Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Section 31 Recruitment Message



Hello; my name is Sloan, and I'd like you to consider joining a little group I'm in. It's called Section 31.

Now I know what you're thinking; you've never heard of them, and secondly, no, they are not the latest pop group on the musical scene.

We try to keep ourselves rather secret; though we are part of Starfleet, they don't know we exist. That might sound a little confusing, but that's the fun of it all. We are a covert organisation. Any Starfleet activity that is slightly outside the realms of accepted, will usually be done by a member of Section 31.

Tempting, isn't it?

What we are looking for are people who will report to us about their colleagues' behaviour, do anything to get ahead and are prepared to upset harmonious relationships between planets.

If you think this is you, read all of this message.

If, however, you are appalled, and think you want nothing to do with this group, then kindly return the message with 'No' in the subject line, together with your name and address, and a representative will visit to sort you out. What I mean is that you won't have any worries about pensions afterwards.

So you're interested in joining Section 31? Let me spell out the advantages of what you get:

* Your very own state of the art listening device.
* The latest video surveillance camera with a range of one light year.
* Access to our cloaked mothership.
* High powered disruptor phaser; much more powerful than the usual weak Starfleet issue.
* Beautiful gilded knife in our own customised style; ideal for backstabbing.
* Your very own black cloak and hat.
* Generous pension plan and medical aid.

Now I've got to emphasise that we are a secret organisation. You can't go telling your friends and family that you have joined us. We are very sensitive about that. Anyone who does that has their contract with us terminated, together with their life, which makes it difficult to get a job elsewhere.

If you are lucky to join us, we suggest you tell your spouse that you have become a milkman or a librarian. This is a good answer. Saying you are an agent for a top secret organisation that does shady practices is not.

Now you want to know how to join?

Simply turn up in a dark outfit and wait in the alley that is to the rear of Starfleet Headquarters and midnight this Thursday. Santini's Pizza Parlour is next door. Wait there, and a representative will collect you. If anyone asks why you are there, tell them you are waiting for Santini to finish his shift.

Thank you, and welcome to Section 31.

26 comments:

The Curmudgeon said...

Sloan, meet me in the alley Wednesday night to discuss your overbroad dissemination of this memo.

And don't make plans for Thursday.

Susan said...

Bet the UK History thing loved this one!

Jana said...

I'll be there. One question: do you take children? My ten year old's been reading my messages again and is very interested.

Private Hudson said...

Sloan, I'm your man.

I'm motivated, courageous, and highly trained. I don't know the meaning of the word fear. On top of that, I'm as quiet and sneaky as a marine in full combat gear, rifle, and armor could be.

My only concern is that you don't make me spy on bugs. I hate bugs.

UngaMan said...

Engineers and Section 31 don't mix... now if you were from Area 51...

Lahdeedah said...

K, I'm so going. I always wanted a black cloak and hat!

But like, does it require a lot of hours? I'm really looking for part time work.

Darth Nepharia said...

No. Darth Nepharia, planet Courescant on the other side of the galaxy a REALLY long, long time ago. Would love to have you come and sort me out.

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I'd join just for the pension and medical aid!

thanks for stopping by my place today :)

Professor Xavier said...

How about life insurance? Is that part of your incentive package? I'm only asking because I imagine your people must get shover through air-locks quite a bit.

Nic said...

How about dental and vision? Do you have a comprehensive dental and vision plan?

Lahdeedah said...

Good point. Benefits are important. I might consider if you had good benefits.

Also, since we're by Santini's, we gonna get some pizza? I mean, any good recruitment effort usually includes nice incentives.

But listen, I wouldn't be assigned to spy on the Enterprise, because between that fangled droid, pesky borg and darn mind reader, I woulda coulda got away with it... darn it.

rashbre said...

this all sounds very disruptive

Paperback Writer said...

Hmmm...no one would ever guess a fledging writer....

Ellee said...

I couldn't do backstabbing, I turned down the chance to go on TV because I refused, it's too unethical.

Trinity13 said...

Sounds like the perfect job for Seven!

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

With all those advantages, I'm sure there would be lots who would like to join. How could they resist such offer.

TX said...

I just wanted to say I enjoyed the party

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Most people seem to be interested in the benefits. I think the reason they are so I is that prople in Section 31 don't last very long.

dragonflyfilly said...

Thursday, you say, darn, i'll have to miss Survivor...oh well, i suppose i could record it.

well, i'll be there: i will be wearing a Black Fake Fur Jacket, with a velvet hood pulled well over my forehead, skin tight leather jeans and leather riding boots. You will recognize me by the riding crop that i hold firmly yet nonchallantly in my left hand (my right hand unfortunately has not yet been fitted with its prosthesis - oh, and i will be wearing a black kid glove to complete the 'ensemble')

cheers,
looking forward to this mysterious asignation,
pj

Secret Squirrel said...

I am Secret Squirrel...
Can I spy on my arch enemy Rabid Squirrel?...
Backstabbing huh?
{{{thinking it over}}}
No, even I couldn't go for the backstabbing. I just hate the sight of blood.
But if your not being literal...

Mother Jones RN said...

I enjoy your post on Second Effort, so I thought I would drop by. Your blog is great! I love Star Trek. I'm adding you to my blogroll.

MJ

The Angry Medic said...

ooh ooh just what I always wanted. oh but please tell me I get a cool long cloak which mysteriously wreathes my face in shadow no matter where the sun is? one of those nifty voice-changers that make you sound deep and ominous would also be a boon. where do I sign up?

Anonymous said...

I dunno...dark alley ways, dark clothes.... sounds like my daily life if you ask me.
Trust me the cloak and dagger stuff ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Unless you happen to be the Emperor and Sith Lord. well then I guess it's fun...

Osquer said...

"Beautiful gilded knife in our own customised style; ideal for backstabbing."

So that's where the supervisors where I work get their cutlery!

Sorry, but I'm not about to join any secret organization that would accept the likes of me!

Florence said...

::From post master: message delivery failure, no such host box::

ah! that should fool them *hehehe*

(ROTHFL)

xx

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