TWQ: Favourite Shops

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about shopping.

Which stores do you enjoy shopping in and like to go around as often as possible?

My answers are:

Bookshops are always wonderful to meander through. Hatchards in Picadilly (London) is wonderful, as is Waterstones in Birmingham. Sometimes I can find unexpected treasures, like I did with 'The Book Thief' by Marcus Zusak.

I try to avoid all shops with pushy sales assistants.

Now it's over to you...

Running For Mayor Of Unimatrix Zero

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

Things are hotting up in the race to be Mayor here in Unimatrix Zero.

Since I decided to throw my hat in the ring and run, competition has been fierce. I am neck and neck with my rival Axum, who happens to be my former lover. I caught him going off with another woman.

I wonder what my alter ego Seven of Nine would think of all this? She will never know, as we, here in this area, are the subconciousness of Borg drones who possess the recessive gene. She and the Borg Queen are always on the prowl for Borg that have them. If only Seven knew!

Still, I'm having to go all around the caves in the area, kissing babies and telling them my policies.
Korris, my Klingon neighbour, is my Campaign Manager. Together we worked out a set of sensible measures for the manifesto. I threw in extra taxes for golf clubs, as Axum loves to play golf, and tax relief for the Unimatrix Zero Women's Institute.

After all, I am a member there, and it would give me some kudos with the Chairwoman.

Here I am, at the next cave.

"Hello." I say robotically as the owner comes near, "Can I be sure of your vote at the Mayoral Elections?"

"No you may not!" says the angry and familar voice.



It's Vi Toran; the Bajoran lover of Axum.

"You wait and see." I tell her, "Axum will dump you as soon as the next woman comes along and he tires of you."

"I keep him satisfied." Toran says cattily, "Which is more than you ever could. Axum will be Mayor, I shall luxuriate in the title of Mayor's wife and you will be nothing."

I am about to go forward and have a fight with her of major proportions when Korris steps in behind me.

"Annika." he advises, "It wouldn't be good for the Mayoral candidate to be seen fighting with the lover of of her opponent. The Unimatrix Zero press and television are close by, and they would be delighted to get a major headline for Unimatrix Zero Today."

He's right. People will pick that rag up and get the wrong impression.

"After the elections," I say quietly to Toran, "It's you and me."

"Anytime, Hansen," she smiles, "Anytime."

Worf Does Stand-Up Comedy (Part Two)

All of the senior staff approach the Klingon nightclub, named 'Glorious Kahless' and enter. Worf is still relectant to go in.

"Captain Picard." he pleads, "I would request that I not be pushed into doing this."

"Nonsense, Mr Worf." I reply, "You were invited to perform your stand-up comedy act, in which you sing at the end by the Klingon Annual Variety Show group. Now all of your friends want to see you. We never knew you did this sort of thing."

Worf mumbles a few things that it is not suitable for my Journal.

We all sit down near the front and wait for Worf to come on. Sadly T'Pol and Ensign Britney were already ejected from the club for throwing bread rolls at the stage and shouting "Where's the disco?"

Eventually, the Klingon Master of Ceremonies comes on.



"Greetings fellow Klingons..and others" he says, while looking at us, "The next act is a comedy and music turn by Worf, son of Mogh. He's been in Starfleet for a while, but don't hold that against him."

A few laughs go round the theatre.

"Give a big hand for Worf..."

Following the applause, Worf leaps on to the stage and grabs the microphone.

"Thank you, K'Tagh for the introduction." he starts, "That was truly awful."

A few laughs.

"Seriously, folks." he continues, "It's great to be here. Hey, how many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 151. One to screw the lightbulb in and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace!"

The Klingons fall about laughing, as Worf continues.

"Do you know how to get a one-armed Romulan out of a tree? You wave to him."

The Klingon in the next table almost chokes on his bloodwine on that one.

Worf moves on to the next jole, "What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage? A croaking device."

While we from the Enterprise wince at some of these, the Klingons are laughing continually.



"A Klingon and a Romulan fall off a tall building at the same times." Worf carries on with his next side-splitter, "Which one hits the ground first? The Klingon. The Romulan had to stop and ask for directions."

I'm beginning to notice a distinct familiarity with the jokes Worf is telling. I nudge the Klingon sitting at the next table.

