Sunday, December 30, 2007

New Years Eve

It's time to board the Enterprise again after our Christmas break.

Over the last few days, it has been in Space Dock being cleaned by the latest Starfleet techniques, so we are all ready to fly to uncharted parts of the galaxy.

After we've had our New Year's Eve Party, of course.

All of the crew are about to board, with me leading the way when we are stopped by a little old lady who is carrying a mop, a cleaning pan and a bucket. She is smoking a cigarette and already has another lit ready to replace it.

"Hold it right there!" she says, and then emits a wheezing cough.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"I'm Edna Smith, the Starfleet cleaning lady." she replies, "And I'm here to warn you not to make a mess of this ship again. If it hadn't been for the help of that nice Mister Q, I'd still be there now, working my fingers to the bone..."

"Q!" I exclaim, "Q has been on the ship?"

"Yes." Edna replies, "Such a charming man. A real friendly gentleman. It's too bad there aren't more people like him running Starfleet."

Riker laughs and I give out a grudging mumble.

"Now see here, Mrs Smith." I tell her, "You'll have to go, as we are on an urgent mission."

"You mean your New Year's Party?" Edna replies sharply, "Now let me tell you, Captain, "I saw bloodwine stains all over the carpets. Everywhere was a disgrace. Can't your crew behave themselves? If not, I can't let you on to celebrate the New Year."

There is a groan from the 1000 plus crew behind me. Worf steps forward.

"Now see here, madam." he tells Edna in an officious voice, "I shall be forced to remove you if you do not comply with the Captain's wishes."

"You would manhandle a defenceless old woman?" she tells him, "I've been doing this job over 50 years." Edna then proceeds to push the wet mop in Worf's face.

"How about if we let you come to the party, Mrs Smith?" I suggest, "After all, we are not leaving Space Dock until the party is over."

Edna contemplates this. "You're on." she says.

Somehow, I think this is what she wanted all along!


It's New Years's Eve and the Party is in full swing in Ten Forward.

"How do you think the party is going, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks me, as Vic Fontaine sings another from his New Year set.

"Very well, Bev." I reply, "Edna Smith is enjoying herself. I can see Ensign Barclay was a little shocked when she grabbed him and tried to dance the Bossa Nova."

Ensign Britney came in her blonde wig, but it wasn't long before she tried to take of the microphone off Vic and wanted to sing an X-rated version version of Auld Lang Syne. Fortunately, Worf's team of security got to her and now she's in her natural habitat...the brig.

"What am I going to do with that girl, Counselor? I ask Deanna.

"I'm not sure." she replies, "She was the subject of a whole Couselor's Conference at one stage, but they all gave up."

"All right, folks," Vic shouts out, "It's nearly midnight. Get your loved ones near you and your lips ready..."


Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.

We twa hae sported i' the burn,
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.

And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll tak' a right good willie-waught,,
For auld lang syne.

Bev and I both kiss, as do all the other couples. Seven Of Nine approaches me.

"I do not understand the lyrics of this song." she complains.

"Perhaps you should have assimilated Robert Burns?" I say with a wry comment. Seven leaves, none the wiser.

Beverly laughs.

"Would it have been a good idea to have all the Borg talking like Robert Burns?"

"Possibly not." I reply, "But they might have written a few good poems."


Author's Note:
To all the readers of my Journal, I wish them a very Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 29, 2007

TWQ: New Year Resolution

As the year draws to a close, it's time to start thinking about things we are determined to do in the next. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at this.

What are you determined to start or stop doing as part of a New Year's Resolution? Add as many as you wish. Add a little humour as well!

My answers are:

1: Be more tolerant of other people. I tend to make too many snap judgements about some.

2: Clean out the VCR cupboard. I don't use VCR anymore. Make space for growing DVD collection.

3: Try and do them before the end of 2010.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Q's Visit

Guest Poster: Q

With things so slack around the Q Continuum, events are just bor-ing. The rest of the council have barred me playing Interplantary Pool with three planets and a giant comet. They say we beings should be more responsible.

How stuffy can you get? I think that they must be getting old. Not that us Q beings ever grow old, but that's beside the point.

The only way to bring some brightness and to cheer me up us to visit my old friend Jean-Luc Picard on the Enterprise. I know he loves to see me and have a chat.

All right; that's not exactly true. He can't stand me dropping in, but I enjoy winding him up.


I appear on the Bridge, wearing a Mexican outfit and singing a typical song extra loud, just to get him going.

There is nobody there; the Bridge is empty.

"What's going on!" I say to myself, this is not good.

Looking outside, I see the ship is in Space Dock.

Suddenly, the Bridge doors open, and a little old lady comes in with a mop, water bucket and a cleaning pan. A cigarette is hanging out of her mouth.

"Out of the way, dearie" she says, wiping the floor underneath me, so I get wet, "You shouldn't be here."

"Who are you?" I reply, "Where are the crew?"

"Don't you know it's Christmas, dearie?" the woman tells me, "I'm Edna Smith, the Starfleet cleaning lady. The crew have all gone for their Christmas break, leaving me to work my fingers to the bone in making this place look presentable."

She sits on her bucket for a moment, takes a drag on her cigarette, which makes Edna emit a wheezing cough that could strip paint. She then lights up another cigarette.

"I'm trying to give them up." she tells me, "I'm doing well. I used to smoke three a time, now I only do one a time."

Another wheezing cough later, Edna gets up, throws a half-smoked cigarette into the water bucket and lights another one. Her mop goes into the water bucket and carries on cleaning.

I decide to go somewhere else. The fair Lady Kathryn Janeway must be keen to see me. After all, those on Voyager haven't got anywhere to go.

Before I do leave, I blink, and the Enterprise is spotlessly clean.


"What do YOU want, Q?" is Kathryn's first words when I appear on the Bridge of the Voyager.

"Why, my dear Kathryn." I say in a happy voice, "It is merely to wish you the compliments of the season."

"We'll all wish you a very Happy Christmas if you bring us back to Earth." Tom Paris pipes up. How annoying.

"You may wish that." I reply, "But it is against the order of things. You have the ability to get home by yourselves."

"Why are you here, Q?" Chakotay comments sourly, "Did the Enterprise throw you off?"

I give them all party hats and get Christmas music to play around the ship. A lot of the crew smile at this reminder of home.

"Thank you for that, Q" Kathryn says with a smile, "It is good for morale."

I suddenly produce a mistletoe and hold it over Kathryn hopefully.

"Don't push it, Q" she warns me.

Before she knows it, I have given her the fastest of kisses and vanished back into the Continuum.

That's the fun of being a Q entity. One can get away with things like that.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Happy Christmas From...

Well, it's time the Enterprise went into Space Dock and got a good clean up until we are ready to go where no one etc etc.

At this time of year, the ship is showing a little wear and tear, and we need it to look good. We can't go around with torn carpets, spilt bloodwine, and so on. It doesn't look good for dignitaries.

Before I do go, a few people have some things to say:

Beverly Crusher: Have a beautiful Christmas, and a long and healthy New Year, especially you, Jean-Luc.

Boothby: You whippersnappers. Make sure you don't do anything that'll put you in the brig.

Data: May I wish you all compliments of the season?


Hey, whatever you do, have a great time.

Kathryn Janeway: Is anyone there? Has the Alpha Quadrant been wiped out? Just in case anyone is listening, Happy Christmas.

Jadzia Dax: Merry Christmas to all, especially my Worfie.

James T Kirk: Have a wonderful time. Best Wishes from me and whoever my love interest is for this week.

Lwaxana Troi: Have a simply marvelous time, my loves! Oodles of kisses from Lwaxana XX

Annika Hanson: Best Wishes to all in Unimatrix Zero and to my friend Dr Katelin Shane Basil.
Sloan: Have a sly Christmas. Don't forget to report on your friends. We need information about them.

Will Riker: Enjoy a Number One Christmas.

Deanna Troi: May your happiness last all year, and be free of counselors.

Lieutenant Worf: Enjoy this human celebration. Alexander will be behaving himself.

Lore: Good wishes to all pychopathic androids.

Ro Laren: Merry Christmas to all races in the Galaxy, except for Cardassians. You know what I think of THEM!

Jennifer Baxter: To my Darling Data, have a joyful Christmas. Kisses from Jenny.

Wesley Crusher: Happy Christmas to my honeybunch, Karena.....and Mom, of course.

Toots: Hey, Johnny, have a fabbo Christmas and New Year, from your Moll, Toots.

Seven of Nine: Resistance is futile. Enjoy Christmas or be assimilated. Special wishes to my friend Sky.


Christmas wishes to all women, and to my pumpkin Wesley.

Doctor: I wish you a healthy Christmas. If you make yourself ill through excessive drinking and eating, well don't come running to me. I warned you.

Reg Barclay: H-have a v-very H-h-h-happy Christmas.

Mirror T'Pol:

I wish everybody in the Terran Empire a fine time, and also to my sistah Britney!

The Borg Queen: May all your races enjoy Christmas and New Year. It may well be your last as humans if we can assimilate you. Believe me, a Borg Christmas is much more fun.

Borg Queen Troi: Enjoy this occasion you pathetic creatures. As for Deanna, remember that I'll get you someday.

Captain Beverly Howard: Beverly Crusher, you may enjoy Christmas while you can. I am your superior version.

Ensign Britney: To my soul sistah T'Pol. Looking forward to a year of heavy partying and hanging out together.

Ambassador Spock: It is logical that you enjoy yourself on this fascinating and festive occasion.

Geordi La Forge: To Trisha Lewis and all my have a far out time, now.

Q: Humans are so strange. They have all these occasions and parties. Any alien isn't allowed to invade at this time. Good luck with your celebrating.

Vic Fontaine: Hey, fellas, I've got a whole range of Christmas songs in my repetoire. Give the word and I'll tell the guys in the band to start.


After those messages, it remains for me to wish each and every one of you a very
Happy Christmas!


Author's Note:

The next post will be on Thursday night British time.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

TWQ: Unwanted Presents

With Christmas almost here, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about those presents you dread arriving. This was borrowed from Mrs Mogul

Which presents would you NOT want to have? List as many as you wish. Add funny ones, actual ones, presents you had in the past or fantasy examples.

My answers are:

1: A Christmas card from Victoria and David Beckham

2: An 'Introduction To Scientology' course hosted by Tom Cruise.

3: A cup with 'Happy Xmas' on it.

4: A Ricky Gervais or Catherine Tate DVD

Now it's over to you....

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Spock And Lwaxana (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Lwaxana Troi

Spock and I are imprisoned on the Kalaran Grel outpost planet. We were supposed to be attending Kalara as Ambassadors to oversee the peace initiative between the two civil war sides. The Grel are one of the sides, and want to keep us here to ensure the Peace Talks fail.

"Keeping us here is an act of agression against the Federation" Spock tells them in his official status.

The Kalarans take no notice. We are stiuck in a jail cell with a force field to prevent us escaping.

