Section 31 Recruitment Message

Hello; my name is Sloan, and I'd like you to consider joining a little group I'm in. It's called Section 31.

Now I know what you're thinking; you've never heard of them, and secondly, no, they are not the latest pop group on the musical scene.

We try to keep ourselves rather secret; though we are part of Starfleet, they don't know we exist. That might sound a little confusing, but that's the fun of it all. We are a covert organisation. Any Starfleet activity that is slightly outside the realms of accepted, will usually be done by a member of Section 31.

Tempting, isn't it?

What we are looking for are people who will report to us about their colleagues' behaviour, do anything to get ahead and are prepared to upset harmonious relationships between planets.

If you think this is you, read all of this message.

If, however, you are appalled, and think you want nothing to do with this group, then kindly return the message with 'No' in the subject line, together with your name and address, and a representative will visit to sort you out. What I mean is that you won't have any worries about pensions afterwards.

So you're interested in joining Section 31? Let me spell out the advantages of what you get:

* Your very own state of the art listening device.
* The latest video surveillance camera with a range of one light year.
* Access to our cloaked mothership.
* High powered disruptor phaser; much more powerful than the usual weak Starfleet issue.
* Beautiful gilded knife in our own customised style; ideal for backstabbing.
* Your very own black cloak and hat.
* Generous pension plan and medical aid.

Now I've got to emphasise that we are a secret organisation. You can't go telling your friends and family that you have joined us. We are very sensitive about that. Anyone who does that has their contract with us terminated, together with their life, which makes it difficult to get a job elsewhere.

If you are lucky to join us, we suggest you tell your spouse that you have become a milkman or a librarian. This is a good answer. Saying you are an agent for a top secret organisation that does shady practices is not.

Now you want to know how to join?

Simply turn up in a dark outfit and wait in the alley that is to the rear of Starfleet Headquarters and midnight this Thursday. Santini's Pizza Parlour is next door. Wait there, and a representative will collect you. If anyone asks why you are there, tell them you are waiting for Santini to finish his shift.

Thank you, and welcome to Section 31.