New Look

Time to write some more vital information as to how life is going on the Enterprise.

What's this? Who has changed the design?

"Computer!" I call out, "What has happend to the Captain's Journal?"

"It has been redesigned by order of Starfleet Regulation 1177/66ACF/24" the computer tersely tells me.

"I didn't want it changing!" I protest, computer, "Change it back to the previous design."

"That is not possible due to Starfleet Regulation 1177/66ACF/24." the computer reminds me.

"I've a feeling I'm going to know that regulation off by heart." I grumble to myself.

Deanna Troi enters. Doesn't the woman ever knock?

 "Oooh!" that looks snazzy!" the counselor exclaims, as if she has seen a dress she wants to buy at the Starfleet Mall, "I can't wait to have a go on that!"

"Do you mind, Deanna?" I snap, "I'm recording my private thoughts here."

"Don't be ridiculous." the Betazoid giggles, "Everybody knows what you write anyway." She walks out, still laughing to herself.

Maybe I can change it back with a Systems Restore. I press the button.

All power except Life Support is switched off.

"That action is in direct contravention of Starfleet Regulation..." starts the computer.

"Yeah, I hnow." I groan, "1177/66ACF/24.  "Undo the System Restore."

All the power comes on again.

I sigh.

"I suppose I'll get used to it."

Power Failure

When travelling at Warp Nine to the nearest Starbase, one doesn't expect anything to go wrong.

After all, all we want is a little R&R.

Suddenly, the computers close down, all the lights go out, and the Enterprise stops, leaving the ship to float in space.

The Bridge is in total darkness; I get up and promptly fall over, as I did not see the slight floor ridge in front of me.

"What's going on?" I call out, although there might as well not be anyone on front of me.

Suddenly there is a slight light; Data is glowing.

"What have you done, Mr Data?"

"It is an emergency fitting that Noonian Soong, my creator had fitted. In the event of being in a dark situation, my skin was designed to glow."

"I haven't heard of that before." I reply.

"I had only remembered this when I recently had a Level One Diagnostic after Sid had repaired me. This fact had been omitted for some years."

"Well, now that you glow." I say, "We can stop bumping into each other on the Bridge and find out what is going on."

"I believe I know what it is, Captain." Geordi tells me, "I think the ship blew a fuse."

"What!" comments Riker, "You mean a Federation Galaxy-Class starship can stop working if an old-fashioned fuse happens to blow?"

"Err..yes, Commander." he replies, "Although a 24th Century fuse is much stronger than the ones we used to have hundreds of years ago."

"Woe betide a Federation vessel if it is engaged in a galactic battle and the fuse blows." I say drily.

Geordi opens a tiny box on the Enterprise circuitboard and takes something out of his pocket.



"I always carry one of these little fellas with me." he says proudly, "You never never know when you might need one.

"Perhaps we ought to have some candles in the back as well?" I suggest, sarcastically.

"Oh, we've got them as well." Geordi states matter-of-factly, "Do you want me to get some out."
"No!" I reply sharply, "Just put the fuse in."

Geordi complies, and all the lights come on. The computers are operating, and the engines start functioning again.

"There we go, Captain." he says happily, "Everything is all right again."

"Good, Mr LaForge." I say, "Please bring a box of fuses and put them under my seat. If we do battle against the Borg, I want to be ready."

------------------

Author's Note:

The Enterprise Christmas Party is awaiting your entry! For all the details, see part of the TWQ post last weekene.

------------

And to all those who celebrate it.......Happy Thanksgiving!!

--------------

The wonderful Nina has given me this Award below:



Nina, it's my pleasure and honour to be your friend. Thank you so much!

Picard The Criminal (Part One)

Why I get invited to see the new technology is beyond me. Do Starfleet want my approval or something? I doubt it, as they never listen to me anyway.

The eccentric Professor Kalam is on the Enterprise; with him is a strange looking device.



Riker and Deanna are with me in the Ready Room with the Professor as he attempts to explain what it is all about. He wears scruffy clothes, looks forgetful; why are all scientists like this?



"Erm..ah..yes..." starts Kalam in his dotty, stumbling way, "Err, well, Captain Picard, this, you might say, is a Mind Altering Device."

"You mean it's initials spell M.A.D.?" I ask.

"Err..well, I suppose it does." he continues, "But that is just a coincidence, Captain."

"I'm sure!" comments Riker, drily, "What are we meant to do with it?"

"Yes, ah, well," Kalam, flusters on, "This is meant to remove all the bad elements out of a criminal so that they can live normal healthy lives, rather than spending years in a penal colony."

"It sounds dangerous to me, Professor." Deanna says, "I don't think we should be interfering with the minds of people, even if they are evil."

"I agree, Counselor" I comment, then turn to Kalam, "What harm will it do to people if they are not criminals if they accidentally get exposed to this?

"Oh, it won't harm them at all!" says the Professor, "I'm quite sure on that."

"How do you know?" Riker asks him. Kalam looks disgusted.

"I'm so sure, Commander Riker." he replies, "I will ask Captain Picard to use it. Nothing at all will happen to him at all."

Deanna looks panicky, "Don't try it, Captain!"

