Karena's Hen Night

Guest Poster: Karena

As I'm getting married next week to my pumpkin, Wesley Crusher, Ensign Crusher and her friend T'Pol has taken open themselves to organise something called a 'Hen Night', also known as a Bachelorette Party.

It is a ceremony where female friends take to woman out for one last evening before she weds. The event all seems very pointless, but decide to go along with it. After all, nothing will change when I get married. I'll still be ruling over Wesley.

All of the group, which comprises of myself, Britney, T'Pol, Seven of Nine, Deanna Troi, Jadzia Dax, Ro Laren, Jennifer Baxter, and Guinan. Beverly thought it best not to come, as she was Wesley's mother.

We are in the Starfleet Mall.

"Where are we going, Britney?" I ask.



"To one of T'Pol & myself's favourite hang-outs." she replies, "It's one of the few places that let us in. It's called the Cafe Sordid."

Some of the women shiver slightly. I hope it's the weather and not that they could have heard of it before.

"It's a groovy place." T'Pol adds, "Brit and I tried to get in two nights ago, as our favourite act, Joy Delight was playing. It turns out some people had booked before we did. We'll have to settle for the male act tonight."

"The male act?" I say in puzzlement.

"You'll see!" Britney answers with a laugh. Some of the other women are looking at each other as if they're not sure it's been a good idea to come.

-------

Inside, the room is all dark, the occupants are mostly women, and looking very eager for the show to start. However, they take a look at the spear I am holding, and decide to move their chairs a little further away.

"I'm not too sure that this was a good idea, Jadzia." Ro whispers to her.

"Don't be sure." Guinan interrupts, "Let's see the show first."

"If the show fails to come up to expectations." declares Seven, "I shall assimilate those responsible."

The stage lights come up, and a voice announces that Rex Platinum is on the stage.

The other women in the audience rush forward, screaming "Rex!"

He then procedes to remove his clothing by starting with his shirt.



Rampant screaming ensues all around. The Enterprise women maintain a dignified stance, until Guinan shouts and rushes forward.



"Oh yeah, honey!!" she shout, and starts throwing Credits on the stage.

After that, we all proceed to do the same thing. The place goes crazy, as Rex is forced to flee the stage as the surge of women increases.

-----------------

A little later, we leave the Cafe Sordid. Deanna takes me aside.

"Listen, Karena." she starts, "I've talked with the other women, and they've decided that the show we saw there should be forgotten about. Don't tell Wesley. I don't intend to tell Will. They might not quite understand why we went there."

"Sure, Deanna." I answer with a smile, "We went for a very quiet night out."

"Absolutely!" she answers with a smile, "That's what all Hen Nights are like."

Wesley's Stag Night

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

As I'm getting married next week to my honeybunch, Karena, my male friends who used to be with me on the Enterprise has decided to throw what they called a 'Stag Night Party' for me.

This also used to be called a 'Bachelor Party' and it was traditional for the groom's friends to do this before they got married.

"It's your last few days of freedom, Wes!" pipes up Geordi, "After that, Karena will have you doing what she likes."

"I don't mind that." I reply, "I'm in love."

Geordi laughs as we all settle down at our table at the Cafe Sordid.

"This place looks a little dubious." I remark to Commander Riker, "Couldn't we have found somewhere else?"



"Sure we could, Wes." Will replies, "But we wanted to find somewhere where you'd ...enjoy your party." he continues with a sly smile.

"It is a pity that Captain Picard himself could not join us this evening." remarks Data, "Did he say why he couldn't come?"



"He informed me that he had an important meeting with the admirals." Worf answers, "Though judging by his his tone, I'm not sure whether this is accurate."

"I think he didn't want us to know that he already knew all the doormen and staff!" laughs Geordi to Data, who immediately looks confused.

The room becomes dark, but the stage becomes a mass of lights.

A young brunette walks on to the stage, wearing a long black dress, and a beautiful hat, fishnet stockings and red shoes.

"I'm Joy Delight, and I have a treat for a young man named Wesley Crusher." the woman announces seductively.

With that, Riker hand me a 'Learner' shirt to wear, and we carry on looking up at the stage.

Joy Delight has removed her hat, and is about to step out of her dress.

"Why is the lady removing her clothes?" asks Data. He is clearly confused, and Geordi tries to explain has best as he can, while keeping an eye on the stage.



Not long after, when Joy has finished her stage act, we all get up to go.

"Well, what do you think of your Stag Night, Wes?" asks Commmander Riker.

"Pretty good, sir." I reply, "I think it's been quite an experience for Data as well!"

"Yeah." he answers, "Err...it might be a good idea not to mention where we've been to Karena or Deanna. They might not quite understand."

