TWQ: Disappointments

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at letdowns and disappointments.

What sort of letdowns and disappointments have you ever had? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Two weeks ago I was told that I wasn't going to get a job I applied for, although I felt certain that I would.

* Earlier in the year, I was told I would be in the group facing mandatory redundancy, despite having worked there for 36 years.

* A necklace I sent off for as a present for someone turned out to be a cheap-looking item that was made in China.

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: Lost Items

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about whether you are a loser. That is to say someone who consistantly loses items and never finds them again.

Have you lost things never to find again, or have found after a long time? List as many as you wish.

My answers are (although it is mainly my dad that does this!)

* Tube for mouthwash
* Driving Licence
* Key to get out into the garden

Now it's over to you...

Shopping With Bev & Kathryn

Guest Poster: Deanna Troi 

As we promised her, Bev and I are taking Kathryn Janeway on a tour of the Starfleet Mall. She has been away for seven years. Her fashion sense is pretty shocking. Kate is wearing clothes that I wouldn't be seen dead in.

If anyone asks who is dressed in that strange garb, I'll just have to say I don't know who she is. Kathryn joins Bev and I and we set off.

 "Bev and Deanna." she says, "I want to thank you both for taking me out here to see the latest fashions. It's been so long since I've had a good shop..or a real drink for that matter."

Beverly explains that she and Kate used to go out and cruise the bars, getting drunk many years ago. I raise my eyebrows in surprise. It's not the Bev I am used to knowing, but we all did things differently in our younger days.

"This is the 'in' thing right now." declares Bev, pointing at a shop window. There is an elegant dress there, with a split cut to the waist.

"It's a little daring." comments Kathryn, "Not only that, it looks transparent."

"So it is." Bev agrees, "But you'll look great. Go and try it on.

We push the reluctant Kate into the shop. She goes to the changing room and comes out to see what we think.

"You look fabulous." we agree.

"You don't think I'm showing too much leg do you."

"Not at all." I answer, "The fashion now is to expose the legs. In other words, legs are 'in', Kathryn."

"It's a good job I didn't wear this on Voyager." she smiles to herself, "There would have been quite a few glances in my way from fellow crew members."

The three of us leave the shop.

"I have to meet Will. now." I tell them, "We are going to the cinema to see Indiana Jones In The Care Home. See you later."

"That's all right." Bev replies, "Kate and I have got a lot of catching up to do in the local bars. We are going to drink each other under the table."

TWQ: Questions Not To Ask The Interviewer

For all those in a job interview, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks others to supply questions not to ask the interviewer

What questions would it be unwise to ask the interviewer in a job interview? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Do the female employees wear mini skirts?
* How many sick days am I entitled to?
* What time do you get off work, as I'd like to ask you out.

Now it's over to you...

Kathryn, Bev & Jean-Luc

Guest Poster: Kathryn Janeway 

Well, it's great to be back on Earth at last after seven long years away on Voyager. Next time I'll take one of those navigation devices that fit in cars. Tom Paris could never find his way around anywhere!

Would you believe it, the ship lands on Earth, just outside Starfleet Headquarters. Some bigwig comes on and makes me an Admiral!  All this for getting their ship lost for seven years. The logic of some people. I know B'Elanna wouldn't have been happy about it, but she had just delivered her daughter and was in no mood to complain.

Finally I get off board and go to my apartment. The mail that I have. Despite the regular items, seven years of junk mail is a lot, I can tell you that.

Eventually I have a hot bath and change. The door bell goes. I answer it and find it is Jean-Luc Picard and Beverly Crusher.

"Hello erm...Admiral Janeway." Crusher begins, "Captain Picard and I would like to welcome you back to Earth and congratulate you on your new appointment."

Kowtowing to the new Admiral! Before I left, seven years ago, Beverly was very much the friendly sort. We would hold each other up in the bars and come back drunk at night!

"Yes." Picard adds, "We thought we'd lost you when the Voyager vanished." It's so good that an invaluable member of Starfleet is back with us."

Oh puh-leeze! Pass the sickbag, someone!



"Call me Kate like you used to!" I yell out at last, "All this formality is driving me crazy! For seven years I've had to maintain top rank as Captain on a tin can at the other end of the galaxy. It's about time you let the Starfleet collar off!"

"Err...yes, Admiral...I mean Kate." Jean-Luc answers, still rather reluctant to address a superior officer in that way, even off duty.

Beverly is different. She stands up and hugs me tightly.

"Welcome back, Kate!" she says warmly. "I've missed you SO much!"

"That's more like it!" I answer, "Now remember, Jean-Luc, the next time you visit here, leave your starchy collar behind."

"Err..yes."

"Now, Bev, I haven't been to the Starfleet Mall in seven years, nor have we been able to go to the bar and have enough drinks that we get thrown out.."

"That's something we are going to have to do." Bev answers, "But be sure that you don't end up in jail. It won't look good on your Admiral's resume."

"Well it was already on yours and mine the last time we did it." I guess one more won't harm!"

Jean-Luc rolls his eyes. He always was the party pooper.

He won't be invited!