"Are you SURE this is alright, Kalam" I ask.

"I'm positive." he states, "Captain, would you care to sit down?"

I sit rather hesitantly on the chair; the next thing I know, a cap is being placed on the top of my head, with wires leading to the device.

Kalam switches it on, and the machine's lights start flashing away, like they do in the Frankenstein Castle when the Doctor is about to put together another body and shout "It's alive!"

The lights start flashing away, and I get a headache. Eventually it all seems too much and I pass out.

----------

Eventually I wake up. What's going on in this crazy place?

"Wake up, Captain!" says Riker, "You've fainted."

"Yes." continues Deanna, "We were really worried about you."

"Stop yammerin', the both of you!" I tell them, "You two are enough to give anyone a headache. Riker, get this crate going to where it's supposed to."

"Are you sure you're all right, Captain." he tells me. Why do some just drone on.

"Look, Riker." I tell him, "If you can't do what I'm saying, I'll have you down to Ensign before you know it."

"Oh, dear." says Kalam, "I fear we may have a problem."

"I don't see one, Professor." I tell him, "That fancy device has allowed me to see things a little more clearly."

"Security!" Riker says on his com badge.

That tears it. I whack him on the chin, and he falls to the ground. I've always wanted to do that! Deanna screams and I run out.

-----------

On the way to the shuttlecraft, I use my Command Codes and shut down the running of the Enterprise. That should prevent them tracking me.

I get in the shuttlecraft and manage to fly free of the Enterprise and go into Warp. The starship is still frozen in space as a result of my actions.

Now that I'm finally free of Starfleet and the do-gooder authorities, I can begin a healthy life of crime on the lam.

To be continued....

The Bugs

As we cruise through space, Deanna comes running on to the Bridge, screaming.

"Help." she says frantically, "I've been attacked by bugs."

"Mr Data." I tell him immediately, "Have any spaceships been seen in the area?"

"No, Captain." he replies, "They may be using a cloaking device of some sort. The Counselor is lucky to get away from hostile aliens."



"Captain!" Deanna says with exasperation, "They are not aliens, but just plain bugs on the ship. They were all over the floor in my quarters, and even more in the corridors on the way here."

"Of course." continues Data, still with his alien invader chip still running, "They could be attempting to communicate with us. We may have a First Contact situation, Captain."

"Listen, Data." I tell him with a sigh, "They are bugs, plain and simple. The ship needs to be fumigated."

Data mumbles something about lifeforms and contacts the nearest starbase with a fumigator.

-----------

At Starbase 14, a figure beams over.



"Hello." I tell him, "Thank you for coming. I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard. I'll take you through the ship."

"Hmmhhmhh" replies the figure, "Heffeessalawww."

"Sorry?" I ask, "I didn't hear what you said."

"Sirrrdassssa" he answers. The uniform is clearly to thick to hear anything with.

The figure is carrying a giant can on his back, plus a spray gun attached it. Suddenly I see the problem.

"Everyone will evacuate to the escape pods and remain there until the fumigation is over." I announce over the intercom.

I see the figure spraying away as he walks through the corridors. crewmen, running towards the escape pods cough as they go past.

An hour later, as I sit in the escape pod, I get a tap on the window.

"Mmmwehana" he says.

"I still can't hear you." I reply.

The figure takes off his hood. I can see that it's Sid, the man we always seem to get to fix problems on the ship. He has such a 20th century view of things.

"The bugs have gone, now, mate." he tells me, "This industrial strength bug remover will ensure they don't come back for a long time. You must have beamed a few up on one of your Away missions."

"Is the spray safe, Sid." I ask.

"Not if you're a bug, mate." he replies, "Har, har, har! Well it might give you a few orange blotches for a day or so, but aside from that, it's harmless."

Why is it Sid's sense of humour and style scares me so much?

-------------------

Author's note:



You can see an interview with myself at Blog Interviewer.Com While you are there, you can vote for your favourite blog for the month (cough, cough!)

23rd Century Costume Party (Part Two)

Like all things, it started out as a way to relax, but something goes wrong....

The senior staff are all in the holodeck dressed as members of Captain Kirk's 23rd Century Enterprise. Foolishly, we directed the controls in here as well, to create the authenticity of it.

We were all having a good time until something went wrong with the computers and locked us in the holodeck. Not only that, but a hostile ship is on it's way to meet us.

--------------

"Well we still have control of the galaxy-class Enterprise that the holodeck is part of, don't we?" Riker asks me, while wearing his Spock outfit plus false ears.

"Yes, Number One." I reply, "But the weapons of our Enterprise will not comply with those on the panels of this Bridge."

"Are you saying we're defenceless?" Deanna says with increduality.

"I'm afraid so, Counselor." I reply, "T'Pol, open a channel to the ship, maybe we can talk our way out of this."

T'Pol, in her role as Communications Officer Lieutenant Uhura snorts with derision and mumbles about the situation would not have happened in the mirror universe of the Terran Empire, where she comes from.



"There is an open channel from the ship." she informs me, "The screen will come on now."

As it does, we see the image of a very reptilian-like Captain. He looks aggressive and troublesome. I introduce myself and the ship.

