New Years Eve

It's time to board the Enterprise again after our Christmas break.

Over the last few days, it has been in Space Dock being cleaned by the latest Starfleet techniques, so we are all ready to fly to uncharted parts of the galaxy.

After we've had our New Year's Eve Party, of course.

All of the crew are about to board, with me leading the way when we are stopped by a little old lady who is carrying a mop, a cleaning pan and a bucket. She is smoking a cigarette and already has another lit ready to replace it.


"Hold it right there!" she says, and then emits a wheezing cough.

"Who are you?" I ask.

"I'm Edna Smith, the Starfleet cleaning lady." she replies, "And I'm here to warn you not to make a mess of this ship again. If it hadn't been for the help of that nice Mister Q, I'd still be there now, working my fingers to the bone..."

"Q!" I exclaim, "Q has been on the ship?"

"Yes." Edna replies, "Such a charming man. A real friendly gentleman. It's too bad there aren't more people like him running Starfleet."

Riker laughs and I give out a grudging mumble.

"Now see here, Mrs Smith." I tell her, "You'll have to go, as we are on an urgent mission."

"You mean your New Year's Party?" Edna replies sharply, "Now let me tell you, Captain, "I saw bloodwine stains all over the carpets. Everywhere was a disgrace. Can't your crew behave themselves? If not, I can't let you on to celebrate the New Year."

There is a groan from the 1000 plus crew behind me. Worf steps forward.

"Now see here, madam." he tells Edna in an officious voice, "I shall be forced to remove you if you do not comply with the Captain's wishes."

"You would manhandle a defenceless old woman?" she tells him, "I've been doing this job over 50 years." Edna then proceeds to push the wet mop in Worf's face.

"How about if we let you come to the party, Mrs Smith?" I suggest, "After all, we are not leaving Space Dock until the party is over."

Edna contemplates this. "You're on." she says.

Somehow, I think this is what she wanted all along!

--------------------

It's New Years's Eve and the Party is in full swing in Ten Forward.



"How do you think the party is going, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks me, as Vic Fontaine sings another from his New Year set.

"Very well, Bev." I reply, "Edna Smith is enjoying herself. I can see Ensign Barclay was a little shocked when she grabbed him and tried to dance the Bossa Nova."



Ensign Britney came in her blonde wig, but it wasn't long before she tried to take of the microphone off Vic and wanted to sing an X-rated version version of Auld Lang Syne. Fortunately, Worf's team of security got to her and now she's in her natural habitat...the brig.

"What am I going to do with that girl, Counselor? I ask Deanna.

"I'm not sure." she replies, "She was the subject of a whole Couselor's Conference at one stage, but they all gave up."

"All right, folks," Vic shouts out, "It's nearly midnight. Get your loved ones near you and your lips ready..."

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?
Chorus:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

And surely ye'll be your pint-stowp!
And surely I'll be mine!
And we'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine.
We've wandered mony a weary foot,
Sin' auld lang syne.

We twa hae sported i' the burn,
From morning sun till dine,
But seas between us braid hae roared
Sin' auld lang syne.

And ther's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll tak' a right good willie-waught,,
For auld lang syne.

Bev and I both kiss, as do all the other couples. Seven Of Nine approaches me.

"I do not understand the lyrics of this song." she complains.

"Perhaps you should have assimilated Robert Burns?" I say with a wry comment. Seven leaves, none the wiser.

Beverly laughs.

"Would it have been a good idea to have all the Borg talking like Robert Burns?"

"Possibly not." I reply, "But they might have written a few good poems."

--------------

Author's Note:
To all the readers of my Journal, I wish them a very Happy New Year!

TWQ: New Year Resolution

As the year draws to a close, it's time to start thinking about things we are determined to do in the next. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at this.

What are you determined to start or stop doing as part of a New Year's Resolution? Add as many as you wish. Add a little humour as well!

My answers are:

1: Be more tolerant of other people. I tend to make too many snap judgements about some.

2: Clean out the VCR cupboard. I don't use VCR anymore. Make space for growing DVD collection.

3: Try and do them before the end of 2010.

Now it's over to you...

Q's Visit

Guest Poster: Q

With things so slack around the Q Continuum, events are just bor-ing. The rest of the council have barred me playing Interplantary Pool with three planets and a giant comet. They say we beings should be more responsible.

How stuffy can you get? I think that they must be getting old. Not that us Q beings ever grow old, but that's beside the point.

The only way to bring some brightness and to cheer me up us to visit my old friend Jean-Luc Picard on the Enterprise. I know he loves to see me and have a chat.

