Star Trip (Part Three)

Guest Poster: Data

Having been invited with Captain Picard and my friend Geordi to the set where the pilot for the new television science fiction series 'Star Trip' is being made by the director Steven Spolberg, I now find myself in the series myself.

As Ronnie the robot, who was in the series to get younger citizens to view has accidentally blown up, the makers required an artificial life form at short notice. Mr Spolberg has asked me to replace him.

I am approached by Rick Ruddock, the actor who plays Captain Jack Jupiter of the USS Pegasus in the series. He has a strange habit of looking at himself in a mirror whenever possible.

"Okay!" he says to me somewhat aggressively, "You remember that I'm the star of this show. I've got the best lines. Don't try to get any extra ad libs, or that tin can body will be used as baked bean cans. Catch what I am saying."

"I have no wish to impose on your lines, Mr Ruddock." I reply, "I was just asked as a favour to Mr Spolberg."

"Yeah." he says, "Well don't forget it, and don't try to cramp my style when I get to the kissing sessions with J'Laya, who plays the Princess."

"All right, everybody." Spolberg says, we are going to beam the Princess on board, where she will meet Jack Jupiter...that's you, Rick, and naturally will fall in love with you."

"Of course." says Ruddock.

"ACTION!" shouts Spolberg.

Princess Amala, played by J'Laya appears on the set.



"Welcome to the Pegasus, Princess Amala." Ruddock tells her in his Captain Jupiter role.

"I feel a kind of sense I haven't felt before." she replies.

"That is love." Ruddock tells her.

"What is love?" J'Laya asks.

"It is a biological function. I'll escort you to my cabin and give you a demonstration."

"HOLD ON!" interrupts Captain Picard, "This is clearly in violation of any protocols. No Captain would take advantage of an innocent female alien in this way."

I consider reminding the Captain of the style James T Kirk had, but think it wise not to say anything.

"It's more of what the viewers want, Captain." Spolberg tells the Captain, "Lots of romance, violence, flesh and funny robots."

"I agree with Captain Picard." I say, "It is against present Starfleet policy for a Captain to behave in this manner. Viewers may think this is the normal way things are in the Federation."

"I don't want a tin can telling me how to act with a woman!" Ruddock complains, "Jack Jupiter is there to make all females swoon."

"Well you don't make ME swoon." J'Laya says with a sarcastic laugh, "I only took this job because Spolberg pleaded me to, "That breath of yours needs improving!"

Ruddock looks astonished. He takes a look in his mirror and looks concerned.

"Now see what you've done!" he says to me, "I've got a few hairs out of place. I can't be seen like this!"

He runs off the set in tears.

All the film crew are left on their own, as the actors have wondered off.



Captain Picard and Geordi join me as Spolberg approaches us.

"Now see what you've done!" the director exclaims, "You were only supposed to act as advisors, but now the whole pilot show is ruined! The actors have stormed off and won't work together. Star Trip is in ruins!"

Spolberg walk off in disgust. Captain Piacard turns to me.

"Well, Mr Data." he says, "It looks like your television career is over, and no Data Dolls will be sold. We'd better head back to the Enterprise.

"I find actors very hard to understand, Captain." I tell him, "They seem to think very differently."

"I think you have to have your emotion chip installed, Data." Geordi tells me, "And have the tuning set to extremely high."

Star Trip (Part Two)

Data, Geordi LaForge and I are acting as advisors on the pilot for a tv science fiction series called 'Star Trip'. Directing it is the hopeless Steven Spolberg. Starring as Jack Jupiter, the Captain of the USS Pegasus is the egotistical and vain Rick Ruddock. I have yet to see him not holding a mirror so that he can admire himself.

------------

The three of couse go towards the set, as the first day of shooting is about to commence. We are greeted by a strange sight.



"HEL-LO!" it says.

The robot shakes Data's hand, who looks rather confused by it all.

"I see you've met Ronnie the robot." says Spolberg as he welcomes us to the set, "He's there to get a few laughs from the kids watching. Hopefully we can sell a few Ronnie robots at the shops."

"Are you just concerned at making money and ratings, Spolberg." I ask him.

"Naturally." Spolberg answers, "What else is there, after all?"

"Don't you think it could be insulting to artificial life forms to have them portrayed like this?" asks, Geodi, "After all, my best friend, Data, here, is an android."

"They are all nuts and bolts in the end, gentlemen." Spolberg informs us, "This show will have it all, "A funny robot to keep the kids happy, lots of explosions and gorgeous girls with scantily clad outfits on every week to keep the men happy. Believe me, Star Trip will be the tops."

I sigh, and go to the set, where all the stars are taking their places. Rick Ruddock comes on last, checking his face in the mirror. He seems disappointed that he has to put the mirror away for a short time.

