Thursday, December 07, 2006

Enterprise Christmas Party (Part Four)

We're midway through the party and a quintet of guests are showing up...

First of all with Erifia Apoc

I stood on the Enterprise. Captain Picard, one of the men I did Last Gladiator Standing with, had invited me. It was his Christmas Party. I do not celebrate the Earth Tradition of Christmas. It is lost on me. But I understand their need for it.

It's a religious ceremony of some kind that was corrupted by the corporations of the world to be a holiday of materialistic value only. It amazes me how for thousand of years a tradition survived.

As was custom on their planet, I brought the one who invited me a present; It was a lightsaber, in a box about twenty sizes too large for it, and it was packed tightly do it made no sound when rattled.

I made sure to put it with the other presents, it was marked, "To The Good Captain, from Erifia Apoc." I then searched for my host, he was going to be a very, very busy. I found him mingling, and I smiled and tipped my head.

"Happy Christ Mast," I said to him.

"Christmas, Miss Apoc. And Merry Christmas is the proper term," he responded and he gave me a hug and a kiss on both cheeks.

"Merry Christmas then, Captain," I said with a smile.

"To you as well, Miss Apoc… I would love to speak to you more-"

"But you're very busy. I understand. I got you a very special present, I hope you enjoy it."

I had heard many times in my galaxy about a group known as Borg. So I sought a member of this race. I found one. She was avoiding contact with other people. And she was flanked by two Borg men; or at least I think they were Borg men. I approached. She was of some important because my approach made the guards tense.

I bowed, "Are you a Borg?" I asked.

"I am the Queen of the Borg," she responded.

"Forgive me for not respecting your position, I was unaware."

"I do not understand why all people cannot be like you. You are a fascinating being yourself. I've never seen one of your kind before. Would you be interested in Assimilating?"


"The object in general is to put you into the collective. To enchance you with technology from the other races, and to take your strengths into the hive-mind. What do your tails do?"

"It's complicated, they act like extra brains."

"Really, I will give you signing bonuses and a planet of your choice."

"I'm a Jedi too."

"Really!?" She seemed ecstatic. She was bubbling, "Anything else I should know about you?"

"I don't know; I'm a different race on my father's side, way, way, up there."

"Which one?"

"Species 8472."

"Get away!" She hissed.

I did as ordered. I decided to speak with Guinan. I seemed to remember speaking to her a couple of times before. So I sat and spent the rest of my time with her. She wasn't as popular as some of the other guests.

If you'll excuse me, I am going to get smashed.


Looking a little scary is Hotstuff or HS as he likes to be called.

So Mom was making me go to this Party in the 24th century… I figured it would be some lame diplomatic yahoo so I asked if Kon could come…. I thought my best friend would be bringing girls but No. He insisted that we go stag because the alien girls were hot and we had a good excuse not to call them back the day after…

One minute we are at home… Mom was fussing at me inviting Kon, she thinks he will do something inappropriate… well while Mom was fussing they * beamed us up*

I remember seeing the Captain when I was little…. The party was full of all kinds of people from the blogger-verse… Kon finally arrived and we sat trying to get drinks from around the bar but the bartender kept smacking our hands…

There were a whole bunch of girls… Some human, some aliens… some wearing Starfleet uniforms some wearing other types of uniforms.. some cute, some exotic and some really hot ones…

"Hey HS, distract the Guinan woman while I spike the egg nog." Kon said, "I will use my super speed"

"Hey Miss Guinan, have you ever seen a super devil?" I asked and she gives me a look… Simply it wasn't working until this person named Q showed up… He distracted her real well and Kon and I spiked the eggnog…

I tried asking several of the attendees to dance but they didn’t seem interested… I went to this real pretty girl….

"HS, careful Klingons bite." Kon laughed.

Logan came in with Ana and Laura….

"Kon, look it's Laura…" I said and then waved to her… She nodded… "Hey Kon, being my best friend and all think you can cover for me?"

"Sure." He grinned…

I slipped out with Laura and we went exploring the ship… We were holding hands walking in the corridors and ducking and dodging people…

"WOW! Look HS" Laura said as we entered the engine room…

"Man, it has a wreath hanging from it…" I laughed… then we heard voices….

"Security; this is the engine room!" Oops we were spotted. Laura popped her claws out…

"No, no Laura this way…" I took her hand and we ran into something the men chasing us called a Jefferies Tube..

We came out to a beautiful arboretum where we sat under a tree looking out at the stars…

I leaned in to her, "Merry Xmas Laura…" then kissed her just as we were grabbed by men in yellow uniforms… well at least we were put into the same holding cell… I am so glad I came to the party after all…


Well the brig is starting to fill up; I'm glad we got them cleaned.


Miss Cellania has just entered Ten Forward.

I was quite excited by the prospect of a Christmas party aboard the Enterprise. At the same time, I felt a bit apprehensive, considering what happened the last time I attended one of Captain Picard's parties. I mean really, I love to sample all the different kinds of ... "refreshments" from the different worlds they visit, but I always manage to embarass myself. And I don't even know it till the next day! So I dressed down a bit, dark clothing and no holiday sparkles.