All right; that's not exactly true. He can't stand me dropping in, but I enjoy winding him up.

----------

I appear on the Bridge, wearing a Mexican outfit and singing a typical song extra loud, just to get him going.

There is nobody there; the Bridge is empty.

"What's going on!" I say to myself, this is not good.

Looking outside, I see the ship is in Space Dock.

Suddenly, the Bridge doors open, and a little old lady comes in with a mop, water bucket and a cleaning pan. A cigarette is hanging out of her mouth.



"Out of the way, dearie" she says, wiping the floor underneath me, so I get wet, "You shouldn't be here."

"Who are you?" I reply, "Where are the crew?"

"Don't you know it's Christmas, dearie?" the woman tells me, "I'm Edna Smith, the Starfleet cleaning lady. The crew have all gone for their Christmas break, leaving me to work my fingers to the bone in making this place look presentable."

She sits on her bucket for a moment, takes a drag on her cigarette, which makes Edna emit a wheezing cough that could strip paint. She then lights up another cigarette.

"I'm trying to give them up." she tells me, "I'm doing well. I used to smoke three a time, now I only do one a time."

Another wheezing cough later, Edna gets up, throws a half-smoked cigarette into the water bucket and lights another one. Her mop goes into the water bucket and carries on cleaning.

I decide to go somewhere else. The fair Lady Kathryn Janeway must be keen to see me. After all, those on Voyager haven't got anywhere to go.

Before I do leave, I blink, and the Enterprise is spotlessly clean.

-----------------



"What do YOU want, Q?" is Kathryn's first words when I appear on the Bridge of the Voyager.

"Why, my dear Kathryn." I say in a happy voice, "It is merely to wish you the compliments of the season."

"We'll all wish you a very Happy Christmas if you bring us back to Earth." Tom Paris pipes up. How annoying.

"You may wish that." I reply, "But it is against the order of things. You have the ability to get home by yourselves."

"Why are you here, Q?" Chakotay comments sourly, "Did the Enterprise throw you off?"

I give them all party hats and get Christmas music to play around the ship. A lot of the crew smile at this reminder of home.

"Thank you for that, Q" Kathryn says with a smile, "It is good for morale."

I suddenly produce a mistletoe and hold it over Kathryn hopefully.

"Don't push it, Q" she warns me.

Before she knows it, I have given her the fastest of kisses and vanished back into the Continuum.

That's the fun of being a Q entity. One can get away with things like that.

Happy Christmas From...

Well, it's time the Enterprise went into Space Dock and got a good clean up until we are ready to go where no one etc etc.

At this time of year, the ship is showing a little wear and tear, and we need it to look good. We can't go around with torn carpets, spilt bloodwine, and so on. It doesn't look good for dignitaries.

Before I do go, a few people have some things to say:

Beverly Crusher: Have a beautiful Christmas, and a long and healthy New Year, especially you, Jean-Luc.

Boothby: You whippersnappers. Make sure you don't do anything that'll put you in the brig.

Data: May I wish you all compliments of the season?

Guinan:



Hey, whatever you do, have a great time.

Kathryn Janeway: Is anyone there? Has the Alpha Quadrant been wiped out? Just in case anyone is listening, Happy Christmas.

Jadzia Dax: Merry Christmas to all, especially my Worfie.

James T Kirk: Have a wonderful time. Best Wishes from me and whoever my love interest is for this week.

Lwaxana Troi: Have a simply marvelous time, my loves! Oodles of kisses from Lwaxana XX

Annika Hanson: Best Wishes to all in Unimatrix Zero and to my friend Dr Katelin Shane Basil.
Sloan: Have a sly Christmas. Don't forget to report on your friends. We need information about them.

Will Riker: Enjoy a Number One Christmas.

Deanna Troi: May your happiness last all year, and be free of counselors.

Lieutenant Worf: Enjoy this human celebration. Alexander will be behaving himself.

Lore: Good wishes to all pychopathic androids.

Ro Laren: Merry Christmas to all races in the Galaxy, except for Cardassians. You know what I think of THEM!

Jennifer Baxter: To my Darling Data, have a joyful Christmas. Kisses from Jenny.

Wesley Crusher: Happy Christmas to my honeybunch, Karena.....and Mom, of course.

Toots: Hey, Johnny, have a fabbo Christmas and New Year, from your Moll, Toots.

Seven of Nine: Resistance is futile. Enjoy Christmas or be assimilated. Special wishes to my friend Sky.

Karena:



Christmas wishes to all women, and to my pumpkin Wesley.

