Seven Of Nine On Death Row (Part One)

Guest Poster: Seven Of Nine

I have been given time off by both Locutus and the Borg Queen to attend the Annual General Meeting of the Borg Assimilated Drones Union (BADU).

As the Union Representative of the Cube Unimatrix Zero One, I have to go and put my grievances of the drones to the Committee. What happens then is that the Committee then go to the respective Queens, put their viewpoints and are then promptly disconnected.

It's why we have a new Committee every year.

Anyway, I am going to listen to the latest viewpoints. The Borg Queen has told me that everything is fine on the Cube, which I haven't visited too often since being assigned by her to go to the Enterprise, and I am inclined to believe her.

Suddenly I hear a sarcastic voice pipe up.

"Well, if it isn't the human-loving drone from Unimatrix Zero One!" the voice says.



"Nine of Ten!" I exclaim, "What are you doing here? Surely the Unimatrix 15 Cube haven't been that desperate as to sent you along. What happened to the last Representative from that Cube?"

"Four of Four was destroyed in an attack by humans." she replies pointedly, "Your friends, Seven did it, so I was eager to act as the new Representative in order to meet you again."

A crowd of drones are gathering. It seems that some love nothing more than a couple of female drones fighting each other, and pulling at their hair and Borg implants.

"I had no say in that." I reply, "It was a different Starfleet vessel."

"And your Queen is very pally with your human Captain, who was a Borg himself." Nine goes on, "Human are meant to be assimilated and destroyed."

A member of the Committee, One of Five, comes between Nine and myself before we start to fight.

"You are Borg drones." he says, "You will do the will of your Queens and not engage in fighting."

Nine and I walk off in opposite directions. We were always rivals, and I never got on well with her.

----------------

A few hours later, there is banging on the doors of my Quarters. When I open it, I am greeted by two large Borg Security Drones. Between them is One of Five, with a very official and stern face.

"Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01." he reads out, "You are arrested for the murder of Nine of Ten, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 15." You will be placed on Death Row until a court date. If found guilty, you will be formerly terminated."

"I am innocent..." I start.

"Evidence has been found to suggest otherwise." he replies.

I am dragged off and placed in a seedy looking holding cell.

This is a big problem. Only two people can assist me now.

To be continued...

600th Post & TWQ: Hippie Names

Yes, it's both the 600th Post plus a TWQ today, so there is a lot to do today. Let's see what the TWQ (The Weekend Question)is:

We see some odd hippie names, like Moon Unit etc. If you had the chance to rename your hypothetical hippie family (mother, father, son, daughter), what names would you choose?

My answers are:

Sunshine (wife)
Lightning (me)
Rain (son)
Snow (daughter)

Now it's over to you.....

Now regarding the 600th Post, it's hard to believe that after nearly three years, I have reached this point. I can recall the time..

"Oh, stop being so boring, Jean-Luc, it's like listening to Data drone on without contracting."



"Q!" I exclaim, "What do you want, I'm doing this very important post."

"Yes, yes, I know." he answers, "Do you think you know how to do these? You answer them like you're going to do one of those endless speeches to Admiirals that send them all to sleep. You'll have every one that sees your post drifting off elsewhere. Here. This will keep them..."



"Q!" you're interfering with my post, now...."

"I'm trying to help you, Jean-Luc." he says, "You have a very haphazard crew. Every other starship travels around normally, but not the Enterprise. You seem so frought with disasters, getting boarded by aliens, entering parallel universes, time travel, getting turned into a criminal. This doesn't happen with any other Captain....except the delightful Kathryn, but that's another story."

"Q!" I shout, "Just go away and let me..."

"Of course, the nature of your crew doesn't help." he continues, "What other starship has a Chief Engineer with those shades, an android, a donut eating Commander, a barmaid that is 600 years old, a Counselor who can read thoughts, a Borg drone, a red headed female doctor that fancies you, who has a disaster prone son with an Amazonian fiance, a holographic doctor who sings opera, a Klingon with a bad temper, a Trill, an insolent girl who spends more time in the brig and a rebel from to centuries ago that came from a mirror universe?"

"Don't forget being tormented by a being from another Continuum." I retort.

"Touche, Jean-Luc." he replies.

"Look, Q" I tell him, "I'm running out of time to do my speech. I'll have to leave it."

"Then I'm sure the readers will be thanking me for doing them a favour." he answers, "Until the next time, goodbye."

