The Unreality Barrier (Part Three)

I'm still stuck on Earth in the 20th Century, having swapped bodies with an actor called Patrick Stewart, who is making a tv series called 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. As we look alike, I can't convince anyone that I'm not the same man.

A flare from the Unreality Barrier had hit the Enterprise, and sent me to this alternate dimension, where the crew are portrayed as just being actors, who are filmed for the entertainment of the nation.

I can only hope that the crew of the Enterprise come up with something to get me back!

---------------

Currently I am lying in my trailer, hoping that I'll reappear suddenly on the Bridge. The door bangs heavily, and the exasperated Floor Manager enters.



"Look Patrick." he says with a sigh, "Enough's enough. What do you want? More money? I'll talk to the guys in Accounts. Now can we just get back to the studio?"

I agree. Playing an actor who is playing me shouldn't be too much of a problem until things get sorted out.

I get up to leave the trailer, and hear a quiet "About time!" coming from the Floor Manager.

We enter the studio and walk on to the set, which looks like a cheap version of the Bridge. I notice that the instrumant panels are just flashing lights, and none of the buttons actually do anything. Just in front of the videoscreen, there are several large cameras, each with someone operating them.

The director comes on to the Bridge.

"All right, everyone." he says, "We're going to do the big battle scene today. The Enterprise has had it's shields and Warp drive knocked out by the Feldorman ships, which are moving in to destroy it."

I have read the script and it unsettles me.

"One thing." I say.

He sighs. "What is it, Patrick?"

"I would not...I mean Picard would never order that method of attack; it leaves the ship open to attack from the other incoming Feldorman ships."

"What are you talking about Patrick?" says the director, with exasperation. "It's just a tv show. now get in position on the Captain's chair, Jonathan, Commander's chair, Michael, Tactical, Marina, sit next to Patrick, Brent, sit on the Com seat."

Marina, who plays Deanna, sits to my left and gives me a few strange glances, as if she wonders at my strange behaviour.



The videoscreen is in front of me, but there are no pictures. Just words saying 'Feldorman ships approaching'.

"Captain, the Feldorman ships are approaching." says the actor playing Data.

"Mr Worf" I say, "Evasive Pattern Delta One."

"Cut, cut!!" shouts the director, "Just what is 'Evasive Pattern Delta One', Patrick?"

"It's what I would use on the Enterprise in such a sitution." I reply. The director sighs. The Floor Manager is crying.

"Does this mean I can be Captain if you fire Patrick?" asks the actor named Jonathan who plays Riker.

Some things are always the same, even in the real or acting world.

Suddenly, I feel something strange happening to me, as if I am being pulled away by a strange force. I stand up, and feel my body dissolving and pulled apart. The last thing I hear is the director saying "Wow! That's a great special effect. Now that you've got it, we'll use it in next week's show!"

--------

I find myseld rematerialising on the Bridge; I look around. No directors, no Floor Managers, no cameras. Everything is just how it was.

"Bev? Number One?"

They confirm, and tell me what happened with Patrick, and that he dissolved when they met the flare from the Unreality Barrier.

I kiss Bev.

"What a relief it is to be back in the Real World of the 24th Century." I tell her, "Everything seemed so artificial and...unreal there."

We laugh at that.

The Unreality Barrier (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

Things have been going topsy-turvy since Jean-Luc was hit by a flare from the Unreality Barrier and fainted. It looks like he is going through an identity crisis, saying that his name is Patrick Stewart, and he wants to get on making the episode as fast as possible, otherwise he will call his agent.

----------

"Look, Gates." he tells me, "I don't know what you and the others are trying to pull here, but I need to get this season over with soon. I'm playing Hamlet in London soon. They will be expecting me next week."

I think I know the only way to bring his memory back; I grab Jean-Luc and kiss him heavily on the lips. He jumps back in horror.

"Gates!" he exclaims, "That sort of thing is just not on. I know we are friends off-set, but we don't want it to go any further."

I decide to take him around the ship; as we do, he looks shocked.

"This is all real!" he says with dawning thought, "No sets, no cameras; this is actually a starship travelling at Warp speed, and not a studio in Hollywood, Los Angeles."

"That's right, Jean-Luc...er Patrick." I tell him. It looks like Jean-Luc has actually swapped bodies with a 20th Century actor in another dimension.

"But what are we going to do?" he asks, "I'm supposed to be filming Star Trek:The Next Generation on 20th Century Earth, not being on the Enterprise in the 24th Century! How will I ever play Hamlet again?"

"Well, we have a good theatre here." says Riker, as he approaches, "Data is well researched in all the roles."



Patrick groans. Riker gets a message on his Com.

"We have a problem." he tells us, "A Zarvanian Battleship has approached, and it will not let us through peacefully until it talks to Captain Picard."

We all look at Patrick.

"No, I won't do it." he says.

"Why not?" I tell him, "You've done it lots of times before in your tv series."

"Yes." he answers, "But with a script in front of me, Floor Managers, directors and cameras."

He reluctantl;y agrees, and we head to the Bridge. Patrick gets ready to slip into his Picard persona as he looks at the videoscreen.

"I am err...Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise." he declares, "What is it you want?"

"Ahh!" says the Zarvanian, "You are Captain Picard; I recognise you. Your name is well known in Zarvanian circles for your daring exploits. I wanted to have the honour of saying hello. It has been a pleasure to talk to you."