"Sit down, Spock, lovey" I tell him seductively, "They have told us they will release us as soon as the Peace Talks collapse. There must be something we can do while we wait for that to happen."

"Unhand me, Ambassador." Spock tells me firmly, "It is essential that we escape soon. We cannot allow the Talks to fail."

"I suppose you're right." I admit, "You're such a party pooper."

Spock gets up and looks at the force field control.

"Fascinating. This is a very complex mechanism" he tells me, "It has a reverse-loop quadrophonic phase adaptor. This is more advanced than what we are used to in the Federation. I fear we will be stuck in the cell until it is too late."

I push him aside. "Let's see what I can do. Sometimes a little bit of common sense can work wonders.

I get a hairpin and stick it into the controls. There is a buzz and a flash.

The forcefield is down.

"Fascinating." comments Spock.

"Men!" I exclaim, "They are so useless!"

We run into the corridors and encounter some guards. Spock quickly goes into them and uses his Vulcan nerve pinch.

I suppose some men aren't so useless after all.

After consulting the maps on the wall to the Cargo Bay, we find ourselves there. It's handy to have these maps around, otherwise we'd probably be in the Kalaran restaurant.

Alarm bells are sounding all over the base.

"That is not for a Fire Drill." Spock informs me. Perhaps Vulcans do have a sense of humour after all?

We soon find a small shuttle and get to the controls. Spock starts it off.

"Have you flown one of these before?" I ask.

"I have not, Ambassador" he informs me calmly, "However, all ships are basically the same..."

The ship jerks backward, then forward. Then we take off, managing to bump into a small rock as we head towards the sky.

"A few teething troubles there." Spock comments drily.

"There are some Kalaran battlecruisers catching up with us!" I tell him with all the nervousness I'd have if Deanna was on her wedding day.

"That is unfortunate." Spock says. I must admit that his method of understating dangers is seriously reducing his chances in the marriage stakes. Besides that, our survival stakes are going downhill very quickly.

Suddenly we see some photon torpedoes hit the battlecruisers, so we are able to go on our way.

"The Enterprise is here." I see on the sensors.

A few minutes later, Jean-Luc welcomes us on the ship.

"Are you all right Ambassador Lwaxana and Spock?" he asks, "We'll take you to Kalara so that you don't miss the Peace Talks."

"Of course we are all right, Jean-Luc!" I exclaim, giving him a big kiss, "Although we would have escaped anyway. I had plenty of hairpins."

Spock raises his eyebrow in his customary way. "Fascinating."

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Spock And Lwaxana (Part Two)

The Kalaran authorities have just informed us that Ambassadors Spock and Lwaxana have not arrived at the planet for the peace talks between the two sides on their planet.

The two could have been kidnapped by the other side as to prevent the peace talks going on.

If so, the Enterprise will have to rescue them...and rescue Spock from the clutches of Lwaxana Troi. I noticed how the man-mad Betazoid was eyeing the Vulcan as a prospective husband.

I'm glad she's moved on from me!

Deanna comes up to me, looking distraught.

"Captain!" she exclaims, "Why aren't you doing more to find my mother? She could be suffering untold agonies at the hands of ruthless kidnappers."

More likely it's them that will be doing the suffering, if I know Lwaxana Troi. I turn to Deanna.

"Try to relax, Counselor." I tell her, "We are doing all we can, and will soon get to the point the Columbus was sighted.


We find the shuttle floating in mid-space, with no occupants.

"It appears another ship was here." Data informs us, "The particle emission drive leading away tells us that it comes from the Kalaran Grel side, whom we suspected."

"Can we follow the trial and catch up with the ship?" Riker asks.

"Affirmative, Commander."

"Then make it so."

I hate it when we have to talk in standard Starfleet text. I can barely understand what I'm saying when I do. I'd love to just say "Catch up with the aliens and give them what for." Sadly I'd be drummed out of Starfleet if I did.


We travel at Warp Nine (or very fast), and soon the particle emission drive trail becomes stronger.

"Captain." says an increasingly annoying Deanna, "If we are not careful, the kidnappers could see us and injure my mother!"

"Don't worry, Deanna." I try to tell her, as the Counselor is grabbing my shoulder, "The Kalaran Grel base is is small planet in this solar system. We will go in with a shuttle where that anomoly is. That should confuse their sensors."

That's just gibberish, of couse. What I really mean is, of course, is I hope they are not looking.

To be continued...

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Spock And Lwaxana (Part One)

Guest Poster: Lwaxana Troi

Well, I'll tell you that these ambassadorial meetings I have to go are so boring! Those people who I meet have about as much personality as a block of wood.

I'm hoping this one won't be so bad. I'm going with Ambassador Spock to the planet Kalara to help sort out the civil war problems they have had over the years. Their addition would be good for the Federation.

Ah, there is always something in it for us!

I know what you're thinking, lovies. Ambassador Spock isn't the sort of man with a bright and breezy personality. Well, I've checked into his past, and being only a half Vulcan, I'm sure he can become very friendly.

Who knows. A Vulcan and a Betazoid could be a good match.

There I am, thinking ahead of myself! Why do I see everybody as a potential husband for myself. I guess it's because I've been urging my daughter Deanna to tie the knot with Will.


Anyway, the Ambassador and I are going in the shuttle Columbus to Kalara. I have met him many times, of course. Oddly enough, he always seem to shy away.

Hold on, here he comes now. Don't tell him what we've been talking about. Promise?

"Greetings, Ambassador Lwanana." he says in that formal manner of his, "I'm sure together, we will be able to have some positive results on Kalara."

"I'm hoping for some before that." I say slyly.

"I do not understand, Ambassador Lwaxana." Spock tells me with a puzzled look.

"Don't worry about it, Spock, honey." I tell him, "Let's drop the calling each other 'Ambassador' routine. We've got a long flight ahead of us to Kalara"

I give him a big kiss, to which he responds with in a typical Vulcan style.

He doesn't do anything.


Several hours later, Spock is still just as he was. I thought a little Klingon bloodwine might help, but it doesn't help.

Am I losing my man-magnet touch, or have I just picked the wrong one here?

Suddenly we hear the sound of a noise behind us. Three armed aliens appear behind us.

"You are Ambassadors Lwaxana and Spock?" the lead one says, "You were going to Kalara to forge a piece initiative? We cannot allow that to happen. We see ourselves as the victors in the civil war. The other side must lose."

"We are here to help." Spock says as he walks up to one before knocking the Kalaran out with a Vulcan nerve clench.

Too late, though, Spock gets knocked out for his troubles and we get beamed off.

Somehow, I don't think this is going to end in the way I hoped for!

To be continued...

Saturday, December 15, 2007

TWQ: Film Of The Year 2007

For the TWQ (The Weekend Question), I'm asking you to think of the good films you've seen this year.

What do you estimate as being the best new film that you've seen this year? Add some runners-up if you wish.

My answers are:

The Lives Of Others (Das Leben Der Anderen) : This German made movie won best foreign language film at the Oscars, and is truly wonderful. About the East German Stasi who listen in to it's citizens. One of the best pieces of cinema there is, and highly recommended.

Runners up:

Elizabeth: The Golden Age: This excellent film, with Cate Blanchett reprising her role as Elizabeth I is excellent. She will be worthy of an oscar for it.

Pan's Labyrinth: This film was pipped for 'Best Foreign Language film' by 'The Lives Of Others'. A superb film set in World War Two that mixes reality and fantasy together to get a powerful combination.

1408: A super horror film, with good effects, about a man struggling to get out of his hotel room.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Unimatrix Zero Christmas Preparations

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

Well, after the fun I've had at the Enterprise Christmas Party, anything that happens here in Unimatrix Zero will seem an anti-climax.

I was surprised to be temporarily released from this subconcious realm that Borgs can inhabit if they possess the recessive gene. Dr Katelyn Shane Basil is a good friend, and I hope I can see her again in the future. What irony that she is the repressed alter-ego of Sky, who is the best friend of my other self, Seven of Nine! It looks like we have a bond in both our personalities with the same person.

Anyway, now the Party is over, and I'm back in Unimatrix Zero, where Christmas preparations are going on. The main tree in the jungle clearing is decorated with lights, and one of the nearby caves is being used as Santa's Grotto.

One of the Klingons who moved into the area recently has volunteered to play Santa, but we at the Women's Institute think they could be a little scary. After all, the chidren run away from them normally, and only go near the cave where they live as a dare at Halloween.

I'm baking my upside-down cake for the Unimatrix Zero Women's Institute Benefit Party. I'm hoping it will raise a lot of money, as my cake style is one of the most sought after.

There's one thing for sure; I won't be buying and Christmas presents for that deadbeat Axum this year.

Since I found he was having assignations with that Bajoran girl Vi Toran, I want nothing to do with him. Let Toran use her own Unimatrix Zero Credit Card to buy him presents.

"Hello, Annika." says a voice.

I turn around. It is Kollis, the Klingon who moved in next door.

"I hadn't seen you recently." he says.

"I went to a Christmas Party in the outside world." I tell him.

"How fascinating." replies Kollis, "You must tell me about it sometimes. I have a gift for you."

He hands me a small box, and asks me to open it now, rather than wait until the 25th.

I open it, and find it contains a bracelet and mistletoe.

"I noticed a lot of mistletoe at the Party I went to." I say, "Couples are encouraged to kiss beneath it. Thank you, Kollis."

"I knew about this tradition." he replies, "I hoped it would be useful here."

"Of course," I say, and step forward to kiss him, which I find very pleasant.

"Perhaps we can move into the same cave sometimes?" Kollis suggests.

Whew! Klingons are known to be forward, aren't they?

"I don't think so." I tell him firmly, "After what happened with Axum, I'm staying clear of men."

"Whatever you say." Kollis comments with a smile, "However, a Klingon warrior never gives up."

This looks like being a good Christmas here at Unimatrix Zero!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Party Aftermath

Why does my head feel like a hammer is striking it constantly?

I close down the Christmas Party on the Sands holodeck and stagger towards the Bridge in a dazed manner. All the drew are walking around in a state of semi-consiousness as if they are a group of zombies on the march.

I reach the turbolift and mumble where I wish to go. Hopefully Data is manning the ship while the crew are recovering from the Party.

"Please repeat." says the computer.

Struggling, I pick myself up from the floor and find a wall to hold on to.

"Take-me-to-the-Bridge." I say slowly and methodically.


The turbolift opens at the Bridge and I fall out on to the floor.

"Hello, Captain"

"Hello, Captain."

"Greetings, Locutus."

The trio of voices is not those I was expecting to hear, and I look up to see who they are.

In the Captain's chair is the Doctor in his Emergency Command Hologram setting; to his right, in the ship's com chair is Vic Fontaine, and in Riker's Chair is the Borg Queen, who is still wearing her blue paper hat from a Christmas cracker.

"Just what is going on?" I ask before I fall on the floor again, "Where is Lieutenant Commander Data?"