Q vanishes, leaving me just enough room to thank you all for visiting my Journal throughout the 600 posts.

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part Three)

Guest Poster: The Doctor

With the entire Enterprise staff beamed on to another planet, the holo entertainer Vic Fontaine and I are trying to save the ship from being taken to a scrapheap by the Myranians, a most unpleasant race who really only want the metal and parts for their own use.

Personally I wouldn't mind, but my program is embedded in the ship, and I have been promoted to Emergency Command Hologram for this mission. A status I rather like, as I can boss someone around, even if it is just a holographic singer.

----------

"What are we going to do?" shouts Fontaine in desperation, "If we don't take out the other five Myranians, us and the ship will be sold as scrap to a merchant."



"Then we have to act quickly." I answer, "Let's go to Engineering."

We open the doors to see two of them working on a screen. They turn round and fire powerful weapons at us. They pass right through us, but both of us start to flicker.

The holo emitter was hit! Isn't that always the way? Why are they put in such prominent places.

Fortunately, our disruptors strike them and finish them off, and we run out of Engineering before we disappear.

"We just made it into the corridor." I say, "Let's get the other three. This will be the most difficult, there being so many."

"I'd rather be singing I've Got You Under My Skin right now." complains Fontaine.

"You're getting under my skin right now." I retort, "Let's get the job done."

It's sometimes hard being in command when your subordinates are troublesome and whine a lot.
Instead of taking the turbolift, we decide to use the element of surprise and beam ourselves in with guns blazing, like cowboys and their six-shooters in the saloon.

-----------

We both appear on the Bridge, firing our disruptors at anything that moves.



"What..." the Myranian sitting in Captain Picard's seat said as he turned round.

It turned out to be the last thing he said. The other two get destroyed with ease with our six shooters...I mean disruptors.

--------------------------

Several hours later, we arrive at the planet where the beaming signal came from, and all the crew are returned to the ship.

"Well done, Doctor and Mr Fontaine." says the Captain, "You did an excellent job of saving the ship, "Had we lost the ship, we would have had to pay for a new one out of our salaries."

Never mind that I would have ceased to exist!

Doctor Crusher approaches.

"You did really well." she says with praise, "The Captain will put you back to being a normal EMH again. The burden of responsibility is tough. I know you wouldn't like to be a permant ECH."

Thanks for asking! As if I have any say.

"Jean-Luc....I mean the Captain and I will be going to the cinema tonight." she continues, "So you'll be on bedpan duty during that time."

Sure. That's what all heroes have to do!

-----------------------------

Authors's Note:

Mimi sent me a meme regarding her 'Message In A Bottle'. See her blog for the rules. This is my bottle:




Author's Note:

This is the 599th Post. Be here for the next one, which is a combined TWQ and 600th Post!

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Docter

What is the nature of your medical emergency?

That's typical. That call me up and then there's no one around.

It's strange, though, as the Sick Bay is empty. Dr Crusher is usually ordering people around.

Suddenly a holo- image of Captain Picard appears in front of me.

"Doctor." he says, "We have an urgent mission for you. The Myranians have beamed us all of this ship. The Enterprise is being taken to one of their scrapyards to be destroyed and useful parts taken. You must stop them before it's too late. Enlist the help of Vic Fontaine, the holo singer. I'm giving you the status for this mission of ECH...Emergency Command Hologram. You will be able to locate us by the beeper signal Commander Data has within him. Good luck."

It's like a tape should be burning at this point like a 1970's tv series at this point.

My uniform changes to Command Red.

Now they want me. Doctor Crusher keeps giving me the drudging jobs like sweeping the floor and cleaning the bedpans. The mood soon changes when they need me.

I decide to call the computer.

"How many Myranians are there on board the Enterprise?"

"There are six. Three on the Bridge, two in Engineering and one in Ten Forward."

Next I'll get Vic Fontaine.

I go to the Holodeck where The Sands nightclub is,. Fortunately holo emitters have been installed throughout the ship, so I can move freely.

Opening the door, I see Fontaine rehearsing, singing I Get A Kick Out Of You. I explain the situation.



"That's tough." Fontaine muses, "It's not much use if I don't have an audience to sing to every night."

I roll my eyes in despair. "That's not all. Our programs will be destroyed when the Enterprise is scrapped."

