Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Sleep Deficiency (Part One)

"I couldn't sleep last night, Bev." I tell her, "It's the second sucessive night."

"I noticed you were tossing and turning." she replies, "As it happens, neither could I."

"I guess we'll just have to go through the day at half speed and hope that nothing complicated happens." I comment, "The ship didn't seem to be passing through any space storms, so I don't know what it was."


Two hours later, the senior staff are all assembled in my Ready Room for the morning briefing. All of them look a little peaky for some reason. Even Data is yawning.

"Sorry if I look a little dozy." I tell them, "Neither I nor Doctor Crusher got any sleep in bed last night."

Bev reddens, and I hastily add that neither of us could get to sleep for some reason.

This provokes a whole barrage of comments, with everyone trying to talk at once, with the consensus being that they could not sleep as well.

"Deanna and I didn't either." Riker informs us.

"Nor did Jadzia and me." Worf tells me.

"Neither did me and my soulsistah T'Pol." Ensign Britney comments, while sleepily chewing gum.

"My alcove is failing to re-energise me sufficiently." Seven tells us, "Therefore I am not at optimum strength right now."

"Ensign Baxter and myself failed to as well." Data states.

This last comment raises a few eyebrows.

"You, Data?" I ask, "You're an android. How can a non-sleeping bug affect you?"

"I do not know." he answers, "I am fitted with an EverReady superpower rechargable battery that would go for 100 years even if I did not charrge it up at night. When I activated myself this morning, I was in a state of extreme sleepiness, but not enough to make me sleep."

"Just like the rest of us." I say to them all "Something has happened, or somebody has done something to prevent us all sleeping. In the state we are in, the Enterprise is very vulnerable. This this goes on, any alien could just walk on in a couple of days and take over the ship."

"What can we do to prevent this anti-sleeping bug." Riker asks, "We all need to hit the hay."

Data looks confused, but Jennifer Baxter tells him that she will explain it later.

"A lullaby always worked wonders when I was young." Jadzia tells us.

"I am a Klingon warrior!" Worf retorts, "Klingons do not have lullabies!"

"Well we'd better think of something soon." I tell them all, "Before something bad happens."

To be continued...

Sunday, March 29, 2009

800th Post!

Guest Poster: Seven Of Nine

Greetings. I am Seven of Nine. The more obsevant of you humans will have noticed that this is the 800th post of Locutus' Journal. You may well ask why is he not writing this himself.

He was called out with Commander Riker and some of the other staff on an urgent Away Mission. I could see that he was about to start recording this message when he was requested to come. Locutus then said a few phrases that we do not allow on the Borg Cube and walked away.

With the Journal still running, I saw it as my duty to mark this occasion with my interpretation.

Naturally, numbers are irrelevant to the Borg. Come to think of it, irrelenvances are irrelevant also. I think in the Cube, that is the nearest thing we have to a Borg joke. After all, how can drones tell jokes to each other when we are all of one mind? Everybody would know the punchline.

I detract from my objective. We are here because of this being the 800th post of Locutus' Journal. Some of you may have read this for some length of time, and naturally would have been overjoyed at the time my glorious leader the Borg Queen or myself had managed an entry.

The Artificial Life Forms Convention back in October was the beginning to a lot of trouble for both the Borg and the Federation


Because of this, it started a war with the Cylon race . When the Cylons threatened the Alpha Borg Queen during a Borg meeting in November, trouble was starting.


The Borg Queen warned Locutus of the threat in


Then it was time for War is the Borg and Federation waged war on the Cylons.


Fortunately this was all resolved in time for Christmas, as the Enterprise held there annual Christmas Party in a holodeck that resembled a Borg Cube. Locutus had to play host to the Supreme Borg Leader, the Alpha Borg Queen.


In February, the Borg Queen had started to implement plans for a Feng Shui design in her Cube.

And in...

"What's going on?" I hear someone say behind me.

"Greetings, Locutus." I say, "I was just completing your 800th post for you. Naturally, I didn't not expect you back yet."

"That seems clear enough." he answers in a somewhat sarcastic manner, "See, Seven, it's Captain Picard's Journal....that's me...."

"Other people contribute, Locutus." I answer.

"I agree." he tells me with a sigh, "I allow that to give it the scope it needs, even you and the Borg Queen. But it would have been good if you had allowed me to do the 800th post on my own."

