I'm calling a meeting of the Senior Staff as we've had one of those awful messages from Starfleet. One would think they would just send us where no man has gone before, like Kirk used to do, instead of administering red tape.
"What is this one, Captain?" asks Riker, "Are we going to have to say please before we attack anyone?"
I check the form just in case; fortunately it doesn't say that, but with the weird messages that Starfleet give out, it was wise to check.
In front of the staff, I read the following:
"Certain items in starships will be reclassified. From now on they will be known by their new titles. The items to be changed are:
Planetary Sensor: now known as:
World Occupational Territorial Scout Installation Target
Annual Planetary Sensor: now known as:
Televisual Help Informing New Growth Yearly
"Have you got that right, Captain?" asks Deanna
"What do you mean?" I enquire, as the rest as the staff are giggling away.
"Well, Captain" she replies, "Both would be known by their acronyms. the Planetary Sensor would be a WOTSIT and the Annual Planetary Sensor would be a THINGY,"
I feel slightly embarassed that I didn't spot this before. Do Starfleet always have to make these sort of directives?
"I'm sure they hadn't realised this, Deanna" I tell her, "I'll inform them, and they will be bound to retract them.
Seven looks like she is ready to say something...unfortunately.
"Locutus" she enquires, "What is the relevance of a WOTSIT or a THINGY to the humans? I have heard this term often amongst the humans on the Enterprise. The Borg Queen would be most interested in hearing what they mean before we assimilate you all."
Everybody rolls their eyes; Seven has a distinct way of charming people in a staff meeting. If I suggested she write a book before she assimilated us, I think she would!
We leave the meeting and I get in touch with Admiral Foster, who sent me that directive. He smiles and looks a little embarassed.
"I'm really sorry about that, Captain Picard." he tells me, "You can abandon all those plans we had to change the names, and the one I just sent ten minutes ago."
"What was that one?" I reply.
"The one where Warp Drive was changed to Speed Octane Monitor Extra To High Induction New Guide."
Or SOMETHING like that!