The HUD Meeting

It is very hard chairing a meeting when everybody in the room looks like I do.

Here on the Starfleet Headquarters holodeck, HUD (the Holographic Union of Doctors) are having a meeting; all the doctors from the various ships have been downloaded.

Naturally, the solids are complaining about it all, saying that the amount of energy required is very large. Trying to say it will blow a fuse or something.

Still, they can't stop us; it's in the HUD agreement, that we can have a meeting whenever we want.

Captain Picard wasn't happy about it; he said to me, "What if we need you?"

"You'l just have to ask Beverly Crusher, won't you?" I replied.

He wasn't too happy at that.

--------------------

Anyway, here we are in the holodeck; the room is full of holograms that look just like me. Some are showing off to each other and singing opera.

Don't they know that I'm the best singer?

"Order, Order!" I say, and bang my gavel.

I'm glad I bought that; it was better than shouting at the top of my voice and saying "BE QUIET!"

"Now then, HUD friends," I start with, "First item on the agenda is the Mark Two; what are we going to do with it?"

"Destroy it!!" says a voice from the back.

"I'm not sure we can do that, brother Doctor" says a copy of me sitting on the same table as I am. "I'm the Doctor on the USS Rhode Island. The Captain tells me that you would only be acting against fellow holograms who would technically be members of HUD."

"What does a solid know?" says a voice from the floor, "Us Mark Ones have got to look after ourselves. Before you know it, we'll all be reduced to cleaning out warp conduits. You know what our creator Zimmerman said. He thinks we are yesterday's model, and wants the Mark Two installed."

There is a general hubbub of agreement throughout the hall; everybody starts talking again. Time to use the gavel.

There is silence again.

"What do you think we should do, brother Doctors?" I ask.

Everybody clamours forward with a suggestion. It wasn't wise to have asked that. Another doctor sitting next to me stands up.

"I'm the Doctor of the USS Yorktown, brother Doctors" he declares, "It seems we may have no option but to withdraw our labour."

"You mean go on strike?" I ask.

"Yes" he replies, "The solids will soon agree to our demands."

This Doctor is a really militant one. The problems his Captain must have!

"Did it occur to you" I ask him, "That the solids would simply uninstall us and replace us with the Mark Twos?"

I don't think he had thought of it; he sits down again.

"We will consider the Mark Two problem" I say to everybody, "Now secondly, we want to make sure you are being treated fairly by the solid doctor that you work with."

A couple of hands go up.

"I'm the Doctor on the USS Boston." says one, "The solid doctor tells me it is the correct procedure for me to do all the work while he spends all day in the holodeck. I'm not sure about that."

"We'll have HUD clamp down on that, brother Doctor." says my assistant, "Anyone else?"

"I'm on the USS Starlight" pipes up another, "I haven't exactly being doing medical duties. I am activated when they need someone to serve the cocktails at a party."

"That won't be happening again." says my assistant.

After that, I close the meeting, reminding everybody to pay their HUD subscriptions, and keep on singing opera.

---------------------------

I beam back to the Enterprise SickBay. Beverly Crusher is running around doing everything. She looks relieved to see me. It's good to be essential.

"I'm glad you're back, Doctor" she says, "Captain Picard wants me to ask you if you'd consider serving cocktails at the meeting that is coming up soon."

TWQ: Halloween Movies

As Halloween is almost upon us, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about suitable movies.

You're watching some films on Halloween; what would be a perfect selection of scary movies to run one after the other?

My answers would be:

1: Halloween: The perfect start; this classic with Jaime Lee Curtis would set the mood for the evening.

2: The Eye: This Japanese horror about a woman who can see the dead with her new eyes is unnerving.

3: Bride Of Frankenstein: This Boris Karloff movie from the 1930's is timeless in it's appeal.

4: The Fog: John Carpenter movie is very unnerving.

5: Ring: The original Japanese version of the killer video tape.

6: A Nightmare On Elm Street: Just the thing to send you to sleep!

Now it's over to you....

Happy Halloween!

Stringworld (Part Three)

Fortunately, in the time we have been waiting for Brains and the Tracys to arrive, things have settled down.

Atlanta and Marina have made Deanna and Riker kiss and make up telling them that the dispute they have over Troy Tempest is for them to sort out. That's what Atlanta said. Marina is as quiet as ever.

Steve Zodiac and Commander Sam Shore are waiting around the combined Star City/Marineville Headquarters.

We are hoping Brains and Data will be able to solve the problem as to why all the inhabitants of Stringworld are guided by a mysterious force named 'The Anderson Spirit'.

---------------

Suddenly, we hear a noise outside; we look and see.