"Numbers are irrele.." I start to say, but realise that this could be a mistake to say to a human. They are rather sentimental and like to reach milestones on their own.

"Time for Journal entry coming to an end." the computer speaks out.

Locutus shakes his head.

"Happy 800th Post, Locutus." I say to him.

"Thanks Seven." he reples, with a slight smile.

Locutus also asks me to thank all his readers for visiting, and asks them to comment more, or he may get me to assimilate them.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

TWQ: Turn-Off Tunes

TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at those songs that make us reach for the 'off' switch.

Are there any songs that make you switch the radio off, or change channels when it comes on? List as many as you wish.

My answer is:

Everybody Wants To Rule The World - Tears For Fears..... I really despise this song. It was played endlessly when it came out and eventually it started to grate my mind. I recognise it when the first couple of notes come on, so off it goes!

Now it's over to you...

But before I go...

Just a little reminder that this is the 799th post, so look out for the 800th one coming up next!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

The Reporter (Part Three)

I'm still escorting Jeff Raven, the reporter from the Galactic Gazette around the Enterprise. He insists on dressing and behaving like a zany reporter from a 1930's movie. He has no trouble in offending anyone


"So, Captain." says Raven, "Any chance we can go down to meet that guy who talks weird."

"Who are you referring to?" I ask, "Geordi LaForge does not talk weird."

"Not him." Raven tells me, "I'm referring to the Scotsman who says "We canna break the laws of physics." or "The engines canna take it, Cap'n""

"I think you're referring to Montgomery Scott." I correct him, "He served on the Enterprise around ninety years ago."

"Ah, so you mean I can't meet that crochety doctor who argues with the Vulcan?."

"Sorry." I say, some of your facts are a little dated.

Seven of Nine approaches us.

"Ah, now here's someone I wanted to talk to!" exclaims Raven, "Hey honey, can I have a moment of your time."

Seven looks confused.

"My name is not honey." she answers, "I am Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01."

"Yeah, yeah." Raven says dismissively, "Well I'd better not take a photo as it might scare the kiddies. Can I ask a few questions?"

Seven looks like me, and I indicate that it is all right.

"Okay, sweetie," Raven says, getting his pad and pen out, "How does it feel like being a Borg?"

"We are Borg." Seven states, "Resistance is Futile."

"Yeah, I see that." Raven comments, "What's it like to be assimilated?"

"Total perfection." Seven enthuses, "All our minds are one, we think as one. Unrelenting, the Hive Mind looks after us all. The Borg Ideal is the ultimate pinnacle of existance."

"Err...yeah." Raven says, as he scribbles it all down, "Very good."

"I could arrange to have you assimilated." Seven comments calmly, "You may get a good discount."

"Err, no thanks, sweetie." Raven says, "I'll take a rain check on that if you don't mind."

"Very well." Seven answers, "But when we DO come and assimilate you, there will be no discount."

We go on a little more and I say, "Well that's the end of the tour, Mr Raven."

"Is it?" he says, slightly sad, "I'd like to hear some of the gossip around the ship, or the romances that are going on."

"Sorry Mr Raven." I say, I hardly think that's suitable for the Gazette."

Beverly comes round to greet me, and does not see Raven right away.

"Hello Jean-Luc" she says, "Are we all set for our date in the holodeck tonight? The beaches under the twin moons of Ephus III are SO romantic. As soon as I get off my shift in SickBay I'll be waiting for you."

Bev kisses me, and Raven's flash takes the picture.

"Hold it right there!" he exclaims, "That will be a great picture for the readers, "The Captain and the Doctor in cahoots! They're gonna love this!"

I look desperate. "Mr Raven..."

The reporter is already on his way out.

Bev touches her Com Badge.

"Security." she says, "Mr Worf....show the reporter to the Transporter Room. Make sure he accidentally drops his camera."

Sometimes Bev knows just what to do!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Reporter (Part Two)

Right now, I'm escorting a reporter from the Galactic Gazette around the Enterprise. It's a PR event dreampt up by Starfleet so that the public know more about us.

The reporter, Jeff Raven, insists on talking like an exaggerated image of the zany reporter that was seen in B movies of the 1930's and 1940's.

I definately need a stress pill with me.