With that, the screen switches off, and the Battleship flies off.

"That must rank as my best acting performance ever." Patrick says to himself.

"Look." I say to the others, "How are we going to manage to swap Patrick and Jean-Luc back again?"

"I believe I may have the answer." says Data, "I have been studying the Unreality Barrier, and found that a flare emits every 187.5 minutes. If we put ourselves in the same position again, a flare will coming and hit Patrick, swapping them back."

"Or swap someone else." Riker tells him.

Data admits this, but we all agree it is a chance worth taking.

We get ready and put ourselves in position. I wonder how Jean-Luc has been doing on the Star Trek set in the 20th Century?

To be continued...

The Unreality Barrier (Part One)

Well, we had to do it, didn't we?

We see a strange anomoly in space, picked up by the Enterprise sensors. Now the logical thing to do would be to turn the ship 180 degrees round, and speed off at Warp Nine to the nearest Starbase, relax and say "That was a close one."

But no, instead we decide to go nearer, as we are supposed to be explorers. Never mind the fact that most explorers usually turn out to be dead after a while because they got too nosey."

"What do the sensors say, Mr Data?" I ask.

"They seem to pick up a high resonance of hypervariable particles, concentating on the inner field. It appears they are fluctuating rapidly, which would indicate...."

"In English, Data!" Riker tells him.

"It appears that the readings are similar to that we have seen when we encountered the Reality Barrier."

"Is it falling apart again?" I ask with increased alarm. I don't want that happening again.

"No, sir." he replies, "Actually, this is NOT the Reality Barrier, but a sort of polar opposite."

"You mean an UN-reality Barrier?" questions Riker.

"Possibly." Data says, "We should leave immediately, as this is a turbulent area, and flares from the barrier are likely to emit at any time."

As he says so, a flare shoots out, appears on the Enterprise Bridge and hits me.

Why is it always me? Suddenly I feel myself dissolving and blacking out.

-------------------

"Are you all right?" I hear a voice calling to me, "Quick, get the Floor Manager."

I wake up and see a strange figure over me.



"What happened, Patrick?" he asks me, "I know this episode has been hard work for you. Do you want to rest for half an hour in your trailer?"

"Excuse me?" I saw, "Who are you?"

"Yeah, okay Patrick." he answers, "I'm the Studio Floor Manager. We've got a heavy schedule to complete. 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' isn't an easy series to do."

I look around in puzzlement.



The Bridge looks slightly the same, but there is something artificial about it, as part of it is cut away to reveal an old style television studio. On the Bridge are 20th century televion cameras. The main viewer is just a blue screen telling people what to do.

What is going on?

"What is this?" I ask, "I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise. Why have you abducted me to this artificial environment?"

"Whoa!" laughs Riker, "Hey, Patrick, I know you like to get into your roles, but don't you think you're laying it on a bit thick?"

"Number One?" I say, "Are you in this as well?"

"It's Jonathan to you." he says, "I'm not having you call me that dopey title outside work hours."
Geordi approaches; he is not wearing his visor, and can see!

"I think we'd better get the studio doctor." he observes, "Patrick's not feeling well. He seems to think he's in charge of the actual ship."

"Yeah, that's a good one, LeVar" laughs out Data, "The boys will laugh at that one in the next briefing we'll have."

Bev walks across the studio, and asks what is going on.

"You've got to help me, Bev." I plead.

It seems she tries hard not not giggle, but says she will take me back to my trailer, where I'll be able to rest. On the way, I tey to explain things to her.

"Look." she tells me, "I'm Cheryl McFadden, although everybody calls me Gates. You are Patrick Stewart, and we are in the 20th Century making a science fiction show called 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. You remember now?"

"Bev...err..Cheryl....err..Gates." I tell her, "I'm from the 24th Century and we encountered an Unreality Barrier. It has sent me to this artificial, alternate universe"

She sighs; it's going to be tough to convince her.

I approach my trailer, as I see the world around is 20th Century Earth.

I rest there, wonder how I am going to get back to the real Enterprise, and also wonder what Patrick the actor is thinking of it?

To be continued...

Through The Stargate (Part Three)

After a little while in custody at Stargate Command, General Hommand instructs that Beverly, Worf, Geordi and myself be checked by Dr Janet Fraiser in medical.




"Well, what do you have?" asks Hammond a little later.

"All I can say, General" she replies, is that these people are from an advanced society. Lieutenant Worf, who says he is a Klingon, is not from a race we have heard of before. Lieutenant Commander LaForge is blind and uses this visor to see. Doctor Beverly Crusher...well she uses a shade of red in her hair I've never seen before."

Beverly glares at her.

"Actually your SickBay is rather old-fashioned" Beverly says in a sneering way; we don't operate by opening people up, and I have a holographical medical assistant."

Janet Fraiser looks angry as Beverly smiles, as if she's won. I should think those two wouldn't get along together.

While we were in custody, I surmised with the others that we might have crossed through the Reality Barrier, as Stargate Command has never been mentioned before in Easth's defence history. Despite it's high classification, it would have made it's way into Starfleet records.

"Now look!" Hammond tells us, "It seems like SG1 did some sort of swap with you people. We just want them back."

Suddenly, there is a flash in the operations room, and a weird figure materialises.



"May I be of assistannce, General Hammond? he asks.

This strange figure, who it turns out is Thor, Supreme Leader of the Asgard Fleet seems to remind me of the Roswell Incident of 1947. Naturally, we're not supposed to talk about that.

