I've been kidnapped by a mad woman named Valerie, who is obsessed about me.
We decided to meet in a cafe so I could perhaps reason with her, but despite Worf's security forces, Jennifer's multiphase disruptor and Britney's umbrella, she quickly held my hand, typed a series if numbers into her bracelet, which made the two of us beam out and reappear somewhere else.
While I am still somewhat dazed, evidentally from the effects of the drink, Valerie quickly puts me in the rear of her little cargo ship and switches the force field on.
Like any idiot who has to see if a 'wet paint' sign is still relevant, I test the force field and for my trouble, I get a massive electrical shock, which shoots me back.
"Don't touch the force field, my love." calls out Valerie, who tells me she is just setting the ship on auto pilot, and will be with me shortly.
I suddenly notice nearby a suit.
"What's this suit for, Valerie?"
She walks in and looks at it. "I would have thought that was obvious, my darling." she says, "I made a lot of enquiries as to your size, and know that it fits you."
"But's it's a groom's outfit!" I protest.
"Of course it is, sweetheart." Valerie tells me, "I have my wedding dress hidden away on the ship. Naturally, I can't let you see it until the ceremony, which will be very soon. You know how unlucky it is for a groom to see a bride's dress before."
Right now it seems like I'm not having a lot of luck.
"But, Valerie." I protest, "We can't get married. I don't love you."
"Well then you'll have to LEARN to love me!" she says angrily, "If you try and get away, I'll kill you."
So much for the loving bride!
"It won't be long." she continues, "The banns were announced at the Elvis Galactic Chapel, which is where we are heading right now."
Valerie skips off, trilling Here comes the bride, while I look like I've got my last hours of freedom.
To be continued......