TWQ: Film Prequels

This week, TWQ (the Weekend  Question) invites you to submit some supposed prequels to famous movies. Time to get your sense of humour going!

List some supposed prequels to famous movies. Name as many as you wish.

My answers are:

 * Tomorrow  (the Day After Tomorrow)
* W Men (X Men)
* Men in Beige (Men in Black)
* Let's Not Bother About Kevin, He's Just Going Through A Phase (We Need To Talk About Kevin)
* Alice Lives Here (Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore)
* Hello Baby Jane (Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?)
* The Puppy of The Baskervilles (The Hound of The Baskervilles)

Now it's over to you....

TWQ: Time's Not On Our Side

TWQ (the Weekend Question) this week asks what jobs do you find you have too little time to do.

What jobs to you find very hard to do because there are not enough hours in the day? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Computer work

* Shopping

*Household work

*Job hunting

Now it's over to you...

Getting Old

Guest Poster: Worf

 "The indignity of it!" I angrily say as I storm back into the quarters that my wife Jadzia Dax and I share.

"Whatever has happened, Worfie?" she asks me, and gently rubs the bruises that I have.

"For the first time, I have been defeated by a WOMAN in a skilled competition. The Enterprise martial arts tournament was taking place and I was drawn against Jennifer Baxter."

"Oh dear..." Jadzia says quietly.

"Yes, well I thought she might be slightly tougher than the average woman, but still an easy victory." I tell her, "Anyway, before I know it, I was on the floor and Jennifer was victorious.."

"Oh dear..."she repeats,  "Well, Jenny is a trained fighter, and works out every day. She is toned, muscular and has taken on many in the past."


"Granted." I answer, "But she still should have been defeated by me!"

"Maybe err..." Jadzia hesitantly suggests, "Maybe you're getting a little old for that sort of thing? Jenny is young and fit, while you have been doing it for a while."

I am livid.

"Jadzia!" I exclaim, "I am a Klingon warrior, trained to fight the hardest of opponents right until old age. Klingons do NOT get old for fighting!"

"Sorry, Worfie." she answers, "Do you think you are hurt because you underestimated Jenny, and planned to gently defeat her? It sounds like she went for the quick flourish, hoping the surprise would defeat you."

"You may be right, Jadzia." I say, thinking carefully "Had we fought normally, I would have defeated Jenny easily. It is not an honourable way to win. Klingons have a Code of Honour which they abide by. Jenny does not."

I walk out again, satisfied that it was not a fair match I lost in, but think I can still hear the sound of my wife giggling as I do.

TWQ: Suspicions

Apologies for the inactivity here lately. Things are still going on in the real world that is cramping everything up that I could well do without. Anyway, today, TWQ (the Weekend Question) will be looking at what makes you suspicious.

What actions by others makes you suspicious of them. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* A book or TV programme at proclaims 'everybody in the country loves it'. Such a statement is never true.

* A building contractor who, when asked why he doersn't have any recognised badges of authority says, "Oh anyone can buy those."

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: Personal Superstitions

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about the personal superstitions you have,

What little superstitions do you have? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* When I was at the office, I didn't like to fill out a holiday form until I got back, in case something happened while I was on vacation.

* I never play Enya's 'Marble Halls' now as I consider it a 'death song'. I have only played it after a tragic event.

Now it's over to you....

TWQ: Summer Days

Now that summer is with us (in the northern hemisphere), it's time for TWQ (the Weekend Question) to see what you are doing.

What do you do when it gets very warm in the summer? List as many answers as you like.

My answers are:

*Though it's good to see blue skies for a change, excessive heat takes all energy out of me. A trip to the city had to be cancelled as it would be too tiring to walk around.

* I tend to stay pale and be in the coolest room in the house. A pleasant day with a good breeze would be far more welcome.

* Something I DON'T do in the heat is sleep very well!

Now it's over to you...

Shopping With Annika & Deanna

 Guest Poster: Annika Hansen














Going shopping with Deanna Troi can be a lot of fun. She knows every inch of the Starfleet Mall due to her frequent visits here. A lot of the owners give her a discount as they know she will come back in the near future.

"Is Seven going to make an appearance?" Deanna subtly asks of my other consciousness. I have to share my mind with the Borg version of myself. Sometimes she can intrude I don't want her to. For example, the other week, I went on a date, and it was just getting to the interesting part when she shouted "Resistance is futile!!" at my date. I must say, it was handy on that occasion, although I never saw him again.

"No, I don't think she'll appear today." I answer, "Shopping bores Seven, and she considers it irrelevent."

 "Good." she smiles,"It looks like it'll be just you, me and our money, then."

We go in quite a few dress shops and try on the outfits there.




 "Do you think Will will like me in this outfit, Annie?" Deanna asks as she steps from the changing room.

"So will all the other men on the Enterprise....and a few women as well., "I say,  "It's a little... opaque."

After some heavy duty shopping, we go past the Future Mechanics shop. Something there catches my eye.

"Oh, that looks adorable!" I exclaim, "I must have that!"

"You can't be serious, Annie!" Deanna gapes, "Where will it go?"