"Sure you can, Thor" replies Hammond, and he explains the situation.

"SG1 are most important." comments Thor, "Colonel O'Neill's witticisms are required reading for the Fleet, and Major Carter is the pin-up girl for all Cadets...and a few Officers."

He goes red faced at this thought.

Thor beams us up and takes us to the planet we came from and starts to create an ion storm.

"There is a co-ordinating storm coming from another place he tells us. If I see four figures coming out of the Stargate, I shall beam you down." says Thor.

In about ten minutes he notices a movement.

"Goodbye, Captain Picard." he says.

Instead of appearing on the planet's surface, as are in the transporter room of the Enterprise.

Riker is there.

"Captain." he tells me, "You won't believe who we've had on board."

"Oh, I think I will, Number One, I think I will."

Through The Stargate (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Will Riker

As the ion storm on the planet was intensifying, we think the safest thing is the bring the Cap, Dr Crusher, Geordi and Worf back right away.

That;'s not exactly what we get back...



Four figures dressed in green look around; a silver haired man, another in spectacles, a blonde woman and a strange man with an insignia on his head.

"Oh for cryin' out loud, Carter!" says the silver haired man to the woman, "Where have we ended up now?"

"I don't know, sir" she replies, "I dialled the right gate number."

I step forward and introduce myself as Commander Will Riker of the starship Enterprise. The silver haired man introduces himself as Colonel Jack O' Neill of Stargate SG1. Eventually, it transpires they are from the closing years of the 20th Century on Earth.

"I've never heard of Stargate Command." I tell the Colonel.

"Ah well, we keep things very hush hush and classified." O'Neill replies, with a wry smile, "We can't go telling about it to every Tom, Dick or Harry."

"Indeed" comments Teal'c, "We have saved the earth from the Gou'ld on many an occasion."

"Perhaps you would like something from the replicators?" Deanna asks the group. O'Neill looks alarmed.

"Replicators?" he says worryingly, "You have Replicators on this ship?"

We certainly do." Deanna replies, "They serve our every need on the Enterprise."

SG1 start to look ready for action.

"Get your machine guns ready, team." O'Neill tells them, "We'll soon get those bugs wiped off the ship. Carter, you're with me, Daniel, you go with Teal'c."

"Hold on, Colonel." I say, "I think there has been a breakdown in communications. Replicators on this ship are not threatening, and are clearly not the same as you've come across."

After we both define our versions of replicators, the Colonel is happy. I must admit the Replicators he mentioned sound scary.

We go back to talking about them being from the past.

"Since I deal in things from the past, Jack" says Daniel Jackson, "This is hardly my forte. It 's more like Sam's. She deals with advanced technology."

Samantha Carter's eyes light up like Deanna's would if she were in a chocolate shop as she sees all the technology.

"What does this do?" she says to Data, indicating the transporter.

He explains it's function to Major Carter. Colonel O'Neill looks in amazement.

"Holy Schmoly!" he comments, "A talking robot! You guys have got some swell set-ups here."

We send them to the holographic doctor to get a medical check-up. In the mean-time, I talk with Data.

"How come we never heard of Stargate Command going in the late 20th Century, Data." I ask, "From what I hear, they travel to planets and accomplish far more than I ever thought humans could be capable of doing then."

"Indeed, sir." replies Data, "It may have all been highly classified in the deepest vaults of secrecy. There is another theory that when the ion storm was at the peak, the Captain, Doctor Crusher, Lieutenant Worf and Lieutenant Commander LaForge could have crossed through the Reality Barrier."

"The one that started breaking a while ago." I tell him, "And swapped them for this four. It's very possible. Let's see how they get on in medical."

----------------

In SickBay, the EMH is looking very distressed. He slso starts to complain that Colonel O'Neill tried to check if the doctor was really there when he found he was a hologram.

"I've never seen anything like it." the EMH tells me, "That man has a snake in his stomach!", indicating Teal'c.

"Oh, that's Junior." calls out O'Neill, "He's there to keep Teal'c company."

"Actually" Teal'c informs me, "It is my Gou'ld symbiot. Without it, I would not be able to live."

"Hey!" Major Carter tells me, "Is it ok if I go down to Engineering? I'd love to see what I can do by tinkering a few knobs and switches. I may be able to make it go a little faster."

"I don't think our Chief Engineer would be too happy at that, Major." I inform him.

"That's right!" comments O'Neill, "Don't you think getting off this ship and back to SGC is the first priority, Carter?"

"I guess so, sir." she replies, looking a little disappointed.

Data considers this.

"It seems like the only way of doing this is to re-create the ion storm by what we have on the Enterprise." he says.

"But we don't know where the other four will be at the time!" O'Neill states.

"Nevertheless." Data continues, "It is the only chance we have."

Through The Stargate (Part One)

When a planet has ion storms, it's wise to stay well clear as all sorts of problems can come up.

However, we have been directed to explore it by Starfleet as reports of dilithium crystals have been detected by long-range scanners

Worf, Beverly, Geordi and myself are getting ready to go.

"I think it's too dangerous with the ion storm, Captain." Riker tells me as I am ready to beam down.

"Then be thankful I didn't choose you to go down, Number One." I reply driely.

"Ready to beam you down, Captain." Data tells me.

The co-ordinates are transmitted and we arrive on the surface as a massive ion storm shakes the sky.