"Gee, this is some place you've got here, Captain." Raven says to me as we tour the corridors of the ship, "What will you do if the bad guys show up?"

"The bad guys?" I reply in a puzzled tone.

"Yeah, you know, the Klingons and all those other sneaky aliens."

"I must have you visit Mr Worf." I tell him candidly, "I'm sure he'd be quite happy to answer your questions on that topic, especially regarding the Klingons."

We turn the corner, and just as I hoped they wouldn't, Ensign Britney and her friend T'Pol are walking towards us.

"Wow!" exclaims Raven, "You've got two superbabes here, Captain. Say sweeties, would you like to be in the centrespread of the Galactic Gazette? You'd be be voted Gazette Gals of the Year."

I cringe, as I see the growing anger in both Britney & T'Pol.

"We don't read rags like the Gazette." Britney declares.

"Aw come on honey." Raven pleads, "Come out with me and I'll see you get voted."

T'Pol pushes him against the wall.

"Brit is NOT your honey." T'Pol declares, "The Gazette has gone downhill since it featured women like you suggest. Neither I nor my friend wish to be part of it."

Both women grab him and boot him down the corrider. All the more painful for Raven as Britney has her Dr Martens on.

I should tell them off, but I would like to have done the same with Raven. The Gazette has gone downhill in recent times. As I walk to the reporter, I give a slight smile to Britney & T'Pol.

"Whew." Raven says as I pick him up off the floor. You have a couple of powerful women there. I wouldn't like to meet them on a dark night.

"Do you wish to go on with the tour, Mr Raven?" I ask.

"Sure." he answers, "I can't sit down right now. That boot has left my backside a little sore."

To be continued...

Sunday, March 22, 2009

The Reporter (Part One)

"Who's this I'll be seeing?" I ask Riker.

"Apparently, Captain." he replies, "It's a reporter from the Galactic Gazette. I'm told he wants to do an interview."

I groan.

"I suppose this is another Public Relations gimmick from Starfleet?" I tell him, "They are always trying to make what we do more accessible to the public. I suppose you'd better show him in."


A man in an ill-fitting outfit, carrying an ancient camera and wearing a brown trilby with a 'Press' card inserted bounds into the Ready Room, full of life.

"Gee, this is PERFECT!" he exclaims, "This place looks like where all the decisions are made, now if you just sit at your desk and look important, I'll take this picture. This should be a great cover shot!"

The flash goes off with such force the room lights up and my eyes take five minutes to readjust.

"Sorry about that." says the reporter, "I'm Jeff Raven, hottest reporter at the Gazette. Are you Captain Picard? I hope your bald head didn't affect the flash image on the picture?"

"Err...yes." I say, "You ought to get permission before taking photographs, some places on the ship are Classified."

"Yeah, yeah." says Raven, "I've always wanted to do a feature in this ship. I finally wore the Editor down into giving me a chance."

"You mean he gave up." Riker comments wryly, "I can't help noticing, Mr Raven, that your clothing and style is rather dated. Not quite 24th century."

"Call me Jeff." he replies, "Yeah, well I love those old early 20th century movies that featured a zany reporter. I've modelled myself on them."

"All right Mr Raven." I tell him firmly. You will be escorted around the ship, and I will answer some of your questions...but only some."

"Sure, sure." Raven answers, "Let the show begin."

At that moment, Deanna Troi enters the room. Raven's eyes bulge out.

"Wowza, wowza, wowza!" he exclaims, "If the gals are like this, I'm in for a real treat!"

Deanna promptly slaps him on the face. This only seems to make Raven smile even more.

"Come on, Captain." he urges, "Get a move on."

I wince. I might be tempted in giving him a practical demonstration as to how an airlock works.

To be continued...

Saturday, March 21, 2009

TWQ: Caption Question

As a change from the usual TWQ (The Weekend Question), I am asking you to find an appropriate caption for the picture below.

Can you find a good caption for this picture, which is of Prince Charles and Camilla visiting Rio in Brazil and watching some locals dancing....enjoy thinking up some witty ones!

My answer is:

"No, Charles, I don't want to dance in one of those outfits."

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Queen Diana's Visit (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Karena

Things are in a near panic right now.

My mother, Queen Diana is visiting the Rhode Island, but has come with my mischievous sister Nexa.

