Picard On Trial (Part Four)

I hope Riker, Data and Deanna are going to produce a strong Defence, otherwise this will soon be 'Prisoner Picard's Journal'.

I'm on trial for the crimes I committed with Lefty, Fats & Toots while under the influence of Professor Kalam's Mmind Altering Device. The Chief Prosecutor Clarcia Mark is making things look bad for me. Even the Judge, Ephriam Hardcastle doesn't like me.

-----------

Riker opens for the defence.

"I call Doctor Beverly Crusher."

Bev stands up and goes to the witness chair.



Beverly tells the story of what happened, and how she infiltrated my gang, and how I was affected by the Mind Altering Device.

"Tosh!" snorts Judge Hardcastle, "Machines cannot affect the mind like that."

Clarcia gets up to cross question.

"Is it not true, Doctor Crusher." she starts, "That you are in a romantic liaison with the defendant?" She emphasises the two words.

"Well, we have been on several dates." Bev replies.

"Therefore you would say anything to get Captain Picard...your lover off?" Clarcia suggests.

This leaves Bev red faced and in a flurry. She is quickly excused.

"Doesn't look good for you, Picard?" Hardcastle says quietly.

I see Data, Deanna and Riker talking quickly amongst themselves. They know they've got to come up with something. Eventually. they all agree.

The Judge gets impatient and asks if they are going to call anyone else.

"Yes." says Riker, "We call Professor Kalam."



The Professor enters, along with his Mind Altering Device.



"You invented the Mind Altering Device?" Riker asks him.

"Err..yes, Commander." Kalam replies in his usual bumbling style, "When I tried it on Captain Picard, it turned him into a criminal."

"So you are saying it is this Device which is to blame for the robberies, not the Captain?" Riker suggests.

"Oh yes." Kalam answers, "I was unaware that the Device would be able to alter normal people. I thought it would just work on criminals."

Both Clarcia and Judge Hardcastle snort sounds of derision.

"Are you expecting us to believe that this device can alter people?" Clarcia sneers at him, "I refuse to believe it, "This is just a pathetic attempt by the Defence to explain the robberies."



"I'm tending to think the same." comments Hardcastle, "I'm thinking of sentencing the defendant now, Clarcia, so we can go on our date...I mean so we finish today."

In desperation, Deanna stands up.

"If you think you are so certain." she says, looking at the Judge and Clarcia, "Why don't you try it now...both of you?"

They look a little worried, but they hook up to the machine and Kalam turns it on, just like he did when I tried it.

Clarcia and the Judge look dazed and confused. Slowly, they look at each other, and smile with realisation, and run to the door.

"You're right, Prof!" exclaims Hardcastle, "That's a doozy of a device. It DOES turn people into criminals. Picard, you're free to go."

"Yeah, Ephriam." adds Clarcia, "Ain't this great? Can I be your moll?"

"You always were, Clarcia, honey." replies Hardcastle, "Let's get out of this joint and rob a few places."

"You're on, baby." Clarcia answers softly, "I'll have to get some new threads as well. These are far too dowdy for the moll of a gangster."

With that, they are gone.

"Oh dear." says Kalam, "I seem to have done it again."

"Worf's security team will catch them before they leave the building." Riker tells him, "You can change them back then. They will have to let you off, Captain as it happened to them as well. Both the Judge and Clarcia know why you did the robberies."

"Well done, everybody." I tell them, "I can get back to the important business of Captaining the Enterprise."

"....and planning the Christmas party." adds Bev, with a kiss."

TWQ: Disappointing Books

This week in Shelfari (the online book group, where lists of books and groups can be formed), I asked about disappointing books. I ask the same here in TWQ (The Weekend Question).

What books did you have really high hopes for, but turned out to be awful? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Two come to mind for me:

'The Time Traveller's Wife' by Audrey Niffenegger

'Blowfly' by Patricia Cornwall

I had heard so many good things about 'The Time Traveller's Wife' I wanted to read it. The plot sounded so interesting and unusual. however, right from the start, I couldn't warm to the characters. They were unlikeable, and didn't care what happened to them. I abandoned it about halfway through. It was a shame, as I had a signed limited edition book. I may be in a minority with this book, as I know so many love it.

I had read all of the Kay Scarpetta novels by Cornwell before Blowfly, so was expecting more good quality. However this was different. Everything had been changed from Fist to Third person, the plot was absurd and far-fetched, one of the characters (Lucy) was behaving in a ridiculous manner, another character was brought back from the dead after being killed off several books earlier. The ending was dreadful. I actually read all of it as I couldn't believe it was so bad. It goes down as the worst book I've ever read.

Now it's over to you...