The Wedding Invitation

"Have you had yours yet, Jean-Luc?" Beverly asks as she rushes into my Ready Room.

"Have I had what, Bev?" I reply, though I think I can guess what the subject is about.

"Why, the Wedding Invitation for Wesley and Karena's wedding, that's what!"

Beverly waves a document cheerily in front of me, as if it is a Treaty foe eternal peace in the Quadrant.



"Oh, that." I reply, "Yes I have it right here. They came together and were sent to all the senior staff."

I open mine and read it out.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard,

You are invited to the Wedding of the Princess Karena to Wesley Crusher on the amazonian planet of Wondawowman starting 19th August. The ceremony will take place at the Oracle of Wisdom and be officiated by the bride's mother, Queen Diana.

Please note that as you have been designated Man of Honour, and will serve the Life Servant-to be during the ceremony, you will be allowed to sit near the front. All other men, due to their low ranking in our matriachal society, will all have to sit at the back and not be allowed to speak until called to do so.

We hope you enjoy the occasion.

Queen Diana



"Well that's an interesting one." Bev says, "Mine is slightly different."

She reads it out:

Dearest Beverly,

I have pleasure in inviting you to the wedding of my blessed daughter Karena to your son Wesley on my home planet of Wondawowman starting 19th August. As you are giving away Wesley in the ceremony at the Oracle of Wisdom, you shall have a place of honour.

As for the men, we'll keep them out of the way.

I look forward to your arrival,

Your sister in strength,

Queen Diana

"The Queen seems to have worded all of the invites differently." I comment, "I wonder what she put for...."



Ensign Britney marches in.

"Have you seen what the Queen has wrote on my Wedding Invitation?" she grumbles.

Our Deltan Ensign starts to read it:

Ensign Britney,

As a woman, you are naturally invited to the wedding of Karena and Wesley at the Oracle of Wisdom on Wondawowman starting 19th August. However, I warn you, if I see one spot of chewing gum anywhere, you'll be in the amazon prison before my daughter has the chance to say "I do."

Queen Diana

I try not to smile as Britney storms out in disgust. When she's gone, it all becomes too much and both Bev and I fall about laughing.

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Editor's Note:

There is an invite here for YOU, the blog reader as well....

Blog readers,

You are invited to the wedding of Princess Karena and her hapless Life-Servant-to-be Wesley here starting 19th August. Women, remember your new hats, and men, remember to sit at the back!

TWQ: Olympic Sports

With the Olympic Games just starting, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks what you will be watching.

What sports will you be most interested in watching during the Olympics and why? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

Aside from the obvious (Ladies Beach Volleyball), I will be watching:

* Weightlifting: This sport always fascinates me, with the amount of effort required to lift, and the agony when it comes crashing down!

* Pole Vault: This is a good one, where like weightlifting, the competitors strive to get a little more each time.

* 1500 metres: A great event, probably one of the best.

* Marathon: A good way to see the host city as well as share the endurance.

Now it's over to you...

Safety Check

"What's this?" I say.

"It's a directive from Starfleet." Riker answers, "It says you have to do a spot check on all crewmembers to see whether their workstation is operating within health and safety paremeters."

"What tosh!" I comment, "Throw it in the cyber wastebin."



"I can't do that, Captain." he answers, "When the directive came through, I had to answer that it had been received. I did that."

I sigh. Starfleet think of everything to ensure their pointless directives go through. They would have me doing this check even if we were being invaded by beings from another dimension.

"What do I have to do, Number One?"

"You have to go to each workstation." he answers, "Look to see if it is clear of personal effects, then look underneath each station to check if there are not any loose wires hanging down that might be a hazard to both the crewmember and the ship."

"There are over 1000 crewmembers here!" I protest, "What do you think my back is going to be like after that? I'll have to delegate it to Data, who won't feel the effects."

"Sorry, Captain." Riker answers, "The Directive specifically insists that the Captain of each Starship must carry out the check."

I start off by checking the first few crewmembers. Nothing of any significance yet, but even now, my back is starting to feel the strain.

I come to Ensign Britney's workstation. When I look underneath, all the wires are stuck together with chewing gum.

"What's the meaning of this, Ensign?" I ask.



"Yeah, well, Captain." Ensign Britney answers, "I've been given a real tatty workstation, and the computers keep going on the blink. The only way to keeo them going is to stick them together with my chewing gum."

"This is disgraceful." I answer, "I'll see this gets repaired right away."

"Captain." Britney asks, "Can you make sure I get the chewing gum back, please?"

I move on to inspect some more workstations. With a third of the ship done, my back is excrutiatingly painful.

I come to Jadzia Dax's station.

"What's this?" I ask, looking at a 3D photo.



"It's a picture of Worfie....I mean Lieutenant Worf ." she answers, "He's such a cute honey."