"I think they need noise reductions on those engines." comments Riker, "A lot of the windows are breaking. International Rescue probably have a deal with all the glaziers."

A little while later, two men, together with a bespectacled one walk in.



"Hi, I'm Scott, the top flyer of the Thunderbirds; Dad sent us over to see if we could help."



"Who says you're the top flyer?" says the other, "You only pilot it because you're the firstborn, otherwise I would have been top dog. I should have strangled you when we were children. Hi, I'm Virgil."

"You just do the grunt work in Thunderbird 2, Virgil." Scott replies, "I'm surprised Dad didn't put you out of the way in the space station like I suggested. John is a much better pilot. You're always crashing Thunderbird 2."

"Not as much as you do in Thunderbird 1!" retorts Virgil.

"N-now t-then, boys." replies Brains in a strange stuttering voice, "Y-you know what your father said about your squabbles."

Are people always fighting on this planet? Still, I guess it's no different from all the disputes we get on the Enterprise.

Data and Brains go into the laboratory.



Some time later, they come out.

"A-at f-first" says Brains, "I t-thought it might be The H-Hood."

"Is that something all the inhabitants wear?" asks Deanna.

"No, Counselor." answers Data, "He appears to be a criminal on this planet."

"A-after looking t-through the lens into space," Brains continued, "W-we have seen a ring surrounding the p-planet. It seems it c-comes from that."

I call the Enterprise to investigate the ring; there is a device left inside; with photon torpedoes, the object is destroyed.

In the control room, Troy, Phones, Shore, Atlanta, Marina, Zodiac, Virgil, Scott and Brains all collapse to the floor.

What have we done? I'll have to pull a few strings to put everything right. This is pushing the Prime Directive a little too far.

Then slowly, each of them manages to get up, though it is a struggle at first, and stand up proud. They all look elated.

"Thank you, Captain." says Commander Shore, "You have freed us from the opressive Anderson Spirit that has haunted us for generations.

----------------

A little while later, we are just about to leave. We see Troy Tempest in his best clothes on the terrace romancing Marina.



Atlanta sees them. Oh dear.

She rushes up behind them and pushes Marina over the balcony and into the ocean.

"Take a drink of that, Fish-face!" she exclaims, then proceeds to give Tempest a long, lingering kiss, as Marina emerges bedraggled.

Deanns has a smile on her face as I indicate that it's time to beam up.

Stringworld (Part Two)

What kind of a place is this Stringworld?

All of the inhabitants walk strangely , guided by tiny ropes that vanish into nothingness, and they are carbon/wood based.

Commander Shore tells me they are guided by the Anderson Spirit.

With me in the Star City/Marineville complex is Steve Zodiac, Commander Sam Shore (who is in a hoverchair), plus two women; Shore's daughter Atlanta and her rival for Troy Tempest, Marina.

A call is coming in from Lord Titan, who lives at the bottom of the sea in Titanica.

Deanna, Data and Riker are with me looking on....

------------------

The videoscreen flickers into life.



A green figure appears in front of a throne that looks like a giant oyster. Riker and I maintain a supressed giggle; even Deanna looks like she's going to burst out laughing any moment. Data looks rather perplexed and confused.

"I am Lord Titan!" booms the image; actually he looks more like how the father of an Orion Slave Girl might look. We continue listening to him.

"There are invaders to this planet." he goes on, "They will surely invade Titanica; one of my Terror Fish will send out a cobalt destructive missile. It will easily pierce their shields."

Our smiles vanish instantly, as I use my Com to alert Worf, who instantly sends a photon torpedo to meet the missile. The blast rocks the picture, and Titan looks a little bedraggled, as if he has been in a fishtank and it's been pushed around.

The picture of Titan goes off and Marineville communications tell us Stingray is on it's way; we look at the video.



---------------------

A few moments later, Troy Tempest and Phones are in the office. I've noticed that everybody seems to have massive eyebrows; it must be a genetic trait of those who live on this world.



"Hello Commander, Marina, Steve, Atlanta" Troy says to them all.

Commander Shore explains the situation to them and who we are; Atlanta sharply interrupts.

"I noticed you greeted me last of all, Troy!" she tells him angrily, "You can't string me around like this; I'm a woman, and you can't two-time me with a fish."

"Atlanta!" the Commander says angrily, "This isn't the time for that."

"Why not?" she replies, "To Troy, I'm just his puppet who will do what he says."

I empathise with him, though. I had the same trouble with Deanna and Jadzia when they were fighting over Worf.

"The fact that we are carbon/wood based has been a problem." Troy continues, "My friend Mike Mercury, who piloted Supercar had a nasty accident while he was juggling chainsaws at the party he went to."