Picard On Trial (Part Three)

I'm still on trial here, with Riker, Data & Deanna handling my defence.

I have been accused of robberies throughout the Quadrant with a criminal gang. While it may be technically true, I was under them influence of a Mind Altering Device that changed me.

Things are stacked against me here. The Judge, Ephriam Hardcastle, dislikes me intensely, and the Chief Prosecutor, Clarcia Mark, has yet to lose a case. I face being stripped of the Captaincy of the Enterprise, and being sent to a penal colony.

-------------

Clarcia Mark steps forward.



"The Prosecution calls it's star witness." she begins, "Tallulah Tortello, known in the criminal fraternity as 'Toots'"

I groan. Not her,

"Hi Johnny!" I hear from across the courtroom, "It's me, Toots!"

She appears in a micro-mini convict's outfit.



"The witness will refrain from calling out to the defendant." Hardcastle says to her.

"Sure, Judge." replies Toots, "Hey, ain't you Ephriam? I remember seeing you at The Blue Flamingo, when I was stripp...I mean doing exotic dancing."

"The witness is mistaken." says Hardcastle sharply, "I would not frequent such lurid establishments."

"If you say so." comments Toots, with a wink.

"Now then, Miss Tortello" starts Clarcia, "Tell the court how you were recruited into the defendant's gang."

"Okay." starts Toots, "It was like this, you see. I was doing my act in The Blue Flamingo, like, then Johnny shows up. I hadn't seen him around before, but he looked kinda cute, if you know what I mean?"

"What did he say to you, Miss Tortello?"

"He says, 'Hey baby, I'm Johnny Picard, and I need a good looking babe in my organisation. Do you want to join us?' I thought and said ''Sure, why not?''"

"Then what happened?"

"We go and see the rest of his gang." says Toots, "That's Fats & Lefty. Johnny says that I can be the glamour in distracting the saps, then he and they boys can move in and take the dough. I get to be his moll as well. All was going well until SHE shows up."

Toots is pointing at Bev, who is glaring at Toots with the kind of look that a Klingon would give at a big party when they find that that comedian they have booked has turned out to be a Romulan.

"You are referring to Dr Beverly Crusher, who was sent there undercover to capture the gang? asks Clarcia.

"Yeah." confirms Toots, "That redhead was a stooolpigeon. I never liked her. As soon as she arrived, Johnny dumps me and makes her his moll."

"You and she had a fight?"


"Yeah." answers Toots, "But she plays dirt, like, and manages to beat me. As a result, the gang goes off and gets arrested. Johnny manages to convince them he is alright though."

"Thank you, Miss Tortello." says Clarcia, and indicates to Riker that she is his witness. He gets up.

"Now then Miss Tortello..."

"Hey, I like a man with a beard." she answers, "They are always so masculine."

Deanna looks like she is going to blow a fuse in a moment. Neither she nor Bev are fond of Toots right now.

"Miss Tortello, please...if I may."

"Anytime, sugar." she answers sweetly.

This leaves Riker a little out of sorts. Deanna gets up, steps forward in a kind of 'leave this to me.' stride.

"Miss Tortello.." she starts, "Is it true that you are being let off your criminal actions for giving testimony?"

"Well... yeah" she answers, as if her hand has been caught in the cookie jar.

"Are you not just angry at the defendant for dumping you in favour of Beverly Crusher."

"Well, sure I was angry, but that's not Johnny's fault, it was the Crusher woman."

"The man you know as 'Johnny Picard.' asks Deanna, "Though he has been identified in this room, does he act like the man you knew."

"Nah, " she answers. "He sounds like a completely different person."

Deanna has a satisfied smile, and excuses Toots, who winks at me, and then Judge Hardcastle.

"That concludes the case for the Prosecution." states Clarcia.

Riker will start with the Defence next.

To be continued...

Picard On Trial (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Data

The day of the trial has arrived.

I am in the courtroom as part of Captain Picard's defence team, along with Commander Riker and Counselor Troi. The Captain is being accused of crimes he committed while under the effect of the Mind Altering Device recently.

"We have a tough battle." says the Captain, "The Chief Prosecutor is Clarcia Mark. She is always very effective, and has never lost a case yet. The Judge is Ephriam Hardcastle, who dislikes me intensely."

"Could we not get a judge who looked on you more favourably?" asks Commander Riker.

"He WAS the most lenient, Number One." the Captain answers glumly, "It seems none of the judges like me."

There is a hubbub around the court and the judge enters.



"Starfleet versus Picard!" a court official announces, "Please all rise for Judge Hardcastle."

The Judge looks around, and his face fall on the Captain. Hardcastle sneers.

"You're that person who got assimilated and caused a mass battle to take place at Wolf 359."

