Geordi The Bore?

Guest Poster: Geordi La Forge


I get the idea that many colleagues here on the Enterprise consider me somewhat of a bore. I can't think why, as I've always thought of myself as a hip and groovy kind of guy.

This morning I woke up and had breakfast. I thought I would do something really daring and innovative. Yes, I went for Rice Krispies instead of cornflakes. At the same time, I talked to a new intern about my stamp collection. Soon after, she left, saying she had to return a book to the library. Strange, that, as I didn't think we had a proper library, only the Kindle Computer.

Then it was off to Engineering to repair a power point. After I finished with the sonic screwdriver, I asked the pretty lieutenant who was on board en route to Tetris III, the computer world whether she wanted to have some fun in the holodeck. She laughed, then told me she had to go and wash her hair. Strange, that, as members of her race were bald.

Then it was lunchtime in Ten Forward. I talked a little to Deanna, but she kept falling asleep. Perhaps she had had a busy night?


Anyway, I went out and.....

Computer Note:  The Log Recorder had to shut itself down at this time, as it couldn't take any more.

Out Of Fashion

 Guest Poster: Deanna Troi.

Being in suspended animation was a complete disaster for me.

After all, I am always on the pulse of the Federation fashion scene, even more so than that Kalinda Kardashian, who parades herself around in her scanties.

You can imagine my surprise when I went out on the first night after returning from our long haul, presumed lost in space. What did everyone say? Certainly not "Welcome back." More like "That outfit is so yesterday. No one is wearing that sort of thing anymore"

Red faced, I beamed myself quickly to the Starfleet Mall and maxed out my clothing allowance, which had grown to a huge amount due to our absence.

While getting a mini dress, I saw Bev trying out a few new items as well from the racks.

Do you think this outfit looks good one me?" Bev asked, "I think pink would be great for evenings out."

"I guess so." I said through gritted teeth. I would have bought that outfit if Bev had not goy her mitts on it first.

A while later, I was back on the Enterprise trying out the range of new outfits.

This is a good one.  They should see me through the next year. Unless Jean-Luc sends the ship the wrong way again and we do another Rip Van Winkle.

In Sick Bay

Guest Post: The Doctor


"What is the nature of your medical emergency?" I say as I'm switched on. Sometimes I wish I had a different opening line.

Captain Picard is there.

"Doctor" he says, "The Enterprise has been in suspended animation for the last three years. I will need you, Doctor Crusher and Nuirse Delmara to help out with any stress the crew may have from learning that their loved ones have aged while they haven't."

The Captain walks out while I ponder this.

Three years? Another human foul-up I suppose.

Beverly approaches. I suppose she will want to take over the running of everything. Some things never change.

"We could have quite a rush of people, Doctor." she says, "Some of the crew might be very panic stricken about the outside universe ageing while they haven't. Give them a supply of stress pills."

Yes, sure. A stress pill is the answer to everything.

Penelope Delmara gives me a beaming smile and hugs me.

"Oh, Joe!" she exclaims, "It's go good to see you again. Though it seems like yesterday, I've missed having you around."

I must admit, I've missed her too. My personal nurse is the only one who calls me Joe. I must admit, I rather like it.

The first crewman comes in, holding his head as if it is going to fall off.

"I can't believe it." he says to himself, "My wife has probably got a new lover by now."

If she has any sense, she will, I think to myself.

Time to start giving out the stress pills. Before long, I might be wishing I could have one as well.

Woken Up

What's this then?

I wake up after a good night's sleep and the ship's chronometer tells me that three years have elapsed.

That's what I call some sleep!

I hurriedly call a conference; Data tells me that we entered a cloud which put the Enterprise in suspended animation. Sensors could not penetrate it, so the Federation could not detect our presence. Only now, with solar activity nearby, did the cloud's composition weaken, and allow us to emerge and wake up.

 Deanna is very upset about all this.

"It means I'll have to get a whole new wardrobe!" she wails, "All my clothes will be out of fashion."

I roll my eyes at this, and decide to contact Starfleet right away.