So much for showing up unobtrusively. The moment I walked in, people came up to me to remind me what a spectacle I had made of myself at Captain Picard's 300th post party. Yes, I had done a fine job as guest commander while the others had their fun, but afterward I did imbibe quite a bit much... but I don't even want to relive that now! I need a drink.

And another. These are all so delicious! And the food, exquisite! They made toast after toast, to old friends, to enemies, to lovers and strangers... I lost count after they asked me to proppose a toast. In fact, I don't remember much at all after that.

I really should call one of the other guests, (maybe Deanna, understanding soul that she is) now that the party is over, and see just kind of ass I made of myself. Or maybe not.

Forgive me, Captain!


All the men's eyes have looked around. Vampirella has walked in!

Miari and I held hands as we waited… Justice anxiously held our invitation and HS was pouting about not being able to invite Laura as his date…

The Captain and Beverly was standing to greet us…

I stepped forward, "Captain, Doctor, allow me to introduce my fiancé Miari Briefs… My son Hotstuff…."

"HS mom! Geez…" Hotstuff interrupted… and I sighed…

"...and my daughter Justice…" I motioned to Justice… as a hand full of young cadets entered to give the Captain something.

"WOW.. the boys are so cute in those uniforms!" Justice exclaimed as they left and Miari began to growl…

"Captain I would like your meanest security guard to watch Justice while we are here! Someone that will keep the..." Miari looked at the young man at the controls waving at Justice, "...trouble makers away."

I lowered my head in my hands and Dr Crusher smiled, "Don't worry you're not the only one with teens."

The Party was real nice… however the entertainment made Miari nervous… My Dad came and I saw several familiar faces….

"Blood Wine?" a friendly bartender asked…
"Oh no, it isn't real blood and I have a strange reaction to it… " I said…

"Actually this is real blood, saved it just for you." She poured the blood in the glass…

Miari came over; "Dance?"

Miari and I danced and was having a great time… Miari pulled me close and whispered in my ear, "Not sure how but there is mistletoe dancing like magic over everyone's head."

After a Xmas kiss that last some time we continued to dance….

I saw my adopted son Hotstuff he was with Kon eyeballing some alien girls… Cardassians, Klingons, Denobulans, Betazoids… I think there was a young girl for practically every race known… and my son was being coached to approach each of them…

"A lot of people here." Miari said looking also at our son…

"The Enterprise Christmas Party is one of the most popular events I know of." I sighed…

"Next year let's leave the kids with a sitter." He said

Miari and I stopped dancing to mingle with the crew a bit. I noticed Hotstuff missing…
Miari and I asked Kon where he was…

Kon shrugged, "There was this cute alien, large cranial head… Tavana."

Lt. La Forge choked a bit, " The Klingon Ambassador's daughter?"

Miari and I looked at him and the android Data and at the same time asked, "Should we worry?"
Geordi and Data looked at each other and smiled nervously as they turned toward their dates…

"Miari, next year no kids." I said.


Lastly today, we have Septina Nash

I was back in the Jurassic Era on a dinosaur photo shoot with my triplet brother Quinn, yadda-yadda-yadda, we found ourselves aboard a Borg Cube in the 24th Century. Quinn thinks I watch too much Seinfeld, but that "yadda-yadda-yadda" thing really cuts down on the

I pulled out my tape player and pressed record. "Stowaway's log, Stardate blah-blah-blah point three, Septina Nash reporting..."

"Shhhh!" Quinn hissed at me. "Do you want them to find us? This place is crawling with robot-things."

"They're Borg," I told him. "They're half-robot and half-person, like how a centaur is half-horse and half-person except that these guys are all icky and high-tech."

My brother's jaw dropped. "Borg? Like in that old sci-fi television show? Why the heck would you have brought us here?"

"Shhhh!" I said. "Keep your voice down. These guys are very dangerous."

We were hiding in an alcove, unable to move because three Borg drones were working in the room in front of us. For some reason, they seemed to be baking a very large cake. One of the drones spoke up. "Five of Four, this batter will require additional quantities of nutmeg."

"Nutmeg is irrelevant," the other drone replied.

"Three of Eighteen is correct," the third drone stated. "Nutmeg is a seasonal spice which the humans utilize in all dishes associated with their seasonal festivities."

"Seasonal festivities are irrelevant," Five of Four intoned.

"No, they are not!"

"Pi of e-Squared, you should realize by now that it is futile to argue with Five of Four," said Three of Eighteen. "When he gets in a mood like this, all things are irrelevant."

"Irrelevancies are irrelevant," Five of Four agreed.

Back in our alcove, Quinn groaned. "Why are we even here?" he whispered to me.

I took out my tape recorder and spoke into it again. "While on a diplomatic mission to the Gamma Quadrant, a member of our away team has run afoul of a local law regarding beef jerky and tartar sauce..."

Quinn shook his head. "Try again."