"Okay, Doctor." he says, "We've got a big problem. Now what I suggest is..."

"I'm in charge!" I remind Fontaine sharply, "See the red on the uniform? I'm the ECH. The C stands for Command, now you have to do what I tell you."

"Yeah, sure." he replies, "Keep your hair on, fellah. You're the boss man."

"Good." I say with a satisfied air, "We'll go to Ten Forward and take out the Myranian who is on his own, hopefully without alerting the others. "

"What about weapons?" Fontaine reminds me, as if I've forgotten.

"I know about them." I say, "The armoury happens to be on the way there."

----------

We get kitted out so that we look like a pair of Rambos. Disruptor phasers shouldn't make too much noise, but it'll make a great impression on a Myranian when we fire.

The two of us enter Ten Forward. The Myranian turns round in surprise and we ventilate him with our disruptors.

"One down, five to go, Doctor." Fontaine comments.

I look outside and see a planet with scraps of starships flying around.

"We've arrived at the scrapyard." I say in alarm, and take a look on the surface with our scanner.



"We'll have to work quickly." I comment, "Otherwise that will be us. I don't fancy being the spare part of an old alien starship."

To be continued...

Enterprise For The Scrapheap? (Part One)

"Are you sure we are not in any hostile territory, Number One." I ask Riker as we sit on our chairs in the Bridge.

"Of course not, sir." he replies petulantly. He had been complaining a few moments earlier about that plastic seat he has to sit on.

"Then why are we being signalled by four battlecruisers?" I ask. Apparently, Riker had been too busy picking the donut crumbs off his chair to notice the events on the screen.

"Oh, them." he replies hesitantly, "I'm sure they want to welcome us to their part of the galaxy."
"I don't think so." pipes up Deanna, "I feel there is distinct evil emanating from their ship, as well as opportunaties to get something."

I tell Data to activate the videoscreen to see what we've got this time.



Charming. This alien needs to work on his smile a little, although it looks like he visits the dentist often enough.

I go into my usual welcome spiel, although aliens tend to ignore it.

"I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Star..."

"You will be silent!" the alien barks before I can finish, "I am Captain Karas of the Myranian ship Conquerer." he informs me, "You have strayed into our part of space. You will hand your vessel over to us."

"Now look..." Riker starts, but I urge him to sit back.

"Captain Karas." I say, in my best diplomatically grovelling voice, "We are explorers, and made a simple mistake by coming into your airspace. If you'll let us turn round, we'll remove ourselves, and I'll send a letter of comnedation to your government for the masterful way you conducted this incident."

"Your entire crew will be transported in five minutes by our mass transporter." Karas tells us, "To a safe planet in your space where you can reside. In a few months, we may choose to inform your commanders where you are, and they can rescue you."

"This is outrageous!" shouts Worf, "You will pay for your insolence!"

"...Or we may not." continues Karas. "Your starship will be taken by us to a Myranian scrapyard, where it will be crushed, and the metal used to build a Myranian ship. You can take comfort in knowing that your puny vessel will be making a REAL ship, that is worthy of battle."

The signal is gone.

"We have to attack the vessels now." says Worf and Riker, as if in tune.

"We cannot." Data tells them, "Sensors show that the four battleships have far superior weapons. We would be destroyed if there were just one."

"What are we going to do, Captain?" asks Deanna.



THIS is the woman that I ask for advice? Time is ticking away before we are all beamed off.

Come to think of it, there are two I know that won't be beamed off. Only they can save the ship.

Quickly, I instruct the computer to record a message to be activated with a holo-image of me the instant everybody leaves the ship.

------------

Suddenly, we all vanish, and over 1000 of us find ourselves on a tree-infested world, that looks well stocked with fruit and water.

Some crewmembers, who were on the nightshift, and were sleeping, are still in their jimjams. Ensign Britney complains that she did not have time to collect her chewing gum.

I instruct the staff to search for various places we can stay and things we can eat while we wait for the Enterprise to come back... if it ever does.

To be continued...

TWQ: Vacation Brochure Hidden Meanings

As people are booking their vacations, they look in brochures. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into some of the phrases they use.

Can you think of an alternate meaning that some of the vacation brochures might mean? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

'Simple rooms' .... walk 100 yards to the toilet.

'Two minutes to the beach' ... if you take a jet plane.

'Locals are friendly' ...women might get sexually attacked.

