A Far Distance

Today is not our day; we have been flung to the far corner of the universe.

It's not like we did a while ago; this is a different part; in fact it's so far out, the expanding universe is just about here.

Don't expect too many Starbases to turn up around here.

It all started when we offended this race of creatures called the Zarn. Mistakenly I called him 'Commander' instead of 'Captain' Because the Zarn take offence easily, they used a strange device on boaed to fly us to this position in a few seconds.

It sure beats warp speed.

"Which way is it back" asks Riker.

"Scanners have no action on that, Commander" reples Data.

That is Data-speak for "I haven't the remotest idea, come up with something useful."

"Ideas anyone? I ask them all. This is Picard-speak for "I haven't the remotest idea, come up with something useful.

"We could just travel home" says Worf.

"That would probably take 500 years, Lieutenant" Data tells him. "I would be the only one left on the ship when we got home."

"Maybe I could get the engines to go a little faster" suggests Geordi.

"What would that do, Mr La Forge?" I tell him, "Get us home in 490 years instead?"

He thinks for a while and remains silent.

"Could we contact the Zarn and apologise?" asks Deanna, "They might bring us back the way they brought us if we do"

"We can't communicate with anyone where we are, Counselor!"

Deanna stays quiet as well.

"Maybe we can find a Class M planet and all stay there for good? suggests Beverly, "We can create a whole community with the many people we have here."

I think she was making eyes at me there.

"Though it's realistic, Doctor" I tell her, "The universe is only forming here, and there will me no Class M planets for a long while."

"BEGONE!" a mysterious voice suddenly calls out, "GO FROM THIS PLACE!"

I tell the voice who we are, in the usual Starfleet drivel we have to learn. The voice takes no notice.

"BEGONE!"

It's like talking to a titanium wall.

"THIS IS MY DOMAIN! YOU WILL GO TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM!"

"If you send us there, we shall go." I tell the voice.

"VERY WELL!" the voice says.

The Enterprise shoots back and at a few seconds, we are at the point we were.

"Everything is just as it was." Data informs us.

"That's great" says Geordi.

"Captain, try not to offend the Zarn again" Riker says quietly to me, "Travelling long distance in short times doesn't agree with me."

Introducing Jadzia

I've got a right problem now; how do I tell my son Alexander about my new relationship with Jadzia Dax?

After some thinking, I've decided to chat with him and introduce Jadzia to Alexander so that we can all be happy together.

Why do I get the idea that this is not the right course of action?

-----------------

I'm in my quarters right now, and have asked Alexander to see me. Jadzia will be waiting in the other room, coming in at the appropriate moment.

"Hello father, you wished to see me?" says Alexander as he walks in.

"Yes, Alexander." I reply in a calm Klingon way, "I wish to talk with you about a certain delicate matter."

"It's not the facts of life, is it, father?" he replies, "I know all about that from the biology class we had some time ago."

"No, it's not that" I patiently say, "It's about my friend Deanna."

"I had been thinking of Deanna" he tells me, "I haven't seen her around here very much now. Doesn't she like you anymore. I like Deanna."

I wince at what Jadzia must be thinking as she hears all this while waiting in the next room.

"Deanna was a pleasant lady" I explain carefully, "But your father has a new friend who I'd like to introduce to you".

Jadzia walks in from the other room.

"Hello, Alexander" she says pleasantly.

"This is my new friend Jadzia Dax" I tell him, 'Say 'hello' to Jadzia, Alexander."

"Hello" Alexander says, then looks up and down at her. He then looks back at me. I know what he's going to say.

"I prefer Deanna" he says clearly, "Can't we have her back instead. Deanna was always so kind and pleasant to me."

I could hear the grating of Jadzia's teeth as she struggled not to say anything. The tension in the air could have been cut with a bat'leth.

"No, Alexander" I firmly inform him, "Jadzia is your father's friend from now on, so I want you to get to like her so that we can all be friends together here on the Enterprise."

"That's what you said when you introduced me to Deanna." he protests, "Will you be having another friend when Jadzia goes?"

"NO!" both I and Jadzia tell him together.

"Can I still see Deanna?" he asks me.

I'll have to be tactful here, otherwise I'll have Jadzia walking out very soon.

"Err...you can see her in her Counselor role, Alexander" I inform in in my best fatherly tone, "But I don't think it would be a good idea if you saw her around here. Jadzia can help you if you have any problems here."

