Thursday, April 05, 2007


I'm calling a meeting of the Senior Staff as we've had one of those awful messages from Starfleet. One would think they would just send us where no man has gone before, like Kirk used to do, instead of administering red tape.

"What is this one, Captain?" asks Riker, "Are we going to have to say please before we attack anyone?"

I check the form just in case; fortunately it doesn't say that, but with the weird messages that Starfleet give out, it was wise to check.

In front of the staff, I read the following:

"Certain items in starships will be reclassified. From now on they will be known by their new titles. The items to be changed are:

Planetary Sensor: now known as:

World Occupational Territorial Scout Installation Target

Annual Planetary Sensor: now known as:

Televisual Help Informing New Growth Yearly

"Have you got that right, Captain?" asks Deanna

"What do you mean?" I enquire, as the rest as the staff are giggling away.

"Well, Captain" she replies, "Both would be known by their acronyms. the Planetary Sensor would be a WOTSIT and the Annual Planetary Sensor would be a THINGY,"

I feel slightly embarassed that I didn't spot this before. Do Starfleet always have to make these sort of directives?

"I'm sure they hadn't realised this, Deanna" I tell her, "I'll inform them, and they will be bound to retract them.

Seven looks like she is ready to say something...unfortunately.

"Locutus" she enquires, "What is the relevance of a WOTSIT or a THINGY to the humans? I have heard this term often amongst the humans on the Enterprise. The Borg Queen would be most interested in hearing what they mean before we assimilate you all."

Everybody rolls their eyes; Seven has a distinct way of charming people in a staff meeting. If I suggested she write a book before she assimilated us, I think she would!

We leave the meeting and I get in touch with Admiral Foster, who sent me that directive. He smiles and looks a little embarassed.

"I'm really sorry about that, Captain Picard." he tells me, "You can abandon all those plans we had to change the names, and the one I just sent ten minutes ago."

"What was that one?" I reply.

"The one where Warp Drive was changed to Speed Octane Monitor Extra To High Induction New Guide."

Or SOMETHING like that!


The Curmudgeon said...

May I suggest you tell Seven that the Thingy and the Wotsit are two terrible, horrible, Borg-killing weapons of such unspeakable power that NO ONE is permitted to refer to them by their actual names... and that's why Deanna was so quick to point out how inappropriate the acronyms were.

And tell her, too, when she hears crewmates using these words they are cursewords... shouldn't be too much of a stretch to sell this one... don't we all say 'where the #$@! did I put that %^##@! thingy?'

Jaime H. said...

Ah, good old red tape.

Ellee said...

I love the way Curmudgeon is often the first to comment, he is a real fan, as we all are, he always has good ideas.

Now then captain, will you be allowing the crew to enjoy a few Easter eggs?

TrueJerseyGirl said...

Ha ha ha...very funny!

Anonymous said...

Captain, there must be a randomizer to create the perfect names for these thingies and wotsits...heavens, isn't it just the final frontier to come up with the perfect names? {{Have a great Easter weekend Captain}}

Lahdeedah said...

I've been looking for the thingy wotsit called for some time now.

Maybe Seven should be informed that the majority of the crew are talking about her when they speak of wotsit and thingy.

....but don't tell her I said that.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

So do they come up with these during Fleet Annual Review Time?

squirrel said...

Definetly sounds like something the US Air Force would come up with, they have the craziest acronyms!

Linda said...

Hey, hey, Squirrel! As a former member of the US Air Force, I resemble that remark! Er, resent that remark!

And I must admit, this post made me LAUGH (Loud and Uncontrollable Giggles Happened)!

Titania Starlight said...

My head is spinning. :o)~!

Professor Xavier said...

I'd check the artificial gravity.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Telling Data to switch on the WOTSIT and activate the THINGY could lead to confusion.

Jon, you might be right there!

Curmudgeon, telling Seven what you say would terrify her!

Paul Sveda said...

Well played, made me laugh! I'd like to see more of these acronyms.



dakotablueeyes said...

hi michele sent me

Terri said...

It appears that all's going well on the Starship. Happy flying!
Michele sent me....

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

hey captain! i got it! ha ha ha

happy easter, may you have lots of chocolate eggs in your basket!

smiles, bee

Ellee said...

Wishing you and your crew a very happy Easter.

craziequeen said...

[chuckle] someone in Star Fleet celebrating April Fool??


Michele sent me to say hi, Jean-Luc...

gingajoy said...

Oh Lord. I could seriously waste some time at this site. And I am finding myself *totally* reading these entries in JLP voice....

Question: shouldn't the banner be "Captain's Blog"? (HAHAHAHAH! I crack myself up)

grant said...

Happy Easter J.L.P.
My mate Greek George (yes, yes, his name is Giorgos in Greek) used to live close to the treky chick you've got a photo of in your article. Think she lived in North London.
Probably crap though. Would be interested to hear if that's right from the trek oracle.

Michele sent me.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

LOL...Wotsits and thingies...are they fiendish thingies?

happy easter captain!

Kristi Mantoni said...

That's the government for you!!!

Happy Easter!!

Paperback Writer said...

Oh, those wacky people!

Gyrobo said...

This is just like the time I tried to convince people my name was "Name."

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