Thursday, August 07, 2008

Safety Check

"What's this?" I say.

"It's a directive from Starfleet." Riker answers, "It says you have to do a spot check on all crewmembers to see whether their workstation is operating within health and safety paremeters."

"What tosh!" I comment, "Throw it in the cyber wastebin."



"I can't do that, Captain." he answers, "When the directive came through, I had to answer that it had been received. I did that."

I sigh. Starfleet think of everything to ensure their pointless directives go through. They would have me doing this check even if we were being invaded by beings from another dimension.

"What do I have to do, Number One?"

"You have to go to each workstation." he answers, "Look to see if it is clear of personal effects, then look underneath each station to check if there are not any loose wires hanging down that might be a hazard to both the crewmember and the ship."

"There are over 1000 crewmembers here!" I protest, "What do you think my back is going to be like after that? I'll have to delegate it to Data, who won't feel the effects."

"Sorry, Captain." Riker answers, "The Directive specifically insists that the Captain of each Starship must carry out the check."

I start off by checking the first few crewmembers. Nothing of any significance yet, but even now, my back is starting to feel the strain.

I come to Ensign Britney's workstation. When I look underneath, all the wires are stuck together with chewing gum.

"What's the meaning of this, Ensign?" I ask.



"Yeah, well, Captain." Ensign Britney answers, "I've been given a real tatty workstation, and the computers keep going on the blink. The only way to keeo them going is to stick them together with my chewing gum."

"This is disgraceful." I answer, "I'll see this gets repaired right away."

"Captain." Britney asks, "Can you make sure I get the chewing gum back, please?"

I move on to inspect some more workstations. With a third of the ship done, my back is excrutiatingly painful.

I come to Jadzia Dax's station.

"What's this?" I ask, looking at a 3D photo.



"It's a picture of Worfie....I mean Lieutenant Worf ." she answers, "He's such a cute honey."

I cough.

"We can't allow personal effects on workstations, Lieutenant." I say, "You'll have to take it back to your quarters."

I hate being stern like that. I hope they don't find my picture of Bev hidden in my Command Chair.

As the inspection starts to come to an end, I am virtually bent over with the pain my back has given.

"Have you anywhere else left to inspect, Captain." asks Riker.

"Just one place, Number One." I reply, "That's the SickBay. It's an ideal place to end, as I'll need a lot of treatment when I finish!"

13 comments:

Merlyn Gabriel said...

eeewwww Britney wants her gum back...I think you should provide her with NEW gum to chew.

and then let Bev massage your back :P

zyriana said...

Oh my goodness, *Worfie*?! LOL Poor back!

They make the captain do too much crud... ;)

The Curmudgeon said...

Yes, very important that a ship armed to the teeth with phasers and proton torpedoes be entirely safe. Someone might be hurt! In fact... you should disconnect all those dangerous weapons right away.

Signed,

A Romulan Spy

Linda said...

I can so relate to the back pain, Captain! Seems I spend a lot of my time bent over and in pain!

Titania Starlight said...

Maybe Beverly can give you a nice massage later. :o)

Epiphany said...

Ah, Britney and her gum. Another American embarrassment. :)

Lahdeedah said...

p.s. don't forget to check the halls for stray toys, the rec areas for broken bottles and the pretend-garden and holographs so people can walk in the pretend-outsides in bare feet.

There's so much more danger than ergonomically unsafe workstations!


and um, Worfie?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Zyriana, Lahdeedah, you should know that 'Worfie' is Jadzia's pet name for Worf.

Merlyn, Titania, that back massage from Bev is what I was hoping for bt leaving the SickBay until last.

Michael Manning said...

That reconstituted chewing Gum is a hard concept for me to fathom! But then, you are a better man that I for allowing this bald Ensign aboard at all! :D)

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