"I regret to inform you that Commander Data is not capable of functioning right now." the Doctor tells me, "He is currently undergoing recharging after the excess energy that was used during the Party."

"I know how he feels" I reply, "Right now, I am not capable of functioning, and require recharging as well."

"As a result." the Doctor continues snootily, "I took it upon myself to change to the Emergency Command Function so that I may run the ship."

"No matter that I am better at running the ship." interrupts the Borg Queen, "As the Queen in charge of Unimatrix 01, I have more experience at command than you do."

"You are a Borg." the Doctor tells her, "I am qualified to run a Starship when in this Mode.

"I would have assimilated you had you not been a hologram!" the Borg Queen says angrily.

They continue to argue.

"It's been like this since the three of us came on the Bridge, Captain." Vic Fontaine tells me, "Both think they are better at leadership."

"Not only that, Captain." the Doctor tells me, "I have had to hear Mr Fontaine singing away to himself, with tunes like 'Fly Me To The Moon' and 'I've Got You Under My Skin.' Well I can tell you, Mr Fontaine, you got under MY skin!"

"What about you, Doctor?" Vic retorts, "You've been singing pieces of opera all the time. It's worse than hearing nails scrape down a blackboard."

"I've had to listen to BOTH of them, Locutus." the Borg Queen tells me, "Which is more than anyone should endure."

"ALL RIGHT!!" I shout. My head was throbbing enough before, but now it is falling apart at the seams.

I motion the Doctor to move off the Captain's chair and then slump on it; then I turn to the Borg Queen.

"Thank you for helping to look after the ship." I tell her.

"My pleasure, Locutus." she says with a smile, "I look forward to seeing you at the Party next year, or when we assimilate you. Whichever comes first."

I'm not sure whether she was joking there. The Borg transporter beam takes her away.

"Take us to Starbase 4" I command, "Make it so."

That's the last thing I remember before falling asleep.


And now a meme!

Splotchy's Story Meme

I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (Splotchy)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.

I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIAm)

I half noticed at first glimpse that there was something odd amidst the solidified apple sauce as I reached for the broom and the dust pan. As I knelt down to clean up the frozen mess, I could clearly see a tiny figure within the goopy mess. It was a human eye, with tiny arms and legs! I resisted my initial urge to pick it up with my hand, and then reached down to scoop it up with the dustpan. The eye looked up at me in horror and gave out a frightening high pitched screech as it ran for the living room.

I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. I didn't even like applesauce - And I had guests coming for dinner! It would not be proper to have a homunculus eyeball running around during the appetizer - I had to think fast. I crept into the living room so as to not startle the small creature. The eyeball was under the coffee table, peeking out from behind one of table legs. When I approached, it quickly darted under the couch!

I got on my hands and knees to look under the couch, but I could not see the eye through all of the old newspapers and dust bunnies that had accumulated under there. I had to hurry! the guests were coming at seven o'clock, and I had not even started the buffalo chicken skewers with blue cheese dipping sauce yet! Not to mention the couscous and the broccoli noodle salad. (Zaius Nation)

I shook my head and leaned back against the wall. Surely this couldn’t be happening, surely there isn’t an anthropomorphic eyeball running around under my couch. It just couldn’t be real, could it?

“Ahem,” a little voice squeaked. “Ahem.”

I looked all around for the source of the voice. I finally found that it was from the eyeball peering around the back of the couch. I leaned in and looked at it closer. It still appeared to be uneasy (I mean, I’m sure that’s how it appeared, but then again I’m not all that certain about behavior patterns of walking eyeballs.

“Did you say something?” I asked it.

“You’re not going to poke me are you?” it asked. “I hate getting poked.”

“Uh no,” I answered dumbfounded. “I won’t poke you.”

“And you’re not going to lock me away in a jar of applesauce are you?”

“No, I’m not going to do that,” I replied, still bewildered by the sight in front of me.

“OK.” He made the eyeball equivalent of a nod, hitched up a pair of nonexistent trousers, adjusted the chimerical hat on his head, and walked up to me. “I am forever in debt to you, sir, for freeing me from the confines of that jar.”

“OK, sure,” I smiled lamely. “How’d you get in there?”

“The evil wizard trapped me in there,” he answered. “He knows the only way to trap a geneye is to use a jar of applesause.”

“You’re… you’re a geneye,” I managed to blurt out. I may not get the appetizers done, but this may be one heckuva party anyways.

“At you service,” it bowed. “And to thank you for freeing me, I would like to reward you with two wishes.”

“Oh, so you’re like a genie.” It all started to make sense to me now. No, not really.

“Yes,” it rolled its eye. “Like a genie, only we’re geneyes. They sure do know how to warp a good story in Hollywood, don’t they?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, again dumbfoundedly. “So I get two wishes? What about three?”

“Ugh!” the geneye slapped the top of its head, or the top of its eyeball at least. “You get two. Two. Only two. That’s how it works. And no wishing for more wishes, we’re onto that. Aladdin tried that once, it wasn’t pretty.”

“OK, so I get two, let me think,” I said thoughtfully. Screw the party, this is way more interesting.

“Yeah, hurry up, I don’t have all day,” the magical homunculus eyeball tapped it’s foot. “I’ve got places to go.”

“OK, OK,” I answered. Well, I could always wish for a lot of money, except that never works in the stories. The villain always wishes for riches and gets trapped in the cave with the gold, or sent to the bottom of the sea with it or audited by the IRS because of it. As much as I’d like to pay off the mortgage, I don’t think I can.

“Well?” it asked impatiently.

“I want peace on Earth and good will toward men,” I say with a forfeiting shrug.

“Peace on Earth and good will toward men?” it repeated. “Is that one wish or two?”

“One,” I replied. “You know, ‘tis the season and all.”

“Nice choice,” it nodded. Then the geneye snapped its fingers. “It is done.”

I felt it. For one moment, I felt nothing but peace and joy all around me. Others felt it, too but no one would ever be able to explain it. All around the world, people stopped what they were doing and just enjoyed the moment. Evil men stopped thinking evil thoughts and just smiled nicely. The hurt, the sick, and all who were in pain be it physical, mental, or spiritual, felt the warmth of a brief reprieve. Bells rang. Angels sang. Then I felt it end.

“Hey, that was nice,” I said. “Why didn’t it last?”

“Come on,” the magical being snorted. “I’m not that powerful. You got one more wish.”

One more wish. What should I wish for? Hmmm. (Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator )

"How about 'as many wishes as I'd like?"

"Hey! That's cheating." the Eye said, "It's not allowed in the Geneye Code Of Conduct. It's one wish only, and that's your lot."

"How about 'trying to understand the opposite sex?'" I suggested.

"Too tough" it replied, "No being is as capable of such an undertaking."

I sighed and thought. This was going to be harder than I imagined. I wanted this wish to be a good one that was value for money.

Suddenly I thought about it. Friendship.

"How about friendship?"

"It's possible." said the Eye.

"Would it last a long time?"

"Oh, sure." the Eye replied, "It's not like that peace and goodwill one where it applies to all. A wish like that means you'd always have good friends."

"That sounds great." I said, "I'll select as my other wish to always have friends, and no enemies,"

"Fair enough" and the Eye clapped his fingers.

Suddenly the telephone started ringing.... Captain Picard

This is an installment of Splotchy's Story Meme. According to Splotchy, "Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out." You can read all of the details here

The following people may wish to try it themselves: you are under no obligation.
Serina Hope
Titania Starlight

Sunday, December 09, 2007

Enterprise Christmas Party (Belated Entries)

As the Christmas Party is winding to a close, and everybody is so shattered, they look like zombies on the loose, or competitors in a year-long dance marathon, we get TWO belated viewpoints.

Firstly, from Lahdeedah


Very very late. I'm so very late for the Enterprise Christmas Party, and I've GOT to be there this year, I just have to.

This year, I've got a mission.

I'm having a hard time getting a job here in the 21st Century.

So Plan B.

I'm going to get a job in the 24th Century.

From what I understand, you don't really need to work, you just work for well, pleasure. I'm not quite sure I am up on the concept of 'work' for pleasure, but who knows?

So I know it's going to be on the holodeck, and I've got an understated, 'I'm a good 24th century worker' outfit. Well, I'm not really going to 'work' in the 24th century, but there is something there that can help me get a job here...

And I'm smashing in my dress. I love this time period, and picking out the dress was the best part of my week!

Unfortunately, it's the same color most of the women seem to be donning: stellar red. Great. But it's okay, I am stunning in red. Short, because I can't wear heels more than 1 ½ inches high, but stunning. To go along with my Stunning Stellar Red dress is my nifty party-portfolio… a briefcase disguised as a purse. It's very small, as it only contains lipstick, a small thing of mace, one never knows, and key to my plan, my small key drive, containing my resume and cover letter. I take a deep breath. I can do this.

I arrive at the Enterprise and avoid the congregation of Stellar Red Dresses over in the corner. A bunch of woman gushing over each other's taste in color is always fun, but I need a job. And a martini. I head over to the bar and ask for one, relieved that in the 24th century everything is free. I'll need the martini, for the first part of my plan is quite daring.

I order another. It's quite, quite daring.

I see her, down the martini, gag, martinis are not meant to be guzzled, sidle off the bar stool and head toward Seven.

"Ah, Seven. A Borg."

"Observant" she says. "Your skills may come in handy when we assimilate you."

Was that sarcasm? I wonder, but can't be sure. I brush it off. This is vital to my employment plan.

"Well, actually that's what I want to talk to you about. Assimilation. I am wondering perhaps, if the reason you find it so er, uh, difficult to assimilate humanity is we are, er have been, partially assimilated by our own ahhhmm, doing."

She looks down at me. "This is most interesting. I have not heard of humans already being partially assimilated."

"Well, it's really just a theory. I mean, here, see…" I rummage in my Stellar Red Purse for my key drive. "Here, if you ah, um, just assimilate this, you'll see."

She stares at the key drive, and I smile uncomfortably. I give her my best, "I'm a harmless skinny kook" look, the one that worked best when I was 15 pounds lighter.

It still works. She takes the key drive and sticks it into some weird mechanical type cybernetic appendage.

"This is very interesting human," she says. "What is the purpose of these redundant words, and why this senseless formatting?"

"Oh, those are what we call 'key words.' They come up in the databases of employers searching for people to interview. If you use the right combination of key words and formatting, you will get an interview."

"I see, but yours is flawed. Your key words are not optimal, but what does this have to do with assimilation?"

"Well, see, in my century, it is our, um, hm, duty, you could say, to wake up and go to our 'cubes' just like your 'cube' only our cubes don't travel through space. Actually, most of our cubes resemble your larger cube, but not as optimal. Our cubes exist enclosed in tall buildings, well the better ones, anyhow, and we don't have to stay there all the time, but the time we do spend there, it is, ah, well, very B'orgish, you could say. We work as unappreciated individuals and are told continuously to be a functioning cohesive unit. The good ones, who've lost their individuality, do well in their cubes. The others, they require more time in the cubes. The goal of Employers, quite similar to your Borg Queen, is to assimilate all employees to the point where they no longer go home for anything other than sleep."