"Oh, I'll find somewhere." I answer, "I'll keep him charged up in my old Borg alcove."

Deanna sighs and says, "Very well, let's get it."

  "I wonder what the Captain will say?" Deanna muses.

TWQ: Impulse Buying

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about buying things on impulse.

Have you ever bought anything on impulse? Did you regret it, or did it turn out to be a great buy? List as many examples as you can.

My answers are:

* I bought an ingrained wood games table in Sorrento, Italy, but telephoned them when I got home and changed the order to a beautiful writing desk, which I love.

* I bought the novel 'The Book Thief' as it had such a distinctive cover. It was a super novel.

* I did buy a chess set with large pieces. It was quite expensive, and have regretted that.

Now it's over to you...

Waiting On Tables

Guest Poster: Lieutenant Britney 














"I'll have a double chocolate sundae and Will here will have a coffee and donut." Deanna Troi tells me as they sit in Ten Forward.

I am the waitress taking the orders today. The reason that came around is when a crewman said something insulting about me and T'Pol. I subsequently poured all my coffee over him. The crewman was reprimanded, of course, but Captain Picard thought that I can't just go around pouring drinks, so he made the punishment fit the crime, and I am helping Guinan for a week.

"Get a move on, Britney!"Guinan calls out, "You are without doubt, the slowest, most accident prone waitress I've ever had under my charge. In the few days you've been here, you've already broken more plates than a Greek restaurant on New Year's Eve."

I manage to carry Deanna's chocolate sundae to her without dropping it into her lap. It's a pity I had to do it with Captain Picard's cup of Earl Grey tea. It was boiling hot as well...

"Can I take your order please, miss?" I routinely ask the next customer before I realise it is my girlfriend, T'Pol, who smiles it me.



 "I'll have a kiss, followed by a Colombian coffee, you gorgeous looking waitress." she says with a smile.

I duly oblige with the first request, then go to get coffee. I bring it back without a hitch, and as it's my break, I sit with T'Pol to talk with her.

"How are you going with the waitressing, Brit?" she asks.

"It's not too much fun." I answer, "The replicators are going at full tilt making copies all all the plates I break."

"Hello babe, give us a kiss." says a tough crewman to T'Pol, when he walked up to us, then adds, "Oh, I forgot, you like the girls, don't you?"

T'Pol rolls her eyes then pours her Colombian coffee all over him.

"Can you get me another coffee please, Brit?" she asks, "I seem to have spilt mine."

"I think you'll be joining me as a waitress for a week, sweetie."

TWQ: Forgetful

As I clumsily forgot my seventh blogaversary (April 30th) due to so many thinmgs to think about in the real world, I thought the TWQ ought to be about forgetfulness.

What important things have you forgotten? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

*  My blogaversary
* The bag with all my coffee and lunch in
* Writing a Christmas card for someone important.

Now it's over to you...

In The Spa

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

I am in the Enterprise Spa with Annika Hansen and the new assistant to the holographic doctor, Penelope Delmara. After lifting some rather heavy weights, we are all in the sauna, ready to relax.

Annika casts her towel away with ease, as does Penny. Why do I feel reluctant? After all, I'm a doctor. I know what the female form looks like! Is it because they are still so young, and I am um...more mature. Still, Jean-Luc has no complaints! I smile to myself.

Eventually I do take my towel off and put it down, and realise the other women take no notice. They are lying on the benches in the searing heat as we start to sweat.

"How are you liking it here on the Enterprise, Penny?"  I ask the Spanish woman, "Are you getting along with everyone?"

 















"Oh yes, Bev!" Penny exclaims, "Everyone is so friendly. Joe likes me in particular. I think there is a little romance in the air for me."

"Joe?" Annika asks in bewilderment, "Who's he?"

"The holographic doctor, Annie." answers Penny, "He told me he never gave himself a name, so I have said I will call him Joe until he finds a better one. Actually, I think he is going to keep it."

Annika rolls her eyes.

"How are you and Seven getting along?" I ask Annika, "Are your consciousnesses maintaining a steady truce?"

                                                 

"We are starting to get along and learning to respect each other." Annika answers, "Although there are some times when.....anyway, fortunately, Seven doesn't care much for the heat, so is not going to make an appearance while we are in the sauna."

"I must admit, it is warm in here now." I comment, as the sweat pours down. "Is everybody ready for a cool shower?"

They agree and we get up to open the door.

It's stuck.

"What is it, Bev?" asks a worried Penny.

I tell them and soon we are all pushing against the door, screaming and shouting to be rescued.

"I don't wanna die!" yells Penny.

"Control yourself." orders the more assured Annika, "We will be rescued soon."

I wish I shared her enthusiasm.

Ten minutes later, we are still beating on the door. It feels like our bodies are on fire.

Then through the little window, I see a figure passing. It is Will Riker. He sees us and comes to help. He undoes a catch on the door which must have slipped and opens it.

"Thank you, Will!" I say, hugging him, "We wouldn't have lasted another five minutes in there.

Riker looks inside at Penny and Annika, then at me. He gives a discreet cough. Then I remember.