'Locals are very friendly' ... men might get sexually attacked.

'Busy area of town' .... very noisy.

Now it's over to you...

Do Not Disturb Picard!

Guest Poster: Will Riker

The Cap approaches me as he is about to leave after a shift.

"Now then, Number One." he starts, "I know you're about to do the 'graveyard shift' for tonight. I am telling you that I've had a very exhausting day, and under NO circumstances am I to be disturbed and woken up."

"But what if we get an alien invasion, Captain?" I ask, "Won't we..."

"I'm sure you can handle it." he says, "This is your chance to sit in the Captain's chair and look after everything."

The Cap walks off and I fit down on the Captain's chair. It feels very comfy.

"Deanna." I point out to her, "Why is it the Captain's chair is comfier than the Commander's?"

"Perhaps for the same reason he has got one more star on his uniform than you have?" she points out.

Sometimes Deanna has a way of putting things.

--------------

Some hours later, we are surrounded by four unknown shipsd, and get a visual hail on the screen. I put away the donut I am eating.



"I am Inspector Vartak of the Chameloid race." he declares, "You will be ready for boarding."

I tell him who we are, and that we will not allow ourselves to be boarded. He switches off.

"We may have to let him on, Will." Deanna tells me, "We are in Chameloid space. If we have committed an offence, it may be in our best interests. Besides that, there are four warships around us."

"You're right, Deanna." I tell her, "Though I'm not fond of letting a Chewbacca lookalike on the Enterprise."

I switch on and talk to Chewie... I mean the Inspector, asking him what the problem is.

"We've had reports of a disturbance in the area." he informs us, "We have been told that an alien starship has assaulted a member in the Sleazy Tavern on our planet and made off with a replicator. The starship was this one, the Warbird Centreprise."

"You've got the wrong ship," I tell him with smugness, "Warbirds are Romulan ships, this is the USS Enterprise. We saw the ship you are referring to six light years away."

Vartak looks embarrassed. As much as any of his race could look that way.

"Sorry to trouble you, Commander." he tells me, "We'll be on our way."

The four ships hurry off in the direction I pointed them. Worf will be happy that some Romulans will be in a Chameloid prison.

----------------

A few hours later, the Cap is up, and I am telling him what happened.



"Well done, Number One." he comments.

"Thank you, sir" I say, "I just wanted to ask something about the Captain's chair..."

Mayor Of Unimatrix Zero

Guest Poster: Annika Hansen

All the inhabitants of Unimatrix Zero are getting a little bored right now.

There are all these people campaigning to be Mayor. So many posters fixed on the trees.

Of course, we are all Borg in real life, but those of them that possess the recessive gene in their bodies are allowed to exist in Unimatrix Zero when they are regenerating in their alcoves. My counterpart Seven of Nine wouldn't be too happy if she knew she was also Annika Hansen here!

---------

I hear a knock on the wall of my cave.

"Hello Annika." says a familiar voice.



"Axum." I say with a groan, "What do you want? I thought you'd be with your new lover, that Trill named Vi Toran. She's not up to much, is she?"

"Annika." he replies, "Don't speak ill of Vi. I know we used to be close, but that's not why I'm here. I've decided to run for Mayor, and I was hoping if I could count on your vote?"

After I stop laughing, I remind him of all the secret assignations he went on before we parted, and all his time at the golf club.

"You'd be a politician with a sordid past." I tell him, "You had a mistress while you were with another woman. Axum, come to thing of it, you have the ideal image of a politician!"

Axum walks off sadly, as he knows my vote is not one he is going to get. After all, he can't have a policy to put car park fees up for the time someone is absent, just because their Borg selves are away from their alcoves.



Korris, my Klingon next door neighbour walks in and says he heard the commotion and laughing, and asks to make a suggestion.

"Why don't YOU run for Mayor, Annika?" he says, "I'm sure you'd be very popular. I could persuade all the Klingons to vote for you if you give them some favours in the tax system."

I consider this.

"Do you think it's possible?" I say, "I'd have to run against my former lover Axum. He would have the support of the Trills because of his mistress Vi Toran."

"But you will have the Klingons." Korris reminds me, "And all those who like your famous upside-down cake."

"What about the other contenders?" I ask.

"They will soon fall out of the running once they see the opponents. I'll be your Campaign Manager."

"All right, Korris." I say with a firm decision, "Let's start the ball rolling."