It's My Birthday!

Ah well, today's my birthday. Another mile on the clock.

Best not to think like that. After all, it is 'my day'. Never mind the fact that it's another digit.

I get a video call from Admiral Hollister.

"Ah, Captain Picard." he announces cheerfully, "May I wish you a Happy Birthday?"

"Thank you sir." I answer. I can see what's coming here.

"Another year older." he comments, "Before long, it'll be time to receive that gold watch and head off into the sunset."

"I have no plans to retire, sir." I answer sharply.

"Ah well." he answers, "I know we have many fine young officers here in Starfleet who are waiting to fill.."

"Thank you for your good wishes, Admiral." I say gruffily, and switch the viewer off. I I get any more of those sort of messages, there will be trouble.

I head out of my quarters. Deanna sees me and walks with me to the Bridge.

"Happy Birthday, Captain!" she says in a friendly manner and gives me a peck on the cheek, "It's good to see you're still here. After all, the responsibilities of being the Captain of the Enterprise must weigh heavily on a man of your age."

Aaaaggh! I say nothing.

We reach the Bridge, and everyone there wishes me a Happy Birthday. Riker congratulates me on reaching this age. Is he trying to say something?

"No one would have reached your age in the Terran Empire." comments T'Pol, "They are deemed unsuitable to command a ship and are removed."

I dread to think what 'removed' means to T'Pol.

-----------------

A few hours later, we are all in Ten Forward, enjoying the birthday party that has been set up. The hologram Vic Fontaine is leading everybody in a song:

"Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday to you,
Happy Birthday, dear Captain,
Happy Birthday to you."

There is a big cheer and Bev steps forward with a present.



"This is a present that we thought you would really like, Jean-Luc." she says to me.

I open it and see what it says.

Do you have a holodeck? Are you a pontential actor? Congratulations! Live out your fantasies in this, The Shakesperian Holoprogram. All the plays are here. You can live any role in them. This program is more real than typical programs. It's like no program you've had before!!

"It's wonderful, Bev" I tell her, "Just what I wanted." We kiss.

The dancing starts, and I lead Bev off in a waltz, while the others dance away.

While getting a Klingon Bloodwine, I hear Riker and Deanna talking to each other about something.

"Are you sure it's safe?" Deanna asks him, "I heard that you had to get it from someone in an alleyway."



"Don't worry, Deanna." Riker replies, "He assured me it was perfectly alright, just a little bit experimental, and hadn't been officially released. We were lucky to get the Program ahead of release time, or we wouldn't have had anything to give him."

Deanna notices I am listening, and she nudges Riker. They suddenly start talking about the good food that was served at the party.

I wonder what that was all about? Anyway, I'll be looking forward to trying the Program soon.

Time to get dancing with Bev again. The smooch numbers are coming up!

---------------------

Author's Note:

As 14th January is my birthday, I''ve received the unabridged version of Philippa Gregory's novel 'The Boleyn Inheritance', as it is what I asked for. There were no Shakesperian Holoprograms available!

TWQ: Collections

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) is asking about the sorts of items that people collect.

Throughout your life, what sort of things have you collected? What are you collecting now?

My answers are:

1: American DC magazines. In the late 1960's to midway through the 1970's, I collected all variations of magazines connected with Superman & Batman. At the time, they existed in Action Comics, Adventure Comics, Brave & The Bold, Lois Lane, Jimmy Olsen, Detective Comics, Supergirl, Legion of Super Heroes, as well as those under their own name.

2: From the early 1970's, for some time I collected American Mad Magazines. At first, I could only get the British edition, but managed to subscribe to the superior American version.

3: British comics of the 1960's, like Dandy, Beano, Beezer, Topper, Sparky. Some of them would be deemed politically incorrect now!

4: I have a good collection of Royal Doulton bone china.

5: Nowadays, I tend to collect a lot of books and novels.

Now it's over to you...

A Present For The Captain

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I've called a meeting of the senior staff while Jean-Luc is in the holodeck.

"What is this all about, Beverly?" Ro Laren asks. The others talk among themselves in speculation as to the possible answer.

"Surely you must know." I tell them, "Next Monday on the 14th of January is Captain Picard's birthday. We have to decide what to get him."

A sound of realisation plus a few groans run around the table.

"Well, I have no idea." Riker says, "He seems to have everything."

A few more nods of agreement are seen.

"Has anyone any ideas?" I ask.

"You are closer to him than anyone else, Beverly." Deanna comments in a delicate manner. I hear a few giggles. "Perhaps it is you who have the answer?"