"Picard!" snorts Admiral Bullockwhen I use the videoscreen to contact him, "We thought you were all dead. Do you know how much it's cost the Federation to have a funeral for every member of your crew? Now we'll have to rewrite everything and get you back on to our files."

"I'm sorry sir." I start, "But it was beyond our control. We had entered a ...."

"Yes, yes.." Bullock snaps, not wanting to hear any more, "Just report back for a debriefing."

"Very well, sir." I reply, "Has anything important happened in our absence?"

"No, it's been very quiet." the Admiral replies, "It seems like we only get trouble and universe-threatening problems when you are around. Now that you are back, we'd better strengthen our defences."

The videoscreen goes off, and I turn to the crew.

"Well, it looks like the Enterprise is up and running. We'll have to see what is going on in the universe."

TWQ: Disappointments

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at letdowns and disappointments.

What sort of letdowns and disappointments have you ever had? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Two weeks ago I was told that I wasn't going to get a job I applied for, although I felt certain that I would.

* Earlier in the year, I was told I would be in the group facing mandatory redundancy, despite having worked there for 36 years.

* A necklace I sent off for as a present for someone turned out to be a cheap-looking item that was made in China.

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: Lost Items

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about whether you are a loser. That is to say someone who consistantly loses items and never finds them again.

Have you lost things never to find again, or have found after a long time? List as many as you wish.

My answers are (although it is mainly my dad that does this!)

* Tube for mouthwash
* Driving Licence
* Key to get out into the garden

Now it's over to you...

Shopping With Bev & Kathryn

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi 

As we promised her, Bev and I are taking Kathryn Janeway on a tour of the Starfleet Mall. She has been away for seven years. Her fashion sense is pretty shocking. Kate is wearing clothes that I wouldn't be seen dead in.

If anyone asks who is dressed in that strange garb, I'll just have to say I don't know who she is. Kathryn joins Bev and I and we set off.

 "Bev and Deanna." she says, "I want to thank you both for taking me out here to see the latest fashions. It's been so long since I've had a good shop..or a real drink for that matter."

Beverly explains that she and Kate used to go out and cruise the bars, getting drunk many years ago. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. It's not the Bev I am used to knowing, but we all did things differently in our younger days.

"This is the 'in' thing right now." declares Bev, pointing at a shop window. There is an elegant dress there, with a split cut to the waist.

"It's a little daring." comments Kathryn, "Not only that, it looks transparent."

"So it is." Bev agrees, "But you'll look great. Go and try it on.

We push the reluctant Kate into the shop. She goes to the changing room and comes out to see what we think.

"You look fabulous." we agree.

"You don't think I'm showing too much leg do you."

"Not at all." I answer, "The fashion now is to expose the legs. In other words, legs are 'in', Kathryn."

"It's a good job I didn't wear this on Voyager." she smiles to herself, "There would have been quite a few glances in my way from fellow crew members."

The three of us leave the shop.

"I have to meet Will. now." I tell them, "We are going to the cinema to see Indiana Jones In The Care Home. See you later."

"That's all right." Bev replies, "Kate and I have got a lot of catching up to do in the local bars. We are going to drink each other under the table."

TWQ: Questions Not To Ask The Interviewer

For all those in a job interview, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks others to supply questions not to ask the interviewer

What questions would it be unwise to ask the interviewer in a job interview? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Do the female employees wear mini skirts?
* How many sick days am I entitled to?
* What time do you get off work, as I'd like to ask you out.

Now it's over to you...

Kathryn, Bev & Jean-Luc

Guest Poster: Kathryn Janeway 

Well, it's great to be back on Earth at last after seven long years away on Voyager. Next time I'll take one of those navigation devices that fit in cars. Tom Paris could never find his way around anywhere!

Would you believe it, the ship lands on Earth, just outside Starfleet Headquarters. Some bigwig comes on and makes me an Admiral!  All this for getting their ship lost for seven years. The logic of some people. I know B'Elanna wouldn't have been happy about it, but she had just delivered her daughter and was in no mood to complain.