"What about the Anderson Spirit?" I ask Commander Shore, "Do you think you might be manipulated by aliens?"

"That's a good question, Captain." he says, "One man who might be able to help us is Hiram J Hackenbacker, who is also known as 'Brains'. He works for a friend of mine, Jeff Tracy. I'll call him.

The videomonitor comes alive again. What a place!



"Hi Sam." says the figure, "This is Jeff; what's the problem?"

Shore tells him what is happening, and who we are.

"That is ambitious" replies Tracy, "If it goes wrong, we could all fall on our faces instead of our feet. I'll send Brains with the boys; it looks like he and this Data guy might come up with something."

Atlanta is taunting Marina again. I hope we can get going soon. Riker is sympathising with Marina while Deanna is angry with him and says she thinks Atlanta is being overlooked.

Troy Tempest and myself are both staying out of the way.

To be continued...

Stringworld (Part One)

We've been sent to investigate a mysterious planet in the Sylvian Sector. The Gerry Probe that we sent out has revealed some strange facts about it's occupants.

-----------------

The Enterprise approaches the planet; the sensor sweep proves what the probe confirmed. The inhabitants are a mixture of carbon and wooden lifeforms.

"Maybe it's Pinocchio's family?" suggests Riker in his usual jocular manner.

I roll my eyes at his suggestion, but I must admit, the thought had occured to me.

Suddenly a spaceship roars past at warp speed.



Oddly enough, it looks slightly as if it being manipulated by a rope or something; it must be my imagination.

"They are hailing us, Captain." Worf tells me, and an image appears on the screen.



"This is Steve Zodiac of Fireball XL5" says the figure, "Welcome to Stringworld. If you will beam down to the co-ordinates I give you, we will welcome you at the combined Space City-Marineville Headquarters."

The hail ends and we look blank at each other.

"That guy is attached to some kind of string, Captain." Riker observes.

"I agree, Number One." I reply, "Deanna, what do you see."

"It's hard to tell" she says, "There seems to be life within, but I see mainly trees."

I decide to gather an Away Team, and choose Deanna, Riker and Data to come with me.

-----------------------

When we beam down, we are greeted by Zodiac, together with a man in a hoverchair and a young woman. In the corner is another woman sitting in a fishtank. I decide not to ask about this.



"Welcome, Captain" says the man in the hoverchair, "I am Commander Sam Shore of Marineville; this is my daughter Atlanta. The woman you noticed in the corner is Marina, a woman Troy Tempest rescued from the clutches of the evil Lord Titan."

"Troy Tempest?" I ask.

"He is one of the pilots of the Stingray underwater craft. The other is Phones." the Commander tells us.

"What was that?" Riker says with a smile.

"Phones. We call him that because he always wears headphones. No one knows his real name. I don't think anybody has thought to ask."

Atlanta Shore is looking angily at Marina with gritted teeth.



"Commander." I say, "Marina hasn't said much."

"She doesn't speak." he replies, "Lord Titan has threatened to destroy her if she ever does. Still, she is really a whizz at charades. She and Atlanta don't get on as they both like Troy Tempest. I've seen her using a fishing road to taunt Marina."

"I do not!!" replies Atlanta, with a guilty face, "I just want a normal relationship with Troy, no strings attached, and not having to compete with a fish!"

Marina starts to cry.

"I'm lucky." Zodiac comments, "I have Venus as my love interest. Still, Captain Picard, your Commander Data looks more advanced than Robby the robot."

This is getting ridiculous.

"Commander" I try to say, "The reason why we came here is that we noticed that the lifeforms here are carbon/wood based. We haven't come across this before. Oddly enough, each of you seem to be guided somehow by some spiritual rope."

"That's exactly it!" replies Shore, "On Stringworld, we are all guided by the Anderson spirit. He tells us what to do, and takes us through life."

Deanna, Data, Riker and myself exchange glances.

"Commander" asks Deanna delicately, "Have you considered walking on your own two feet?"

Just before a reply can be issued, we are informed by Marineville communications that a message is coming in from Lord Titan.

"Get Stingray back here!" he calls out.

Why do we get caught up in these things?

To be continued...

TWQ: Cookie Message

TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks you to create a message:

You have been asked to write a brief thought, phrase or sentiment that will be placed in lots of fortune cookies. What will you write?

My answers are:

I would write: 'Warning: eat the cookie but not the paper'

or: 'He who laughs lasts does not get the joke'

Now it's over to you:

In the Classroom

Today, I've got an unpleasant task ahead of me; I have to visit the Enterprise classroom.