"I am Captain Varg of the Gorva Empire. You will surrender your vessel and prepare for boarding." he starts, "My crew will take over and you will..."

He stops and looks at us, then bursts out laughing.

"What is this?" he says as the laughter gets louder, "You all look as if you are in a hundred year old Starfleet vessel. You, Captain Picard, have a torn shirt and are wearing a hairpiece. Your second-in-command is wearing some large stick-on-ears. As for your Bridge, it looks ridiculous. Not only that, the females are wearing dated miniskirts. Hey, Zarg! Look at this!"

Captain Varg's second-in-command comes to the screen to take a look.

"What is it, Captain?" he says, then looks at us, "Ah...ha, ha, ha, ha!!!!!"

Both of them are laughing away, and eventually wipe away their tears to call members of the other crew to watch, who all fall about laughing."



"I do not like to feel humiliated." states Worf angrily.

"I know what you mean, Mr Worf." I tell him as I throw my Captain Kirk hairpiece on the floor. Unfortunately, this causes the Gorvans to laugh even louder.

"With Varg and Zarg distracted." suggests Data, "We may be able to get away from them."

"That's true, Mr Data, "Set a course at 180.2 at Warp Nine."

The Enterprise vanishes away from them swiftly; after about half an hour, the computer anomoly is repaired and we manage to get out of the holodeck.

We change into our regular uniforms, glad to leave those of the 23rd Century behind us.

"It looks like I won't be someone's love interest for this week." complains Britney.

Maybe we should have beamed her over; that would have frightened them.

"Do you think aliens ever laughed at Captain Kirk in the last Century." Geordi asks me as we walk through the corridors.

"I don't think they would dare, Mr LaForge." I answer, "He tended to use a photon torpedo as a method of greeting them. here in the 24th Century, we just get laughed at!"

23rd Century Costume Party (Part One)

As there is some time before our next assignment, the crew is relaxing by having a costume party.

It was Riker's idea that we all dress up as members of James T Kirk's Enterprise of the 23rd Century. A program in the holodeck has been created to resemble the Bridge of the time, and we are all going to be in time.

To make it even more authentic, we are going to temporary transfer controls to the holodeck, so that we can run the Enterprise we are actually on from there.

What a great idea! Could anything go wrong?

----------

Naturally, I am Captain Kirk, but though I'm sitting in the holographic Bridge, my shirt is already torn, and I am wearing a hairpiece.

Jadzia comes in.



"I consider being a Yeoman very derogatory, Captain." she complains, "Could I not have had a higher position?"

"I'm sorry, Jadzia." I reply, "It seems like Captain Kirk did not have many women in high positions, "They were generally there for his weekly love interest."

Jadzia snorts in disgust.

Data enters; he is trying to talk in a strange voice.

"Good morning Captain." he starts, "I vill valk over here und assume da controls."

"Mr Data." I ask, "What are you saying?"

"I have been trying to perfect my Russian accent so that I can speak like Chekov" he answers, "But up to now, I have had little success."

Riker comes through the doors, but they are faulty, and keep opening and closing. He is wearing a blue top and has extra large ears.

"We'll have to get those doors fixed. It looks like a problem is developing." I tell him."

"That is logical." he replies, "This experience is fascinating, Captain."

I groan. I wonder if this was a good idea?

Beverly comes and smiles.

"How are you, Beverly?" I ask.

"I'm a doctor, not an answering service." she replies with a smile. Then she whispers in my ears, "I'd rather be the Captain's current love interest than this role as Dr McCoy."

We laugh with each other.

Deanna comes in a Nurse's outfit. Riker looks very impressed.

"You look good as Nurse Christine Chapel." he tells her.

"As Science Officer Spock, You are not supposed to notice that." replies Deanna, "But who knows, maybe he did?"

T'Pol comes in and sits down in Communications.



"I hardly resemble this Lieutenant Uhura." she complains, "The Terran Empire would easily have defeated this ship a century ago. This Captain Kirk seems to concentrate on women a lot."

"..And destroying the enemy without asking questions." adds Riker, "So count yourselves lucky."

I then hear Geordi's voice as he walks in.

"The ship canna take it Cap'n" he goes on, "It's against the laws of physics."

"Hello Mr LaForge." I tell him, "You do a good impression of Montgomery Scott."

Ensign Britney walks in wearing a black wig and mini skirt; she puts her chewing gum away.



"Who are you supposed to be, Ensign Britney?" I ask.

"I'm the weekly love interest." she replies.

"For me?" I say with horror.

"For anyone." she answers with a laugh.

Ro Laren comes on the Bridge, and complains that her role is that of a man, Mr Sulu.

Seven of Nine and Worf enter. They are both angry.

"How is it we are not participating in this, Captain." Worf asks.

"Well, it's a little difficult to find roles for you," I answer, "Klingons were err...'the enemy' back then, and as for you, Seven, maybe you would like to put a Yeoman's outfit on?"

"I will not comply." she answers quickly.

"I thought you might say that."

"Captain." Data tells me suddenly, "Something has gone wrong with the computers. We are locked in here, with the controls diverted here. Sensors tell us that a ship is on it's way and it looks hostile."

It looks like we've got a problem.