"Excuse me." I say, "Are the jokes Klingons do always anti-Romulan."

The Klingon looks at me dismissively.

"Count yourself lucky." he replies, "Not so long ago, the jokes we told were anti-human as well."

Worf continues, telling everybody that 'Romulan' happens to be an anagram of 'unmoral'.

So he continues with a whole raft of anti-Romulan jokes that leave the audience in tears of laughter. He ends with:

"Did you know that the Romulans put all their energy in resources in putting a cloaked surveillance satellite in Earth's orbit, which was supposed to monitor Starfleet HQ, but could only pick up MTV instead!"

Worf then says to them all, "You've been a great audience. I'd just like to end with a favourite song of mine. I know it's one you all know. It's The Journey of Kahless. As I don't have too much time, I'll sing the shortened 90 verse version instead of the ful 440 verse one."

He wails:

"Ah, Kahless was a warrior, from long ago.
He braved the mighty,
He walked the Plains......"

He drones one for what seems an eternity, although the Klingons are happily singing along, and waving their jugs of bloodwine at the same time.

Eventually, when I am almost in a stupor and most of the crew have passed out from the exhaustion of listening, applause comes from all around, and Worf has finished. He comes over to us and I manage to wake the crew up in time."

"Err...well done, Mr Worf." I tell him.

"I was pleased to do my act again, Captain," he replies, "It shows I can still do it. Perhaps I may be able to repeat it for the crew on the Enterprise?"

Oh, please, please let him forget to do that.

Worf Does Stand-Up Comedy (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

"What's this?" I ask Worf in a puzzled manner. A directive has come addressed to him addressed from the Klingon homeworld. It has been put on the 'to be deleted' section of his computer.

Me, in that curious type Trill mind of mine, couldn't help by taking a sneaky peek.

It reads as follows:

Greetings Worf, son of Mogh,

It is our pleasure to invite you to participate in the Klingon Annual Variety Show. Many have expressed great delight in your act. It is still being talked about even now, although it has been some years since you actually attended.

Please agree to coming.

K'Tagh (Variery Organiser)



"Your should not have seen that, Jadzia." Worf tells me firmly, "I was going to delete that in a few moments. I have no intention of going to that event."

"Whyever not?" I ask, "Just what is it you do in this variety act?"

Worf starts to look red, if that is at all possible.

"I err...do stand up comedy." he answers quietly, "Plus I usually finish the routine with a song."

"That's wonderful!" I comment admiringly, "Tell me a joke, Worf."

"I cannot do that so easily." he tells me, "It has to be at the club where the variety goes on. Anyway, it is all irrelevant, as I shall not be going."

"Yes you will, Worf!" I dictate firmly, "I'm going to see Captain Picard. He'll be keen to bring the crew to see you do your routine."

I had never previously heard a Klingon groan and wince. That was what Worf was doing as I took him by the hand and dragged him unwillingly in the direction of the Captain."

-------------

"REALLY?" exclaims Captain Picard in amazement, as I tell him of it all. Beverly Crusher and Deanna Troi, who are in the office with the Captain are trying to keep a straight face. Worf looks extremely irritated.

"How come you never told us of this, Worf?" Deanna enquires, "We would have all loved to hear you on talent night." The others nod.

"I had rather you didn't know." Worf comments.

"Well now we do!" Picard tells him with a smile, "Get some seats near the front of the Klingon theatre for the crew, Mr Worf. We are going to want to hear you."

He summons Data to his office.

"Mr Data, change course for the Klingon homeworld. We have a Variety show to attend."

To be continued...

TWQ: What Would You Do?

This week's TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you would do if you had complete freedom.

What would you like to do if you didn't have to go to work, or had no family responsibilities, and money wasn't an issue?

My answers are:

I would probably live on a cruise liner, making sure I saw as much of the world as possible. with homes in various parts of the world to drop in on occasionally. I'd also like some paintings, plus a portrait of myself.

Now it's over to you...

A Small Plumbing Problem

Lieutenant Geordi LaForge looks particularly panic stricken; with him is Commander Riker.

"We've got a small problem." They both seem to say at once.

"Well see Doctor Crusher about it." I answer, "Or failing that, see Counselor Troi."



