Lwaxana's Mother-Daughter Chat

Guest Poster: Lwaxana Troi

It's time for me to have a little chat over the video viewer with my darling daughter, Deanna.

Sigh.

If I had been on the Enterprise, instead of the Betazed Ambassador, I would have ensured that she and Will Riker got married a long time ago. I'd have been dragging her up the aisle.

As Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx, and Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed, getting Deanna married is a prime ambition of mine.

The screen flickers on, and Deanna appears.

"Daughter!" I exclaim, "It is so wonderful to see you again, although you and that delightful Will Riker visited not too long ago."

"Hello Mother." Deanna says, somewhat irrritatingly, "Yes I remember that. I am still squirming with embarassment over what happened then. You never left poor Will alone, with all those less-than subtle hints of yours."

"Whatever do you mean, my darling?" I say innocently, although I know what she is talking about. I had hoped Deanna had overlooked it.



"You know very well what I mean, mother." she says firmly, "Following Will and humming I'm Getting Married In The Morning, Chapel of Love or the Betazed Wedding March."

"I have to help your romances along, dearest." I stress, "Otherwise you'll end up left on the shelf, like your Great Aunt Philip."

"Yes, well there were reasons for that we don't talk about." Deanna says dryly.

"I think there's more chance of that Borg copy of yours getting married before you do, daughter." I reply, "Besides, that young Wesley Crusher is getting wed to that amazon. He's far younger than you are!"

"Mother!" she exclaims in exasperation, "It's the way Will and I have chosen to be. Eventually, we may get married, but we're in no hurry."

I sigh in despair. "Do you know whether Wesley's wedding will be like the Betazed ones?"

"Of course not, mother." she answers, "Everyone will be wearing clothes."

"Such a pity." I say, "I think our traditional naked weddings, in which the bride and groom, plus all the familes have to attend without wearing anything is delightful. It certainly helps break the ice between families."

"Everyone will be in their wedding outfits, mother." Deanna tells me.

"In that case, I'd better find a new hat and a dress." I reply, "It seems so much cheaper to do it the Betazed way."

Deanna sighs in exasperation.

"Goodbye for now, mother." she says.

"Goodbye my darling." I reply, "Always a pleasure to talk to you."

TWQ: Literary Character Best Friends

This week's TWQ asks you to think about which fictional friends you would like.

Which fictional book characters would you like as a best friend? Think of a reason, and list as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Galadrial (from Lord Of The Rings). She is so wise, knowledgeable and epherial, Galadrial would be good for dispensing advice

Wanderer/Melanie Stryder (from Stephenie Meyer's The Host). I'm reading this book right now. Wanderer is an alien who has inhabited Melanie's body, but both have active minds. I would get two friends for one body! They would give such different replies.

Now it's over to you...

Latest Borg Queen Message To Seven Of Nine

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

My dear Seven,

How are you? I hope you are keeping well on the Enterprise. Finding out about human behaviour and their ways is not an easy task, which is why I sent my best drone on this special mission.

Here in the Cube, One One and One Two, the drone interior designers are busily redesigning it so that it looks more trendy, with relaxing colours and feng shui to ease the stress of us all.

Your reports are always full of colour and are a great item to read at night when I am having my cocoa and biscuit before being put away.

The latest one did fill me with a lot of interest. You mentioned that the son of the resident Doctor , Wesley Crusher, will be getting married to an Amazonian named Karena in the near future. This is a definate human trait that I thought the Borg need to know a lot more about. After all, we hardly encourage marital relations amongst the drones.

Perhaps that is why they look miserable at times?



I know what you're thinking, Seven. That you will need to get a good report about the wedding. to your Queen.

That's not exactly what I want.

In truth, I want you to tell Locutus that I will be attending the wedding.

Yes, he might put up some hostility at first, and go neurotic.

Just tell him the usual threats and that we may assimilate the entire wedding party if I can't come. That should make him change his mind. I'm sure he will enjoy telling Queen Diana to make way for an extra guest at the wedding party.

When I've finished sending this message, I'll have to head straight to the Borg Milliners.

One thing for sure is that I'll need is a new hat.

I'll let you know the design when I get it. After all, the two of us can hardly go in the same style, can we?

Until the next time,

The Borg Queen

Picard's Official Review (Part Two)

I'm walking the grounds of Starfleet Headquarters with Beverly and Seven of Nine.

Two days ago, I had to be interviewed for an Official Report by Admiral Bullock. He was most critical of how much it costs to run the Enterprise, as it is attacked by alien hordes, and also some of the strange people I have as senior staff. Bullock said he would write his Report and let me know.

It could mean that I'm put out to pasture!

--------------



"Don't be so concerned, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me, "One look at your record will be enough to say what a valuable asset you are to Starfleet. They can't afford to let someone like you go."

"I think this Bullock is the problem, Beverly." I say, "He doesn't like me, and clearly thinks that Starfleet should be run by younger men, with dynamic Captains who shoot first and ask questions later."