To be continued...

Broken Viewer

I must admit it can drive us crazy looking at the viewer all the time, but it keeps us up to date with what is going on around the Enterprise.



"What's going on with the Viewer?" says Riker suddenly.

We all look up and see it is completely black.

"Have we entered a spacial anomoly, Mr Data?" I ask. It's one of the standard questions I fire at times like this.

"No, sir." he replies, "Sensors show that everything is normal outside the ship. A diagnostic tells me that there is a fault somewhere with the viewer."

"Can't you tell me what it is?" I ask, "It's only a simple viewer!"

"Negative." Data tells me, "It seems the problem is more advanced than it appears. We shall have to try and get to the nearest Starbase."

I groan. It looks like we will be limping there, unable to see where we are going, guided only by sensors.

Who said technology was improving?

-------------

Several hours later, we are escorted into Starbase 162, and an engineer beams on to repair the problem.

It's Sid.

Why does he always seem the one who fixes our problems or installs new equipment? With his workmanlike appearance and 20th century outlook one everything, he is hardly suitable.

"Morning, mate." he tells be as he steps off the transporter pad with his bag of tools. He is asked by Worf to put his cigarette out, So Sid throws it on the floor and treads on it.

We head to the Bridge where the Viewer. Sid looks at it.

"We've been having problems with these all the time, mate." he tells me, "When did you have it fitted?"

I tell him, and Sid nods sadly.

"That's no surprise." he continues, "All the models were defective then. I'm surprised it's lasted this long. You've been lucky, mate. It could easily have blown up. I'll take a look at it."

Sid puts his bag on the floor, takes out a hammer and screwdriver and goes round the back of the Viewer. Soon, we hear a loud banging and a few circuits drop on the floor. Geordi is looking distressed as he doesn't like Enterprise technology being examined by others. As no one knew the answers we had no choice.

Sid returns from behind the Viewer, his cap slightly askew. He is carrying two separate circuits with him.

"These are your main problems, guv'nor" he tells me, "This thingy controls the rate of transmission to your screen, and this watchamacallit controls the picture. When one blew out, the other went at the same time. Only natural, innit?"

"What about the circuits on the floor?" protests Geordi.

Sid looks down on them.

"They might need replacing as well, mate" he tells Geordi, who is looking very neurotic, "But if you ask me, it's impossible to get the parts nowadays. This model is past it. I can get you a new top of the range Viewer, though. State of the art, latest on the market, at a good discount."

Reluctantly I agree.

Sid brings it in, fits it, and the picture looks perfect.

"Well done, Sid." I tell him, "I'll write and commend you to your superiors for analysing the problem and providing the Enterprise with a new Viewer.

Sid looks alarmed.

"Err...do me a favour, guv'nor. Don't mention the new Viewer. I kind of got it er...off the back of a lorry, so to speak...."

After translation by Mr Data telling me that he obtained the Viewer by illegal means, I reluctantly have to accept the work he has done.

Sid leaves by transporter.

That's great! Now the Enterprise has to travel the universe with a hot Viewer!

Accountancy Inspection

We've just been told that we have got to be examined for our accountancy records by Starfleet.

This is ridiculous since currency was eliminated, but a shuttle has arrived, and we've got to let a chartered accountant oversee our records.

I am told he has come by shuttle as he does not try those 'new-fangled transporters'. That they have been going for over two hundred years did not seem important.

We all wait in the shuttlebay, as the door opens.



"Welcome, I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise." I tell him.

"Ahh, err..." he replies, "I'm Henry Popplewell, registered chartered accountant. I'm not used to travelling in space, and much prefer the quiet sanctitute of my village in Suffolk of Ottway St Mary."

Popplewell looks dressed in ancient clothing that would look out of place in the 20th century, let alone the 24th.

"Let me show you to you your quarters." says Worf as he steps forward to escort him.

"Oh, goodness me!" exclaims Popplewell, turning white, then looking at me, "I will be alright, won't I, Captain?"

"I assure you that Mr Worf will look after you." I tell him.

"That was odd." Riker says to me, "It seems that Mr Popplewell hasn't exactly caught up with the times."

"It would seem so, Number One, "He is quite sensitive as well. It's a good job Seven was in her alcove, otherwise he might have fainted."

--------

A few hours later, Popplewell is looking at all incoming and outgoing records that the Enterprise has had.

"It is very frustrated having to look at all these records on a computer screen." he tells me with annoyance, "I much prefer paper and pen. Tell me, do you use the double-entry book-keeping system here."

"Sorry Mr Popplewell." I say, "We only have our computer records."

He sighs with disdain.

"When will people realise that double-entry was the only way of true accountancy."

Deanna comes in to talk with him.

"How are things getting on, Mr Popplewell? Do you like it here?"

"Everything seems to be in order, young lady." he replies, "But things are far too new fangled here. I just want to go home."

"Perhaps you might like our new technology if you try it." she suggests.

Deanna takes him to holodeck 2, and puts a program in. I know what she is thinking.

We all go in, and the scene is a small 19th century office, with workers using quill pens and large books. Popplewell looks in wonder.

