Halloween Party

We are in the holodeck and walking through Parisian sewers.



"I don't know why I agreed to this." I complain to Bev, "Surely we could have had a better Halloween party than tramping through these sewers trying to find Riker and Deanna."

"Oh, it's fun, Jean-Luc." Beverly tells me as I slip in the water again, "It's certainly different."

The senior staff and I are making our way to the Phantom's Lair. We are all dressed in top hats, capes or ballgowns. Typical styles of dress for a opera in the 19th Century. The off-key music, played by Riker is giving us the wherabouts about the location the party.

"I'll be glad to get there." Jadzia comments, "So that interminable organ music will stop." Everyone agrees to this.

Suddenly we are there. Deanna is tied to a post, and Riker rises from the ground, still playing the organ, like someone who used to play at the cinemas in the early 2oth century.

We untie Deanna, who says, "Will has definately got into the spirit of the occasion."

He steps off the organ to face us.



"Welcome to the Phantom's Lair!" Riker says with a mad cackle. His mask is effective. It looks nothing like him.

"The mask looks a distinct improvement." Seven comments, although I'm not sure whether that was said lightly, as Seven hasn't exactly got a sense of humour.

"Err...Captain??" says a familiar voice from the other side of the room. I see that it is Riker in a Phantom outfit.

"What is going on, Number One?" I ask.

"Well, when I programmed the scene, I went a little too far and the scene included the Phantom as well!" he tells me.

I groan.

"Computer, eliminate Phantom!" I call out. Nothing happens.

"I think there must be an anomoly in the program." Riker tells me, stating the obvious.

"Computer, reboot the program and return to scene, leaving out Phantom." I command.

"Affirmative."

For a second, we are in the square holodeck room, then back in the sewer. The Phantom has disappeared.

"That's a relief." sighs Bev, "Now let's enjoy ourselves."

The orchestra starts playing away, and we all get dancing, when the video wall lights up.





Who put THAT in?

"You call this Halloween scary?" comments T'Pol, "In the Terran Empire we REALLY know how to terrify people."

"Yeah, sistah!, You tell 'em!" yells out Ensign Britney, who she is dancing with, and is the only one not to conform, as she is (barely) wearing a goth outfit.



Surely Ensign Britney is the scariest here; she worries me more than Seven of Nine!

--------

After some hours, of consuming alcohol and dancing to creepy and romantic tunes, we all leave.

"I'm going to relax now." I tell Bev, "And I guarantee I won't be putting any opera on!

Data's Repair

Guest Poster: Data

At the moment, I am in some distress.

Due to a rather awkward crash-landing of the shuttle, caused by the failure of the retro landing gear, I am slowly making my way to a nearby town on the planet Rhysus III.

I expect the Enterprise to rescue me before long, but I need repairing now. The crash landing damaged my left leg and internal systems. When I performed a Level One Diagnostic upon myself, it informed me that I would go into permanant shutdown if the damage was not repaired very soon.

It is fortunate that I do not have my emotion ship turned on right now, otherwise, I would be in a state of 'high panic', as I believe it is called.

I see that the city is not very advanced. This is a concern, as they may not have the capability to deal with an android with positronic bodily problems.

Then I approach a building that may be able to help me.



Sid walks out into the forecourt. He is the technician who has been able to help the Enterprise out with his unorthodox and 20th Century ways. He recognises me.

"Hello mate." he says, "Gordon Bennett! You look worse for wear, Data my old chum. Let's get you into the Body Repair Shop and see what we can do."

"Thank you, Sid." I reply, "I did a Level One Diagnostic and found that the positronic generator is malfunctioning and requires..."

"Yeah, ok." he says , "Well never mind that, get up on the workbench and let's take a look at you."

I lie down on the bench, and Sid gets a spanner and screwdriver out. He starts tapping my leg, arm, chest and head.

"Yeah, well the watchemacallit has gone for a burton, mate." he informs me, "I might have another on the shelf here."

Sid then unscrews my left leg, removes it, and opens up part of my head.

He taps inside lightly with a hammer. My other leg shoots up in the air.

Sid puts my left leg on the bench, gets a chisel, then a hammer. I hear a loud banging. This concerns me.

"Do you think it is wise to use these implements, Sid?" I ask, "They are delicate parts."

"Don't worry, mate, you're in good hands."