"That is a start toward assimilation, but as it is humans who conceived of the notion, clearly, it is flawed. You are not one. You are not Borg. You are not part of the collective. If it is your wish to truly know what it is to be in the collective, I would be willing to assimilate you. I admire the purity and simplicity of your thought."

"Ah, um, you know, I really would love to, but my true goal is to help others pave the way for human assimilation on our own terms. Really, I need optimal keywords and formatting to show the Employers how assimilatable I am."

"Hm. A noble cause, a fault most humans are prey to. But I will help you, as it will only take .033 seconds for me to do this."

Seven closed her eyes for, oh, about .33 seconds, and hands me the key drive.

"Here, human, Employers will not ignore you now. You will be assimilated to the best of the 21st centuries paltry abilities."

"Thank you, Seven, thank you."

I am positively giddy now. With Seven's rewriting my resume, I should be a member of some Dull Corporation, receiving a dully earned but much desired paycheck.

I've only been here for 30 minutes and my plan has been accomplished!

I go back to the bar and ask for another Martini and scan the holodeck for some cuties in uniform. I ignore Capt. Picard, while we often converse, I feel I am not quite up to his normal snuff. There's Worf, but remembering last year's party... yeesh.

Ah, the heck-n-crap with it all. I finish my martini and give off a nice flirty laugh and find Data. If I tell him I can't dance, he'd be more than happy to show me how!

And, with my killer-get-hired resume in my keydrive, I can't wait to dance in my Stellar Red Dress!


And now, the definate last Party entry of the year is from the SF Girl herself, Nina Munteanu, who you can find more about here , and has been touring Canada promoting her latest novel Darwin's Paradox

Harry, my 1.5 metre high robot, and I hastened down the long corridor, eyes darting to the signs directing us to the Christmas Party on the Holodeck. We were very late. When we reached the main door, I straightened, drew in a long breath and wiped some invisible dust off Harry's shiny bald head. As I nervously adjusted the rather low décolletage of my slinky black gown, Harry quipped, "How do I look?"

I gave Harry a hasty appraisal as his round green eyes peered up at me like giant neon lights. "You look fine," I assured him. Then I added in a voice edged with plea, "Promise you'll behave."
He was sliding his metal hands over his sleek head as though it had been slicked back with hair cream. What a rake he was! Harry had made a pass at every single female who'd visited my sentient ship. He looked like he was gearing up for more conquests. I sighed. The circum-popo-stabilizer hadn't worked and I wondered what foolish cell in my brain had compelled me to bring him along. I then hastily reminded myself that I'd built him like that—so he could enjoy life too.

My gaze drifted down to the wrapped present for Jean-Luc clutched in my hand and I felt a crooked smile slide across my lips. I was hoping for more Picard wine…I had only one bottle left from the time he'd visited my ship.

Inspired with thoughts of wine, I wrenched the door open.

We were greeted with the booming voice of a 20th Century crooner singing "White Christmas" mingled with an alluring cocktail of desultory conversation, laughter, the velvet sparkles of the Sands Hotel, and the scent of pine and spilled Traglet wine.

It was obvious that the party had been in full swing for some time and had settled into that mellow place where everyone—at least the older crowd—was basking in the haze of traglet wine euphoria.

"Hello," an even tenor voice to my right startled me.

I turned and recognized Data, the ship's android.

"Hello," I returned. "I'm SF Girl. You're Data, right?"

"Yes." After offering me a tight grimace, which I took to be his best effort at a polite smile, Data turned with curious interest to Harry. "You are a model X9-B utility bot made by Zeta Industries, aren't you?"

"I am not!" Harry said in a strident tinny voice. "I am an organic-mechanoid of unique character." He pointed to me. " She made me!"

"Oh!" Data looked suddenly impressed with me. I smiled, suddenly self-conscious. Harry was right; he was unique. I'd built him five years ago from a dream I'd had.

"You have a positronic brain, don't you?" Harry asked Data.

"Yes, I have ten trillion connections, which fire in synchronous waves of autopoietic replicatory—"

"Have you ever played the game Texas Holdem?" Harry cut him off.

Data looked a little pleased with himself I thought. "Well…I have been known to play a few good hands…"

"Shall we?..."


And without a second glance at me, the two sauntered off into the crowd.

I smiled. This might distract my little robot from more mischievous pursuits, I thought as I wandered into the crowd, looking for my host. My sweeping gaze caught sight of Guinan at the bar, dispensing drinks to two very drunk Borgs. I stared for a moment at the strange centre-piece of the Enterprise…It was made entirely of oranges! As Guinian placated the Borgs with a lively story, Guinan served a very happy mother and daughter. The girl eagerly asked for more of Guinan's atrocious vol-au-vonts, meantime secretly handing them to the feline pet next to her. It didn't seem to mind the fact that Guinan's vol-au-vonts tasted like a dead traglet.

As I tracked my gaze further afield, my attention was caught by a small clutch of youths in the far corner beside a huge Christmas tree. The night had just begun for them; ignoring the now annoying chanteur dressed in a tight Santa Claus suit still crooning out "White Christmas", they had formed a circle around two break-dancers. The dancers slid and twirled with beyond-human flexibility to a hypnotic staccato beat that wailed out of Wesley Crusher's boom box.

Not to be outdone by these upstart youths, Commander Worf pushed his way into the ring and demonstrated his prowess at dancing like a madman. And to give him credit, Worf performed some incredible gymnastic feats, though they more resembled a martial art form. The crowd nevertheless cheered him on. Within a few heartbeats, Commander Riker shoved his way into the ring even as Deanna Troy tried to pull him back. Worf nodded respectfully and let Riker take the stage. He proceeded to step out a few ambitious moves and just as I was beginning to reassess his abilities, Riker slid down into a dangerous bolero move and froze in mid-slide with a tight wince and then an awful grimace. Deanna lunged in to his rescue and urged him to limp off the floor. I silently laughed and continued to look for my host.

I spotted Harry and Data, huddled with intense deliberation over a small table, holding cards. Data had donned his poker vizor and looked…well…serious. They were thick at the card game and attracting a crowd of avid gamblers, among whom I recognized Batman, Wonder Woman and Lois Lane. Several alien girls were fawning over Harry already and I guessed that bets were flying.

Just behind them I spotted Ensign Britney and T'Pol ruthlessly teasing some young Romulan men. Britney must have said something terribly rude because one of the Romulans puckered up his face in a rage and swung hard at her. He never connected. T'Pol floored him in a blur of her fist. As he fell, she caught the drink from his limp hand. "No sense in wasting a good drink," she said then high-fived Britney.

"Sistah, T'Pol!" Britney shrieked with glee. "We are so making this party!"

I finally spotted the Captain standing by the pastry table. A Santa Claus hat sat rakishly on his head as he beamed at nothing particular. He was leaning dangerously against Doctor Crusher, resplendent in a red wool strapless dress. I'd never seen Jean-Luc drunk before but I think he was close—if not from liquor so much as the lady of his heart who didn't seem to mind that he was using her bare shoulder as a pillow. No need for those stress pills, eh, Jean-Luc…

I was about to stride toward them and greet my host, when the singer, Vic Fontaine, finally turned in my direction and I could see his face—

I couldn't believe it! I was looking directly at the man who'd ruined my life!...Okay, okay…just being a little dramatic. But he DID cheat me!

Fontaine caught site of me at exactly the same moment and I saw his expression drop. I wasn't surprised; I was the only person who knew his secret. Vic Fontaine was really Vic Travolta, the dance sensation of LB-59 in the Fomalhaut system; a planet that specialized in the coolest organic technology that I coveted. Vic was also the man who had deserted me and left me with a thousand universal credit bill for NOTHING five years ago. Considering he was a hologram, that had been no mean feat. He and I had been partners in a dance competition and we'd just won first prize…

Before I had a chance to grab Harry and scram out of there, Vic called a break and came beside me.

"Howdy, doll!" he said, taking my hand. "Long time no see. Why did you run out on me five years ago in the Club Zazi?"

"But you're the one…I-I—" I stuttered out, not sure what to say. Just as Vic and I were about to receive our prize money for coming in first, LB-59 police charged the club. Holograms were against the law, they said. They were going to dismantle him so Vic panicked and ran, leaving me with the entrance fee bill for a thousand credits and a stupid jail term in his stead. The shmuck! I spent two days in solitary confinement, drugged under some kind of interrogation. I actually can't remember it, thank goodness.

Vic took my other hand and held both of them tight. I noticed that the Captain and most of his crew had closed in on us.

"I asked Jean-Luc to invite you. So I could explain…When you were being 'interrogated' you were secretly receiving technical information in a dream that permitted you to build Vinny your ship and Harry over there." He pointed to my cheerful robot, schooling Data at poker. "That's what you really paid for!" Then he added as a smile of understanding slowly crept across my face, "Happy Christmas!"


With that, the Enterprise Christmas Party for this year really does draw to a close. Thank you so, so much to all the entrants who have submitted. It wouldn't be the same without you! The variety and quality in your submissions was outstanding.

To those, and to all my readers, I wish you a Happy Christmas.


Saturday, December 08, 2007

TWQ: Made Up Sentence

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) has a little fun with making up a nonsense sentence!

Follow the instructions below and print the answer in the comment box.

Pick the month you were born:

January------I kicked
February-----I loved
March---------I karate chopped
April-----------I licked
May-----------I jumped on
June----------I smelled
July-----------I did the Macarena With (I wanted to do the cha cha cha)
August-------I had lunch with
September---I danced with
October------I sang to
November----I yelled at
December----I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath
2-------a monster
3-------a phone
4-------a fork
5-------a snowman
6-------a gangster
7-------my mobile phone
8-------my dog
9-------my best friends' boyfriend
10-----my neighbor
11-------my science teacher
12-------a banana
13-------a fireman
14-------a stuffed animal
15-------a goat
16-------a pickle
17-------your mom
18------ -a spoon
19------ a smurf
20-------a baseball bat
21-------a ninja
22-------Chuck Norris
23-------a noodle
24-------a squirrel
25-------a football player
26-------my sister
27-------my brother
28-------an iPod
29-------a surfer
30-------a llama
31-------A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt/blouse you are wearing:

White--------because I'm cool like that
Black---------because that's how I roll.
Pink----------because I'm NOT crazy.
Blue----------because the voices told me to...
Red----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want.
Green---------because I think I need some serious help.
Purple--------because I'm AWESOME!
Gray----------because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow-----because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange-------because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown--------because I can.
Other---------because I'm a Ninja!
None----------because I can't control myself.

Now type out the sentence you made, in the subject line


Author's Note:

Two late Enterprise Christmas Party entries will be appearing in the next post!

Friday, December 07, 2007

Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Five)

The Fifth and final day is about to start. Everybody is starting to look a little weary after all this partying.