Finally I get off board and go to my apartment. The mail that I have. Despite the regular items, seven years of junk mail is a lot, I can tell you that.

Eventually I have a hot bath and change. The door bell goes. I answer it and find it is Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher.

"Hello erm...Admiral Janeway." Crusher begins, "Captain Picard and I would like to welcome you back to Earth and congratulate you on your new appointment."

Kowtowing to the new Admiral! Before I left, seven years ago, Beverly was very much the friendly sort. We would hold each other up in the bars and come back drunk at night!

"Yes." Picard adds, "We thought we'd lost you when the Voyager vanished." It's so good that an invaluable member of Starfleet is back with us."

Oh puh-leeze! Pass the sickbag, someone!



"Call me Kate like you used to!" I yell out at last, "All this formality is driving me crazy! For seven years I've had to maintain top rank as Captain on a tin can at the other end of the galaxy. It's about time you let the Starfleet collar off!"

"Err...yes, Admiral...I mean Kate." Jean-Luc answers, still rather reluctant to address a superior officer in that way, even off duty.

Beverly is different. She stands up and hugs me tightly.

"Welcome back, Kate!" she says warmly. "I've missed you SO much!"

"That's more like it!" I answer, "Now remember, Jean-Luc, the next time you visit here, leave your starchy collar behind."

"Err..yes."

"Now, Bev, I haven't been to the Starfleet Mall in seven years, nor have we been able to go to the bar and have enough drinks that we get thrown out.."

"That's something we are going to have to do." Bev answers, "But be sure that you don't end up in jail. It won't look good on your Admiral's resume."

"Well it was already on yours and mine the last time we did it." I guess one more won't harm!"

Jean-Luc rolls his eyes. He always was the party pooper.

He won't be invited!

TWQ: Film Prequels

This week, TWQ (the Weekend  Question) invites you to submit some supposed prequels to famous movies. Time to get your sense of humour going!

List some supposed prequels to famous movies. Name as many as you wish.

My answers are:

 * Tomorrow  (the Day After Tomorrow)
* W Men (X Men)
* Men in Beige (Men in Black)
* Let's Not Bother About Kevin, He's Just Going Through A Phase (We Need To Talk About Kevin)
* Alice Lives Here (Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore)
* Hello Baby Jane (Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?)
* The Puppy of The Baskervilles (The Hound of The Baskervilles)

Now it's over to you....

TWQ: Time's Not On Our Side

TWQ (the Weekend Question) this week asks what jobs do you find you have too little time to do.

What jobs to you find very hard to do because there are not enough hours in the day? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Computer work

* Shopping

*Household work

*Job hunting

Now it's over to you...

Getting Old

Guest Poster: Worf

 "The indignity of it!" I angrily say as I storm back into the quarters that my wife Jadzia Dax and I share.

"Whatever has happened, Worfie?" she asks me, and gently rubs the bruises that I have.

"For the first time, I have been defeated by a WOMAN in a skilled competition. The Enterprise martial arts tournament was taking place and I was drawn against Jennifer Baxter."

"Oh dear..." Jadzia says quietly.

"Yes, well I thought she might be slightly tougher than the average woman, but still an easy victory." I tell her, "Anyway, before I know it, I was on the floor and Jennifer was victorious.."

"Oh dear..."she repeats,  "Well, Jenny is a trained fighter, and works out every day. She is toned, muscular and has taken on many in the past."


"Granted." I answer, "But she still should have been defeated by me!"

"Maybe err..." Jadzia hesitantly suggests, "Maybe you're getting a little old for that sort of thing? Jenny is young and fit, while you have been doing it for a while."

I am livid.

"Jadzia!" I exclaim, "I am a Klingon warrior, trained to fight the hardest of opponents right until old age. Klingons do NOT get old for fighting!"

"Sorry, Worfie." she answers, "Do you think you are hurt because you underestimated Jenny, and planned to gently defeat her? It sounds like she went for the quick flourish, hoping the surprise would defeat you."