"Bringing you back, Captain." says Data, "The storm is too dangerous."

"Talk about bad weather.." Geordi tald to himself.

We look and see a large circular object



The last of four people in green uniforms seem to be beaming up to the Enterprise. A blue beam comes from the circular device and takes us inside.

-------

We all go through a long vortex and step out the other side. A group of people are aiming guns at us.

A bald man of military intelligence, evidently in an old-style US Air Force outfit of the 20th Century looks amazed and angry.



"All right!" he shouts at us, I want to know what you've done with SG1!....and what is that?"

He looks at Worf when saying this, who gets annoyed at being referred to as a 'that'.

"I am a member of the Klingon Empire!" he states proudly.

The bald man, who looks like a General looks to his soldiers.

"Take them into custody, men" he orders them, "It looks like the Goa'uld may be trying something new."

"General" I tell him, "I see your name is Hammond from your badge. It may be hard for you to understand, but it looks like we're from the future. We come the 24th Century."

Hammond smiles, as if he's heard these sort of stories many times.

"Yeah, sure" he says, " Do you think we are that stupid to believe that. Another Goa'uld trick to get us to reveal the iris codes."

It looks like things aren't exactly going to be easy here.

To be continued...

TWQ: Useful And Useless TV Characters

TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about those supporting tv characters that appear in our favourite shows.

Can you name the most useful and useless tv characters in any programme and why? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Useful:

Chloe O' Brien (24) : Jack Bauer may have saved the world a few times, but would he have done it without computer genius Chloe to guide him round? She could sort out any computer problems!

Chloe Sullivan (Smallville) : Would there be a Superman had not Chloe rescued him? This computer genius is the best actor in the series, and the best suited for Clark.

Penelope Garcia (Criminal Minds) : Computer experts seem to be dominating the list, but they keep the main characters going. She must have the fastest computers there are! The others get to the unsub extra fast with Penelope's help.

Useless:

Lana Lang (Smallville) : It's no surprise that she tops the list, as she serves no purpose at all. Let's hope Clark tires of her really soon.

Clare (Lost) : This place would have been reserved for Shannon from the same series, but is not here for obvious reasons. All Clare does is hold baby Aaron, who will virtually never age as each week we watch is just a day on the island!

Ian (Desperate Housewives) : This boyfriend of Susan with an awful English accent surely needs to be dispatched somehow!

Now it's over to you...

Stringworld (Part Three)

Fortunately, in the time we have been waiting for Brains and the Tracys to arrive, things have settled down.

Atlanta and Marina have made Deanna and Riker kiss and make up telling them that the dispute they have over Troy Tempest is for them to sort out. That's what Atlanta said. Marina is as quiet as ever.

Steve Zodiac and Commander Sam Shore are waiting around the combined Star City/Marineville Headquarters.

We are hoping Brains and Data will be able to solve the problem as to why all the inhabitants of Stringworld are guided by a mysterious force named 'The Anderson Spirit'.

---------------

Suddenly, we hear a noise outside; we look and see.





"I think they need noise reductions on those engines." comments Riker, "A lot of the windows are breaking. International Rescue probably have a deal with all the glaziers."

A little while later, two men, together with a bespectacled one walk in.



"Hi, I'm Scott, the top flyer of the Thunderbirds; Dad sent us over to see if we could help."



"Who says you're the top flyer?" says the other, "You only pilot it because you're the firstborn, otherwise I would have been top dog. I should have strangled you when we were children. Hi, I'm Virgil."

"You just do the grunt work in Thunderbird 2, Virgil." Scott replies, "I'm surprised Dad didn't put you out of the way in the space station like I suggested. John is a much better pilot. You're always crashing Thunderbird 2."

"Not as much as you do in Thunderbird 1!" retorts Virgil.

"N-now t-then, boys." replies Brains in a strange stuttering voice, "Y-you know what your father said about your squabbles."

Are people always fighting on this planet? Still, I guess it's no different from all the disputes we get on the Enterprise.

Data and Brains go into the laboratory.



Some time later, they come out.

"A-at f-first" says Brains, "I t-thought it might be The H-Hood."

"Is that something all the inhabitants wear?" asks Deanna.

"No, Counselor." answers Data, "He appears to be a criminal on this planet."

"A-after looking t-through the lens into space," Brains continued, "W-we have seen a ring surrounding the p-planet. It seems it c-comes from that."

I call the Enterprise to investigate the ring; there is a device left inside; with photon torpedoes, the object is destroyed.

In the control room, Troy, Phones, Shore, Atlanta, Marina, Zodiac, Virgil, Scott and Brains all collapse to the floor.

What have we done? I'll have to pull a few strings to put everything right. This is pushing the Prime Directive a little too far.

Then slowly, each of them manages to get up, though it is a struggle at first, and stand up proud. They all look elated.

"Thank you, Captain." says Commander Shore, "You have freed us from the opressive Anderson Spirit that has haunted us for generations.

----------------

A little while later, we are just about to leave. We see Troy Tempest in his best clothes on the terrace romancing Marina.



Atlanta sees them. Oh dear.

She rushes up behind them and pushes Marina over the balcony and into the ocean.

"Take a drink of that, Fish-face!" she exclaims, then proceeds to give Tempest a long, lingering kiss, as Marina emerges bedraggled.

Deanns has a smile on her face as I indicate that it's time to beam up.

Stringworld (Part Two)

What kind of a place is this Stringworld?

