Tuesday, September 19, 2006
A Letter To Locutus
Dear Locutus Of Borg,
Or do you prefer 'Captain Picard' now? I suppose you do, although you'll always be 'Locutus' to us here in the Borg.
I digress; please forgive me sending you this letter, as I know you probably have a low opinion us, especially since we kidnapped you some time ago and attempted to invade and assimilate Earth.
Anyway, let's forgive and forget for the moment; we'll attack at some later stage.
The reason why I sent this message was that I noticed something in the latest report that was sent to me from Seven Of Nine, my representative on the Enterprise.
In it, she stated that how opposed you were to the Borg looking after the proceedings at the Enterprise Christmas Party later this year. Seven seemed to think that we could provide an ideal musical group and do a fine catering for all.
I have to agree with her on both points, and also suggest that Security would be another strong point.
Let's just run through how we can be superior to any other choice, although it stands to reason, as the Borg are supreme in everything.
1: Musical Entertainment: The band we have, named 'The Strolling Drones' are much sought after by all Cubes. The lead singer, One Of Four, was Mick Jagged, before he was a drone, was starting to look a little old, but has since been revitalised now he been with us. His singing of 'I Can't Get No Assimilation', 'I Wanna Be Your Drone' and 'Get Off My Cube' has to be seen to be believed. You'll be lucky to have them, Locutus.
2: Catering: The Borg has assmilated the finest chefs in the galaxy, so naturally, and food you desire will be cooked to perfection. No tempremental egotistical chefs here. Just tell them what you want, and they will cook it. A word of warning, though, they do tend to assimilate people who show displeasure at their cooking.
3: Security: Forget about that Klingon looking after things; I'm sure Worf would be more interested in sampling the bloodwine than maintaining security. The Borg method of looking after things in this dapartment are more simple and direct. We usually ask gatecrashers or undesirable elements within the party if they would care to be either (A) assimilated or (B) put in an airlock and ejected. I assure you, it is very effective.
So there you have it, Locutus; the Borg can produce a great time whenever needed.
Now I know what's on your mind. "What's the catch?" Well, really, there isn't, we just want to let everyone know that they can have a fun time with the Borg, and that we're not the ogres we are portrayed as. Frankly, I think we've just had a bad press and the media dislike us.
I'll leave you to think about the offer, Locutus; while you do, please also remember that we'll come and assimilate everyone on Earth if you turn us down. The media will have a change in attitude then, as we'll be running it.
I'll bid you goodbye for now.
The Borg Queen