We would have been wise to put those towels on first!

TWQ: Games

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) is asking about board, card or games in general.

Which games do you like to play? Is it a board game, card game or something else? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Mah Jongg: I was always a fan of this, but never have three partners to play.

* Cluedo (in the USA Clue): I loved the reasoning that had to be done in this.

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: Vacations

This week TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks how your annual vacation is planned.

How is your annual vacation chosen? Careful deliberation, with a pin or what. List your method.

My answers are:

It used to be a lot of careful deliberation and planning. Now there seem to be so many other factors, the last one was like a military operation and quite a chore. The further we go, the harder it is.

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: Jobs To Do

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks what jobs you have to to, be it inside the house or outside (instead of than reading this!)

What tasks do you have to do inside and outside the house. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Tidy up all the useless boxes that have piled up.
Dump the junk mail that is building up.

Now it's over to you.....

New Look

Time to write some more vital information as to how life is going on the Enterprise.

What's this? Who has changed the design?

"Computer!" I call out, "What has happend to the Captain's Journal?"

"It has been redesigned by order of Starfleet Regulation 1177/66ACF/24" the computer tersely tells me.

"I didn't want it changing!" I protest, computer, "Change it back to the previous design."

"That is not possible due to Starfleet Regulation 1177/66ACF/24." the computer reminds me.

"I've a feeling I'm going to know that regulation off by heart." I grumble to myself.

Deanna Troi enters. Doesn't the woman ever knock?

 "Oooh!" that looks snazzy!" the counselor exclaims, as if she has seen a dress she wants to buy at the Starfleet Mall, "I can't wait to have a go on that!"

"Do you mind, Deanna?" I snap, "I'm recording my private thoughts here."

"Don't be ridiculous." the Betazoid giggles, "Everybody knows what you write anyway." She walks out, still laughing to herself.

Maybe I can change it back with a Systems Restore. I press the button.

All power except Life Support is switched off.

"That action is in direct contravention of Starfleet Regulation..." starts the computer.

"Yeah, I hnow." I groan, "1177/66ACF/24.  "Undo the System Restore."

All the power comes on again.

I sigh.

"I suppose I'll get used to it."

TWQ: Neighbour Tensions

Welcome to the new-look site. There may still be several changes to be made along the way, if I know what to do!

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks what irritating things neighbours have been up to where you are.

What have neighbours being doing next to you? List as many annoyances as you wish!

My answers are:

* Parking across our driveway.
*Letting of fireworks exceptionally late on festival days
*Kicking footballs across the road to us.

Now it's over to you....

The Doctor's New Assistant (Part Two)

Guest Poster: The Doctor













Though I objected at first to having a human medical assistant to help me in SickBay, I have been rather pleased with Penelope Delmara, a Spanish beauty who likes to be called Penny. She is also an expert with holograms and the rights they have. Penny is a campaigner to increase the rights.

------

"Hello Joe." she says to me, as Penny has insisted that all holograms should have a name, she has given me this one until I decide on one for myself. I must admit, I am getting rather used to the name and am getting to like it.

Penny is wearing a beautiful blue blouse that looks just right with her dark hair. What am I thinking? My programming seems to be going into unfamiliar territory.

"Joe?" she asks "Are you all right?"

"Err...yes, Penny." I hesitantly say, "Is there something you want?"

"I'm off duty now." she tells me, "I'm going to the holodeck, and inserting a beach program. Do you want to join me there?"

"Well. as a hologram I have some extra hours." I tell her.

"Nonsense!" Penny angrily says, "Holograms are not slaves. You have duty times just the same as other life forms. Come to Holodeck 2 in twenty minutes."

A short while later, I enter the holodeck to see a beautiful beach, with ocean water in the distance. The sun is beating down. There seems to be no one around.

"Still in your uniform, Joe!" Penny laughs, as I suddenly see her just to my right, under a sunshade in a black one-piece swimsuit, "We'll have to do something about that!"

Penelope calls up the Arch and adjusts some programming on it. Suddenly, my Starfleet uniform has changed into a pair of tiny beach shorts!"

"Penny!" I exclaim.

"My, don't you look rugged and handsome?" she says, "Come and lie next to me and put some sun tan lotion on my skin."

"I've never worn anything like these shorts before." I say, looking at the only garments I have on.

"Then be thankful I remembered to include them in the programming, Joe!" Penny smiles.

We both smile at this, then laugh at loud.

The Doctor's New Assistant (Part One)

Guest Poster: The Doctor













I'm arguing with Beverly Crusher, as usual, but this time it's about a different subject.

"I assure you, Doctor." I say, "That I most definately do not need a human assistant to help me with my medical work in SickBay. I have been programmed with the minds of the top doctors in Starfleet and am more than capable of handling things myself."

"Sorry, Doctor." she answers, "The order comes from up high at Starfleet HQ. Penelope Delmara not only is a qualified medical assistant, but is also an expert in holographics.2

I grumble, but know it won't do any good. I'll have some wrinkled old crone assisting me when I can do the job perfectly well by myself.