"Err...yes." replies the Captain.

"....never liked him. The Borg probably still control the man." the judge says dismissively.

Clarcia rises.



"Your Honour." she starts, "I intend to prove that the defendant, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the USS Enterprise, did wilfully commit a series of robberies around the Quadrant with a criminal gang that only ended when he was detained while trying to steal the Disana Jewels."

"That shouldn't be too difficult." comments the Judge.

"We're sunk!" says Commander Riker. Counselor Troi tries to console him.

"Don't be too pessimistic, Will." she says with a smile, "I'm sure we'll be able to get the Captain off."

"The first witness is a Mr Leonard Wright." states Clarcia, "He has the criminal nickname of Lefty."



He comes in a striped prison outfit and chains.

"Now then, Mr Wright." starts Clarcia.

"Just call me Lefty, honey." he replies.

"Very well, err..Lefty. Tell me what happened when the defendant recruited you."

"Yeah, well, it's like I said." Lefty answers, "There I was, minding my own business in the pool room, when Johnny comes in."

"You mean Jean-Luc Picard, the defendant?" asks Clarcia.

"Yeah, that's right." he continues, "Anyway, he asks me if I want to earn some easy money and join a gang he was forming. He'd already recruited Fats, and he had tommy gun phasers, a getaway shuttlecraft. It looked a cinch."

"Did you think the defendant looked and acted like a criminal?" asks Clarcia.

"Objection!" shouts Commander Riker, almost knocking me over in his suddenness. I am clearly not used to court procedure.

"The impressions of the witness of the defendant cannot be answered." the Commander tells the court."

"I suppose you're right." concludes the Judge, with some reluctance, "I can't let you have this one, Clarcia."

The Judge whispers to Clarcia, "I hope that won't affect our dinner date later?"

"Of course not, Ephriam, sweetheart." she answers quietly.

Lefty continues his testimony.

"So, Johnny gets me, Fats, and his moll Toots all together. We were a great outfit. Johnny knew all the places where we could heist from, and the security codes to get round them. I would have put him down in the 'Criminal Of The Year' poll the underworld has."

"Thank you, Mr Wright." concludes Clarcia, "Your witness."

"Do you think that Captain Picard, who you call 'Johnny', was acting under the influences of something?" I ask.

"Nah." he replies, "He was a natural. The only time things went bad was when that redhead joined our team. She was a stoolie."

Everyone looks at Doctor Crusher, who is sitting in the court crowd.

"That is all, Mr Wright." I say.

"The Prosecution will present it's next witness in the following session." states Clarcia.

"Very well." Judge Hardcastle announces, "Court is adjourned."

To be continued...

Picard On Trial (Part One)

Whenever a ship of any sort shows up on the sensors it can mean problems to solve and decisions to make.

I'm happy just cruising along, spending time in the holodeck and dating Bev.

Still, something is coming on the sensor screens now.



"It is the USS Washington, Captain." Data informs me.

The video screen comes on. The usually cheerful Captain Jeffries appears, but this time his face is dour, as if he has been told that his next tour of duty is to be a comedian at a Romulan party.

"I must come aboard on a matter of some urgency, Captain Picard." he says, "Do not try to avoid me."

We are all puzzled at this remark, but go to Transporter Room 3, where Jeffries comes aboard, with five burly security officers, each of which would give Worf a run for his money.

"Captain Jean-Luc Picard." announces Jeffries with solemn formality, "You have been charged with crimes throughout the quadrant, and so will be arrested. You will face a trial and court martial, which could lead you to be stripped of your Captaincy and imprisoned for several years."

The security officers step forward and have the cuffs on me before Jeffries finishes his speech. Worf steps forward.

"Be careful, Mr Worf." I tell him, then turn to Jeffries, "I shall go peacefully, while my crew prepare my defence."

Bev is wailing away. Jadzia has handed her a box of tissues. Riker asks to know what I am supposed to have done.

"In the last two weeks." replies Jeffries, "The Captain, along with criminals known as Lefty and Fats, and a young woman named Toots went and robbed a number of planets in the Quadrant. They were stopped last week when they attempted to steal the Disana Jewels from Vasra VI. Everybody was arrested except Captain Picard."

"The Captain only committed those robberies because he was exposed to a Mind Altering Device by Professor Kalam." Deanna tells him, "You can't arrest him on that reason."

"Nonetheless, he committed the crimes." states Jeffries, flatly, "And as a result, he must be punished for them."

Riker and they others protest. Though I could do with a few stress pills right now, I put my extra calm' look on.

"Commander." I instruct, "Prepare the defence. You and Mr Data will be very good at that."

