Saturday, October 07, 2006

TWQ: Lightbulb Jokes

This week, TWQ (The Weekend Question) goes into a well-known part of joke telling.

I always like lightbulb jokes (and also 'why did the chicken cross the road' and 'two cow economy' ones.). What are your favourite lightbulb jokes?

My answer is:

Q: How many Borg does it take to change a lightbulb:
A: All of them.

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say "Get daaowwwwn !"

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.

Now it's over to you...

36 comments:

archshrk said...

Sorry, I don't know any good lightbulb jokes but I did find this...
http://www.eyrie.org/~thad/strange/lightbulbs.html

Catherine said...

Well, until I scrolled down and saw you had it already, I was going to suggest the psychiatrist one.
There is also: How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven - one to hold the bulb and the rest to hold him and turn him around.
Michele sent me.

kenju said...

I have read some really funny lightbulb jokes, particularly ones about various religions, but you think I could remember one now?? NO!

I saw on the news that a chair once used on Star Trek by that other Jean-Luc sold for more than $50K!!

kenju said...

And, of course, Michele sent me. Sorry.

Ariel said...

I always like any lightbulb joke to which the answer is ``one'', such as:

How many Centauri does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one, but in the great old days of the Republic, we had hundreds of servants to change thousands of lightbulbs at our every whim.

Tom Guy said...

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to hold the bulb and 100 to spin the room around.

Carmi said...

There's something strangely comforting about a good light bulb joke. They are, indeed, timeless.

Jaime H. said...

Q: How many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Wanna ride bikes?


(no offense intended to anyone who is/has a child with ADD)

And, yeah, Captain, they auctioned off your chair! What's up with that?! Are you getting a new model?

Adam said...

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A fish!

FRIDAY'S CHILD said...

Honestly I just can't think of anything right now.
Thanks for stopping by.

Florence said...

I like your Disco joke JL! very funny :D

also, what is a "two cow economy" joke? give us an example, please.

You have heard about some of my troubles with light bulbs in the past, but I can't think of any jokes about light bulb jokes today.

please forgive my absence, I hope to catch up later this week.

xx

-E said...

Your last one was always what I would consider my "fave" one.

Michele sent me.

David said...

ehllo
acptain
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rfom
imcheles

Prego said...

There's the old 'late 80s/early 90s version:

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, and it's not funny!

here via michele today.
p

Nic said...

Oh, I have a whole passel of them. Most of them are religious in nature and pretty much completely true. LOL!

Subject: lightbulb jokes

Q: How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray the light bulb will be one that has been chosen to be changed.

Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. If God wants the light bulb to be changed, He will do it Himself.

Q: How many Southern Baptist does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: The whole congregation. The pastor sits back and does absolutely nothing regarding the work. A light bulb changing committee is formed to check into lightbulbs. Another committee is formed that actually goes about the changing of the bulb. The women of the church bring a potluck supper, and the deacons sit around and discuss how good the old lightbulb used to be.

Q: How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb, and 16 million to boycott the maker of the old bulb for bringing darkness into the Church.

Q: How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred and nine. Seven on the Lightbulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the twelve on the Lightbulb Task Force, appointed by the fifteen on the Trustee Board. Their recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of five, who place it on the agenda of the eighteen-member Finance Committee. If they approve, they bring a motion to the twenty-seven Member church Board, who appoint another twelve-member review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint another eight-member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational Business Meeting supports the changing of a lightbulb, and the Congregation votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the lightbulb change is passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a seven-member committee to find the best price in new lightbulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware is the best buy must then be reviewed by the twenty-three-member Ethics Committee to make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that one more lightbulb has burned out.

Q:How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back at their next meeting.
A: We read that we are to so fear and love God that we cannot by our own effort or understanding comprehend the replacement of an electromagnetic photon source. It is, rather by faith, NOT by our efforts (effected toward the failed worldly incandescence), that we truly see, and that our own works cannot fully justify us in the presence of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Of course, it is still dark.
A: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.


Q:How many neo-orthodox does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

Q: How many Existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Quakers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Who needs a lightbulb when you have an inner light?

Q: How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

Q: How many independent fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.

Q: How many liberals does it take to change a light bulb?
A: At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

Q: How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They always use candles.

Q: How many worship leaders who use guitars does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

Q: How many members of an established Bible teaching church that is over 20 years old does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

Q: How many Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved -- you can be a lightbulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. A church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday, August 19. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Q: How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: This statement was issued: "We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent,three-way, long-life, and tinted--all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."

Q: How many European Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The Reverend Mother composes a homiliy for the occasion of the light bulb changing while the rest of the nuns raffle-off the old one.

Q: How many Bishops does it take to change a light bulb in the Lutheran church?
A: It depends on whether or not the light bulb is already in historic succession.

Q: How many Amish does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: What is a lightbulb?

Q: How many Mennonites does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 10. One to change the bulb, five to cook and four to talk about how good the old light bulb is.

Q: How many United Church members (in Canada) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How dare you be so intolerant! So what if the light bulb HAS chosen an alternative light style?

Q: How many Assmbly of God church members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, he already has his hands in the air.

Q: How many Anglicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. The old one is complete and sufficient unto itself, and should not be changed according to the world's whims.
A: Four. One to call the electrician, one to clear it with the vestry, and two to argue about how much better candles were.
A: Five. One to screw in the new bulb and four to found an organization for the preservation of the old bulb.
A: A whole synod. One to move that the bulb be changed while the others debate until the room spins.

