Sunday, February 04, 2007

DeeDee Problem Page

I'm called in to answer a video message which has 'Urgent: Priority' on it.

Has the galaxy been invaded by super-beings bent on domination, or is it something far more trivial?

It's usually the latter.

A face I don't recognise comes on the screen.

"Hello, Captain Picard." he says, "I'm Perry Black, editor of the Federation Gazette; we've got quite a crisis on our hands here at the Gazette."

"What does this have to do with me, Mr err...Black." I ask him in puzzlement.

"Well as you know," he replies, "Counselor Deanna Troi has gone to an enclosed meeting for couselors on Revon VI, and cannot be contacted. However, she has forgotten to complete her column for the paper."

"What column?" I inquire. This is getting crazier by the minute.

"Didn't you know?" asks Black in astonishment, "Deanna Troi is the Agony Aunt on the 'Dear DeeDee' Problem Page. I know she keeps her identity a secret from readers, but I thought she might have told you."

"Well, she didn't!" I retort.

"Look, Captain." Black says, "We are desperate; we've got to have a couple of problems sent to us in an hour. Can you look in her files and pick a couple to do yourself?"

"What! you want me to...."

"You have her list of problems" Black reminded me, "Counselor Troi would have wanted you to do it."

With a grudging acceptance, I tell Black that I'll send some answers through Deanna's file.


A few moments later, I am in Deanna's office where her computer is. Fortunately, she doesn't have a password, and I see the file marked 'DeeDee'. There are a list of problems on her desk, so I look through them...

Dear DeeDee,

I am going to marry a girl who is now divorced. She has two children who hate me. How can I make them accept me as their stepfather?

Yours, Anxious Fiance'.

I think about this; handling children is not my best subject. Perhaps I should overlook this one and look for an easier one?

No, I'm supposed to be DeeDee, so I ought to answer it.

Dear Anxious Fiance,

There is only one thing that will work; bribery. Lots of gifts may seem expensive, but if it all ends up as one happy family, all well and good. If this fails to work, tell the children privately that you'll have them relocated to an outpost on the edge of the galaxy so that you and their mother can enjoy wedded bliss.



That seemed easy enough; let's try another....

Dear DeeDee,

I have been sent by my superior to live on a starship to see how humans live before we assimil...I mean before we get to know them more. The trouble is, I am having trouble fitting in. All too often, I seem to annoy people. They don't like it when I threaten them and tell them we are a superior race.

Awaiting your answer,

Not Fitting In.

Hmmm. I'm not sure, but this one seems like something that is familiar to me.... Sill, let's see what I can come up with...

Dear Not Fitting In,

You clearly have a problem that may be something to do with attitude. Never mind whether you are a superior race. Be more friendly to the others on the starship. Chat about the weather or everyday conversations in breaks and in the restaurant. Join in the fun, crack a few jokes and you will find the crew warming to you.


There, that was good. I send those off to Perry Black, and he thanks me for helping him and keeping 'Dear DeeDee' going. He also asks if I want to deputise in the future, but I quickly turn him down.


A few hours later, Seven comes up to me.

"Locutus." she tells me, "Did you see a document in Counselor Troi's office that I may have left there?"

"No, Seven." I reply, "I saw nothing there."

She appears to breathe a sigh a relief, but looks agitated when she can't find it herself. A little later she pretends to be alright.

"I need to go to my alcove and relax!" she says in a panic.

I wonder what that was all about?


Anonymous said...

That was GREAT! I laughed so hard at your advice about the children, Captain.

And with regards to Seven and the Dear DeeDee I smell a Part 2???

Merlyn said...

OMG more I tell you...that was hilarious!

Of course, I kinda have to wonder what sort of a mess Lord Vader would make with this job were he in your place!

I hope we get to read some more of Dear Dee Dee!

xxxs and oos

Anonymous said...

Be careful might not be advice they're after!

Erifia Apoc said...

Hey Seven, Force Love you, no-one else seems to.

Ciera said...

poor Seven

what will Deanna say though when she finds out you've been in her files?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

LOL! Great advice captain!

Viamarie said...

Hope they heed your advice.

Happy Monday!

Shelby said...

interesting blog - gave you a shout out on mine.. take care and happy day! :)

The Curmudgeon said...

I'm guessing everyone knew Troi was DeeDee except you, Captain, otherwise why would Seven have come 'round to Troi's quarters in an effort to pull that letter?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Ciera, I had to look in the files to do the column. If she'd have remembered, I wouldn't need to.

Curmudgeon, astute thinking there.

Hello to those who haven't visited before.

Anonymous said...

You did a great job but I don't think Seven's was meant to be published!!

Anonymous said...

I wonder how you can chat about the weather on a spaceship, do they notice the changes?

Jaime said...

One of your best experiences ever, Captain! You have to tell us what happened next!

And, yeah, how DO you chat about weather on a starship?

Warbird said...

Dear dee dee,

I like this guy but he is with this looser of a girl
So I got preggie but it didnt work
now I am on trial what should I do

No I didnt sleep with Windyman

Anonymous said...

wow poor 7 she seems to be like that not fitting in person ;)

Black Widow said...

bribery.. I am glad Nick has no children (that I know of)

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Great column, I think that you have yourself a second career there, Captain.

Tawnya Shields said...

I love Dear Dee Dee! Hope we see more of the advice column. :o)

Gordon said...

Oh My Jean Luc, I forsee a problem, good advice true but what happens when "Dee Dee" returns she's going to know it was you even if no-one else tells her and well that will be an interesting meeting but maybe not as interesting as meeting you've had or should the be "encounters" with Luxwana.

BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

What a great chuckle you gave me from this post!

Love the sentiment.

dragonflyfilly said...

well, i expect she will be "terminated" - Ms. Troi i mean - after that advice.

Mon Kapitano, sorry, but i have to say you stink at being a newspaper counsellor!


Oh I'm sure coming from a great captain like you, they'll heed your advice.

Professor Xavier said...

You should start a regular column.

Dear Jean Luc . .

On second thought, better use a nom-de-plume.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I seem to have had a lot of various comments about my advice style, ranging from taking it up as a second career and saying I was lousy at it!

Warbird, I think this one is for the real DeeDee!

Ellee, your mention of the weather is a coincidence, as you will see, Seven tries it with her social skills in the latest post.

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