With that, I am beamed over to the USS Washington, where I find that they regularly transport prisoners. I go into that wing, and am forced to change into a striped convict outfit.

How demeaning.

I am thrown into a forcefield brig, where another prisoner is sitting.



"Hey mac!" He asks with a growl, "What have they got you for?"

I tell him, but say I was under a Mind Altering Device at the time. He laughs.

"Oh sure!" he says sarcastically, "They all say that!"

After a while, I wonder if I was while in letting Riker handle my defence. After all, he'll get my job when I'm thrown in a penal colony!

To be continued...

TWQ: Economy Books

Following the TWQ (The Weekend Question) asking about Economy Books and Economy TV Programmes, this week, we turn to literary output.

Can you list what some books would have been called if they had a lack of space or plot? List as many as you like.

My answers are:

A Tale Of One Village
One Musketeer
Robin Hood and his Merry Man
Bridget Jones' Single Page
The Wave
Crime (from Crime & Punishment)
Murder On The 2:15 from Hounslow (from Murder On The Orient Express)

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

Take a look at Blogrush before you go (on my sidebar). It counts the number of impressions it gets. Your site will then earn one credit per impression, and will be shown on a widget on another site once for every credit earned. This means that for every time your blog gets a hit, it will be shown on another Blogrush site. If you get 200 hits per day, it will be shown on another 200 blogs! It's all absolutely free! In a few days, there will be a multitude of colours available. Click on it to find out more.

Planning The Christmas Party

Now that my mind has been put back together again, we can get to some serious Enterprise business. I call a conference of the senior staff.

"As it is September." I inform them, "The time has come for us to start planning the Enterprise Christmas Party."

A slight groan comes up, as if to say "Already?"

"It is essential that we plan this well in advance" I continue, "So that everything is well sorted out."

"Are we going to have The Strolling Drones here again?" asks Worf, "It was very hard for security having them and the other Borg here acting as waiters last year."



"That will not take place." Seven Of Nine tells us, "They have already been booked by The Borg Queen to play at Varga VII in the Delta Quadrant to celebrate the fact we have turned the entire planet's population into Borg drones.

I wince at this, but am secretly glad the drones will not be serving this year. All that made me nervous.

"Well, what shall we do?" Riker says, and everybody starts thinking, hoping they will come up with a brainwave.

"In the Terran Empire." comments T'Pol, "We could get citizens of a planet we had just conquered and order us to serve us in a Christmas Party. Strangely enough, we always seemed to suffer from stomach poisoning afterwards."



"What about The Sands?" asks Deanna, "We could use the holographic nightclub that we have as a venue.

There are a few nods of approval. It doesn't sound a bad idea.

"We could have Vic Fontaine as a host, and we call all go in a typical 1960's Las Vegas nightclub setting." she continues.

More murmurs of approval. I think we've found our venue this year.

"Other holographic characters employed by the club can handle the catering and serve the drinks." Geordi observes.

"...and we can all go in gorgeous slinky Vegas dresses!" Beverly comments, with a slight wink at me, "Ideal for all those romantic dances."

"So when will it start?" Ro Laren asks, "We want all the Guests we have to be ready."

"It'll probably start on Monday 3rd December." I tell her, "But when it finishes, will be when we all run out of energy."

"Great!" Jadzia says with a smile, "I'll be sorting out my party dress. You'll love what I choose, Worf."

Worf manages a slight Klingon smile.

"That's all for now." I say, "We'll have an update later on."

Author's note:

Jana has given me this beautiful Award:



Thanks so much, Jana. It's lovely!

Picard The Criminal (Part Five)

Author's note:

See Parts One to Four for the background to this story.

--------------

The boys and I are on the way in the shuttlecraft to Vasra VI where we are going to grab the Disana Jewels. They are on exhibition there.

This will be our biggest job of all. When we finish this, I reckon we can all live a live of luxury from then on.

Toots has strangely disappeared, and joining us as my moll is Beverly.

What a babe!

----------------

"We'll be arriving at Vasra VI in 30 minutes, boss." Lefty tells me, "Those pure saps ain't gonna know what's hit them!"

"That's right, Lefty." agrees Fats.

Beverly walks up to me. She has her large hat on, short skirt, fishnet stockings and stiletto heels.



"We make a great team, Johnny." she says softly, "I'm glad you picked me as your moll."

"There's no one else, baby. You've got great gams with those fishnets." I tell her, "After this heist, we'll be as famous as Bonnie and Hardy."

"You mean Bonnie and Clyde, sugar?" Bev replies, and then kisses me. What a hot number!

"Yeah, sure, baby." I say with a smile.

A little while later, we are in orbit, and we all beam down.



"Now you all know what to do." I tell them, "Bev is gonna go in, distract the guards, and we'll rush in with out tommy gun phasers and take over the joint."

