looking a little restless, as if they want to use the facilities desperately. The Bolians have been given a sleeping drug just to make sure everything is all right.



The repairer is covered in a protective suit with an air cannister on the back.

"Hello mate." says the soundspeaker on his suit.

I groan.

"Hello Sid." I reply.

Sid is the Starfleet repairer who uses tools and technology from the 20th Century to repair problems. His mind and manner is fixed in that era as well.

"What's the suit for, Sid." Riker asks him.

"Are you kidding, mate?" he answers, "When I have to do a lavatorial plumbing repair job on a starship inhabited by all sorts of race...Bolians incuded....I'm keeping this suit well and truly on!"

Sid makes his way to the main washroom where the trouble originated. We notice that some crew have passed out from walking near the doorway.

Riker, LaForge and I are starting to feel a little groggy, so we walk back quickly. I turn to see Sid go in holding a spanner and carrying a bag of tools.

We section the area off from other crew, as it is too dangerous to go near.

--------------

A while later, we are all waiting for news from Sid.

"It's been half an hour. Do you think he has air for that long, Jean-Luc." asks a worried Bev, "If he fails to fix the problem, we could all be done for."

"He's still going, Bev." I reply, "The sound from the room can tell that his hammer and spanner are banging away at the pipes."

Suddenly there is silence. We all look at each other worriedly.

After a couple of minutes, the monitor shows the figure of Sid walk out of the washroom with his hood off.

"It's all fixed, mate!"

--------

We escort Sid to the Transporter Room and ask him how we can prevent anything like this happening again.

"That's easy, mate." he replies, "Never serve a Bolian lasagna after he has had Klingon Bloodwine. It's a potent combination."

The Abduction Of Data (Part Four)

Here in the Enterprise, we have nearly arrived at Staros, so that we can sign an important Treaty.

However, my mind is on other things...and it's not when my next cup of Earl Grey is going to arrive.

Data was abducted by a small vessel just as we set off from Staros, but due to the insistance of the Starovians that the Enterprise senior staff be present, and that the Treaty meant a big difference in the future of Federation border controls, we had to go. However, Data's girlfriend, Jennifer Baxter has gone on an unofficial mission to rescue him, although I approved it.

"Have you heard anything, yet, Captain?" Riker asks me as he walks into my Ready Room.

"No, Number One." I reply, "My Earl Grey could be a while yet, as the replicator is being a little troublesome."

"I meant Ensign Baxter." he explains, "We haven't heard from her since she left in the Orion shuttlecraft.



"She is a most resiliant female." adds Worf, who was standing behind Riker, "I found her a formidable adversary in the holodeck martial arts program."

"You mean she beat you!" Riker adds quickly.

"There is no need to speak of that." Worf replies, "The important thing is that we are able to locate Commander Data and Ensign Baxter."

"Agreed." I tell them, "Let's get this Treaty over with so we can find them."

The three of us go to the Bridge where the other staff are gathered. The ship is coming out of Warp.

T'Pol and Britney are both near the back, and are standing with Seven of Nine.



"You should have sent the three of us, Locutus." Seven insists, "We would have brought Data back without a problem."

"I could not do that, Seven." I reply, "You three were deemed necessary to the Treaty, though I can't think why."

It might have made it too easy for us, come to think, with those three going along as well!

"Open a hail to Staros." I command in my best Captain's voice.



"Planet Staros speaking!" comes the reply from a man wearing a weird toupee and looking like he's from a call centre, "I'm Bruca, how may I help you?"

"I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise." I inform him, "We are here for the signing of the Treaty with the Starovian President."

"You must be mistaken." Bruca replies, "We are expecting no visitors. In fact, the President is on vacation for the next week."

I start to get annoyed, but Deanna breaks in. She is better at diplomacy than I am.

"Perhaps it is a secret meeting, Bruca?" she asks, "Please check with your supervisor to see the details, and you can send us the co-ordinates for beaming down."

"I AM my superior, young lady." he replies, "I am the Secretary for the President here on Staros, and if he had to meet anyone important, I would know about it. Now kindly leave."

The link promptly switches off, and we all look at each other blankly before the truth dawns.

"There never was a Treaty!" Deanna exclaims, "All this was a ruse to get us here."

"...and to prevent us rescuing Data." I continue, "Faked messages that insisted the whole crew be present."

"The only thing that the message did not allow for was Jennifer Baxter going by herself..." Beverly surmises.

Swiftly, like someone who has been caught out by an April Fool gag, I say, "Turn the ship round, and go Warp Nine. We might not be able to follow the original ion trail of the abductor's ship, but the Orion shuttlecraft might have one. If Jennifer Baxter has set up a distress beacon on the ship, it will take us right there.

