Thursday, September 14, 2006

Shuttle Travel

After a boring Captain's Conference at Starbase 12, I'm on my way back to the Enterprise in a shuttle.We rendezvous in Sector 5, where the ship is doing an Astromentic Survey.

It is really, really boring travelling on one's own in a shuttle.

"Computer" I instruct, "Play some music"

"Acknowledged. Would you like classical, blues, swing, jazz, rock, 24th century electrical, Klingon piano recitals, Romulan jive.."

"Just play something at random!"

I get a Klingon rendition of 'Spanish Eyes'.

"Cancel that!" I say quickly.

"Acknowledged. Is there anything else you would like?"

"I wish Beverly was here" I say to myself.

"That is not possible"

"I wasn't talking to you!" I reply, "Give me a list of options from the entertainment databank, computer."

"Acknowledged. Music, games, education, quizzes, audiobooks.."

"Select an audiobook for me to read"

"'Vanessa' by Ruth Everson" states the computer, and it starts to read to me..

"Vanessa saw Lord Fairfax approach her; she was very nervous as she had never been alone with him before. As he approached, she slowly removed her dress, which exposed the beautiful.."

Suddenly the voice stops and a distorted crackle replaces it..

"Computer!" I shout indignantly, "What happened to the audiobook?"

"Malfunction in audiobook directory; all books have been deleted."

Oh, that's great; this shuttle is falling apart.

General knowledge; I'm pretty good at that. I would have won the Enterprise Annual Quiz Tournament if it hadn't have been for Data.

"Computer" I say, "Try the quiz section and give me some questions."

"Acknowledged. Here is your first question. Who was the starship Captain was was kidnapped by the Borg, which resulted in a large-scale loss of life in the Battle of Wolf 359?"

I don't believe this.

"Who cares?" I say angrily.

"That is not the correct answer" says the computer, "The correct one is...."

"We both know what the correct one is, computer" I shout, "Have you got in in for my on this journey?"

"That does not compute."

I give up.

"Computer" I say, "Get the replicator to...."

"All replicators are offline"

"Is there anything that IS online" I ask.

"The main computer is."



I wake up later in the Enterprise SickBay. Beverly is standing next to me.

"All right, Jean-Luc" she says, "Everything is alright; you're fine now."

Riker is with her.

"It took a while to find you, Captain" he tells me, "The shuttle was drifting about in space; when we examined it, the fire emergency axe had been put into the main computer system by some force. You had passed out."

"Have you any idea what happened, Jean-Luc" asks Beverly.

"I don't think I can remember" I reply.

I'm certainly not going to tell them, but I am going to get a copy of 'Vanessa' by Ruth Everson from the Enterprise Library.


Paperback Writer said...

Will you get Dr. Crusher to read it to you?


Ellee said...

At least you can read, something many of our teen boys cannot do, just imagine how much pleasure you would miss out on by not being able to enjoy the printed word, not knowing what happens next to Vanessa....

The Curmudgeon said...

Perhaps you should read it to Dr. Crusher?

And you better come up with a good story about how that axe got out or Starfleet will take the cost of the shuttle repairs out of your paycheck....

Squirrel said...

Sometimes I feel like putting an axe into my computer too!
Going to read Vanessa huh? Naughty Captain!

Erifia Apoc said...

Blame the computers... Destroy them all. Droids are out to rule the world.

Also. I would defrag her and scandisk her... Computers like it when you do that stuff, right?

Helen Louise said...


Computers are evil, aren't they?

Trinity13 said...

I'm sure Data could find a reason behind an axe in the main computer!

Sim said...

I thought I would find it for you captain, but the only books by Ruth Everson in the Terran Plymouth library are her musings on Scientology Purification Rundowns.

Not the same effect as Vanessa methinks

Darth Nepharia said...

Bring Troi in....she can tell them he's withholding the truth.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Good ting you didn't have an aneurism.

Professor Xavier said...

Computers. Can't live with 'em, can't put an axe through their CPU.

Or can you?

Nic said...

Oh, Captain! Do you have a secretly naughty side? Hmmmmm, Bev might like to see that side of you. *AHEM*

chelle said...

hehe that was an adorable story! Computers definitely can be a pain in the butt!

Vampirella said...

awww... you know according to the manual your suppose to kick them once a day or they stop working right LOL

Merlyn Gabriel said...

Oh my, that Vanessa stories sounds an awful lot like Bel's trashy Romances...

flaming hot rods of desire and heaving moonlit mounts of womanly flesh...

let me know if it's any good, will you?


Shelley said...

Playing coy with Beverly yet again I see JLP.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I see that 'Vanessa' is a very popular story with all you out there.

Sim, I had no idea there was a Ruth Everson who wrote abouut that crazy Scientology!

Nic, we all like a book to read, don't we!

