Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Battle Stations

Things are kind of busy at the moment.

Shields are down, the warp engines are offline and we are about to be boarded by an unknown enemy that refuses to answer our hails.

It could be said that it is not our day today, and another one where the Enterprise Christmas Party is skating on thin ice.

It's too late to cancel the order for Bajoran Brandies. Those had to be booked at the beginning of August.

Some ladies have already asked me to dance with them at the party. It looks like they may be disappointed.

I'm getting distracted.

"They are about to beam in." says Riker.

"We cannot let that happen!" demands Worf, who reaches for his phaser.

"Options, everybody." I say.

It's always a good thing to say when I haven't got a clue what to do myself.

After a few useless suggestions from the others, Data comes up with a plan.

"Could it be done?" I ask.

"It will require spilt second re-modulation of the transport alignment matrix buffer."

I pretend I understand what he is talking about and tell him to go ahead.

--------------------

The aliens land on the Bridge; they are a mysterious aggressive race.

"We are the Vargh. We are taking command of your ship. You will all we executed." one of them growls.

The crew look at each other and ask the Vargh leader to look at the screen.

The Self Destruct is counting down slowly ".....seven....six...five.."

The leader shouts to the others in panic, "Leave the ship immediately, it is about to explode!"

They beam out and hurriedly leave at high warp.

The holodeck returns to normal.

-------------------------------

"Well done, Mr Data." I say, transporting them from to the holodeck before they materialised was an excellent idea. They actually thought the ship was going to blow up."

How is it I think of all these good ideas?

23 comments:

Superhero Bob said...

Looks like the party's back on! Sweet!

Actually, from what I've seen, this is actually a pretty normal day for the Enterprise!!

Nic said...

Well done indeed dear Captain! A very quick way to think on your feet. ;)

Trinity13 said...

You're brilliant Cap't!!! Way to go!

nobody said...

Wow Captain, I only wish I was as genius as you. Don't you love holodecks?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

A good captian gives creidt where credit is due.

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

not have time to dance, hmmmm, i don't like this.

dddragon said...

Great leaders surround themselves with intelligent and dedicated staff. Good job, Captain!

Shelley said...

Well, the rest of the crew might not be too swift, but at least there's Data. Saving the day again! Imagine! Rumour has it he's all man and then some. All the best intergalactic gossip magazines are buzzing with the tidbit that he's anatomically correct....Oh! Did someone say there will be Bajoran Brandies at the party? Wahhoo!

cube said...

Did you say Bajoran Brandies? They aren't known for the quality of their ethanol, you know. The Romulans on the other hand...

puremood said...

Just one dance?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Ciera, yes, the party is on.

Holodecks are very useful; they can be trouble as well.

Better Safe, don't worry, there's plenty of dancing time.

Shelley, err, I can see Data will have a good time if you're at the party.

PureMood, you have it. What song will it be?

J Anderson said...

Well done; what would you have done before holodecks though?

Tom said...

MIDAS Array
Secondary Proxy Transponder

Receiving message from 291.222.111 (Starfleet Vessel, Delta Quadrant)
Transferring to 100.293.147''
(USS Enterprise)

From: TomParis@blueriver.wanadoo.co.fr
To: k-k-katie@coffeelovers.fsnet.com;
BLT@maquis.org; the_story_of_the_chicken_who_ate_too_much_cheese@maquis.org; hedgehog@talaxserve.co.tl; JeanLucPicard@starfleet.mil

FWD: T41s iz kewl!!!!!

Dear oh my very best lovely sIr,

In the Grace of GOD you will respond, I know you are a man of decency. I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call Starfleet!" But he was afraid to use his communicator because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2400 rolls around with the Y2.4k bug. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the £250.00 biscuit recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates, er, Ed Begley Jr. (It's true, I read it all last week in a mass email from ED HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free vacation on Risa and £5,000 if I would forward the email to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call Starfleet from a local coffee shop run by Mario from Donkey Kong to report his missing kidneys, but he got jabbed with an infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of The Phage." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital, the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the Federation Association of Do-Gooders has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives.

I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of x' and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but to only 10 people you will only have OK luck, and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to a hospital on Vulcan (which is like, totally due for a thing), but on the way he noticed another shuttle driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all your friends and you will receive 4 green M&Ms; but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck, and the UFP government will put a tax on your emails forever.

Yours Sincerely,

Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris,
USS Voyager

(knuckles_36 AT hotmail.com)

Tom said...

MIDAS Array
Secondary Proxy Transponder

Receiving message from 291.222.111 (Starfleet Vessel, Delta Quadrant)
Transferring to 100.293.147''
(USS Enterprise)

From: TomParis@blueriver.wanadoo.co.fr
To: k-k-katie@coffeelovers.fsnet.com;
BLT@maquis.org; the_story_of_the_chicken_who_ate_too_much_cheese@maquis.org; hedgehog@talaxserve.co.tl; JeanLucPicard@starfleet.mil

FWD: T41s iz kewl!!!!!

Dear oh my very best lovely sIr,

In the Grace of GOD you will respond, I know you are a man of decency. I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEYS HAD BEEN STOLEN and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call Starfleet!" But he was afraid to use his communicator because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2400 rolls around with the Y2.4k bug. And it's a little known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the £250.00 biscuit recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates, er, Ed Begley Jr. (It's true, I read it all last week in a mass email from ED HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free vacation on Risa and £5,000 if I would forward the email to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call Starfleet from a local coffee shop run by Mario from Donkey Kong to report his missing kidneys, but he got jabbed with an infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of The Phage." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital, the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an email and the Federation Association of Do-Gooders has agreed to pay him a nickel for every email he receives.

I sent him two emails and one of them was a bunch of x' and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than 10 people, you will have good luck but to only 10 people you will only have OK luck, and if you send it to less than 10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR SEVEN YEARS). So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to a hospital on Vulcan (which is like, totally due for a thing), but on the way he noticed another shuttle driving along without its lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Send THIS to all your friends and you will receive 4 green M&Ms; but if you don't, the owner of Proctor and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more bad luck, and the UFP government will put a tax on your emails forever.

Yours Sincerely,

Lieutenant Thomas Eugene Paris,
USS Voyager

(knuckles_36 AT hotmail.com)

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