"That's how it was in the 23rd Century." she reminds me, "Fortunately we are more civilised now."



"If you want to, Locutus." adds Seven, "I could assimilate this Bullock human for you."

"No Seven!" I answer hastily, "We can't solve all our problems by just assimilating everyone who we don't like the look of."

"Why not?" replies Seven, "The Borg do. Only we assimilate those we DO like the look of as well."

Sometimes I think Seven has a dry sense of humour or she is deadly serious. I'm not sure when she is using either.

Ensign Britney approaches us with T'Pol. Seven tells them about Bullock and his Review. Britney laughs.



"Is China Shop still here?" Britney laughs, "All the Cadets used to call him that, as in Bullock In A China Shop. I'm surprised he hasn't been fired yet."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well, the Admirals used to keep it very hush-hush." she confides, "They don't like any of their own involved in scandal."

All of us crowd round, eager to hear more from Britney.

"I don't want to go into too much details." she says, "But it involved a female Admiral as well as Bullock, plus a banned holodeck program called Daisy Goes To The Doctors. Starfleet thought it best to whitewash the event rather than throw the two of them out. Still, us Cadets at the time have ways of finding things out."

The rest of us look stunned. A lieutenant approaches me to say that Admiral Bullock wants to see me.

I enter his office, casually whistling.

"What's that you are whistling, Picard?" Bullock asks, "Don't you know this is serious?"

"Certainly, sir." I reply, "I was just whistling Daisy, Daisy. Do you know that song?"

Bullock looks a little uneasy, "Well yes."

"It's a favourite name of mine, so cheery" I say, "Does it mean anything to you?"

"Of course not!" he snaps back, "Now this Official Review..."

"I have DOCTOR Crusher outside, sir." I tell him, "Have you met the DOCTOR?"

Bullock grimaces and nods, "I get the point, Captain Picard. Despite a poor Review, I've decided that you should stay with us in view of your exemplary record."

"Thank you sir." I answer, and leave with a smile, rejoining the others.

"That's great." Bev tells me.

"Yes it is." I say, "And the next time Ensign Britney is due to go in the brig, we'll let her off."

Picard's Official Review (Part One)

I beam down to Starfleet Headquarters. This is the sort of meeting I dislike intensely. An assessment of how well I'm doing by some official who has never even left the planet.



So I'm having to wait in a Reception while some secretary, whose name is Jennifer according to the nameplate works on her electronic computer record.

"Admiral Bullock." will see you in a moment, Captain." the secretary says, "He is just finishing his lun....I mean his important document work."

After a while, a button goes off, which seems to wake Jennifer up from her intermittant make up and computer work.

"Admiral Bullock will see you now, Captain." she says somewhat apologetically, and point me to the door with his name on, as if he could he anywhere else!

"Come!" a voice beckons from within.



"Ah." he starts, "It's Picard of the Enterprise, isn't it? I thought it's time we had a little chat about how you've been doing."

"Yes, sir." I say somewhat demurely.

"I must say, we've had to repair your ship a few times, Captain." he starts, "I don't know what's holding it together now with the amount of repairwork it's had to have. Do you think you enjoy having it battered? Starfleet can't afford to keep patching it up."

"The Enterprise has fought a lot of battles." I say somewhat irritatingly, as if I want to throw a custard pie in his face, "If saving the Federation and the universe means matching the ship up a little, then so be it."

"Mmm." Bullock says to himself, then continues, "I must say, Captain, your crew leaves a lot to be desired. An android, a holographic doctor, a Borg drone, a rebel from an evil dimension two centuries ago, not to mention an Ensign who seems to be in so much trouble, she is mostly in the brig."

"All together, they are a fine group." I tell him defensively, "They may be unusual, but it's still the best ship and crew in Starfleet."

"Mmmm." Bullock again says to himself, and writes down some information on his page.

"Just what is this for, Admiral?" I ask, "Is it just a review or something more?"

"Well, Captain." he answers, "Every so often we have to do a review, as you say, but certain Admirals, and I won't say who, think you may have, shall I say, been in the saddle too long."

"You mean they want me to quit?" I ask.

"Oh, that's being too blunt." Bullock answers, "After all, you know what a generous pension allowance we at Starfleet have. You could relax on a farm with Doctor Crusher instead of worrying about the fate of the universe."

"How do you know anything about Doctor Beverly Crusher?" I say with annoyance, "That is not relevant."

"Well you can have whoever you like, Captain." Bullock answers as if he has been caught out, "I was only using the Doctor as an example."

"Mmmm." I say in similar way that he does, "What do you think of space travel I ask him."

"I've always been based at Starfleet Headquarters." Bullock answers, "I've never had the need to fly in a starship."

"Do you think you're qualified to ask me then."

"Careful, Captain." Bullock warns me, "I am an Admiral. I'll take my Report and see you with the findings in a couple of days."