She has grabbed Commander Hathaway and is taking him for a ship tour. As both of them hive high hormones it might not belong before a scandal happens.

My mother looks rather concerned.

"Captain Hernandez." she says diplomatically, "My daughter Nexa can be a little difficult and headstrong. Could you please keep track of her."

I see this as a sign. I've known my sister too long. She and I never got on when we grew up on Wondawowman.

"Captain." I say quietly, "Is it all right for Wes and I to handle this?"

"Yes." she replies, "You have my permission to do anything to stop an incident happening."

With a statement like that, the Captain is clearly worried that the Commander break any Royal protocols, so to speak. His record with princesses is not good. He was caught in a compromising position with Princess Talia just a short time ago. We don't want another one to be a conquest.

"Computer." I say, when touching my Com badge, "Tell me the location of Commander Hathaway."

"Commander Hathaway is in his quarters."

"He didn't waste much time, did he?" Was comments.

"No." I say, "Let's go."

I grab my spear and drag Wes along to where the Commander is. We don't want the tour he is giving to include one of his body, although knowing my sister, she'd be quite willing.

The door is locked, but I use the secret Royal Diplomatic Entrance Code, and get through.

"What are you doing here, Ensign." asks Hathaway, who looks like he was about to remove his uniform top.

"Sorry sir." I stay, "I have my orders from the Captain to escort the Princess back to the Queen."

Nexa looks annoyed.

"Always wanting to spoil the fun, aren't you, sister." Nexa says with a sneer, "You never want me to enjoy myself....just because you never do."

She looks at Wes when saying this, just to enrage me.

"Don't let her get to you, pumpkin." Wes tells me, "She's just mad because she didn't get someone to add to her long, long, list."

Nexa doesn't like that, and we escort the two of them back.

The Captain personally thanks me, and says she'll have 'one or two words to say to the Commander tonight'

I can envisage they will be loud and very choice ones as well!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Queen Diana's Visit (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Erika Hernandez

With Queen Diana of the amazon planet Wondawowman making an official visit, the crew of the Rhode Island are all prepared. I'm even more worried when Ensign Karena tells me that her sister Nexa, who is with her mother Diana is a very mischievous sort.

I take her advice seriously, and with Commander Hathaway at my side, I have Karena and her husband Wesley Crusher next to me. After all, this visit is just an excuse to meet her daughter.

"Behave yourself, Mark." I say to the Commander, "After all, she is a very important person."

"Don't worry, sweetie." he whispers in my ear, "I'll be my usual self."

"That's what I'm worried about." I retort.

The Royal Shuttlecraft lands in the bay, and the four of us step forward to greet our guests.

"Greetings, Captain Hernandez." says the Queen, "It is a pleasure to visit your starship."

"Thank you, your majesty." I start, "May I introduce..."

I am about to introduce Commander Hathaway, but as he is a man, the Queen is not interested. She looks instead at Karena.

"Blessed Daughter!" she exclaims, "It is such a pleasure to see you again."

"And I you, mother." she replies, "I miss you so much."

The Queen eyes Wesley, then almost relectantly greets him, then turns her attention back to Karena.

"Daughter, has your Life Servant been fulfilling his duty?" she asks firmly, "I hope to have a Royal Granddaughter before long. The family line must carry on."

Karena goes rather red-faced at this.

"Wesley and I have being trying, Mother." she answers, "I hope we can provide you with what you want soon."

Wesley is trying to look elsewhere, as if the ground will swallow him up.

Eventually another figures comes out from behind the Queen.

"Captain." says the Queen, "May I present my other daughter, the blessed Princess Nexa."

Nexa comes forward, gives me a cursory nod, and looks comtemptously at Karena.

"Greetings, Sister." she says with venom.

"Sister Nexa." Karena replies.

These two have a dislike for each other...big time!

Nexa winks at Wesley and then looks at Mark Hathaway.

"My." starts Nexa, "I was unaware that you had such handsome men on the ship. Commander, would you care to give me a tour?"

Hathaway looks transfixed, as if he has just won the Galactic Lottery, puts his arm with her and the two walk out of the shuttlebay.

All of us look rather stunned. I am beginning to know what Karena meant when she warned me about Nexa.

Things might get rather difficult. What do I do with a tricky Princess and a Commander whose hormones are high?