Alexander walks out apparently satisfied with the answer, although he gives Jadzia a suspicious look.

Jadzia gives me a kiss. I think I came through it all in one piece.

Why is it I would rather be facing a group of Romulans heavily armed than having a chat with my son?

The Picard Song: Corrected

Apologies to those who could not get access to 'The Picard Song'.

It has now been corrected. and you should see it by clicking below.

Thanks to Mike for the help provided in my comment' section

------------


Here's something my Intern found while looking around the internet.

It's called 'The Picard Song'.

Get your speakers on and stand by.

Whatever you do, don't miss it!!!

The Picard Song

TWQ: Awkward Questions By Children

This week, we look at what children have said...

Have you as a child ever said anything that was potentially embarrassing, (though you didn't know then) or have you heard a child say something that made you feel awkward or difficult to answer?

This is my answer:

One I can remember most is asking my mother about women and why their were differences between men and them. I can't remember her answer, which is probably a good thing!

Now it's over to you...

The Walt Springer Show (Part Three)

The last transcript from 'The Walt Springer Show'...

----------------------------

Applause

Walt Springer: "Hi folks; welcome back. We are talking to the senior staff from the Starship Enterprise. Let's go to Lieutenant Worf. How do you feel being the only Klingon on board?"

Worf: "Actually, my son Alexander is on there."

WS: "Oh, sure, but being a Klingon, do you think you might not be too popular? After all, our two races never seemed to got on, did they?"

Worf: "Are you trying to cause trouble?"

WS: "No, why would I?"

Worf: "I assure you, Mr Springer, your minions would not be able to protect you if I lost my temper with you!"

Audience: "Ooooooh"

WS: "Ok, Lieutenant, let's not get too hasty. Now then, Commander Riker, how come you've held the same job for so long? Don't you have any career aspirations, or do Starfleet not think you are good enough as a Captain."

Riker: "I'll take a Captain's job when the right one comes along. In the meantime, I'm happy to be the Commander on the flagship vessel of Starfleet."

WS: "Don't you think you'd better get a Captain's job soon, otherwise some might think you'll be err... 'past it?'"

Audience laughs loud.

Riker: "What are you implying? Move on, Springer!"

WS: "Oh yes, sure, Commander. Now we come to Doctor Beverly Crusher and Captain Jean-Luc Picard. Doctor, why don't you tell us all about your relationship with the Captain?"

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

Beverly: "Err...ummm."

Picard: "I don't think that's any of your business, Springer. Doctor Crusher and I refuse to comment any further on our relationship, which is purely professional anyway."

WS: "Well folks, as Jean-Luc & Beverly are keeping quiet about what they get up to, perhaps our last guest can shed some light. Give a big welcome to Cadet Wesley Crusher!"

The audience cheers and Picard puts his face in his hands again.

WS: "Now then, Wes, perhaps you can tell me whether your mom likes Captain Picard? Do they go on dates?"

Wesley: "Oh, sure, Walt. They love going on dates. It takes ages for her to get ready when they do. She's loves those dates. They might even get married someday and the Captain will be my stepfather. It'll be great and I can call him Dad."

Picard winces and Beverly is red-faced; both are glaring at Wes.

WS: "Well, we do have a happy couple here, don't we folks? When will the wedding be, Captain? Will I get an invite? Maybe we could do the wedding right here on the show?"

Audience cheers; Picard gets up and suddenly punches Sringer in the eye. He falls on the floor. All the senior staff applaud and walk off with him.

WS: "That was an interesting ending, wasn't it folks? Just time for my Final Thought. Just remember that in space, no one can hear you say 'Ooops! I shouldn't have pressed that button!' Goodnight, and tune in next week, when we hear from a Bajoran dating agency that have Cardassians on their books. Until then, goodbye."

Audience applauds.

The Walt Springer Show (Part Two)

Continuing the transcript of 'The Walt Springer Show'

-----------------------

Applause.

Walt Springer: "Hi folks, welcome back to the show. We're talking to the senior staff of the Starship Enterprise, and finding out what makes them tick. From 'tick', I think it would be good if we had a word with Lieutenant Commander Data."

Data: "Good evening, Mr Springer"

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

WS: "No need to be formal, Data; now, you're a robot, aren't you."

Data, "Actually, sir, I am an android, classed as an artificially life form created by Doctor Noonian Soong."