To be continued...

TWQ: Backing Bands

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at those backing bands that front artists.

Can you remember the names of backing bands that artists used to have? The more obscure the better. List as many as you like.

My answers are:

The Sunsets (Shakin' Stevens)
The Dakotas (Billy J Kramer)
The Aces (Desmond Dekkar)
The Twilights (Phil Phillips)

Now it's over to you...

Captain Beverly Causes A Problem (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Karena

After the initial falling out with my pumpkin, Wesley Crusher, the two of us spent some time in 'making up'.

This was extremely pleasant, but we now have to find out why his mother Beverly Crusher told Queen Diana that Wesley was planning to run off with an Orion Slave Girl. Even the Rhode Island communications record proves he has had no meeting or talks with any. The Queen broke up the engagement and diplomatic relations.

It's up to us to put it all right. We are on the video monitor to the Enterprise.



Beverly is on the screen and he explains the situation to her. She looks horrified, as if she has won the lottery, but threw the ticket away with the trash. Beverly calls Captain Picard over.

The whole story is repeated again.

"I can assure you that Doctor Crusher has not been to Wondawowman during the last week." the Captain tells us, "She has been on the Enterprise all this time. She was in the SickBay, as a lot of crewmembers went down with the Jelibeli Virus."

The Captain sends via computer all the duty logs of the Enterprise personel, including the Doctor to us.

"I will forward this on to Queen Diana." he says, "Hopefully she will realise it was an imposter, and get the engagement on again, and also restore diplomatic relations."

"Of course!" Beverly thinks aloud, "Karena, do you remember the name of the ship the imposter travelled in?"

"Yes." I reply, "It was pink, and named the Dominatrix."

"Only one person pilots that." she tells me, "My lookalikie from the pro-female alternate universe, Captain Beverly Howard."

The videoscreen picture crackles and changes to reveal a different image.



"Well done on working it all out." says the figure, "Yes, I am Beverly Howard. It was all a lot of fun seeing you squirm on my monitors. Look forward to seeing you all again when you least expect it!"

The screen crackles again and returns to normal. The Captain and Beverly confirm they saw her on the screen as well.

-----------

A few hours later, my mother has been satisfied who the woman was, and confirms the engagement is back on, and diplomatic relations are restored.

"Actually." says the Queen over the viewer., "After this event, I see no reason why the wedding shouldn't be bought forward. It will take place within the next few months!"

I kiss Wesley.

"Pumpkin." I say with delight, "Soon, we'll be Warrior and Life Servant!"

Captain Beverly Causes A Problem (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

My honeybunch Karena and I are now Ensigns on the USS Rhode Island.

The two of us are enjoying some off-duty kissing when she is suddenly called to an emergency meeting on the video viewer.

"It's from my mother, Queen Diana on Wondawowman, pumpkin." Karena says, "I'm instructed to talk to her privately, it sounds like something serious has happened."

Karena gets up to go to the monitor in the next room. The door is sealed, but I can see her through the glass partition. The Queen is looking distressed on the screen.

A look of horror comes across Karena's face, and she grips her spear tightly; the whites of her knuckles are showing clearly.

It looks like somebody is going to suffer. I wonder who it will be?

Karena switches the monitor off and marches towards the door.

"Hello honeybunch." I say brightly, "I hope everything is all right."



"Don't you honeybunch me, Wesley Crusher!!" yells Karena. She slaps me on the face, then kicks on on one shin, then the other.

"I know the truth now!" she continues, "Your mother has admitted what you are planning to do!"

"My mother?" I answer, "What was I planning to do?"

Clearly I'm in some difficulties here; an argument with an angry amazonian is a bad thing.

"She's told my mother how you have been planning to run away and set up home with an Orion Slave Girl." Karena says, while getting her spear ready to ventilate me, "Not only that, my mother has ordered me to leave Starfleet and return to my home planet, as diplomatic relations have been abandoned."

"What about our engagement?" I plead imploringly.

"Both that and our impending wedding are no more." she states firmly, "Still, you and your Slave Girl wanted that, didn't you?"

I feel myself literally sinking in quicksand here. Right now, Karena is likely to throw me a heavy weight to make me sink faster!

"Karena!" I tell her firmly, "We've been together at the Academy and on the Rhode Island constantly together. When did I have the opportunity to see an Orion Slave Girl? There has never been one on this ship."

Karena stops sharpening her spear and thinks for a moment. She is beginning to think I'm right.

"If you are telling the truth, then why did your mother say these things?" Karena asks.

"Why don't we call her and find out the truth?" I ask, "Someone is trying to cause trouble."

"You're right, pumpkin." Karena says with her familiar smile, "We'll call your mother in a little while and find the truth."

"That's good honeybunch." I reply, "But why wait? Shall we call now?"



"Well, we didn't finish what we started before the viewer came on, did we?" Karena says with a sly smile, "After that, we'll sort the problem out."

To be continued...