Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Assertiveness Training

Captain Picard has sent me to an Assertiveness Training Course, as he thinks I'm too nervous in what I do.

Of c-course I am!

All these aliens attacking us, t-transporter malfunctions, a Borg drone on board. It's a w-wonder we're still in one piece.

"Don't worry, Reg." says Deanna, "Just go along and you'll be fine."

"T-that's alright for you to say, Deanna." I reply, "I just d-dont think I can or want to be assertive. I get very nervous when people shout at me. They always seem to."

She smiles and sends me in the direction of Holodeck 2, where the training is being carried out.


I enter the holodeck, and there is a large man there; the sort that could probably beat up Lieutenant Worf without any problem.

"So you're Barclay?" he says loudly, "You do look a weedy speciman, don't you? Well I'm Argos, and I'm going to make sure that at the end of this Assertiveness Course, you'll be a tough individual. Right?"

"Err...if you s-say so, sir." I reply.

Argos looks disgusted and continues.

"Right, Barclay" he says, "In this first scenario, you are in control of Engineering; there is going to be a Warp Core Breach in a few moments. Tell me what you are going to do?"

A simulation of the Engineering Room comes to life, and everyone is looking panic-stricken, running here and there.

"Everybody!" I say to them, "Would you m-mind leaving the s-section, as we're going to have a b-breach in a while."


He is making me more nervous; as I try and urge everybody to leave the Room, the scenario suddenly vanishes.

"What happened?" I ask.

"The ship exploded while you were dithering away, Barclay." replies Argos, "The Enterprise has been destroyed while you have asked people nicely to leave. It wasn't a garden party, or asking a girl to dance. You should have thrown them out then tried to get to the problem via a Jeffries Tube."

"I might have got killed." I protest.

"But you would have saved the ship, Barclay!" shouts Argos, "Now let's see how you get on in this next scenario."

The holodeck changes, and a replica of the Enterprise Bridge appears; all the staff are there, except Captain Picard.

"In this scenario, the Enterprise is about to be invaded." says Argos, "Let's see what you do; you are the Captain here."

While I sit in the Captain's chair next to Commander Riker, Seven and two other Borg drones appear on the Bridge.

"Surrender and prepare for assimilation." states Seven.

"Err...we surrender" I say nervously.

Argos looks livid.

"What kind of assertiveness is that supposed to be, Barclay?" he shouts, "Stand up for yourself!"
The program runs again, and Seven orders us to surrender.

"Err...we will not s-surrender" I tell her.

"Then you will be assimilated first" replies Seven.

I think carefully.

"In that case, I surrender." I say.

The program stops and Argos looks near breaking point. I've never seen a grown man cry before.

"Did it not occur to you to get yourself assimilated as a diversion, while Riker managed to press the self-destruct with Data so that the ship would explode during the Borg invasion?" he asks me through his tears.

"No." I reply, "I have n-noticed that I seem to get killed in both scenarios, though. It doesn't seem to pay being assertive, Mr Argos."

"You're missing the point, Barclay," he tells me, "What you are learning is...oh I can't do this any more. I give up. I'm going to teach Flower Arranging instead."

With that he walks out...


"How did you get on with your Assertiveness Training, Reg?" asks Deanna.

"It was alright, I think" I reply, "But I don't think the tutor was the right one. He said he wanted to move to a different area of training afterwards."

"That's too bad." Deanna muses, "Starfleet need to be sure they have the right instructors for the job, otherwise how will we ever learn anything?"


The Curmudgeon said...

What? flower arranging again, Captain? You'll have to set up Mr. Argos with Victoria, the flower arranging instructor. Or maybe Victoria would have more luck teaching Reggie assertiveness?

Osquer said...

Am I the only one who just wants to give Reg a big hug? Guess I'm a sucker for the puppy-who's-been-kicked-too-many-times type.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

I believe in you Reg! Just find something that you really like and go after it.

Anonymous said...

Good old Reg. he's just adorable!!!

My guess is that Flower arranging has become so popular that there will probably be a serious wait list for the courses in the future.


Viamarie said...

You gave me an idea on what training we should offer in my place of work.

Have a nice day!

Ellee said...

I could do with some assertiveness training, I always find it hard to say no...and hugs from me to Reg too.

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

Congrats Reg. Making teachers break down and cry seem to be a knack for me too.

Lahdeedah said...

There are going to be some seriously assertive flower arrangers if this keeps up.

Trinity13 said...

Doesn't Worf do well at flower arranging as well?!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Flower Arranging is big in the 24th Century!

Susan said...

Yes I must introduce Worf to my college friends Mum, she teaches Flower Arranging.

UngaMan said...

From one SF Engineer to other: way to go Reg! Somehow commanding crew always think we must improve on areas we're not supposed to be dealing with...

and don't worry... on a real Core breach situation, I know you will perform outstanding!

pads said...

Reg does have a way of saving the day anyway in real situations. Anyway if there was a warp core breach nobody would wait to be told to get out they would scarper anyway lol.

Love your blog captain.


Erifia Apoc said...

Let me have him for five minutes. We'll get him to be assertive.


You can be assertive in your own way. I believe in you so go ahead and do what is expected of you. You can do it.

TX said...

Perhaps you should let 7 assimulate you then you would be very assertive, I think...

BTW capt blogroll has a glitch and is not automatically updating if you check the help section on the forum it has instructions how to manually update you blog until the Blogroll Amins fix it...

Sleepless Mama said...

Reg, I think you should start an Enterprise theater company. Write skits about the stuff that happens to you. Then you can put on Galaxy's funniest plays, and nobody will ask you to change ever again.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You all have some good suggestions as to how Reg can improve his assertiveness, although Erifia & TX seem to have a more direct approach.

Miranda said...

Couldn't the assertiveness trainer have been Mr. T? :)

Nic said...

All I can say is HAHAHAHAHA!

Viamarie said...

Go!Go!Go! and goodluck.

Cheers to a new day!

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