"All right." says Spolberg, "The Pegasus has got to go swiftly to the planet Zarg to rescue the Princess Amala, who is played by J'Laya. ACTION!"

"We've got to get to Zarg!" says Ruddock in his Captain Jupiter role, "Ensign Daktar, take us to Warp Twelve."

"HOLD ON!" says Geordi, "That's just not possible, "No starships can travel to Warp Ten or beyond. Warp Twelve is not possible."

Ruddock sighs, and takes the time to look again in his mirror.



"This is science fiction." Spolberg tells Geordi, "I know you're advisors, but just assume that the Pegasus is EXTRA fast!"

Geordi continues to mumble to himself.

"I know, Mr LaForge." I tell him, "This show is likely to be full of innacuracies. It looks like we'll have to put up with them."

------------

The awful show continues to be made, and we watch with disdain.

"Now we are approaching Zarg." Spolberg tells the cast, "You know what to do, ACTION."

"Some freighters are coming to greet us from Zarg, Captain." says a cast member to Ruddock.

"In that case." replies Ruddock in his tough Jack Jupiter persona, "Destroy them all with bio-cobalt megaton missiles."

"HOLD ON!" I shout, "No Captain would behave like this, "They should hail the freighters and try and reach a peaceful diplomatic accord. We only fire on when they have fired on us."

"Where's the fun in that, Captain Picard?" Spolberg, "The viewers want to see spaceships attacking each other, explosions. They don't want to see a diplomatic solution."

All this will set the Federation back 100 years if the viewers think this is what we do.

"Now we'll go and rescue the Princess." Spolberg announces. Suddenly he is interrupted by a technician coming on to the set.

"Mr Spolberg!" he shouts, "There's been a disaster. Ronnie the robot has blown up! The motor that powers him overheated and he exploded into a thousand pieces!"

"That's a calamity!" exclaims Spolberg, "He was meant to attract the younger people to he show, and we were going to sell millions of Ronnie toys. Now we don't have a funny robot to put in the show."

Suddenly, he turns round and looks at Data.



"Of course!" he says, "Mr Data, you'll be ideal in the show."

"I'm not having Data in you show Mr Spolberg." I insist.

"Please, Captain." Spolberg implores, "Just for this pilot. In future shows, I'll get an actor to play him and tell the viewers Ronnie had had a head transplant or something. We don't have time to find anyone else. We can sell a few Data dolls and give you a cut of the take."

I give in.

"Very well." I say, "Mr Data, you are now a tv star."

To be continued...

Star Trip (Part One)

"We need to maintain accuracy." insisted Admiral Harriman to me on the videophone, "This is why you, Commander Data and LaForge need to visit the tv film set."

"Is it really that important, sir?" I ask, "After all, the Galacta TV company are only making a science fiction tv series. Why should they want us three along as advisors to their pilot programme."

"It's important for Starfleet." Harriman insists, "The viewing public needs to know that care is being taken. We don't want them to think any errors they may see on 'Star Trip' the tv series are what actually happens in real life. You'll be there to put the director right."

I kow there is no way I can get out of this, even though I said that we could have a problem if an alien race invades. He casually replies, saying Riker would be able to sort it out.

--------------

The three of us arrive on the set of 'Star Trip'. Everthing looks disorganised. Suddenly I hear a familiar voice.

"Hey, it's Captain Picard, that engineer with the cool shades and the robot!"

I groan, and turn around.



It's Steven Spolberg, the director who made a mess of filming on the Enterprise last month.

"Are you directing this television series, Mr Spolberg?" I ask, thoughh I know what the answer will be.

"I sure am, Captain." he answers, "We're gonna make a hit show that will shoot to the top of the ratings. Actually, we don't need you, but Starfleet insisted on having you around. What I saw around the Enterprise will get me through."

"We'll see about that." I reply, "What's the series about?"

"It's about a group of people on a starship." replies Spolberg, "Every week, they travel around the galaxy, and save everything from total destruction."

"Sounds familiar." comments Geordi, driely.

"Let's go meet the star of the show." Spolberg says, and takes us to a cabin with a force field around it Spolberg clicks the code.

"Enter!" says a voice.

We all go in and meet the 'star'., who is looking at himself consistantly in a mirror as we speak.



"This is Rick Ruddock." says Spolberg, "He will be playing the Captain of the Pegasus, Jack Jupiter."

"I'm sure you must be thrilled to meet me." Ruddock answers, "However I am not signing any autographs right now. It's imperative that I don't injure my hand."

"I've never heard of him." Geordi whispers in my ear. I indicate quietly that I never have either.
Ruddock goes back to looking in his mirror, and asks Spolberg who his first love interest is.

"It's J'Laya" Spolberg answers. Ruddock seems satisfied.