-------------

A few hours later, Doctor Crusher and I are standing by in the Transporter Room to welcome aboard my new assistant. The familiar buzzing takes place, and she appears in the room.

"Ah, hello Doctor Crusher." says the new arrival, in a charming Spanish accent, "I have heard so much about you. Pleased to meet you. I'm Penelope Delmara. Everyone calls me Penny."

Then she turns to me.

"I'm the holographic doctor." I say with a pleasant smile, "Welcome aboard the Enterprise."

"But what is your name?" she asks, "All holograms should have a name."

"I've never got round to it." I reply.

"Well, we'll have to do something about that!" Penny declares, "It's the fundamental right of all holograms to be individually named. I've campaigned for hologram activism for a long time. For the moment, I'll call you Joe until you decide on your name by yourself."

"Thank you, Penny." I say, warming to this young woman.

"No problem....Joe." she answers with a beaming smile as we prepare to leave the Transporter Room.

I think I'm going to like my new assistant!

To be continued.....

TWQ: TV Box Sets

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at the DVD/BluRay box sets that you have.

What tv box sets do you own? Which are your favourites?

My answers are:

The complete Battlestar Galactica (the re-imagined version) *favourite*
Terminator: Sarah Connor Chronicles   *favourite*
Lost          *favourite*           
Complete Prison Break
The complete original tv series Mission Impossible
Complete Voyager
Stargate SG1 (all 10 seasons plus two made for tv sequels)  *favourite*
Original Twilight Zone (all five seasons)

Now it's over to you....

TWQ: Favourite Meals

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks you what meals you particularly look forward to.

What meals are your favourites? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

*  Lasagne
* Mixed grill/full English breakfast
* Steak

Now it's over to you....

TWQ: Easier and Harder To Do

TWQ (the Weekend question) asks what tasks do you think is easier and harder to do nowadays with modern technology around.

What tasks do you find easier to do nowadays with the advent of new technology? What others are harder? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Easier:

Shopping over the computer

Harder:

Talking over the phone to companies who require passwords, mother's maiden name and so on before they will even consider talking to you.

Setting up new technology in the house.

Now it's over to you....

Picard In The Gym

"You're out of condition, Jean-Luc." Bev tells me as she completes her examination in SickBay, "The plain truth is that you are not getting about enough. Sitting in the Command Chair won't do you any good."

"But I go on those away missions." I protest.

"When you think it's safe enough." she snorts, "Otherwise you send some redshirts down to get the bullet. Look, I'm ordering you to report to the Enterprise gym this afternoon at 14:00 to start getting fit. Deanna and I will both be there doing the same and to spur you on."

A few hours later, I approach with my gym bag.


This isn't my sort of thing at all. I'd rather just lie down with a good book and drink.

I enter the gym and am greeted by the exhausted sounds of two women.

"Go-good to s-see you here, Jean-Luc gasps Bev, who looks worn out, but rather alluring in her leotard. So does Deanna. Perhaps it won't be such a bad thing to work out here after all..

I get my outfit on, and am ready to go.

"I suggest you do a few press-ups first, Captain, to get your body accustomed to the heavy work it will be doing." Deanna recommends.

I bend down and start doing about three. Already I am a spent force, but can't let the women know that.

"After that, you can do some sit ups, vault the horse, work on some weightlifting and so on." Bev tells me.

I didn't know she was the descendant of the Marquis de Sade!

Suddenly, Deanna twists her ankle while attempting a complicatred squat thrust. She rolls in agony.

"I'd better take you up to SickBay, Deanna." Bev says while examining the ankle, then calls to me, "I'll have to treat the ankle for the rest of the afternoon. You do all those exercises, Jean-Luc."

After they have gone, I consider doing the rigorous programme laid down. Then I think of something else.

Reading while having a drink in a warm solarium. A much better way to be in condition!

TWQ: Hard Words To Say Or Spell

TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks you if there are any words that you stumble over when trying to say, or haves you reaching for the spell checker no matter how often you try.

What words do you find hard to either pronounce or spell? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Hard to say:  Veterinary

Hard to spell: Rhododendron
                     Necessarily

Now it's over to you......

Guinan At The Bar

Guest Poster: Guinan









Anybody who thinks I just serve the drinks on the Enterprise is sadly mistaken. I have to listen to all the sob stories that the people want to give out.

I know what you are thinking. Haven't they got a Counselor to deal with that? Of course they have, but many people feel like pouring out their woes while under the influence of alcohol, rather than lying on the hard surface of Deanna Troi's sofa in her office.

I can't say I blame them. "I don't want to talk to him again."...."He is seeing another woman"...."I think my wife doesn't love mer any more."...."I don't think he wants to marry me."...yes, I've had things like that every night.

The worst thing is when the Counselor herself comes in spouting her problems! She, of all people should know better!

"I'm not sure if Will still loves me, Guinan." she starts, while eating her chocolate drink.

"I'm sure he does." I answer.

"Then why doesn't he put a ring on my hand?" she snaps back, "I want to be a married woman, I want to have children, I want..."

At this stage she bursts into tears, and I hand her a tissue. I tend to carry a box around with me nowadays for occasions such as these.

