Tuesday, September 19, 2006

A Letter To Locutus



Dear Locutus Of Borg,

Or do you prefer 'Captain Picard' now? I suppose you do, although you'll always be 'Locutus' to us here in the Borg.

I digress; please forgive me sending you this letter, as I know you probably have a low opinion us, especially since we kidnapped you some time ago and attempted to invade and assimilate Earth.

Anyway, let's forgive and forget for the moment; we'll attack at some later stage.

The reason why I sent this message was that I noticed something in the latest report that was sent to me from Seven Of Nine, my representative on the Enterprise.

In it, she stated that how opposed you were to the Borg looking after the proceedings at the Enterprise Christmas Party later this year. Seven seemed to think that we could provide an ideal musical group and do a fine catering for all.

I have to agree with her on both points, and also suggest that Security would be another strong point.

Let's just run through how we can be superior to any other choice, although it stands to reason, as the Borg are supreme in everything.

1: Musical Entertainment: The band we have, named 'The Strolling Drones' are much sought after by all Cubes. The lead singer, One Of Four, was Mick Jagged, before he was a drone, was starting to look a little old, but has since been revitalised now he been with us. His singing of 'I Can't Get No Assimilation', 'I Wanna Be Your Drone' and 'Get Off My Cube' has to be seen to be believed. You'll be lucky to have them, Locutus.

2: Catering: The Borg has assmilated the finest chefs in the galaxy, so naturally, and food you desire will be cooked to perfection. No tempremental egotistical chefs here. Just tell them what you want, and they will cook it. A word of warning, though, they do tend to assimilate people who show displeasure at their cooking.

3: Security: Forget about that Klingon looking after things; I'm sure Worf would be more interested in sampling the bloodwine than maintaining security. The Borg method of looking after things in this dapartment are more simple and direct. We usually ask gatecrashers or undesirable elements within the party if they would care to be either (A) assimilated or (B) put in an airlock and ejected. I assure you, it is very effective.

So there you have it, Locutus; the Borg can produce a great time whenever needed.

Now I know what's on your mind. "What's the catch?" Well, really, there isn't, we just want to let everyone know that they can have a fun time with the Borg, and that we're not the ogres we are portrayed as. Frankly, I think we've just had a bad press and the media dislike us.

I'll leave you to think about the offer, Locutus; while you do, please also remember that we'll come and assimilate everyone on Earth if you turn us down. The media will have a change in attitude then, as we'll be running it.

I'll bid you goodbye for now.

Best Wishes,

The Borg Queen

26 comments:

Vegeta said...

Just try to assimilate me robo freak, and I'll lay waste to all your Borg Cubes.

Paperback Writer said...

Oh, my...

The Curmudgeon said...

I'll leave you to think about the offer, Locutus; while you do, please also remember that we'll come and assimilate everyone on Earth if you turn us down. The media will have a change in attitude then, as we'll be running it.

I want the Queen to negotiate new business for me. Could you put me in touch?

Wedge Antillies said...

Does that include an open bar?

Jim McKee said...

It's wonderful to have choices.

;-]

Jaime H. said...

Arrrr, ye bilge-sucking blaggards! Just try and assimilate me ship and me hearties!!

(It's official Talk Like a Pirate Day)

Viamarie said...

Hope you have a nice day!

Professor Xavier said...

That lady has some attachment issues.

Jana said...

I don't know, that sounds like a pretty good offer to me.

Darth Nepharia said...

While I do admire her negotiation tactics, I think that a galaxy cross-over between your world, my world, and Xavier's could possibly keep them at bay.

Dark side I may be, but I do still appreciate the ability of free will. I mean, I wouldn't be what I am today without free will and the ability to make my own choices :D

Lahdeedah said...

Okay,

all I have to say is, maybe, just for the Christmas party, we could put all differences and assimiliation issues aside.

I mean the Strolling Drones? Come on.

My only concern is, what if they recently assimilated some Romulans? Isn't deceit their game? Couldn't this be a subterfuge on their part to get to the Enterprise, and assimilate the crew?

However, if they have ever assimilated Martha Stewart and that Barefoot Contessa chick, you're just GOING to have to take the chance... could you imagine the spread?

Merlyn Gabriel said...

Well, she certainly makes her case... I am curious about the costs... maybe a bit too high for the federation's tastes?

Bill said...

You know, Captain, I've heard of the Strolling Drones. Don't they also sing "Ruby Cube's Day" in their set? It would keep Riker from playing his trombone if there was a good old fashioned rock band for the party.

Trinity13 said...

Sounds like you have no other choice Capt! Good luck!!!

Osquer said...

Lahdeedah has a good point. I wonder if they've assimilated Paula Dean.

Erifia Apoc said...

I say let them come. What could they possibly harm Besides. This Borg Queen seems like a pretty cool chick.

Squirrel said...

The Strolling Drones sound awesome! But the Borg Queen has some serious control issues.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It sounds like a lot of you want a ticket to see The Strolling Drones play.

The Borg Queen does find it hard to take 'no' for an answer.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I say let them play!

Sim said...

Hmmm - I'd get Data to read through the contract and small print throughly before signing. For some reason Captain, I don't think the Borg Queen has quite gotten over you clad in black

moon said...

That was halarious lol
Here via Michele's today.

Florence said...

she has a clipped, but persuasive style. But will they being wearing festive attire? else they could be a real mood killer.

Lady Wyntir said...

i'm sure they can get those lights on their headpieces to flash red and green... that would be festive enough, right? ^_~

you really can't argue with her Captain... she makes many valid points...

and please, for us here on earth... help...!

~wyn ^_^

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