I cough.

"We can't allow personal effects on workstations, Lieutenant." I say, "You'll have to take it back to your quarters."

I hate being stern like that. I hope they don't find my picture of Bev hidden in my Command Chair.

As the inspection starts to come to an end, I am virtually bent over with the pain my back has given.

"Have you anywhere else left to inspect, Captain." asks Riker.

"Just one place, Number One." I reply, "That's the SickBay. It's an ideal place to end, as I'll need a lot of treatment when I finish!"

Shopping For Karena's Wedding Dress (Part Two)

Guest Poster Karena

I'm here in the Starfleet Mall with my mother Queen Diana to look for a wedding dress for myself when I get married to Wesley Crusher.

I say 'wedding dress' in a very loose term, of course. Being an amazon, it will have to be a traditional battle outfit, with a breastplate and spear.

That's romance for you!

Currently, we are in the 'Amazon' shop, run by Helena. We are going through possible items that might be suitable.

----

"Oh, I don't think that spear is sharp enough!" says my mother, "We need it razor sharp to show what a tough woman my daughter is."

"We can always have it sharpened for you, Queen Diana." Helena insists, "We can make it so sharp it will cut the air in two. Now come and see these dresses."

She leads us to a section named Amazonian Wedding Attire.



My mother's face lights up.

"Ah, now this is the sort of thing I've been looking for." the Queen comments, "Don't you agree, daughter?"

"It looks lovely." I answer, "The ideal sort of thing to cast fear into any Life Servant."

"It will need a breastplate, though." my mother adds.

"I have the very thing." Helena answers, and brings out a matching plate.



"Perfect!" Diana says,while looking at some weapons "Now how about that sword?"



I go to the changing room, put all three on.

When I come out, both my mother and Helena agree that they look just right. As I wave the sword, I look so fearful, a customer about to enter the shop suddenly runs away.

"I can see your daughter is going to have a very special honeymoon night." says Helena, with a smile.

We are about to leave, when I see a special line of bridal clothes called "Valkyries."

"What are those?" I ask.

"Ah." answers Helena, "That is a very special line of bridal clothing for top amazons."

My mother is offended.

"My daughter is a Princess and is therefore a top amazon." she says angrily, "Let's see what it is."

I try it out, and know this will be my wedding day battle dress.

"I want this one, mother." I say.

"I agree, Karena." she replies, "It suits you perfectly. What a magnificent outfit."

We pack it all up and leave the shop, very satisfied.

Wes will get a surprise on his wedding day!

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Editors Note: For obvious reasons, Karena's wedding day battle dress will not be shown here until the day she gets married. We can't let anyone see it beforehand, especially Wes. It's bad luck!

Shopping For Karena's Wedding Dress (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

My mother, who is Queen Diana of the planet Wondawowman, is visiting Earth and walking with me in the Starfleet Mall area.

We have come to find a wedding dress suitable for my marriage to Wesley.

"Mother!" I quietly whisper as she prods an individual with her spear, "You cannot expect everybody to bow down before you if they approach."

"But I am a Queen!" she protests, "That last one was a mere man anyway."

"That's true." I reply, "But we are on Earth, and things can't be just as they are on our planet.

My mother grumbles at this, "I don't see why we have to come here anyway, Karena. All the other Amazonians get their wedding day battle armour handmade."

"That's true." I answer, "But Helena is known for making the best...and you do want the best for your Princess daughter, don't you?"

"Yes, of course." she grumbles.

That tactic always works.

"Look!" I exclaim, "We're here!" I see the familiar sign.



"Helena bought this company a while ago." I continue, "Now it caters excusively for Amazons. If you're one, you'll get anything you want."

"Interesting." Diana says, "Let's see what they have."



"Greetings." says a statuesque woman who advances forward, "I am Helena, owner of Amazon. What can I do for you?"

"I am Queen Diana of Wondawowman." explains my mother in her most authoritarian voice, "I would like you to supply battle armour wedding dress for my daughter, the Princess Karena."

"I am most honoured to be in your presence." Helena answers, "I'm sure I will be able to help, come into the Wedding Room and I'll show you our range."

To be continued...

TWQ: Vacation Problems

As it's the time of year when a lot go on vacation, this TWQ (The Weekend Question) is themed to find the things we dread.

What problems don't you like to face while going on vacation? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

1: All the trouble getting on and off an aircraft. It takes longer than the flight nowadays.

2: The drive by holiday reps to sell optional excursions, making the vacation cost far higher.

3: When on a coach tour, we are told we can't stay too long in a really interesting place as he wants to take us to an interesting carpet place where his brother wants to sell us some.

4: The fact that when we get home, we are more exhausted than when we left... and it's supposed to be a restful vacation!

Now it's over to you...