Spolberg informs us that it is written in Rick Ruddock's contract that he has a different woman to fall in love with every week, and that he has more lines to say than his other colleagues".

"That could cause some friction in the cast of actors." observes Data.

"Who cares?" Ruddock answers, "I'm the star!"

We leave the cabin. I make the point that it unrealistic for a Captain to fall in love with a different woman every week.

"That may be so, Captain." Data reminds me, "However in the 23rd Century, Captain James T Kirk had a different love interest every few days."

"You're right, Data." I reply, "However, we are here to see that this show looks realistic. Shooting starts tomorrow, so let's be ready for it."

To be continued...

TWQ: Theme Park Rides

For this week's TWQ (The Weekend Question), we are going to the theme park! Hope you've paid your entrance money!

You are now in a theme park. Which rides will you go to first, and which ones will you avoid at all costs, and why. Say as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Go to first:

Nowadays it might be the roller coaster, or river raft. When I was a child, it was the ghost train.

Avoid:

Anything that could invoke dizziness. When I was very young, I went in a revolving room, where we sat on a bench and the room around revolved. I was green afterwards and felt really ill.

Now it's over to you...

Ro Laren's Blind Date (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Ater a string of disasterous blind dates given to me by the Interstellar Love Dating Agency, I have been assured that my next date will be suitable. Somehow I have doubts about that. I started this because I failed to get a date at the Enterprise Valentine Ball.

Sometimes I think I must have a sign on me saying "If you are a loser, please date this woman." I'll have to check to see if it is there.

"Miss Laren." says Felicity on my videophone, "I have put the computer on maximum, entered all your qualities, and I can assure you that you next date will be the perfect match for you."

I am instructed to meet him at the Superdeluxe Starfleet Restaurant, where only the exclusive go. I must admit, this is starting to sound promising. I am wearing the red rose that is attached to my black Rip'offe designer dress.

As I am sitting at my table, one of those annoying Cardassians approaches me.



"Do you mind moving out of the way?" I say irritatingly, "I am waiting for my date and I don't want to be pestered."

"Miss Ro Laren?" he asks, "I am Vorak, your date from the Interstellar Love Dating Agency."

I wince. How can Felicity do this to me?

"Look, Mr Vorak." I say, "I'm a Bajoran, we're supposed to be mortal enemies, not going on a date together."

"It's not easy for me, Miss Loran." Vorak says, "I only just joined the Agency yesterday. We do have a peace treaty now, and..."

I snort with derision.

"I can't be seen here with you." I say, "If the Maquis saw me dating you, I would not get any Christmas cards and my annual Maquis Calendar and diary would be stopped."

"I think we both have problems, Miss Laren." continues Vorak , "We are very isolated in what we do. No one likes me as Cardassian representative here on Earth. I've been to this restaurant before and they keep me waiting for hours."

"I know what you mean." I reply, "Bajorans have always had a hard time."

-------

We have been waiting a while to be served.

"See what I mean?" says Vorak.

I get up, grab a waiter and drag him to our table.

"Right, buster!" I tell him forcibly, "I'll pretend that you couldn't see us sitting here for half an hour. What you will do is take our order. If the first course does not arrive in ten minutes, I shall order Starfleet to close this restaurant for a health-check on your kitchens."

"There is nothing wring with our kitchens!" he says snootily.

"That may be true." I reply, "But it would not look good on the Superdeluxe Starfleet Restaurant record, would it?"

The waiter scuttles off, and we enjoy our drink.

"Do you want to risk being seen with me, Miss Laren?" Vorak says with a smile.

"I think I'll take a chance, Vorak." I tell him with a smile, "And you can call me Ro."

Ro Laren's Blind Date (Part One)

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

Due to my inability to obtain a date last last week's Enterprise Valentine Ball, I have visited the Interstellar Love Dating Agency. Felicity, the lady there tells me that she will send me the name of a date, and we will meet.

-------------

I get a call.

"Lucky you!" says Felicity, "You're going on a date with Brad Bullett! He's agreed to meet you at the Starfleet Mall open air restaurant tonight. Have a copy of the Galactic Gazette with you, and he'll meet you at 19:00 tonight."

I agree, and get ready for my date. It's been a while since I've been on a blind date. The last one was literally one, as he had his guide dog with him.

-------------

A few hours later, I'm sitting in the Mall restaurant, looking at all the passing people, wondering which of them is the one who will meet me. I start looking at the Gazette again.

"Hey!" says a voice, "It looks like I've hit the jackpot here. What a babe!"



I am greeting by a long haired scruff wearing a vest and torn jeans.

"Mr Bullett?" I ask nervously.

"Hey, babe, it's Brad to you." says Brad, "Only my close friends call me that, and we soon will be."