We all watch from outside as Bev strolls in. The guards look in and stare at her. She drops her purse, and bends down to pick it up, revealing more of her fishnet legs. The guards are all looking at her. What saps! That's the signal.

We all rush in.

"Okay, this is a hold-up!" I shout, "No one move or they are gonna get plugged."

The guards turn to look at me. They look familiar.

"Good evening, Captain" says one of them. It's Data.

"Hello, Captain." another says. Riker.

"It is a good day to be apprehended, Captain." Worf. Our tommy gun phasers fail to go off. What's happened to them?

Beverly whispers in my ear.

"Time to get you restored, Jean-Luc"

She administers a hypospray and things go black.

-----------------

I wake up with a splitting headache; I am on the Enterprise. Riight now, my mind feels like it's been taken apart and put back together.

"Everything is alright again." declares Professor Kalam, "The Mind Altering Device shows that the Captain's brain wave patterns are back to normal."



Right now, I feel like knocking the Professor into the middle of the next stardate for turning me into a criminal, but that would cause more trouble. I restrain myself and thank him for correcting the problem.

Riker tells me that Toots has been picked up on the planet and arrested, as have Lefty and Fats.
After he and Kalam have gone, Beverly enters.

"Jean-Luc." she says, "I'm sorry for deceiving you when being your moll."

"That's alright, Bev." I reply, "I rather liked your outfit."

"I can always wear it again." Bev whispers softly, "The Enterprise cinema is showing The Roaring Twenties tonight.

"Don't forget the fishnets and stockings!" I add, "You DO have great gams, Bev!"

Picard The Criminal (Part Four)

Guest Poster: Beverly Crusher

This is a dangerous mission.

I've infiltrated the criminal gang that Jean-Luc has set up. Due to Professor Kalam accidentally turning him evil with the Mind Altering Device that he had.

Jean-Luc has carried out a series of robberies with the gang. We at the Enterprise thought the only way we could stop him was to get into the gang and alert the crew so that they can catch him. That way, Jean-Luc won't get arrested and killed by angry authorities.

I managed to track their shuttlecraft to a lonely planet. I have now been bought in by one of the gang members.

------------

Some of the gang look a little weird. They all have their 1920's gangster outfits on and talk as such, because Jean-Luc does. With them is a young woman with a mini skirt, fishnet stockings and a squeaky voice.

I take an instant dislike to her. Thank goodness I have my moll outfit and fishnets on as well. I must admit I like wearing them.

"Why are you here, Beverly?" asks Jean-Luc, "Are you on the lam?"

Fortunately, Data has instructed me on the use of 1920's gangster-speak.

"Err...yeah, Johnny." I reply, "Things were getting kinda dull on the Enterprise. I missed you so much. I wanna be part of your outfit, and your moll."

"HEY!" shouts the woman, "I'm Johnny's moll! Quit muscling in on my man, honey."



That girl is clearly living on borrowed time! I grit my teeth.

"Can it, Toots!" shouts Jean-Luc, and he turns to me.



"Bev, honey," he says, "You're my moll from now on. You've got the figure and the outfit to wow those guards for the job we're going to do."

I'll have to find more about that. He turns to Toots.

"You're through, Toots." he tells her, "You were never my type of gal. You can go with Lefty, if you like."

Toots looks enraged.

"Johnny!" she exclaims, "I ain't someone's hand-me-down. I choose the kind of men I like. I left a perfectly good job as a strip- I mean an exotic dancer before I joined your mob."

"That's too bad." Johnny...I mean Jean-Luc says dismissively.

"You ain't heard the last of this!" says Toots to me as she storms out of the room.

"Gee boss." comments one of the members, "Toots looks in a mean mood."

"Never mind that." replies Jean-Luc."Let's do the planning for the big job."

-------------

I have found out that the Disana Jewels are going to be stolen from the exhibition on Vasra VI. It will be a perfect opportunity for the crew to get Jean-Luc and re-adjust his mind again.

I go outside and get my communicator. I tell Will all the information and the date of the raid. He says they will be ready.

I switch off and turn round. Toots is there.

"Just as I figured!" she exclaims, "You're nothing but a no-good squealer. Wait till I tell Johnny about this!"

I grab Toots quickly, and stop her. She grabs at my hair , but a swift kick with my stiletto stops her. Toots goes down on the floor, but soon rises. I hit her in the stomach and grab her hair.

Those boots she has look dangerous; I don't want to be on the receiving end of them. We both scream and shout. The gang can't hear us, as they are watching a series of old black and white gangster movies on the monitor.