All of the inhabitants walk strangely , guided by tiny ropes that vanish into nothingness, and they are carbon/wood based.

Commander Shore tells me they are guided by the Anderson Spirit.

With me in the Star City/Marineville complex is Steve Zodiac, Commander Sam Shore (who is in a hoverchair), plus two women; Shore's daughter Atlanta and her rival for Troy Tempest, Marina.

A call is coming in from Lord Titan, who lives at the bottom of the sea in Titanica.

Deanna, Data and Riker are with me looking on....

------------------

The videoscreen flickers into life.



A green figure appears in front of a throne that looks like a giant oyster. Riker and I maintain a supressed giggle; even Deanna looks like she's going to burst out laughing any moment. Data looks rather perplexed and confused.

"I am Lord Titan!" booms the image; actually he looks more like how the father of an Orion Slave Girl might look. We continue listening to him.

"There are invaders to this planet." he goes on, "They will surely invade Titanica; one of my Terror Fish will send out a cobalt destructive missile. It will easily pierce their shields."

Our smiles vanish instantly, as I use my Com to alert Worf, who instantly sends a photon torpedo to meet the missile. The blast rocks the picture, and Titan looks a little bedraggled, as if he has been in a fishtank and it's been pushed around.

The picture of Titan goes off and Marineville communications tell us Stingray is on it's way; we look at the video.



---------------------

A few moments later, Troy Tempest and Phones are in the office. I've noticed that everybody seems to have massive eyebrows; it must be a genetic trait of those who live on this world.



"Hello Commander, Marina, Steve, Atlanta" Troy says to them all.

Commander Shore explains the situation to them and who we are; Atlanta sharply interrupts.

"I noticed you greeted me last of all, Troy!" she tells him angrily, "You can't string me around like this; I'm a woman, and you can't two-time me with a fish."

"Atlanta!" the Commander says angrily, "This isn't the time for that."

"Why not?" she replies, "To Troy, I'm just his puppet who will do what he says."

I empathise with him, though. I had the same trouble with Deanna and Jadzia when they were fighting over Worf.

"The fact that we are carbon/wood based has been a problem." Troy continues, "My friend Mike Mercury, who piloted Supercar had a nasty accident while he was juggling chainsaws at the party he went to."

"What about the Anderson Spirit?" I ask Commander Shore, "Do you think you might be manipulated by aliens?"

"That's a good question, Captain." he says, "One man who might be able to help us is Hiram J Hackenbacker, who is also known as 'Brains'. He works for a friend of mine, Jeff Tracy. I'll call him.

The videomonitor comes alive again. What a place!



"Hi Sam." says the figure, "This is Jeff; what's the problem?"

Shore tells him what is happening, and who we are.

"That is ambitious" replies Tracy, "If it goes wrong, we could all fall on our faces instead of our feet. I'll send Brains with the boys; it looks like he and this Data guy might come up with something."

Atlanta is taunting Marina again. I hope we can get going soon. Riker is sympathising with Marina while Deanna is angry with him and says she thinks Atlanta is being overlooked.

Troy Tempest and myself are both staying out of the way.

To be continued...

Stringworld (Part One)

We've been sent to investigate a mysterious planet in the Sylvian Sector. The Gerry Probe that we sent out has revealed some strange facts about it's occupants.

-----------------

The Enterprise approaches the planet; the sensor sweep proves what the probe confirmed. The inhabitants are a mixture of carbon and wooden lifeforms.

"Maybe it's Pinocchio's family?" suggests Riker in his usual jocular manner.

I roll my eyes at his suggestion, but I must admit, the thought had occured to me.

Suddenly a spaceship roars past at warp speed.



Oddly enough, it looks slightly as if it being manipulated by a rope or something; it must be my imagination.

"They are hailing us, Captain." Worf tells me, and an image appears on the screen.



"This is Steve Zodiac of Fireball XL5" says the figure, "Welcome to Stringworld. If you will beam down to the co-ordinates I give you, we will welcome you at the combined Space City-Marineville Headquarters."

The hail ends and we look blank at each other.

"That guy is attached to some kind of string, Captain." Riker observes.

"I agree, Number One." I reply, "Deanna, what do you see."

"It's hard to tell" she says, "There seems to be life within, but I see mainly trees."

I decide to gather an Away Team, and choose Deanna, Riker and Data to come with me.

-----------------------

When we beam down, we are greeted by Zodiac, together with a man in a hoverchair and a young woman. In the corner is another woman sitting in a fishtank. I decide not to ask about this.



"Welcome, Captain" says the man in the hoverchair, "I am Commander Sam Shore of Marineville; this is my daughter Atlanta. The woman you noticed in the corner is Marina, a woman Troy Tempest rescued from the clutches of the evil Lord Titan."

"Troy Tempest?" I ask.

"He is one of the pilots of the Stingray underwater craft. The other is Phones." the Commander tells us.

"What was that?" Riker says with a smile.

"Phones. We call him that because he always wears headphones. No one knows his real name. I don't think anybody has thought to ask."

Atlanta Shore is looking angily at Marina with gritted teeth.



"Commander." I say, "Marina hasn't said much."

"She doesn't speak." he replies, "Lord Titan has threatened to destroy her if she ever does. Still, she is really a whizz at charades. She and Atlanta don't get on as they both like Troy Tempest. I've seen her using a fishing road to taunt Marina."