Computers are a real pain!

Merlyn, that novel sounds racey as well!

Osquer said...

Captain, may I PLEASE borrow your axe? My blog was down for most of the day for no apparent reason. Expletive Blogger!

Good story, BTW. I have another book to recommend, "Adventures of an Orion co-ed." (Yeah that's right I went to University - of course the subjects were a bit different that those at Terran schools...)

Osquer said...

oops. Typo. I meant "THAN at Terran schools..."

Damnit, Jim, I'm an Orion Slave Girl, not a stenographer!

panthergirl said...

I don't know what's funnier...the story or the comments!!!

Here via michele!

rashbre said...

I wonder if the computer was dreaming of electric sheep whilst it was down. Another scientologist seemed to have something to say about that...

Greetings from my planet.


rashbre said...

Oh and Oops Greetings also from Michele, who sent me this way this time!

Florence said...

I would have won the Enterprise Annual Quiz Tournament if it hadn't have been for Data.


never go up against Data, Never


David said...

you knock my socks off, JLP! and now my feet are cold.
michele is warming them up, though.

Pearl said...

Everyone can relate to that scenario Jean-Luc but only the brave have the audacity, or contact with airborne viral pathogens of mindcontrol, to follow it through the the natural conclusion.

Anonymous said...

豆豆聊天室 aio交友愛情館 2008真情寫真 2009真情寫真 aa片免費看 捷克論壇 微風論壇 大眾論壇 plus論壇 080視訊聊天室 情色視訊交友90739 美女交友-成人聊天室 色情小說 做愛成人圖片區 豆豆色情聊天室 080豆豆聊天室 小辣妹影音交友網 台中情人聊天室 桃園星願聊天室 高雄網友聊天室 新中台灣聊天室 中部網友聊天室 嘉義之光聊天室 基隆海岸聊天室 中壢網友聊天室 南台灣聊天室 南部聊坊聊天室 台南不夜城聊天室 南部網友聊天室 屏東網友聊天室 台南網友聊天室 屏東聊坊聊天室 雲林網友聊天室 大學生BBS聊天室 網路學院聊天室 屏東夜語聊天室 孤男寡女聊天室 一網情深聊天室 心靈饗宴聊天室 流星花園聊天室 食色男女色情聊天室 真愛宣言交友聊天室 情人皇朝聊天室 上班族成人聊天室 上班族f1影音視訊聊天室 哈雷視訊聊天室 080影音視訊聊天室 38不夜城聊天室 援交聊天室080 080哈啦聊天室 台北已婚聊天室 已婚廣場聊天室 夢幻家族聊天室 摸摸扣扣同學會聊天室 520情色聊天室 QQ成人交友聊天室 免費視訊網愛聊天室 愛情公寓免費聊天室 拉子性愛聊天室 柔情網友聊天室 哈啦影音交友網 哈啦影音視訊聊天室 櫻井莉亞三點全露寫真集 123上班族聊天室 尋夢園上班族聊天室 成人聊天室上班族 080上班族聊天室 6k聊天室 粉紅豆豆聊天室 080豆豆聊天網 新豆豆聊天室 080聊天室 免費音樂試聽 流行音樂試聽 免費aa片試看A片 免費a長片線上看 色情貼影片 免費a長片 本土成人貼圖站 大台灣情色網 台灣男人幫論壇 A圖網 嘟嘟成人電影網 火辣春夢貼圖網 情色貼圖俱樂部 台灣成人電影 絲襪美腿樂園 18美女貼圖區 柔情聊天網 707網愛聊天室聯盟 台北69色情貼圖區 38女孩情色網 台灣映像館 波波成人情色網站 美女成人貼圖區 無碼貼圖力量 色妹妹性愛貼圖區 日本女優貼圖網 日本美少女貼圖區 亞洲風暴情色貼圖網 哈啦聊天室 美少女自拍貼圖 辣妹成人情色網 台北女孩情色網 辣手貼圖情色網 AV無碼女優影片 男女情色寫真貼圖 a片天使俱樂部 萍水相逢遊戲區 平水相逢遊戲區 免費視訊交友90739 免費視訊聊天 辣妹視訊 - 影音聊天網 080視訊聊天室 日本美女肛交 美女工廠貼圖區 百分百貼圖區 亞洲成人電影情色網 台灣本土自拍貼圖網 麻辣貼圖情色網 好色客成人圖片貼圖區 711成人AV貼圖區 台灣美女貼圖區 筱萱成人論壇 咪咪情色貼圖區 momokoko同學會視訊 kk272視訊 情色文學小站 成人情色貼圖區 嘟嘟成人網 嘟嘟情人色網 - 貼圖區 免費色情a片下載 台灣情色論壇 成人影片分享 免費視訊聊天區 微風 成人 論壇 kiss文學區 taiwankiss文學區