Let's hope we're in time!

To be continued...

The Abduction Of Data (Part One)

"Where are we going exactly, Captain?" asks Riker as I sit in my Ready Room, drinking my mid-morning cup of Earl Grey and eating my biccy.

"As I said before, Number One." I reply, "We are going to Staros. You should have listened properly in the briefing instead of eating those three donuts. This could be one of the most important assignments we've ever had as it could bring peace across the Federation borders."



"Why's that?" he asks.

I sigh. Why do I have to repeat these things for the benefit of those not listening?

"The Starovians sent a message to Starfleet saying they agree to police the Neutral Zone between the Federation and Romulan Star Empire. They have specifically requested that the Enterprise be present to sign the Treaty, and that all staff be present at the time designated."

"It all sounds rather suspicious, Captain." Riker comments.

"Number One." say irritatingly, "Why are you always so negative? If we can pull this off, the Romulans won't be able to get through to our borders ever again. It will be a great fillip for the Enterprise and the Federation. Look on the bright side."

We both go on to the Bridge.



"The Enterprise is on course for Staros, Captain." Data declares, "Proceeding at this speed, we should arrive at our destination in..."

Nothing else is heard, as Data vanishes into thin air.

Everybody goes into major panic as we try to figure out what is going on, as if we are turkeys who have just realised it's Thanksgiving.

"What's going on?" I ask, "Where did Data go?"

"Sensors show a small vessel has gone into Warp in the direction of 184.6." states Worf.

"Let's turn the ship round and follow it." I exclaim.

"Captain." Deanna reminds me, "The Staros meeting will not happen if we try and pursue the vessel. Starfleet informed us how important it was to attend. We may have to find him afterwards."

Grudgingly, I concede, and we continue on our way to Staros.

------------

A few moments later, as I rest in my Ready Room, the door bursts open.



It's Ensign Jennifer Baxter, Data's girlfriend. She is livid.

"Why have you not gone after Data, Captain?" she demands to know. There's nothing so angry as an incensed woman.

I explain about the Summit meeting, but it's falling on deaf ears.

"So you don't care about him any more, then?" she comments, "Very well, I'LL go after him!"

"Ensign, the Starovians want everybody present, and..."

"DATA won't be present." Jennifer reminds me. She has a point.

"I can't risk losing another crewmember." I say pathetically.

"Captain." she says, rolling her eyes in impatience, "Check your records. I'm the fittest, toughest and most agile person on the ship, according to holodeck notes. I managed to beat both Jadzia and Lieutenant Worf in the martial arts."

I check and it's all true.

"Lieutenant Worf never mentioned it." I comment.

"He wouldn't, would he?" Jennifer replies drily.

I sigh.

"Very well, Ensign." I say, "Take a shuttle and follow the ion trial that the vessel took. This is strictly an unofficial mission that Starfleet know nothing about. If you are caught or killed, I will disavow any knowledge of your actions. Good luck, Jennifer."

I get the idea that a recorded tape should burn and fizzle out at this point.

-----------

As Ensign Baxter leaves in her shuttle, Deanna, Riker and Beverly see it disappear into the distance.

"Do you think she will make it, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks.

"I hope so, Beverly." I reply, "Jennifer Baxter is Data's only hope."

To be continued...

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part One)

"Are you sure we are not in any hostile territory, Number One." I ask Riker as we sit on our chairs in the Bridge.

"Of course not, sir." he replies petulantly. He had been complaining a few moments earlier about that plastic seat he has to sit on.

"Then why are we being signalled by four battlecruisers?" I ask. Apparently, Riker had been too busy picking the donut crumbs off his chair to notice the events on the screen.

"Oh, them." he replies hesitantly, "I'm sure they want to welcome us to their part of the galaxy."
"I don't think so." pipes up Deanna, "I feel there is distinct evil emanating from their ship, as well as opportunaties to get something."

I tell Data to activate the videoscreen to see what we've got this time.



Charming. This alien needs to work on his smile a little, although it looks like he visits the dentist often enough.

I go into my usual welcome spiel, although aliens tend to ignore it.

"I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Star..."

"You will be silent!" the alien barks before I can finish, "I am Captain Karas of the Myranian ship Conquerer." he informs me, "You have strayed into our part of space. You will hand your vessel over to us."

"Now look..." Riker starts, but I urge him to sit back.

"Captain Karas." I say, in my best diplomatically grovelling voice, "We are explorers, and made a simple mistake by coming into your airspace. If you'll let us turn round, we'll remove ourselves, and I'll send a letter of comnedation to your government for the masterful way you conducted this incident."