"I suppose you're right, Deanna." I answer, "But the opinions of others will always help."

"In the Terran Empire." T'Pol suddenly says, "Our birthday present to the Captain was that we let him live another year."

"Yes, T'Pol." I reply, "I think that situation won't apply here."



"In the Borg Cubes." Seven of Nine tells us, "If we forget the birthday of the Borg Queen, we are deactivated. She certainly gets a lot of cards that way."

"I'm sure she does!" Geordi says drily.

"We're going off course here." I remind them, "We need suggestions about what we can get the Captain."

"The Captain has always been a man of culture." Data observes, "We might need to get something very cultural."

The staff nod their heads in agreement.

"Data is right." Jadzia tells us, "What cultural item would the Captain enjoy?"

"He likes acting and plays." adds Riker.

"That's true." I answer, "We're doing well. We might be getting a solution. Is there anything in the Galactic Gazette 'For Sale' column?"

We call it up on the screen and see an interesting entry:

Do you have a holodeck? Are you a potential actor? Live out your fantasies in The Shakesperian Holoprogram. All the plays are here. You can live any role in them. The program is more real than typical programs. It's like no program you've had before!!

"That sounds perfect!" Jadzia says. All the others agree.

"Very well." I tell them, "We'll all put in for that and present him with the program when he has his party on the 14th."

We all break up to leave. Deanna holds me back to whisper something.

"What is it?" I ask.

"This program" Deanna tells me, "I have bad feelings about it."

"Don't be silly Deanna." I tell her, "What could go wrong?"

Sometimes a brash statement like that isn't a good idea.

Picard's Driving Test

I am speaking to Admiral Hollister on my video viewer regarding the incident two days ago, when the Enterprise was caught speeding in Harvalen space. Three points were put on my licence and I was fined.

"I have good news, Captain Picard." Hollister informs me, "After some negotiation and a great deal of grovelling, the Harvalen authorities have decided to cancel the fine and remove the three point penalty."

"That is good news, sir." I reply, somewhat relieved.

"Err, yes, Captain." Hollister says, "But this only comes with an explicit condition. You must take a driving test in one of our shuttles with a Harvalen Instructor. If you fail, you will not be allowed to Captain a starship. You'd have to take a desk job."

"WHAT!" I exclaim, pouring my earl grey tea over my uniform and desk, "That's scandalous!"

"It may be so, Captain." Hollister tells me, "It is the best deal we could get. Besides, there is no way you can fail. You've been piloting shuttles for years."

"That's true, sir." I reply, "But when the consequences are the Captaincy of the Enterprise or a desk job in some out of the way place, it puts a lot of pressure on anyone."

"Ah well." Hollister says, with a shrug of the shoulders, as if he is getting the interviews ready for Captaincy applications.

----------

I explain the situation to the rest of the staff. Riker starts feeling his collar as if it's time for an extra star to be added on to it.

"The Instructor is due to arrive in 30 minutes." I inform them.

At that time, we go to the Transporter Room to welcome the Harvalen Instructor.



"I am Manheim, the official Harvalen Driving Instructor." he announces, "Which of you is Picardo?"

I step forward.

"It's me, sir." I tell him, "The name is Picard, not Picardo."

"If you say so." Manheim brusquely says, "Listen carefully. I will not tolerate bribery of any manner, be they financial, sexual or any other manner. I will not be threatened with violence in any manner, be they financial, sexual or any forms of personal endandangerment. Should this happen, you will be instantly disqualified. Is that clear?"

"Yes it is", I reply.

"Good. Let's get to your shuttle."

The two of us settled in, and I conducted a check that that systems were working properly. Fortunately I had remembered this, as it was something that Instructors will fail a pilot on the spot if they don't do.

"Very good." he mumbles, and put a tick on his pad, "Now take the shuttle out of the bay."

Feeling like a young teenager out on his first test, I gradually fly the shuttle out of the Enterprise bay, thinking it was going to hit the sides of the bay at any moment.

We were out, and I am ready to fly, though the beads of sweat were already so evident, I would need a bucket to hold them all.



"I want you to travel at Warp Three." Manheim instructs, "Then suddenly come out, shut your systems down and do a three point turn reverse."

"We don't usually do anything like that!" I protest.

"That may be true." he tells me, "But you must be ready for the time you do. Of course, if you don't think you can execute such a manouvre, just say so, and I will fail you now."

"I'll do it." I grudgingly tell him.