Sid brings the leg over and screws it back on; he then taps inside my head again. This time, my left leg rises.

"I'll just put this fuse inside your head, mate." Sid informs me, "You should be ok now."

I perform a Level One Diagnostic to find that I am functioning perfectly.

"Thank you, Sid." I tell him, "I was unaware you had such a knowledge of positronics. Dr Soong would have been proud of you."

"It's nothing, mate." I tells me, "Just a bit of basic engineering that I picked up in the magazine Junior Engineer."

The Enterprise sends a message saying it will be picking me up in an hour. As I leave, Sid tells me he will forward the bill to Starfleet.

"Parts and labour don't come cheap, mate."

TWQ: Ideal Halloween Costume

As it's Halloween, next week, the time of wearing a costume is here if you are going to a party. TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks at what to wear.

What will you be wearing for Halloween this year? If you are not wearing a costume, what would your ideal choice be?

My answer is:

I think I'd like a glittering Elvis Las Vegas-style outfit if I could pick any one. It sounds though it might be rather heavy and warm, though.

Now it's over to you...

Ferengi Lecture (Part Two)

We are all being forced by Admiral Sawyer to listen to Damon Tik give a nauseating lecture on profit and how much it means to them, with all their Rules of Acquisition.

Lunch has just passed and we are ready to resume. Tik asks if we have all bought the Quadrophonic CDs, holographic DVDs and computer instruction manuals to Ferengi profit making that his underlings have in boxes outside.

-------------

"Latinum is so important to us Ferengi." starts Tik, "Let others keep their reputations...we want the latinum (ROA 189). Even a blind man can recognise the glow of latinum.(ROA 123)"

"Have you ever thought of donating your profit to a good cause, Damon?" asks Jadzia.

"There's nothing wrong with charity, madam." replies Tik, "...as long as it ends up in your pocket." (ROA 144)

"I can't stand much more of this!" Bev comments to me, "Jean-Luc, get him off the stage; his schemes are not in line with Federation policy."

"I agree, Bev." I say, "Admiral Sawyer is mistaken if he thinks this lecture is useful in promoting intergalactic harmony. It only causes animosity."

Before I move to get Tik off the stage, a woman enters the room. She is Ambassador Sel, a Kovan representative.

"I just had to see this lecture." she declares softly, "I've heard so much about the Ferengi; I just love their large ears."

This comment destabilises Tik, who was saying that you can't make a deal if you are dead (ROA 125).

"You look very attractive, madam." Tik says to her.

"As do you", she replies, "I am Sel. Could you tell me all about oo-mox? I've been fascinated about that."

This excites Tik to a fever pitch. Oo-mox is the procedure where a female rubs a Ferengi's ears. It is considered highly erotic.

He runs over to her, and her hand touches his ear.



"They feel beautiful." purrs Sel, "I'd love to do this privately, Tik."

"S-so would I. You have a wonderful name. Sel is just right for a Ferengi."

With that, the two start to leave, but Tik's underling calls out.

"What about the lecture, Damon?" Dak asks, "Remember, she can touch your lobes, but never your latinum." (ROA 40)

"Remember also, Dak" Tik replies, "Beware the man who doesn't make time for oo-mox." (ROA 223)

Both Tik and Sel disappear from the lecture hall eagerly.

"I think we've learnt a lot, Number One." I tell him, as we leave, "And Tik has done even more so, as one of the unwritten Laws of Acquisition I've heard is 'Money is money, but females are better'."

"I'll go along with that one!"Riker laughs.

Ferengi Lecture (Part One)

"I don't see why we should have to go, sir." I say with a protesting air.

"In the interests of intergalactic harmony, Picard." replies Admiral Sawyer with a tired sigh, "The Ferengi may well be a thorn in your side, but we can try to be friendly with them."

"But attending a lecture on how to make a profit is a bit much, sir." I counter, "After all, traditionally, we don't use currency any more, but trade items of value."

"You'll have to use bars of latinum, Picard." Sawyer tells me, "These lectures don't come cheap."
"You mean we have to PAY to go to these lectures!" I say with surprise, "I thought we were only going to be friendly to the Ferengi."

"So we are." the Admiral replies, "But you don't expect a profit-mad race like the Ferengi to be giving them away free, do you?"

"I suppose not." I concede, "I hope we can claim all the money we pay on Expenses."