Which guests haven't we spotted yet?

One who is very eye-catching is Vampirella

It's A Wonderful Xmas Enterprise

An invitation Materialized...

"It is for Captain Picard's Christmas Party.." I tell Mirai...

"Do you want to go?" He asks and I nodded...


Do you really think I would miss it... Especially this one... I love Vic Fontaine and his music... I could listen to him sing forever...

Every year I bring a gift... This year I just bought Xmas Orchid corsages for the Ladies and xmas boutonnières for the men

After I gave the crew their gifts and we were escorted to the Sands Nightclub... I took Mirai by the hand and danced...

"Hello Guys and Dolls... and Merry Christmas... so do we have any requests tonight..." He gestures to the crowd... Since no one is speaking up, I do.

"Winter Wonderland" I ask.

Sleigh bells ring, are you listening,
in the lane, snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
we're happy tonight,
walking in a winter wonderland.

Gone away is the bluebird,
here to stay is a new bird
He sings a love song,
as we go along,
walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
Then pretend that he is Parson Brown
He'll say: Are you married?
we'll say: No man,
But you can do the job
when you're in town.

Later on, we'll conspire,
as we dream by the fire
To face unafraid,
the plans that we've made,
walking in a winter wonderland.

In the meadow we can build a snowman,
and pretend that he's a circus clown
We'll have lots of fun with mister snowman,
until the other kids knock him down.

When it snows, ain't it thrilling,
Though your nose gets a chilling
We'll frolic and play, the Eskimo way,
walking in a winter wonderland.

Walking in a winter wonderland,
walking in a winter wonderland.

After several wonderful songs we stop to say hello and have some Bloodwine... (actual blood wine not the Klingon stuff)

Bev and Jean-Luc walk up... "Vampi, we have a special gift for you."

I blush, "Oh you didn't have too.." As I open the flat present, the Captain waves Vic to come over...

"Oh My it's a Vic Fontaine CD..." I blush again

"I hear you really dig my sound." Vic says and then with a wink offers to sign my CD...

After he returns my CD signed he looks at my husband and points to his purple hair, "Crazy man."

Then Vic returns to sing and I and Mirai go back to dancing...

I look over to my son dancing with his girlfriend and my daughter dancing and having fun with Vic... "Glad we brought the kids?" Mirai asks...

"Yes Christmas is about sharing and being together... It is about family, at least it is for me.." I say...

I dance with the Captain for a dance while Mirai dances one with Bev during which I took the opportunity to ask Jean-Luc, "Why is Worf dress like an elf?"

I asked Vic for a nice slow song and I pulled my husband close. Mirai and I looked up at the sound of bells and magically mistletoe appeared...

"Didn't this happen last year?" I ask and he nodded and pointed.. Sure enough there was Novy shaking her hi-ni and saying...

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

Mirai and I kissed and continued to dance...


Curmudgeon has been circulating....

I was pleased, at first, to receive the Captain’s invitation to the Enterprise Christmas Party (I’d had such a good time last year, even with the Borg waitstaff), but my initial elation quickly subsided when I noticed that this year’s party would be conducted in the Holodeck.

Although I am Captain Picard’s guest, and have my own assigned quarters, I am somehow able to move back and forth readily between the ship and 21st Century Chicago. I am not certain how this works; I am simply grateful that it does work.

It has, in fact, been my observation that most 24th Century technology works very well indeed, with hardly ever a malfunction. The Holodeck, however, does not conform to this pattern. I’ve never been inside before – the Holodeck is for crew recreation and training – but I’ve been on board the ship when it’s gone berserk: Red Alert is sounded and I have to run back to my quarters and hide under the bunk until the klaxons stop. I’ve researched it in the ship’s computer, but I can’t find proof that the Holodeck is made by some corporate successor to Microsoft. This, however, remains my suspicion.

I ran into Commander LaForge soon after I received the invite and I tried to explain my concerns to him. Unfortunately, the conversation didn’t go too well. I tried to be nonchalant about it. “So, Geordi,” I said, “I hear the Christmas Party will be in the Holodeck this year.”

“Yes,” he said, “isn’t it exciting? Trisha – Ensign Lewis – is replicating a ‘little black dress’ for the occasion and I’m to wear a tuxedo. I think in the 20th Century it was sometimes called a ‘monkey suit’ and sometimes a ‘penguin suit,’ isn’t that right, Curmudgeon?”

As I started to confirm that, Commander Data, who was walking in the corridor with LaForge, interrupted. “I am quite sure that even in the 20th Century it was well understood that there was only the most tenuous taxonomic connection between monkeys and penguins; therefore, I fail to see why such very different appellations were applied to that particular garment, although –” He broke off in mid-sentence when Geordi turned and glared at him. I can’t explain how I knew he was glaring behind that visor of his, but I could tell. So could Data. “Sorry,” he said.

“I’m sorry, gentlemen,” I tried again, “I know you’re both very busy. It’s just, well, Commander LaForge, surely you’ve noticed that there are problems sometimes with the Holodeck – I was thinking, could I make a contribution to the Engineering Department coffee fund so that you could put an extra crewman or two on a thorough check –?”

I stopped in mid-sentence, too, because LaForge was now glaring at me. “Curmudgeon,” he said, rather brusquely, “we don’t use money in the 24th Century and we don’t need ‘incentives’ to do the best job possible.” He paused then, and his aspect softened just a bit; perhaps he realized that the service record of the Holodeck has been less than exemplary. “Maybe,” he conceded, “it wouldn’t hurt to have someone do an additional diagnostic. I’ll get Barclay to do it – yes, thank you for the suggestion, Curmudgeon.”

With that dismissal, LaForge and Data continued on. I remained behind wondering if I hadn’t made a bad situation even worse: Barclay!

Rumor had it that Ensign Britney and Mirror T’Pol and some Starfleet big-shot, Ted Albright, were going to be steered to a separate “VIP Lounge” for the duration of the real party – the “lounge” being a cell in the Brig redecorated for the occasion – and I seriously considered going there instead. But only for a little while. I grew up listening to singers like Bobby Darin – his recording of “Mack the Knife” was on every jukebox in any decent saloon – and this Vic Fontaine fellow – well, if he’s not the spitting image of Bobby Darin, he could be his brother. I really did want to see him live and in person – or at least as live and in person as one can be if one is a self-aware hologram.

I got my tux out of mothballs.

The doors to the Holodeck were wide open when I rounded the corner. I almost bumped into Empress Bee. “They’ll have chocolate here, won’t they, Curmy?” she asked. “If Troi had anything to do with the menu planning they will,” I assured her. Then I had a question. “Do you think they’ll keep these doors open all night?” That would make me feel better, I thought, as I stepped through the doorway.

The Sands was magnificent. The band was swinging, but not overpowering. I didn’t see any actual gaming tables, but it sure seemed as if someone must be losing their nest egg in the room next door to this lounge. And surely Frank and Dino and Sammy and Peter Lawford and Joey Bishop would stop by before long. Guinan was tending bar.

“Merry Christmas, Guinan,” I said, as I ordered my vodka on the rocks. “Has the Captain arrived yet?” She indicated a table across the way where a manageable line of guests had queued up to pay their respects to the Captain and Dr. Crusher. I took my drink intending to join the line. But I wondered if Guinan knew: “Do you know if they’re planning to keep those doors open all night, Guinan?” Guinan just shrugged enigmatically. She does that a lot, I’ve noticed. So I took my leave, making sure, as I crossed the room, that the doors were still open.

That’s how I almost spilled my drink on Ellee Seymour. I apologized for not watching where I was going. She introduced me to one of her sons – he has aspirations of making it in show business, she reminded me, and she thought this would be a good experience for him. I wished them both a Merry Christmas – which I quickly amended to Happy Christmas – because I understand the English prefer that.

I didn’t sneak another glance at the doorway until I was safely in line. Lois Lane was in front of me, chatting with Ladeedah. Jadzia Dax and Worf got in line behind me. I greeted them all, sipping my drink and feeling my tension subside a bit with each sip. My progress toward relaxation was slowed somewhat by Worf’s response to my Christmas greeting: “It is a good day to die,” he growled. But then, I rationalized, he always says that.

I finally got to the front of the line. Dr. Crusher favored me with a peck on the cheek and I blushed. Picard shook my hand. “Thank you for coming,” he said. “Thank you for inviting me,” I said and then – well, I was about to thank him for leaving the doors to the Holodeck open – when, from the corner of my eye, I saw the doors close. And everyone saw the lights flicker.

I started looking for somewhere to hide.


Here that well known space traveller and Presidential Candidate, Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator

My wife and I rocketed into warp and fired through time towards the Enterprise Christmas party. The trip was uneventful (as warping through space and time typically is), but my wife, who is unaccustomed to such journeys was very impressed.

“Oooh, the colors,” she said as she looked out the window. “I haven’t seen anything like this since college.”

I chuckled at her comment as we dropped out of warp and aimed for the shuttle bay of the starship. After the ramp of the Danger Sled clanged to the deck, we exited my space plane and were immediately met by the scowling face of Lt. Worf.

“Welcome to the Enterprise,” the security chief growled. “Please follow me to the party but I must warn you about getting into any altercations like last year. Don’t do it.”

“Altercations?” Patricia looked at me. “You were in an altercation?”

“Hudson,” I explained.

“Oh,” she nodded understandingly.

“Don’t worry, Lieutenant,” I said. “I left the troublemaker behind. I give you my word as an Intergalactic Gladiator that I will not cause any trouble on board your ship.”

Worf seemed unconvinced.

“Don’t worry,” my wife said. “If he causes any trouble, he’ll have to answer to me.”

“Very well,” the Klingon cracked a slight grin as he ushered us into the holodeck. “Enjoy the festivities.”

Patricia’s jaw dropped as she looked around the place.

“Wow, it looks just like a casino in here,” she said. “And this is all holograms?”


“How do people keep from bumping into each other if the room isn’t as big as it looks?”

“I have no idea,” I said. Then something caught my eye. It appeared to be a brain floating in a jar of some kind of liquid. Lt. Commander Data was standing next to it and seemed to be talking to it as well.

A woman dressed like a 20’s-style gangster with a slightly bored look on her face was standing next to the two.

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, nice to meet you,” Commander Riker pumped my hand excitedly. “And who is the good looking mol you got here?”

“Commander Riker, this is my wife Patricia. Patricia, this is Commander Riker.”

They shook hands and exchanged greetings before Riker turned back to me. “Jon, I have to warn you. Have a good time, but don’t start anything with any of the other guests.”

“It’s OK,” I explained. “I left Hudson at home.”

“Oh, OK,” Riker grinned. “By all means, enjoy the party.”

“One thing,” I said. “Can you tell me what that brain in a jar is over there? Is it some kind of Klingon war trophy or something?”