To be continued...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Queen Diana's Visit (Part One)

Guest Poster: Wesley Crusher

What can I say? The mother-in-law is visiting!

Queen Diana of Wondawowman, the planet of the amazons, has taken it upon herself to make an official visit to the USS Rhode Island in her capacity of Ambassador of the planet in the Federation.

Of course, it's all an excuse to visit my honeybunch wife Karena, and check up if everything is all right with her. She might also say "hello." to me if she's in a good mood. As I'm a mere Life Servant to Karena, Diana doen't rate me very highly.

Captain Erika Hernandez visits our quarters. I think she wants to be sure she addresses Diana properly. Karena gets up to instruct her.

"Just address her as any normal Queen, Captain." says Karena, "Be sure that Commander Hathaway is standing well behind you, though. My mother will take offence if he attempts to stand next to you. I have had to give the same instructions to Wes."

I wince that this reminder. Karena was up all last night giving me a resume of Wondawowmian royal etiquette.. Every time I got something wrong, she prodded me with that spear of hers.

I'm still sore now.

"Thank you, Ensign Karena." says the Captain, gratefully, "I shall go over these tonight with Commander Hathaway in my quarters....err...I mean at the earliest opportunity."

I wonder why Captain Hernandez went red-faced then.

I ask Karena this and she laughs.

"Oh, dear pumpkin." she says with a smile, "You're so naive!"

Why is it I can never work out what women are saying?


The next day, Grell informs us that the Royal Shuttle is on it's way to the Rhode Island and gives us the co-ordinates.

"There are two life-forms on board, Captain." Grell comments, "Communications say it is the Queen and her daughter."

Karena winces.

"That's all we need!" she comments angrily, "My mischievous sister Nexa is here."

To be continued...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

TWQ: Relaxing

TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks this week about forms of relaxation. Different people all have their own methods.

Besides going on the computer, how do you like to relax? Is there anything unusual? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

I have a large DVD collection, plus a complete set of Stargate SG1 and Star Trek: Voyager and all the Lost episodes on DVD (so far). Putting on one of my many films or an episode from one of those listed is a super way to wind down, be it with Frodo in Middle Earth, Don Corleone, The Terminator movies, singing in Hairspray or Mamma Mia! or wallowing in The Hours or Same Time Next Year.. So many places to go!

Now it's over to you.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part Six)

Editor' Note:

Luther Sloan, Director of the secret unit Section 31 is sending two of his newest and most beautiful agents to infiltrate the USS Enterprise. Agents J and K will pose as Ensigns Jayne Jackson and Kay Kassandra, and will report on whether the ship is run properly and if Captain Picard is up to the job, otherwise he will be replaced by a Section 31 operative. The two agents are now on the Enterprise, and are causing a stir. After a fight with Ensign Britney & T'Pol, who found they were agents, the Captain is sending someone in to gain their trust and catch them.


Guest Poster: Jennifer Baxter

Ro Laren and I walk carefully into Ten Forward, where we have been told that Kay Kassandra and Jayne Jackson are sitting together during a duty break.

"This is gonna be tough, Jen." Ro says to me, "These are are secret Section 31 agents, and we've got to get them to trust us."

"It's not easy." I answer, "I think we need to approach them for a girly chat."

Ro Looks a little puzzled, but I urge to play along when we talk to them.

We approach Kay & Jayne who are whispering slyly, just like the furtive agents that they are.

"Hiya girls!" I say cheerily, with a smile on my face so wide, it's almost going round the other side.

"Beat it, smiley!" replies Jayne. Her partner looks at us both with a glare.

"No need to take offence." I quickly say, "I heard how you two took out Britney and T'Pol. Frankly, they had it coming. They are a real couple of weird loudmouths who needed taking down a peg or two."

"Err..yeah." Ro joins in, "Those two were always causing trouble and getting put in the brig."

"Glad we could oblige." Kay tells me, "Want to join us? We're just having a Solarian Brandy?"

"Don't mind if we do." I say, "Call me Jenny."

Great! They first vital hurdle is crossed. The next problem will be to stay sober while talking to them while having a Solarian Brandy. Hopefully that will loosen their tongues a little.


A few hours later, the four of us are laughing and giggling together. I urge Guinan to get another four Solarian Brandies. She rolls her eyes at us. Now is the time for the important stuff.