Toots lunges at me, but I quickly step aside, and trip her up so that she falls forward and lands on the floor. I press her down, tie her wrists and drug her with a hypospray.

I alert Will Riker, and move her to a quiet part of the planetoid. The Enterprise will pick her up when the gang leave shortly.

------------

The gang set off to go for the big job.

"Where's Toots?" asks Jean-Luc.

"She's decided to quit and go back to her old position as a dancer." I reply.

He accepts this, and we all get in the shuttlecraft.

Now for the big job!

To be continued....

TWQ: Desktops & Screensavers

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) asks about what we see on our computers every day.

What do you have as a picture on your Desktop? What about your Screensaver?

My answer is:

As a big fan of Nicole Kidman, this is the image on my Desktop:



For a screensaver, I have pictures of Nicole that come one after the other.

Now it's over to you....

But before I go.... My story 'Picard The Criminal' will continue with the next post.

Picard The Criminal (Part Three)

Things are just right, now that crazy professor shown me that device. It opened my eyes a lot, and have escaped the drudgery of the Enterprise and am enjoying a life of crime with a gang and a cute babe named Toots I've picked up.



"Hey, Johnny!" she says, "When are we going to go on another robbery? You know I love using my tommy gun phaser when we go in those rich joints."

"Can it, Toots!" I reply, "I'm the boss of this outfit, and I say when we do another job. You're there just as eye-candy."

She snorts off in a huff. I love it when dames do that!

Still, Toots has been getting too friendly with Lefty lately. I'll have him plugged if I catch them together.

We're holed up on a remote planet right now, with the shuttlecraft all ready to go when we embark on our next job. The authorities are always after us and we have to be on our guard all the time in case they catch up with us.

"Hey, boss!" Lefty calls out, "I've heard the Disana Jewels will be exhibited tomorrow on Vasra VI. Could be worth a heist."


"You could be right, Lefty." I say to him, and laugh at what I just said, "Get the boys and Toots in and we'll plan the operation."

They all come in and sit round the desk.

"Now lissen up!" I tell them, "We're gonna make a call on Vasra VI and get the Disana Jewels off there. Once we do, we'll be living on Easy Street."

Fats steps forward.


"Gee, boss." he says with a whine, "It all sounds kinda dangerous to me."

"You say everything is dangerous, Fats." I comment disgustedly, "You'd be scared to rob a candy store."

"Well, you never know..." he trails off.

"Can it Fats!" I declare, "Now, Toots, you go in and distract the guards, and as they are eyeing you, the boys and I will come in from the back and take over."

"Sure, Johnny." she says in that squeaky voice of hers.

Suddenly we hear a noise outside. I send Lefty out to investigate.

"It's a dame, boss" he tells me, and brings her in.

It's Beverly.

"Hello, Jean-Luc....errr, Johnny." she says, "I want to join your....errr...mob."

To be continued after the TWQ...

Picard The Criminal (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Will Riker

Things are in a right mess now.

After the Cap was exposed to a device built by Professor Kalam, which was supposed to turn criminals into good guys, It had a reverse effect on him, and he has escaped from the Enterprise and is now embarking on a crime spree.

I've called a meeting of the senior staff to see how we are going to solve this. Kalam is with us as well.

-------

"Well everybody, how can we solve this?" I ask, "I've already had reports from places over the quadrant that the Captain has starting robbing places. He is in the processes of accumulating a criminal gang together. As a result, the thieving is getting worse. They are called the Johnny Picard Gang."

"What will happen if someone catches him, Will." asks Beverly, "Some planets are not some lenient as we are. Jean-Luc could be in front of a firing squad, or his atoms dispersed into space before we know about it."

"I am confused about something." states Data, "From the reports and pictures we have received, the Captain is dressing and talking like a gangster from the 1920's era on Earth."



"I think it might be to do with the fact that the Captain likes to dress as Private Investigator Dixon Hill." analyses Deanna, "As a result of his personality change, he is now acting like that, except as a gangster."

"You're probably right, Deanna." I say, "The question here also is if we catch him, can we change him back? Professor?"

Kalam wakes up as if he has been dozing.



"What? Err..yes...ah." he starts, "Oh yes, exposure to the Mind Altering Device will definately return your Captain to the state he was."

"So how can we get hold of him?" Geordi asks.

"We should mount a full attack with guns and phaser rifles." T'Pol says firmly.

"That is true." agrees Seven, "A heavy assault would work. I could assimilate all his colleagues while you rescue Locutus."

I turn pale.

"Now look," I tell them, "We don't want something like that. It will cause a lot of bloodshed. If the Captain doesn't get injured, one of us will."

"You are suggesting a more subtle approach, Commander?" Worf asks, "After all, a concerted attack will be a good day to die."