"You may be right, Jadzia." I say, thinking carefully "Had we fought normally, I would have defeated Jenny easily. It is not an honourable way to win. Klingons have a Code of Honour which they abide by. Jenny does not."

I walk out again, satisfied that it was not a fair match I lost in, but think I can still hear the sound of my wife giggling as I do.

TWQ: Suspicions

Apologies for the inactivity here lately. Things are still going on in the real world that is cramping everything up that I could well do without. Anyway, today, TWQ (the Weekend Question) will be looking at what makes you suspicious.

What actions by others makes you suspicious of them. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* A book or TV programme at proclaims 'everybody in the country loves it'. Such a statement is never true.

* A building contractor who, when asked why he doersn't have any recognised badges of authority says, "Oh anyone can buy those."

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: Personal Superstitions

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about the personal superstitions you have,

What little superstitions do you have? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* When I was at the office, I didn't like to fill out a holiday form until I got back, in case something happened while I was on vacation.

* I never play Enya's 'Marble Halls' now as I consider it a 'death song'. I have only played it after a tragic event.

Now it's over to you....

TWQ: Summer Days

Now that summer is with us (in the northern hemisphere), it's time for TWQ (the Weekend Question) to see what you are doing.

What do you do when it gets very warm in the summer? List as many answers as you like.

My answers are:

*Though it's good to see blue skies for a change, excessive heat takes all energy out of me. A trip to the city had to be cancelled as it would be too tiring to walk around.

* I tend to stay pale and be in the coolest room in the house. A pleasant day with a good breeze would be far more welcome.

* Something I DON'T do in the heat is sleep very well!

Now it's over to you...

Shopping With Annika & Deanna

 Guest Poster: Annika Hansen














Going shopping with Deanna Troi can be a lot of fun. She knows every inch of the Starfleet Mall due to her frequent visits here. A lot of the owners give her a discount as they know she will come back in the near future.

"Is Seven going to make an appearance?" Deanna subtly asks of my other consciousness. I have to share my mind with the Borg version of myself. Sometimes she can intrude I don't want her to. For example, the other week, I went on a date, and it was just getting to the interesting part when she shouted "Resistance is futile!!" at my date. I must say, it was handy on that occasion, although I never saw him again.

"No, I don't think she'll appear today." I answer, "Shopping bores Seven, and she considers it irrelevent."

 "Good." she smiles,"It looks like it'll be just you, me and our money, then."

We go in quite a few dress shops and try on the outfits there.




 "Do you think Will will like me in this outfit, Annie?" Deanna asks as she steps from the changing room.

"So will all the other men on the Enterprise....and a few women as well., "I say,  "It's a little... opaque."

After some heavy duty shopping, we go past the Future Mechanics shop. Something there catches my eye.

"Oh, that looks adorable!" I exclaim, "I must have that!"

"You can't be serious, Annie!" Deanna gapes, "Where will it go?"

"Oh, I'll find somewhere." I answer, "I'll keep him charged up in my old Borg alcove."

Deanna sighs and says, "Very well, let's get it."

  "I wonder what the Captain will say?" Deanna muses.

TWQ: Impulse Buying

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about buying things on impulse.

Have you ever bought anything on impulse? Did you regret it, or did it turn out to be a great buy? List as many examples as you can.

My answers are:

* I bought an ingrained wood games table in Sorrento, Italy, but telephoned them when I got home and changed the order to a beautiful writing desk, which I love.

* I bought the novel 'The Book Thief' as it had such a distinctive cover. It was a super novel.

* I did buy a chess set with large pieces. It was quite expensive, and have regretted that.

Now it's over to you...

Waiting On Tables

Guest Poster: Lieutenant Britney 














"I'll have a double chocolate sundae and Will here will have a coffee and donut." Deanna Troi tells me as they sit in Ten Forward.

I am the waitress taking the orders today. The reason that came around is when a crewman said something insulting about me and T'Pol. I subsequently poured all my coffee over him. The crewman was reprimanded, of course, but Captain Picard thought that I can't just go around pouring drinks, so he made the punishment fit the crime, and I am helping Guinan for a week.