"If you ask me." I say, "Picard isn't up to being a Captain anymore. After all, I've been an Ensign for years."

"It's been the same for me." Ro comments, "If something isn't done, the four of us will be Ensigns forever."

Ro's got the idea!

Jayne looks at Kay. They both nod their heads.

"Well it might not be like that for much longer, Jenny & Ro." Jayne tells me in a slightly drunken manner, "You see the two of us belong to a secret group within Starfleet that answers to no one, named Section 31. We are here to see how things are. From what we see, Picard will have to go, and a Section 31 operative put in place."

"Really?" Ro answers, looking at me, "That's fascinating."

I click my Com, "It's time."

All of the senior staff come in and grab Jayne and Kay.

"Your conversation was most interesting." says the Captain, "Thank you Ro and Jennifer for recording it."

The two agents look at us in fury, as if we've just had the last two tickets to a rock concert.

"You'll be sorry." says Kay, "And as for you, Picard, we are just wheels within wheels. If you think Section 31 won't get you replaced, you are mistaken."

They get dragged away, screaming.

"Do you think that is true?" I ask the Captain.

"Time will tell, Ensign Baxter" he answers, "Time will tell."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part Five)

Editor' Note:

Luther Sloan, Director of the secret unit Section 31 is sending two of his newest and most beautiful agents to infiltrate the USS Enterprise. Agents J and K will pose as Ensigns Jayne Jackson and Kay Kassandra, and will report on whether the ship is run properly and if Captain Picard is up to the job, otherwise he will be replaced by a Section 31 operative. The two agents are now on the Enterprise, and are causing a stir. They got in a fight with Ensign Britney & T'Pol, who were then taken to the brig until they released information about the new Ensigns to Bev and Deanna.


So here I am in my Ready Room, relaxing as much as I can. With no aliens to fight, everything seems so trouble free.

That can't last long, can it?

Suddenly there is a ruckus and I drop my earl grey tea into my lap. Why is it most of the tea I am about to consume ends there rather than me?

Four women barge into the room. Bev, Deanna, T'Pol & Ensign Britney. What a quartet!

"What's going on?" I struggle to say through my poured tea, "I thought these two were in the brig?"

"They were, but I got them out." Bev answers, "They know vital information about Kay Kassandra and Jayne Jackson...or whoever their names are."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that they are Section 31 operatives, Jean-Luc." Bev answers.

I go white, as if I've been working in the chalk mines.

"Are you sure?"

They all tell me the story, which makes me groan more with every telling. I decide to get all the senior staff in to discuss it.


"I should think Seven would be keen on assimilating them." Riker comments in that humour that he has.

"She can have them, Number One." I reply.

"The collective would not want them." Seven states sharply, "There are some individuals the Borg would not want to add into the hive mind, and human spies such are these are two examples. It would give the Borg a bad name."

I try to keep my face straight at what Seven says and talk to the group.

"All right." I tell them, "In short, if we know they are Section 31 operatives, can we just remove them."

"They will just deny it ever happened and what T'Pol & Britney said." Deanna tells me.

"So we've got to catch them at it?" I ask.

"That's it." she answers, "Get someone to be friendly to them and act as a spy for us."

To be continued...

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part Four)

Editor' Note:

Luther Sloan, Director of the secret unit Section 31 is sending two of his newest and most beautiful agents to infiltrate the USS Enterprise. Agents J and K will pose as Ensigns Jayne Jackson and Kay Kassandra, and will report on whether the ship is run properly and if Captain Picard is up to the job, otherwise he will be replaced by a Section 31 operative. The two agents are now on the Enterprise, and are causing a stir. Already, they have got into a fight with T'Pol and Ensign Britney, who were taken to the brig.

Guest Poster: Beverley Crusher

Deanna and I go down to the brig to find out what T'Pol and Ensign Britney were up to. From what I've heard, they got into a fight with our latest Ensigns, Kay Kassandra and Jayne Jackson.

Hardly the sort of welcome we want on the Enterprise. Maybe they wanted some of Britney's chewing gum? I wouldn't put it past her.

"It seems very unlike T'Pol and Britney." muses Deanna as we approach, "They may be headstrong and different, but they don't usually attack crewmembers."