"This is paradise!" he exclaims, and throws a computer-generated accountant off his desk to start doing it himself. I've never seen a man so happy since Riker knew there some left over donuts in Ten Forward.

--------------

We finally persuade Popplewell to leave the holodeck. He tells me to forget about the accountancy as it all looked good to him. I tell him that there is a holosuite Ottway St Mary, and give him the 19th Century office program to use there.

Popplewell is overjoyed, and decides to beam down, as he wants to start using the program right away.

"Well done, Deanna." I comment.

"Sometimes." she replies, "The past and future can combine well."

New Computer (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Data

Captain Picard has been very annoyed since Sid has fitted the new computer in the Enterprise. It is apparently an old model that was used in the latter part of the twentieth century called the Giganticon 6000.



He has contacted Starfleet and they have informed him that budgeting has meant that slightly older models are now being installed.

Captain Picard asks me to press the 'Start' button to commence it's activation.

Nothing happens.

"Hold on, mate." Sid tells me, "You've got to wait for the valves to warm up a bit. The Giganticon isn't going to come on right away."

"We could have been destroyed by an alien vessel while we were waiting for this machine to 'warm up a bit'" complains Worf.

Everybody mumbles and agrees; I decide to ask Sid a question.

"Do you think the circuitry and database of the Giganticon will allign to my positronic brain pattern so that information may be freely passed?"

Sid looks hesitant.

"Err...it does do Beginner's Level Chess." he replies, "As long as other functions, such as Life Support are cut out."

"Are we safe?" asks Doctor Crusher, with concern.

"Don't worry, missus." Sid assures, "We've got the back-up system over here."



"It looks like an Assimilation Chamber." Seven states, with affection.

There is a clanking sound, and a green light appears in the Giganticon.

"It's up and running." Sid declares proudly, and turns to me, "Give it an instruction."

"Computer." I say, "Take the Enterprise to Starbase 6."

Another clanking sound is heard; the Enterprise starts to move forward, then shudders to a halt.

"Knight to King's Pawn 3" states the computer, before switching itself off.

"That's it!" shouts Captain Picard, angily, "Sid, I want to to remove every inch of what you bought in, and put back the computer we had before, together with the latest upgrades...and no arguments!"

"Come on, lads," Sid tells his helpers, "We'll put this lot in the USS Madagascar instead; maybe they aren't as fussy."

---------------------

A few hours later, and our former computer is back in place.

"Well, Mr Data" the Captain asks me, "You must be pleased to have our old computer back."

"Indeed." I reply, "The chess matches will be more challenging than the ones with the Giganticon."

New Computer (Part One)

Starfleet have ordered that the Enterprise be fitted with a new computer, so we are returning back to Earth.

This sort of things seems to happen so often; they tell me that the one we have is 'out of date' and we need upgrading.

Geordi isn't happy about it, as it upsets the engines and the optimum performance. I can't say I'm keen either. I have to try and figure out the instructions. Usually I only find out after I have been coached by one the children who live on the ship.

We await for the installer to beam on. A flash and he appears.

"Morning, mate."

It is Sid, the engineer who always tends to visit us. He has a bag of tools, including a hammer and screwdriver.

"Hello Sid." I say, "I hope you know how to put this latest computer in."

"Don't worry, mate." he replies, as he puts his cigarette behind his ear and picks up his toolbox, "We'll soon get this new computer up and running, and have a real 21st Century style system running."

"But it's the 24th Century!" I protest, "We need one that is suitable for a Galaxy-Class starship, not an old crate."

"All right mate," says Sid, "Keep your hair on. Once I've finished, you'll have top level machines running here.

I leave Sid and his minions to bring the parts on board, while I go for a drink in Ten Forward with the others.

---------

"Do you think the computer will be an up-to-date one, Captain?" asks Riker.

"I'm not sure, Number One." I reply, "I somehow have my doubts when Sid is installing anything."

"I did see some of the men bringing transistor parts aboard." comments Data, "I do not believe they comply with 24th Century technology."

"Agreed." says Worf gruffily, "They may be cutting corners in costs."

"That's what I've heard as well." Jadzia tells us., "The cost of building statships has gone up lately. Starfleet possibly thinks they will work with older equipment."

"If Starfleet had contacted the Borg," snorts Seven, "You would have a far more efficient computer; we have assimilated the best minds in the universe and would easil..."

Seven's pro-Borg rantings are cut short when Sid walks in and tells us all that the computer is installed; we are all led in to see it.



"It's enormous!" I shout, "This is the size they used to be in the mid-twentieth century."

"This machine is called the Giganticon 6000" states Sid proudly, "It stores 6 MB of memory and is capable of delivering calculations in less than half an hour."

"We need something better than that." complains Geordi.

"Don't worry, mate." Sid assures him, "There will be an upgrade out soon.."

He points us to the computer keyboard.


"Now this is a real up-to date model." he proudly declares.

"It's ancient!" I tell him, "I'm going to complain to Starfleet and get the old computer put back in."

"Hold on, mate." Sid says, "Don't be hasty; give it a chance. You might be surprised to see how well the Giganticon works."

I press the 'Start' button, and we all wait to see what happens next.

To be continued...

