Sunday, February 22, 2009

Feng Shui In The Borg Cube (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Borg Queen

I always think it's going to be a bad day when I don't get my boiled egg in the morning. After all, everybody likes to have their soldiers with them

"Where's my egg?!" I snap at the Borg waiter at my table as he gives me my cornflakes.

"Excuse me, your highness." he replies in that rather snobbish voice through his mouthpiece, "But the chef says he had forgotten to order a fresh supply from the Borg Chicken Farm."

"Then have him disconnected immediately!" I command, "These chefs seem to be ten a penny. Try and assimilate a few from good restaurants. That should improve the culinary taste of the Collective."

"Very well, your highness." he says, with his nose still stuck up in the air.

I start to read The Borg Bugle. I know it might seem pointless as we all have a hive mind anyway, but it can be interesting to read what the well-dressed Queen should be wearing this season, and whether I'm in the scandal section.

Another drone comes up to me just after I've finished my cornflakes and am about to start on my toast. Nothing irks me more than an interrupted breakfast.

"Excuse me your highness." it says, just like the other one did, "But One One and One Two are here to see you."

I sigh. The drone is right. I had booked this appointment some time ago, so I have no grounds to complain.

One One and One Two are Borg interior designer drones, who are redoing the Cube in a set of relaxed colours, with feng shui laid out and a relaxation area like Ten Forward on the human ship Enterprise. The Troi Borg Queen despises it, of course, but the plans were sent to our glorious Leader, the Alpha Borg Queen, and she has given the go-ahead for our Cube to be used as a trial for the new design.

When they come, I ask about the plans.

"Oh they were SO last season, wern't they darling?" One One says.

"Indeed they were, darling." One Two answers, "Fortunately, we have the right designs to make your Cube the most fashionable one in the Galaxy. Before long, everybody will want to be assimilated just for a chance to be a drone on it."

One One opens the book he is carrying.

"Here is a most charming rock garden." he says with pride, "Fully decorated in a feng shui style, it leads from the Assimilation Chamber to a perfect place for the tired drone to relax."

"Very good." I comment, "What else do you have?"

"Just turn the page, your highness." One Two replies.

To be continued...


Kathryn_janeway said...

Rock garden in a borg cube - lol What next a psychiatrist? love it!


The Mistress of the Dark said...

Boiled eggs? You know I've never had one cooked that way. Maybe I could share one with the Borg Queen

Amanda said...

A Feng Shui cube??? I think the borg have too much time on their hands!

eastcoastlife said...

I can recommend a good Fengshui Master. :)

The Curmudgeon said...

I think the Borg Cube may lose some of its menace when the industrial greens and blacks are softened with pastels... what next? Smooth the Cube's edges?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

ECL, I think the Borg would benefit from the Feng Shui Master.

MOTD, I have a boiled egg every weekday morning.

Kathryn, I psychiatrist might be a good idea, but they know what each other thinks anyway.

Amanda, it makes the place look pleasant.

Curmudgeon, I think the Borg Queen wants the Cube to look less menacing.

Linda said...

What is the universe coming to when a Borg cube has to be Feng-shui'd?! Though I might suggest a water fountain, it helps to bring in harmony!

Unknown said...

Captain: I've been silent until now, but the worse may have happened if you've been feng shui'd. Keep your "eye on the tiger" as Rocky Balboa once said! :)

Ellee Seymour said...

I love boiled eggs too, but today it was pancakes.

David Edward said...

i like the staircase, and sausages and fried eggs, thank you
Tanya likes em over easy, I think.