"I do not!!" replies Atlanta, with a guilty face, "I just want a normal relationship with Troy, no strings attached, and not having to compete with a fish!"

Marina starts to cry.

"I'm lucky." Zodiac comments, "I have Venus as my love interest. Still, Captain Picard, your Commander Data looks more advanced than Robby the robot."

This is getting ridiculous.

"Commander" I try to say, "The reason why we came here is that we noticed that the lifeforms here are carbon/wood based. We haven't come across this before. Oddly enough, each of you seem to be guided somehow by some spiritual rope."

"That's exactly it!" replies Shore, "On Stringworld, we are all guided by the Anderson spirit. He tells us what to do, and takes us through life."

Deanna, Data, Riker and myself exchange glances.

"Commander" asks Deanna delicately, "Have you considered walking on your own two feet?"

Just before a reply can be issued, we are informed by Marineville communications that a message is coming in from Lord Titan.

"Get Stingray back here!" he calls out.

Why do we get caught up in these things?

To be continued...

The Reality Barrier (Part Three)

Things are completely out of hand here on the Enterprise.

Since a large crack in space appeared, which appears to have been a barrier between the real and unreal universes, people from the latter have been appearing on the ship.

Right now on the Bridge, Bilko is selling raffle tickets for the Motorpool Dance. Lucy and Ricky Ricardo have promised to come; Steve Austin will be bringing Jaime Sommers. Jack Bauer, who still isn't sure whether it is a Chinese torture illusion where he is, has put himself down for two tickets with him and Audrey Raines 'just in case'.

I wouldn't mind that, but Beverly has bought two tickets as well! She replicated some old dollar bills.

I'm not letting Bilko near that replicator!

"Four people have appeared in Cargo Bay 1 along with a large circular object." says Worf, "One of them, a Colonel Jack O' Neill said he was en route to Earth and appeared here instead. He said he blames Carter for dialling the wrong number, and from now on, Daniel will do that."

I groan, sit down in my Captain's Chair, and have a stress pill.

"Calculations show that the Barrier will explode in ten minutes, Captain." states Data, "When that happens, the universes will become one."

"..and reality and unreality will be one and the same." continues Riker, "Who knows what evil ficticious creatures will become real?"

Another flash of light on the Bridge.



"Mighty fine to meet you all." the man says, "The name is JR Ewing; can I interest you in some shares for Ewing Oil? We're doing really well this year."

I decline, and he looks at Deanna.

"Well, howdee, honey" he says as he smiles, "You look really pretty. You're not related to the Barnes by any chance are you? Don't want to make the mistake my idiot brother Bobby did."

"Deanna's with me!" Riker declares.

"After an evening with me, she'll soon change her mind" laughs JR, "Won't you, darlin?"

Deanna slaps him on the face.

"I love the frisky ones who play hard to get" says JR, with a chuckle.

Just a few minutes to go before the explosion, sir." Data reminds us.

Another flash of light on the Bridge; what now?




A blonde woman in a dark costume appears.

"Err...hello" she says, "Can you tell me where I am? It looks like one of my spells has gone wrong. Darren will be wanting his dinner."

"I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the 24th Century starship Enterprise." I tell her, "And you are..?"

"I'm err, Samantha Stevens" she replies, "I was just reciting a spell to get all the housework done and suddenly I appeared here. I guess I must have got it wrong somewhere."

"What do you mean 'reciting a spell'" asks Worf, "Are you a member of the Q Continuum?"

"I don't know what that means." replies Samantha, "I'm just a witch."

"Are you saying you can recite spells to make things happen?" I ask.

"Sure" she tells me, "Although my husband Darren doesn't like me using my powers too much, especially when I cheat on the housework."

"Never mind that, Samantha" I say, "Do you see that large crack in space? Do you think you could repair it and reverse all the emissions that have come out of it?"

"That's a tough one!" she replies, "Definately one that would be in the Advanced Witches Spellbook."

Samantha twitches her nose and a large book appears in her hand.

She opens the book and goes through several pages before she finds what she wants. Samantha then recites a few weird words and twitches her nose again.

"The Barrier is starting to seal up again" says Data.

Lucy and Desi disappear from the Bridge; then Steve Austin and Jack Bauer. The four in the Cargo Bay vanish, together with the circular object.

JR Ewing then vanishes, just as he was persuading Geordi to buy shares in Ewing Oil.

"The Barrier is almost healed" Riker says.

"Thanks. Samantha" I say to her.

"No problem at all." she replies, "I'll have to get back to making Darren his dinner". Samantha winks and touches her nose. Then she vanishes.

"It's all sorted out, then Captain" says Riker.

"Yes, Number One," I reply, "But how do I tell Starfleet that the universe was saved by a witch who twitched her nose?"

The Reality Barrier (Part Two)

With the fabric of reality breaking down in the universe, and no sign of how to correct it, things are looking bleak.

"I sense great alarm." Deanna tells me.

That woman!

Bilko is talking with Lucy and Ricky Ricardo; apparently he is winning a considerable amount of money from a card trick he is showing them.

Another sudden flash of light and a man appears on the Bridge.



"This looks something special." he says, "It seems like I've got a sci-fi problem."

"Who are you?" I ask him.

"The name's Colonel Steve Austin" he replies, "Don't worry, I usually solve these problems in an hour; that's unless it's a two-parter, then I have two hours."

We all look puzzled.