-----------------------

Author's note:

As you may have guessed, I'm having a new computer fitted. The engineer will be installing it, and afterwards, it will require broadband connection and data transfer. As a result, Part Two will be shown when I am reconnected; this may take two or three days from Tuesday.

Advertising

I've heard some ridiculous things, but this has got to top everything.

Starfleet has told us that our personal journals are costing too much to maintain, and the only way to sustain them is to introduce advertising.

For the best clothing, don't forget to go to 'Ferengi Furs'.

The trouble is, these are likely to appear anywhere and will upset the flow of any entries For the right time, go to 'Klingon Klocks' we make. However are we supposed to read them back later on?

I talk to Riker about the situation.

"I agree it's annoying." he says, "But I did see a great advertisement pop up on mine for a new sort of donut. I ordered some right away."

I groan.

For the best weapons, see Ak'ra. All sorts of death-inducing weapons and shields for your protection.

"Deanna saw something she liked as well" he continued, "She was composing her Journal and Supacool Ice Cream came up; she went out and ordered a vat right away."

Is everyone falling for this advertisement business; it could Don't forget the annual Starfleet vs Klingons soccer match is on Galactic tv tomorrow night at 7pm! destabilise the entire Federation.

Surely Data isn't prone to these? I go to ask him.

"Naturally I am aware that all advertising is exagerrated, Captain." he starts, "And would not buy something because they said it was very excellent."

"That's good to know, Data." I reply.

"However" he adds, "In my Journal, there was news of Alana's Android Skin Cleaning Lotion. I had to have some of that."

Has everyone gone mad? They are buying all the useless materials they see advertised.

Do you want some jewelry for your sweetheart? Go to Javana's Jewels for the very best in town.

That sounds good; I wonder if Beverly would like something from there for Christmas?

Now I'm starting to think like the others! Is there something wrong with the advertisements? I decide to consult Admiral Poindexter, the man responsible for putting them on the Journals.

When I see him on the videoscreen, he is wearing a weird trendy outfit. I ask him why.

"Well, Captain" he says, "There was this great advert from With-it Fashions that popped up on my Journal. It just looked so good."

"It seems like someone has been using the advertisements in a hypnotic way, Admiral." I tell him. "Even android Data has become infected."

Get your office redecorated with OfficeSupreme!

Poindexter returns.

"You're right, Captain!" he says alarmingly, "Someone has put subliminal programming in the adverts. They are so powerful, even Data can be infected. I'll get the adverts closed down right away."

What a relief those adverts are off. Now I can write my Journal in peace.

I think my office needs redecorated. I wonder if OfficeSupreme could help?

Health & Safety

The Starfleet Health & Safety Inspector is coming aboard to check to see whether the Enterprise conforms to current standards.

Naturally, he is coming via shuttle, as the transporter hasn't been examined by himself to see whether it is safe enough to use.

We are the there to great him.

"Hello" I say, "I am Captain Jean-Luc Pica..."

"No time for that!" he interrupts, "This ship could fall apart at any moment if I haven't checked it. If there is something wrong, we will have to evacuate the vessel right away. The name is Lieutenant Oxley; now lets get a move on!"

His nervous manner gets us all on edge as we follow him; he goes to Engineering first.

"This all looks very dangerous" Oxley says to Geordi, "What are the chances of a warp core breach happening, and us all being infected by radiation?"

"It's minimal, Lieutenant" says Geordi, "We have lots of safety alarms in place that alert us to a possible..."

"Only'minimal'!" replies Oxley, "I'd hope you were going to say 'non existant'. We'll have to close the warp core down and travel on impulse until it can be 100% checked."

Geordi looks at me pleadingly, but I know the Health & Safety representaives are very strong and determined.

"We'll close it down for now." I state guardingly. I've a hunch that Lieutenant Oxley is going to get on people's nerves. He is annoying me.

We then visit Ten Forward and Guinan.

"What about these replicators?" he asks.

"What about them, Lietenant?" says Guinan.

"Can you be sure that your crew aren't eating radioactive food? I'm sure you don't want them to go down with food poisoning during an alien attack?"

"No, but..." I stammer.

"Then all replicators need to be switched off and checked" says Oxley, "Until they are approved, the crew can only eat prepared food."

"But the chef can't cook over 1000 meals!" Guinan replies in protest.

"That's not my concern." he coldly comments, "Health and Safety is my concern, not feeding crewmembers. Just give them a simple soup, or something like that."

"There will be a riot, Captain." Guinan whispers quietly.

"I know" I reply, "Do your best to placate them."

Oxley visits the Cargo Bay where Seven and her alcove are located.

"Is this safe?" he asks me, "Having Borg technology around Enterprise items; we don't know what effect the items will have on ours. Besides that's she could do something to them."

Seven looks visibly annoyed.

"Can I assimilate this person, Locutus" she inquires, "He has insulted me."

"No, Seven; that's not possible." I reply.

Still, it's one character I wouldn't mind seeing as part of the Collective. He would probably destroy it in six months with his Health and Safety Regulations.

After going round many other places and closing down their operations and or annoying crew members, he comes to SickBay.

"This doesn't look very clean." Oxley states, without looking around.

Beverly gets angry.