"Deanna." I say, consoling her, "He has an important role right now."

"You mean I'm secondary, and I'll never get married until he leaves Starfleet?" she wails.

Ooops. Wrong turning there.

"Not at all." I say quickly, "Hell soon be Captain of another ship, "Then he'll want to take you there as his new wife."

"You...you think so." she sniffs.

"Of course." I lie.

Deanna walks off, having ate her ice cream and satisfied with my answer.

Will Riker comes in ten minutes later.

"Guinan." he asks, "Have you seen Deanna?"

"Yes, she was having an ice cream here ten minutes ago." I say, not mentioned what she and I were talking about.

"Is she all right?" he asks, "She has seemed a little distant lately."

"Deanna will be all right." I tell him, "Get her a nice necklace and tell her that you are looking in the Starfleet Vacancies column in the Galactic Gazette. It might cheer her up."

Riker looks puzzled, but agrees, leaving Ten Forward.

Time to clean the bar before the next lot of problems arrive!

TWQ: Irritating Things

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks about tiny things that irritate yourself.

What small things really get on your nerves and irritate you? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* People who whistle

*People who tap their desks

* People who use words like 'mate' all the time, as they are clearly too ignorant to remember anyone's name.

Now it's over to you....

The Cleaning Lady

Having docked in orbit around Earth, I am in my office signing a few papers.  Most of the crew are on shore leave. I will follow them down shortly.

Deanna Troi opens the door.

"Captain." she starts,"Bev, Jadzia, Ro Laren Annika and I are all about to go on a girly shopping spree in the Starfleet Mall. Are you sure you'll be all right?"

"Yes, Counselor." I reply, "You go off and enjoy yourselves, I'll beam down to Starfleet Headquarters when I've finished here."

She leaves, no doubt thinking of all the dresses that she wants to buy.

All is quiet for several minutes. Until I hear a strange sound. It appears to be what an old 20th century vacuuum cleaner might to sound like.

The door bangs open and an elderly woman pushes the cleaner in. She also has a mop, bucket and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth.

"Who are you?" I exclaim, "What are you doing here? This room is for authorised staff."


"All right, keep your hair on." says the woman, who laughs to herself when she sees me, "I'm Doris the cleaner. I've been sent by Starfleet to clean this ship. By the look of things, I'm going to need a lot of soap and water."

"Now look.. errr, Doris." I say, "The Enterprise is fitted with automatic cleaners that go through the entire ship whenever the ship is empty and in dock."

"Oh yes, that's what usually happens." Doris comments, "But when the automatic cleaners are up the spout, they call for me. I might be retired, but I still do a good job with my mop, bucket and cleaner. I was going to go off to bingo with the other girls at the old folks' home, but I figure the money I earn here will be lot more."

Doris slaps a soapy cloth on my desk and starts cleaning it, despite the fact the there are several important papers there getting damp.

"Do you mind!" I say in exasperation.

"You'll have to get this tatty paperwork out of the way, otherwise I can't do my job properly." Doris chides me, "I only have so long."

She then turns on the annoyingly loud vacuum cleaner. One document falls to the floor and vanishes up the pipe.

"TURN IT OFF!" I shout, but the cleaner fails to hear me.

In exasperation, I walk out and head towards the transporter room.

I wonder if I can join Bev, Deanna and the others in their shopping spree? Compared to up here, being with them going around the shops seems so much better!

TWQ: Pintrest Boards

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) takes notice of the latest thing on the internet. Pintrest. Boards of subjects are listed by the users, which they fill. Images are taken from pictures they come across or other boards, It can get quite addictive.

What subjects would you list on your first few boards? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

As you will have guessed, I started it today, under my real name (friends will know what it is). Some of the subjects  I chose were:

* Classic Movie Stills
* Marilyn Monroe
* Terrific Tattoos
* Favourite Books

Hope you take a look.

Now it's over to you...

Bar Crawl

Guest Poster: Lieutenant Britney














My girlfriend T'Pol and I are doing a gay bar crawl around San Francisco. We are seeing if we can visit them all before we pass out. The trouble is that here in the 24th century, virtually every bar is a gay one. Nowadays, it is harder to see a a 'straight' one!

"We are going to behave ourselves aren't we, Brit?" T'Pol asks, "After all, we can't go in every one if they just throw us out."

Relax, sweetie." I tell her, "We're just gonna have a couple of jars and move on."

We go in the Degeneres Bar and get our drink. As we sip them, a tall blonde approaches, ignores me and starts speaking softkly to T'Pol.

"Hi lover girl." she huskily says, "I'm Maxine. How about we quit this joint and make sweet music together?"

"Thank you." T'Pol says politely, "But I'm drinking here with my girlfriend Britney.

 Maxine looks down on me as if I am something unpleasant she has trodden in.

"Surely you can't be serious?" she sneers, "I'll show you how a woman really can be."

That's enough for me. I get iout my umbrella and whack her.

A few moments later, we are walking to the next bar.

"I KNEW we'd end up getting thrown out!"complains T'Pol. "Relax." I reply, we did drink something there. Let's move on."