"Your entire crew will be transported in five minutes by our mass transporter." Karas tells us, "To a safe planet in your space where you can reside. In a few months, we may choose to inform your commanders where you are, and they can rescue you."

"This is outrageous!" shouts Worf, "You will pay for your insolence!"

"...Or we may not." continues Karas. "Your starship will be taken by us to a Myranian scrapyard, where it will be crushed, and the metal used to build a Myranian ship. You can take comfort in knowing that your puny vessel will be making a REAL ship, that is worthy of battle."

The signal is gone.

"We have to attack the vessels now." says Worf and Riker, as if in tune.

"We cannot." Data tells them, "Sensors show that the four battleships have far superior weapons. We would be destroyed if there were just one."

"What are we going to do, Captain?" asks Deanna.



THIS is the woman that I ask for advice? Time is ticking away before we are all beamed off.

Come to think of it, there are two I know that won't be beamed off. Only they can save the ship.

Quickly, I instruct the computer to record a message to be activated with a holo-image of me the instant everybody leaves the ship.

------------

Suddenly, we all vanish, and over 1000 of us find ourselves on a tree-infested world, that looks well stocked with fruit and water.

Some crewmembers, who were on the nightshift, and were sleeping, are still in their jimjams. Ensign Britney complains that she did not have time to collect her chewing gum.

I instruct the staff to search for various places we can stay and things we can eat while we wait for the Enterprise to come back... if it ever does.

To be continued...

Translators

"This is one occasion when the Universal Translators will not work, Number One." I tell Riker as we go to the Transporter to welcome our guest.

"Why is that, Sir?" he asks.

"Because the Vral speak generally in hand signals." I tell him, "Though they do speak minimally, they prefer to use hands. As a result, a translator is coming aboard to teach us how to spreak in Vral."

"It sounds tricky."

"Indeed it does, Number One," I tell him, "Their signals are not easy as it is, I'm told."

-----------

The two of us wait the beaming in of the translator.



I introduce myself, and he says he is Ambassador Krell from the nearby planet of Dal. There, they speak normally as well as use the Vral sign language fluently. He asks for us and the senior staff to be gathered so that he can teach os basic Vral.

-----------

All of us are assembled in my Ready Room.

"If the Borg had assimilated the Vral." complains Seven of Nine, "There would be no need to go through this."

I wince at this, and ask Krell to start off.

"Firstly," he says, "In order to say hello, raise your hand in an open palm like this."

I do this, but Krell looks embarrassed.

"Not like that, Captain Picard." he tells me, "By holding the thumb slightly inward, it means you are expressing an intent to spend the night with that person."

I quickly put my thumb out and go red.

"Now hold both arms open." he instructs, "It means you are welcoming them to where you are."

We all practice doing this. Deanna is told off this time, as she held her arms too far. Again, according to Krell, this meant that they wished to spend the night with that person.

"Hold on, Ambassador Krell." I tell him, "How many gestures are there in the Vral sign language that could be mistaken for an intention of wishing to spend the night?"

"Oh, hundreds." Krell says casually, "Which is why you must learn the language carefully."

"It may also explain why the Vral population is very high." reasons Data.

---------------

Several hours later, we are ready to receive the Vral Ambassador. We are all sweating, with the exception of Data, who doesn't sweat.

"I willl welcome Ambassador Noor to the ship." says Krell, "Then introduce him to you, where the two of you can carry on in sign language.

That's the part I'm worried about.

In a few moments, the Vral Ambassador beams on.



Krell goes through a series of complex hand gestures, some of which I recognise from our training, others are way beyond me.

Finally, Krell presents me to Noor, and I start my hand signals, pointing to each of the staff and introducing them.

After that, we are all leaving the transporter room. Ambassador Noor pulls me aside.

"I am most flattered by your offer, Captain." he says quietly, "But I assure you, I'm not that kind of person."

I cringe and turn red faced.

I never was any good at sign language!

---------------

Author's Note:

Vegeta has unkindly left me a meme to do in which I should list seven random things about myself.

Here we go..

1: I always insist that the Captain's chair is clean, even if we are having alien invaders.

2: I had to replicate the bottle of Chanel Number 5 that I got for Bev for her birthday present as the shops had ran out.

3: I sing 'Oh What A Beautiful Morning.' in the sonic shower.

4: I do Jimmy Cagney impressions.

5: I still don't know how stardates are worked out.

6: I don't like metrication, although that is all the Federation use.

7: I had a sly scoop of Deanna's chocolate sundae while she turned to talk to Riker.

At this point, I'm supposed to nominate seven others, but I'm not so cruel, and will leave it to you.