“Not quite,” Riker laughed. “That brain is Dr. Nemonok. He’s from your time and is apparently the galaxy’s greatest psychiatrist. Or was, I’m not sure. The woman with him is related to of one of our crew members.”

“Distant relative, I bet,” I laughed back. Something’s not right here. “Why are they looking at me like that? At least she is, I can’t quite tell what that brain’s doing.”

“Jon, don’t start anything,” Patricia warned. “We haven’t even had a chance to dance yet.”

“Hey don’t worry,” I gave her my best roguish grin. “I won’t. It’s Christmas.”

I strapped on my friendliest smile as I walked towards the unusual duo. If I could make a guess, I would say that the brain was agitated about something. They appeared to be conversing and the woman was talking to him quietly through her teeth.

“Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” I said as amiably as possible. “I noticed you two from over there. Do I know you?”

“Please, I am sure that you know of me,” the brain replied with just a hint of disdain. “I am Dr. Nemonok.”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” I shook my head. Then the significance of his name dawned on me. “Normally, I don’t forget a face. Uh, no offense.”

“None taken, of course,” he replied. Wow, if a brain could sneer I’d be looking at it right now. “I am sure we never met before, but as your reputation precedes you, I was certain that mine preceded me.”

“Right,” I said. He’s definitely with Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord. I have to play this cool, though. “Oh yeah sure, I know you. You’re a psychiatrist, right? Didn’t you lose your license?”

“Yes of course. It was taken away from me,” Nemonok replied, endeavoring to contain his tension. “You know how these government bodies are. All red tape, heh heh.”

“Tell me about it,” I chuckled back as disarmingly as possible. “Hey, you’re on that Who Wants to be a Supervillain show too, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am on that show,” he answered cautiously.

“Ha ha, I love that show! You guys are too much,” I laughed. “Well, I have to get going, if I don’t dance with my wife, she’ll skin me alive.”


With the Party now is

When I got the communiqué from Captain Picard for this year's Christmas Party I started making all sorts of grand plans. After all, the last two years had been very good to me. and I could hardly wait to see what was in store for this year. Little did I know that circumstances here on Earth would change my point of view about Christmas this year . . . I'm afraid that I arrived in a bit of a bitter mood but Captain Picard, dear soul that he is, had a bit of a surprise in store for me.


"What do you mean you're not going?"

I couldn't believe my ears. The man I had been seeing had just told me that not only was he not going to the Enterprise Christmas Party with me, a first since I had never invited anyone to go with me before, but that he had been seeing someone else other than me and had decided that he was going to continue seeing her – and not me. He had been the first guy I'd dated in a long time. What I fool I'd been to open myself up. GAH!

"I'm sorry for not being forthcoming with you but I wanted to keep my options open until I was sure. " The little weasel had the temerity to look uncomfortable as he was gauging me for a reaction. He had better be wary.

"So in other words you're telling me that you decided you weren't sure about me . . . you lied to me. "

"I wouldn't call it lying, I just . . . didn't tell you. "

I arched my left eyebrow and looked down my nose at him. Anyone who knew me knew that two things I really hated were lying and cheating and here was someone who had done both. "You lied by omission. You never told me that this was some sort of competition for your affections " I spat out. "Well, she can have you because I no longer want you. Get. Out. Now."

I sighed. I had just lied to myself there. Of course I still wanted him. We had been great together and all of our mutual friends thought we were the perfect couple. I just didn't get it.

"I don't want to hurt you – "

"Too late for that", I spat out. "No, be honest, it's not that you didn't want to hurt me, it's that you just didn't want me. GET. OUT. NOW!" My blood was starting to boil. Nobody knew the dark me inside that I kept under strict lock and key but he was coming dangerously close to finding out. I reached for the side pocket in my camo pants. He picked the wrong day to tell me that he was choosing someone else. Someone I didn't even know I had been sharing this man with.

I had practiced with my throwing knives earlier in the day and was about to use him as a target. Something in my voice, or maybe my face, made him think better of sticking around and trying to explain more. All that would have served to do was put more fuel on the fire.

"You're a great girl, really awesome, wonderful . . . I . . . I'm sorry. "


As he hurried out the door I hurled a blade in his direction and it hit the door frame where his head had just been. He looked back at me with a white face and gulped as he realized just how serious I was.

Sometimes with these oblivious military men, you have to do something extreme to make a point and I hoped I had made mine that I wasn't someone to mess with. I sank down to the sofa cushions as the door closed and put my face in my hands. Four months I had wasted on that sorry sack of . . . well, no matter. Thanks to him my party mood was ruined but I couldn't let my dear Captain Picard down.

Somehow, I didn't think this year's party would be quite as fun as the previous years. *SIGH*


As I exited the transporter, I was escorted by one of the red-shirts, you know, the expendable crew, to the Sands night club. In keeping with the theme of the Sands, I decided to wear a short, tight, black patent leather dress with black, knee-high go-go boots. Though I felt dangerous, almost Emma Peel-ish, my hair and makeup was more of the Audrey Hepburn "Breakfast At Tiffany's" style. The dangerous feeling was a fun feeling for once and my adrenaline was exceptionally high. Anything could happen tonight.

"Nic, there you are. I was afraid you weren't going to make it after hearing what happened to you. "

I turned in the direction of the booming voice that came from my lovely friend. Picard was there with Bev, who looked resplendent in a revealing red wraparound dress with a rose.

"Now Captain, you know I wouldn't miss the party come hell, high water or jerks. " I gave the Captain a huge hug, glad to see him again. He had always been one of my biggest supporters, encouragers and dearest friends. It might seem out of character for him to some but then again, I always knew a different side to him.

Beverly came forward and wrapped me in a strong, prolonged hug, which greatly surprised me. "After all you did to calm the melee from last year's party, we are so glad that you showed up. Chin up, dear. Never let them see you cry. "

"Who me?" I laughed at that one. "I don't cry. I don't allow myself to cry. "

Beverly flashed a look of concern to Picard that I pretended not to notice.

"Yes, well, come in, let's get you some refreshments. After your trip from Earth, you must be thirsty. Italian Margarita, if memory serves me correctly." Captain Picard started to guide me toward the bar.

"Actually, I'm in the mood for some dirty house tequila shooters tonight. " Thinking about being solo, yet again, I needed something strong to keep the bad girl inside of me under control.

"Er, um, sure thing Nic. Right this way. "

As I got to the bar I saw my old bartender friend Isaac again. He already had some shooters rimmed with salt and some sliced limes lined up for me.

"How did – ?"

"Heeeyyyyyy! Yeah, they gave me a special implant for tonight that allows me to pick up people drink requests automatically. "

Hmmmm, I wonder if it would work for other things.

One tequila, two tequila, three, tequila . . . floor

Ok, well, not floor, but my mood was steadily improving through the haze of the tart tequila and limes though I still felt dangerous. I turned to look around and saw for the first time the opulence of the Sands.

Vic Fontaine was singing the classic Christmas standard, "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree " and speaking of the tree . . . it stood at a massive 15 feet tall at least and was done in the white plastic branches that were actually popular in the 60's. The ornaments were old style balls and the little bubble lights and tinsel hung from everywhere. Presents were piled high all around and it seemed that there was one for everyone in attendance. I was curious to see what Picard would have for me.

Guinan had a massive feast set up that reminded me of that once scene in the movie, "A Christmas Carol " where the Ghost of Christmas Present is sitting next to a table laden to the ceiling with food. It was going to be some good eats for everyone tonight.

The later it got, the louder the people and the music got and I needed some more tequila to deal with the hullabaloo. I mingled with the crew. Chatted with Deanna and Will. Believe it or not, I think Will lost a few pounds from last year. I mentioned it to Deanna.


"What? Really? " That wasn't something one heard every day.

"Oh yeah. He's a little vain, as you know, and he can't keep away from the donuts so he needs a little help to keep up the façade of being in shape. It's a real pain to tighten it. I barely have the strength to keep the girth contained." She sighed and looked over at Worf. I felt a little uncomfortable as her eyes virtually undressed him from across the room, so I left and walked over to the tree again to see if I could find my present.

I was mesmerized once again by the soft glow of the lights. What would have been horribly tacky in some other place was beautiful here at the Sands. Some of the kids had gathered around the tree and it made me wistful for my own daughter who was staying with my mom tonight so that I could be here. She would really have loved this. My eyes started to get misty and the lights on the tree sparkled even brighter under the tears. I furiously fanned my eyes to get them to disappear. I. Don't. Cry.


Without blinking I whipped around and whoever had slapped my rear end hard was on the ground faster than one could say, "Jack Sprat"; the knife I had slipped from my boot against their neck.

"I. Hate. My. Rear. Being. Smacked." I forced the words through my gritted teeth.

"Hey, back off! I can do what I want because it's Britney, bi– "

I cuffed her temple hard and knocked her out. "That's enough of that. Filthy language at a Christmas Party around kids. I think NOT!"

Picard came over with a look of concern on his face. "Oh dear. I let Ensign Britney out for a few minutes because she promised she would behave if I would let her be part of the festivities for once. "

"And you believed her?" I shook my head.

"Don't worry, she's going back in the brig." Captain Picard motioned for security droids to come and take her away.

After watching them exit he looked at me and smiled and said, "Now, it's time for presents. "

"But aren't you Santa every year?"

"Yes, but I felt this year that Will's, ahem, belly shook more like jelly than mine. " He ran his hands over his trim waist and I laughed.


After all the presents had been given out, and there were some really neat ones, I still had not been given mine yet. I wasn't going to say anything though because that would be petty.

"I'll bet you're wondering where your gift is" , Beverly said with a kind tone to her voice. I didn't say anything and the gentleness of her voice was grating on my nerves causing my fists to clench. NOT! GOOD!

Vic was singing "Blue Christmas" now and it sure did seem like one.

"Every year you show up here alone and you have fun and enjoy yourself, especially last year, but this year you had a bit of a shock to your heart right before coming so we thought we would do something special for you. " Deanna looked at me with understanding in her eyes and I started to calm down a bit.

I looked around and saw all of my Enterprise friends had moved in and I started to get a little concerned at just what they had planned.

"Close your eyes, Nic." The way that Captain Picard had phrased it made it clear it was an order and not a request. I was hesitant but I did it anyway and waited.


My heart leapt in my chest and I opened my eyes. There was my daughter all dressed up in a beautiful holiday dress with her beautiful, thick hair cascading down her back in curls.

She ran to me and hugged me with all the love her little 6 year old arms could muster.

Suddenly the back up singers burst out with the Mariah Carey version of "All I Want for Christmas is You " and, dammit, my eyes started tearing up.

I looked at Captain Picard. "How– How did you know? "

"Christmas is a time to spend with family and friends. Those you love. I couldn't think of a better gift to give you than to have your daughter be here with you this year at the party instead of being home while you're here alone. " My dear Captain smiled and came forward to give me a hug and then he slipped me a handkerchief to wipe my tears away.

"Thank you. Thank all of you! This is the very best present I could have been given this year. A reminder of what real love is about."