Doctor: I wish you a healthy Christmas. If you make yourself ill through excessive drinking and eating, well don't come running to me. I warned you.

Reg Barclay: H-have a v-very H-h-h-happy Christmas.

Mirror T'Pol:



I wish everybody in the Terran Empire a fine time, and also to my sistah Britney!

The Borg Queen: May all your races enjoy Christmas and New Year. It may well be your last as humans if we can assimilate you. Believe me, a Borg Christmas is much more fun.

Borg Queen Troi: Enjoy this occasion you pathetic creatures. As for Deanna, remember that I'll get you someday.

Captain Beverly Howard: Beverly Crusher, you may enjoy Christmas while you can. I am your superior version.

Ensign Britney: To my soul sistah T'Pol. Looking forward to a year of heavy partying and hanging out together.

Ambassador Spock: It is logical that you enjoy yourself on this fascinating and festive occasion.

Geordi La Forge: To Trisha Lewis and all my friends...you have a far out time, now.

Q: Humans are so strange. They have all these occasions and parties. Any alien isn't allowed to invade at this time. Good luck with your celebrating.

Vic Fontaine: Hey, fellas, I've got a whole range of Christmas songs in my repetoire. Give the word and I'll tell the guys in the band to start.

--------------

After those messages, it remains for me to wish each and every one of you a very
Happy Christmas!

---------------

Author's Note:

The next post will be on Thursday night British time.

TWQ: Unwanted Presents

With Christmas almost here, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about those presents you dread arriving. This was borrowed from Mrs Mogul


Which presents would you NOT want to have? List as many as you wish. Add funny ones, actual ones, presents you had in the past or fantasy examples.

My answers are:

1: A Christmas card from Victoria and David Beckham

2: An 'Introduction To Scientology' course hosted by Tom Cruise.

3: A cup with 'Happy Xmas' on it.

4: A Ricky Gervais or Catherine Tate DVD

Now it's over to you....

Spock And Lwaxana (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Lwaxana Troi

Spock and I are imprisoned on the Kalaran Grel outpost planet. We were supposed to be attending Kalara as Ambassadors to oversee the peace initiative between the two civil war sides. The Grel are one of the sides, and want to keep us here to ensure the Peace Talks fail.

"Keeping us here is an act of agression against the Federation" Spock tells them in his official status.

The Kalarans take no notice. We are stiuck in a jail cell with a force field to prevent us escaping.

"Sit down, Spock, lovey" I tell him seductively, "They have told us they will release us as soon as the Peace Talks collapse. There must be something we can do while we wait for that to happen."


"Unhand me, Ambassador." Spock tells me firmly, "It is essential that we escape soon. We cannot allow the Talks to fail."

"I suppose you're right." I admit, "You're such a party pooper."

Spock gets up and looks at the force field control.

"Fascinating. This is a very complex mechanism" he tells me, "It has a reverse-loop quadrophonic phase adaptor. This is more advanced than what we are used to in the Federation. I fear we will be stuck in the cell until it is too late."

I push him aside. "Let's see what I can do. Sometimes a little bit of common sense can work wonders.

I get a hairpin and stick it into the controls. There is a buzz and a flash.

The forcefield is down.

"Fascinating." comments Spock.

"Men!" I exclaim, "They are so useless!"

We run into the corridors and encounter some guards. Spock quickly goes into them and uses his Vulcan nerve pinch.

I suppose some men aren't so useless after all.

After consulting the maps on the wall to the Cargo Bay, we find ourselves there. It's handy to have these maps around, otherwise we'd probably be in the Kalaran restaurant.

Alarm bells are sounding all over the base.

"That is not for a Fire Drill." Spock informs me. Perhaps Vulcans do have a sense of humour after all?

We soon find a small shuttle and get to the controls. Spock starts it off.

"Have you flown one of these before?" I ask.

"I have not, Ambassador" he informs me calmly, "However, all ships are basically the same..."

The ship jerks backward, then forward. Then we take off, managing to bump into a small rock as we head towards the sky.

"A few teething troubles there." Spock comments drily.

"There are some Kalaran battlecruisers catching up with us!" I tell him with all the nervousness I'd have if Deanna was on her wedding day.

"That is unfortunate." Spock says. I must admit that his method of understating dangers is seriously reducing his chances in the marriage stakes. Besides that, our survival stakes are going downhill very quickly.

Suddenly we see some photon torpedoes hit the battlecruisers, so we are able to go on our way.

"The Enterprise is here." I see on the sensors.
---------------

A few minutes later, Jean-Luc welcomes us on the ship.

