Monday, March 15, 2010

The Birth Of Sheena (Part One)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

After being kidnapped by three power-mad amazons, my honeybunch wife Karena is taken to the SickBay of the USS Rhode Island, where she is about to give birth to our daughter.

"You don't need your spear in the operating theatre." says Doctor Ted, "Leave it outside and I'll ger a nurse too look after it."

Karena is wheeled in.

"How is she, Wes?" says a voice behind me.

"Mom!" I exclaim, "Whar are you doing here?"

"As soon as we heard Karena had been captured, the Enterprise came ro see if we could help." she answers, "However it seems like all was sorted out. I'm glad we came, as my granddaughter will be born soon."

My mom is joined my Captain Picard.

"Don't you think you ought to be in there with her, Wesley?" he asks, "After all, it is your daughter Karena is giving birth to."

"Karena said that amazons don't need the fathers to be with them when that happens." I reply.

"She may say that out of tradition." the Captain continues, "But inwardly, I think she'll want you with her."

So I walk into the SickBay and see Karena lying there. It took a while to get her maternity battle armour off before Doctor Ted could begin. I must admit, I'm feeling a little queasy about it all.

"Wesley!" barks Karena, "An amazon's Life Servant is not meant to be present during the bir..."

"I know, honeybunch." I interrupt, "But I think this is one time when I'm right and I should be with you."

Karena sighs and reluctantly agrees. Right now, she's in no position to contradict me. She starts screaming.

"PUSH!" shounts Doctor Ted.

Karena then starts to shout a lot of unladylike expletives, not the sort an amazonian princess .

"Get this out of me!!!" she exclaims, "Wes, if childbirth is this bad, you can forget about us trying for another! This is daughter is gonna bew an only child!!! ARRRGHHH!"

"I can see the head." the Doctor tells us, "Just a little more, Karena, PUSH!"

Another earsplitting scream comes from Karena, and I go to see Sheena being born.

The blood and gore seem excessive, and as the baby comes, the whole event is too much to take. I didn't know things would be that grisly and feel myself fainting, then falling on the floor.

To be continued....


Linda said...

Sigh ... typical milquetoast Wesley, nothing more than I expected!

Unknown said...

This is, I believe, a 'first' on the Enterprise Jean-Luc!

The Curmudgeon said...

You'd think that by the 24th Century, they'd have figured out how to take the mess out of childbirth. I seem to remember, back in the 23rd Century, Dr. McCoy doing brain surgery on Pavel Chekov without so much as shaving his head....

It's vaguely reassuring, though, to hear a new mother 300 years hence using the same sorts of language I heard way back at the end of the last century... when my own kids were born....

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking about this quiet much... and I agree with you to some degree.

Fly Girl said...

She was right, men have no place during an amazon birth.

Lahdeedah said...

Seriously. Leave technology to men. They can replicate Earl Grey, hot. They can beam people halfway round the galaxy. But it somehow didn't occur to anyone in five hundred years (or however many) to make childbirth painless and less messy?

So typical.