We enter the brig area. T'Pol & Britney are busily eating fish and chips, when they see us and look relieved.

"At last!" Britney sighs, "Two people with more than one brain cell each! Hopefully we'll get some sense into them."

"Yes, Brit." T'Pol confirms, "The staff here just don't seem to hear anything we say."

"Well you have been residents in here often." I point out to them, "People don't listen a lot."

"Well they ought to!" T'Pol says in exasperatation, "Those two aren't right."

"Who?" Deanna asks, "You mean Ensigns Jackson and Kassandra?"

"Yeah." she replies, "Except I'm willing to bet that Seven of Nine is a better qualified Ensign than they are."

"Why do you say that?" I ask.

"They used some fighting techniques I'd never seen before." Britney comments, "We were never taught them in the Academy, and had us sent flying across the room. I heard Guinan say something about the Del Markos Technique."

Deanna and I exchange worried glances, the sort she would use if she thought the replicators could not produce any chocolate.

"That's not all, is it sistah." Britney continues, "When I approached them, I heard them whisper about a Sloan and the number 31. Does that mean anything?"

It certainly does!" I exclaim, and get the guard to release them.

"Give us ten minutes." T'Pol says, "Let us finish our fish and chips. It's rare that the brig serve them, and they do the best in the galaxy."

I sigh.

To be continued...

Saturday, March 07, 2009

TWQ: Odd Changes

TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at pointless changes that companies around us have made.

Have you come across any changes in shops you've been in or companies that you might have worked for that are completely pointless and serve no benefit? Sometimes a person with common sense might see it makes things worse! List as many as you know.

My answers are:

* Norwich Union Insurance Company changing it's name to Aviva (just what is that?)

* My company moving part of it's phone centre to India. They see it as a good idea while it is clearly paying them peanuts. What do they do with the phone company previously here? In these days of financial problems, it doesn't bear well for them.

Now it's over to you...

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part Three)

Editor' Note:

Luther Sloan, Director of the secret unit Section 31 is sending two of his newest and most beautiful agents to infiltrate the USS Enterprise. Agents J and K will pose as Ensigns Jayne Jackson and Kay Kassandra, and will report on whether the ship is run properly and if Captain Picard is up to the job, otherwise he will be replaced by a Section 31 operative. The two agents are now on the Enterprise, and are causing a stir.


Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

These two new Ensigns have been turning a few heads. With the revealing outfits they wear and their hypnotic eyes, the crew are finding them hard to avoid.

"What say we make friends with them, Brit?" asks T'Pol to me, as we sit in Ten Forward, watching Jackson & Kassandra chat together in the corner.

"Maybe they like to keep to themselves the way we do, sistah." I ask.

"Of course." T'Pol comments, "On the other hand they might just be lonely, "We might make a considerable foursome."

Yeah, honey." I say after some thought, "You're right. Let's go over and introduce ourselves."

We casually walk over to where the two friends are whispering. They look even more secretive than T'Pol and I are. I decide to turn on the friendship switch.

"Hi!" I say cheerily, "I'm Ensign Britney, and this is my soulsistah T'Pol. You're Jayne and Kay? We thought you might want to get together with us for a drink or two later."

Kay Kassandra looks at us both with her smile switched of, and gives a look of pure hatred and malice, as if someone has taken her place in the queue to use the holodeck.

"Butt out, baldy!" she sneers, "Can't you see that Jayne and I are busy in matters that don't concern you two weirdos."

T'Pol gets very aggressive.

"My friend Britney is from Delta. All people are without hair there." she shouts, "You WILL apologise."

The next few moments are filled with lots of fisticuffs and table smashing. When Security comes, and the four of us are led away, T'Pol and I to the brig.

"Lieutenant Worf." I say, as we are dragged there, "Those two used fighting techniques I have not seen at the Academy. They are not who they seem to be!"

Let's hope that they see those two for what they are before it is too late!

To be continued after the TWQ...

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part Two)

Editor' Note:

Luther Sloan, Director of the secret unit Section 31 is sending two of his newest and most beautiful agents to infiltrate the USS Enterprise. Agents J and K will pose as Ensigns Jayne Jackson and Kaye Kassandra, and will report on whether the ship is run properly and if Captain Picard is up to the job, otherwise he will be replaced by a Section 31 operative.