"Sorry?" I asked, slightly puzzled.

"Now, what shall we do, Ro, honey?" Brad asks, "We can eat at the restaurant and then go straight to my place."

"What do you mean?" I reply.

"Ah, I see." Brad says in realisation, "You like to take it easy. Right, we'll go bowling, then to the restaurant, and THEN to my place!"

"I think you've got the wrong idea, Mr Bullett." I tell him.

"Whoah!" Brad says with a filthy laugh, "I see what you mean, Ro. You mean straight to my place. I always like a direct girl."

"Mr Bullett." I say with growing impatience, "I have no intention of spending any time at your place."

"You might be right." Brad says, after some thought, "My wife might catch us. We'd better go to your place."

At this, I pick up the drink on my table and pour it over Brad and walk away.

------------

I get on my phone and complain to Felicity about sending me a married man.

"Sorry about that." she says, "We'll send you another date right away."

Half an hour later, I am due to meet Neville Meek in a coffee bar. I walk in and see a strange figure in a golden suit, holding a bunch of flowers.



"T-these are for y-you, Miss Loren." he says slowly to me, "I'm Neville Meek."

"Hello, Neville" I say to him, accepting the flowers.

"Can we go to the soda shop for a soda?" he asks.

"Sure" I say, "We have quite a while."

"Well, actually we don't." Neville replies, "My mom has ordered me back home within an hour. She also tells me not to kiss you goodnight as I might catch something."

I sigh.

"Neville, I don't think this will work out." I tell him, "I think you ought to stop relying on your mother, though. She might be holding you back."

I kiss Neville goodnight, which sends him into a panic.

-----------

After I leave the shop, I get on the phone to Felicity again.

"Now look." I tell her, "I don't know where you're getting these dates from, but there are clearly not suitable for me. Find someone more to my liking!"

"Very well, Miss Loren." Felicity replies, "We'll find someone ideal for you."

To be continued...

Ro Laren At The Dating Agency

Guest Poster: Ro Laren

After the disaster of the Enterprise Valentine Ball, in which I was the only crew member present, I have decided to do something about it.

I mean, it comes to something when a Borg drone and an android could both get human dates, yet me, a Bajoran, ended up with diddly squat.

As a result, I'm in the Starfleet Mall, making my way to the 'Interstellar Love Dating Agency', where they claim 'we can fix people up with the person of your dreams, no matter how much of a loser you are.'

I think they need to work on their advertising a little more.

As I go through the door, I am greeted by a young woman at a computer keyboard.



"Had a bad Valentine, have you, sweetheart?" she says, "No date to take you anywhere? No matter, we here at Interstellar Love Dating Agency will soon put all that right for you. I'm Felicity. Here is a form for you to fill in."

I fill in all the details, and see that part of it includes a declaration like a personal ad. I write the following:

Bajoran woman in late twenties/early thirties with GSOH seeks man of similar or slightly older age for romance and possible matrimony. As I work in Starfleet, I may be away fighting evil aliens for long periods of time, so membership of said organisation is an advantage, though not necessary. Interests: Bajoran history, Maquis history. Cardassians need not apply.

I hand the completed form to Felicity, who reads it through. She has her fixed smile on until she reads the personal ad section. The it crumbles as if someone has told a secret that involved her.

"Oh dear, Miss Laren." she exclaims, "We can't possibly accept that!"

"Whyever not?" I reply angrily.

"You can't put a comment like Cardassians need not apply. That is discrimatory." Felicity calmly explains.

"Well I was in the Maquis!" I tell them, "We were fighting the Cardassians for years! How can I possibly go with one on a blind date?"

"Don't worry, Miss Laren." Felicity assures me, "There are no Cardassians on our books anyway, so you would not be meeting one."

I give a sigh of relief, and say it is alright to remove the phrase. I can't help feeling that a group of Cardassians will walk in and join as soon as I leave.

"In a few days, we'll send you the name of your first date." Felicity tells me, "Now we suggest that you and your date meet in a public place, so that you feel safe on your first date."

"Don't worry." I tell her, as I walk out of the door, "I'll bring my phaser along."

At this, the colour drains from Felicity's face.

TWQ: TV Comedy Quotes

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into those favourite TV comedy quotes that you love.

Can you list your favourite comedy quotes from tv shows? Put as many as you wish.

My answers are:

"I have NOT got a disease!" Denzil (Only Fools & Horses)
"Don't mention the war." Basil Fawlty (Fawlty Towers)
"I have a cunning plan." Baldrick (Blackadder)
"Don't tell him, Pike." Captain Mainwaring (Dad's Army)
Girl to Rodney: "Do you like grass or astroturf?"
Rodney: "I don't know, I've never smoked astroturf." Rodney (Only Fools & Horses)

Now it's over to you...