"Er...no, Picard." Sayer says quietly, now take the senior staff along to the lecture."

--------------

Some time later, we are awaiting the Ferengi to beam aboard.



As he beams on with an entourage and several boxes, I go forward to introduce myself and the staff. He rushes by.

"Yes, I know you're Picard." says the Ferengi, "I'm Damon Tik, now let's get to where I'll be giving the lecture. Valuable profit-making time is being lost while I'm here talking to you."

Tik is quickly taken by Worf to the lecture hall, while the others follow them, struggling with their boxes of materials, which I see are items to sell while entering and leaving the lecture.

---------------

Half an hour later, the crew are outside the entrance, all grumbling that they won't be let in until they have paid their Admission Fee. Tik comes out to see why they are not in yet.

"Time, like latinum, is a highly limited commodity." Tik reminds his underlings, "Dont forget that Rule of Acquisition."

"Get them in, Number One." I say, "I'll try and get Starfleet to reimburse them later."

Soon we are all ready to listen.

"Remember, making money is all you should be thinking of." Tik starts, "Us Ferengi are masters of making a profit out of anything that moves. If you have a family, don't let them stand in the way of opportunity (ROA 6) . It's so important, as greed is eternal (ROA 10)

Suddenly he stops and shouts to one of his underlings.

"Dak! Have you sold all the Entrance Tickets?"

"Nearly, Damon Tik." he replies.

"Only 'nearly'." says a livid Tik, "Remember, enough is never enough." (ROA 97)

We are forced to wait ten minutes until Dak has sold all the tickets, who has grabbed a few unwilling crewmen and forced them to give Dak some latinum.

"This is ridiculous." complains an irritated Riker, "I was forced to give this Ferengi a bar of latinum to see this!"

Riker walks over, and complains to Tik about the situation.

"The First Rule of Acquistion, Commander." Tik declares with a smug smile, "Is 'once you have their money, you never give it back." (ROA 1)

Finally, they are ready to start....again.

"Now then, everybody." Tik says, "As I was saying, opportunity plus instinct equals profit (ROA 9), so keep your ears open (ROA 7). Don't be afraid to deal with those higher in your chain of command, after all, employess are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them" (ROA 211)

"Is moneymaking all you think about, Damon Tik." asks Deanna.

"Yes." replies Tik, "After all a Ferengi without profit, is no Ferengi at all (ROA 18). now we really must break for lunch. One can never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach." (ROA 214).

"This is intolerable." moans Worf, "We have all had to pay latinum to hear this Ferengi quote his Rules of Acquisition and how much he likes profit."

"I understand what you mean, Mr Worf." I reply, "He should guard against the 192nd Rule of
Acquisition....'never cheat a Klingon unless you can get away with it.'"

To be continued...

500th Post!

Yes, this is the 500th post! For two and a half years, this has been coming your way.

Instead of me saying anything about it, I thought I'd let the others who appear on give their congratulions or whatever. I'll start alphabetically with first names, and work down. I can see there are some that are quite eager to say what they think.

I hope this is a good idea. Anyway, I'll hand it over.

Annika Hansen: "No one knows I exist, as I'm in Unimatrix Zero, so this will be pretty hush hush. Captain Picard is very patient. He'd have to be to keep my other self running."

Beverly Crusher:



"He is the best there is. Jean-Luc is a wonderful person, leader, with immense skills. It adds nothing to the fact that we will be going on our 500th post celebratory date this evening."

Beverly Howard: An inept Captain from this universe. He has no idea of how to run things, neither does my counterpart Crusher, otherwise she would be Captain instead of a mere doctor. Perhaps I can sens a message to Starfleet asking them to pension him off?"

Boothby: "I can remember the little whippersnapper running around the Academy Gardens when he was a Cadet. I thought he'dnever get anywhere. I guess I was wrong this time, but I was right about that Janeway girl. She was getting lost as a Cadet. now no one knows where she is!"

Borg Queen: "Locutus is a fine human, and did well when we assimilated him a while back. I shall look forward to doing that again when we eventually take Seven of Nine back."

Borg Queen Troi: "This is a person I will joyfully wipe out of all existance when my Cube, Unimatrix 02 destroys the Enterprise, and rids me of the human Troi woman.