"No, Captain." Geordi tries to say, "It's a plumbing problem."

"Oh, I see." I tell him, "Then you DEFINATELY need to see Doctor Crusher."

Both of them seem to be frustrated, as if I'm not understanding what they are saying.

"The problem is this." Riker says slowly, "The errr...lavatories in the Enterprise washrooms are ceasing to function. As they are all linked, none of them are working."

"And we've got over a thousand people on board..." I say in realisation.

"That's right, sir." Riker answers, "And with the Bolian digestive system, it could be a major difficulty."

"It was their system that probably caused the washrooms to fail. " I tell them, "Get the emergency repairers out here."

"It's under way, sir."

"Tell everybody to errr...hold tight." I say, in a somewhat poor choice of words.

--------------

A few hours later, the repairer is beamed aboard. Everybody on the ship is looking a little restless, as if they want to use the facilities desperately. The Bolians have been given a sleeping drug just to make sure everything is all right.



The repairer is covered in a protective suit with an air cannister on the back.

"Hello mate." says the soundspeaker on his suit.

I groan.

"Hello Sid." I reply.

Sid is the Starfleet repairer who uses tools and technology from the 20th Century to repair problems. His mind and manner is fixed in that era as well.

"What's the suit for, Sid." Riker asks him.

"Are you kidding, mate?" he answers, "When I have to do a lavatorial plumbing repair job on a starship inhabited by all sorts of race...Bolians incuded....I'm keeping this suit well and truly on!"

Sid makes his way to the main washroom where the trouble originated. We notice that some crew have passed out from walking near the doorway.

Riker, LaForge and I are starting to feel a little groggy, so we walk back quickly. I turn to see Sid go in holding a spanner and carrying a bag of tools.

We section the area off from other crew, as it is too dangerous to go near.

--------------

A while later, we are all waiting for news from Sid.

"It's been half an hour. Do you think he has air for that long, Jean-Luc." asks a worried Bev, "If he fails to fix the problem, we could all be done for."

"He's still going, Bev." I reply, "The sound from the room can tell that his hammer and spanner are banging away at the pipes."

Suddenly there is silence. We all look at each other worriedly.

After a couple of minutes, the monitor shows the figure of Sid walk out of the washroom with his hood off.

"It's all fixed, mate!"

--------

We escort Sid to the Transporter Room and ask him how we can prevent anything like this happening again.

"That's easy, mate." he replies, "Never serve a Bolian lasagna after he has had Klingon Bloodwine. It's a potent combination."

Three New Ensigns On Board (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Karena

So my pumpkin, Wesley and I have finally made it on to the USS Rhode Island as fully fledged Ensigns. So has that awful Andorian woman, Tarah, but as I despise the girl for making eyes at my Wes, I don't want to speak about her.

Captain Erika Hernadez sounds a reasonable woman. It pleases me that she is in charge, as I can take orders from a woman much more than a man, being an Amazon, and having grown up as a Princess in a society on the planet Wondawowman where the woman is always right.

Well she is, after all.

What disturbs me is Commander Mark Hathaway. He seems to leer at me in my Amazonian outfit, and tends to wink at me when Wes isn't looking as we walk to where my quarters are. He also leers at Tarah.



Well he can leer at her as much as he likes, but if he comes near me, this spear will go where the sun doesn't shine.

After he escorts the three of us, the Commander smiles at me.

"I'd be delighted to give you a personal tour of the ship, later on, Karena, if you wish." he says when Wes is out of earshot.

"That won't be necessary, Commander." I tell him sharply, "My fiance Wesley and I are more than capable of finding our way around the ship."

Hathaway gets the message.

"I'd better see how Ensign Tarah is getting on." he comments.

"You do that, Commander." I reply, "You're bound to have better luck with her."

---------

While my pumpkin and I are together, unpacking, he seems so excited by it all.



"Gee, honeybunch." he exclaims, "Everybody is so helpful on here. Commander Hathaway seems to like us."

Poor Wes has no idea.

"I'm not sure about that, pumpkin." I say, as I put my battle armour and shield in the wardrobe.
"We could go with Tarah and the Commander on a double date if you like."

"Whatever made you come up with that?" I ask.