Our next stop is The Lesbos Lounge. We order two drinks and relax.


"Let's see how long we can stay in this one." T'Pol comments drily.

A figure comes up to us with dyed red hair. It takes me time to recognise her. It is Daisy, who appeared at the Christmas Party when it was held at Annette and Amanda's gay bar.

"Hi there." she says, "You two still together?"

"Stronger than ever." I answer firmly, just in case she was thinking of cutting in.

"Mmmm...pity." she says, "You two are admired on the circuit for being gay Starfleet Officers. You're the pin up girls for all the customers here."

T'Pol and I slowly look round. We see all the women in the bar are looking admiringly at us, some with cameras.

"So much for a quiet drink!" exclaims T'Pol, "The only place we are going to drink peacefully until we pass out is at Ten Forward on the Enterprise."

"I agree, sweetie." I tell her, then call into my ComLink. "Two to beam up."

TWQ: Modern Technological Difficulties

This week, TWQ (thje Weekend Question) asks about technological problems we come up against.

Which technological difficulties do you have trouble with nowadays? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* Talking to the bank or a financial company.  The series of questions over the phone are nothing short of interrogations. Woe betide if you don't have the information or get it wrong.

* Using the automatic check out at a supermarket. I never do this, but setlle for the more reliable checkout woman.

Now it's over to you...

Sheena's Sister

Guest Poster: Sheena

Things have been a little quiet lately in the jungle. I've managed to negotiate a truce between the various animals so that each can have a season in which to eat each other. Out of that season, they must live in complete harmony.

I'm a clever Queen of the Jungle! My ability to talk to all animals, which developed when I was stuck in a mysterious obelisk left by the Doolittle race of beings. I shot up from a baby to a seventeen year old instantly.

Mac, the chimpanzee approaches me.

"Sheena." he begins, there is a human around who I think is looking for you. She has short blonde hair and is carrying a spear and a young baby."

My mother, Karena. Who, though, is the baby?



I run quickly to the point that Mac described. I haven't seen my mother in some time.

We see each other and hug.

"My darling Sheena!" she exclaims, but tries not to look too emotional, as it's not the sort of thing an amazon should do.



"My dear daughter." she says proudly , " I'd like to introduce you to your new sister, Monica."



"Sister!" I exclaim in shock, "Mother, you did not even tell me you were with child!"

"I'm sorry, Sheena." she answers, "Communication is poor out here, and we can only visit with starships. You have no videoscreens. Not even the ancient Skype system."

"Does she talk to animals like I do?" I ask enquiringly.

"She doesn't talk at all, but does throw a good six inch spear." my mother tells me, "I am not taking her a mile from that awful obelisk. It took away your childhood, darling."

"I don't mind." I tell her, "I feel rather unique as a result and special."

"You were special anyway." she says sweetly.

--------------

After a few hours, in which I introduce my sister and mother to my jungle friends. This took a little cajoling, as I had to persuade the lions and tigers not to eat them, and Karena not to spear them.

At departure time, we forget we are amazons and have a little cry between us before my mother band sister beam away.



"Oh, one last thing, darling." my mother says, reddening, "Do I need to tell you about the facts of life?"

"No, mother!" I answer, "Those details were all part of the program that was downloaded into me when the obelisk increased my age."

"That's a relief!" she tells me, "It's one thing I didn't need to do with you. I'll see you later, Sheena."

The two figures vanish into thin air.

TWQ: Different Endings For Books

This week, TWQ (the Weekend Question) looks at books you have read. Did you feel the ending wasn't right?

Have you read any books in which you wish there was a different ending? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

Romeo & Juliet
Clarissa
Pride & Prejudice (Elizabeth Bennett should have dumped Darcy!)

Now it's over to you....

Karena's Second Child (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Karena

Having arrived safely on my home planet of Wondawowman in time for the birth of my second daughter, I am greeeted by Captain Picard, my mother in law Bev Crusheer, my sister Nexa and my mother Queen Diana.



"Thank the stars you are here, daughter." the queen tells me, "Your sister and I shall carry you on a stretcher to the Birthing Chamber."

"Actually, it might be a good idea if Karena had the baby right here." suggests Dr Ted.

A bad mistake. A male, even a holographic one, does not question the will of an Amazonian Queen.

My mother looks in rage at him.

"You will be SILENT!" she shouts, "Only women may be in the sacred Birthing Chamber."



"In that case, can I come along?" Beverly suggest, "My medical knowledge will be important should any complications arise."

Reluctantly, my mother agrees, seeing the sense of having a doctor present, even though amazons usually have babies without any problems. A few minutes later, they are throwing spears again.

Lying on a litter, I am carried up a steep, turbulant volcanic mountain and enter the Birthing Chamber. A huge hot, bubbling pool is in front of me.

My mother changes into white robes, while Nexa and I remove our clothes to sit in the Birthing Pool.



Nexa holds me as my mother steps into the pool. I feel my daughter coming.

"AHHHHH" I call out, as Nexa pins me down. My mother bends down and lifts my young amazonian daughter up. Bev looks in amazement at home smoothly it was all done.