The shuttle lurches forward to Warp Three, I then switch all the systems off, restart and do the three point turn, though the shuttle seems like it will pull itself apart.

"Good." Manheim informs me, "You may need to practice more on that, but you managed the manouvre. Now I want you to go to Warp Nine towards the planet Varla and approach it head on. Come out of Warp just as you approach and go into orbit."

"That's very dangerous." I tell him, "If I fail, the Varlans could have a catastrophe."

"Then you had better not fail, Captain." Manheim says with a smile.

I mutter, then start the shuttle off, powering it to Warp Nine and setting a course directly for Varla.

The sweat on me now is more than a Bzyanta sauna. The shuttle heads off, with the System stating to come into view. As we enter it, I switch the Warp Drive off and we all lurch forward. I open my eyes and Varla is right in front of us. I put the shuttle into orbit.

"Well done, Captain." Manheim tells me, "I don't think we need to do anymore. I have pleasure in informing you thast you have passed your driving test."

He hands me a Pass certificate.

"Would you mind taking us back to the Enterprise?" I ask Manheim, "I think I've piloted enough today."

With that, I collapse in a heap of sweat.

Caught Speeding In Space

The Enterprise is in a hurry. We have been called to Starbase 22 to deliver some medical supplies before they run out.

As a result, we are passing through the Harvalen System, a largely unexplored section of space. It's somewhat of a risk. Aliens don't like us intruding on their doorstep and tend to take offence. As a result, we are on Yellow Alert.

"How long will it be before we leave Harvalen Space, Number One?" I ask, somewhat nervously.
"Not long, Captain." Riker replies, "I estimate it is another 20 minutes."

"22.3 minutes to be exact, travelling at our current speed of Warp Nine, Captain" pipes up Data, in his determination to be just right.

"Approaching vessel coming up behind us." Worf tells me, "It is sending a voice hail."

"Let's hear it." I reply, and an authoritive message comes over the speakers.

"This is the Harvalen Speed Police" it starts, "You have been caught speeding in our region of space. You will have your starship come to a halt so that it may be boarded."

"What nonsense!" I comment.

"It may be advisable to stop, Captain." Data tells me, "After all, we are in their space, and it is us who may have been committing the offence."

I really dislike it when he is right!

The ship comes to a halt, and a figure beams aboard.



"I am Gira" he says, "The Space Traffic Officer in this area. I would like to speak to the driver of this starship."

"I suppose that's me." I reply, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Stars.."

"Where are your papers to fly this?" Gira interrupts brusquely.

"I don't have any." I tell him, "I'm was appointed by Starfleet to be the Captain. If there is anything, look at the records on the computer. It tells you who I am."

Gira looks at the computer, which confirms what I said.

"We've been watching these Starfleet vessels from our system." Gira grumbles, "Going from one place to another at speeds, with no thought for anyone else. You do realise you were going at Warp Nine in a Warp Three restricted area of space?"

"We were unaware of those restrictions. We are on an urgent mission to deliver medical supplies to a Starbase." I protest.

"Ah, they all say that." Gira answers, "I'll have to write you a ticket."



"A ticket!" exclaims Worf, "That is unacceptable!"

"It might be wise to accept." advises Deanna, "In the interests of intergalactic co-operation."

Gira writes 'NCC-1701D' on the ticket, together with my name. He rips it off his pad and hands it to me.

"That will be three points on your interplanetary driving licence plus a fine which you can pay later." Gira informs me, then adds, "Mind how you go."

He beams off the ship.

"Starbase 22, Warp Three, Mr Data." I say glumly, "I'll send the ticket to Starfleet."

TWQ: I Know What You Did Last Weekend

This weekend's TWQ (The Weekend Question) is asking what happened last weekend.

Name three or more things that you did last weekend.

My answers are:

1: Wrote features for my Journal

2: Played Scrabulous on Facebook

3: Talked on phone to friend about what happened over Christmas.

Now it's over to you...

Alexander's Little Talk (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Worf

Right now, I would rather be facing a fleet of Borg Cubes than the task I am about to do.

Jadzia and I are taking Alexander down to Counselor Troi's office, where she can help me talk to him about the Facts of Life. Klingons are not used to doing things in this manner, but as Alexander is on a Federation ship, this is the best way. It follows an incident where his teacher, Miss Forrester reported that Alexander tried to kiss a girl who did not like him.

-------

"Where are we going, father?" asks Alexander, as the three of us approach the doorway of Deanna Troi's office.