"My SickBay is ALWAYS clean!" she says clearly.

"Well, what about that man?" he continues, pointing to the Holographic Doctor?, "He doesn't have a doctor's coat on."

"He's a hologram!" Beverly tells him with increased irritation.

Then I can tell she has an idea.

"What about you, Lieutenant?" she asks, "How do we know you haven't bought a virus aboard?"
"Of course I haven't!" replies Oxley.

"Nonetheless, we need to be sure." continues Beverly, as she winks at me, "My staff will give you a thorough examination; it might be a little painful, but I'm sure you'll agree that it's important.."

"Err...look, Captain." he pleads, "Just let me off this examination and I'll pass the Enterprise as allright for Health & Safety..."

"I don't know..." I say to myself, "It does seem irregular, but we'll take a risk and let you leave without a medical inspection."

"Thanks!" Oxley replies hurriedly, signs a Health & Safety Certificate and runs out of the door towards the shuttle.

"Good to know that the Enterprise has passed the Health & Safety again, Jean-Luc" Beverly comments with a smile.

"Sure is, Beverly." I reply, "I don't know how we keep doing it."

Shuttle Travel

After a boring Captain's Conference at Starbase 12, I'm on my way back to the Enterprise in a shuttle.We rendezvous in Sector 5, where the ship is doing an Astromentic Survey.

It is really, really boring travelling on one's own in a shuttle.

"Computer" I instruct, "Play some music"

"Acknowledged. Would you like classical, blues, swing, jazz, rock, 24th century electrical, Klingon piano recitals, Romulan jive.."

"Just play something at random!"

I get a Klingon rendition of 'Spanish Eyes'.

"Cancel that!" I say quickly.

"Acknowledged. Is there anything else you would like?"

"I wish Beverly was here" I say to myself.

"That is not possible"

"I wasn't talking to you!" I reply, "Give me a list of options from the entertainment databank, computer."

"Acknowledged. Music, games, education, quizzes, audiobooks.."

"Select an audiobook for me to read"

"'Vanessa' by Ruth Everson" states the computer, and it starts to read to me..

"Vanessa saw Lord Fairfax approach her; she was very nervous as she had never been alone with him before. As he approached, she slowly removed her dress, which exposed the beautiful.."

Suddenly the voice stops and a distorted crackle replaces it..

"Computer!" I shout indignantly, "What happened to the audiobook?"

"Malfunction in audiobook directory; all books have been deleted."

Oh, that's great; this shuttle is falling apart.

General knowledge; I'm pretty good at that. I would have won the Enterprise Annual Quiz Tournament if it hadn't have been for Data.

"Computer" I say, "Try the quiz section and give me some questions."

"Acknowledged. Here is your first question. Who was the starship Captain was was kidnapped by the Borg, which resulted in a large-scale loss of life in the Battle of Wolf 359?"

I don't believe this.

"Who cares?" I say angrily.

"That is not the correct answer" says the computer, "The correct one is...."

"We both know what the correct one is, computer" I shout, "Have you got in in for my on this journey?"

"That does not compute."

I give up.

"Computer" I say, "Get the replicator to...."

"All replicators are offline"

"Is there anything that IS online" I ask.

"The main computer is."

Aaaggghhhh!

---------------------------

I wake up later in the Enterprise SickBay. Beverly is standing next to me.

"All right, Jean-Luc" she says, "Everything is alright; you're fine now."

Riker is with her.

"It took a while to find you, Captain" he tells me, "The shuttle was drifting about in space; when we examined it, the fire emergency axe had been put into the main computer system by some force. You had passed out."

"Have you any idea what happened, Jean-Luc" asks Beverly.

"I don't think I can remember" I reply.

I'm certainly not going to tell them, but I am going to get a copy of 'Vanessa' by Ruth Everson from the Enterprise Library.

Power Failure

Things are not at the best of times right now.

A few moments ago, the Enterprise passed through the token mysterious spacial cloud. As we emerged, all power was drained, the lights went out and the ship is now floating in space; what a relief we have gravity shoes!

We are all sitting here in the Bridge, with everything in darkness, as if we are waiting for someone to come in and we all shout "Happy Birthday!" when they enter. Fortunately each are carrying a torchlight so we can see one another.

"What do we do, Captain?" asks Riker.

"I'm not sure, Number One" I say, "Suggestions anyone?".

I have to tell them all that when essentially, I don't have a clue.

I feel the blank looks coming forth; inane suggestions are meant to be very likely. Most likely long-range chances, or ideas that have no chance at all.

"The engines need to be revived" Geordi tells us, who is an expert at stating the obvious.

"With what?" I ask, "The kiss of life?"

"Heat might be enough to get get the engines slowly moving."

"What's the best source of heat that you have with you? I inquire.

"Errr...candles." Geordie haltingly replies.

"You're not serious, are you, Lieutenant?" I ask increduously, "That you want a 24th Century starship to be powered by candles?"

"It may not seem practical, Captain, states Data, "The theory is that the cloud carries a lot of energy; if you can take the Enterprise back to the cloud, the ship should absorb it and be fully charged."

"That sounds rather theoretical, Mr Data" I tell him, "How can you be sure that all this will happen?"