Britney: "Yeah, well, I'm sure he's a great guy. The trouble is, I've seen more of the Enterprise brig than the boss man. The only time I do, he is saying "Brig, Ensign Britney!" to me."

Data: "Captain Picard is an excellent person, who has served Starfleet well in his career so far. He is loyal and devoted, despite knowing where my 'off' switch is."

Deanna Troi: "I sense great feelings of celebration and joy concerning the fact that the Captain is releasing his 500th Post."

Doctor: "Well, I suppose I should give the solid some form of credit. He did install holo emitters throught the ship that enable me to walk around freely. He still sees Crusher in charge, though, and me as the backroom boy. Not much of a surprise, seeing how they drool over each other."

Geordi La Forge: "The Captain runs the Enterprise well. He gives me complete freedom of the Engine Room, which gives me space to come up with these nifty little ideas that make the ship go faster...or break down."

Guinan: "Jean-Luc and I know each other quite well, of course, having met in the 19th Century. I guess you can say we have an understanding between us. He knows when I have these hunches that no one can be aware of."

Jadzia Dax: "Both me and the Dax symbiot are pleased at how the Captain handles the vessel. Personally spreaking, don't don't tell anyone this, but he's a lot better than the Captain on that Deep Space Nine station."

James T Kirk: "Who? I thought I was Captain of the Enterprise?"

Jennifer Baxter: "Captain Picard is a good guy. He doesn't say anything aboout the relationship that Lietenant Commander Data and I have. Others might be tearing their hair out. Our Captain doesn't do that."

Karena: "As an amazon, you want me to praise a MAN? I'm sorry, but I can't possibly do that, even for my pumpkin, Wesley. It's strictly for women I highlight."

Kathryn Janeway: "Is he still around? As I've been lost in the Delta Quadrant with Chakotay and the others for who knows how long, I haven't a clue what's going on."

Lore: "Another one who is on my 'To destroy' list. naturally my wacky brother Data is first, but Captain Picard can have the honour of being second."

Lwaxana Troi:



"Oh, Jean-Luc is such a darling! I had him eyed up as a potential husband at one stage, but he seemed very reluctant. Ah well, he didn't know what joys he had missed. I'll have to put all my energies into getting my daughter married off to that Will Riker."

Mirror T'Pol: "This Captain would not send me back to the mirror universe when he could, even though it was two hundered years old. I'm stuck on this Enterprise now, although the futuristic gadgetry is fun to look at, and I do have my sista friend Britney on board. Picard has been in charge for some time. In the Terran Empire, we remove them after so long if we tire of them."

Q: "Oh, Jean-Luc has been going a long time. I wonder if he'd like me to drop in and congratulate him? Perhaps a marching band on the Bridge, or dress them up in clowns outfits? Sometimes he just doesn't seem to see eye to eye with me, for some reason."

Reg Barclay: "Err..well, um...I'd just like to say...errr..well, I think the Captain is err..doing...ummm.. an excellent job....and errr...is that ok?"

Ro Laren: "The Captain is very upstanding. He keeps the Cardassians off the ship. As long as that happens, everything is ok. If one of them visits, I get mad big time."

Seven Of Nine: "Locutus is a fine human to study on my visit to the Enterprise. He possesses good leadership potential, which will help the Borg well when he is reassimilated. The Borg are supreme."

Sloan: "Sadly, Picard did not join Section 31, although he shows the potential to be a member. We had a black coat and coat, plus a hidden camera all ready to give him."

Spock:



"The Captain has good moral character, and does not require a different female love interest every week, unlike another Captain I used to know."

Toots: "Yeah, Johnny is an ace guy. When I was his moll in the criminal gang, we really clicked, until that Crusher woman spoilt everything."

Vic Fontaine: I am most greatful to the Captain for creating the Sands holographic nightclub. As a result, we are running the Christmas Party this year."

Wesley Crusher: "Gee, is it 500 posts already? That's swell. My honeybunch, Karena and I are celebrating that. If it wasn't for the Captain, I would not be at the Academy and have met the woman I'll be marrying. The Captain must be so pleased I've saved the ship so many times."
Will Riker: "Yes, the Captain is STILL here, putting his posts, in, although I must admit, I'd like to be putting the Captain's posts in by now. Wouldn't he like a desk job? I've asked, but no, he is still there."