I hate it when he says that!

"Yes, Worf." I reply, "More subtlety is definately needed. The only way we can capture the Captain is put someone really close within the gang, then get him out of there."

"He won't trust any of us," Ro observes, "The Captain will know exactly what is going on."

"There is one person he might trust." I say, "Beverly, would you be prepared to go into the gang, tell the Captain you've forsaken us and wanted to follow him and be his moll?"

Beverly looks shocked. After a few seconds she sees the logic of it.

"Very well, Will." I'll do it.

To be continued...

Picard The Criminal (Part One)

Why I get invited to see the new technology is beyond me. Do Starfleet want my approval or something? I doubt it, as they never listen to me anyway.

The eccentric Professor Kalam is on the Enterprise; with him is a strange looking device.



Riker and Deanna are with me in the Ready Room with the Professor as he attempts to explain what it is all about. He wears scruffy clothes, looks forgetful; why are all scientists like this?



"Erm..ah..yes..." starts Kalam in his dotty, stumbling way, "Err, well, Captain Picard, this, you might say, is a Mind Altering Device."

"You mean it's initials spell M.A.D.?" I ask.

"Err..well, I suppose it does." he continues, "But that is just a coincidence, Captain."

"I'm sure!" comments Riker, drily, "What are we meant to do with it?"

"Yes, ah, well," Kalam, flusters on, "This is meant to remove all the bad elements out of a criminal so that they can live normal healthy lives, rather than spending years in a penal colony."

"It sounds dangerous to me, Professor." Deanna says, "I don't think we should be interfering with the minds of people, even if they are evil."

"I agree, Counselor" I comment, then turn to Kalam, "What harm will it do to people if they are not criminals if they accidentally get exposed to this?

"Oh, it won't harm them at all!" says the Professor, "I'm quite sure on that."

"How do you know?" Riker asks him. Kalam looks disgusted.

"I'm so sure, Commander Riker." he replies, "I will ask Captain Picard to use it. Nothing at all will happen to him at all."

Deanna looks panicky, "Don't try it, Captain!"

"Are you SURE this is alright, Kalam" I ask.

"I'm positive." he states, "Captain, would you care to sit down?"

I sit rather hesitantly on the chair; the next thing I know, a cap is being placed on the top of my head, with wires leading to the device.

Kalam switches it on, and the machine's lights start flashing away, like they do in the Frankenstein Castle when the Doctor is about to put together another body and shout "It's alive!"

The lights start flashing away, and I get a headache. Eventually it all seems too much and I pass out.

----------

Eventually I wake up. What's going on in this crazy place?

"Wake up, Captain!" says Riker, "You've fainted."

"Yes." continues Deanna, "We were really worried about you."

"Stop yammerin', the both of you!" I tell them, "You two are enough to give anyone a headache. Riker, get this crate going to where it's supposed to."

"Are you sure you're all right, Captain." he tells me. Why do some just drone on.

"Look, Riker." I tell him, "If you can't do what I'm saying, I'll have you down to Ensign before you know it."

"Oh, dear." says Kalam, "I fear we may have a problem."

"I don't see one, Professor." I tell him, "That fancy device has allowed me to see things a little more clearly."

"Security!" Riker says on his com badge.

That tears it. I whack him on the chin, and he falls to the ground. I've always wanted to do that! Deanna screams and I run out.

-----------

On the way to the shuttlecraft, I use my Command Codes and shut down the running of the Enterprise. That should prevent them tracking me.

I get in the shuttlecraft and manage to fly free of the Enterprise and go into Warp. The starship is still frozen in space as a result of my actions.

Now that I'm finally free of Starfleet and the do-gooder authorities, I can begin a healthy life of crime on the lam.

To be continued....

TWQ: Economy TV Programmes

Following the big response I had with 'Economy Flims' two weeks ago, TWQ (The Weekend Question) follows up with a similar view of tv programmes.

Can you list some titles of tv programmes that would be so called if their budget was extremely limited? List as many as you can.

My answers are:

Happy Hour (for Happy Days)
Mindy
Shirley
Bar Trek
Battlebus Galactica
Half A Man

Now it's over to you...

But before you go...

The wonderful Nina (SFGirl) has given me this latest Award.



It's smiles all round! Thanks, Nina! People get these for being clever, charming, fun, hilarious, ridiculous and entertaining. I give this Award to: Titania Starlight , Table For Five,
Are We There Yet? (Linda) and Empress Bee

T'Pol & Britney On Vacation (Part Two)

Guest Poster: Ensign Britney

Now that me and my number one friend T'Pol have checked in on the Vardez Paradise Planet, it's time do do some serious clubbing!