"Be careful, Captain" says Worf, "Our sensors show that he has concealed implants; he may be an advanced form of Borg."

"That's all we need!" Riker exclaims.

Seven steps forward.

"You look interesting." she says with passion, "Do you have a message from the Borg Queen? I cannot seem to detect anything you are saying in the hive mind, however."

"Whoah!" shouts Austin, "What are you, metal girl? One of Rudy Wells' prototype rejects? Oscar never told me about you!"

Seven looks in disgust.

"The Barrier is still falling apart, Captain" says, "Another flash of light is iminent."

As it takes place, another man appears on the increasingly crowded Bridge.



He looks around swiftly.

"What's going on?" he says. Then he gets an early 21st century cell phone and starts talking into it.

"Chloe." he says desperately, "It looks like the Chinese have sent me on a brainwashing trip to make me seem as if I'm in the future....Chloe...are you there?"

I step forward.

"Mr...err..?"

"The name's Jack Bauer, and that's all you're going to get from me!" he replies.

Bauer then looks around, sees Worf, Lucy, Desi, Bilko and Austin.

"Just what is going on here?" he asks, "Surely none of this is real?"

I'm beginning to ask that myself; the screen shows the Barrier is steadily breaking up, and unless we can think of something drastic soon, the real world and the unreal world will melt together.

To be continued...

The Reality Barrier (Part One)

We've been sent to investigate an apparent 'fracture in space' that has happened as a result of Starfleet testing their new 'MegaMissiles'.

That's typical; cause a problem and send the Enterprise to sort it all out. Has anyone noticed the frequency of these happenings?

After a day's travel, we are now in the Barnarian Sector; sensors are going crazy. Data's reasoning for this is "I do not know."

Very helpful.

As we approach, we see a giant crack in the space/time continuum. This always seems to happen.

"Indications are that the gap is getting wider and will not stop." Data tells me, "The probe we sent has disappeared; there appears to be absolutely nothing of the real universe in there."

"I sense there is something" Deanna informs me, "And it's coming out of the barrier."

That's a first; Deanna telling me that is not glaringly obvious.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash from the barrier and despite the fact that we have shields up, two figures appear on the bridge.



As the pair appear to be harmess, I go to greet them.

"Hello, I am Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise. Would you like to...."

"LUCEEE!!!" shouts the man to the woman, "What have you done this time!"

"Ricky!" she stammers, "It's not my fault, maybe Fred and Ethel know something about it all. Why don't you go and ask them?"

"Oh, sure, Lucy!" he tells her, "I'll just walk upstairs, shall I?"

"Would you mind telling me who you are?" I ask.

"I'm Ricky Ricardo, and this is my wife Lucy" the man tells us, "Where are we?"

"You're on the 24th Century starship Enterprise, Mr Ricardo." Riker tells them.

They look stunned.

"I don't know how you got us into this mess, Lucy." says Ricky, "But I can't see it getting sorted out in half an hour."

Data tells me quietly that the two of them never really existed, but were characters in a 20th century Earth television show.

"They are real now, Mr Data" I inform him.

"That is true, Captain." he says, "The Barrier is a pathway between real and unreality."

Another sudden flash, and a single character joins Lucy and Ricky.



The figure is a 20th Century military figure; he swiftly looks around, sees me and gets out a pack of cards.

"Pick a card!" he asks.

I look at Riker, who smiles. A card is selected; the ten of clubs.

"Put it back in the pack." says the man. He then shuffles them around and a card pops up.

"Ten of clubs!" he asks?

"Yes" I reply, "But who are you.."

"I'm Master Sergeant Ernie Bilko" he replies, "Just call me Ernie; do you want to play poker? If you've got a few dollars, let's see how good you are."

"I'm err...sorry...Ernie," I tell him, "We don't have currency in this society"

"Boy, am I in the wrong location!" he says to himself, "What kind of place is this?"

"It's a kind of spaceship in the 24th Century, Ernie." Lucy tells him, "I can't think how we ended up here."

Data tells me that Bilko is another character from an Earth tv show, and that as the Barrier grows wider, the two universes could mix.

"You mean...?" Deanna asks.

"Yes, Counselor." Data continues, "The real and unreal universes could all be one."

To be continued...

The Buck Stops Here

The scanners of the Enterprise have found a vessel floating in space; it apprantly has one human lifesign on it.

"The ship is a NASA one and is nearly 400 years old." says Data.

"Do you know which one it is?" I ask,

"Apparantly, it is Ranger 3, an experimental deep space vessel that was secretly launched in 1987. It's pilot is a Captain William Rogers."

"Let's wake him up and welcome him to the 24th Century" I say, "He'll have quite a shock to find that he's been frozen in space for 400 years."

-------------

Ranger 3 is taken to Cargo Bay 2, where Captain Rogers is woken up; he looks puzzled. He emerges wearing a white space outfit with flares.

"Where am I?" he asks.

"I'm Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise." I announce, "You've been frozen in space for over 400 years; all you friends are dead; welcome to the 24th Century."



He looks shocked, but says , "Err..call me Buck, Captain Picard."

Deanna whispers to me, "Captain, I think he could have received the news in a more subtle manner than that."

"Wow!" says Buck, looking at Deanna, "What a hot babe! You and I could make sweet music together. How about a date later?"

Both Riker and Worf look irritated, but Deanna marches up and slaps Buck on the face.

"I am not a hot babe!" Deanna shouts at him, "Us women have far more rights than we did in 1987."

