Thursday, August 18, 2005

Academy Report Card

Beverly has been boasting to everyone how well Wesley is doing at the Academy.

She's just had the Report Card from the lecturers there, and they are all glowing.

However, I remember when I last visited there, Boothby the gardener, who has been there longer than anyone can recall, tells a different story.

"Ignore what you read on the card, sonny." he said, "There is a hidden message behind what they say."

To help, here is what the comments in a Starfleet Academy (or any educational institution) really mean:

1: Satisfactory progress: I can't think of a single interesting thing to say about this person.

2: Easygoing: Bone idle.

3: Lively: Thoroughly disruptive.

4: Good progress: If you think his/her work was bad now, you should have seen it a year ago.

5: Sensitive: Never stops whining.

6: Helpful: A creep.

7: Reliable: Will always grass on their friends.

8: Adventurous: Will probably break their neck soon.

9: Has difficulty forming relationships: I can't stand him/her either.

10: Expresses themselves: Insolent.

11: Enjoys physical activites: A thug.

12: Popular: Sells obscene pictures.

13: Friendly: Never stops talking.

14: Easily distracted: Hasn't produced a single piece of good work all year.

15: Works better in groups: Daren't take my eye off him/her for a second.

16: Imaginative: Lies and cheats regularly.

17: Needs praise and encouragement: Thick as a plank.

18: Expresses themselves clearly: Foul mouthed.

19: Keen to do well: Has a big ego.

20: Does not accept authority easily: Father is in prison.

21: Is upset easily: Was spoilt rotten.

22: Often appears tired: Stays up all night watching horror or porn films.

23: Works better at practical activities: Illiterate.

24: Good with his hands: A pickpocket.

25: Independantly minded: Totally obstinate.

26: Enjoys extracurricular activities: Sells cigarettes and drugs.

27: Determined: Totally lacking all scruples.

28: Inclined to daydream: Anything said goes in one ear and out the other.

29: Reads well aloud: In love with his/her own voice.

30: Quiet: Lacking any individuality whatsoever.

31: Easily influenced: The Academy fall-guy.

32: A born leader: Runs a protection racket.

33: A vivid imagination: Never short of an excuse.

34: Does not give glasses his/her full attention: Smokes cigarettes or drugs in the toilet.

35: Often need's guidance: Never out of the Academy Principal's office.

36: Chooses his friends carefully: Mixes with revolutionaries.

37: Mixes well with students: Caught in bed with Academy student.

38: Interacts well with teachers: Caught in bed with their lecturer.


Nic said...

My dear Captain Picard, I think that is pretty much the same in most schools here on earth too. But since you hold Bev in such "high esteem" I would hold off on breaking the sad, sad news to her that her son is a boring, creepy, tattling, unscrupulous, backbone-free jabberjaw who won't shut up. I din't think you would earn any points in your favor with that one. Best to keep it "our" little secret.

Superhero Bob said...

No doubt Bev already knows what a creep her son is and that's why she has to constantly praise him up to others...kind of a over -compensating type thing.

TrueJerseyGirl said...

Good thing my mom never knew what "mixes well with students" and "interacts well with teachers" really meant ;)

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i'd say that gardener has a gift, and not just a green thumb

J Anderson said...

Stuff Wes!

Free to Be said...

Awww come on Captain, just say what you really think! heh heh

Stationery Queen said...

A handy guide, a nice cheat sheet, the cliff notes for life. Thank you, Captain. Thank you.

mrsmogul said...

Number 28 was me, when I was a little tot on Planet RATAMALA!

Shelley said... I know what was wrong with me all those years ago! But really, truly, that wasn't me in bed with the teacher. Or was it??? HMMM??? Too funny, why don't people just say what they mean, eh? That's what we've got you for I guess!!!

nobody said...

Wes is a little know it all stuck up prissy boy... yes?? Aww, c'mon now Captain, you know it!

The Fool said...

Arrggghh! And here I thought you'd got rid of that little Wesley twerp. What happened? A parallel universe cropped up and everybody went back to Season Two? Jeepers. Where's Armas when we need him?

puremood said...

good thing i haven't been helpful LOL

nobody said...

Ahhkk! Shoot teh spammers with your phaser, Captain!

Trinity13 said...

So, what did it say on Wesley's?

The Mistress of the Dark said...

Get someone to beam the spammers up to a new galaxy.

Hello, Michele sent me :)

Jamie said...

Wow, I was gonna comment on the hilarity of this post, but the spam is a bit overwhelming! Sorry!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I set my phaser at 'maximum' and zapped the spammers.

Why do they seem to have it in for me?

We'll keep this report card away from Beverly!

If any of you have children, you can refer to this guide from now on.

Carmi said...

At least he's go his priorities in line!

Back from Michele's. You always manage to make me laugh.

As far as spammers go, I wish them a speedy descent into purgatory. I wish I knew how to keep them away from all of our blogs. What a nuisance.

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