"Tarah just sent me a message while you were in the bathroom."

I become enraged.

"Now look, Wes!" I tell him patiently, for men can be so slow, "I don't want you going anywhere near that Tarah, do you understand!"

"Sure, honeybunch." he answers, "Whatever you say."

"Just remember, Wes." I say, "Commander Hathaway and Tarah are well suited. They both only want one thing, and they're not getting it off us."

The door opens and Tarah appears.



"Are you lovebirds coming to dinner with Mark and I, then?" she asks, "He says you can sit with him if you like, Karena."

Angrily, I grab my spear and throw it, but it just misses her, and Tarah runs off.

"I take that as a 'no', then, Karena." Tarah comments from outside in the corridor, "You missed me by quite a bit with that spear of yours."

"If I had been planning to hit you." I reply sharply, "You would have been pinned against the wall. Enjoy your dinner Tarah."

The Andorian looks alarmed and disappears quickly.

I kiss Wesley and say, "Well, we seem to be settling down now, on our new ship."

---------------

Author's Note:

Another cruel meme, this time from Novy

1: Ten years ago I was: Still Captain of the USS Enterprise. No one will promote me to Admiral!

2: Five things on today's To Do List:

A: Having morning cup of Earl Grey
B: Go in the holodeck
C: Do some time on the Bridge
D: Work on Spacebook on the computer.
E: Go on a date with Beverly Crusher

3: Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:

We don't have currency in the Federation, which accounts for me never getting a salary slip.

4: Three Bad Habits:

A: Keep saying "Make It So."
B: Doing the 'Picard Manouvre' of adjusting my uniform.
C: Keep calling Riker 'Number One'.

5: Five Places I've Lived.

France, Starfleet Academy, USS Stargazer, USS Enterprise, Borg Cube.

6: Five Jobs I've had in Life:

Starfleet Cadet, Starfleet Captain of Stargazer, Starfleet Captain of Enterprise, and various ranks in between

Three New Ensigns On Board (Part One)

Guest Poster: Erika Hernandez

"So who are our new new victims....I mean Ensigns?" asks Commander Mark Hathaway, as the two of us walk towards Transporter Room 3 of the USS Rhode Island.

"An interesting trio, Commander." I reply, "One is a male prodigy, the son of the Enterprise Doctor, another is his fiancee, who is an Amazonian warrior, and the other is an Andorian woman named Tarah."

"Fascinating!" exclaims Hathaway, "I wonder which of those two women I'll have as my weekly love interest?"

"Now you can stop that right there, Mark." I tell him, "You should stop trying to model yourself on James T Kirk. I know he's your hero, but the Rhode Island is losing staff because of you."



"Why is it my fault?" he asks.

"Firstly, you take them on perilous Away Missions." I answer, "Some so hazardous, you might as well give them red shirts and paint targets on them like Kirk used to do. That's not all. A lot of the female Ensigns are away for medical reasons. They're on maternity leave!"

"I can't help it if they like me, Erika." he smiles, "You know you're the only one for me."

"You can forget that, Mark!" I reply sharply, "After you went chasing that young Maravian Ensign, you're not coming near me again!"

The two of us get to the Transporter Room. The three Ensigns beam on. I walk forward to greet them.

"Welcome to the USS Rhode Island!" I say warmly, "I'm Captain Erika Hernandez, and this is Commander Mark Hathaway."

"Gee!" says Wesley to the Amazon, "It looks just like the Enterprise, doesn't it, honeybunch?"



"Indeed it does, pumpkin." she answers.

"Hi, Captain." he says to me, "I'm Ensign Wesley Crusher, and this is my fiancee Ensign Karena. The other Ensign is Tarah."

Hathaway whispers in my ear, "I love the skimpy outfit the Amazon is wearing, but should be be waving that spear around?"

"Yes, Commander." I reply quietly, "She is allowed to wear cultural dress and anything that goes with it, which her spear counts as being. See that the crew are made aware of this."

Tarah overhears what we are saying,

"Actually, she's a primative, Captain." she tells me. This enrages Karena who starts to fight Tarah.

I order them to separate, and tell them that I will not stand for fighting on my ship.

The three of them go off, the two women clearly seething at each other.

I can see I'm going to have some problems with those three!