"We didn't come here to have a relaxing, peaceful time, sista!" I tell her, "Let's make an impression on these folks and make sure they remember us."

"I'm sure they will." replies T'Pol, "Let's see what we find tonight."

I put my brown wig on, and get a skimpy dress on. Ideal for a fun time.

We approach the door of the 'Paradisio Sector Disco'. The place known for it's raucous behaviour. It looks ideal for T'Pol and myself.

"Come on, T'Pol." I say, "This looks like the place to go. She is somewhat reluctant.

"I'm not sure if this is suitable, Britney." she replies, "These sort of locations were forbidden in the Terran Empire in the mirror universe."

"Then you need a little educating, babe!" I say with a smile and pull her towards the door, where there is a burly guard. He looks at me.

"Are you a Deltan?" he asks me, "We don't let them in as they are noisier than even we can tolerate."

T'Pol rushes forward and throws the guard on to the floor.

"You will let me and my friend in!" she demands, and we walk in.

T'Pol is a great friend!



I walk through with her, and soon we see the main area.



Everything is a well over 100 decibels and we can barely hear ourselves think. Lovely!

The music is all the latest sounds with songs like Cling On, Klingon, The Romulan Boogie and The Starship Hustle.

The drinks are flowing freely and I'm hitting the Romulan Ale big time.

"I am not sure I should partake in this level of alcohol." says T'Pol with a worried air.

"Don't worry, sista." I reply, "Have this glass of Klingon bloodwine. You'll feel different afterwards.

After she drinks it, I see T'Pol drink another right away...then another....then another.

Even I can't do that!

Not long after, I am looking for T'Pol; I see her on the stage.



She is holding on to one of the loudspeakers and singing away.

"Get on your starships, yay!
Dance the night away!
Warp Factor Ten,
I'm in Heaven again!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!"

Five burly guards come up to us.

"Right!" says one of them, "You two are getting thrown out of the club and off the Paradise Planet. It's types like you we don't want around here"

In a matter of half an hour, we find ourselves taken from the club, our clothes from the hotel gathered up and taken to the shuttle point to be escorted off the planet.

"Your Captain shall hear of this." he says.

Sigh. It looks like another spell in the brig. At least I'll have T'Pol with me.

T'Pol & Britney On Vacation (Part One)

Guest Poster: Mirror T'Pol

Ensign Britney and myself are going on vacataion for a few days. It will be quite a challenge to stay for the entire duration, as we got thrown out of the Raveathon Vacation Complex two months ago.

As we now have a life ban there, we are going to the Vardez Paradise Planet. It's idyliic there, with fun for everyone.

"I've got all I need in my case, sista!" Britney tells me enthusiastically, "Wigs to cover my Deltan bald head when I want, micro bikinis for the beach and micro skirts and dresses for the nightclubs. We're gonna paint this place red!"

"That's great, Britney." I tell her, as we approach the Vardez Hotel, "Just let's try and make sure we last the length of our stay."

"No probs, T'Pol!" she replies and slaps me on the back.

We might have had a few problems with Britney had she been in the Terran Empire two hundred years ago in the mirror universe. Still, she is a good friend. The only real one I have on the Enterprise.



She walks up to the counter and bangs the bell eight times.

"Hey, let's see a little action here!" she exclaims.

I can already see our time on the Paradise Planet may be somewhat limited. A receptionist comes quickly and snatches the bell away from her.

"Now, madamoiselle." he declares officiously, "What can I do for you? Are you planning to errr...stay here?

"Sure am, honey." Britney informs him. "Me and my best girl T'Pol have booked to stay here."

"They must be some mistake, madamoiselle." he exclaims nervously, "Errr...is the hotel not full up?"

The receptionist checks; his face falls when he finds we have a room.

"YAY!!!"shouts Britney, then turns around to me and high-fives me, "Let's enjoy ourselves, babe!"

I smile and laugh; she is right. Now is the time to enjoy ourselves.

"Where shall we go, Britney?" I ask her.

"Is there any doubt, sista?" she replies, "It's time to go clubbing!"

To be continued......

Author's note:

Due to me being on vacation, the concluding episode will be on Wednesday 5th, with the TWQ following on the on the Saturday.

TWQ: Good Cover Versions

TWQ (The Weekend Question) looks into cover versions of songs this week.

Which cover versions of songs do you like, and possibly exceed the quality of the original version? List as many as you wish.

My answers are:

Mr Tambourine Man - The Byrds (originally Bob Dylan)

The Mighty Quinn - Manfred Mann (originally Bob Dylan)

I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston (originally Dolly Parton)

Now it's over to you....

But before I go.....

The delightful Nina (SFGirl) has given me this wonderful Award:



Thank you, Nina. It's much appreciated.