Audience: "Ooooooh!"

WS: "We don't need the long words, here, Data. The folks here just want to find out what turns you on."

Springer looks mischievously at the audience who fall about laughing.

Data: "Sorry, sir. I don't quite understand."

WS: "Well, Data, I mean how do you get activated in the morning?"

Data: "My internal clock will do that."

WS: "Doesn't anyone have a remote that can switch you on and off like a tv? It would sure help on space travel, wouldn't it, folks?"

The audience falls about laughing again.

Picard: "I don't think you need to bother Data again with your inuendo, Springer. Move on to someone else, quickly."

WS: "Yes, sure Captain. Don't want to upset the top banana of the Enterprise, do we? Now let's turn to Deanna Troi. My, you are a colourful character aren't you, Deanna?"

Deanna: "What do you mean?"

WS: "Well, you have all these boyfriends of yours. On reflection, I think I could have had an entire show built around your love life!"

Audience howls with laughter.

WS: "Now let's see, you have a boyfriend who is Commander Riker here, but you also like Lieutenant Worf. He has an admirer in Lieutenant Jadzia Tax, who has recently transferred to the Enterprise...so tell me Counselor, who is with who, now?

Deanna: "I don't wish to discuss my private life here."

WS: "But, Deanna, ALL people come on this show to discuss their private lives."

Riker: "Listen, Springer, Deanna says she's not going to discuss her private life here, so button up, or you'll have me to deal with."

Audience: "Oooooooh!"

WS: "That's ok, folks, I think I'm safe. Commander Riker is partial to donuts, and I don't think he's visited the Enterprise gym in a long while. "

Audience laughs wildly.

WS: "Anyway, we need to sort out this weird 'Menage a' Troi", so let's invite our special guest on to the stage.... Lieutenant Jadzia Dax!"

Dax walks on to the stage. Picard puts his head in his hands again.

WS: "Now, then, Jadzia, can you clarify this for all of us?"

Jadzia: "Oh, sure, Walt. There I was, perfectly happy to have Worfie all to myself, but the Troi woman comes along and says he is hers, even though she goes with Commander Riker. Fortunately, after a competition, I have Worfie all to myself, and she is stuck with Riker. Isn't that true, Worfie-baby?:

Worf: "Er, yes, Jadzia."

Deanna: "I should have won that competion, Dax!"

Jadzia: "I won it fairly, Troi!"

The two women dive at each other and start tearing and pulling at each other's hair, and scratching their faces. Minders come quickly and place the in different chairs far apart from each other. The studio beeper is on overload in the producer's room.

WS: "Whew folks! I think we'd better take a break and resume after these words from our sponsor, Ferengi Fshnets. Remember their motto: 'Legs Make A Profit'. See you again in a few moments."

The Walt Springer Show (Part One)

What follows is the transcript for 'The Walt Springer Show' The senior staff of the Enterprise were ordered by Starfleet to take part in this so that it would promote better understanding between the citizens of the Federation and those who were in the starships.

What a farce.....

-------------------------

The show theme plays and the audience cheers loudly.

Audience: "Walt! Walt! Walt! Walt!"

Walt comes on to rousing applause.

Walt Springer: "Hi folks, it's great to see you again. After last week's story about the bigamist who 'married' a Klingon, a Romulan and a Cardassian without any of the wives knowing about the other, we've got a great group of gusts with us tonight."

Audience: "Oooooh!"

WS: "Tonight, we've got the senior staff from the Federation Starship Enterprise all here!"

Audience: "Oooooooooh!"

The guests beam on to their chairs; the audience applauds.

WS: "Let me introduce Lieutenant Worf, Counselor Troi, Doctor Beverly Crusher, Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge, Lieutenant Commander Data, Commander William Riker and last, but not least, the leader of this merry band, Captain Jean-Luc Picard."

Applause

WS: "Now first of all, Jean-Luc, how do you lead this group of characters?"

Picard: "Mr Springer, I'd prefer it if you'd address me as 'Captain' or 'Captain Picard'.

Audience: "Ooooooooh!"

WS (turning to the audience): "Wow, folks, it looks like we're in for some Starfleet official protocol here. I'd better watch what I say, or I'll get thrown in the Enterprise brig!"

Audience laughs hysterically.

WS: "Ok, I'll ask Mr La Forge...er is that ok?"

