Sunday, February 18, 2007

Starfleet Spam

In the dark ages of computers, that is before they talked to us, and we actually had to use a keyboard and type messages on them, there was something called spam...

No, I'm not talking about that edible food that people used to have before it was oulawed and found to be dangerous for all.

This type of spam was sent by unscrupulous computer users in the hope they would answer them, and cause damage to their hard drive.

The trouble is, they seem to have returned here in the 24th Century; what's worse, when I switch my computer on to record my Journal, I have to endure the computer's voice telling me all these absurd things.

The fact that the computer sounds like Lwaxana Troi is even worse!

Here is what the computer said and displayed to me today...

Dear Mr Picard,

I am an inhabitant of the planet Idiota. I am well known there, as I am very rich, with a personal wealth of 24 quintillion Credits. As there has been talk of an uprising recently, I am keen to move my wealth off the planet as soon as possible. If you will give me the account of your bank, we can send it through there and split the difference. Thank you for your support.

Abeeg Frawd


Data happens to hear this at the same time.

"Perhaps you should help Mr Frawd, Captain? He sounds like he is in some distress."

I just hope that Data never gets any spam sent to him. Here is another..

Were you lonely on Valentine's Day? Don't be any longer with Date-A-Deltan! If you send us 500,000 Credits, you will get a beautiful woman from the planet Delta. She might be like Ilia or Britney (below)!

Lots of Deltans waiting for you!

I don't think Bev would be too keen me considering that. I hurriedly move on before anyone comes into the room.

Have a planet named after you! There are countless planets in the Delta Quadrant waiting to be named. Send us 50,000 Credits and you will get a signed certificate with a named planet! We will tell you what sort it is. If you're lucky, you might get an M-class planet that you'll be able to visit in the near future! Call us at Star Trick!

This is ridiculous! Just one more....

Are you embarassed at having to order 'certain medications' in the shops? That will happen do longer. Just do it over the computer. Everything will be in utter confidence, and you can look forward to your parcel. You'll know which one it is, as it has our label 'Embarrassing Medications' stamped on it.


I decide to try and call Admiral Jordan about this spam; I hadn't been able to get through at first. He comes on the screen.

"Sorry I couldn't answer the first time, Captain Picard." he tells me, "I thought your message was a spam one, as you put that in the voice title. Incidentally, I'm in a good mood, as I've just had a star named after me in the Delta Quadrant."

I groan.

"You haven't tried to get half of 24 quintillion credits, or get a date with a Deltan, or ordered any medication lately, have you, sir?"

He looks very red-faced.

"Err...yes, all of them, Captain Picard." he admits.

When I tell him that he is the result of being conned, he vows to close down all spam by putting them on scrambler, making them impossible to come on our computer.

I'm sure those in the 21st Century would have welcomed that happening.


Pat said...

I used to get the same sort of stuff from planet Africa. Have a nice night.
Michele says Hi!

Anonymous said...

I would love to have a planet named after me, what a wonderful legacy to leave behind.

Sunflower said...

I like Star Wars!

Thanks for stopping by my Sunflower blog!Welcome back any time.

I will Exercise for Comments!

Gyrobo said...

I once tried to compose a sonnet purely from random lines of spam, and I'm going to win the Caldecott for it one day.

Ciera said...


in keeping with Mr. Frawd's name .... my word verification was ABIGK lol!!!

Gordon said...

Hmm Spam, lovely spam, all I will say is my mail filtering program never goes hungry, it munches on spam all day..

Lahdeedah said...

I think for $50 you can become a Laird in Scotland and own a one inch square piece of land you can't actually do anything wtih, but technically, you can be called Laird, though I don't believe you'd get into any of the prestigious country clubs or golfing associations with it.

Could be wrong.

pads said...

Tell me about it even my nine year old dances round the house singing spam, spam, spam, spam, wonderful spam. It is very tedious to say the least.

Love pads

Linda said...

I don't know if there's a hole in the time space continuum lately or what but it seems that lately my computer has been assimilated by spam much like the Borg assimilated you, Captain, and turned you into Locutus back in 2366-7. Resistance has been quite futile and some of the annoying spam has even been invading my regular in-box while by passing the bulk mail folder that was programmed to receive such annoying subspace transmissions.

Sorry to hear that things are no better in the 24th century, perhaps you could dispatch Mr. Worf to alleviate the problem at the source? Must be a mainframe somewhere that he can take out with a phaser blast or two!

Professor Xavier said...

So Brittany is really an alien? That explains so much.

Christie O. said...

Spam is the enemy!!!
Britney looks completely scary. Yikes! Don't think I'd pay 500,000 anything for that!

Nepharia said...

Spam, spam, spam, spam;
Spam, spam, spam, spam;
Lovely spam, wonderful spam.....

Viamarie said...

SPAM! Is there a way they can stop this?

Have a wonderful week ahead.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Britnay would indeed have fit right into the crew of the Enterprise with that new look. DO you, however, have room for rebels?

Jana said...

You mean I won't be able to visit the planet Jana some day? How disappointing.

Mother Jones RN said...

I was hoping that we could rid ourselves of spam for good. Captain, perhaps Worf can track these spammers down and lock them up. The universe will be a better place and we will all be able to breath a collective sigh of relief.


Anonymous said...

I'm wondering if Abeeg Frawd is an alias for Richard Branson.

Warbird said...

oh spam is about as bad as splog

Pantha said...

I hate the emails that act as if its someone you know and then you read to find its not

Black Widow said...

well Data would not do well without supervison around a 2o century pc

He would end up bankrupting the federation trying to help every Mr Fraud, Startrick and Con-manner out there

Merlyn said...

Dear Captain, the Empire has a great method for getting rid of spam. It's called Lord Vader!



Jean-Luc Picard said...

You all have some great methods in dealing with Spam. A phaser blast would be most effective, but would not leave much left.

Linda, all spam could be sent through am empty hole in the time-space continuum, preferebably to the ice age.

Jana, I'm not sure if the inhabitants of Jane would like to be informed that a company on Earth has named their planet.

Black Widow, you're right there.

Ellee, I think you're right about Abeeg Frawd.

Christie, Deltans in the 24th Century are condidered quite attractive. Britney might be an exception.

Professor, yes, it does explain a lot.

Barbara, maybe Britney the Deltan will show up again? Wait and see!

Anonymous said...

Captain Picard, can't you just put up the shields? After all, it is a kind of attack...isn't it?

Anonymous said...

Abeeg Frawd! LOL I get e-mails from him all the time!!

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Wait wait wait, spam (the food) is dangerous? What's wrong with pork shoulder and ham injected into a metal can and what do Hawaiians eat now that it's gone?

Tawnya Shields said...

I just knew Brittney was not human and I know she eats spam.

Spam should be eliminated in all time frames. It is useless brain slime and should be eradicated with extreme prejudice. I care not for the promise of strange jelly pleasure rings and increasing size and girth to personal body parts. Especially mine! I am female! Grrrr....:o)~

Anonymous said...

Well Britney is certainly going through a bad time right now, I have written about her today in fact. Who knows what will happen to her.

True Jersey Girl said...

LOL at the pic of Britney, that is just too funny.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Jon, Spam was declared dangerous in the early 24th Century.

Squirrel, we ALL get messages from Mr Frawd.

Windwhisperer, even the shields at maximum can't prevent spam coming.

Amazing Gracie said...

Can't spam be used to fill worm holes?

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