"What say you name this child?" asks the Queen.

"Monica." I decide.

"Very well." she says, "By the authority vested me as Queen of Wondawowman, I name this daughter Monica, and declare her to be a Princess of this Realm."

I get out of the Birthing Pool. Nexa and I put our clothes back on.

We all go down the cliff face. I'm feeling a lot better now I have a heavy weight out of me. All the others are waiting below.

"How did it go?" asks an anxious Wes.

"Meet Monica." Nexa laughs, as she presents the baby girl to him.



Everybody cheers.

I take hold of Monica and grab my spear.

"I'll just be an hour." I tell everybody, as I walk into the nearby woods, "I've just going to show my new daughter how I kill and skin a bear."

Bev's mouth, for some reason, drops open in amazement.

Karena's Second Child (Part One)

Guest Poster: Karena

With the imminent arrival of my second daughter, my ship, the USS Rhode Island and also the USS Enterprise, where my mother in law Bev Crusher is are both travelling to my home planet of Wondawowman.

I indent to have my child on home soil. This will bring me more luck than when I had my first daughter Sheena. After a few months, she grew into a seventeen year old when she crawled into a monolith.

You can be sure that this new sprog will not be allowed to crawl into any alien structures!



I hope we get to the planet on time. My baby bump looks huge. I'm getting the odd pain or two. Lately, I haven't been able to throw my spear as accurately as possible. Occasionaly, it's been a challenge fighting monsters in the holodeck simulation.

Wesley Crusher, my Life Servant and husband comes in, and looks alarmed.



"Karena, what are you doing by taking on all these strenuous events? You are on maternity leave!" he says.

"Nonsense." I tell him sharply, "I'm an amazon. We can hunt bears, fight, drink heavily and then just have our daughters right afterwards. We are far more stronger and physical that you are...OWWWW!!!

I feel the pain. My daughter is coming soon.

"Beam her to SickBay!" Wes tells the computer.

"Belay that and beam me to the transporter room. Get Doctor Ted to come." I tell him, "We are just coming into orbit around Wondawowman.

A few moments later, We are all ready to beam down. Doctor Ted joins us.



"How is our patent?" he says with an overenthusiastic laugh, and tapping my baby bump, "We'll soon have you out of there!"

"DO NOT DO THAT!" I warn him, "Otherwise I'll reprogram you to have less memory than a 20th century Atari."

In a few seconds, we are on the surface of my home planet.

To be continued....

TWQ: Foreign Scams

Editor's Note:

Apologies for being away so long, but events in the real world tend to be overshadowing right now. I hope in the near future that things can be restored. In the meantime...

TWQ (the Weekend Question) asks if you have been hit by a scam while on vacation either in your country or abroad, legal or otherwise. List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

* When arriving in Istanbul by air, we were told we had to pay extra for a 'visa' that had been imposed. This was a legal scam.

* In Paris, someone tried to sell a weekly rail pass to us, but I recognised it was just a one way rail ticket.

Now it's over to you...

TWQ: What are You Reading?

TWQ (the Weekend Question)  asks you what book you are reading at the moment.

What book are you currently reading, and what do you plan to read next? List your answers if you are not sure which it might be.

My answers are:

Currently, I'm reading The White Queen by Philippa Gregory. When that is over, I might read Sister by Rosamund Lupton or Before I Go To Sleep by SJ Watson . They are both sitting tthere tempting me.

Now it's over to you....

Looking Through CVs

Guest Poster: Will Riker

 Captain Picard has given Deanna and myseklf the unenviable task of looking through any applicants who want to join Starfleet. Though this is essentiallt done by the Academy, they thought we might be able to get a good idea of potential good students by looking through their CVs.

"These are a right shower, Deanna." I say disgustedly, "I doubt any of these will make it through the Academy, let alone get on a starship. They have no idea about how to write clearly.



"I know what you mean." answers Deanna Troi, "Listen to this one....I want to join Starfleet cuz I want to meet to meet lotz of sexy alien women."

"That's nothing." I reply, "James T Kirk said those very words on his CV when he applied to join. Still, times were different then."

"Quite so." Deanna answers, "He also adds....I also wanna blow up lots of evil aliens with my photon torpedoes."

"Perhaps we could put him in the diplomatic corps?" I slyly suggest.

"...If you want a galaxy war within a week!"  Deanna laughs. She takes a sip of her drinking chocolate, and I drink my coffee and eat my donut.

"Here's another one." I say, "She has sent her picture."





"She says....My name is Kara Thrace, although some call me Starbuck and want to be a pilot in Starfleet. I come from Caprica and was the top fighter pilot there. Give me a chance to prove myself.     She seems promising material, Deanna."

"I'm not sure, Will"  Deanna replies, "She looks a little too individual and wild for my liking.....listen to this other one...I want to be part of Starfleet for the glamour, the glory and the girls. If I save the universe a few times, then it's a bonus."

"That one is a real egotist." I tell her, "We don't want his sort in Starfleet."

"Then you'd better pack your bags, Will." laughs Deanna, "It was what you put on your CV many years ago."