I hugged my little girl for several seconds and gave her kisses and then she and I went out to dance on the floor as holographic snow started to fall.

It had turned out to be a wonderful party after all!


What a way to end the guests viewpoints!


Just time now for my own!

Things have been tough to maintain. The brig has been starting to fill up. Britney and T'Pol have occupied it. Even when I let the tearaway Ensign out, who was wearing her Dr Martens boots and black PVC mini dress she was back in within half an hour.

There have been dancing duels between Riker and Worf. At least it brought a lot of entertainment.

I must say, there have been a few unexpected guests. The Borg Queen turned up, but fortunately Reg Barclay managed to keep her entertained, and she now happily dances the Foxtrot with him.

I'm not sure what has happened to Seven Of Nine and Sky. We expected trouble from them, but they vanished for a while.. Two young women who nobody recognises appeared later though.

Very strange.

Bev's outfit for the Party could be called my Christmas present.

A beautiful woolen red dress; she even bought a rose to give me. I'll be sure to find that mistletoe this evening!

I heard something about Riker being attacked by a giant donut earlier, but thought I must have misheard, due to the high amount of Klingon Bloodwine and Romulan Ale I had consumed.

"All right, everybody." says Vic, "The Party will soon be coming to a close. Time to dance with those you care about."

Riker holds Deanna, Karena brings Wesley on to the floor, Trisha Lewis and Geordi are ready, Data gets Jennifer Baxter, Britney picks her best friend T'Pol, Worf holds Jadzia, Ro Laren takes Reg Barclay, which annoys the Borg Queen, Seven Of Nine chooses Sky, and I have a smiling Beverly.

The band plays a slow version of "White Christmas."

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
Just like the ones I used to know
Where the treetops glisten,
and children listen
To hear sleigh bells in the snow

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
With every Christmas card I write
May your days be merry and bright
And may all your Christmases be white

Vic then sings a slow, moochy version of 'Have Yourselves A Merry Little Christmas'

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.


"Happy Christmas everybody!" Vic calls out.

Beverly and I kiss.

"Happy Christmas, Jean-Luc."

"Happy Christmas, Beverly."

Beverly gives me the rose, which I wear.

Time to find that mistletoe!


Thursday, December 06, 2007

Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Four)

The Party is going well, with us now into Day Four...

Shiara is here in a beautiful red dress..

The Changeling Of Christmas

I was invited by my boyfriend HS to a Christmas Party on board the Enterprise...
It was amazing... Especially the Sands Nightclub...

We danced and had fun... While resting our feet I meet a couple. One of which was a Shapeshifter... His name was Odo...

First we asked about each others physiology and then we just began talking about shapeshifting...

He demonstrated some of the things he could become...

"Tarkalean Hawk..." He said and then change...

Because he is liquid he changes faster than me... To become the Hawk I have to use my muscles to retract some of my bones... but I soon then become the bird...

"Try this... A Vorchan from Centauri." I turned into the predator...

He then Mimicked.... Then he turned into a pig thing.... "What is that I exclaim.."

"A Klingon Targ" said Lt Worf...

I then tried and we continued... Then Odo turned into something I couldn't mist...

He changed back to his Humanoid form.. "What is wrong.."

"I can not change in that... Only animals and then I can only go so small... " I smile

"Well how big can you go?" He asked...

I laughed, "Pretty big... I am a Dragon... "

We had a little laugh and then I returned to dancing with HS, one last dance outside under a holographic moon...
We looked up at the sound of bells and magically mistletoe appeared...

"Galen.." I sighed and then we heard a giggle and saw a little woman wiggle her HI-NI and say...

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night."

We then kissed...

It was a perfect evening... I woke up the next morning to find my master, Galen had not returned from the Party...


Here is Ciera who was with Fluke Starbucker on Day Two.

"Sweet," I exclaim as I view the text invitation that arrived on my cellphone. I missed last year Christmas party on the Enterprise as I was still busy contemplating murder of the ex-boyfriend who had broken my heart, but I wasn't about to miss it this year! Leaving the confines of the tiny room in which I work, making sure the newspaper of the early 21st Century gets to press on time. Finding my favorite pressman Kirk (yes, you read that right), I find myself at a loss for words.

He adjusts his glasses as he looks at me and says, "What?"

Like an idiot, I thrust out my cellphone and show him the invite. "It says I can take a guest... want to come?"

"I don't know," he replied. "How're we gonna get thee?"

"I'll call up Fluke Starbucker and he'll shuttle us's an awful short trip, time travel wise, and we'll have lots of fun."

"Well...ok." forward shall we to that night? Cellphone/communicator slipped in my elegant handbag...a light purple with diamond accents that matches my glittering purple gown with thin straps instead of sleeves, I adjust my up-swept hair, excited at the prospect of dancing the night away with Kirk. As I knock on his door, chilly beneath my white lace wrap that is more holes than anything else, my cell chirps and I answer it.

"Hey babe, taxi's here..." comes Fluke Starbucker's almost insolent voice. "You ready?"


I can almost hear him roll his eyeballs at me. "You're not still doing your makeup are you?"

"No, I'm waiting for him to answer the door!"

"Oh, well why didn't you say so!" I hear a few clicks. "My sensors show that he's going to answer the"

The door opens. Kirk is wearing jeans and a t-shirt and has a day's growth of stubble on his chin. While I absolutely love this look on him, I know that this look would not go over well at the Sands nightclub. Vic would kill me, and might just have Worf toss the two of us out.

"Uhm," says I.

"Wow," Kirk says. He looks me up and down appreciatively.

"Wow?" I reply.

"Can we go now?" asks Fluke over my cell.

"You were supposed to dress up," I manage to tell Kirk. "You didn't forget did you?"

"That's tonight? No, I hadn't forgot, but..."

"Fluke," I say into my cell. "You got any spare tuxes in your closet?"

"Weeellll......I happen to be wearing mine as I'm gonna crash the party. You're not getting away with just having me be the taxi this year," he scolds. "But I think there might be some old ones in Sprok's."

"Ok, beam us up. We'll..."

Words were lost as the transporter beam grabbed us (the look of surprise on Kirk's face was priceless).

There was no Sprok to greet us. Concerned I led my dazed date to the bridge and asked Fluke, "Where's Sprok?"

"Sprok?! Sprok!! Sprok?!?!?!? Why is it that is all people can ask me?!?! No 'Hey, been missing ya Starbucker' 'nice to see you'...just 'Where's Sprok?'" Fluke pounds his panel as he screams.

"Look, if you don't know, just say so!" I reply.

Fluke yells insanely.

"Is he ok?" Kirk asks.

"I don't really know. Fluke, just get us there, ok?" We leave him pounding at the controls angrily and, a touch insanely I might add, and wander back into the ship. I open every door that is open-able to try and find Sprok's old room. Some rooms...well, let's just say that it's been a while since some of them have seen the light of the overhead lights! I'll spare you the needless details of getting Kirk ready, but we finally found a tux that fit him, and shiny black shoes...though I decided to leave the stubble on his face. What can I's 'shexy'!

Beaming onto the Enterprise, we [all three of us} are greeted by an ensign whose name escapes me. They're all disposable and expendable, so I guess it doesn't really matter.

"If you will follow me..." the ensign says, looking confused at the guest list before him.

Along the way, Kirk slips his hand in mind. I smile, thinking he's being romantic, but he shrugs and says, "I don't want to get lost."

He looks serious...but I never can tell when that man is joking.

Inside the holodeck, things are already hopping. No doubt Fluke's tantrum set us back some and made us fashionably late. Vic is on stage, singing "Home for Christmas" which was a little out of character for the period, but it was Christmas so who really cared? I was a bit perturbed at missing the first dance, as the Captain always lets me have the first dance with him. Actually, now that I think about it...I vaguely remember showing up last year for the first dance, slamming back a couple of Romulan Ale's...and remember nothing else.

Shaking it off, I loop my arm through Kirk's and I peruse the room as we make our way in deeper to the Holodeck. Nearly everybody is here...Riker and Deanna are off dancing in a corner, him nibbling on her ear while she glares across the room at Worf and Jadzia who were having drinks. Data was attempting to dance with Jennifer, but she kept stepping on his toes...a sight that was amusing to say the least. I couldn't spot anyone else for the crowd, so I turned to Kirk..."Do you want to dance or have a drink first?"

He shrugged.

I hate it when he does that!

"Excuse me," came the pleasant voice of the Captain. "Lt. Commander Ciera...I missed you for the first dance."

"Fluke was having some sort of tantrum kind," I explained. "He's upset because he can't remember where he misplaced Sprok."

"Well, given the size of this crowd, he just might find him." Picard looks at my date. "I see you brought a guest."

"Yes, Jean-Luc this is Kirk..."

"Did somebody say my name?" slurs a slightly inebriated Captain James T. Kirk as he approaches us.

"Uhm, no," I replied, wondering which time circuit he had flown in on. "I was introducing my date to Jean-Luc."

"I'm not your date," Cpt. Kirk replied. Then he looked at me. "But we could change that."

"No, I'm happy with..."

Cpt. Kirk looks at my Kirk and says..."Who're you?"


"No - that's my name. No need to get cocky, sprout!" Cpt. Kirk draws himself up. "I was commanding starships before you're grandpa..."

"Ah, Jim...he's from the early 21 century," I interrupt before he could finish his tirade. "He was printing newspapers before your grandpa was a twinkle in your grandfather's grandfather's eye!"

"Don't you start too," Cpt. Kirk says. "You're pretty but you're only an ensign, Lt."

"What?" I look to Picard for help, but he's too busy hiding his laughter.

"What do you do, Twerp?" Cpt. Kirk asks my Kirk. "What department do you serve in?"

"I'm a pressman," my Kirk answer, looking irritated. Uh-oh. I know that look. That's the look he gets when the paper on the press comes undone. I hope he doesn't start swearing.

"A what?" Cpt. Kirk rolled his eyes.

My Kirk refuses to answer.

"I don't know who you are, but you're a poor imitation of me." Cpt. Kirk took another swallow of his drink and turns to me. "Why don't you come with me and we'll find something better to do?"

"Uhm, no." I say decisively.

"Suit yourself." He hiccuped and walked away. "People have no idea who I am anymore...young upstarts..."

As his muttering fades away, I turn to Picard. "You were a lot of help!"

Still giggling, Picard says, "He arrived early and was already like that."

"As I was saying, Jean-Luc...this is Kirk. Kirk this is Captain Jean-Luc Picard."

The two men shake hands. "Kirk," Picard says. "Do you mind if I steal your date for the rest of this dance?"

"Yeah, go ahead. Just give her back." Kirk looks around. "I'm gonna go get a drink." He smiles at me and wanders off.

"Stay away from the Romulan Ale," I warn. He waves at me. I sigh. "He has such a nice smile," I say to Picard.

"Quite." Picard hold out his hand and soon we are dancing to a highly spirited version of "Jingle Bells". "So, you do remember last year's party."