"Are you all right Ambassador Lwaxana and Spock?" he asks, "We'll take you to Kalara so that you don't miss the Peace Talks."

"Of course we are all right, Jean-Luc!" I exclaim, giving him a big kiss, "Although we would have escaped anyway. I had plenty of hairpins."

Spock raises his eyebrow in his customary way. "Fascinating."

Spock And Lwaxana (Part Two)

The Kalaran authorities have just informed us that Ambassadors Spock and Lwaxana have not arrived at the planet for the peace talks between the two sides on their planet.

The two could have been kidnapped by the other side as to prevent the peace talks going on.

If so, the Enterprise will have to rescue them...and rescue Spock from the clutches of Lwaxana Troi. I noticed how the man-mad Betazoid was eyeing the Vulcan as a prospective husband.

I'm glad she's moved on from me!

Deanna comes up to me, looking distraught.



"Captain!" she exclaims, "Why aren't you doing more to find my mother? She could be suffering untold agonies at the hands of ruthless kidnappers."

More likely it's them that will be doing the suffering, if I know Lwaxana Troi. I turn to Deanna.

"Try to relax, Counselor." I tell her, "We are doing all we can, and will soon get to the point the Columbus was sighted.

------------

We find the shuttle floating in mid-space, with no occupants.

"It appears another ship was here." Data informs us, "The particle emission drive leading away tells us that it comes from the Kalaran Grel side, whom we suspected."

"Can we follow the trial and catch up with the ship?" Riker asks.

"Affirmative, Commander."

"Then make it so."

I hate it when we have to talk in standard Starfleet text. I can barely understand what I'm saying when I do. I'd love to just say "Catch up with the aliens and give them what for." Sadly I'd be drummed out of Starfleet if I did.

--------------

We travel at Warp Nine (or very fast), and soon the particle emission drive trail becomes stronger.

"Captain." says an increasingly annoying Deanna, "If we are not careful, the kidnappers could see us and injure my mother!"



"Don't worry, Deanna." I try to tell her, as the Counselor is grabbing my shoulder, "The Kalaran Grel base is is small planet in this solar system. We will go in with a shuttle where that anomoly is. That should confuse their sensors."

That's just gibberish, of couse. What I really mean is, of course, is I hope they are not looking.

To be continued...

Spock And Lwaxana (Part One)

Guest Poster: Lwaxana Troi

Well, I'll tell you that these ambassadorial meetings I have to go are so boring! Those people who I meet have about as much personality as a block of wood.

I'm hoping this one won't be so bad. I'm going with Ambassador Spock to the planet Kalara to help sort out the civil war problems they have had over the years. Their addition would be good for the Federation.

Ah, there is always something in it for us!

I know what you're thinking, lovies. Ambassador Spock isn't the sort of man with a bright and breezy personality. Well, I've checked into his past, and being only a half Vulcan, I'm sure he can become very friendly.

Who knows. A Vulcan and a Betazoid could be a good match.

There I am, thinking ahead of myself! Why do I see everybody as a potential husband for myself. I guess it's because I've been urging my daughter Deanna to tie the knot with Will.

---------------

Anyway, the Ambassador and I are going in the shuttle Columbus to Kalara. I have met him many times, of course. Oddly enough, he always seem to shy away.

Hold on, here he comes now. Don't tell him what we've been talking about. Promise?



"Greetings, Ambassador Lwanana." he says in that formal manner of his, "I'm sure together, we will be able to have some positive results on Kalara."

"I'm hoping for some before that." I say slyly.

"I do not understand, Ambassador Lwaxana." Spock tells me with a puzzled look.

"Don't worry about it, Spock, honey." I tell him, "Let's drop the calling each other 'Ambassador' routine. We've got a long flight ahead of us to Kalara"

I give him a big kiss, to which he responds with in a typical Vulcan style.

He doesn't do anything.

--------------

Several hours later, Spock is still just as he was. I thought a little Klingon bloodwine might help, but it doesn't help.

Am I losing my man-magnet touch, or have I just picked the wrong one here?

Suddenly we hear the sound of a noise behind us. Three armed aliens appear behind us.

"You are Ambassadors Lwaxana and Spock?" the lead one says, "You were going to Kalara to forge a piece initiative? We cannot allow that to happen. We see ourselves as the victors in the civil war. The other side must lose."

"We are here to help." Spock says as he walks up to one before knocking the Kalaran out with a Vulcan nerve clench.

Too late, though, Spock gets knocked out for his troubles and we get beamed off.

Somehow, I don't think this is going to end in the way I hoped for!

To be continued...