La Forge: "You can call me Geordi."

WS: "That's great; you have really cool shades there, Geordi. Does it attract the girls on the Enterprise?"

La Forge: "I'm blind, you idiot!"

WS: "Woops, folks, the Political Correctness Manager at the station will get me for that one. We'll have so many letters."

Audience laughs.

WS: "Now then, Geordi, you are the Chief Engineer on the Enterprise. I've heard from reliable sources that the Warp Core has broken down a few times. You haven't been buying components on the cheap, have you?"

La Forge: "How did you find that....I mean that's simply not true. All the components on the Enterprise are of the finest quality. It's only through the amount of travel it does that makes it wear down a little."

WS: "Err..yeah, sure!" (he looks at audience, who laugh with him)

WS: "Now, Geordi, on the video screen, we've got a special guest, it's your girlfriend, Trisha Lewis!"

Trisha: "Hi Geordi! Hi Walt! Hi everybody!"

Picard puts his head in his hands and groans

WS: "Now, Trisha, how did you and Geordi meet?"

Trisha: "Through a dating agency, Walt."

WS: "How is your relationship now, Trisha?"

Trisha: "Oh, great, we love each other to bits, don't we Geordi, honey?"

La Forge: "Er...yes, sure, Trish."

WS: "Thanks Trisha, and goodbye."

The screen fades as Trisha waves at the audience.

WS: "That's all for now folks. Be sure to join me after the break, when I'll be talking to more of the Enterprise crew."

Applause

TWQ: Job Interviews

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) goes into the awful world of job interviews:

What experience have you had with job interviews? Have you ever been asked a question which you just couldn't answer, or one where you would dearly love to give a sharp snappy answer?

This is my answer:

I'm hopeless at job interviews; I always seize up, and appear to have no knowledge of anything! The question that always invites a sharp answer is the inevitable "Where do you see youirself in five years?" Wouldn't we all like to say, "In your job, so that the maorale of this firm goes up."

Now it's over to you...

Just before you go..

I've been tagged by Wedge Antilles

Data didn't put the shields up, so here we go:

1: Favourite Chocolate: Belgian Truffles
2: Favourite Pizza Topping: Don't like pizza.
3: Favourite Food: Lasagnea
4: Favourite Cheese: West Country Farmhouse Mature
5: Favourite Pirate Phrase: "Hoist the Jolly Roger!"
6: Favourite Music Genre: Late '60's to early '70's.
7: Favourite Musical Artist: The Beatles
8: What are you listening to right now?: Nothing at all.
9: Favourite Movie Genre: Too varied.
10: Favourite Movie: The Hours
11: Favourite TV Show: 24
12: Favourite Console game: don't have one
13: Favourite Computer Game: Baldur's Gate (might be 'Oblivion' when it comes this week)
14: Favourite Board Game: Monopoly
15: Ever platy Dungeons & Dragons?: On the computer (see Baldur's Gate)
16: Where are the Cheetos? Use a replicator.
17: Can I have a Mountain Dew?: What's that?
18: Do you believe in a higher power?: Sure
19: How many of these quizzes have you ever taken, email or blogs, in your net-surfing career?: Too many.
20: On a scale of banana to zebra, banana being "pink polka-dotted slippers" and zebra being "WTF?", how surreal would a guy taking a shower in a tub full of brightly coloured wrenches and monochromatic cat toys be?: I'm sorry, I'll read that again.
21: Have any pets?: No
22: If yes on 21 what is the silliest thing you have seen them do?: Not a lot, since I don't have one.
23: You think Karnov should have ended this quiz 20 questions ago?: Is he the idiot who started this?
24: Ever Play 20 Questions?: Is it bigger than a breadbox? Sorry, I thought we were playing!
25: Think I get bored on my lunch breaks?: No, I get bored before my lunch break and afterwards.
26: Who would win in a fight between Mr. T, Chuck Norris, and that giant robot from that one goofy Beastie Boys Video?: I haven't seen the giant robot, but I would go for him as the other two must be getting on a bit.
27: Could you conceivably use a Terrabyte Harddisk?: Explain, please.
28: HAH! HAH! I ACTUALLY HAVE A 28th QUESTION!!1! (Unfortunately it is more of a statement.): You epitomize the concept of nerdism.
29: Paper or Plastic?: Paper can be recycled.
30: Who will you tag to take this quiz next?: Absolutely no one.