"Who are the new Ensigns coming abroad?" Riker asks me as we go along to the transporter room to welcome them on the ship.

"They are two women from the Starfleet Academy, Number One." I reply, "Let's go and make them feel welcome."

We join Beverly and Deanna and await their arrival as two figures beam aboard.

I'm sure that both mine and Riker's eyes pop out as we see them stroll off the podium. The blonde has a thigh-high mini-dress and the brunette has a green dress cut on the side.

Bev gives me a sharp dig in the ribs. I think I see Deanna doing the same with Riker.

"Err..ah welcome to the Enterprise." I start, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard and this is Commander Riker."

"I'm so thrilled to be here!" gushes the blonde, "I'm Ensign Jayne Jackson, and this is my colleague, Ensign Kay Casssandra."

"I know the Enterprise is a wonderful ship." Kassandra says, "When Jayne and I heard we were to be posted here, we couldn't believe our luck. I know the Captain and Commander are the best in Starfleet."

"Thank you, Ensign Kassandra." Riker answers, "That is really kind of you."

At this, he gets another prod in the ribs courtesy of Deanna's elbow.

"Ensigns." I ask, "Why is it you are not in uniform?"

"Oh, we are excused wearing them because of our ethnic origin." Kassandra answers, "I hope you don't mind. The details are all in the file we bought with us."

"That's fine." I tell them, "I'm sure it will be all right."

"Come on, Kay." Jackson gushes, "Let's explore this fantastic ship! I can hardly wait to see it."

The pair of them stroll out, with both Riker and I following their steps. I know our ribs are getting sore with all the elbows being poked into them.

"Laying it on with a space trowel, aren't they?" Bev comments with a sarcastic tone.

"What do you mean."

"Well, they seem so false." Bev continues, "Saying how wonderful everything is. Very shallow."

"They just seem like two excited Ensigns on their first day." Riker says.

"Hogwash!" Deanna exclaims, "I agree with Bev. "They do seem false. My empathic senses are telling me they are hiding something. Captain, we need to be careful with them."

I get a headache. Are Bev and Deanna a little jealous, or is there something about these new Ensigns?"

To be continued...

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Enterprise Infiltration By Section 31 (Part One)

Guest Poster: Luther Sloan

I've got to remember not to act like a gibbering wreck. After all, I am the director of Section 31, the secret unit that operates within Starfleet. We make our own rules and answer to no one.

I still know a gorgeous girl or two when I see them.

Agent J and K are about to come into my office and I'll be giving them a top secret assignment. It's hard to talk properly to them as they are the most beautiful women in the galaxy.


A knock on the door. I straighten my hair, look in the mirror and see if I look presentable.

Why am I doing this? I'm the one in charge!

Agent J and K drift in and sit down, their hypnotic eyes are focused on my, making it difficult to concentrate. This is just what happened when I was giving that speech a while ago, but made a mess of it because of them.

"Agent J and Agent K." I start, "Errr...congratulations. Both of you are now fully qualified Section 31 Operatives. You both scored high marks in multiple choice, eavesdropping and explosions."

"Why, thank you, Director." Agent J purrs softly, "It means so much to hear you say that."

I get dazed and after look at my notes, as I've forgotten what to do.

"Err....ummm thank you J" I say and turn to face them both, who seem to look at me intensely.

"Now I have an assignment for you." I tell them, "You are both to go on the USS Enterprise and report on activities that are going on there."

"How exciting!" trills K with joy, "You are wonderful in giving us such an important assignment, Luther."

"You must call me Director Sloan or sir." I playfully correct her.

"Of course...sir." she giggles.

"Now you will be going as Ensigns" I tell them, "Agent J, you will be Jayne Jackson, and K, you will be Kay Kassandra, newly arrived from the Academy. All the records have been falsified by our operative there."

"You're wonderful to think of all this!" J gushes at me, "We're so lucky to work for you."

I lose my concentration again and get disoriented.

"Err..yes, now where was I?" I start, "Ah yes, you'll observe all what is going on at the Enterprise and report back to me. Section 31 thinks that Captain Picard does not run the ship properly. If that is so, we will try and get him replaced by a Section 31 operative."

The two lovelies excitely walk off, to prepare for the transfer to the Enterprise.

That starship had better watch itself!

To be continued...