I rewound the tape and started over. "While delivering medical supplies to Deep Space 7, we have encountered a colony of living tapioca pudding in one of the storage bays. I believe it may be a whole new form of sentient life which would, naturally, be superior to us in every way..."


"Come on, Quinn, get with the spirit. These Next Generation plots virtually write themselves!" He pouted helplessly for a moment before I gave in. "Fine. If you must know, I thought this would be the perfect place to pick up some batteries for our camera. We ran out after the first T-Rex."

Quinn stared at me. "A Borg ship? Really? The CVS Pharmacy down the block wasn't good enough for you?"


"These things run on nanotech, Sep. They're not going to have AA-sized batteries lying around. Couldn't you have just switched the camera batteries with the ones in that cassette recorder you keep waving around?"

"Oh, hey! Great idea!" This was the reason why I took my brother along on these adventures. I switched the batteries and the camera powered right up. "Okay, stand in front of that lightning-plate thing that looks like it came from Sharper Image. That's it. Now say cheese!"

It might have been my voice that tipped the Borg off about our presence, or it might have been the camera flash, but I think it was Quinn backing into a stack of aluminum blocks and toppling them over.

"Intruders!" shouted Pi of e-Squared.

"Intruders are irrelevant," stated Five of Four.

"They shall be assimilated," said Three of Eighteen.

"We do not have time to assimilate them," said Pi of e-Squared. "We are already behind schedule in preparing this oversized cake for the Enterprise Christmas Party."

"Enterprise Christmas Party?" I asked. That sounded like fun! "Can I come?"

"You have not been invited," said Three of Eighteen.

"Invitations are irrelevant," stated Five of Four.

"Give it a rest already," Pi of e-Squared told his fellow drone.

"You need me," I insisted. "I could instruct you in the ways of Christmas! I've memorized all the dialogue to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special, and that's sure to inspire you to make a better cake."

"And what about him?" Three of Eighteen pointed at Quinn.

"He could be the Baby Jesus who jumps out of the cake!"

"What?" Quinn demanded.

"Every Christmas cake needs a Baby Jesus to jump out of it. It's a tradition!"

"We accept your assistance," said Five of Four, "even though your assistance is irrelevant."

The Borg made the cake in sections and placed Quinn inside before adding the icing. "Can you hear me in there, Quinn?" I asked.

"I hate you for this, Septina," came Quinn's muffled reply.

"Don't worry," I told him. "This is going to be great! And isn't it lucky that the Borg were able to find swaddling clothes in your size?"


Lots more entries still to come on this seven-part occasion!


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

OMG Septina, that was one of the greatest Borg encounters I've ever read. Much funnier than that one where they try to assimilate the Easter Bunny

Warbird said...

LOL I agree jon that has to be the best borg encounter I have ever seen written

Justice said...

okay do I have to be baby sat I mean I am old enough that I do not need a klingon watching me

Nepharia said...

Oh Captain, I am SOOOO sorry that I forgot to submit my tale of your party. I'm afraid that after dancing with Data (he is very talented dancer for an android), I ended up going with Worf through his training exercise on the holodeck. After that, we wound up drinking a great deal of blood wine and I woke up the next morning in the brig. I wasn't exactly sure of my infraction, but it must have been a good time.

Nic said...

HAHA! Septina - "I've memorized all the dialogue to the Charlie Brown Christmas Special", that actually made me laugh out loud.

Jaime said...

LOL! This is a great party!!

Erifia Apoc said...

Thanks for the invite Captain.

Miss Cellania said...

You sure know how to throw a party!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Sounds like you've got a swinging party going on!

Anonymous said...

Yadda-yadda-yadda that Septine Nash is funny :D


Jean-Luc Picard said...

Great to know you're all having a super time. More bloodwine, anyone?

Miss Cellania said...

Y'all come by my place today. I've got a roundup of links called "Sci-Fi Christmas" inspired by Captain Picard!

Anonymous said...

I can tell this is an exclusive party and I feel privileged to be part of it.

Jedi Healer said...

Captain, just a word of warning you may want to watch Erifia and her drinking. I'm not sure how much she has had to drink but I'm sure it's enough that you'll have to open a spare room for her to sleep most of it off.

And I don't know what Bloodwine is but if you would be so kind as to send a bottle home with Erifia so that I may run a few test on it. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

What a party!!! I would have come but I was afraid as small as I am someone would step on me!

Anonymous said...

i really smell chocolate, i will continue to wander around aimlessly looking. there must be a chocolate fountain in here somewhere. deanna? dear, where are you, and are you hiding the chocolate? bee

abrowncow said...

i don't know a soul here! great party!

hello from Michele's

Catherine Detweiler said...

Here via Michele's. As a long-time Trekkie (no, not a Trekker), this is a party I'd love!

Anonymous said...

Hi! Here from Michelle's too. I unfortunately am not much of a Trekkie. My dad was though. Live long and prosper!

carmilevy said...

Funny, I never thought of the Borg as a socializing entity. Cool thought!

Back from Michele's

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