"We used to conduct tests on the holodeck on the effect of candle power on ship controls before this happened., and chances are that everything will work." he replies.

"Just how sure can you be?" I ask carefully.

Data isn't too keen on answering.

"The chances of success are slightly limited, Captain." he informs me.

This means the odds are very much against us; I would be safer betting on the 200 to 1 outsider in a horse race than on our success.

-------------------

Everybody is sent to get their candles; some seem to have more than others; perhaps they have a great liking for them? I wonder what they do with them all in their quarters?

They are lit within the engine room.

"I sense great optimism here, Captain" says Deanna.

Actually, I sense great idiocy.

Eventually, the engines begin to creak, and the controls start to light up. Swiftly, Geordi programmes the Enterprise to take us into the cloud.

As we enter, there is a crackle of lights all over the ship as if it is New Year's Eve at Starfleet Headquarters.

Full power is resumed, and we pull away, completely restored.

"Perhaps there is a place for candle power, Captain?" asks Data, "I could enter it into the Starfleet Manual?"

I think Starfleet might believe Data had a circuit or two loose.

Laundry Breakdown

A vital part of engineering has broken down on the Enterprise.

It's the laundry machine.

Without this, over 1000 people are going to be without their regular snazzy uniforms that look so good when we have our pictures taken.

As Geordi works feverously through the hours, Lieutenant Commander Data has thought of a solution.

"In the holodecks, Captain" he suggests, "We could have Laundromat machines set up there so that everything could be cleaned."

It sounds a great idea.

When I get to the holodeck, I realise that Laundromats don't exist in the 24th Century. I address the computer..

"Please create typical Laundromat late 20th Century-early 21st Century."

"Affirmative"

As a lot of Earth citizens went to a Launderette at this time in history, I think this would be a good period.

I get the uniform that I want cleaning and go in with Beverly, Worf and Jadzia.

There are a few machines with clothes spinning around. Some holographic characters are in front of them, watching their clothes spin round. They take no notice of us.

I go to my machine and put my clothes in; the others do the same.

Then we realise we haven't got any money to start our machines going.

Worf hits the machine in frustration and breaks it.

"Oi!" says a man in the corner, "You'll have to pay for that!"

He must be the holographic owner.

"Computer" I say, "Produce small change suitable for the 20th Century"

A pile of coins appear on the machine, suitable for us all.

I put my money in the machine and start it going; in the meantime, I see Beverly putting her uniform and several small items of underwear. She blushes when she sees me. I hurriedly pick up a magazine to read.

We are all reading our magazines when looking at our clothes circulating in the machine.

A ping suddenly goes off. We empty our machines and put them in the basket. Worf is looking very irritated by it all.

"Klingons are warriors!" he says, "They do not go to a Laundromat to clean their clothes!"

Jadzia tries to suppress her giggle.

Geordi comes in.

"Captain" he exclaim, "I've managed to repair the laundry machine a lot earlier than expected. You can all come out now."

"That's great!" says Beverly, "Of course, Jean-Luc, you could always come back here next week...providing you can get the computer to give us some coins!"

Computer Problems

The senior staff are not in a good position right now.

For some reason the ship's computer has rebelled against us, and we are all trapped in Ten Forward by force fields.

The rest of the crew are isolated in their quarters or cannot move, due to the force fiels that surrounds them.

I'll try again.

"Computer! This is Captain Jean-Luc Picard. You will remove all forcefields and return to normal."

"Unable to comply."

"Why not."

"Authorisation not recognised."

Betrayed by a heap of circuits!

I'll try the old standby of asking the others so that it loiks like my idea at the end of it all. That is the first rule taught to us when we assume the rank of Captain.

"Suggestions, anyone?" I inquire.

Riker, Deanna, Worf and Beverly look blank, as if they have been in last place on 'Jeopardy'.

"Mr La Forge?"

"Can we switch the engine off?"

"How do we do that from here?" asks Worf, with a disgusted look.

"Perhaps we can reboot the computer?" suggests Data.

"How would that be possible?" I ask.

"We could set up a neural link with my positronic brain to any computer interface here in Ten Forward. I could send an instruction to switch off. It might even help find out the cause and counteract it."

I am totally confused, but tell Data to go ahead.

He opens a circuit in his head and links a wire to the interface. It lights up and Data's eyes start going around. Then he falls asleep."

"Do not do this again, or Life Support will be removed!" the computer tells us.

"I've got an idea!" says Riker, "We could try the Sid Manouvre."

"Yes, Number One, that will work!"

Geordi goes white.

"Captain, you know what will happen to the circuits...."

"Yes, Mr La Forge, but our situation is desperate."

Riker goes to the replicator and asks for a hammer. He goes under the computer interface and starts hammering at the circuits. The lights start flashing on and off. Eventually, they go down and restart, this time without the forcefields.

The computer responds to my Command Codes. Data is awake again.

"Well done, Number One." I say, "The Sid Manouvre needs to be written into all Starfleet manuals."

"What do you think it was?" asks Deanna.

"I don't know, Counselor. We may have cured the commom cold, but over four centuries, computer blips are the biggest puzzles of all."