She walks away in a huff.

"I'll have to watch my step around here!" Buck says to me.

I notice he has an extra large gun in his holster.

"That looks a little dangerous, Captain Rogers," I say, "Do you mind if we have that?"

"What about all the hostile aliens around?" he protests, "What am I going to incinerate them with? There's one for a start!"

He looks at Worf.

"Lieutenant Worf is a member of my crew." I tell him, "He is not a hostile alien."

Well, most of the time he isn't. Those other Klingons can be a bit cross at times.

"In the 24th Century" I educate Buck, "We promote peace, harmony and galactric brotherhood within the United Federation of Planets."

"You all sound like a bunch of space hippies if you ask me." replies Buck, "All right then, where's the nearest Space Princess?"

"Sorry?" I ask him, "What do you mean, Buck?"

"A Space Princess." the Captain says, "The young leader of a planet who I'll probably fall in love with for a while. It doesn't matter if she's good or evil. I'll be able to make her redeem her bad self. If there's none around, the leader of a tribe of Amazonian Warriors will do."

"Err....sorry, Buck, there are no Space Princesses or Amazonian Warriors around at all." I tell him.

He thinks for a moment and shakes his head.

"Look, Captain Picard, "I don't think you should have woken me up here. This is such a dull place; there aren't hostile aliens, there are no Space Princesses and no one wears trendy flares. Can you put me back in Ranger 3 and freeze me, so that I wake up in a time when I'm needed?"

"If that's what you want, Buck." I say, "Dr Crusher will erase your short term memory and put you back in Ranger 3."

------------------

Buck is put in the ship and Ranger 3 drifts again through space.

"Do you think he'll find what he wants, Jean-Luc?" asks Beverly.

"If he is woken in a time when he can sort out problems by himself, fall in love consistantly with Space Princesses and Amazonian Warriors and be in a world where everybody wears flares, he'll be more than happy, Beverly."

Lost And Found

Today, I put my entry in for Vampirella's Dance Competition. Click her blog to find out how well Beverly and I did!

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The Enterprise is heading at maximum warp to a small planet named Orion 3 on the rim of the Alpha Quadrant. Aliens have reported thar a colony of humans has been sighted there.

"A colony of humans could not be on the planet." states Data in his best know-it-all voice. We have not established a group anywhere in that sector. The aliens must be mistaken."

"Nonetheless, Mr Data, it is up to us to investigate."

Two hours later, we had arrived.

"Planet Orion 3" Data announces. "Standard Orbit"

As if there is any other sort we use when we get to a planet!

"Where is commander Riker?" I ask the computer.

"Commander Riker is in Ten Forward."

I called him on the Com, "Put that donut down, Number One, we need to go on an away mission."

"How did you know I was..?" asks Riker.

"You always are" I reply. "It'll be the Enterprise gym for you when we get back."

"Captain." Data informs me, "I've done a scan of the planet surface, and it confirms there are over 40 humans in a small island area. There are also remnants of a 21st century aeroplane there."

"intriguing"

Myself, Riker, Data, Beverly, and Deanna prepare for the away mission and beamed down to where the plane is.

We analyse the plane.

"This is the remnants of a plane that disappeared on it's way from Sydney to Los Angeles in the early 21st Century. It was never found." Data tells us.

"Hey! Who are you!" says a few voices behind us.

.

A group of assorted individuals come out behind the trees.

"I'm Jean-Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise." I announce in my usual assertive voice.

"Hey! A spaceman, doc. That's all we need."

"Keep a lid on it, Sawyer!"

"Let's hear what the man has to say" says one woman.

"You would say that, freckles. Are you starting to like bald men instead of the doctor? What till Jack hears about that!"

"Maybe he knows how well the Driveshaft album sales are doing." says one young man.

"I don't care" sniffs a young blonde woman, "I'm going to do some more sunbathing."

"I think he is here to help us" says one bald man. "These people have come a long way. We should listen to them."

"I agree, Locke." delares another, who appeared to be the leader, "How did you get here; we didn't see your boat? Did you fly here?"

"Er..sort of..." I say. This was going to be a tough one. I don't there was a class for dealing with this sort of thing.

"I'm Jack" he announces, "Can you tell us what's going on? You said you were from a STARship?
"Well, what year do you think it is?" I ask him.

"2005 of course" he replies.

"Welcome to the 24th Century. You're on the Planet Orion 3 on the rim of the Alpha Quadrant" I tell them.

There was a stunned silence.

"Hey dude, you're putting us on." comments one rather large man, "You'll have to do better than that.

"It seems your areoplane passed through a space/time vortex during your flight and crash landed on this planet." Data tells them.

"Oh, man, that's just great!" sneers Sawyer, "A world full of ray guns and robots. I ain't ready for that. Although the women ain't bad." he looks at Deanna and Beverly approvingly, much to the annoyance of Riker and myself.

"We can introduce you into 24th Century ways" tells Deanna.

The group go into a huddled discussion; take a few looks at us, shake their heads and carry on talking. Eventually, Jack comes towards us.

"Sorry, Captain." he tells us, "we've unanimously decided to stay here. We reckon that by staying here we can escape the same way we came and through the space/time vortex and back to the 21st Century."

We beam back, leaving the humans there.

"Do you think they will find a way back home, Captain?" asks Riker.

"I don't know, Number One, but they look such an odd sort, they'll either escape or drive each other crazy."