Worf: "The Captain is a fine man, probably the most honourable human I know. Naturally, Klingons are more, but I'm going somewhere else. It is a good day not to die."

---------------

Well that's it. What a group. They all seemed to have something to say. I hope you do in the Comment section as well. I look forward to hearing from you. This last 500 has been a great labour of love, in which I've come across so many wonderful people.

TWQ: Blog Starts

As the post after this one will be the 500th one, this TWQ (The Weekend Question) takes a look into how we all started in what we do.

Why did you start your particular blog, and how how it changed sinced the beginning, and the way it is now?

My answer is:

When I first started, I intended to do a blog about my life in the office that I worked, but thought it could be too dull, as not too much happened. I picked instead a subject that I knew a lot about, and decide to project it from a different point of view. The first posts were small, without pictures, but have grown over the times.

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

As mentioned above, the next post will be the 500th. Be sure to drop in when that comes, which will be from Sunday night onwards, British time.

Section 31 Career Interviews (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Sloan

Having come aboard the Enterprise to ask a few individuals if they would consider joining my group Section 31 hasn't been an easy task.

Naturally, I've come up against the predictable response from Captain Picard. His defensive blustering has always been a hazard, and a thorn in the side of Section 31. We always seem to come up against him in our honest subversive activities. It's all perfectly legal, as long as no one finds out about it.

I should have guessed that the Borg drone would give me trouble. After all, they are not real members of Starfleet, and it's the Borg who are on our list of people to eliminate.

"Let me see Lietentant Commander T'Pol." I dictate to Picard; he looks amazed.

"She is from the mirror universe of two hundred years ago!" he exclaims, "I don't see why you.."
"Just let me see her, Captain." I say with a sigh.



T'Pol enters, and views me with curiosity.

"Hello, T'Pol." I say, "My name is Sloan. Now I know you haven't been on the Enterprise long. I want you to know that there is another part of Starfleet that might appeal to you more, considering the tough environment that you've come from."

T'Pol leans forward. "Tell me more." she says.

I might have a recruit here. It'll mean a big bonus in my paycheck if I do.

"Well." I continue, "Section 31 is a group within Starfleet that pays little attention to standard rules. We have our own missions in which to destabilise certain alliances and create situations to suit ourselves."

"It sounds promising." T'Pol says, "Do I get to be in charge?"

"Er, not right away, T'Pol." I answer, "But after a while, if you are sneaky enough, you may attain that."

"In the Terran Empire." T'Pol says proudly, "We get promoted by using a dagger on our superiors when their use is over."

She is starting to worry me. I can imagine that dagger coming my way and her taking my place.

"Perhaps you aren't quite who we want in Section 31." I say hastily, "Thanks for coming in."

T'Pol issues a few Vulcan expletives and walks out. Picard laughs.

"Too worrying for you, Sloan?" he says, "Don't you think you can handle her?"

I glare at him. "There's still one more I want to see. Send in Ensign Britney."

Picard laughs again. Britney enters.



I'm glared at with suspicion again. Britney sits down, leans back and puts her Doc Marten booted feet on the table.



"Who are you?" she asks, as Britney takes the chewing up out of her mouth, "You look kinda suspicious."

Picard snorts with laughter.

"I'm Sloan, Britney." I tell her, "And I'm from Section 31. It's a part of Starfleet you can go to carry out skills to your potential. No more staying in the brig. We don't punish our operatives for minor transgressions like they do here on the Enterprise."

"Sounds cool." Britney answers, "When do we start?"

"Right away." I reply, "But what do you mean we?"

"Well, I'm not leaving the Enterprise without my sista!"

"You don't have any relatives on board, do you, Britney?" I ask with a puzzled look.

The Deltan sighs.

"Not my sister." she answers, "I mean my sista! My number one friend, T'Pol."

"I'm sorry, Britney." I tell her, "But she can't come."

"Then I ain't interested!" Britney says sharply, and puts the chewing gum back in, takes her boots off the desk and walks out.

"That was a failure, Sloan." laughs Picard.

"It may well be, Captain." I warn him, "But Section 31 is growing. Sooner or later it will dominate."

And with that, I vanish out of the Ready Room, just like a shadow, leaving Picard to clean up his Earl Grey soaked lap.

---------------

Author's note:
This is the 498th Post. Look out for the 500th Post commencing Sunday night!