Q: How many New Age gurus does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: none---change must come from within.

Q: How many Jewish Renewal Rabbis does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends. One if it's an eco-kosher bulb that isn't going to be lit by electricity from nuclear power. Two, as long as a man and a woman rabbi have equal turns putting in the bulb. Three, one to change it, one to do a Buddhist mindfulness practice during the change, and one to document the paradigm shift in a best-selling book called "The Jew in the Lightbulb." Four, same as above plus an additional rabbi to study the psycho-halachic implications of such a change and then lead a retreat weekend on the experience.

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.

Q: How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What? Change the lightbulb? My grandmother donated that lightbulb.
A: Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old light bulb.

Q: How many Nazarenes does it take to change a Light bulb? Which Light bulb? A: Who put that one in? Who is supposed to change Light bulbs? Where is the ladder? Which ladder? Who used it last? Who is in charge of the Ladder? “I make a motion we adjourn”

Q: How many in the "Church of Christ" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Where is the scriptural authority for a light bulb?

Q: How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One man to change bulb & four wives to tell him how to do it.

Q: How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Q: How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 300. 12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel Committee. 5 to sit on the Nominating and Personnel Committee, which appoints the House Committee. 8 to sit on the House Committee, which appoints the Light Bulb changing committee. 4 to sit on the Light Bulb Changing Committee, which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those 4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100 individuals to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all.

And last but not least:

Q: How many times did it take for Bill Clinton to change a light bulb?
A: We'll never know, every time he tells anyone, they never believe him

Douglas V. Gibbs said...

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? None, they want to keep you in the dark.

How many cavemen does it take to change a light bulb? None, light bulbs weren't invented yet, you idiot.

How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but if there is anything on that light bulb, or around that light bulb that even remotely makes one suspect that it has any association with any religion that believes in a God, or has anything on it or around it that resembles a cross, the light bulb must be removed, and a governmental law must be passed not to allow said light bulb to be returned to the place it once was, and if it is returned it must be done in a manner that keeps it out of the view of the public so not to offend anybody that may be offended by the presence of said light bulb.

Kookaburra199 said...

I'M HAVING A PARTY IN 2 WEEKS! B THERE! NO SMOKING! SOME DRINKING! NO DRUNKIES! COME TO MY BLOG 2 LET ME KNOW IF U WANNA COME! JUST POST A COMMENT 'BOUT IT!

Ellee said...

I heard this one in the States, which New Yorkers say in order to put down the easier going Californians, along the same lines that we poke fun at the Irish:

Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm afraid I can't remember the answer, not even sure if there was one, the idea was to put down the Californians. Unless any of your readers know the answer...

Professor Xavier said...

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They pay someone else to do it.

Jaffa Da Hutt said...

How many DJs does it take to change a lightbulb?
2. 1 to change it and 1 to complain that its not as good as the original.

Darth Nepharia said...

Q: How many system administrators does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 3:

One to write the light bulb removal program;
One to write the light bulb insertion program; and
One to make sure no one else tries to change the bulb at the same time.

Pearl said...

http://www.savagechickens.com/blog/2005/03/reason.html

Chicken crossing joke.

Kookaburra199 said...

:( no one said if there coming will any1 come? pwetty pweeze?

Susan said...

Oh dear. I only can ever remember one joke, and it's about donkeys, but they were n't changing light bulbs.

Kookaburra199 said...

Ok well here's almost a chicken one (a snail one)
Q.Why did the Snail wanna cross the road?
A.It wanted to prove it was fast like a cheetah :)
COME TO MY PARTY PEOPLE!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A great collection of lightbulb jokes; the ones from Nic were brilliant. Well done!

Florence, here are some examples of 'two cow economy' jokes; there are many more.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty time the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowikimon and market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are... You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

kenju said...

I see that Nic knows all of the ones I had heard, but forgot. Bravo! Michele sent me back - and I enjoyed reading the comments.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

The california joke goes like this:

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they screw in hot tubs.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

OK, not a light bulb joke, but a good one nonetheless.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Interupting cow

Interupt--

Moo!

The Mistress of the Dark said...

I don't have any lightbulb jokes but I think your best one is the second one.

Here via Michele's. Have a great Sunday

M. C. Pearson said...

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?

200: 1 to hold the lightbulb and 199 to move the house.

MissMeliss said...

185 light bulbs walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve lightbulbs here."
The lightbulbs say, "Well, that's a turn-off."

185 light bulbs walk into a bar.
The bartender says "What'll you have?"
The lightbulbs say, "One of everything."
And the bartender says, "Brilliant."

(Yes, I have been playing 185 at ComedySportz a lot lately.)

Albion said...

Hi, Cap'n. As others are here via michelle I probably should have gone to someone else's blog...but I like lightbulb jokes so here's one I don't think you have although a few are close...

Q: How many Harvard graduates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Only one; he holds the lightbulb and the world rotates around him.

Hey, Captain, they just sold your ship for £250k!

Q: How many Starfleet engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A; Only one - but he has to be called Scotty and he won't be able to make it work without some new Dilithium crystals as you canna change the laws of physics.

Miss Cellania said...

Q: Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

Barbara said...

Thanks for the laughs Jean-luc.

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