Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Ferengi Lecture (Part One)

"I don't see why we should have to go, sir." I say with a protesting air.

"In the interests of intergalactic harmony, Picard." replies Admiral Sawyer with a tired sigh, "The Ferengi may well be a thorn in your side, but we can try to be friendly with them."

"But attending a lecture on how to make a profit is a bit much, sir." I counter, "After all, traditionally, we don't use currency any more, but trade items of value."

"You'll have to use bars of latinum, Picard." Sawyer tells me, "These lectures don't come cheap."
"You mean we have to PAY to go to these lectures!" I say with surprise, "I thought we were only going to be friendly to the Ferengi."

"So we are." the Admiral replies, "But you don't expect a profit-mad race like the Ferengi to be giving them away free, do you?"

"I suppose not." I concede, "I hope we can claim all the money we pay on Expenses."

"Er...no, Picard." Sayer says quietly, now take the senior staff along to the lecture."

--------------

Some time later, we are awaiting the Ferengi to beam aboard.



As he beams on with an entourage and several boxes, I go forward to introduce myself and the staff. He rushes by.

"Yes, I know you're Picard." says the Ferengi, "I'm Damon Tik, now let's get to where I'll be giving the lecture. Valuable profit-making time is being lost while I'm here talking to you."

Tik is quickly taken by Worf to the lecture hall, while the others follow them, struggling with their boxes of materials, which I see are items to sell while entering and leaving the lecture.

---------------

Half an hour later, the crew are outside the entrance, all grumbling that they won't be let in until they have paid their Admission Fee. Tik comes out to see why they are not in yet.

"Time, like latinum, is a highly limited commodity." Tik reminds his underlings, "Dont forget that Rule of Acquisition."

"Get them in, Number One." I say, "I'll try and get Starfleet to reimburse them later."

Soon we are all ready to listen.

"Remember, making money is all you should be thinking of." Tik starts, "Us Ferengi are masters of making a profit out of anything that moves. If you have a family, don't let them stand in the way of opportunity (ROA 6) . It's so important, as greed is eternal (ROA 10)

Suddenly he stops and shouts to one of his underlings.

"Dak! Have you sold all the Entrance Tickets?"

"Nearly, Damon Tik." he replies.

"Only 'nearly'." says a livid Tik, "Remember, enough is never enough." (ROA 97)

We are forced to wait ten minutes until Dak has sold all the tickets, who has grabbed a few unwilling crewmen and forced them to give Dak some latinum.

"This is ridiculous." complains an irritated Riker, "I was forced to give this Ferengi a bar of latinum to see this!"

Riker walks over, and complains to Tik about the situation.

"The First Rule of Acquistion, Commander." Tik declares with a smug smile, "Is 'once you have their money, you never give it back." (ROA 1)

Finally, they are ready to start....again.

"Now then, everybody." Tik says, "As I was saying, opportunity plus instinct equals profit (ROA 9), so keep your ears open (ROA 7). Don't be afraid to deal with those higher in your chain of command, after all, employess are the rungs on the ladder of success. Don't hesitate to step on them" (ROA 211)

"Is moneymaking all you think about, Damon Tik." asks Deanna.

"Yes." replies Tik, "After all a Ferengi without profit, is no Ferengi at all (ROA 18). now we really must break for lunch. One can never begin a negotiation on an empty stomach." (ROA 214).

"This is intolerable." moans Worf, "We have all had to pay latinum to hear this Ferengi quote his Rules of Acquisition and how much he likes profit."

"I understand what you mean, Mr Worf." I reply, "He should guard against the 192nd Rule of
Acquisition....'never cheat a Klingon unless you can get away with it.'"

To be continued...

23 comments:

Vegeta said...

Gah! I hate Ferengi!

Jana said...

...And I'm guessing he won't get away with it!

The Curmudgeon said...

Captain, is it ethical to invent new Rules of Acquisition on the spot like that?

You won't have to ask Worf twice to break up the meeting... but what will Starfleet say?

Oh... one other thing.... You don't use money in the 24th Century and Starfleet says they won't reimburse you... so where did you get the latinum? I really have to learn how to work that replicator....

Florence said...

When Deanna asked Damon Tik that question I thought his answer forgot to mention ROA 223 ;)

xx

Titania Starlight said...

I now know who the Ferengi remind me of..... big American Corporations. Both I dislike. :o)

Vampirella said...

Please tell me there wont be any of these big ear voles at the Xmas party they always like to try and play grab and squeeze games

Batman said...

The Ferengi remind me of some of con artists I've put away.

Lahdeedah said...

The thing is...

Ferengi...

they may just well force the Federation back into a proper economy with profit and all that...

Gordon said...

Captain, if I have to pay for anything else I'm going to find a ROA that involves a ferengi and a the airlock on desk 16, the one that's about to develop an interesting "fault", after all you can say it was an accident - a highly profitable accident (for the other ferengi and you of course), invent a new ROA so you get your money back. Doesn't Mr La Forge have something in engineering that might work..

Lavender said...

Some things never change...a shyster hints they have the answers people seek, people shell out the dough and then - POOF off they go! Id have hoped we'd be past that in the future - but really, I shouldnt be surprised! LOL

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I'm thinking this is about to get very interesting. :)

Amanda said...

The Ferengi have always been my favourites!

Not related to this post...
My mother 'met' a Ferengi in Las Vegas a few years ago and she, not knowing anything about them, touched his ears and said 'Wow...you have big ears'. The Ferengi replied 'Please Madam, we don't know each other that well yet!'

I was rolling on the floor laughing when she asked me what he meant.

Bilbo said...

I'm waiting to see the campaign finance donation records to see who the Ferengi are backing in the 2008 Presidential campaign. Chances are, they'll fund everyone equally so that no matter who wins, they'll profit. And I LOVED Amanda's comment about her mom and the Ferengi in Las Vegas!

susan said...

Rule of Acquisition number 31

War is good for business.

Perhaps war with a Klingon won't be?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Susan, that is true about Rule 31.

Curmudgeon, all the ROAs I've listed are 'official' ones, not made up.

Amanda, love that story of your mother & the Ferengi.

Lavender, that is true.

Vampirella, we don't allow any Ferengi at the Christmas Party.



Gordon, the airlock is a good solution.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I hope they aren't selling Ferengi-Way products, cuz that is just a lame pyrmide scam.

.... but if I could just take a minute of you time to discuss JaWay products ....

Galen said...

Hmm perhaps you could turn the table on him and tell him that it cost 5 bars just to listen to him

Justice said...

can he do my math homework?

Professor Xavier said...

What is with the ears on those things. They make Toad look like Brad Pitt.

Monica said...

Oh I have nightmares about the Ferengi.....

ohffftt

;)

DariDonovan said...

I can hardly wait for the "rest of the story".

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Justice, I wouldn't get a Ferengi to do your homework. It'll cost!

TAK, no salesmen allowed!

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