"Get a move on, Britney!"Guinan calls out, "You are without doubt, the slowest, most accident prone waitress I've ever had under my charge. In the few days you've been here, you've already broken more plates than a Greek restaurant on New Year's Eve."

I manage to carry Deanna's chocolate sundae to her without dropping it into her lap. It's a pity I had to do it with Captain Picard's cup of Earl Grey tea. It was boiling hot as well...

"Can I take your order please, miss?" I routinely ask the next customer before I realise it is my girlfriend, T'Pol, who smiles it me.



 "I'll have a kiss, followed by a Colombian coffee, you gorgeous looking waitress." she says with a smile.

I duly oblige with the first request, then go to get coffee. I bring it back without a hitch, and as it's my break, I sit with T'Pol to talk with her.

"How are you going with the waitressing, Brit?" she asks.

"It's not too much fun." I answer, "The replicators are going at full tilt making copies all all the plates I break."

"Hello babe, give us a kiss." says a tough crewman to T'Pol, when he walked up to us, then adds, "Oh, I forgot, you like the girls, don't you?"

T'Pol rolls her eyes then pours her Colombian coffee all over him.

"Can you get me another coffee please, Brit?" she asks, "I seem to have spilt mine."

"I think you'll be joining me as a waitress for a week, sweetie."

TWQ: Forgetful

As I clumsily forgot my seventh blogaversary (April 30th) due to so many thinmgs to think about in the real world, I thought the TWQ ought to be about forgetfulness.

What important things have you forgotten? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

*  My blogaversary
* The bag with all my coffee and lunch in
* Writing a Christmas card for someone important.

Now it's over to you...

In The Spa

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I am in the Enterprise Spa with Annika Hansen and the new assistant to the holographic doctor, Penelope Delmara. After lifting some rather heavy weights, we are all in the sauna, ready to relax.

Annika casts her towel away with ease, as does Penny. Why do I feel reluctant? After all, I'm a doctor. I know what the female form looks like! Is it because they are still so young, and I am um...more mature. Still, Jean-Luc has no complaints! I smile to myself.

Eventually I do take my towel off and put it down, and realise the other women take no notice. They are lying on the benches in the searing heat as we start to sweat.

"How are you liking it here on the Enterprise, Penny?"  I ask the Spanish woman, "Are you getting along with everyone?"

 















"Oh yes, Bev!" Penny exclaims, "Everyone is so friendly. Joe likes me in particular. I think there is a little romance in the air for me."

"Joe?" Annika asks in bewilderment, "Who's he?"

"The holographic doctor, Annie." answers Penny, "He told me he never gave himself a name, so I have said I will call him Joe until he finds a better one. Actually, I think he is going to keep it."

Annika rolls her eyes.

"How are you and Seven getting along?" I ask Annika, "Are your consciousnesses maintaining a steady truce?"

                                                 

"We are starting to get along and learning to respect each other." Annika answers, "Although there are some times when.....anyway, fortunately, Seven doesn't care much for the heat, so is not going to make an appearance while we are in the sauna."

"I must admit, it is warm in here now." I comment, as the sweat pours down. "Is everybody ready for a cool shower?"

They agree and we get up to open the door.

It's stuck.

"What is it, Bev?" asks a worried Penny.

I tell them and soon we are all pushing against the door, screaming and shouting to be rescued.

"I don't wanna die!" yells Penny.

"Control yourself." orders the more assured Annika, "We will be rescued soon."

I wish I shared her enthusiasm.

Ten minutes later, we are still beating on the door. It feels like our bodies are on fire.

Then through the little window, I see a figure passing. It is Will Riker. He sees us and comes to help. He undoes a catch on the door which must have slipped and opens it.

"Thank you, Will!" I say, hugging him, "We wouldn't have lasted another five minutes in there.

Riker looks inside at Penny and Annika, then at me. He gives a discreet cough. Then I remember.

We would have been wise to put those towels on first!