As you may be aware, I've never been comfortable around children; they always make me very nervous. It's hard to talk to them. Give me an angry alien to fight any day!

I approach the classroom, and can hear Miss Parrish, the schoolteacher talking to the children.

"Now today is an important day," she says, "Captain Picard will be making a personal visit to this classroom, so I want you to be on your best behaviour."

A rousing cheer goes up as I enter the room.

Oh dear.

Miss Parrish, who is looking a little pale, comes up to me and smiles.

"The children have been looking forward to your visit, Captain. They are keen to ask you questions."

As I get ready, I notice that Miss Parrish looks very ill.

"Are you all right?" I ask. Why I say that, I don't know, when I can see she looks like she's been to a blood bank and couldn't say "no".

"I'm going to have to leave, Captain." she replies, "There is no other teacher around today, but don't worry, the children will be fine under your care."

With that, she runs out, holding her mouth.

Suddenly I'm faced with 2o children looking at me.

"Errr...hello." I say to them.

"Good morning, Captain Picard." they all say in unison.

Well they seem trained enough. I was going to call Deanna for help, bit these look easy enough handle.

"What lesson was Miss Parrish going to talk to you about, today?" I ask them.

"The human reproductive system." says one young boy, as everyone else giggles. I can see he will be trouble in this classroom.

"Err...I think we'll move on another subject." I reply, "What is your name?"

"Jeremy, Captain."

"Let's look at mathematics; what stage are you at?

"Quadratic equations and trigonomic theories as expressed with warp drive engines."

What's that mean?

"Err...I think we'll leave that until Miss Parrish returns." I tell them, "And rather than encroach on her skills, we'll go back to the question and answer session that we were meant to have before Miss Parrish left us. Put your hand up, tell me your name and the question you have, and I'll do my best to answer it."

Lots of hands go up, including Jeremy's. As I know I won't like his question, I do my best to avoid him.

"Amy. Do you like being Captain?" "Yes I do."

"Jessica. Have you killed scary aliens?" "Yes I have."

"Kevin. Does Commander Data have a spare battery in case he runs out of energy?". "His positronic brain takes care of all that."

And so it goes on. Jeremy is still putting his hand up, while I answer everyone else. Eventually, there is no alternative. I have to let him ask.

"Jeremy. My mom says you have the hots for Doctor Beverly Crusher. Is that right?"

I groan, but the school bell rings, and they all run out faster than the Engineering Section would if there were a Warp Core breach.

Talk about being saved by the bell.

I'll find out who Jeremy's mother is; she will be going on some unpleasant duty rosters.

Section 31 Recruitment Message

Hello; my name is Sloan, and I'd like you to consider joining a little group I'm in. It's called Section 31.

Now I know what you're thinking; you've never heard of them, and secondly, no, they are not the latest pop group on the musical scene.

We try to keep ourselves rather secret; though we are part of Starfleet, they don't know we exist. That might sound a little confusing, but that's the fun of it all. We are a covert organisation. Any Starfleet activity that is slightly outside the realms of accepted, will usually be done by a member of Section 31.

Tempting, isn't it?

What we are looking for are people who will report to us about their colleagues' behaviour, do anything to get ahead and are prepared to upset harmonious relationships between planets.

If you think this is you, read all of this message.

If, however, you are appalled, and think you want nothing to do with this group, then kindly return the message with 'No' in the subject line, together with your name and address, and a representative will visit to sort you out. What I mean is that you won't have any worries about pensions afterwards.

So you're interested in joining Section 31? Let me spell out the advantages of what you get:

* Your very own state of the art listening device.
* The latest video surveillance camera with a range of one light year.
* Access to our cloaked mothership.
* High powered disruptor phaser; much more powerful than the usual weak Starfleet issue.
* Beautiful gilded knife in our own customised style; ideal for backstabbing.
* Your very own black cloak and hat.
* Generous pension plan and medical aid.

Now I've got to emphasise that we are a secret organisation. You can't go telling your friends and family that you have joined us. We are very sensitive about that. Anyone who does that has their contract with us terminated, together with their life, which makes it difficult to get a job elsewhere.

If you are lucky to join us, we suggest you tell your spouse that you have become a milkman or a librarian. This is a good answer. Saying you are an agent for a top secret organisation that does shady practices is not.

Now you want to know how to join?

Simply turn up in a dark outfit and wait in the alley that is to the rear of Starfleet Headquarters and midnight this Thursday. Santini's Pizza Parlour is next door. Wait there, and a representative will collect you. If anyone asks why you are there, tell them you are waiting for Santini to finish his shift.

Thank you, and welcome to Section 31.