Thursday, September 14, 2006

Shuttle Travel

After a boring Captain's Conference at Starbase 12, I'm on my way back to the Enterprise in a shuttle.We rendezvous in Sector 5, where the ship is doing an Astromentic Survey.

It is really, really boring travelling on one's own in a shuttle.

"Computer" I instruct, "Play some music"

"Acknowledged. Would you like classical, blues, swing, jazz, rock, 24th century electrical, Klingon piano recitals, Romulan jive.."

"Just play something at random!"

I get a Klingon rendition of 'Spanish Eyes'.

"Cancel that!" I say quickly.

"Acknowledged. Is there anything else you would like?"

"I wish Beverly was here" I say to myself.

"That is not possible"

"I wasn't talking to you!" I reply, "Give me a list of options from the entertainment databank, computer."

"Acknowledged. Music, games, education, quizzes, audiobooks.."

"Select an audiobook for me to read"

"'Vanessa' by Ruth Everson" states the computer, and it starts to read to me..

"Vanessa saw Lord Fairfax approach her; she was very nervous as she had never been alone with him before. As he approached, she slowly removed her dress, which exposed the beautiful.."

Suddenly the voice stops and a distorted crackle replaces it..

"Computer!" I shout indignantly, "What happened to the audiobook?"

"Malfunction in audiobook directory; all books have been deleted."

Oh, that's great; this shuttle is falling apart.

General knowledge; I'm pretty good at that. I would have won the Enterprise Annual Quiz Tournament if it hadn't have been for Data.

"Computer" I say, "Try the quiz section and give me some questions."

"Acknowledged. Here is your first question. Who was the starship Captain was was kidnapped by the Borg, which resulted in a large-scale loss of life in the Battle of Wolf 359?"

I don't believe this.

"Who cares?" I say angrily.

"That is not the correct answer" says the computer, "The correct one is...."

"We both know what the correct one is, computer" I shout, "Have you got in in for my on this journey?"

"That does not compute."

I give up.

"Computer" I say, "Get the replicator to...."

"All replicators are offline"

"Is there anything that IS online" I ask.

"The main computer is."

Aaaggghhhh!

---------------------------

I wake up later in the Enterprise SickBay. Beverly is standing next to me.

"All right, Jean-Luc" she says, "Everything is alright; you're fine now."

Riker is with her.

"It took a while to find you, Captain" he tells me, "The shuttle was drifting about in space; when we examined it, the fire emergency axe had been put into the main computer system by some force. You had passed out."

"Have you any idea what happened, Jean-Luc" asks Beverly.

"I don't think I can remember" I reply.

I'm certainly not going to tell them, but I am going to get a copy of 'Vanessa' by Ruth Everson from the Enterprise Library.

26 comments:

Paperback Writer said...

Will you get Dr. Crusher to read it to you?

;)

Ellee said...

At least you can read, something many of our teen boys cannot do, just imagine how much pleasure you would miss out on by not being able to enjoy the printed word, not knowing what happens next to Vanessa....

The Curmudgeon said...

Perhaps you should read it to Dr. Crusher?

And you better come up with a good story about how that axe got out or Starfleet will take the cost of the shuttle repairs out of your paycheck....

Squirrel said...

Sometimes I feel like putting an axe into my computer too!
Going to read Vanessa huh? Naughty Captain!

Erifia Apoc said...

Blame the computers... Destroy them all. Droids are out to rule the world.

Also. I would defrag her and scandisk her... Computers like it when you do that stuff, right?

Helen Louise said...

*giggle*

Computers are evil, aren't they?

Trinity13 said...

I'm sure Data could find a reason behind an axe in the main computer!

Sim said...

I thought I would find it for you captain, but the only books by Ruth Everson in the Terran Plymouth library are her musings on Scientology Purification Rundowns.

Not the same effect as Vanessa methinks

Darth Nepharia said...

Bring Troi in....she can tell them he's withholding the truth.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Good ting you didn't have an aneurism.

Professor Xavier said...

Computers. Can't live with 'em, can't put an axe through their CPU.

Or can you?

Nic said...

Oh, Captain! Do you have a secretly naughty side? Hmmmmm, Bev might like to see that side of you. *AHEM*

chelle said...

hehe that was an adorable story! Computers definitely can be a pain in the butt!

Vampirella said...

awww... you know according to the manual your suppose to kick them once a day or they stop working right LOL

Merlyn Gabriel said...

Oh my, that Vanessa stories sounds an awful lot like Bel's trashy Romances...

flaming hot rods of desire and heaving moonlit mounts of womanly flesh...

let me know if it's any good, will you?

-merly

Shelley said...

Playing coy with Beverly yet again I see JLP.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I see that 'Vanessa' is a very popular story with all you out there.

Sim, I had no idea there was a Ruth Everson who wrote abouut that crazy Scientology!

Nic, we all like a book to read, don't we!

Computers are a real pain!

Merlyn, that novel sounds racey as well!

Osquer said...

Captain, may I PLEASE borrow your axe? My blog was down for most of the day for no apparent reason. Expletive Blogger!

Good story, BTW. I have another book to recommend, "Adventures of an Orion co-ed." (Yeah that's right I went to University - of course the subjects were a bit different that those at Terran schools...)

Osquer said...

oops. Typo. I meant "THAN at Terran schools..."

Damnit, Jim, I'm an Orion Slave Girl, not a stenographer!

panthergirl said...

I don't know what's funnier...the story or the comments!!!

Here via michele!

rashbre said...

I wonder if the computer was dreaming of electric sheep whilst it was down. Another scientologist seemed to have something to say about that...

Greetings from my planet.

rashbre

rashbre said...

Oh and Oops Greetings also from Michele, who sent me this way this time!

Florence said...

I would have won the Enterprise Annual Quiz Tournament if it hadn't have been for Data.

ROTFL

never go up against Data, Never

xx

David said...

you knock my socks off, JLP! and now my feet are cold.
michele is warming them up, though.

Pearl said...

Everyone can relate to that scenario Jean-Luc but only the brave have the audacity, or contact with airborne viral pathogens of mindcontrol, to follow it through the the natural conclusion.

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