"We are all going to talk about a rather delicate subject." I reply.

"What is it?" he asks, "Are you and Jadzia splitting up so you can get back together with Deanna?"

"NO!" answers Jadzia sharply, "We are not splitting up. We are just seeking the Counselor's help with some issues."



"Oh." he says, "The two of you are having relationship issues and you want Deanna to help sort it out."

"NO!" exclaims an even more irritated Jadzia, "You're the issue!"

We enter the office and Deanna greets us, and we are all invited to sit down.

"Are you going to kiss Deanna, father" asks Alexander.

"No, I am not." I inform him, "We all wish to discuss the kissing that went on in the schoolroom. It was unacceptable."



"Why don't you let me handle this, Worf?" Deanna calmly informs me, then turns to my son.

"Now, Alexander, I want to have a talk with you about the facts of life, and how men and women make babies."

"Sure, Deanna." he replies, "What is it you want to know?"

Jadzia collapses in a fit of giggles, Deanna looks red-faced, and I am disgusted.

"It is us who should be informing YOU." I tell him, "Where do you pick things up."

"Well, I have been with you and Deanna, then you and Jadzia." he tells me calmly, although this produces a guilty look in all of us, "It gave me a pretty good idea. Besides that, the children in the claasroom are very worldy-wise"

We all sigh, then Deanna talks about the incident in the classroom when Emily refused to kiss Alexander, and he refused a kiss off Sharon.

"Emily is the attractive one." comments Alexander, "All the boys in class like her. I think she was just playing hard to get. As for Sharon, she will kiss anyone. I wouldn't like you to think I was someone who accepts a kiss off that sort of woman, father. I do have moral standings."

"But Emily and Sharon are only eleven years old." Deanna tells him.

"Yes." comments Alexander, "But you never know where these things leads to."

"I think Alexander has said enough, Worf." Deanna tells us, "He is quite a bright little boy with good standards. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Jadzia and I leave the office with Alexander, and let him go back to the classroom. The two of us continue to talk.

"However did Deanna come to that conclusion." I tell Jadzia, "I'm going to keep an eye on that boy."

"Let him grow up, Worfie." Jadzia tells me, "Although I get the idea he's more grown up than a lot of the adults here."

Alexander's Little Talk (Part One)

Guest Poster: Jadzia Dax

Worfie and I have been summoned to a meeting with Miss Forrester, who is Alexander's teacher on the Enterprise.

This has sent Worfie into his usual worrying state.

"It sounds as if his grades might be slipping." Worf tells me as we walk towards the school, "If they are, he will be severely punished. Alexander must not bring shame on the family by having failing grades."

"Don't get uptight about that, Worfie." I tell him, "You know it never does Alexander any good when you inflict that Klingon philosophy into him. He wanted to be a ballet dancer at one stage."

"He is meant to be a Klingon warrior!" protests Worf.

We enter ther schoolroom.

"Hello Lieutenant Worf and Jadzia." says Miss Forrester as she greets us.



"Whatever Alexander has done." Worfie blurts out, "I can assure you that he will be punished most severely. In addition to that, he will be denied replicator priveliges until he is at least 30."

"Sssshh" I whisper, "Let's hear Miss Forrester first."

"Err...yes," starts Miss Forrester in a hesitant manner, "This is a little delicate, but yesterday, Alexander was err...pestering a female student named Emily he was sitting with."

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"Well" she continues, "Alexander wanted to kiss her. Emily refused. This lead to a lot of trouble in the classroom."

"How so?" Worf asked.

"Another little girl, named Sharon said she wanted to kiss Alexander, but he did not want to kiss her."

"Oh dear!" I exclaim, but trying to supress a giggle, while Worf is looking disgusted.

"I've spoken to the other parents." continues Miss Forrester, "And they have agreed to have 'the talk' with their children. It leaves just you."

"What do you mean by 'the talk'" asks Worf. I sigh.

"It means when a parents and children have to talk about the birds and the bees." I tell him with exasperation.

"The birds and the bees?" Worf asks, with increasing bewilderment.

"Reproduction!" I shout out.

Finally Worf gets the idea.

"I cannot talk to Alexander about that!" Worf protests, "In Klingon society, men and women find out for themselves when they meet up."

"That may be true, Worfie," I say, "But that can't happen with a young boy on a starship."

"But I don't know how to approach telling him." Worf admits.

"In that case." I admit, "As much as it annoys me to say this, "We might need the help of that Counselor, the Troi woman."

To be continued...