"Not's a little fuzzy," I reply in between breaths.

"I don't doubt it...after the Romulan Ale, you started in on the Fuzzy Navels."

"Oh Lord...please tell me that's a drink and not the name of the band last year!"

Picard laughed pleasantly. "It's a drink."


The music ended, thankfully before I passed out! "Thank you for the dance, Jean-Luc."

"Anytime, Ciera. Now, go find your date, some mistletoe and I'll see if I can't get Vic to sing some slow songs."

"And I'm sure you'll be finding Bev for that as well," I say with a cheeky smile.

"Of course!"

I make my way through the crowd, finding my Kirk surrounded by a bevvy of beauties at the drink table. He sees me and smiles. "There she is now," I hear him say.

The women turn to me as one. "Where did you find this adorable man?" the one in the strapless red dress asks.

"He is just so darling!" remarks the one in the barely-there blue dress.

"In the press room," I say coolly, not letting my jealous irritation show. "You ought to see him when he's covered in ink."

The women laughed. "I'd looove to see that," cooed the one in a sparkly pink dress.

"Well, if you'll excuse me..." Kirk extracted himself from their midst. "Let's dance."

I let him lead me back out onto the dance floor as Vic began to sing a slower Christmas song. I didn't recognize the song, but as Kirk put his arms around me, I kind of forgot to think about it.

"They're holograms," he said.

"I wasn't jealous," I replied.

" had that look on your face that you wear when Christina brushes up against me at work."

I don't say anything.

"I told her to stop."

I smile at him.

"As fun as this is,what do you say we bale and go home early? " Kirk suggests.

"I like that idea...but first we'll have to find Fluke...he's our ride home..."

"Oh...we might be a while then. He went that way," he pointed deeper into the Sands, "A while ago with a girl...."

"I see...well, then, let's just keep on dancing, shall we? We're time traveling so we have all the time there is..."

It ended up that the Enterprise had to return us home because we never did find Fluke.

As I stand just inside Kirk's longer shivering, he holds up a sprig of mistletoe...

"Where did you get that?" I ask, a smile blossoming on my face.

"Your futuristic Captain slipped it to me..."

"Jean-Luc is such a matchmaker," I mutter.

"No," he said. "The other one."


"Said I shouldn't let you get away." He holds it over my head, and leans in and kisses me.


I can see Seven Of Nine getting excited, as her terminatrix friend Sky is here. Time to triple Security!

The Borg Who Stole Christmas

My friend Seven of Nine invited me to this years Enterprise Christmas Party. I planned on coming with my boyfriend, Anthony Stark Jr.

Seven said that Captain Picard first stated I could not come because it was a "Black Tie Affair"

After my research I realized he meant he was issuing a dress code...

I informed Seven I would have the right attire and he reluctantly agreed to my presence. I think the fact that Seven threatened to assimilate the crew helped change his mind...

While I was preparing to go, Tony Two, my right hand man came up to me and insisted on being allowed to go. I permitted it. My Tony and Tony two glared at each other but were silent.

I greeted Seven and introduced her to my boyfriend and my right hand man... Both men in their Tuxes extended their arm for me.. I walked past and took Seven's arm leaving them standing there in the Transporter Room.

Seven and I watched the Party while Tony drank and Tony Two glared at him. Soon Tony was hanging on the chandeliers and had a lamp shade on.

Seven and I then saw something interesting. A funny little fellow.

Seven: Do you see him, Sky?

My response: I see him.

He had the panels pulled open and was messing with the Holodeck... When he saw us he grabbed the Christmas Tree and ran.

Seven and I tried to pursue but one of the Holodeck wires crackled and sparked....

Shutting down power systems...

I opened my eyes, it had been a while since I had dominance over Sky. I am not sure how long I was pushed down so deep in her conscious. I looked around. Someone approached....

"Hello." She said.

I turned to her, "Hello." She looked forward.

"I am Annika Hansen, Welcome to Unimatrix Zero." Ann stated.

I shook her hand, "Dr Katelyn Shane Basil. I then tried to figure out what happened."

It took me sometime but with Annika's help I discovered that somehow a power surge from a holodeck had linked Sky and her friend Seven, who were both currently unconscious.

I looked around and smiled, "How would you and everyone else like to come to the Christmas Party?"

Annika became excited, "I would love it."

I forced myself free from this real subconscious realm and to the Party.
I see Seven of Nine unconscious and the sparking wires to the holodeck...

I work with a few adjustments and no one notices that I bring Unimatrix Zero to the Party.

Annika appears in front of me, "Merry Christmas. If they hadn't had the party in the holodeck I wouldn't have been able to do this."

"How long will it lasts?" My new friend asks

Taking two glasses of eggnog I offer her one and say, "I don't know, nor do I know how long I can keep Sky suppressed, so let's enjoy it while we can."

Soon we were interrupted by Tony slurring as a large warrior like security guard dragged him away... "Ladies... come Mr Worf is taking us to a private room to celebrate."

"Would you like me to demonstrate a Vulcan nerve pinch, " Annika grins.

"Sure!" Tony said and then she quickly had him unconscious.

As we watched him be carried to the brig, Annika and I had another toast.


Merlyn Gabriel is the next guest I see in the group of people.

I arrive on board the Enterprise with my date. Already the beaming technology has made him raise his blue-black eyebrow twice.

"We are here for a party, not to steal technology." I hiss in his ear.

"Indeed, my dear." He purrs in my ear, "But it doesn´t hurt to observe."

I sigh and shake my head. I suppose I should be grateful Thrawn accepted to come along as my date to this shindig, he´s not really the partying type and it took some convincing to get him into the suit which I am told is called a tuxedo. It might have been a bigger argument had he not seen my dress first, slinky, low cut and it clung to all my curves. I must admit he looks very dashing in his clothes.

We are met by Commander Data who, much to my surprise remembers that I was here last year. I keep forgetting he is an android and has a perfect memory.

"Good evening Miss Gabriel it is so nice to see you again. The Captain was very happy to hear you had accepted the invitation."

"Hi Data, this is my date, Thrawn." I say quickly before Thrawn can mention rank or anything else that would require lengthy explanations about cross galactic travel and alternative universes.

"Pleasure to meet you, sir. If you will follow me..." Data says looking at Thrawn in a puzzled way. "May I say that our doctor could replace your antenna should you wish?"

Thrawn looks at me and then at Data and asks, "Antennae?" in a manner which usually makes people back away mumbling apologies. Data wears an expression that is a cross between puzzlement and looking as though he swallowed a bug and wisely keeps quiet. The Enterprise is a stunning ship and I know that as we walk through her impressive halls and ride the turbo
lifts, Thrawn is taking mental notes. I begin to wonder if I should have asked Shiv to come along instead. We reach the holodeck and already even before the doors open we can hear music and laughter.

"Are we late?" I ask.

Data shakes his head. "Not at all, this year´s venue is a nightclub based from the 1960´s in Las Vegas. Loud is normal." And with that he opens the door.

I tug at Thrawn´s sleeve because the sight of an utterly different world behind the holodeck doors has occupied his attention. We don´t have holodeck technology in our galaxy. He smiles at me, remembering that this is a Christmas party not a fact finding mission and we enter the room. It is remarkable. A live band plays up on a small stage, with a grey haired man singing.

His voice is very pleasant and the beat from the song already makes me want to dance. I scan the room and see Florence waving madly, weaving our way through the crowd we finally make our way to the table and the seats she has saved for us. She looks fabulous and as we do that
obligatory kiss kiss thing I give her the present I brought with me. I introduce Thrawn and she smiles.

"Pleasure to meet you, I have read a lot about you." She grins.

I make an `I´m innocent face´ and Thrawn smiles politely then swipes two drinks from a passing waiter with all the grace of a Russian ballet dancer.

We have not been seated more than a few minutes when the Captain comes over to greet us, making the rounds in the large crowded room. I am so delighted to see him I jump up and give him a huge undignified hug which he tolerates. Then I introduce my date and they shake hands.

"I do not mean to be rude of anything, but we have a fabulous doctor on board who can do wonders for your ah... antennae problem." He says.

Thrawn looks more and more puzzled.

"Miss Gabriel, you did not tell me you were dating an Andorian." The Captain says.

I shake my head. "Thrawn isn´t an Andori-whatsit he´s Chiss."

"Ah, so he isn´t missing any antenna?" Captain Picard says with a relieved smile.

"No, he isn´t missing anything." I grin. Thrawn pretends to be very interested in the table decoration and the Captain tugs on his uniform jacket.

"Well that is good to hear. Andorians take their antenna very seriously."

The Captain says then smiles and wishes us a pleasant evening but before he can leave to greet the next table of guests I make him promise to save me a dance. This night club party is fantastic and the music which fills the air is perfect for dancing. I look at Thrawn who is engaged in conversation with Florence, they are talking about the meaning and cultural significance of toys and I can tell this will be a great evening. I sit back, sip my drink and return the smile that the singer, Vic, has just given me. Yep, this is going to be great!


Now who invited The Borg Queen? She wasn't on my Guest List. I think we have a gatecrasher, but who is going to volunteer to throw HER out?

I thought I'd invite myself along to Locutus' Christmas Party after the events of last year. There is no better way of studying human behaviour than at a party. The speed at which they intoxicate themselves is quite amazing.

I try to get in contact with Seven via the Hive Mind, but strangely am unable to do so. Perhaps her connection is on the blink for some reason? I know she is around here with that terminatrix friend Sky somewhere.

Strangely, the girl in the blue dress with that other blonde looks VERY familiar!

I have one of Guinan's vol-au-vants, and some Romulan Ale and walk over to one of the crew. He looks very panic stricken when he sees me.

"Wha...what d-do you w-want." he says.

"I recognise you, Reg Barclay from last year." I tell him, "You are in no danger of being assimilated due to the Christmas Party Truce Agreement."

He looks relieved.

"What are these?" I ask, pointing to some paper tubes.

"T-these are C-christmas crackers." he tells me, "Th-they were very popular in the 2oth and 21st Century, e-especially in England. T-two people p-pull them and the one with the most g-gets the contents, which are a p-paper hat, a plastic toy and a joke."

"You will pull a cracker with me, Barclay." I tell him, "I wish to win the contents."

"I-I'm s-sure you w-will." he tells me."

We pull the cracker, which splits with a bang. I happen to win the contents. I get a blue paper hat, which I put on, a plastic Borg Cube, plus a piece of paper.

"T-that is the joke." Barclay informs me. I then read it out.

"Question: What did the Borg clown drone say to the newly captured victim? Answer: You will be a-silly-ated."

I look blankly at Barclay.

"I do not understand this joke." I say.

"Err...well, cracker jokes are always p-poor." he replies.

I then take him on the dancefloor to do the Foxtrot, while still wearing my blue paper hat.

Humans can be very fascinating.


With that, the Fourth Day draws to a close. Be back tomorrow for the Fifth and Final Day!